Thursday, June 01, 2006

check your paranoia

In honor of my upcoming vacation trip to Georgia, I shall be using
the Georgia font this month. In keeping with this spirit, please read the entire month's post using a Southern accent.
Thank you for your support.
Because I love you all so much, I would send each one of you a post card from Atlanta.....if I wasn't so fricking cheap.

NEVER, EVER agree to pick up a can of paint for anyone. C.P. asked me to pick up a can of beige paint for him at Lowe's.
I called him from the store and said, "Do you want Honey Beige, Candlelit Beige, Crisp Won Ton, Golden Mushroom, Spice Delight or Sand Trap?
Vanilla Honey Tan, Accolade, Cape Honey Flower or Peach Surprise, which sounds more like a dessert than a paint?"
He said, "I just want BEIGE."
I said, "Sorry, they don't carry that."


Bumper sticker that makes me shake my head every time I see it: "I Brake for Trains." Only an idiot wouldn't.
I'm gonna buy a "Honk if you love God" and a "Honk if you're an atheist" bumper sticker and put them side by side on my Rio...

I read this on the COPS website, regarding Saturday's upcoming episode, "Sgt Jason Synder and Detective Phil Mercurio attempt to stop two
males after noticing a bulge in the pants of one of the men." For some reason that just makes me laugh and laugh.
I mean, should they really be looking at other men's "bulges"?

It was one of those mornings where I had a bunch of stops to make but didn't have much to show for it when I got home three hours later.
I started out at the chiropractor's office then hit four stores, all in different areas. Most of my running was done up on "the Hill," an area
outside of the city that has the mall and lots of other stores. I remember one time we had company from out of town and when
I came home, the guy said, "Where have you been all day?" I said, "Up on the Hill."
Evidently he thought I'd been sitting up on a hill somewhere....

If some of those damn speed bumps in the one shopping center I went to today get any higher,
they're going to qualify as amusement park rides...

The ISP that I tried to use the other day called me today and told me they'd cancel my service the next due date, on July 3rd.
I said, "No, you'll cancel it right now. I can't connect to your service, and I'm not paying the one time fee OR for a month of service that I can't use."
What a bunch of shit. THEN she says, "Can I offer you two free months to stay?"
"Here's your sign!"
Yeah, just what I need two free months of an ISP I can't even connect to.
It did amaze me though that they offer their regular customers NOTHING,
but when you decide to leave, they want to treat you right all of a sudden.


I saw Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen's line of kid's clothing at WalMart.
Now you, too, can dress your small child to look like a rich bag lady.
Tips on how to starve yourself not included....
Speaking of WalMart, it absofrickingluely pisses me off when people literally follow you in their car to see if you
have a good parking space, and if you do, they WAIT while you load your car. When I see that I begin unpacking my cart as slowly as possible.
To all of you people who do this, I say, "So you might have to WALK. Is it the end of the world? If you can't scam Medicare and get a Hoveround,
WALK LIKE THE REST OF THE PO' PEOPLE!!"
These good parking space whores are the *EXACT* same people who will walk around in that damn store for HOURS.

I often wonder what goes through people's heads when they start a new business. There was a guy here who started a music
store--CD's blah blah--that had a drive up window. And he made a huge deal about how it was such a time saver. WTH?
How much of a hurry do you have to be in to see this as a plus? I mean, unless he's putting fries in the bag with my CD, I'll walk in and get it myself. If I was going to start a business, I'd start a drive up liquor/birth control store.
Think about it.
You drive up, get your box of wine and condoms, and you can bag that chick without ever leaving the truck.

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