Tuesday, June 20, 2006

there are certain people you just keep going back to

I'll bet those do gooder Duggar's don't have the problems dealing with THEIR 16 offspring that I do with mine. This morning, for instance, I sent Male Offspring #6 to the store to get me a newspaper because I might have forgotten to pay my bill for the last six weeks. Normally I just steal the neighbor's paper out of their box, but for sumdumb reason, he was up before the crack of dawn standing by his paper box. Male Offspring #6 came back with an armload of papers. I said, "Where did you get all those papers?"
Male Offspring #6: "Out of the machine! You put 50 cents in, but you can take as many papers as you want!"
Me: "You're only supposed to TAKE what you PAID FOR! You STOLE all those other papers."
While he looked suitably shamed, I continued, "Worse yet, you didn't even sell them and make a profit!
Now get your ass back outside, Mister, and start selling! And don't come back until you have enough to buy me a carton of Marlboros!"

I can't believe I screwed up and forgot to tell Bugs the most important thing of all about talking to the Tech Support Monkeys: how not to embarrass yourself like I did.
When I called Gateway because my computer wouldn't connect in the mornng, TSM said, "When did this problem start?"
Me: "My computer was working fine before I went to bed last night."
TSM: "Ok, let's go back. What was the last thing you did last night?"
Me: "Masturbated to some of my Hott Cops' pics. Although I prefer to call it 'jilling off'."
DEAD SILENCE. And then,
Me: "Oh, uh, I'm guessing you were talking about the last thing I did on the computer, huh? Wow.
Is this as awkward for you as it is for me? I'm guessing not."

I am so glad nobody ever finds the little notes I leave for myself concerning my post. Ideas come to me at the dumbest times,
many times right when I'm ready to crawl into bed, so I scribble a couple words down to jog my memory later. Last night I wrote "Bugs --masturbate" and
when I saw that this I was pretty grateful that most people can't read my writing.

Aunt Flo finally pulled her clunker into my driveway yesterday.
Damn, she's been circling the block for almost a week! I hate when she does that.
It's like I've told many guys during sex, "If you're gonna cum, CUM ALREADY!!"
That's why they call me the "no pressure Goddess."

Alex certainly knows how to get me all riled up. He sent me an email yesterday when I was at work that
said, "Not work safe pic of a cop." He might as well just have written NAKED COP AHEAD, GODDESS!!
Luckily for me, the NWS rules don't usually apply since I'm on my own computer and am usually alone when I check stuff.
And sadly, the dude was gay. Sigh. Yes, it shows.

Ok, what in the world gives with that new Coppertone commercial? Remember when Jodie Foster used to be the Coppertone kid? Well, now
they have a cartoon blonde girl with pig tails and bathing suit top. That's not such a good idea these days, even if the kid barely turns sideways.
A cartoon doggie pulls her bathing suit bottom down and HELLO? she's wearing bottoms underneath that!
Yeah, she's TOPLESS but wearing two pairs of bottoms? Makes a lot of sense.

My 67 year old female co-worker has a thing for Superman and Smallville. She is constantly talking about the show and now the upcoming movie. Yesterday she cornered me on the way out of work and started bitching about how mad she was that Lois Lane came onto Smallville now when Superman was still in high school. She rambled on and on about how he could have married his childhood sweetheart whateverthehellhernameis. It was about as interesting to me as watching 24 hours of C Span. Oh and she was also ticked that they've killed Superman's father off on Smallville already. She felt like--get this--since his parents had raised him all these years, they could have shared in his superpowers and gone to the Garden of Tranquility or something equally dumb sounding place as that. Anyway, the other day she was ranting on about Lois and how she hated her and how he never would have needed to meet her at all. I'm thinking, "it's a frigging comic book character. WHO. CARES." Not like she's Veronica from the Archie comic books. What a hottie she was, and I'm not even a lesbian. Yet. Ya know I told Mr. G if anything "happens" to him, I'm thinking about turning lesi.
He said, "You'd never last without cock."

