Monday, July 31, 2006

goodbye to shy

OH...MY....GAWD!! All my life I have waited to "find my passion". You know,
the one that all the self help books tell us we have hidden deep, deep within.
I used to think it was "helping others," but screw that.
I have found a much more delicious passion.
Yesterday, while teaching Holly how to make tasty, healthy semi-homemade
apple sauce--open jar of store brand applesauce, pour in bowl, add cinnamon--I was
flipping channels and came across a venture that is perfect for me: in home candy business.
I haven't been this excited since we bought those llamas. And you know what good eatin' they were! I sent for the info and when I get it, I'll tell you all about it.

BTW, "tablescape" is NOT a word, Mizz Sandra Lee!! Yes, I checked in the dickshunary.
Now, I've decided that every time I want to fakeabetize a new word, I'm adding "scape" to it,

What the HELL was Monique thinking when she appeared on The View and showed her GROSS hairy legs to the world?
I'm so tired of her being sloppy and passing it off as being indicative of a "real" woman.
"Real" women do not go around wearing sundresses with disgustingly hairy legs, but LAZY women do. Take some damn pride in your personal appearance when you're on national tv.
I don't even want to KNOW what her armpits look like! But frankly, I'm surprised she didn't show them, too.

Flipped over to VH1, and I have to admit, I was rather surprised to see Eva Longoria and
Christina Applegate in the new Jessica Simpson music video.
What an odd mix of ladies. I would have thought Jessica would have friends her own age.

As the senseless channel flipping continued, I saw a few minutes of Dr. Phil, which is the first time I've seen that show in a long time.
He had women on who thought they were being "bitches," when in actuality they were just ignorant, aggressive, rude jerks.
The one was just downright childish.
Their arrogance was amazing, especially the one who pushed people out of
her way on the sidewalk so she didn't have to step aside for anyone.
No damn wonder they didn't have two friends to rub together between the three of them.
My favorite was the black chick who said "men turned her into an evil ass bitch" because "men are dogs." Puhleeze.
The only person responsible for her being a jerk is staring back at her in the mirror every day.

And that's my two cents.

some people think that the physical things define what's within

Guess what today is, kids? That's right "National Creamsicle Day"!!
In my mind's eye, I can see my grandpap holding my hand and walking me down the street to buy an orange creamsicle at the corner store.
It was a celebration because I passed the test to enter first grade.
Mostly I remember my grandpap as being kind of loud and scary and
very tall, but this is a nice memory that I think about often.

Stephen Colbert on why it's a bad thing that the President has to cut his vacation down to ONLY
ten days: "He's like a Black and Decker cordless vacuum.
If you don't recharge his batteries, he can't suck."

I had to laugh when I heard the intro on Semi Homemade with Sandra Lee on Sunday. I never
really paid attention to it before. There's a spot where she says her cooking is "70% store bought and 30% homemade."
That's funny. After watching a few eps, I'd swear it was 70% storebought, 15% artery clogging fat and 15% Domino's sugar.

I was reading an article on MSN about dads and postpartum depression. Apparently almost as many dads suffer from
the blues after child birth as moms. But dad's isn't called "postpartum depression." It's called the "can't get a piece o'ass blues."

I was reading an interesting article on home owner's insurance. Did you know that filing even one or two SMALL claims
can get you the boot from your insurance company? Especially if the claim has to do with water damage because the companies figure that you'll be back later with a mold claim. This is what really surprised the hell out of me: just inquiring about whether or not you can make a claim can hurt your reputation with the insurance company. So, in other words, they only want to cover people who pay their premiums every year, but never file a claim. What a load of shit.
There is a central database that other insurer's access, and you can check to see if you have been listed, and any claims you might have filed
by going to and requesting a free report.

Sunday, July 30, 2006

where are those angels when you need them

Is it a crime to shoot your dad if you have a perfectly legitimate reason? My dad has a thing about label makers. Most guys have a thing about
naked women, but no, *my* dad has a label maker fetish.
And it's not bad enough that he buys label makers for himself, but he's bought one for everyone of my offspring "now that school is starting."
I said, "Dad. Kids DO NOT need label makers for school! They need crayons, paper, and backpacks with lots of pockets to hide their drugs."
Do you have any idea how pissed off I am RIGHT NOW?!
I got out of bed this morning and found labels on EVERYTHING. Poor Holly had so many "Mom's favorite offspring" labels
on her that I'm not sure if she's black or psychedelic in color. I found labels on my fridge, labels on my laptop, labels on my underwear.
And so help me God, if I have to pull one more "Mom's big fat ass" label off my behind,
I'm loading that gun and going to visit dad.

Overplayed Song O'The Day: Damn I Wish I Was Your Lover, Sophie B. Hawkins

Congratulate me. I've been Diet Pepsi free for three days now. Three long, incredibly horrible days...sigh.

I've decided that if I ever run out of shit to talk about, which doesn't seem likely at this point in time, I'm going to use that
lameass "I'm traveling" excuse that South has been giving for not updating for about two weeks now...
Speaking of South, I was watching some of Mike Straka's vids on the FOX website and one of them was about the AVN convention
and I KNOW that dude that did a little walk through was South. I had to freeze it and stare a few times, but I KNOW it was him.
He was wearing a black and white SouthPole type shirt.

OMG! FINALLY a show on the Food Network I can get behind: Ace of Cakes!!!!
Picture it: thirty minutes devoted entirely to CAKE.
It's like I died and went to Heaven. A Heaven made of chocolate cake and whipped cream icing, that is.

Speaking of the Food Network, Bugs got me watching that stupid Semi Homemade show and poor Holly is taking the brunt of said stupidity.
Now anytime I make something in the kitchen, I pretend I'm Sandra Lee and Holly is my captive audience.
And when I say "captive," I don't mean "interested".
I mean I hooked her leash around the kitchen table leg so she can't go anywhere.
In the morning, I'll say, "I'm going to pop this bread into the toaster and
in a few minutes, Holly, we are going to have deliciously browned toast! You are going to be so happy with this toast!
To go with my toast, I'm going to whip up a lucisious Vodka and Orange Juice chaser.
Orange Juice is very nutritious and what better way to start the day than by adding a dash of Vodka to it?
On second thought, let's skip that Orange Juice and drink the Vodka right out of the bottle." Glug, glug, glug. "Now let me show you my table scape."
BTW, what the HELL does "table scape" MEAN?! Table decor, yes. Table "scape," NO.
The dog just sits there looking at me like "WTF are you ON, lady?! Puhleeze. Let. Me. Loose."
Every time I watch that damn show, all I can think about is Stockard Channing's song in Grease, "Look at me, I'm Sandra Dee, lousy with virginity!"
Of course, mentally I change it to, "Look at me, I'm Sandra Lee, lousy with my cookery!"

I was watching a show on VH1, I guess it was, that clearly shows the disgusting double standard in Hollywood.
They were showing celebs like Jack Black and Danny DiVito, who have always had pot bellies.
Their comments were things like, "Jack Black looks like a real guy and that's why we like him," and they thought
Danny DiVito's belly made him look "cute" like a "teddy bear."
Well isn't that special? Yet even the emaciated women in Hollywood are badgered to lose more weight.

My uncle is visiting from Connecticut. I was talking my aunt, and she and I were discussing shampoo. Yes, we only discuss the deep subjects.
My uncle interjected--as he ALWAYS does when someone talks about hair--"I've never used anything but your grandma's shampoo on my hair."
That's great, except for the fact my uncle hasn't seen his hair since the 50's. Hell, I've never seen it. And he wears a HIDEOUS BLONDE toupee.
So hideous, in fact, that I can't believe my aunt allows him leave the house looking the way he does.
But I've decided she lets him look that way because wants him to look unattractive to other women. May I say that she is definitely achieving her objective?
But we never point out the fact that he has no hair. We all agree with him how great grandma's soap is for "his" "hair," and pretend we don't notice
that we've seen Bald Eagles with more on the top of their heads. It's a polite family thing. Like when my incredibly overweight aunt says, "If I keep eating
like this, I'm going to lose my girlish figure," we all laugh and pretend not to notice that "girlish" went out the winder years ago.

Now that she's married the former Brady brat, Mrs. Adrienne Former Brady Brat
said, "I'm a taken woman. It's all good. This is what I've waited for," all
through gritted teeth in that monotone voice of hers. Ahh, the excitment of married life.
Next season's My Fair Brady will focus on their constant marital fights, make up sex and more frequent visits to the therapist.
Pretty much the same as the previous two seasons but now they have that marriage license which makes it all official.

Speaking of celebrity marriages that will no doubt last forever, I see Pam Anderson is now Mrs. Kid Rock.
She chose well. Almost as well as the first time around. Some women never wise up to the fact that while bad boys
are fun to hang out with, they're shitty husband material.

Ok, the chick on Girls Next Door "practice stripping" in front of her mother was bad enough,
but to strip down to pasties and a thong in front of Dad is just plain sick. There are certain things parents
should NEVER have to see their kids doing: having sex, stripping and moving back home to live with the folks are just a few of them.

While the sheriff's office said Mel Gibson was arrested "without incident," he's apologizing all over the place
for his loud, belligerant behavior and rant about the Jews.
The press is, of course, making a huge deal over it, and questioning why the sheriff's department downplayed the whole thing.
Probably cuz it's nothing they haven't seen/heard a million times before. A drunk is a drunk is a drunk. He called one female deputy "sugar tits," and asked another deputy
if he was a "Jew" after saying the Jews were "responsible for all the wars in the world." My feeling is that his apology is bullshit and a public relations ploy. Once that tape gets released to the media, Gibson will look like a total asshole and he knows it, so he's going to try and clean up the mess ASAP.

I was watching Planes, Trains and Automobiles yesterday. I love the scene near the end of the movie where
Steve Martin and John Candy are stopped by the police officer. The cop--Lenny from
Shirley and Laverne--says, "What the hell are you driving?" and John Candy says, "Well, we had a little fire."
The entire car is burned out except for the seats and the frame.
LOL. I love that.

