Friday, June 30, 2006

the dawn is breaking

This story certainly warms the COCKles of my heart. Iowa Senator Charles Grassley has come up with a brilliant plan to tax pimps. This is how it will work, according to the Senator, "For example, if a trafficker has failed to file W-2s for five women (employees), the maximum penalty would be 10 years in prison per failure to file, a total of 50 years." Oooo, I can just see the pimps now, all sharpening up their Number 2 lead pencils to fill out those W-2 forms. Press hard, three copies! Yes, I'm sure a trafficker is really going to concern himself with UPHOLDING THE LAW!!
No word on whether or not Senator Grassley thinks we should prosecute the pimps for the REAL crime they commit--wearing those gawdawful velvet pimp outfits.

I was watching an episode of COPS from Albuquerque and there were three young kids, one of which tried to pass
off a fake $20 bill. As soon as they saw the police, the older two boys started bawling, while the younger one continued to
bluff his way through his story of just finding the money on the floor. Then he told the cop he found it "down the road."
Even when the boy's mother showed up and explained
that he found it last week and she told him then it was no good. Guess which one has a life of crime ahead of him?
Oh, and damn it, the cop was really hot but I forgot to notice his name.

Speaking of COPS, you know the best thing about working on the Fourth of July?
THE FX COPS 18 HOUR MARATHON!!! BTW, that's the *only* good thing about working the holiday for the fifth damn year in a row!!

Score one for the ad agencies. They totally suckered me in. I was watching the noon news and they showed a commercial featuring a man and what appears to be his small grandson. They're playing hide and seek. The grandson yells, "Ready or not here I come," and when he turns to look for Grandpa, Grandpa comes out from behind the tree and swoops his grandson up in his arms. I'm like, "Awww, that is really sweet." Then the announcer says, "Nothing hides odors like Depends." Gross. BUT we all know that old men smell like urine.......and old women smell like Vicks VapoRub and moth balls.

You know what commercial REALLY annoys me? The one for Kellogg's Raisin Bran Crunch, where the boss keeps trying to fire the one employee. Apparently all this employee does is eat cereal at his desk and yet he get promoted and a raise. Go freaking figure. I want to know why Johnson's boss doesn't have the brains to scribble, "YOUR ASS IS FIRED" on a poster board and slap it in front of the dude's face? Doesn't matter how loudly he's crunching then.

Oh, lordy, I'm reading that Gayle King might be the one to replace Star Jones. Ugh. I am so glad I don't watch that show.
If she did get the job, can you imagine how many times she'd drop the name "Oprah" into the conversation in the course of a day?

I was reading an article in the morning paper about some groups that are pressuring the government to make it mandatory that girls be vaccinated against the sexually transmitted virus that causes cervical cancer. The Advisory Committe on Immunization Practices wants the girls to get the shots around the ages of 11 and 12, but say it can be given as early as the age of 9. And while the company that made the vaccine, Merck & Co, say it can "dramatically reduce" cervical cancer deaths, they aren't telling us what sorts of other problems the vaccine can create that weren't there to begin with.
Your sexual health is your personal business, and I think you should have the final say as to what goes into your body, not the government.

i cant afford the ticket

So Brit posed in all her pregnant nakedness. Riddle me this, Batman. If pregnant women are soooo beautiful,
why are these mags so careful to air brush out all the stretch marks?

I was reading an article in the paper about a retired couple who own an ice cream store. They said "it's not about the
money", it's "about the smiles." And yet, they still charge the money.

When AtlanticBroad Band bought out my crappy dial up ISP, oddly enough it became even crappier. Coinkydink? Yes, I'm sure. Anywho, they originally offered customers high speed for $14.95 for a year and a half. Now they're offering a $50 gas card along with the high speed, BUT they raised the price to $16.95.
So basically, you're getting a whopping $14 out of the deal, which is about four gallons of gas. Wheeeeeeee!

After watching Larry King, I'm totally convinced Star Jones went for the sympathy vote when she blabbed on the air about being let go. She said that Barbara Walters told her that she could say whatever she wanted as to why she was leaving, and Barbara and the network would "back her up." Star felt there was no way she could "lie" to the viewers. Now I'm torn on this. On one hand, I think Star told to milk it for all it was worth, and she's using this "I cannot tell a lie" story to bolster that. On the other hand, why should she give Barbara Walters and ABC an easy out? They let her go and they should have to balls to admit that. I think Star tried to play this to her best advantage, but in doing so, she embarrassed Barbara and pissed her off. Big mistake. But Star's "I find this so disheartening"/pseudo-humility was more than a tad nerve-wracking to watch.
She said her husband was very supportive of her. Hell, I'd be supportive of anyone who was allowing me to live large while I did diddly, too.
Another ridiculous moment was when Larry read Barbara's statement about how they told Star that she was being let go because of her off air persona. Star's like, "When did that happen?" And again, "I find that so disheartening that they would say that." You mean to tell me they're going to sit down and tell Star her contract is not being renewed, and she isn't going to freaking ask WHY? Yet she acted like she had no clue people were turned off by her. Unless she's been living under a rock for the last several months, how could she NOT know how people felt about her?

I love this headline about Kirstie Alley on the front of People Mag: "With no chef or trainer, Kirstie Alley reshapes her body...blah blah." THEN she proclaims, "If *I* can do it, *anybody*." Sure, if *anybody* has the incentive by being paid millions and if *anybody* was given all the FREE FOOD they needed, then I'm sure *anybody* could do it. And since WHEN do you need a chef to help you prepare pre-packaged Jenny Craig foods?
No trainer? Awwwwww, it's really incredibly difficult to slap a tape in the VCR and exercise all by your little lonesome.

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

its coming down to nothing more than apathy

(4 p.m.) ***Color me HAPPY!***
We just got back from the drs. and Mr. G got a great report. Over a 3.5 month period, he's lost 20 pounds, which is excellent. He only has 25 more pounds to go and he'll be at his "wedding weight". His hemoglobin A1c test--measures blood sugar over a period of three months--dropped from 10.4 (TERRIBLE) to a more acceptable 7.1. It still needs to come down to the 4 or 5 point range. His blood pressure dropped 10 points without meds; he's now in the 140/90 range, and his cholesterol dropped also. His one cholesterol stayed the same, but the dr said that might be from him eating cheese. He said the usual causes were lots of red meat (hardly ever eat it), milk (don't drink it) and cheese--been snacking on it WAY MORE. There was a period of about five minutes when I was sitting in the waiting room where I totally panicked and worried that I had steered him down the wrong path. When he was at the drs. last, the dr said that if he couldn't bring the hemoglobin test down in this three month period, he would have to go on insulin and he gave him the drug Actos to try and force the pancreas to work harder. We discussed it and he was afraid of the side effects--congestive heart failure EVEN IF you showed no previous signs of heart problems--so we decided to eliminate all the crap from our diets and work with the natural supplements. If was his final decision, but with it was the feeling that I had influenced him in this direction. There was always that thought at the back of my mind that he had pushed his body too far and no matter what we did with his diet, it wasn't going to work, so hearing this news today was fantastic!!
Thanks to everybody who emailed me good thoughts!

Bugs informs me that Star Jones will be on Larry King Live tonight. If you can stomach his idiotic style of interviewing, it might make for an interesting show. I'm curious to see if she shoots herself in the foot. More than she already has, that is.

What a bunch of shit this is. "In the preamble of the FDA's new "Final Rule" to take effect on June 30, the agency asserts that FDA approval of prescription drugs -- and their implied safety -- may no longer be second-guessed by consumers or organizations of any kind. The FDA's stamp of approval, the agency claims, is an absolute declaration of safety of all such drugs, for any use whatsoever, including off-label use (the use of drugs on health conditions that were never tested in clinical trials)." As if that isn't ridiculous enough, here's the worst part, "The "Final Rule" that consumers can no longer sue drug companies for the harm caused by any FDA-approved drug, even if the drug's manufacturer intentionally misled the FDA by hiding or fabricating clinical trial data." Oh yeah the FDA is really on OUR side, isn't it? If the pharamaceutical companies can pimp whatever drugs they want without any legal recourse, God help us all. Those greedy bastards will become even more ruthless and sloppy than they already are.

(12 a.m.) Ok, keep your fingers crossed because today is the day Mr. G goes for his check up. His last set of bloodwork
was gawd awful--his hemaglobin test should have been about a 4 or 5 and it was 10.4--
but we've watched REALLY WELL these last three months. The doctor told him it would take at least three months to get the
build-up of sugar out of his system, but since we've been taking this Glucotor 2, we both feel a HUGE difference.
We tried Diabeticine to begin with, but I didn't notice much of a difference. We've been taking Glucotor 2 for almost a month.
I wish we had been taking this all along.
With Diabeticine, you had
to wait an hour before you ate, but with Glucotor 2, they tell you NOT to wait longer than 10 minutes.
Soooo keep a good thought, please, because his appointment is at 11.

When Manuel, my lawnboy, was mowing the grass yesterday, he hit a clump of SOMETHING and all of a sudden
my eyes started watering and my nose and throat got itchy.
He is SO not worth the $2 an hour and all the corn fritters he can eat that I pay him!!
I immediately took several Ester C tabs and I'm feeling better now, but damn.
I'm not usually one to deal with any sort of weed allergies--food allergies/sensitivities, YES--so that felt pretty miserable.

While Manuel was doing all of the yard work, I spent a good bit of time perusing books on decks to pick out "my dream deck."
You know you're po' when you have to dream about having a damn deck. My dream deck isn't huge and it has lattice sides
because....Goddess likes her privacy!! It's rectangular in shape and would put the neighbor's decks to shame!
Especially Lurlene's. I don't care if she DOES have a microwave, frig, washer/dryer combo and a tv on her deck. Damn show off. It would be fabu to have one though, because I've always fantasized about going out on my deck and
writing the Great American Novel. Or watching porn DVD's while I update my Hott Cops' site, whichever comes first.

