Monday, July 03, 2006

happy birthday usa

Working the holidays all the time SUCKS. I don't think I've had a 4th of July, Easter
or Thanksgiving off for the last five years. One day just rolls into the next...

Don't forget to check out the World's eBook Fair.
Between July 4th and August 4th you can download books for free.

Ok, I'm fed up with my offspring. There's no pleasing them, and I used to think it was my fault, but now I know better.
The onus of proving I'm a neglecterino of a mother lies with them!
I decided to take some fun, summer courses at the local branch of the University of Picksburgh.
They offer classes for kids and parents, so naturally when I saw--NO LIE--the class "Cookies From Around the World,"
I wanted to take one of my bibs--I mean, "kids" and "learn" something this summer.
They are accusing me of--no, I can't even say it, it so ludicrous. Ah, hell, I'll say it anyway.
They are accusing me of wanting to take that class with them JUST SO I CAN GET FREE COOKIES!!
Where in the world would they get such a ridiculous idea? It hurts me--and when I
say "hurts" I mean "my stomach is growling just thinking about it."

Hot damn it! I didn't realize Kathy Griffin was making new shows for her Life on the D List reality show. I thought it was over last season and now I see
Charlottesville Police Chief Timothy Longo

was supposedly on the first ep of the new season! Nooooooooooooo! I can't believe I missed him!

Hey, kids! For a mere $4.99 a month, you can keep up with Anna Nicole's pregnancy,
and who DOESN'T want to do that? Besides me and millions of other people?
Anna will update her video diary TWICE a month and all for the low, low price of $4.99 a month!!
Did I mention it was $4.99 a month??
Personally I think it would be worth the money to see if she can stay sober for an entire nine months.
But why in the world she'd want to get pregnant after losing all that weight is beyond me.

After listening to me complain about the fact that there are three different radio stations I listen to on the way to work,
and most mornings, there's nothing good to listen to, Jesus loving Male Offspring #5 has come up with a solution.
He gave me the King James version of The Bible on CD.
(Remind me never to complain within earshot this this kid, will ya? He always finds a "Jesus solution" to every problem I have.)
Yep, that's right. All 14 jammin' CD's! Isn't that fabulous? Yeah, I know it isn't.
The worst part is that he was all excited about it.
He said, "Look, Mom! You can start out with Matthew chapters 1-17. Isn't that cool?!"
Like, totally.....not at all. But how could I dampen that enthusiasm?
I said, "Wow! I can hardly wait till I get to Acts and Romans!
And I can't even think about Ephesians without getting all excited!"

Poor Female Offspring #1. Since Mr. G and I started to eat healthy, it's killing her. She came
home this past weekend and she called me at work about five minutes after she arrived at the
trailer saying, "Moooom! What are you two eating?! There's not a damn thing in this refrigerator to eat."
I said, "Mostly fruit and raw veggies now that it's so hot."
She said, "Well I can't eat THAT! I'll have to go out and get some REAL food."

You know the more I thought about the Beckhams paying someone to open their Christmas gifts,
the more I decided that when I become fabulously wealthy, I am going to pay someone to wipe my ass.
Hey! If Stevie Nicks can ALLEGEDLY pay someone to blow coke up her ass, I can certainly find someone willing to wipe mine.
Yeah, I know I'm going to Hell. I already asked Zal to save me a seat next to him.
It'll be nice to finally meet him cloven hoof to cloven hoof...

I saw on the news that the gas industry is trying to charge a monthly surcharge
for people who use LESS than a certain amount of natural gas. WTF next?

I would love to SLAP the person who designed my laptop. They put the DVD drive
at the front left corner. Do you know how many times in the course of a day I have to slam
that damn thing shut because I accidentally caused it to open by picking up my laptop????

I had a LOUSY night's sleep last night. Stranger in a strange bed and all that....

I now know why there are no cops in my family. I stopped at my mom's after work to drop off something for
my sister--Mom's house is "Pick Up and Drop Central"--and some of my nephew's kids were there playing.
One of them had a plastic gun and I heard my mother yelling, "Don't point that gun at anybody!!" Ahhh, yes.
Shades of *my* childhood. The minute you picked up any sort of a gun, from cap gun to dart gun to squirt gun,
we'd hear Mom's immortal words ringing in our ears, "Don't point that gun at anybody!" And you couldn't argue with her about how
it's useless to have a gun that you CAN'T point at anybody, because then she'd say, "The minute I see you pointing it at someone,
I'm taking it off of you." Ugh. Mom logic. It makes no sense, but then again, it doesn't have to.

2 comments:

Ron Southern said...

I'm all for your Mom! You may be better lookin', but you'd probably shoot my sleazy ass.

Goddess said...

I can't shoot you, Ron. I'm not allowed to POINT A GUN AT ANYONE!! LOL....