Some animal rights activist, aka spoil sport, anonymously emailed the folks behind the
dead eel toss and informed them that their fun was "disrespectful to dead eels,"
and threatened to secretly tape the event to call media attention to it.
So 30 years of tossing dead eels in Lyme Regis, England, has gone down the pooper--so to speak--when the event was cancelled.
I'm thinking if this person was such an eel lover, why not sign their name to the email? Why do it in a cowardly way?
It was probably that obnoxious GEICO gecko.
Apparently the men would toss 25 pound dead eels at each other trying to knock the other down like bowling pins.
Almost as exciting as the shin kicking event in Great Britain, huh?
Now, let us all have a moment of silent meditation for dead eels everywhere....

I like that advert on the FOXnews site that shows a sloppy teenager's room and says, "Can you spot the signs of drug use?"
Clothes are strewn everywhere and the room is in disarray, with open drawers and books everywhere.
Hell, all I know is that room looks exactly like MY bedroom. Natch, I couldn't find the drugs. Half the time, I can't find them in my room either.

Saturday, July 29, 2006

i have forever always tried to stay clean and constantly baptized

Overplayed Song O'The Day: Pain Lies on the Riverside, LIVE

If the produce people MUST put freaking tags on every piece of fruit, could they at least make them EDIBLE tags?!
I'm sick of eating paper!!

I watched Hope Floats for the first time yesterday afternoon. Hey, have I ever DENIED being waaaaay behind when it comes to movies? Nay.
Anyway, I liked this movie but I didn't like the way Sandra Bullock's character treated her daughter. She acted as if she were a bothersome
after thought throughout most of the movie, as if the daughter wasn't hurting, too. I'm glad that she made her husband be the bad guy that he was,
but until that point, I just felt like she neglected her emotionally, so I can only give the movie a C rating.

I saw on CNN that there is a bill in Congress to lower the inheritance tax...........on multi million dollar estates.
Phew! I worry so about the rich.
How *will* they make it in these difficult times?!
Thank God Bush and the Republicans are there to make their way soooo much less "taxing".
I mean let's not even think about giving tax breaks to po' people who have to pay 14%. They only have meager inheritances anyway.
Besides, they wouldn't know what to do with that extra money.
They'd probably just blow it on worthless crap like food, gas or heating oil.

Poor Mr. G. Every fall, for the last several years, he made the annual trek to Mecca, aka Steeler Training Camp in Latrobe.
But alas, not this year.
The first few years he started to go there were only a couple thousand people showing up.
Spread across the grounds of St. Vincent's college, that didn't amount to much.
Steadily that has grown and last year they were coming by the busloads.
Now that they've won the Super Bowl, training camp will be a nightmare and oh, did I mention? Mr. G HATES crowds.
Plus, the guy he goes with is a procrastinating dick and it drives him nuts.
Their three or four weeks of opportunities to see the team turns into them scrambling to go on the very last day the public
is allowed at practice. It's happened that way the last four years in a row, and he finally said, "Enough is enough."
Besides, I think he's still kicking himself in the ass for refusing the season tickets Female Offspring #1 was going to borrow for him
last year. We had been racking our brains to come up with a really good birthday gift for him, and we knew the one thing he LOVES
is Steeler football. Shirts and hats get old after time, so we wanted to buy him tickets to the game.
Well, Female Offspring #1's boss has season tickets and she offered them to him for the New Year's day game.
When FO #1 called him, Mr. G assured her the game would be meaningless
because, at that point, they would have had to win all of their games to go to the Super Bowl. Which they proceeded to do.

I still get grossed out every time I think about this, which has been quite frequently in the last 24 hours.
Yesterday Alex posted an ad from Craigslist in which some ASSHOLE requested a
chick to--UGH--yank out her front teeth with pliers while fucking on camera. Now here's the lovely
part--as if that wasn't sick enough--ALL MEDICAL EXPENSES ARE HER REPSONSIBLITY. That is one of the sickest fucking things
I have heard in a long time. And you know what's sad? Someone will probably be desperate enough to do it.
You know I wondered where porn was going to go after all of the donkey punching and
gagging and vomiting. This is it?! Gawd, I miss the days when porn was about straight fucking and sucking on camera.
It seems like centuries ago.

Friday, July 28, 2006

my good thing where have you gone

When we came home from the restaurant last night, my beloved Hoveround was MISSING.
That's right, MISSING, in case you missed all those caps the first time around.
The offspring said they hid my most coveted possession because they "cared about me"
and "wanted me to walk more" and "get more exercise." Ahh yes, the "E" word. How I hate thee.
I said, "Fine. I'll walk more. As a matter of fact, I think I'll walk right into your bedroom,
Female Offspring #3 and read your diary, especially the part about how you LUV Johnny Carlson, but not in THAT way. OR
perhaps I could walk into your bedroom, Male Offspring #2, and peruse the Playboys you have hidden under your mattress?
BTW, not very imaginative. That's the first place we moms look for porno.
Now Male Offspring #3, on the other hand, keeps his Chubby Chicks porn mags hidden underneath the carpet
beneath his dresser, which I find very to be very clever. Not ingenious, but clever."
I felt like Jesus scribbling sins in the dirt when the self righteous dudes were stoning the 'ho.
I even said, "Let he who is without secrets.....or porn, steal the Hoveround."
After a few seconds of that, my Hoveround magically reappeared and I rode off into the sunset...or the living room, whichever you prefer.

Oh and btw, YES! Eat 'N Park is a REAL restaurant. I think it's Pittsburgh based, but we have them
through out Western Pa and YES, they're sit down restaurants.
Good grief. You people ask me these questions as if you have visions of me pulling my Kia to Eat 'N Park, and some chick on roller
skates comes out and puts a huge rib on the roof of my car ala the Flintsones.

Speaking of my lovely Kia, I was watching Mad TV and the guy went into the garage to pick
up his "luxury" car and he said, "I'm here to pick up my Kia Sephia, it's the top of the line Kia, cost me $8,000 brand new."
LOL...I was rolling. But they were ten thousand, damn it.

I don't care how nice he PRETENDS to be, I would not let that GEICO gecko anywhere NEAR my offspring!
Babysit the kids, my ass.
And please. GEICO committed a mortal sin in their latest ads as far as I'm concerned.
They had the female chick interviewer FLIRTING with the damn gecko. Ok, what is it with ad execs that make them think it's ok to make
women look so fucking desperate that they'd hit it with an animal?? Remember Spuds McKenzie??
Oh yeah, chicks drooling over a fugging dog, desperate to be his DATE, because he was a "celebrity," and we all know bikini clad women
would do anything to be near a celeb, even if he was a damn dog.
That ad campaign pissed me off majorly.
And what about Joe Fucking Camel having an array of sexy girlfriends?! GRRRRRRRRR. Don't get me started!

Mr. G pointed out something I had written on my anniversary card this year.
I ended my thoughts with: "....and thank you for all the happy years."
ANY time Mr G refers to our married years, he ALWAYS calls them "glorious" years.
For instance, this year he said, "We had 26 glooooorious years together." He's done this ever since I can remember.
I'm not really sure how much of it is sarcasm, but I'm guessing a hefty 75% of it.
But anyway, he said, "You said 'happy years,' not 'glorious years'."
I said, "Well, they were "glorious" until Holly came along. Then they got downgraded to 'happy'."

she drives me crazy and i can't help myself

The offspring are a tad pissed off at me because I made a scene at Eat 'N Park this evening. We had supper, and as is the tradition,
the KIDS get a free smiley face cookie. Well, I'm sorry, but I WANTED A DAMN FREE SMILEY FACE COOKIE!
I *might have* made a teeny bit of a scene screaming and yelling until I got one. But I GOT ONE!! HA!
To the victor goes the spoils....and the smiley face cookie.
Speaking of the Smiley Face Cookie, why in the world did they give him a Louie Armstrong type voice in the commercial?
To make him seem more kid friendly? Every time I see that damn commercial, I expect the cookie to start singing,
"It's a Wonderful World."

I read Lance Bass (hell I think it was him) is going to produce a gay version of The Odd Couple.
Whoopie. You couldn't get much gayer than Tony Randall.

I looked outside early this morning and saw two ducks eating in my front yard.
I drove the Hoveround out and said, "Look, you birds live two streets up. I suggest you get your asses home before I release the hound!"
And they said, "Quack, quack, quack, quaccccck!" which made me wonder why in the world did The Penguin on Batman 'quack'?
Penguins don't quack. So from now on, people, remember: if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it could be The Penguin.
Anywho, back to the ducks who were trying to peck me to death with their rubber beaks. I told them to amscray and they said, (using Duck to English translation here): "Fuck off, beotch!" because we all know ducks are sarcastic AND vicious,
as well as miserly, if Scrooge McDuck is anything to go by. And I don't care if they do wear cute little shirts.

Stephen Colbert's interview with the Congresswoman Eleanor Holmes Norton from Washington, D.C. was HILARIOUS. He really managed to get her all riled up.
He pointed out that she hadn't voted once since getting elected and she said it was because she had no vote in the House or Senate. After she got all pissy with him
because he tried to say the District of Columbia was not a part of the United States because it wasn't a state, Stephen said, "Do you see now why you don't get a vote?"
At the end of the interview, he said, "Thank you for taking time away from not voting to talk to us." IMHO, it was one of his best interviews.

I was watching an old rerun of "All in The Family," and I was trying to
decide who a young Sally Struthers reminded me of: Kelly Ripa.

Mr G did the laundry yesterday and he said, "I have a question. Why do I have 7 pairs of underwear in the wash and you only have three for the same time period?"
I said, "Because some of us believe in getting the most out of our underwear. I turn mine inside out."
Truth be told, I was my undergutchies separate from his because I have to use perfume free detergent. I don't want my cooch smelling "Spring Fresh" or like "Summer Rain", doggone it. I want it to smell like my trailer trash lovin' self!

Thursday, July 27, 2006

terrific thursday

I told Male Offspring #1 that the end of summer was his deadline: either he enrolls in college or he's
moving out to the guest house [aka the "shed"] in the backyard. I'm not putting up with one more year of that lazy, slacker doing nothing.
That kid is always "making plans." Plans which evenutally culminate into MORE plans. The only plan he hasn't made is
to get himself a job. So I laid down the law: get your ass in school or you're living in the shed.
So this morning he moved all his crap into the shed. I had no idea a one room shed could look so cozy.
Now I'm sorry *I* didn't move out there myself and leave this motley crew to fend for themselves.
Lunchtime rolls around and who's sitting at the table to eat? None other than Male Offspring #1.
I said, "Perhaps you're not getting the gist of this 'being kicked out of the trailer' stuff. NO FREE MEALS."
He said, "Mom! I'll STARVE!!"
I said, "That's a chance I'm willing to take. Now beat it."