Speaking of porn, I started watching the DVD's Richard sent me yesterday. Dang. I go through periods of years where I
don't watch, now I've been watching it more, and well, it works me up TREMENDOUSLY.
I guess it's just that time of month--the first through the 30th...LOL;)

lets get it on

I don't think this should really come as much of a surprise, but Star Jones has left The View.
ABC "decided against renewing her contract."
I knew as soon as Barbara Walters hired Rosie O'Donnell, there was no way Jones would be staying.
Those two would be oil and water.
I guess Walters' was upset by Jones making the announcement on the show yesterday without any warning, so she got
the old heave ho pronto, instead of them waiting till the fall.
In an interview, Barbara Walters said people were turned off by Jones' glitzy wedding and her dramatic weight loss.
I don't think that's true. I think people were turned off by her arrogant and haughty demeanor.
She always acted as if she was entitled simply by virture of the fact that she was "STAR Jones," but more so in recent years.
Let's face it, I've still never forgiven her for being so damn condescending to Debbie Matenopoulos before she got the boot. Maybe now Star knows how it feels.
I will admit Star's looking much PRETTIER now. I don't know whether it's because she lost weight so quickly, but UGH for awhile her face
was gaunt and didn't match her body. Now it seems to have evened out more, I guess because she's not losing weight as rapidly and she looks much better.
MSN has a video of her from yesterday's show, and she looks very pretty in it.

Wooo hooo! A big THANKS to Richard for sending me some fresh porn. Mmmmm mmmmm good! I can feel the multiple orgasms already.
There was even one of South's vids in this shipment that I had never seen. I have to admit though. It's rather difficult to watch him anymore.
It's like watching your brother have sex, BUT I slog my way through it all in the name of .....well, perversion.

I was reading an article on MSN that dealt with preparing your pet for a new baby. It seems like so much work.
This is how we prepared Holly when she came into the family. I said, "These are chew toys," and I showed her the rawhides.
Then I said, "These are NOT chew toys," and I flashed Female & Male Offspring #8 in her face.
Unfortunately, I forgot to do the same thing with the cats, but a few face slashings taught her they didn't make the best of chew toys either.

Ahhh the joys of seeing what I'll be like when I get older. I stopped at my parent's house yesterday afternoon
and my mother was baking muffins. She said, "I know I'm starting late, but I'm making them anyway."
I said, "Late? It's only 4:44! Unless you're going to bed at 6, I wouldn't classify that as 'late'."

I guess when people say that the Universe will keep hitting you over the head with the same situation in different
disguises until you finally learn the lesson and get it right, they ain't a kiddin'. I just got off the phone with a friend of mine
who had been married to an alcoholic for years. She would cry and cry about how horrible her life was with him.
How everything revolved around his alcoholism.
She finally worked up the nerve to divorce him a year ago. She called to tell me she had gotten married again.
Who did she marry? One of her ex-husband's best friends....FROM AA.
Now here's the thing that just stunned me. She told me that one month before they got married, he fell off the wagon, but he's "good now."
I would have thought that might have been a huge red flag, but I guess not.
Sometimes all ya can do is listen...and be extremely grateful for the life you have.

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

baby cant you see i wanna be famous

I'm never really sure if Holly is interested in kissing me so much as she is smelling my breath to see if I've had anything good to eat.
Speaking of Holly, this morning I was *trying* to do my TaeBo and she was in the living room with me.
When I was bending over doing toe touches during the warm up phase, Holly kept putting her body in under mine and was straining to lift my chin with hers.
I think she thought I was falling and she was helping me up. It was comical. Now if I could just get her to do my front kicks/squat combo....

Mr. G is starting to catch on to my cop weirdly-ness. I can't believe it's taken him so long.
He had to stop at the police station yesterday and he was talking to me about what went on,
and after he finished, I said, "So how old is this cop?" which was totally irrelevant to the conversation.
Mr. G: "Hmm, looked to be late 30's maybe."
Me: "What did he look like?"
He hesitated for only a second and said: "Well, let's see, he had hair, two ears, two legs and two eyes. You just want to know if he was good looking."
I'm like, "Well??? Was he??"
But alas he wasn't the least bit jealous.
A. He knows I'm all talk and
B. He knows he always scores the blowjobs from those crushes.

I was reading about "ethnically traded chocolate" yesterday afternoon.
That means the cacao is purchased from "small family owned farms in Nigeria that thrive in the forest, which in
turn provides natural preservation for the species that live there. This practice also ensures economic well being for the communities in
which the farms are located." Yes, I'm sure Snickers buys it's cacao from the same places.

I was listening to some of my Beatle's CDs yesterday. I love the Greatest Hits one from 1962-1966.
That CD has songs like, "Please Please Me," "Love Me Do," "I Wanna Hold Your Hand," and "From Me To You."
I think one of my all time favorite Beatles' song is That Boy.

Sunday, June 25, 2006

how to save a life

I *LOVE* bloglines! I put all my RSS feeds in it, click on it and it automatically tells me whether or not
any of my favorite reads have updated. No more endlessly checking during the day.

I'd like to blame it on the fact that this is Monday or that I've banged my head against the keyboard one too many times, but...
I was reading an article about a SWAT officer who was shot when an employee at a Safeway Distrbution Center in Denver
went ballistic, and starting shooting people. At first, I thought, "Huh. I wonder why a SWAT officer would be working at a Safeway Distribution Center?"
Then it dawned on me he WASN'T working there, he was shot when he responded to the call. Yet another "DUH!" moment in my life.

Mr. G and I were off the entire weekend together, a rare occurance anymore. Saturday afternoon I was still laying in
bed reading and he said, "You're not going to spend the whole weekend naked in be--never mind. I can't believe I even asked that question..."
Neither could I, quite frankly. Viva la naked Saturdays and Sundays!!

One of our neighbors moved to a town about 6 or 7 hours away from ours this past spring.
Yesterday his daughter sent us an invitation for a "surprise picnic" for his 80th birthday. Along with the
invite was directions to a nearby hotel where you could stay the night. Mr. G looked at it and started laughing.
I said, "What's so funny?"
He said, "Well, if we didn't even walk two yards over for his 70th birthday party, what do they think the
odds are that we're going to drive 6 hours and stay overnight for a 'picnic'?"

They had an ad on tv for a device that turns one of your car cupholders into a "handy storage area" for your cellphone, pens, paper and coins. I already have
one of those "handy storage areas." It's called the "passenger side floor of my Rio." You'd be amazed how much you can store there.
And it didn't cost me a damn dime extra.

Damn. Ya never realize how many criminals have barking dogs until you're watching COPS with YOUR dog.

It must be a guy thing. I've seen lots of taser vids where idio--I mean, people volunteer to be tasered to see what it feels like, and I have never ONCE seen a woman who is NOT a police officer volunteer. You never see a chick going, "Come on, taser me! I wanna know what it feels like! Pick me! Pick me!" Why? Because we have more smarts than to voluntarily ASK someone to inflict pain on us.
In the vid I watched this morning the guy was like, "how long do you want me to tase you?" and the idiot--I mean, guy who volunteered said, "how long can you tase me?"
ONLY A GUY would ask "how long can you" as if it were some sort of contest.
(And only a guy would say "that was cool" after it was all over when you just know he wanted to weep like a baby.)
The officer went on to say the longest was over 100 seconds but only because the guy was in his truck and they were only able to tase him in the upper arm.

out of the dark that fills your mind you finally find you and i collide

Holly is worse than a damn stalker. Everywhere I turn, SHE. IS. THERE.
Like a nasy infection you can't shake with heavy doses of anti bios.
Even when I'm in the bathroom she
pushes her way in and tries to sniff my panties.
I'm like, "Excuse me? Could I PUHLEEZE PEE IN PEACE?!!"
If I go into another room, I have to say "STAY!" like 5 times and to make it sound good, I add, "And I MEAN IT, Holly!!"
But if I'm gone longer than the allotted 20 seconds, she's picking up her bone,
and trudging down the hall after me. God forbid if I'm cleaning because when I clean I'm constantly moving from
one room to another. Saturday when I was cleaning the living room I must have tripped over her 20 times in the hallway.
Most of the time she just sat there, ball in her mouth, with that "puhleeze won't you play with me?" look on her face.
The problem with playing ball with Holly is that she never wants to let go of the ball. She'll let you have it once in a while but most
of the time I'm pulling and tugging and saying, "I can't throw it if you won't let go of it!" Frustration squared, trying to deal with
those sad cartoon eyes and make her happy.

I know I've been remiss in my updating duties but truth be told, I'm so excited about this DSL that I've been watching vids,
downloading stuff and going through my long lists of
"stuff to look at when I go back to work." Woooo hooo! No more of *that* bullshit.

Why is everybody making such a huge deal about New Yawkers being named politest people in the U.S.? That is POST 9/11, people. Of course, they're nice.
PRE 9/11, they'd tell you to go fuck yourself. Now they tell you to go fuck yourself PLEASE.

Congratulate me, people. I have crawled out of the internet ghetto and am now using DSL!!!! YAY!! In honor of that,
Mike South graciously let me pic two vids from his download thingy!!
Thanks again, btw. Nothing says "you've left the ghetto" like watching Felicia Fox's bukkake.

Bugs' writes: "Another reason to say "Fuck Jenny Craig".....the company was recently bought out by the Nestle Corp."
I saw that on the news yesterday. Talk about a conflict of interest...

Friday, June 23, 2006

you expect me to just let you hit it

The Senility Prayer: Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune
to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

One more reason to say "fuck Jenny Craig!":: Police in Omaha, Neb., report finding a man's pot stash hidden in a roll of stomach fat. Officers said they stopped the 5 foot 8 inch , 250-pound man because his car was blocking traffic. According to authorities, when an officer smelled marijuana in the car, he searched the man and found a baggie of the illegal weed. The secret ingredient in his maryjuana is love. And when I say love I mean lard.

I was bringing CP home from work yesterday and we were coming up a steep hill out of the city.
CP: "I was about to congratulate you for never wavering above the 25 mph speed limit
until I realized you were running the AC. You can't GO any faster can you?"
Me: "Nope. My foot has been to the floor the entire length of the hill."
CP: "Get a *real* car next time."