I have finally mastered the fine art of wearing mirrored sunglasses. Suppose the hott cop--I mean "person"--is standing directly
across from you. The trick is to turn your head slightly to the right, while moving your eyes back to the left so you can stare with little
chance of getting caught. Do NOT, however, do what I was doing: putting my head down while bringing my eyes up. Damn.

Bugs' writes: "So the other night, I'm trying in vain to check my AOHell account on the laptop. I musta hit two things at once or something, because the damn screen froze. The mouse wouldn't move, and I hit the off button, but I couldn't even get it to turn off.

So, I finally get ahold of tech support (damn time differences *shakes fist*) explain what the problem is and what I've tried to do to fix it and the very first thing the drone says to me is, "Is your laptop still plugged in"? Yeah...it is. "Try unplugging your laptop". Dude, that won't work....the battery takes over....I tried that. "Did you try hitting the 'off' button?" Yes.....that DIDN'T WORK. I TOLD you that.

Then he says, "Did you hold the button in for at least 15 seconds?" D'OH. No, I didn't and of course all was well after that. I had another thing I wanted to ask him about, but after him droning on for awhile, I decided not to ask. I'd try it myself and if it didn't work I'd call back later.

Five hours later, as I'm trying to install software for my printer, I get a message to close all programs firewalls and blahblahblah. So, I call back. And who do I get? Mr. Drone. Again.

This time he tells me that he can't help me because the error message is coming from the company that made my printer. I told him I don't have an error message, I just don't know how to turn all this stuff off. He told me to call HP. I said thank you and hung up, called back and chose a different option from the computer lady menu.

The second guy walked me through it and coulnd;t have been nicer. THe first guy.....the mind...she boggles."

I wanted to cry as soon as I read the first line of your email because well, friends don't let friends use AOL.
BTW, this obviously isn't a Dell because you didn't complain that the drone spoke barely understandable English.
Welcome to the wonderful world of Tech Support Monkeys! It's trickier to be a Tech Support Monkey now because there used to be only TWO STEPS to "fixing" computer problems, now with system reset, there are THREE!!!
Memorize these three steps and you will know the entire Tech Support Monkey repertoire without having to go through those 15 arduous minutes of training:
1. Restart your computer
2. If Step #1 doesn't solve everything, reset your computer system back to a date when it was working properly.
(Remember, it's tricky because it's NEW!)
3. If Steps #1 & 2 don't solve everything, uninstall and reinstall Windows.
Viola! You are officially a Tech Support Monkey!

You know what I find extremely freaky? Besides seeing Britney Spear's fake eyelash come off during her interview with Matt Lauer.
Say someone you barely know includes you in a mass
emailing to everyone on their mailing list. That's not so bad, but then those people start mass responding to everyone
that was included in the original email. So now you have a mailbox full of emails from people you DON'T EVEN KNOW.
THEN they START ARGUING and you're included in all that nonsense. I just have to fight back the urge to email
all participating with a "take it outside, will ya?" sort of response.

Ooooo, good news, kids. The moon is "sliding into my sign" tomorrow and you know
what that means, don't you? It means I'm going to have to
chase down that fuggin' slow computer geek and threaten to go psycho on his ass if he doesn't soon install
my DAMN ETHERNET CARD that was being "overnighted" on FRIDAY.

They're selling the Toni Brattin sunless tanning mitt on Home Shitty Network and
son of a BITCH that chick is freaking bright ORANGE after she applied the "tanning" product.
If she thinks that's attractive, she's nuts!

Ok, there's this look the black guys are sporting lately that I absolutely HATE. I say black guys cuz I've never seen any white guys
wearing this look. If I find one, I'm gonna smack him upside the head. The "hat" usually comes in black or white. Well, I can't tell if they're
using a scarf or a hat, but they wrap it tightly around their head and let the long strands of the "scarf" hang down in the back. I'm not describing
this very well, but trust me the end product looks like they're wearing a huge condom on their head which is why I HATE it so much!!!

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