I received an email last night/this morning from someone and I believe her name was Amber. It went into my junk mail folder and just as I hit "delete all" I realized that was probably not a junk email. Anywho the header was "loving your blog," and I don't even know which blog it was referring to, but I apologize for not answering because I didn't get to read it! Those damn spammers are getting so clever I never know whether the email is legit or not.

*Note to self--stop scheduling your chiro appts. early in the morning on your last day off when YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO SLEEP IN!!!* Mr. G is off today, too, so most of the day will be putzing around after I come back from the chiro and that suits me just fine.

I was reading an article about Anna Nicole Smith and this was the lead in paragraph:
"Anna Nicole Smith's former manager has exposed the busty blonde as a champagne-guzzling party girl,
who was at one-time hooked on 12 to 15 different medications, in a new TV shocker."
"Shocker"??? Excuse me, but a third grader could look at that chick and know instantly that she was addicted to numerous drugs and/or alcohol.
Half the time she couldn't even stand up straight and her speech was so slurred she reminded me of Bette Midler's last scene in "The Rose".
Yeah, the one in which she collapsed into a dead heap onstage.
The article goes on to disclose even more "shocking" information: it was Smith's addiction that caused her wild antics on her show!
Nooo! I refuse to believe it!

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

land hooo! not to be confused with a water hooooo!

My favorite alarmist relative has sent me the latest email making the
rounds about the horrors of bacteria on the bottom ...*cue scary music here* ...OF OUR PURSES!!
According to the email:
"A study was performed on women's purses. A health team went to a local
mall and took samples from the bottom of 50 women's purses."
(And no, these were NOT the same people who come at you with swabs of perfume samples in WalMart parking lot
in order to drug you and steal your shit. Or possibly RAPE YOU!! These were PRO-FESH-I-NAL swabbers.)
"The purses were
swabbed with cotton swabs along the entire bottom of the purses and
placed into special containers. The swabs were then processed at a local
(Evidently a laboratory where the "scientists" don't have real jobs
and that's why they have plenty of time to screw around performing bullshit tests such as this one.)
"The Health Report also showed where women place their purses: public
restrooms (on the floor beside the toilet), kitchen counters & kitchen
tables, on tables & chairs in restaurants, etc. The results of the
laboratory tests contained the following most serious result: 1 out of 4
purses had E COLI
Other extremely serious bacteria also were listed, including Hepatitis."
The only things on the inside bottom of my purse are several loose coins
and a wad of hard candy that's been stuck together since the Beatles broke up.
Course stuck to the outside bottom of my purse is a used condom and a q tip containing a week's worth of my belly button lint.
No matter how hard I try I can't seem to scrape either one of them off. Besides, that condom might come in handy....again.
But seriously, reading this has scared me straight. I AM GOING TO STOP LICKING THE BOTTOM OF MY PURSE TODAY!!
(Well, tomorrow, since I've already had my Wednesday lickin'.)

Monday, July 24, 2006

now in technicolor

I had a gawd awful gall bladder attack this morning. Well, I *hope* it's my gall bladder and
not an impending heart attack. Put it this way, if I don't update in a few days, you'll know why I'm not a gambler.
Of course, if I AM having a heart attack, I'm sure I didn't help matters by doing Taebo in the midst of it all.
Actually that made it feel a little better, but I did notice that when I did knee lifts on my right side, it was tender.
Four hours later, though, and it STILL feels like a three hundred pound man is doing the Macarena between my shoulder blades.
I haven't had ANY gall bladder problems
since I started eating properly so at first I'm like, "Why would this be happening? I haven't had anything fried OR fatty."
Then all of a sudden I had a vision of a dancing sausage pointing and laughing at me.
Oooooh, yeah, I had conveniently forgotten about that sausage I had for supper yesterday, the fattiest and friediest of all foods.
(Pretty funny that I ate sausage in lieu of Mushy's tale, don't ya think?)
I've just been having THE WORST craving for sausage cooked with red and green pepper slices and onion slices. I don't know why.
I've never really been a big fan of sausage unless it's breakfast sausage, dipped in Aunt Jemima's maple syrup and swimming next to pancakes.
I have noticed that I can handle fried foods much better if I use olive oil, but trust me, all the olive oil
in the world isn't going to save me from fatty bo balatty sausage, so no more of that!
When I was talking to my mother earlier this afternoon, I mentioned what happened, and she
said, "You know you can have that taken out," as if she were talking about having a wart removed. I don't WANT to have it taken out.
I have grown fond of ALL of my organs and would like for them to remain intact until said time as I die and they hack me up into pieces for
organ donation. At which point, somebody else can covet them.
I said, "Mum, it's my gallbladder. I'm sure it's there for a reason." Then, of course, she immediately started telling me stories about
everyone she's ever known who has had their gall bladder out and lived a perfectly normal life afterwards

Awwwww. Yesterday afternoon Mr. G came home and wished me a Happy Anniversary.
That is so sweet. Especially since our anniversary isn't until Wednesday.
But Lord love him, he quickly covered by saying, "Oh, I thought this WAS the 26th." wonder I love that man.

I am so tired of this "eat more, lose more" diet philosophy!
Yesterday I had six Snicker bars instead of three, and I didn't lose a DAMN POUND.

I saw the funniest thing on the way home from work the other day and I'm not making fun of anyone,
just pointing out something comical. There was a rather chubby girl--about 250-300 pounds,
and REALLY busty--riding a bicycle that was too small for her.
She was riding one of those boys bikes with the bar down the middle and she was wearing a rather lowcut shirt.
Even though she was riding up the street, she was seated and every time she brought her knee up,
it pushed her boob up and dangerously close to spilling out over her top.
It was one of those things that you see and you have to keep staring, you can't look away.
I keep thinking, "Gurl, if you speed up, we are ALL going to get a show."

monday revisited

Well damn. My gf and I went to visit another gf who had a baby about five weeks ago. She had the baby
laying on the floor, and I JOKINGLY--JOKINGLY, people--said, "Awww, babies. You know before they start rolling they make really great foot rests."
My gf, who should be used to my sense of humor by now, snatched that kid up off the floor and glared at me like I'd just said the kid had cooties.
Lighten up, people. Like I would use a baby for a foot rest, knowing perfectly well that cats
make the best foot rests. They're warm and soft and their purring vibration is oddly erotic.

Once again I am faced with the joys of parenting: refrigerator art. Most parents are thrilled to display their child's handiwork, be it a picture of a dog or a cat or the usual house with a smiley face sunshine, mom and dad and 2.5 kids in the yard standing next to a tree. Not at my trailer.
I just had to referee yet *another* argument between Male Offspring #1 and his siblings as they jockeyed for prime space on the refrigerator door. Male Offspring #1 is 22 years old and YOU'D THINK he'd be smart enough to know not to slap pictures of nude chicks on the fridge. Alas, he says it's "MY art and I have a right to display it."
It was at this exact momen that I knew I had failed as a mother, because my response was, "You want art? I'll give you art UP THE ASS."
What does that even mean? Beats me, but the words were out before I could even stop them and it's not like I haven't used them many times in the past.
My verbal parenting responses are divided into two categories: for the offspring who don't cuss like a sailor,
I say, "You want something to cry about?! I'll GIVE you something to cry about!" The offspring that are 8 and older
get the previous "up the ass" response. I'd like to have a wonderfully intelligent Dr. Phil comeback, but it's just not there. Sigh. At this rate I will never see that elusive Mother of the Year Trophy on my mantle.

Favorite Song O'The Day: Crazy by Gnarls Barkley

i can still hear my mama say turn that radio down!

I am having a very productive morning. Well, up until now, because once I drag out the laptop, all bets are off. I got up
early this morning and drove the offspring to summer school. Not because they're stupid, but because it's FREE!!
(Ok, truth be told, some are a tad stupid, but it's still FREE!!) After this is over, they'll have two weeks of vacation
Bible school at the local Brethren church. Not because we're Brethren, but because it's FREE!!
Heck the Bible school folks even toss in a FREE snack.
Sure the uncooked macaroni is SUPPOSED to be used in arts and crafts classes,
but my offspring don't know any better. They think it's a crunchy treat.
I came home from dropping the kids off, said my morning prayers on the front porch--mostly praying that Bible school would
would extend for a third week because that would take me right up to the start of school--and then I scrubbed
my bedroom carpets and cleaned the living room.
I bought the Rug Doctor brand of carpet cleaner this time and I like it so much better than Bissell's.
Bissell's has such a perfumy smell to it, that if you do more than one room, it's overwhelming.
I'm not noticing any with Rug Doctor. Maybe cuz I mixed it with their Odor Remover.
Then I tried to update my Hott Cops blog, but Blogger's being a dick again.
OH! This was really cool, one of the cops
from Palm Springs, Officer Anthony Pilutik
was nice
enough to comment in my blog. It's always great when a cop posts, but
when a GORGEOUS cop posts, well that's pretty much a day maker there.
That's pretty doggone good considering it's a Monday moanin'.

The writers of The Bold and The Beautiful all need to be dragged out and shot. They're using one of the oldest and lamest plot
drivers I've ever seen. Taylor accidentally hit her sister in law with her car and killed her. Taylor was drinking at the time, but her sister in law fell into the path
of her car, so on that end it WAS an accident. Unfortunately, Taylor's licensed had been suspended due to a previous DUI.
Taylor's daughter witnessed it along a California highway, but to date, has told no one. A teenager who keeps her mouth shut? Come on.
. Now here's some of the things I DETEST about
this sort of storyline. Evidently the writers think the viewers are idiots because no cops were called to the scene of the accident, despite the fact
that the victim had critical injuries. When the cops tried to interview Taylor at the hospital, her friend conveniently whisked her way saying she was "tired,"
and of course, the detective just LET HER GO after acknowledging that he knew she had been drinking..
Now this is the part of the storyline that REALLY annoys me: Taylor has tried several times to tell her brother in law that she is the one responsible
for his wife's death, but she gets interrupted every time. Good fucking grief.
"I feel so guilty because I--"
"We ALL feel guilty." UGH. Cut to the next scene when they get interrupted by more family members.
"I HAVE to tell you this, Thorne, I--"
"Excuse me, I have to take this call."
If this were a novel, I would have tossed it into the garbage, AFTER writing a bitch rant to the author.
This is second grade stuff and while I realize it's JUST a soap, as
some people say, they're getting paid to do their job and that doesn't give them an excuse to crank out sloppy plotlines.