Despite the fact that someone could have been hurt, this story was just laughable. "One person was injured Wednesday morning in an officer-involved shooting in Sacramento's Curtis Park neighborhood, police said. The incident took place on Montgomery Way just after 4 a.m. when the driver of a green Kia attempted to hit officers with the vehicle, said Sgt. Terrell Marshall, spokesman for the Sacramento Police Department. Police opened fire on the car, hitting it several times.Officers attempted to effect a stop on that vehicle when that vehicle immediately made a U-turn in the roadway and came barreling at the officers," Marshall said. "The suspect intentionally rammed the officers' vehicle. Officers, fearing for their lives, fired upon the suspect vehicle.The man then got out of the Kia, Marshall said. Officers used a Taser gun to subdue him and he was taken to a local hospital for treatment."
I didn't need the press to tell me the dude was taken to the hospital, obviously he was mental. What IDIOT in their right mind would ram a police cruiser with A KIA????
When we hit that SUV going 15 mph our Kia folded faster than a house of cards and this twit is using his Kia as a battering ram?!
If there are any police reading this, and I sincerely doubt that, to end a chase involving a Kia, simply force the driver UPhill.
If it's a cold day, it'll be over in a matter of minutes. On a hot day, it'll be over in seconds.
And why must all Kias be GREEN? It's like the '88 Dodge Omni's. They were all either maroon or a light steel blue.

Last night was one of those nights when I wanted to get to bed early, but I decided I had neglected my "cop-ly" duty long enough and needed to watch last Saturday's COPS eps. While the tape was rewinding I got sucked into a Court TV show about girl who was missing and found murdered. A psychic offered clues about her killer and her whereabouts. THEN I got sucked into a show about Centre County, PA, DA Ray Gricar and three psychics offering clues as to his disappearance. He's been missing for over a year and I think he's been dead from the very beginning. IMHO, "tips" that he was seen with someone in different areas were just meant to throw the cops off of the trail until it went pretty doggone cold. At first, they felt he either killed himself or took off. If you were going to disappear, wouldn't you take your MONEY with you? I mean, seriously, I'm not going to hotfoot it off to Brazil and leave Mr. G *MY* millions. Ok, I'm not leaving him *MY* half of the $53. 82 in our savings account. I'll be taking it with me. That's a LOOOOOOT of diet Pepsi! Then when Gricar's laptop was found in a river sans hard drive...hello? Who didn't know he was dead at that point?
Anywho, the psychics say that it was drug related. That Gricar accidentally came across a name in another case and "people" felt he knew too much and had him killed.

If you don't live in PA you haven't seen this commercial, but I love it. It's put out by the Pa Dept of Health to warn young kids that they will be carded when they try to purchase cigarettes. This young kid walks into an (in)convenience store and asks for some cigarettes. Beside him is a young black girl gabbing on her cell phone. All of a sudden she stops talking and stares at something behind him. He turns around to see he's surrounded by rabbits. He says, "Hey, what's with the rab--" and the rabbits
drag him to the ground and you see the fur flying.
Then the voiceover dude says, "If you try to buy cigarettes, you might not get attacked by wild rabbits, but you will get carded." It's a hoot.

My yardboy Manuel was bitching yesterday that it was "too hot and humid" to cut the grass. I said, "Chop, chop! Get out there and
earn your $2 an hour or I'll make one of the offspring do it for $1 an hour!"
Hey, if I can ignore the immigration laws, I can ignore the child labor laws.

I was watching an old COPS ep and this one lady's pit bull attacked and killed another lady's dog. As the dog officer was dragging the pit bull
away, the owner said, "You were a bad boy." Yeah. That's putting it rather mildly.

Thursday, June 22, 2006

riding along in my automobile

WORDS OF WISDOM: Stephen Colbert to Bart Erhman, author
of "Misquoting Jesus": "You're an agnostic? Isn't that really just an atheist without balls?"

These are the kind of mornings I love. I came into work early and the roads were clear and fairly quiet.
The calm before the storm. Today starts the huge motorcycle rally in the city. UGH.
Yes, before long the city will be awash in a sea of tie die t shirts and harleys and long haired--dare I say it?--HIPPIES!!
And this year, we'll have a "Burn Out Pit, " something that shows high intelligence and motorcycle "driving" don't necessarily
go hand in hand. In a "burn out pit," the driver takes his bike to a contained, safe area then spins the wheels so hard and fast until all
the rubber burns off of his back tire. I have a better idea--why not just take the money it would cost to replace the tire and light it on fire instead? You just KNOW that whole "burn out pit" idea came from the mind of a guy...
But I put all of that stupidity out of my mind.
I had the AC cranked up and "Little Bit O'Soul" was playing so loudly, I couldn't hear myself think.
Luckily, driving doesn't require any thinking.
AND they opened up one of "MY" bridges!! I cross two bridges on the way to work and
NATURALLY the city decided they both needed worked on at the same time.
So I was quite happy to drive through the city on this my last day of work for the next seven days.

Once again congress has refused to raise the federal minimum wage ($5.15 an hour), which hasn't been raised since 1997.
Republicans say raising it is a "job killer." Yeah, try LIVING ON IT!!! Hey, when the members of Congress go almost ten years without a raise,
then I'll place some stock in what the fuggers have to say.

BTW, I want you to know that yesterday when I said I take the neighbor's paper, I *always* put it back because I AM NOT A THIEF!!
Of course, I cut out all the coupons, cutesy little articles and do the crossword/word jumble puzzles first.

One state senator in Massachusetts has vowed to make the Fluffernutter sandwich, the official state sandwich, and she vows to "fight to the death."
Apparently the marshmallow crap that goes into the sandwich is manufactured in her district.
Now if the twit could only put as much effort into SOMETHING THAT REALLY MATTERS!!!!

I read a letter in Dear Abby yesterday that bugged me. The woman was traveling with her small children and she concerned as to how she was going to keep them entertained on the long drive. Her very practical mother in law suggested she give the kids Benadryl to make them sleep during the drive. Of course, Abby called it
"child endangerment." Now I axe you, why is it perfectly ok to give your dogs tranquilizers, but not your offspring? We all know dogs listen better than children and yet,
you can't drug the kids. I personally find that a big swig of Jack Daniels helps calm the kids down on long drives, and I don't have to worry those nervous Nellie's saying I'm endangering my kids by giving them drugs.

Female Offspring #7 spent all of Wednesday evening trying to call Donovan Patton, aka her "daddy,"
aka the dude from Blue's Clues. Mr. G said that the next time I lie to the kids, I need to be more vague and not name names.
He's right. Where would I be without his crackerjack parenting skills? Mine are shot to shit.

Wednesday morning was one of those days where it was 5:55 and I was standing at the mirror with wet hair, no makeup and no shirt on. I leave for work at 6 on Wednesdays.
I was running in all different directions, accomplishing nothing and then I stopped to remember the truly important things in life: I didn't update my Hottcops Blog!!
I mean, how important is it to show up to work on time anyway?

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

there are certain people you just keep going back to

I'll bet those do gooder Duggar's don't have the problems dealing with THEIR 16 offspring that I do with mine. This morning, for instance, I sent Male Offspring #6 to the store to get me a newspaper because I might have forgotten to pay my bill for the last six weeks. Normally I just steal the neighbor's paper out of their box, but for sumdumb reason, he was up before the crack of dawn standing by his paper box. Male Offspring #6 came back with an armload of papers. I said, "Where did you get all those papers?"
Male Offspring #6: "Out of the machine! You put 50 cents in, but you can take as many papers as you want!"
Me: "You're only supposed to TAKE what you PAID FOR! You STOLE all those other papers."
While he looked suitably shamed, I continued, "Worse yet, you didn't even sell them and make a profit!
Now get your ass back outside, Mister, and start selling! And don't come back until you have enough to buy me a carton of Marlboros!"

I can't believe I screwed up and forgot to tell Bugs the most important thing of all about talking to the Tech Support Monkeys: how not to embarrass yourself like I did.
When I called Gateway because my computer wouldn't connect in the mornng, TSM said, "When did this problem start?"
Me: "My computer was working fine before I went to bed last night."
TSM: "Ok, let's go back. What was the last thing you did last night?"
Me: "Masturbated to some of my Hott Cops' pics. Although I prefer to call it 'jilling off'."
Me: "Oh, uh, I'm guessing you were talking about the last thing I did on the computer, huh? Wow.
Is this as awkward for you as it is for me? I'm guessing not."

I am so glad nobody ever finds the little notes I leave for myself concerning my post. Ideas come to me at the dumbest times,
many times right when I'm ready to crawl into bed, so I scribble a couple words down to jog my memory later. Last night I wrote "Bugs --masturbate" and
when I saw that this I was pretty grateful that most people can't read my writing.

Aunt Flo finally pulled her clunker into my driveway yesterday.
Damn, she's been circling the block for almost a week! I hate when she does that.
It's like I've told many guys during sex, "If you're gonna cum, CUM ALREADY!!"
That's why they call me the "no pressure Goddess."

Alex certainly knows how to get me all riled up. He sent me an email yesterday when I was at work that
said, "Not work safe pic of a cop." He might as well just have written NAKED COP AHEAD, GODDESS!!
Luckily for me, the NWS rules don't usually apply since I'm on my own computer and am usually alone when I check stuff.
And sadly, the dude was gay. Sigh. Yes, it shows.

Ok, what in the world gives with that new Coppertone commercial? Remember when Jodie Foster used to be the Coppertone kid? Well, now
they have a cartoon blonde girl with pig tails and bathing suit top. That's not such a good idea these days, even if the kid barely turns sideways.
A cartoon doggie pulls her bathing suit bottom down and HELLO? she's wearing bottoms underneath that!
Yeah, she's TOPLESS but wearing two pairs of bottoms? Makes a lot of sense.

My 67 year old female co-worker has a thing for Superman and Smallville. She is constantly talking about the show and now the upcoming movie. Yesterday she cornered me on the way out of work and started bitching about how mad she was that Lois Lane came onto Smallville now when Superman was still in high school. She rambled on and on about how he could have married his childhood sweetheart whateverthehellhernameis. It was about as interesting to me as watching 24 hours of C Span. Oh and she was also ticked that they've killed Superman's father off on Smallville already. She felt like--get this--since his parents had raised him all these years, they could have shared in his superpowers and gone to the Garden of Tranquility or something equally dumb sounding place as that. Anyway, the other day she was ranting on about Lois and how she hated her and how he never would have needed to meet her at all. I'm thinking, "it's a frigging comic book character. WHO. CARES." Not like she's Veronica from the Archie comic books. What a hottie she was, and I'm not even a lesbian. Yet. Ya know I told Mr. G if anything "happens" to him, I'm thinking about turning lesi.
He said, "You'd never last without cock."

I have finally mastered the fine art of wearing mirrored sunglasses. Suppose the hott cop--I mean "person"--is standing directly
across from you. The trick is to turn your head slightly to the right, while moving your eyes back to the left so you can stare with little
chance of getting caught. Do NOT, however, do what I was doing: putting my head down while bringing my eyes up. Damn.

Bugs' writes: "So the other night, I'm trying in vain to check my AOHell account on the laptop. I musta hit two things at once or something, because the damn screen froze. The mouse wouldn't move, and I hit the off button, but I couldn't even get it to turn off.

So, I finally get ahold of tech support (damn time differences *shakes fist*) explain what the problem is and what I've tried to do to fix it and the very first thing the drone says to me is, "Is your laptop still plugged in"? is. "Try unplugging your laptop". Dude, that won't work....the battery takes over....I tried that. "Did you try hitting the 'off' button?" Yes.....that DIDN'T WORK. I TOLD you that.

Then he says, "Did you hold the button in for at least 15 seconds?" D'OH. No, I didn't and of course all was well after that. I had another thing I wanted to ask him about, but after him droning on for awhile, I decided not to ask. I'd try it myself and if it didn't work I'd call back later.

Five hours later, as I'm trying to install software for my printer, I get a message to close all programs firewalls and blahblahblah. So, I call back. And who do I get? Mr. Drone. Again.

This time he tells me that he can't help me because the error message is coming from the company that made my printer. I told him I don't have an error message, I just don't know how to turn all this stuff off. He told me to call HP. I said thank you and hung up, called back and chose a different option from the computer lady menu.

The second guy walked me through it and coulnd;t have been nicer. THe first guy.....the mind...she boggles."

I wanted to cry as soon as I read the first line of your email because well, friends don't let friends use AOL.
BTW, this obviously isn't a Dell because you didn't complain that the drone spoke barely understandable English.
Welcome to the wonderful world of Tech Support Monkeys! It's trickier to be a Tech Support Monkey now because there used to be only TWO STEPS to "fixing" computer problems, now with system reset, there are THREE!!!
Memorize these three steps and you will know the entire Tech Support Monkey repertoire without having to go through those 15 arduous minutes of training:
1. Restart your computer
2. If Step #1 doesn't solve everything, reset your computer system back to a date when it was working properly.
(Remember, it's tricky because it's NEW!)
3. If Steps #1 & 2 don't solve everything, uninstall and reinstall Windows.
Viola! You are officially a Tech Support Monkey!

You know what I find extremely freaky? Besides seeing Britney Spear's fake eyelash come off during her interview with Matt Lauer.
Say someone you barely know includes you in a mass
emailing to everyone on their mailing list. That's not so bad, but then those people start mass responding to everyone
that was included in the original email. So now you have a mailbox full of emails from people you DON'T EVEN KNOW.
THEN they START ARGUING and you're included in all that nonsense. I just have to fight back the urge to email
all participating with a "take it outside, will ya?" sort of response.

Ooooo, good news, kids. The moon is "sliding into my sign" tomorrow and you know
what that means, don't you? It means I'm going to have to
chase down that fuggin' slow computer geek and threaten to go psycho on his ass if he doesn't soon install
my DAMN ETHERNET CARD that was being "overnighted" on FRIDAY.

They're selling the Toni Brattin sunless tanning mitt on Home Shitty Network and
son of a BITCH that chick is freaking bright ORANGE after she applied the "tanning" product.
If she thinks that's attractive, she's nuts!

Ok, there's this look the black guys are sporting lately that I absolutely HATE. I say black guys cuz I've never seen any white guys
wearing this look. If I find one, I'm gonna smack him upside the head. The "hat" usually comes in black or white. Well, I can't tell if they're
using a scarf or a hat, but they wrap it tightly around their head and let the long strands of the "scarf" hang down in the back. I'm not describing
this very well, but trust me the end product looks like they're wearing a huge condom on their head which is why I HATE it so much!!!

Monday, June 19, 2006

i'm trouble y'all

Schure. Drive around in a car with the word "Massengill" splashed across the windshield. Just GIVE people a legit reason to call you a big douche, why don't cha?

A couple weeks ago, I had a long conversation with the offspring about getting in shape.
Four of them come home with those oh, so sensitive "your child is a fattie fattie bo ba lattie" notes from the school nurse this spring.
I told them that I wanted them to do aerobic exercise and lift weights. I'm thinking if they
carry me to my Hoveround more often, that ought to cover the weight lifting.
Doing more of my housework while I LIE or LAY on the couch watching
tv and chainsmoking, would cover their cardiovascular/aerobic workout.
At first I didn't think my lecture made much of a difference. Lord only knows why.
I try to set a good example by telling them to do what I say, not what I do.
I was particularly thrilled when they came to me yesterday asking for jump ropes. Finally. They'd gotten the message.
I pictured their pudgy little faces red with exertion as they huffed, puffed and sweated their way to better health. God love 'em. I'd never do it.
But now that I'm looking out the back window and seeing three of my smaller offspring tied to the Oak tree,
I'm thinking maybe this wasn't about exercise after all.
However it IS amazingly quiet. Hmmm. Maybe *I* need to invest in more jump ropes and trees....

I stopped at a health fair the senior citizens center--shaddup--was sponsoring at the mall and they were handing out free gun locks!!!
Guns and senior citizens. Sounds like a great combo to me because you always want to
give loaded weapons to people who can't see or hear well...

South thinks I need a "bunch of these" t shirts.

16 to be exact. Not really. I'm hep to who fathered my offspring. Well, ok maybe there are a COUPLE of my baby daddies that I'm not 100% sure of, but I slapped 'em with child support anyway!
BTW, I know our kids are getting chubbier, but I love the way that shirt comes in sizes up to FIVE XL!
Damn, that is one big offspring.

I was watching Play Misty For Me yesterday afternoon.
Now that Evelyn Draper chick had a good, sensible head on her shoulders, didn't she?
As did that Alex Forrest chick in Fatal Attraction. And they're both much better role models than that idiot Barbie. Hell, that bitch can't even settle on one career...

Sunday, June 18, 2006

i never saw the signs

Ben Roethlisberger is going to be charged with driving without a proper motorcycle license and driving without a helmet because only licensed drivers
have the option of riding without a helmet. I can't help but wonder what in the world he was thinking driving without a motorcycle license? Especially when the issue of the helmet kept coming up time and time again?

I stopped in at the store on the way to work for an icy cold 32 oz bottle of POTTING SOIL and somebody
wrote "Give me liberty or give me a bath" on my dusty Rio. Hey, if bathing once a month is good enough for me, it's good enough for my crappy Korean car!!

Speaking of bathing, it's one of those days in Pennsylvania where you're sweating while you're taking a shower, which is why I skipped mine all together.
But I had the AC cranked up so high in the car, I have frostbite in my extremities. Last night was EXACTLY like sleeping in an
Easy Bake Oven, except the bedroom was much bigger, the "light bulb" much hotter and there was no delicious cake to eat while I sweated.

Ok, I confess. I did NOT call my dad yesterday. I called the day before to tell them I was working
and wouldn't be coming to the picnic, and I considered THAT my Father's Day call. I can't help it. Those calls are
just too damn excruciating to get through, every bit as bad as the birthday calls and I know he's going to pout for the next six weeks about it.
But to be fair, my father has NEVER ONCE called to wish me a happy birthday. Yaya, it's a lame excuse, but I don't care. It's all I got. I'm a hypocrite AND a bad daughter. Whooo hooo. It just keeps getting better!
Mr. G *did* get a telephone call from Female Offspring #1, along with the same gift I got for my birthday. The "I didn't know what to get you
so I didn't get you anything" gift. Lovely. The great thing is it comes in all sizes and is never the wrong color.

After I came home from work, we gathered around the stove in the front yard and had our annual Goddess Family Father's Day Pick-a-nic and Blood Letting.
15 of the offspring were present, as FO#1 refuses to leave Pittsburgh, The City of One Way Streets and Mucho Heroin,
on this lovely weekend and venture home for the event.
I don't know how she can miss it really. I mean, who doesn't like their food cooked outdoors and complete with fly eggs?
Warm potato salad, runny jello with chunks of Philly Cream Cheese and old pickled eggs? Mmmm. Mmmm. Good.
All of that washed down with lots and lots and lots of tequila
made for a memorable day. If I could only remember it.
Mr. G and one of my ex'es were present, since as I stated yesterday, the rest of my sperm donors are either in jail or rehab or both.
Remarkably, only one of the "children" threw a tantrum, crying and screaming about how life wasn't fair and nobody loved her.
But I eventually calmed down and rejoined all the fun festivities.
We had the Father/Daughter/Son potato sack race which is difficult when there are only two fathers, so we had more daughters and sons and sacks than we did dads.
Eventually the boys just spent their time trying to put the potato sacks over the girls heads until they screamed bloody murder. Good times. Good times.
We had the Father/Daughter/Son tug o'war, which is EXTREMELY difficult when you have three ends of rope, and then we had the glut of collect
phone calls from prison as each father called to hear those special, loving words from their children on Father's Day:
"Mommy said to tell you that if you don't send the child support payment on time, she's gonna kick your freakin' ASS!!"
Then, as it grew dark outside, we once again gathered round the stove--cuz when you're po' you can't afferd a campfire--and I told the
offspring "stories" about their father's, and what they were like when we were "dating," while we toasted marshmallows with cigarette lighters.
Of course I had to leave out words like "raging alcoholic," "drug addicted asswipe," "cheater"
and "chronic masturbator," but I managed to make up a bunch of stuff anyway. Unfortunately, now
Female Offspring #7 thinks her daddy is the Blue's Clue's dude. Don't ask.

Speaking of my special little guys and gals, I was re-reading some of my old journals and I came
across this entry from 2004: "I am absolutely convinced that Male Offspring #8 is going to grow up to
be my ticket out of the trailer court. I KNOW that boy is going to become a nuclear physicist or a rocket scientist.
I just hope to God we can break him of that habit of eating and drinking out of the dog's dish before then..."
Pfffft. Yet another big dream flushed down the toilet. Two years later and he's STILL eating out of the dog's dish, only now he uses a fork and spoon.