This is currently my favorite spam email subject, "Can't Stand Sex All Night Long?"
No, no, I hate that "all night long" sex."
Gimme some of that good old "wham, bam, hey, it's already over, ma'am" two second sex.

Sunday, July 23, 2006

there is wonder in most everything i see

So I got a phone call from a long time girlfriend, who I hadn't spoken to in a while. We were actively emailing, which just seemed easier. Anyway, I wasn't home and Mr. G gave me the message. I got her machine when I tried calling, so I emailed her to let her know what it was she wanted, and she emails me back saying, "I hope it was ok that I called. I was afraid your husband would answer." I'm like WTH?! Not like we're having some torrid lesbian affair that he can't find out about. Good grief. Now I know my husband is big and bad and mean ..oy...but trust me, unless you're calling to tell him he's won the lottery, chances are he's not even going to pay attention, let alone pick up.
Hell, I was lucky he even passed the message on. Course it did take him four days.
Most of the time he listens to the message, erases it and promptly forgets it. OR worse yet,
he'll say, "Your gf called about something." What? "I don't know what she was jabbering on about."

Typical fun day with Mr. G's family. He went to visit his dad with his sister and his mother. He dropped his mother off at her house, then his sister and was on his way home when his sister called our place. She left her cell phone in the car and wanted him to take it to work with him, and she'd get it from there. Five minutes later she calls back and says, "Let me know if you the phone is there so I know it's not lost." She calls two more times and says basically the same thing. THEN his mother calls and says, "Did you find your sister's cell phone? She thinks she left it in car." Five minutes later his sister calls again and I answered this time, though, as a rule, I generally stay OUT of all conversations between his family members. The calls were just getting on my nerves. I said, "Here's an idea: give the man enough time to GET HOME." Good grief. That is so typical of his family, to just keep calling and calling, without giving him time to respond, and then his mother always manages to get involved. Oy.

If you'd like to read a"interesting" story about an incident that Mushy remembers from his childhood, check this out. It's the Sunday, July 23rd "Messin' Round the Barn" post.
Bugs, in light of that corn hole email you sent me, you'll want to read this.
Oh, and don't anybody read it while you're eating. I think it turned me off pork for the rest of muh life....LOL!

Dang it. I hate it when Verizon has really good videos in their video center because I have no idea how to discern the url for the vid so I can put it here.
The good one today was about a South Florida man who stole a puppy from a pet store by putting it down the front of his shorts.
Now the funny thing about this vid is when the guy casually strolls out of the store petting the CROTCH OF HIS PANTS.
I keep thinking, "damn wouldn't somebody notice something like that?!" Then again it IS Florida....
Poor puppy. He's probably traumatized from having to look at that jerk's teeny weeny.

Saturday, July 22, 2006

who got the hooch

ATP is going to NY tonight and he said he has no idea how I get around in my Hoveround.
I told him, "People naturally seem to move out of your way once they realize you have the ability of running several hundred pounds over their toes....."
Like the last time the fireman came and cut out the west wall of the
living room so they could take me to the truck stop to be weighed. One of the younger firemen was all smart assed
and muttering under his breath about how I should just lose weight because he had more important things to do than hoist me onto a truck.
Sure, more "important" things like sitting around the firehouse reading porno mags
and making boringly stereotypical references to using his "fire hose" too cool off the hot chicks.
Like he has a snowball's chance in Hell of getting his little hose anywhere near a hot chick.
I looked him right in the eye and said, "Buddy, one more wise ass comment like and the
minute my body is off the ground, I am rolling in your direction." Shut him right up.
It's like Grandpa always says, "Your body is a weapon. Don't be afraid to use it."
He usually says this right before he clears out the room with a good fart to secure an ideal seat on the couch.

Poor Mindy McCready was in court crying and accusing the cops of pulling her over so they could give her a "hard time."
Yeah, I'm sure it had nothing to
with the fact that she was driving 58 in a 40 mph zone or because she had been drinking.
God bless the cops. It's great that they're around to blame in situations like these.
If nothing else, it saves you from having to take responsiblity for your own actions.

Favorite Headline O'The Week: "Is Nicole Richie Too Skinny To Shop?"

Mr. G and I often talk about our childhoods as we try to outdo each other in the "I had a pathetic-er childhood than you did" category.
I really have to laugh, though, when he talks about his dad. His dad was one of those overprotective men. For instance, Mr. G and
his sister were only permitted to ride their bikes UPhill. God forbid, they should be riding downhill and the brakes gave out.
They might actually have a great ride. Oh, yeah, and get hurt.
By far, the funniest thing he has EVER told about his youth was his Fourth of July story. Remember how
I said it was totally pathetic of us kids to get all excited when my dad burned the flare in the garden every year?
Well Mr. G's dad wouldn't let them use sparklers because he was afraid they'd burn themselves.
So they had to WATCH while his dad played with the sparklers!
When he told me that, I said, "Ok you have me beat. Your Fourth of Julys were DEFINITELY more pathetic-er than mine."
I also like his story about playing marbles in the dirt. They used to dig holes to play marbles and when the neighbor kid would get pissed off at them,
he'd fill the holes with dog poop.

Methinks the spammers might be winning this war. Now I'm getting spam FROM my own addy TO my own addy.

Thursday, July 20, 2006

dont take advice from a fool

OH....MY....GAWD!!!!! IT HAS ARRIVED!!!!
Isn't it GORGEOUS?! I am soooooooo thrilled. It's a mix of white and champagne
diamonds, and pink and yellow gold.
I haven't stopped looking at it. I went with the 10k gold. You can't tell much difference when it
comes to 10 and 14k with the naked eye. And for the difference in gold, I was able to buy a
THREE carat ring for the same price as the TWO carat, 14k gold one. Screw that. But I've noticed
more and more that a lot of the jewelry stores are selling 10k gold rings, whereas before they were ALWAYS
14k. But this has a nice wide band the whole way around and I have
to say, I NEVER thought I'd own a ring as beautiful as this one. Mr. G's response to the ring when I showed him? "That's a looooooooooot of blow jobs, honey." And well worth every one of 'em!

Awww, Dish has Baby First TV, for babies from six months to three years old.
What a great idea because you want to snag that youngest demographic as soon as possible...

This gives all new meaning to screwing the cops....
A female New Zealand cop was allowed to keep her badge after it was discovered she was working as a hooker on the side. 'Tuting is legal in New Zealand.
"(Deputy commissioner) Lyn Provost deemed the nature of the secondary employment as incompatible with policing and the officer is receiving counselling," he said. "The counselling is usually an internal thing where there is talk about what they've done." Mr Neilson would not say when or where the officer had worked as a prostitute, as these were "matters confidential between the employer and employee". It was understood the officer had sought secondary employment due to financial difficulties"
My favorite part of the article was this: Police Association President Greg O'Connor says it is a harsh reality that many police officers have to get second jobs to support their families, as police pay simply does not provide enough."
Pssssst, Officer! The home based pharamaceutical bidness pays WAY more! At least that's what they tell me....

On the way home from work yesterday, I heard the song. "Top of the World" by the Carpenters,
and the radio announcer said, "Well, there's a voice that will be sorely missed."
"Will be"? Um, hello? She's been dead for YEARS. Oy.

On the Daily Show they showed a clip of Kansas Senator Brownback talking about stem cell research. He said, "This is an egg and this is an eagle. If you destroy the egg, you don't get the eagle,but the eagle comes out of the egg."
Jon Stewart said, "Using that same logic Senator Brownback is a vagina."

Nicole Richie fainted while shopping yesterday. Richie tried to pick up a package of
marshmallows and apparently the 16 ounce bag was too heavy for her. She crumbled to the ground in a sweaty, but tiny heap. She should gone for the 8 ounce bag. What the hell was she thinking?! She's not used to lifting weights...

I have never seen a bigger drama queen than that Jonathan dude on Blow Out. He's annoying.
But get this, he was hiring staff for his new salon, and it was VERY, VERY clear that he was personally interested in one chick.
He did not hire her, but he took her aside and told her that he was interested in "seeing her" aka "fucking her brains out". She was all giggly and excited about the prospect.
Granted, this sort of stuff happens to me ALL THE TIME. Prospective employers are
ALWAYS hitting on me, and I have to smack them over the head with my marriage license until they FINALLY get the message that I have no interest in them, but I'd like the job.
Seriously though, had I been this chick with my work ethic, I would have been highly insulted.
She's not good enough to hire but she's good enough to fuck? And you KNOW that's all he wanted. She was smart, though. She was flattering him and pandering to his ego during the interview and he was sucking it all up. But again, it didn't get her the job. Just a fuck offer.
How would you feel if this happened to you, ladies? Would you agree to date the person thinking it could lead to a job or would you say "all or nothing"?
And I'm asking the ladies cuz as long as the dudes are getting their balls sucked, I don't think they really care about work ethics....

In O Magazine, Oprah explained that she and gal pal Gayle are NOT gay. She said, "I can understand
why people think we're gay. There isn't a definition in our culture for this kind of friendship."
Stephen Colbert said,
"Even Oprah's friendships are on a higher level than everyone else's."

Tony Snow, on why the President is speaking at the NAACP for the first time
in his presidency, even though he's been asked five years in a row: "Because he wants to."
BTW, I find it quite comical that the NAACP is working for the advancment
of African Americans, yet they still refer to them as COLORED PEOPLE.
Time to change that name, National Association for the Advancement of Colored People, People.

The GEICO commercial with Little Richard...ugh. I don't know what's more annoying: him or that dumbass gecko.

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

caution: dangerous bitch ahead

Unless you're as big a stat whore as I am, you totally won't get any of this. So if you're NOT a stat whore, move along, move along, there's nothing to see....

This is something that is driving me BONKERS, so I'm going to mention it, because I just can't keep it in anymore. Someone--and I won't name cities--has been methodically working their way through one of my blogs--and I won't say which. Sometimes looking at 95 entries at a sitting. NOT ONCE have they EVER commented on anything. Not even a "like your site." Nada. Zip. Zilch. And it's not that I'm not glad they're looking, but COME ON.