Question: why isn't there a "return to sender" option on email??? It would make my life much easier.

Proving there IS someone for everyone, a 104 year old Malaysian woman remarried for the 21st time and her new hubby is only 33.
(Because we all know 33 goes into 104 a hell of a lot more than 104 goes into dum ching.)
The attributes that attracted Muhamad Noor Che Musa to Wook Kundor? She was "childless, old and alone."
Wow. That oughta bring a lot of hope to single women over 40....

We need a new catch phrase for Father's Day. "Best Dad in the Whole Wide World" kinda loses it's meaning
when you see it repeated over 100 times on the Happy Ads page in the Sunday paper

The Lockhorns were funny this morning. Leroy said to Loretta, "Do I want to be
buried or cremated? I don't know, Loretta, why don't you just surprise me?"

come on baby let the good times roll

Yesterday while I was in the midst of trying to get my Dazzle to work, I received an email from Eric. At the time, I was pissed, upset and more than a tad frustrated about not being able to get my software to work properly. Anybody who uses a computer any amount of time knows how frustrating The Beast can be.
Eric said I had no right to criticize Mary Kay LeTourneau's husband for his improper use of English, because I then incorrectly used the words "lay" and "lie." I zipped off the email, "I don't give a shit. Was that the proper usage?" and then followed with "That was a rhetorical comment" because Eric has a slight tendency to argue long past the point where anyone cares about why he's right and I'm wrong. Of course he immediately answered back with the fact that he was calling me out as a hypocrite.
I wasn't happy with my angry response because it was immature and people have a right to their opinions. The anger of the moment fueled my response more than my true feelings.
So I'm going to post Eric's email and then I'm going to get a few things off of MY chest. This was his first email:
"3. Mattress model – lay down on the job and get paid for it."
I think there's another job that pays better for that. Btw, that 's LIE
down on the job – you're not in a good position to be criticizing
someone else's English (i.e., Mary Kay LeTourneau's husband)."
And this is his response to my email:
"You said maybe he'd have better English if he'd spent less time having
sex with his teacher and more time studying English. But lots of
teenagers have girlfriends and still manage to have good grades, so that
inference makes no sense. Besides, if you weren't sexing up your teacher
and STILL have bad English, that just means you have less excuse than he

I don't normally correct people's English, but count on me to call them
out on hypocrisy. And calling a question "rhetorical" won't buy you a
free ride, when there's actually an answer to be had."

Let me begin this by saying that I am not angry about Eric saying what he did. I was angry that
I couldn't get the damn software to work and his email arriving when it did, didn't help, as Eric is one of those people
who doesn't hesititate to tell me what I've written that is "wrong" in his mind. But it's really an exercise in futility on his part.
I already have a mother who fills that position quite nicely, thank you.

I write an enormous amount every week, and never really realize that until I'm searching through my stuff trying to find something, and I do it because I love to write. I try to find the funny side of serious things, and I'm sorry, but if you don't find it funny that someone who has been sexing up their teacher for years doesn't even speak English properly, well, perhaps that stick is just too far up your ass to matter. And of course, you didn't find it funny because you were too busy trying to find a mistake within my work, so you could be right once again.

Writing is the one thing I could do 24 hours a day and not get paid for it, which brings me to point one: you're not paying me to write this site, Eric. When you hand me a book contract, I'll worry about correct usage and phraseology. And the fact that you went through my stuff and ONLY came up with the incorrect usage of "lay" and "lie" is making me feel pretty damn good right about now. It's a beautiful day in Pennsylvania!
Second point, if you think you "don't normally correct people's English," think again. You're constantly correcting. Scroll up the page a tad where it says, "The opinions on this page are my own---get your own damn opinion!" because that pretty much sums up my feelings on the subject.
Did I misuse "lay" and "lie"? Probably. If that makes me a big ole hypocrite, so be it, then I'm a big ole hypocrite.
It's not the first time and I'm sure it won't be the last I misuse those terms.
And guess what? Sometimes I--GASP!!!--misuse "set" and "sit."
But I'm not alone. Check out pages 140-142 of the Instant English Handbook, Eric, and you'll find two pages on the subect of "lay" and "lie."

So you called me out as a hypocrite, and now I'm calling YOU out as a hypocrite, Eric, and let me tell you why. In all the time that you've been emailing me, you've never once enclosed the URL to YOUR site. Is that because, as I suspect, you don't have one? Or because you don't want anyone to comment on your thoughts? It's easy to stand by the side of the pool and make fun of the way everyone else is swimming, It's a lot harder to jump in and run the risk that someone might make fun of YOU.
It might not look like it to you or anyone else, but I spend an enormous amount of time on my site, trying to find different things to talk about and trying to keep it fresh.
I try to update every day and I try to make people laugh because that's what I enjoy, and I've been doing that on a fairly consistent rate for over five years now. Do I fail at times? Hell, yes, but *I'M* trying, Eric. So when you've written and posted as much as I have, there are bound to be times that I contradict myself or make mistakes, but like I said, at least I'M MAKING THE EFFORT. I'm not standing by the pool making fun of everyone else.
I believe it was Dr. Mike Murdock who said, "Never spend more time on a critic than you would on a friend," and that having been said, I'm finished here.

Father's Day is upon us.
Quiz Time: What does Goddess hate the most about Father's Day?
A. Having to work?
B. Having to miss the Goddess Family Picnic consisting of 16 offspring and 2 fathers because the 14 other fathers are still in maximum security prisons or rehab?
C. Having to make that painful "Happy Father's Day" call to her own father which always
lasts two excruciatingly looooooooooong seconds, and ends with "I'll put your mother on the phone"?
4. Having to abstain from that delicious Father's Day cake shaped like a necktie?
E. Having no personal claim to Father's Day because she doesn't have a huge schlong?
The answer is, of course, "C"..............and "E."
I want a huge schlong of my own, damn it!!!! And one that isn't made of latex!!!
I just think it would be so fun to play with it whenever I wanted AND I could pee without squatting. I could pee with
my pants on and not have to deal with the rapidly spreading wee wee stains.
Hmm, I wonder if I have penis envy or pee envy?

I purchased Dazzle, a digital video creator from Pinnacle and I gotta say, in the six years or so that I've been
using the computer, I have NEVER had a problem with installing software from a product CD....until now.
Dazzle comes with 2 cd's: the installation cd and a studio in studio cd. I have tried to install that
friggin' studio in studio four times and every time I do I get a "components transfer" error. GUH!!!!!
THEN I thought, "Ok, I'll hook Dazzle up to the VCR and see if I can transfer COPS to the computer and Windows kept fucking shutting it off.
It gave me a Data Protection Error and I made the necessary changes it said to make there, but it still kept shutting it off. Fuggit.
It's going back. The only thing that worked right on that was the friggin' UNinstall.
Now that I found a really EASY screen shot program, "Capture by George"--yes, Jenn, I FOUND ONE!!!---I don't know how to get
the vids to the computer. Eh. I'll probably have to buy them as DVD's.
I. OFFICIALLY. QUIT. so that I can now write the book, "How To Waste Four Hours of Your Saturday Trying To Get A Single ScreenShot."

Friday, June 16, 2006

the universe laughs at its joke on me

I ran up to the Dollar General this a.m. for "potting soil". YES! A bottle of Diet Pepsi, damn it. It's like 90 thousand degrees here today and I'm still friggin addicted! Anywho, there was a guy and girl standing at the card rack and she was pouring over each one saying things like, "Awww, isn't this sweet?" and "Oooh, I just love this one." The guy, of course, was wearing that glazed "what the HELL do women find so fascinating with CARDS?!" expression on his face. That "oh, man, what I wouldn't give for someone to have a car emergency and call me RIGHT. NOW." look. I felt for him, I really did. She'd move like two inches down the card rack and he'd crowd on top of her. Not so much for the intimacy, methinks. But to try to push her down the card aisle faster...

Stephen Colbert on big soft drinks: "I for one won't drink out of anything I can't drown in."

I heard a FABULOUS new song on the radio yesterday that I just love.
It's called "When Did You Fall In Love (With Me)" by Chris Rice.
I rarely ever print
entire song lyrics, but I loved this one so much I'm going to make an exception.
I especially love the first verse:

You're all smiles and silly conversations
As if this sunny day came just for you
You twist your hair, your smile and you turn your eyes away
Come on tell me what's right with you
Now it dawns on me probably everybody's talking
There's something here I'm supposed to realize
Your secret's out and the universe laughs at it's joke on me
I just caught it in your eyes
It's a beautiful surprise

When did you fall in love with me?
Was it out of the blue?
'Cause I swear I never knew it
When did you let your heart run free?
Have you been waiting long?
When did you fall in love with me?
When did you fall in love?

Make your way over here, sit down by this fool and let's rewind
Come on let's go back and replay all our scenes
Point out the hints, the clues, the twists and the smiles this time
All the ones that slipped by me
I bet my face is red and you can hear my heart pounding
Well I guess it don't matter now that I realize
'Cause baby I missed it then, but I can surely see you now
Right here before my eyes
You're my beautiful surprise

When did you fall in love with me?
Was it out of the blue?
'Cause I swear I never knew it
When did you let your heart run free?
Have you been waiting long?
When did you fall in love with me?
When did you fall in love?

Was it at the coffee shop?
Or was it that morning at the bus stop?
When you almost slipped and I caught your hand
Or the time we built the snowman?
The day at the beach, sandy and warm
Or the night with the scary thunderstorm?
I never saw the signs
And we've got to make up for lost time
And I can tell now by the way you're looking at me
I better finish this song so my lips will be free

Have you been waiting long?When did you fall in love?
I kept you waiting so long
When did you fall?
Have you been waiting long?
When did you fall in love with me?

When did you fall in love?

Was it at the coffee shop?
Or that morning at the bus stop?
I never saw the signs
No, no

'Cause I'm gonna fall
I'm gonna fall
I'm about to fall in love
And I need to know
When did you fall for me?

My lips will be free
My lips are free
My lips are free

Ok, now the reason that I really like this song is twofold. One, I think it's really unique and two, it is at
simple times like sitting in a coffee shop or building a snowman, that I look at my husband and think, "I really love this man.
I'm so lucky to have such a good man in my life." There ya go, as soon as I get dsl, I'm sooooo stealing this song!

I am soooo glad I'm off today. By the time the day was over yesterday, Overtime Hawg called me THREE TIMES asking about the boss and each time reiterating, "Now if she's not better by Monday you blah blah blah," and the last time she said it, she added, "I just don't want you to forget." In a voice that sounded like I'd O.D.ed on Splenda, I said, "How could I possibly forget? This is the third time you've told me this and today is only Friday."
Fug her! I'm sick of her trying to control what's going on at work when she's off.

Some goofball kept text messaging me yesterday on my cell phone. I tried telling him he had the wrong number
but instead of saying, "Ok I guess you would know if you know me," he kept trying to explain who he was.
He txt'ed me to begin with and asked me if I was ok. I txted back, "who r u" brief, yet to the point, I felt.
He wrote back, "tony." I said, "u have the wrong #." He writes back, "lol. this is susan's brother tony."
I txted back, "Um HELLO u have the WRONG #." Now most people would have figured out at this point that they had the wrong number,
but not Tony. He writes, "susan from work."
I replied, "WRONG NUMBER" thinking perhaps it was the "#" symbol that was confusing the lad.
A few minutes later he writes, "susan=the red head".
I wrote, "oooh susan give her a message for me ok."
He writes, "knew you'd remember whats the msg"
If being sarcastic is wrong, I don't wanna be right.

Thursday, June 15, 2006

they say i'm lazy but it takes all my time

I was reading up on the Justin Barber trial. They were showing the trial yesterday on Court TV, and I
had the channel on while I was exercising, so I was interested in what it was all about.
Now here's one really important piece of advice that I'd like to give the ladies: NEVER, EVER allow your husband to purchase a huge life insurance policy on you. Only let him purchase as much as it will take to bury you. BUT always make sure you take out a big policy on him. That's the way it is with Mr. G and I. I have so little life insurance, that I can honestly say I never worry that he might kill me in my sleep. Hell if he does, he'll go into debt burying me.
And that's if he buries me in the backyard next to all of our dead cats.

What's all this bullshit I'm seeing on the front of the Enquirer and Star saying that Angelina's brat belongs to someone else? Loyal rag readers, lemme know!
I was running late for work this a.m. and didn't have time to linger at the check out.

I know this is going to send a lot of my long time readers---all five of you---into an emotional "did I ever really know this woman"
sort of turmoil, but here goes. Guess what my favorite snack is? I'm like TOTALLY ADDICTED and keep a bowl of them
beside my computer and on my jigsaw puzzle work table all the time. Try not to freak: cherry tomatoes. Yes, something that's actually HEALTHY.
But not to worry because I'm sure they've been sprayed with a bunch of unhealthy chemicals and pesticides and are probably killing me faster than chocolate ever could.

I know my TracFone is ghetto, but damn. I turned on my phone this morning and found about 15 text messages some from the first week of this month!
And several of which I didn't even recognize. So ya know if ya text message people ya might want to add your name to the message.

I always have to laugh when guys say "you give good directions" like it's right up there with "you give good head."

I never realized one could study "three steps to DSL" for so many hours. BUT I think I have it. Let me go over it with ya. First I put the dsl filter phone thingies in all my phone jacks. I put the computer modem phone cord into the router and the other end into the phone jack thingy, and hook all my phones back up. Then I hook the desktop modem to the router and the router to the ethernet card. Then I plug the router into the wall. Then I run the installation CD in both computers and secure it by making it password protected and I *should* be in bidness. I keep going over it because only *I* can turn 3 easy steps into 15 oh, so complicated ones. It's like when I drive to Picksburgh to see Female Offspring #1, I go over and over the route in my head the night before. Makes for a lousy night's sleep. South was trying to go over the steps with me, too. Funny thing is when he went over them with me, every step sounded like, "Let that guy hook it up for you. Seriously, let him do it."

Always the entrepreneur. There was a woman cooking and selling fried chicken across the street from Mercy Hospital in Pittsburgh where
Ben Roethlisberger was recouperating. Smart woman. She knew the press were hanging out there 24/7. I'm sure some industrious soul
was selling commemorative t shirts too. "Ben Roethlisberger wrecked his motorcycle and went to the hospital. All I got was this lousy t shirt..."

Sigh. Why do things rarely turn out to be as yummy as they sound? Alex was talking about going to a TesFest and immediately I thought, "OMG!! A testicle festival! What a fantastic idea!" I instantly envisioned men walking around with their testicles hanging out while complete female strangers---much like myself--would casually "reach out and touch someone". Ok, now I'm getting all worked up. But what a FAB idea. So much better than one of those stupid motorcycle rallys our city is always having.

Ok, calling all you old tv fanatics. Do you remember the Andy Griffth show? Do you remember
Andy and Helen getting married, and having a baby cuz I sure as hell don't? My boss loves that show and she bought a book on the series and
they had an episode in which Andy and Helen get married and later have a baby. Mr G was like, "No way. I watched that series from beginning to end. Those have to be the "lost episodes." I know we watched it when I was little and I recall a lot of the eps when I see them now, but I never remember Andy and Helen marrying.

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

ever the same

GUH. I got my disc drive replaced and the computer dude said he would install my DSL for me while he was here. Only one slight problem: apparently when I took my modem into my ISP for them to update my drivers when I switched from cable back to dial up, they must have taken the ethernet card from my modem without telling me. I certainly didn't take it out because I don't even know what they look like! So now I have to buy one of those, which is going to set me back on the whole DSL thing again. It's like God doesn't want me to have DSL... Probably payback cuz of all the wi-fi I've stolen over the last few months. Sigh. But I have read over the DSL material and it SEEMS fairly simple, so hopefully once I get the card installed I can finally climb out OF THE GHETTO!!

I called computer geek this morning and asked about my disc drive.
He said, "It'll be here today."
I said, "I thought you were going to overnight it?"
He said, "I did. It'll be here today."
Longest "overnight" on record, people.

I went to this small herbal store this morning where I've been shopping at lately to pick up a few things. The owner was there, and I was not wild about her the first time I met her. Usually I go to the store in the evenings when the young kids are working because they don't try to pimp other services on me like she does. I'm the kind of person who goes in with a list and get the hell out of my way. I only shop because I have to, I'm not looking to spend the entire day there.
I had placed an order with her the week previous for five of a certain item. As I was leaving she mentioned that they only got shipments every other week, so I thought I'll pick up two extra while I'm there to tide me over when my order comes in. I did so when I picked up my order today, and she said, "You only ordered five and I'd like to ask you to only take five. If you take seven, then I won't have enough for the general public." What I am if not the "general public" is beyond me. I said, "Fine. I didn't realize you only had a small amount since you just got your shipment in today."
FIVE TIMES she asked me if I was ok with giving the two items back. What the hell difference did it make since she already told me she couldn't spare them?
THEN she said, "If I have any left before my next order comes in, I'll call you," and I said, "No, that's ok. I'll order fresh." Screw that.
I was telling Mr. G, who has worked in retail all his life, and the first thing he said was, "She's not a very smart business woman. You never turn away a sure sale for something that might be." The amazing thing is that I gave her $72 worth of business today and still she ran the risk of insulting a good customer.

Due to circumstances beyond my control, I AM NOT A HAPPY CAMPER!!!
I called computer repair geek first thing Monday and asked him how long it would take him to get a CD drive for my computer. He told me "overnighted" he could have it Tuesday, no later than Wednesday. Why an "overnight" package would take two nights is beyond me. Once the part was in, he'd come to the house to fix it. Ok, fine. Tuesday I received notice that my DSL service was ready to use. It's Wednesday afternoon and I still haven't heard from computer repair geek. If he isn't here to fix my damn computer by Thursday, I'm going to have to wait until NEXT FRIDAY when I'm off again to start my DSL service. Unless he works on Saturday and I'm highly doubting that. I'm off on Saturday, so if he would at least repair the CD drive on Thursday, I'd have time to mess with the DSL on Saturday. This afternoon my Dazzle Digital Video Creator arrived and I'm anxious to get started using that, but again, I have to wait until I have the DSL running.
Had I known it would REALLY take this long, I would have taken the tower up to the computer store on Monday and had them repair it then. I could have had it done in the same day. The only reason I didn't do that is I don't like them snooping through all of my business, and you know damn well they do. At least if the repair is done here at home with me standing over him, I know that none of my personal information has been compromised.

Zal posted this story on his LJ and it's too damn funny not to repeat, even if he did try to say it was me:
"A 28-year-old Cedar City, Utah woman has been cited for lewdness for exposing herself inside a store. The woman was riding a motorized cart inside Lin's Market Place on Thursday with her pants around her ankles and not wearing underwear.
Customers didn't notice the woman until she would stand up from the cart and bend over to look at items on the shelf, exposing her buttocks.
The woman told police she arrived in Cedar City with a circus but was left behind."
All I can say is she mustn't have been very attractive, cuz you can rest assured if she was,
no one would have turned her in...well, at least until after they got an eyeful.

Copluvr writes: I laughed my way through the Duggar piece. Good stuff.
Thanks for writing, T. I thought it was great, too. I think we should crown Bugs the "official Duggar correspondent".
First of all, she's got good insights, and secondly, I don't know anybody that doesn't have
the last name of Duggar who would willingly sit through that crap.

So did you see South got a way cool tat? I wanted to get a tat once. I told Mr. G I wanted
a small shower of stars--all different colors--off my left shoulder.
He said, "No. IMO, tattoos make women look cheap," and that was pretty much the end of that discussion.
But I'm so glad that Felicia was able to talk Mike out of his first idea--getting the face of every chick he ever screwed
tattooed on his body. Hell, he'd run out of body space before they ever reached the 1980's....

And I STILL haven't heard WORD ONE from computer geek about my "overnighted" CD drive...grrrrrrrr.

lying in water

As far as my hippie/Aunt Flo story yesterday, I have to laugh. The chicks thought it was funny because they can relate to what it's l
ike to get pissed over pretty much nothing, but the guys were mostly aghast.
If Aunt Flo showed up on their doorstep, they'd "get it".