But let me explain why this drives a stat whore like me CRAZY. My Blonde Intuition and Hott Cops' free stats only allow me 100 entries. So say I go to bed at midnight and while I'm sleeping 50 people log onto my Hott Cops site. Along comes this person who proceeds to look at 95 entries--not the least bit unusual for them, btw. That knocks off 45 of the OTHER people who read it through the night, and all I see is this one person's 95 entries and five other log ins. That leaves me unable to discern if I've gained any new loyal skimmers or been blessed with more one time wonders.
Finish looking everything over with a fine tooth comb already!!!!

Ok, back to your regularly scheduled kvetching. Time for my Valium and Vodka chaser...

causing a commotion

Now THAT'S the husband I know and love...when Mr. G found out that I ordered
my ring, he said--with an incredibly sick look on his face--"you really ordered one?!"
I'm like, "You SAID I could!" and he replied with a weak, "well, yeah, but..."
Every time the phone rang today and I said, "Who was that?" he answered, "They called to say
your ring order has been cancelled." Awwww. All is well in my world.

I was at work yesterday and my boss got pissed off about something the person
in the adjacent property was doing and she said, "I'm going to call the police!"
She was within her rights, but it was INCREDIBLY HOT AND HUMID here yesterday.
Translation: I was sweating like an Israeli in Lebanon.
I thought, "I have one of two options: 1. I can allow my boss to call the police, knowing that if she does there is a 99.9999999% chance the officer they send will be a good looking hunka hunka burning love. OR 2. I can talk her out of this stupidity." I chose option numero dos.
I said, "You don't want to do that. Think of all the hard feelings it will cause."
Think of me having to meet the cop at the door looking all sweaty and yucky.
At least wait till I'm cool and collected. Wearing a nice dress and some lipstick maybe. I forgot my damn lipstick, for God's sake!!

She listened to me. For now.
After all there is nothing more pathetic than a grown woman uttering, "Please, God, let them
send an old and ugly cop" over and over for twenty minutes,
knowing full well there are no old and ulgy cops on the city's pd. Besides, we know God's busy with that whole Barry Bonds thing.

My gf called me last night upset about something her grown daughter did.
She said, "I was so upset I ate an entire can of fruit cocktail."
Fruit fucking cocktail.
I said, "Look. When you find that you've eaten two bags of Oreo Double Stuffs,
that have been mixed into a half gallon of chocolate ice cream, covered in hot fudge,
and melted down in the microwave into a delicious shake, which you drank while eating
chocolate cake, call me. We'll talk. As it stands, I got nothing to say to you. Begone Slim Fast whore!"
I don't want to hear anything about freaking fruit cocktail.

I'm kinda ticked that guys don't have to deal with the same sort of bullshit in commercials that women do.
I want to see some guys sitting around at a party talking about testicular cancer
and how they want to tell their friends to check their balls every day.
Or is checking your balls every day something you guys just NATURALLY do?

And if I hear one more goodie goodie say, "It takes a village to raise a child," I'm sending them 15 offspring.

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

dizzy up the girl

AHA!! I tricked Mr. G and ...well, he passed the test. When he called me at work yesterday afternoon,
I, oh, so casually said, "Honey, remember how you said you wanted me to buy that ring because you wanted
me to be happy? Well, I saw a BETTER ring and it's only $899. What do you think?"
He replied, "The answer is 'no'. I want you to be happy not ecstatic. And don't think I don't know you were testing me."
So I ordered the ring and it should be here by Monday. YAY!!
I probably won't update Tuesday cuz I'll be temporarily blinded by the glare of the diamonds.....

I love the commercial for the new birth control pill YAZ. It shows three women sitting
around at a party discussing birth control. Trust me, guys, when I say it happens that way ALL THE TIME.
If we're not jibber jabbing about the latest method of birth control, we're yakking
about our persistent vaginal itch or our leaky tampon problems.
My favorite part of the YAZ commercial is where the one chick discloses all the
side effects then claims to be a doctor. Yes, they're just that informed.
When the doctor wanted to give me a script and I asked about side effects,
she had to stop and read the information pamphlet. And yet the tv doctor has them all memorized.

What the hell gives with that Geico gecko swearing in his latest commercial? He clearly says, "What the hell..."
Who the hell is he to be swearing like that on national television? And why the hell is it necessary?
When the Christian Coalition gets a hold of his slimey green ass they're going to boot him right into Hell.

Another favorite commercial is the one for cervical cancer in which the women
talk about how it's caused by a virus--HPV--and go on to say they "just want
to tell all their friends". Well it sure beats clogging their inbox with all those Jesus forwards.

I remember mentioning before that I felt gastric bypass surgery was not the answer for so many overweight people because it's a physical solution to an emotional problem. Randy Jackson was on The View yesterday and he talked about people he knows having the surgery a SECOND time because after a while your stomach stretches. Obviously this is not the way the weight issue needs to be addressed. I'm sure several years on down the road, the medical community will have this HUGE breakthrough and admit that gastric bypass didn't solve the problem. One woman I work with had the surgery because she was IN DANGER OF getting diabetes. Guess what? Now that she's had the surgery, she's gotten diabetes. Why? Because she thought she could eat whatever she wanted and spent all her time loading up on carbs and little else, so the surgery never addressed her real problem. But this doesn't really surprise me because if the medical community pushes exercise and proper diet over gastric bypass, they won't make any money on that.

The Daily Show is celebrating TEN YEARS of being on the air.
I was really suprised to hear that. I would have guessed 6 years tops.

Too funny. I was watching the infomercial for Turbo Jam and the chick includes a "recipe" book.
One of the "recipes" is for celery and peanut butter. If somebody needs a freaking recipe to figure out
how to smear peanut butter on celery, how in the world are they going to have the smarts to operate the DVD player?
The funny thing about Turbo Jam is that it's QUITE A BIT of Taebo, only faster and
with better music. The boring music is the
one major problem I have with Taebo. That and the fact that BILLY LIES!!
He will say, "one more set," then he turns it into THREE more sets!!!

Monday, July 17, 2006

why dont you come around no more

Mr. G is actually ENCOURAGING me to get this ring. Something is not right.
In all the time we've been married, he has NEVER encouraged me to buy jewelry EVER.
And now he "wants me to be happy"? Bullcacky. I know better.
I've been watching him for days, trying to figure out his ulterior motive. Ooooh, I am in Girl from U.N.C.L.E. mode big time.
Today I just snapped and said, "Alright, what's up with this ring? It's almost like you WANT me to have it."
He said, "I DO want you to have it."
I gave him my best "you're hiding something and I'll figure it out if it KILLS me" stare,
and said, "You've never wanted me to have jewelry before. Now you're all for it? I don't think so."
He laughed and said, "ONLY YOU would find something suspicious about me wanting you to have something that makes you happy."
Indeed. I'm keeping my eyes on him.

Bugs' writes: "I give Peter Brady and the wifey no more than three months. I love how he's
always bitching that people are coming up to him on the street calling him
"Peter" instead of "Chris", and yet he's allowed himself to A) be filmed on a
reality tv show and B) to be filmed on a reality tv show entitled"My Fair
BRADY". He's such a putz."
Hmm, you're right. I didn't even think about that, but I did hear that rant about being called "Peter" the other day.
It occurred to me he should feel lucky people give a rat's ass to notice him at all.
It just makes me GMAO knowing that she's already dragged
him to a couple's therapist. It's all downhill after that and they haven't even made it to the altar yet!
I wanted to scream, "Don't suck all the fun out of his life now! Save some of that until after you get married...."

MSN had an article the other day called "9 Ways to Meet a Man," so I thought I would
post my article "Great Ways to meet a Hott Cop", since I am a MAN MAGNET.
1. Call 911 and hang up. When the cops arrive, greet them at the door SEMI- naked. Men enjoy a little mystery.
2. Plenty of opportunities to meet cops will arise when you're in jail being booked for making 911 hang up calls.
3. Move into a trailer court. The cops are always here "visiting" someone.
These next two suggestions are EXCELLENT attention getters, but I'd skip them if you don't have good car insurance.....
4. Ram into a parked police cruiser
5. If you'd like to increase your chances of meeting more than one hott cop, go to the PD parking lot and ram several parked police cruisers
6. Let your open container of alcohol hang out the window while driving. And if per chance he should miss it, ask the cop if he'd like to "take a swig".
7. Leave the trailer wearing no makeup, a ratty pony tail and sweatpants--this is a group of people who always seem to "meet" the police often
8. Write your phone number across your tits and whenever you see a cruiser, flash 'em.
Always make sure you flash them in the FRONT of the cruiser where the dash cam is located.
That way if the cop experiences that deer in the headlights sensation, he can get the number from the vid at a later date.

I am AMAZED at Holly's hearing capabilities.
The other evening Mr. G was in the bedroom reading and I was in the living room working on my puzzle and watching COPS.
As per usual, the dog was glued to my side, fearful I might experience some sort of spontaneous fun that didn't include her.
She was laying NEAR me but I had a clear path around her without touching her, and her head was facing away from me.
She had been sleeping for a good half hour, so she was deep into it, and there were two fans running in the room.
Because of all the noise, the tv was turned up fairly loud.
I snuck out of the room, went into the bedroom and asked Mr. G if he wanted a blowjob.
He said, "Ok, but put Holly outside first so she doesn't bother us."
I said, "She won't bother us. She's sound asleep."
He started laughing and said, "She's standing right behind you."
That dog doesn't. miss. a. trick.
When I was walking her last night, I said, "Let's see if there are any ripe berries."
She immediately turned in the direction of the berry bushes and took me to each spot in the yard where they grow.
The dog is a genius. A genius who growls at my dangerous, dangerous sneakers.

My gf was talking to me about how she weighs herself every day. What a waste of time and energy. I threw my scale out
years ago. I don't know what I weighed then, but I was still mobile enough to walk to the front door of the trailer. Now I use the underwear method to tell whether or not I've gained weight. You take one of those black markers and draw a line on your belly where the waistband of your underwear ends. If my underwear rides higher than that line, I know I've lost weight. If they riding lower, I know I've gained. See? A method so simple an idiot can figure it out. And make sure you use a PERMANENT magic marker so you don't have to keep drawing the line. You're welcome.