I feel like I'm back in grade school. I was talking to South and I said my updates on his site last week sucked.
I thought they were ok to begin with but as the endless days of updating wore on--round about Day Two--I heard an incredible sucking
noise and realized it was my posts. He said, "you've done better, but I give it a solid B." A solid B? Hmm, at least I
don't have to write, "I'll try to be funnier next time" on the blackboard....

Bugs' writes: "My mom is really sore at Ben Rothelshoweverthehellyouspellhisname....for even being on a motorcycle in the first place. She thinks he wasn't being responsible to his employer. She makes a valid point--the Steelers pay him millions, and he turns around and does something stupid and gets himself hurt. (This next bit is mine, so if it sounds stupid, don't blame BugsMom.)

**dusts off soapbox** Okay (insertballplayersnamehere) gets paid bazillions of dollars. Where do you think the (insertnameofballclubhere) gets the moolah to pay his salary? Part of it comes out of my pocket. And I'm not even a fan of any sports (unless we're talking Buglet's T-ball) and I have never gone to a professional basketball or hockey game, and the last time I went to a baseball or football game was well over 10 years ago while living with my parents and had no choice.

BallClub has to find money to pay Player's salary. They allow some games to be televised, right? They have to sell ad space, right? In order to afford the Player's salary, prices for ad space go up. In turn, the companies buying ad space during professional televised games have to find a way to afford the ad what do you think they're going to do? Raise the prices on the stuff that we like to buy, so that when I go to the grocery store, I pay more for my groceries because some Player has to get a jet in his contract.
**climbs down from soapbox**

Well, it made sense ten years ago when I presented it in my Intro to Speech class in college. In case you get nasty letters from one of your other four loyal readers, No, I do not have any "hard evidence", and no I can't name any specifics. But I think it makes sense.

BTW--I've told you before...I think you're a great writer. That "Grandma Wavy Gravy" bit was so funny it made me snort coffee up my damn nose."

I've read several times that Ben riding without a helmet has been an issue within the Steelers organization. And if he didn't have the proper licensing, that's gonna make things worse because he was riding one of the "world's fastest legal streetbike" in the Suzuki line. I also heard on ESPN that some sports teams specifically spelled out "no motorcycle riding" in their contracts, while others said if the person couldn't play due to injuries *other* than those received playing football, the team owners have the right to ask for their signing bonus back and not pay them their contract. It's like Mr. G said though, he was on top of the world and in a split second Ben's whole life changed, and he wasn't even traveling at a high rate of speed. Motorcycles LOOK fun, but when you realize there's not a damn thing between you and the thanks!

Oh, and I didn't realize until I was home that Grandma Wavy Gravy ripped out the centerfold before she gave the mag back...damn hippy.

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

i hear aunt flo knockin' but she can't come in

I'm bored, depressed and pissed off with my life today. The Unholy Trifecta.
All I need to do is start crying about how I'll never make it as a writer and hell, my day will be complete.
That can only mean one thing: Aunt Flo is on her way. Sigh.
I'm so full of rage that I told some old lady off while I was dumping my recyclables--the spelling on that doesn't look right, but tough shit.
When I arrived at the bins, there was a woman there with wearing denim overalls and a straw farmer's hat.
She was in her 60's if she was a day, and she had PIG TAILS, damn it. PIG TAILS.
You know the kind.
People who look like they've lived in a commune most of their lives, sharing vegetables, grains and sex partners.
That's right, she was a hippie. Worse yet, an old hippie.
I opened my car and proceeded to take out ten bags of empty diet Pepsi bottles that I'd carefully hidden in the trunk from Mr. G.
Grandma Wavy Gravy ambles over and tries to make small talk. I'm not having it. Did I mention Aunt Flo
is on the way and there's no stopping her arrival?! (Or my temper, at this point?)
I had a few newspapers in the trunk, too, so I tossed them into the bin.
Grandma Wavy Gravy says, "You really should bundle your papers before you recycle them."
I dug into the trunk and pulled out a couple copies of Playgirl magazine that I carry around in case I get snowbound
somewhere and need to jill off, let the centerfold drop open in her face and said, "What about PORNO?? Do I need to bundle my PORNO?"
Then I said, "Look, I have to make several trips down here every week to hide my diet Pepsi addiction from my husband.
I don't need some wheat grass drinking, pot smoking HIPPIE to tell me how to recycle! Now, get lost and
gimme my damn porno mag back. That's from my emergency car kit!"

it only hurts when i laugh

Well now the latest news reports are saying Ben Roethlisberger didn't have a proper motorcyle license. His learner's permit expired in March and apparently he never took the test or got a license. Well, he's a hot shot sports celeb, so I'm sure he'll get off scott free on that one. Maybe a slap on the wrist to make it look all official like.

Home again, home again, jiggity jog. Thank God I am back on Pennsylvania soil!
Sometimes it feels like I never left...

Frank writes: "Goddess,
Too bad you’re heading back to your estate so soon. I had read about your disappointment with our hospitality this morning and was going to invite you over for some grilled opossum. Ran over it myself just this morning, so do worry about freshness. I’m not convinced you got the better deal though. 5 days alone in South’s place – vs – 3 days with South & friends on the Gulf? I think I won out on that one. LOL.
Let me know when you’re back this way. I’ve got an old bottle of Gentleman Jack and a porch where you can see those stars you missed."
Hmm, how come people always tend to invite me over when I'm leaving??? LOL...
Thanks, Frank. I hated having to pass up grilled oppossum. Hell, I could have even brought the grill with me.
As for who go the best "deal," I think we just have different definitions of the word "paradise."

Monday, June 12, 2006

steeler territory

Now the news is reporting Ben Roethlisberger has a broken jaw and a broken nose, but they did perform emergency surgery on him earlier. I wonder if this is going to change Mr. "I Drive Carefully" 's feelings about wearing a helmet. Anybody with a lick of sense KNOWS it's not always about YOU when you're involved in an accident. And while I don't know that I subscribe to Terry Bradshaw's feelings that Ben should be riding his motorcycle "after he retires," he should certainly take safety precautions while riding now.

I think repealing the helmet law was one of the DUMBEST things ever. Way to go idiot Senator Wozniak. In the first four months after that law was repealed, deaths among helmetless riders more than doubled, from six to 15, compared with the year-ago period. Fatalities among riders wearing helmets dropped 28 percent, from 25 to 18. I guess some people just enjoy the wind rustling through their brain matter.

Oooh, sad news from Pittsburgh this morning. Steeler quarterback Ben Rothlisberger has been involved in a motorcycle accident on the Tenth Street Bridge and Second Street. Rothlisberger, who apparently was not wearing a helmet at the time of the accident allegedly has severe head and facial injuries. A woman was attempting to make a left hand turn in his path, although he had the green light, but apparently couldn't stop in time and went into her windshield. The paramedics and police officers said he tried to stand when they arrived on the scene, he got to his knees then collapsed.

The news reported that Ben's refusal to wear a helmet when driving his motorcycle has been addressed several times within the Steeler organization.

Saturday, June 10, 2006

suddenly i become a part of your past

I'm beginning to see why South "trusts" me so much with his computer and site info. I'm probably the only one on the planet
dumb enough to not be able to figure out how to get into all of his bukkake vids, despite all the information I have at my fingertips...
On the other hand, it's fun snooping through all of his stats and referrers.

No offense to the baby and all, but wouldn't it be a hoot if Brad and Angelina's kid grew up to be butt uglee?
Everybody's acting like she's the female Messiah. WHO CARES?!

I was waiting for COPS to come on last night and I saw some scenes from the upcoming season of Bridezilla. I've never seen the show and don't even know what channel runs the program--probably Fox, if bad reality tv is anything to go by. I have to say that if
I was a guy, and I saw my fiancee on that show, I'd think twice about marrying her. They were all a bunch of bossy, snotty, uptight bitches.
A lot of women take the fun right out of the wedding when they insist on micromanaging every aspect, and these women were exactly like that.
Good luck living with them, guys. I sure as hell wouldn't want to.

Don't forget to read my update on South's site...

Friday, June 09, 2006

why can't you set your monkey free?

I read that Beyonce is looking to hire an all girl band. Wasn't she part of--didn't she dump--no, I'm sure I have the wrong chick. NM.

I was reading an article in the paper by those two religious dudes known as the God Squad. They were discussing wedding fees for the clergy, and they said, "For big weddings, a fee of about $1000 (or even more) is not outrageous. Somehow, the idea that clergy are worth less than the cost of those little hot dogs with the crusts around them is insulting." Excuse me? A $1000 fee to do something that is your f'ing job in the first place? The clergy don't pay rent, they don't pay for their home and most of them don't pay utilities. The parish does all that. At our parish, we even pay for his damn food, and they feel it's perfectly fine to charge FEES to perform a wedding?
Mr. G was filling out papers recently at the funeral home for his dad's funeral, and they asked him how much money he would be giving the priest to perfrom the funeral Mass!. That's insane. I mean what exactly IS the priest's job if not to perform weddings and bury the dead? Exactly what are they getting paid for?
Then the funeral director told Mr. G that since his dad is going to be cremated, some priests might not allow him to be
buried in the Church, which is ridiculous. He said it was the priest's personal feelings on the issue that would be the deciding factor.
The Catholic Church annoys me with many of their stances. For instance, it used to be if you commited suicide, you couldn't be buried in church because they had already decided you were languishing in Hell. How big of them. No one knows what is in a person's mind the moments before they commit suicide, but leave it to the Church that preaches we shouldn't judge to decide for them.

I was looking at some energy bars for Mr. G, and I was trying to find something that was nutritious but didn't have any sugar. I picked up this one by B2B (Back to Basics) that said: "virgin coconut oil"--that's excellent for your health; "50 mgs of Omega 3's"--another excellent health benefit; "whey crispy protein"--sounding good so far,
and THEN I read "high fructose corn syrup." Ugh. Why in the world would you put that garbage into a "back to BASICS" energy bar?

I heard on CNN this morning that the police now have the right to monitor your online activities.
Wow. A looooot of cops are going to see their pictures when they check up on me.

I can't believe CNN is making a huge deal about the fact that Zarqawi lived for a few moments after the bomb blast.
"Was he outside the building when it was bombed?" "Was he wearing a protective vest?" "Do we give a fuck? He's DEAD."