I was watching the evening news yesterday, and there was a story about an elderly man who had plowed into a new vehicle at a car dealership. That car, in turn, piled into another one, until there were five new vehicles involved.
*I can hear his insurance rates rising, like the screeching of so many Howler Monkeys*
They interviewed one of the guys who worked at the dealership, and after he expressed fear that the man had been seriously injured, he said, "Luckily he only had a few bumps and bruises. So there was just a little damage to the vehicles."
"Just a little damage" was over one hundred and eighty THOUSAND dollars.
That understatement was almost as comical as the one the boxing announcer made
when Riddick Bowe returned to the ring. He said, "After a little mischief, you're back..."
That "little mischief" he was referring to was Bowe kidnapping his ex wife and children,
threatening his ex with a knife, handcuffs, duct tape and pepper spray, for which he spent 18 months in prison.

you can hear the music on the a.m. radio

The first thought that occured to me as I was watching some of this season's Project Runway
is that the designers themselves need designers. Their personal style of dress
could best be described as "one paycheck away from homelessness."

So how long do we think that whole Brady marriage is going to last?
I'm guessing not as long as their reality show has. Chris Knight will get tired of being someone's
fixer upper project--I love it when the gals latch onto a man who needs a complete overhaul--and take a hike or she'll get tired of him making her feel immature and stupid...
Either way, I hope he had the smarts to sign a pre nup. If they didn't, he'll
be singing a new song, "Here's the story of a man named Brady, who was busy divving up half of all he owned...."
The thing that I found so funny about this show
is that Chris Knight spent most of the one season bitching that he wanted this chick to move out and then all of a sudden,
they're getting married. Great solution to the "I have no personal space" problem, Chris.

If I see ONE MORE exercise infomercial that uses the line, "it's so fun, you
don't even know you're working out," I'm gonna upchuck.
For me, the excessive panting and profuse sweating are always clues.
Having to wring out my bra when I'm finished is usually another big clue.

The current tempature is: FRICKIN' HOTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!

I got up at 6 a.m. to do my Taebo this morning. No FREAKING way was I going to do it after work like I did last night. Ugh.
And even though Holly did her damndest to lay between my legs and chew her bone while I stretched, I reigned victorious!!

I love the way they're making a HUGE deal about the fact that the South Park ep about Tom Cruise "coming out of the closet"
is going to re-air after it was yanked from banishment. Whoop de fucking do. Great victory. The only thing duller than that
episode is R.Kelly's song, Trapped in the Closet. And we all know how gawd awful THAT was. All 85 chapters of it.
(Believe it or not, to date, Kelly has released 13 chapters of Trapped in the Closet,
calling it a "hip hopera". I call it an "unhip piece o'crapra".)

Saw some music videos this morning and here are my thoughts on what I saw...whether you want 'em or not.
The lead singer of The Fray needs to STOP doing that "Flock of Seagulls" hairdo(n't).
His hair is only a few inches long so he ends up looking like a male Kewpie doll. Not a good look.
Why didn't Paris Hilton just go one step further and turn her "music" video into porn?
Lord knows all the elementes were there: slutty chick, insipid music, K Fed look alike.
I must have been looking at the wrong chick when
I googled Rihanna. I remember thinking, "hmm, she's cute." But when I saw her SOS vid, that gurl is SMOKIN' SEXY!
As is Nelly Furtado in "Promiscuous Boy."
Christina A has waaaay too many costume & hair changes in her latest vid, "Ain't No Other Man".
(Ditto Beyonce's DejaVu)
It ends up being more annoying than anything. Course I'm not a guy with a heart on for her.
I don't like Mary J Blige's song "One" with U2 at all.
Brooke Hogan is looking like every other young female singer in her video. *Yawn* Not a doggone thing there to set her apart from the rest. Unfortunately. She's very pretty but she's going to be a one hit wonder if she doesn't do something to make herself stand out from the pack.
The lead singer of the Dixie Chicks seriously needs to step away from the black eyeliner.
I'd like to see one black rap artist make a video that does NOT contain a
half naked chick who is sweating like an overworked whore in Bangcock.
Death Cab for Cutie's vid, "I Will Follow You Into The Dark" proves that there's nothing more attractive than a guy in a shirt, tie and sneakers.
(Not really. That was sarcasm.)

Sunday, July 16, 2006

we got in trouble with the poleece man we got busted gettin' high in the back of my friends van

I'm so happy that Barbaro has had a couple good nights in a row. Personally I think it's all the well wishes.
So I'd like all of my readers to take a moment right now and say this little prayer,
"Dear Lord, please let Barbaro live a long and healthy life, please let Goddess be able to connect to
her stolen wifi at work more often, and please don't let Mr. G flip out when he sees the cost of the
anniversary ring Goddess picked out. Oh, and tell Jesus, Goddess did NOT mean to scream
His name in vein last night when she rammed her toe into the coffee table. Amen."

I have found the perfect gift to say "I heart you" to Mr. G for our twenty SIXTH (and counting...) wedding
anniversary: an ear and nose hair trimmer!
What guy wouldn't be estatic about getting one of those babies?!
While I'm on the subject of my twenty SIXTH (and counting...) wedding anniversary, I had the lucky opportunity to chat with Mother Goddess yesterday. This was right after one of my nieces dropped da bomb on her and if you know me well enough, you'll know what that bomb was.
(Or feel free to axe, I don't want to print it here. Lord knows my mother comes off as strange enough. Suffice it to say, my niece revealed something so horribly upsetting to my Catholic mother that she might as
well said, "Hey, Gram, I'm whoring around with the entire Pittsburgh Steeler football team.")
So that put her in a VERY argumentative mood. In other words, she was hunting bear.
She argued with me for almost ten minutes that it was only my twenty FIFTH anniversary.
She kept saying, "Are you sure? I don't think so. You're counting wrong." THEN she says the funniest thing of all, "Now
your sister is celebrating HER twenty SIXTH wedding anniversary."
I got married in July and the sister she is referring to got married in October OF THE SAME YEAR.
I didn't let her get to me, I knew she was just mad at my niece, so I was like, "WTH? Are you taking some sort of
drugs or did you guzzle down too much Communion wine at Mass?"
If I was having that same conversation with Mr. G's mother, I'd KNOW it was some sort of drug problem. She's a pill popper from a way back. A sloppy pill popper. It's not so much that you're a druggie, but learn to handle your drugs, people. When I took drugs, way back when my sperm donor o'the moment was making good money and I could afferd it, I was able to clean the trailer, wash the dishes AND breastfeed the offspring all at the same time because I knew how to handle my drugs. I wasn't a sloppy druggie like my MIL. I was the kind of addict you see on Dr. Phil. The kind that accomplishes so much in one day that you wonder why she's even THINKING about giving up the drugs.

There was an article in the city paper about WWE, which is coming to town.
One fan said this after saying that he didn't watch football because the outcome was obvious, "In wrestling, it's so unpredictable and that's entertaining. What's the point of watching something if you know the outcome?"
BWAHAHAHAHA. Which is more phony, people: wrestling or Pam Anderson's tits? Sorry, it's a three way tie.
Richard Freeman used to send Mr. G wrestling zines years ago that told EXACTLY who was going to win the bouts, as it's all decided beforehand.
The scary thing is these were not small children they were interviewing. They were...gawd, I'm so sorry to have to say this....adults.

Yay! I finally got to see Kathy Griffin's
premier ep from the second season and I got to see the Chief of Police Timothy Longo.
May I just say his picture does not do the man justice at all.

Then I watched the Whammy championship from like two or three years ago and
there was a chick on there that was talking exactly like Karen from Will & Grace.
Let me say this: on Will & Grace, it's hilarious.
In "real life," it's FREAKING ANNOYING to hear a grown woman talk like a cartoon character cranked up on helium.

I have been back at Taebo for the last two weeks and today will be a real test of my femihood...or whatever
the hell the opposite of manhood is.
It's almost 90°, the humidity is darn near 300%, and the "real feel temperature" is the same as it is on the third level of Hell.
I have to go home at 6 o'clock and do Taebo. Ugh. I really have a hard time
exercising in the evening anyway, and the heat makes it so much harder to get motivated.
I always do best on an empty stomach and fifteen bottles of caffinated Diet Pepsi.

Saturday, July 15, 2006

i loved you more than i wanted to there's no point in trying to pretend

I found this story on my favorite police story site:

"A Hugo police officer has been terminated from his position. Hugo city officials say that a citizen took this picture of the police officer engaging in activities in his police vehicle.

City officials would not speculate on the type of activity... and at this time... no formal charges against the officer have been filed.

The city of Hugo issued the following statement:

"The police officer was engaging in activities while on duty that could bring reproach and discredit to the city of Hugo, and the Hugo police department.

"As a result of this activity by the police officer while on duty, the city of Hugo and the Hugo police department terminated the employment of the Hugo police officer, effective immediately."

Here are the pictures:

This is what I think happened. I think they were having a friendly conversation, when all of a sudden, he said, "Oh crap. My zipper's stuck."
She said, "Let me help you with that. I'm pretty handy." She leans in, works on it a little bit then says, "I almost got it. Let me get closer."
Next thing you know her shirt gets caught in his zipper and with one final tug, her entire shirt gets sucked into the teeth of his zipper. Then he gets terminated and that's the thanks she gets for being a Good Samaritan. What a world we live in. *wink*
I know that whatever they were doing, it HAD to be totally innocent. After all, who would be STUPID enough to do anything sexual in BROAD DAYLIGHT RIGHT IN FRONT OF SOMEONE'S HOUSE??? So tell me, what do YOU think they were doing?

Some people make things so much harder than they have to be. On the Dog Whisperer today, they showed the tale of a biting, hyper Maltese. This sucker wasn't two pounds soaking wet and yet she had a German Shepard cowering in fear. The interesting thing is that the owners said the dog wouldn't come when called by name, but she would come to the word "chicken."
Duh, people. Change the damn dog's name to Chicken and be done with it.
I was telling Mr. G about the dog and he said, "Why don't they just change the dog's name to Chicken?"
And that, my friends, is why he and I have been together all these years......and why our dog is totally out of control.

Every time I see the infomercial for My Gym, I watch with rapt attention. Not because
I want one--ok they look pretty cool--but because the guy who's pimping it, Neil Somebody or other, is totally HOTT.

WW told me about this story. This is why it always pays to make friends
with the dispatchers. You can get that all important hott cop info without getting a police record....
I'm surprised they charged her, though. I thought they'd just give her a warning. I mean she didn't lie about why she was calling,
even though she was calling the wrong place for that sort of thing. But a lot of people call 911 every day with non emergencies, and I'm sure
they don't all get charged for that.