If I hear that stupid song by Nick Lachey one more time I'm gonna vomit.
"I don't wanna live in the shadows of my mistake...blah blah ..whine whine." I find it interesting that now that he has some
sort of celebrity himself--due to the fact that he married a celeb--suddenly Jessica has become a "mistake." Personally, I think
she's playing this ALL WRONG. I read that she was getting into fights with chicks who were dating Nick. Wrong. Wrong. WRONG.
In a public situation like that, you must NEVER let a man know that his using you as affected you.
She's coming off as needy and immature. Jessica needs to surround herself with four or five huge, hunky guys at all times.
She needs to make sure that at least three of these guys are black dudes to send Nick the oh so subtle, "I don't need your small, pasty white
penis anymore, Caucasian boy" message.

Oh, OUCH. There's an officer in West Palm Beach, Florida, who is helping to nab drivers who run red lights. The officer, who is in drag,
and goes by the name of Officer Delicious, signals to a waiting patrol car when a person runs a red light. On many occasions, officers
have written 75 tickets in less than 90 minutes. Ok, I'm sorry, but there is NOTHING delicious about this dude. I'm wondering how many people run the red light staring at Officer D???
No word on how many times "she's" been propositioned while working...

Bugs writes: Bugs' writes: "I'm guessing that "Officer Delicious" isn't going to make
the Hott Cops page."
Oh ya don't think so, huh?

when i was mary's prayer

There's a little girl in Pennsylvania that I would really like you to pray for.
She was at the SPCA yesterday playing with a 4 year old dog she was hoping to adopt when the dog
suddenly attacked her in the face. She had just graduated from kindergarten yesterday
and the medics said it was one of the worst attacks they'd ever seen, so while you're going
through your day, please stop and take a moment and offer up a prayer for her.

eh, there's nothing of much importance down here really.
I have arrived safe and sound and exhausted and pissed off. In other words, all is well in my world.
I shall be updating for Mike South (ADULT SITE) while I'm here staying at the Dump that Porn Built aka his place. IF I can get his damn ftpee program to work. It's weird working on someone else's computer and even weirder
using a program I'm not familiar with.

Don't expect a whole lot from me while I'm here in "it's not the heat, it's the humidity" Hell.
I don't do my best when I'm a limp rag capable of only reaching to the bedside
table for chocolate sustenance and diet pepsi thirst quenchers.

Thursday, June 08, 2006

that ain't gonna helpl me now

WORDS OF WISDOM: "Don't go to Europe to find yourself. Who told you you were there anyway?"
Stephen Colbert on advice to college grads

Overtime Hawg called here last night to talk to the night time girl and told her the real
reason she wanted Friday off was to make food for a party she's going to the following day.
Now how damn dumb do you have to be to tell another co-worker that story after lying to me yet again?

If you're one of the lucky people who received the "Urkel is dead" email, it's not true. It was widely reported--I'm guessing
by Jaleel White himself trying to jumpstart his career--that he had committed suicide by shooting himself.
Again, Jaleel White is NOT dead. His career, however, is an entirely different matter.

Alas, I shall NOT be seeing the Disney movie Cars, no matter how much the younger offspring beg me. It reminds me too
much of the Disney movie The Brave Little Toaster, and I STILL have nightmares about that gawd awful video.

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

i wish you were a stranger i could disengage

Wow. Look who comes up number one in this search? Mom would be so proud and I feel so honored....

I love that commercial for that dumb new reality show about housewives in which they talk about the "DRAMA" in their lives. The one guy's
dog ate his gf's ring, and he tells her she has to dig through the poo. Yeah it doesn't get much more dramatic than handling shit...

I wish Al Synder of York, Pennsylvania, well in suing the Westboro Baptist Church. They deserved to be sued for the cruelty
they inflict on the families of dead soldiers when they show up at the soldier's funerals and protest.
People who spread hatred in the name of the Lord have to be the most screwed up people on the planet.
Good luck, Mr. Synder.

Does anybody on the planet give a shit about seeing Brad and Angelina's new baby?!

Billy Preston has passed away at the age of 59. My favorite
Preston songs were "Nothing from Nothing," which I quote from time to time when discussing my finances,
and "Will it Go Round in Circles" which pretty much made no sense.

Hey, kids! I have the Rio all packed and ready to go. I leave for Atlanta on Thursday evening
right after work. Keep your fingers crossed that I don't wind up in North Dakota. I'm looking
forward to the peace and quiet of the drive. Yes, I'm leaving Holly at home this time. Amen, and pass the giant slurpee.
And not to worry, I shall indeed be updating both my main site and my Hott Cops blog.
Yeah, like any of you were sweating that....

Speaking of hott cops, I was watching COPS last night and the guys were involved in a high speed chase.
The one guy was having a hard time with directions,
and I was thinking that would be fairly difficult, trying to concentrate on the street names while driving at high rates of speed.
I'd be terrible at that because I usually give directions according to the food places nearby. I'd be all, "Ok we're on the street
where we bought those really good chili dogs, the ones with lots of onions? Now we're turning onto that street where
I buy candy and diet soda every day...yeah the avenue cateycorner to the bakery with the delish cream filled donuts.
No, not those peanut butter ones, that's three streets over."

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same

I am so grateful that baby in Texas is back with her mom and dad. If the idiots that kidnapped her didn't even have enough common sense or compassion to
keep a five day old baby out of the blazing sun, God only knows what her life would have been like had the police not found her.

Mr. G was gracious enough to peruse my cops calendars last night and tell me which of the guys were "gay." Nice of him, huh? Coinkidinkyly, all the buff dudes just so happened to have that "gayish aura" about them...according to his gaydar.
And the more buff they were, the more he emphasized the word "he." Oh, HEEEEEEE'S gay."

Too bad about Michelle Wie not making the U.S. Open. Hard to believe she's only SIXTEEN.

You know who has really changed over the centuries? God. Back in Biblical times God would tell people to do
constructive things like building an Ark or getting their directionally challenged asses out of the desert.
Now He tells them to run naked through the park screaming obscenities
or to slaughter their neighbors. Where's that fun God we used to know?

Monday, June 05, 2006

you got me going crazy you turn me on

Do you know those annoying people who try to sound like the singer on the radio when they sing? Hi. I'm one of those annoying people.
Yes, I think I sound exactly like Madonna.
Yes, I think I sound exactly like the male lead singer from The Fray. And yes, I think I sound like Bobby AND Whitney.
In reality, I sound more like that William Hung dude that got laughed off of American Idol, but that doesn't stop me from singing.
I don't mean to be nasty, but the first time I saw him on A.I, I thought in all seriousness, "Wow. It really takes
guts for a mentally retarded person to try out for Idol." I *honestly*
thought he had Down's Syndrome.
Overtime Hawg wanted me to work for her this Saturday and I said I would, but in turn, I wanted next Saturday off. Usually she works Friday for me so I can be off eight days in a row, but I figured "fug it" this time. If she's taking my Saturday, I want hers. So she calls me at work today and starts in with her usual sob story. "Is there any way I can work another day for you other than Friday? I made this appointment with a doctor six months ago and if I don't keep it, he can't see me for two more months." Blah blah as she continues with the rest of the same story I hear every time. It's always a doctors appointment that she made a long time ago.
When she finishes with the drama, I said, "I didn't ask for Friday off. I told you I wanted you to work Saturday for me."
She said, "Oh." And then after a few moments of silence, "You mean you want me to take off Friday then come back out on Saturday?"
I said, "Yeah, the same way I have to take off this Friday and come out on Saturday for you."
Now *here* is the interesting thing. When she asked me to work for her on Saturday a couple months ago, SHE is the one that suggested
she would work on Friday. Now don't you think you'd consult a friggin' calendar before you make arrangements to fill in for someone? Secondly if this
appointment was earth shatteringly important as she made it out to be, don't you think you'd remember when it is? At least a general idea?
I *know* that's gonna kill her because she takes off to her cabin on the weekends and I'm guessing she wanted to leave on Friday. Having to work Saturday is going to mess that up all up for her, and not like she can come back with some plausible excuse as to why she can't work Saturday now.
I gave up a ton of weekends last summer to her and I don't intend to do it again this summer.

Good news for Dell owners. Dell is adding 1000 tech support people to improve their tech support. Bad news is not one of 'em speaks English.
More people to talk to that ya can't understand. In other words, they'll fit right in with the rest of the Dell Tech support monkeys.

Apparently they've made quite the historic find in an attic in Maryland. They've found letters from Mrs. Abe Lincoln about her husband.
I believe one of them said, "Abe has become a big pain in the ass since he became President. It's blah blah blah honesty this and blah blah blah honesty that. Honestly, I wish he'd spend as much time between my legs as he does kvetching about honesty."

ESPN has cancelled it's reality show called Bonds on Bonds. Smartest move ESPN ever made. Can you imagine following Barry Bonds around 24/7?
What would we see? Him looking at himself in the mirror? Him singing his own praises? Him taking "vitamin B12" shots? Ugh.
It was cancelled because of control issues. Who couldn't see that coming?

Speaking of sports, apparently some chick has been stalking former baseball player Bob Uecker. Uecker is accusing her
of sending him presents and following him to different cities. At his age, he should be grateful for the attention....

I turned on the radio Sunday morning on the way to work and a song called "God is My Friend" was playing. After it finished the announcer
began to talk about how Jesus was our friend, and I thought, "Sure He's my friend. When He wants something. But does He ever email?
Does He ever just pick up the phone to say 'hey''?" He's on my buddy list, but do I ever get an IM?
Nope. Zip. Zilch. Nada. He doesn't even send me those annoying forwards about Himself.

I bought a pair of ear buds. I'm not wild about them. I prefer the big, honking Koss padded headphones with the extra long cord.
But what I thought was neat as far as the earbuds go is this: one has a little red band on it and one has a little blue band on it.
I guess that's so you don't try to jam them both into the SAME ear. Clever, huh?

Thanks, Jay, for letting me know the song I was looking for was Hourglass by Squeeze. My skimmers know everything!

I'm sick of hearing about the bird flu, but here's my plan anyway. I say we talk about it constantly, stirring everybody
up in a frenzied fear, BUT DO NOTHING until it hits in full force. Then scramble like mad to come up with a solution.
Oh, wait. That's not my plan, that's the gubment's plan...for a lot of emergencies apparently.