Thursday, July 13, 2006

she holds you captivated in her palm

I love the American Express commercial where the guy is in a jewelry store buying an engagement ring and
he is told his card is maxed out. His fiancee encourages him to call American Express. Notice she didn't say *either* of the following:
a. Sweetie, maybe we can't afford a ring this expensive?
b. Sweetie, I'm not marrying your broke ass.
Nope, like the good wife she hopes to become, she encourages him to max out yet another credit card.

Lurlene has problems with her son stealing so she dragged him over to my trailer to talk to me. Stupid bitch, mutter mutter. Anywho, I told the future jailbird about the time I stole a candy bar. I was about 8 or 9 years old and I stole a Powerhouse candy bar. My dad found out and he made me take it back to the store and apologize to the owner. I told the future cat burglar that I was incredibly humiliated about the entire episode. Lurlene said, "And you never stole again, right?" I said, "Don't be an idiot, Lurlene. Of course I continued to steal. I just got more clever about the WAY I stole. Now get you asses out of my trailer and DON'T STEAL ANYTHING ON THE WAY OUT!!" Once a thief, always a thief.

My one co-worker is always asking me what I'm having for lunch. (Why, I have no clue.) Anyway, it's been incredibly hot and humid here the last few days and apparently, it's only going to get worse. She said, "Since it's so hot out, I think I'm going to have soup. What about you?" SOUP??!! I'm going with cold fruit salad and she's having soup..ugh.

I saw an advertisement for a two CD set of Pink Floyd. The set is 4 hours long. That would be what? Three songs?

Ben Roethlisberger looked really well at the ESPY Awards ceremony.
I'm liking the new short haircut and goatee. Guys don't realize how SEXY that short hair really is. Ben looked sloppy last season,
but in this photo from the awards, he's looking mighty sharp and healthy.

I was watching my soaps yesterday and I saw a commercial for Hanes underwear featuring the Momix Dance Company doing all sorts of ungodly moves in their underwear. I can only ASSume the Hanes are glued to their butt cheeks because if I made ANY of those moves, I'd be digging my underwear out of the crack of my ass for a good five minutes. Ok, the first minute I had my fingers back there would be to dig my undies out, the remaining four would be cuz it just feels niiiiice.

Now that the time of our wedding anniversay is nigh upon us, I am once again campaigning for a new diamond ring.
A TWO or THREE carat diamond this time. Screw that ONE carat bullshit.
After 26 years of living in a one bedroom trailer with 16 kids, I totally deserve this.
Now you might say, "But, Goddess, why not put that $ towards a new trailer?"
And to that I say, "Don't be stupid!! And mind your own damn business!"
Besides, If we buy a new trailer, I won't have anything to bitch about.
You see, in essence, I'm being a good wife and giving
my husband a goal: a new trailer. It gives him a reason to keep working and striving
for the next 25 years. And who am *I* to take that away from him?!
Mr. G said, "Ok, you can pick out a new ring, BUT it counts as your anniversary,
Christmas and birthday gift.....for the next five years."
That's it. I am so buying him an uglee tie and a bottle of cheap, stinky aftershave.

My gf's husband is a big hunting nut, so she bought him a camouflage photo collage frame so she
could hang up some of his hunting pics. The only problem is that the frame is bordered in camouflage and
he's wearing camouflage in all the pics, so all I can see are his eyes. It's like playing the "find Waldo" game.
She's so damn proud of the pics, too. When I went over to the house, she was like, "Didn't these pictures come out GREAT?"
I said, "Ummm, I GUESS so."
I pointed out the pics to Mr. G, who said, "Where the hell is he?"
I said, "Right here, by this tree."
He said, "I'm pretty sure that's a bear. Or a string of trout."

I feel so bad about Barbaro. And yeah, I know he's "just" a horse to some, but I've been following the stories about him since his accident. He was doing really well until last week when he began running into more complications in his healing process, and now he has contracted laminitis in his left hind leg. The vet reported that it was "as bad as it gets" when talking about the disease. But trainers said his ears are up and his eyes are bright and he was eating well. How difficult it must be to contemplate possibly having to destroy a champion animal that has a healthy spirit but unhealthy body. Makes me sad thinking about it.

ugh squared

I had to work two nights of overtime, ergo I'm a bit crappy and sleep deprived, and it's like 99 kinds of HUMID, so Today is Grouch Day.

Not unlike Punxsy Phil, I'm going to crawl into a dark hole and spend the rest of the day muttering to myself.

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

suddenly i see why the hell it means so much to me

I'm really liking KT Tunstall's music. While she released "Black Horse and Cherry Tree,"
I especially like the song, "Suddenly I See." I was trying to figure out whether
or not she was country, but I can't really tell what category she falls into.

I love that Fresh Step cat litter commercial where it shows the cat typing "where is my litterbox?" into a search engine.
LOL...too funny.

I read this sad story in the LA Times about a 4 year old boy who accidentally shot his father in the back.
The father, an off duty police officer, is in critical condition and was shot from behind while driving.
Of all the dangers law enforcement officers face out on the road, who would think the most
dangerous would be because of his own failure to secure his service revolver? I wish the whole family well.

Even more conflicting statements from Kathy Griffin. Last night on her show, she was teaching a
show on comedy at the Learning Annex and was asked about her finances. She said she doesn't buy into
these celebs who believe they're "artists" and allow others to handle their money.
She said handling finances is very much a part of the job, that she's "very frugal"
and "gives good financial advice." And yet her husband stole from her over a year and a half and she didn't know??? From what she told Larry King, she wasn't even the one to discover the "theft." She said her bank notified her accountant or vice versa. In lieu of all that, she might want to rethink those "I give good financial advice" statements.

Male Offspring #6 and I have settled on a class to
attend together. It's called "Flashback to the 80's," or as I refer to them, "The Wonder Years," as in it's a wonder I survived them.
Male Offspring #6 begged me to go with him, and I was like, "Hey, why not? It should be interesting." Especially since I don't
remember anything of that decade except how to birth babies and how to mix a refreshing Vodka/Valium chaser.

I don't usually talk about Mr. G's raging jealousy, but I think it's time I did.
I use the backview of a motorcycle cop bending over as my wallpaper because I feel it sums up all that is good and wholesome about my love for cops.
Mr. G saw my laptop and said, "Why are you using that picture as wallpaper?"
(Note the raging jealousy that comes off as "why is my wife a wacko?"
in that question. Clever, huh? Put it all back on me.)
I said, "Because I like his pants."
He said, "His pants or what's in his pants?"
(He's totally seething now. Can you sense that? Even his disbelieving snort is a dead giveaway. He wants to tear this guy a new one.)
I said, "Honey, calm down. It's just wallpaper. It doesn't mean a thing!"
And he said, "Whatever you say. I came in here to find the sports section of the newspaper. Have you seen it?"
(The man can barely control his possessiveness.)
See? This is the sort of crazed nut you become when you live with a Goddess...

we were too damn poor to buy the 8 tracks

Well this is certainly an interesting fight being played out. The Sugar Association, which consists of
sugar cane and sugar beet farmers, is attacking the folks at Splenda for saying it's product is "made from sugar," which is an outright lie.
Never thought I'd be on the sugar industry's side for ANYTHING, but this needed to be said. I'm sick of those Splenda commercials that
depict a wonderful fantasy life with a Splenda "snow" covering everything. The ad agency they hired did an excellent job, but I hate seeing the consumers duped into thinking this garbage is healthy when that has never been proven. It's just as artificial as saccharine and Equal before it.

I watched Kathy Griffin on Larry King Live last night. Once again another riveting interview by Larry.
Kathy said that over a period of a YEAR and A HALF, her husband systematically stole $72k from her.
If you've ever seen Kathy's show, one thing comes across quite clearly--the woman watches EVERY DIME.
So I guess that's why I'm having such a hard time believing that this happened. Her ex had no comment.
I mean, I'm guessing she has no reason to lie,
but the whole situation is strange, and I don't think we're getting the full story.
Oddly enough they didn't take calls on the show. I'm thinking it must have been taped because last week
they were saying what Kathy told Larry even the show didn't air till last night.
I did enjoy the part where Kathy talked about all the shows she's been banned from.

RENO 911 was so so last night. I did love the "Good Cop/Black Cop" bit and the part where Dangle said he thought Trudy was "faking" her pregnancy. He thought maybe she had a pillow underneath her shirt, and he said if he was certain she really was faking it, he'd punch in the stomach as hard as he could. Sick humor, but incredibly funny within the context of the show.

Monday, July 10, 2006

safety first, gurls!

The strangest thing happened to me at lunch today.
I was sitting at an outdoor cafe having lunch by myself
and two men came and sat down at my table. I gave them a withering stare,
but they just casually stayed at my table and wouldn't leave me alone.
I told that I was in a very healthy and happy relationship and that I
was not interested in them.
Finally they got the message and left, but thankfully the
whole encounter was captured on the Cafe's camera. I'm sending you their picture as
a warning, in case they try and pick you up, too, you'll recognize them.
Who do these jokers think they are? God's gift to women?

and i return as chained and bound to you

I know Bugs loves to rag on Sandra Lee, but my FAVORITE "hostess with the mostess" will always be Martha Stewart. I loved the kind of shows like she had today where she drags on her relatives to "homey" up the show and make it appear like they get along. You just know they'd rather be anywhere else on the planet, especially the young kids. They're probably thinking, "This bitch doesn't pay attention to me the other 360 some days out of the year, why today?!" My all time favorite Martha shows are the ones in which she appears with her mother. BWAHAHAHA. It's plain to see that Martha and her mother are too much alike to get along. You can tell even their smallest of comments grate on each other's nerves, and in lieu of showing any actual emotion, they both just grit their teeth and grimace, aka their way of smiling.

I knew as soon as he got home this afternoon Mr. G would be asking me what the neighbor is smoking.
A few weeks back she painted her mailbox bright red and put RED GLITTER all over it. NOW today--no lie--she
has a brand spanking new mailbox. It's painted gold and she slapped several gold
peel 'n stick bows on it, the kind you put on birthday presents. I'd take a pic of it and put it on my site, but really,
how many of those mailboxes do you think there are in Pennsylvania?

One of the neighbor kids and I are attending our first Cookies From Around the World class today.
Yes, I had to coax a neighbor to go with me because my own offspring refused.
Luckily, even at the tender age of 6, it's apparent she's a carb addict, too. Hágale habla Inglése? We'll be eating our way through Spain!

The medical community really scares me. I was reading an article today about babies and one woman was talking about how her SIX MONTH OLD BABY TAKES PRESCRIPTION ZANTAC every day. That is scary. Obviously the baby is having difficulties keeping it's food down, and more than likely it's due to allergies or sensitivities to something in it's formula or even something physical rather than acid reflux.
It's mind boggling to believe that a child that age would even HAVE acid reflux.
But again, instead of getting to the root of what's causing the acid reflux, the doctor passes out a damn script.
My chiropractor was telling me that he adjusted a baby not that long ago because while the baby could swallow it's food, it kept throwing it back up. Luckily, the child had a GOOD pediatrician and he recommended she take the baby to the chiropractor. The baby's neck was out of alignment and once it was adjusted, she hasn't had any problems throwing up her food! Amazing how the body works and how it works much better WITHOUT prescription drugs and their sometimes debilitating side effects.

Sunday, July 09, 2006

nothing i do is good enough for you

New Reno 911 ep tonight on Comedy Central!!

The offspring are BEGGING me to take them to Columbus, Nebraska where organizers are building
what they hope to be the largest corn maze in the world, which opens in September. It's being cut in a 19 acre field
and if walked correctly, will take 15 minutes to travel. There are more than three miles of twists and turns to be made, so walked INcorrectly and you've got a couple hours of time tied up easily.
Ya know, this might not be such a bad idea for a vacation spot. If you lose a few
kids at the mall, the police are all over your ass calling you a "negligent mom", but you lose
a few offspring in a big ole corn maze and suddenly it's Columbus, Nebraska's fault.

While I'm on the subject of loving offspring, I spent a good bit of the weekend answering adoption notices in the paper.
(No, not for myself. I gave up on that dream....last year.)
People who place these ads tick me off. Sure, they
SAY they want to adopt, but when you send them pics and bios of some of
your offspring, nobody bites. I did the hard part. I lugged these kids around for 9 months--without putting them down ONCE, I might add, then I spurted them out. All I need now is for someone to raise them and put them through college. Not that there's much likelihood their IQ's will be high enough for college, but you never know. Male Offspring #8's daddy actually graduated from the 9th grade, so there's hope for him.

Kathy Griffin's Larry King interview has been rescheduled for Monday night, barring natural catastrophes.

Friday, July 07, 2006

got enough guilt to start my own religion

When I emailed Female Offspring #1 and showed her all the delicious--I mean INTERESTING
courses I wanted to take with her siblings, she
emailed back, "Is there a followup course called "How to Manage Diabetes at Age 10"?

Oh ewwww. I can't even IMAGINE how much this would have hurt. Not for the squeamish....

The offspring sent me a link to this quiz, and said if I got half of them right, they'd drop all this science and math class nonsense.
Well, well, well. Just so happens Mama got 10% of the questions correct. HA! I showed them. 10% is way more than half.
No stupid math or science classes for me. Look out cookies, here we come!

Well, damn. Now Bugs tells me that Kathy probably won't be walking the Red Carpet because "The only reality show
award that awarded live is the one for Competitive Reality, The Amazing Race, Survivor, etc." Well, that just blows.

The offspring and I are still going rounds about these summer college classes. Get this--they suggested SCIENCE CLASSES.
"The Science of Clouds" to be exact. Yeah, I need science classes like I need another vagina.
Besides, we all know how I *hate* science...and geography...and history...and math.
Damn. That Cookies From Around the World class is sounding better and better all the time.
This is the list of classes *I* want to take, and YES, these are all legit classes, I *SWEAR*:
1. The Cookie From Around the World one--it's yum-a-licious
2. "Chew On This"--we'll learn the history of chewing gum and taste test different brands
3. "Sweet Treats"--we'll learn to make a mouth watering chocolate pretzel "to die for," and trust
me when I say I'm more than willing to give up my life for anything chocolate at this point in time.
4. "Willy Wonka and The History of Chocolate" --fairly self explanatory and we'll learn to make "chocolate putty."
It can be "chocolate glue" for all I care, and I'll *still* guzzle it down.
5. "Charlotte's Web" where we'll learn to make a paper mache piggy bank.
Charlotte was one of my favorite books when I was just a little goddess.
Besides, I'm hoping they'll toss in a good baked ham recipe...
I like to consider myself a well rounded individual and
I was more than a tad disappointed there were no classes dedicated to peanut butter this year.
Now *this* is the Offspring's BOGUS list of choices:
1. "The Science of Clouds" --we'll learn about cloud formations.
Hey, if it's raining, it's cloudy, that's all I need to know.
2. "Oceanography"--we'll learn about underwater life and we'll compare water animals to land animals.
If they're wet 24/7, there's a fairly good chance they're water animals. End of discussion.
3. "Oobleck Matters"--I don't know who the hell Oobleck is or why it matters, but we'd be
learning the "three states of matter". I believe they are as follows: it does matter, it doesn't matter, and who gives a fuck if it matters?
How close am I, scientists?
4. "Let's Take A Hike"--unless we're hiking over to the Cookies From Around the World class, I think *NOT*
5. "Rocketry" where we'd learn to design and build gas pressured and water pressured rockets.
Oh, right. Like these kids need to know how to make *another* type of weapon to use against each other.

Bugs clued me in to the fact that Kathy Griffin's "Life on the D List" has been nominated for an emmy, so I checked out her competition.
This is it: Reality Program: "Antiques Roadshow," PBS--not much excitement going on there.
If Kathy loses to this show, she'll be on the D List FOREVER.
"The Dog Whisperer," National Geographic Channel--Damn him! Damn him to Hell!!! He might take her down.
"Extreme Makeover: Home Edition," ABC-- I *hate* these sorts of shows (sorry, Bugs) but I think this will be Kathy's greatest competitor.
"Penn & Teller: Bull----," Showtime---they're boring at best.
What cool irony: Kathy will be walking the Red Carpet that she wasn't even allowed to host the pre-show from!!!
It would absolutely kick ass if she won.
Also, I think her show is really funny. It's the best reality show I've watched to date, but
I will admit that by the time it's winding down for the year, I'm always glad to see it end.
Kathy talking about Kathy thinking about Kathy kvetching about Kathy faux dramatizing about Kathy tends to
get to me after awhile. Her show
is kinda like watching my blog come to life....only it's about her and she has money and a life, and I don't.
But I love her comedy stuff.

crawling into bed with me

I was over on the Bravo website watching some of Kathy Griffin's vids and in one of them
she was buying Ryan Seachrest a gift cert for a mani-pedi. The Asian woman who was filling out
the gift cert info said, "Ryan Seachrest? Is that Miss or Mrs.?" and Kathy said, "Miss will be fine."

Ok, what I'm about to say might sound biased or bigoted or prejudiced--I'll have to get South to send me an explanation
of that whole controversy again--but WHATEVER. Yesterday morning I sat down to watch a show with Male Offspring #7 called "Hi-5."
First of all, may I just say it was annoying? Secondly, they had an Asian female on the show and here's the thing:
I couldn't tell if she was a child, teen or grown woman!
All the people on those kid's shows talk in those goofy, kiddish voices, so it's sometimes difficult to know their age.
[Unless they're in their 30's and still on Beverly Hills 90210, that is...]
Case in point, I nearly fell off my chair when Bugs told me Steve, the used to be Blues Clues dude was an adult.
Plus, because so many Asian women are small, it's hard to tell their
age until they get in their 60's! So, if anybody knows, clue me in, will ya?

I haven't heard this much unbelievable bullshit since Michael Jackson tried to convince us he slept with Lisa Marie.
First the dairy industry said drinking milk would give you "strong bones," and yet, there are more and more cases of osteoporosis in the United States. Then they tried to convince us that "drinking milk helps you lose weight" . NOW they're saying that drinking milk will help prevent type 2 diabetes! Now here's the funny thing about the study: the dairy industry is saying that COMPARED TO SODA DRINKERS, milk drinkers have less incidences of type 2 diabetes. Wow. Why not just compare milk drinkers to whiskey drinkers and tell us milk helps keep our liver healthy? Let's compare milk drinkers to people who ONLY drink water and see who comes out on top. The sad thing is that people are going to take the dairy industry comments at face value as so many of them have when it comes to the whole milk/calcium issue, much to the consumers regret.

Ya know the show that looks incredibly funny to me? It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia. Has anybody seen it?
I have to work a couple nights next week and I hope it's on. I'd love to watch it and see if it's as funny as it seems.

Damn it. I finally get to see Kathy Griffin's new season of Life on the D List and didn't
I miss the first 15 minutes of the episode with the police chief! Ok, now Bugs mentioned this to me and
now I've been reading about it on the internet, too, about how Kathy is going on Larry King Live to talk about how she caught her ex-husband Matt stealing from her. ALLEGEDLY she caught him on camera going through her purse. I'm not buying that at all. Who the hell carries $72 grand in their purse, which is the amount they keep mentioning? Besides, IF he was a thief, why would they still be living together?
Another thing that didn't make sense was that in the article it said Kathy "told" Larry--past tense--yet her show was pre-empted the other night.
So how could she have told him when the show is supposedly live?
I have to say though that I think she's fighting a losing battle in trying to keep her marriage together.
Matt looks bored out of his mind and now he's doing HER HAIR! Give me a break. Why can't she do her own damn hair?
Surely the man has more talents than that? A few years from now how happy is he going to be
that his "job" was waiting on his wife hand and foot while she works on furthers HER career?
Sadly, I see hardly any physical affection between them this season and they seem more like "buddies" than spouses.

You know who really pisses me off? That damn Dog Whisperer. He makes everything
look so friggin' simple. "You want the dog to listen, you tell him to listen." "You want the dog to follow,
so you be Pack Leader." Pack Leader, Schmack Leader. And then in big print you see this disclaimer, "do not attempt these techniques
without consulting a professional first." DUH. It showed him going in to put a leash on a vicious dog the other day,
and one minute later they both come out smiling. Ahh, the miracle of video tape. It gives 'em time to clean up the cuts.

Wow. The "Strangers With Candy" movie has FINALLY been released.