Thursday, May 04, 2006

wish that full moon would follow me home

FYI, I guess I should clarify because I confused one person. When I say "I'm not interested in any sort of relationship"
that's "nice girl" code for "I have no interest in screwing you or any other guy who isn't my husband. And if that's what you're looking for, you're wasting away the skin on your fingertips typing. Use those hands for something more constructive--like jerking off."

From the "I Got A Man" file: So I was zipping around the net today and this guy who claims to be a cop pops on IM. First words out of his mouth were that he was a cop and he wanted to see my picture. I said, "I'm not interested in any sort of relationship," and he says, "what makes you think I am?" DER WEE. The mere fact that he asked to see my picture is clue number one. From there, he'll decide whether or not I'm "worth his time." Screw off. Besides, who gives a rat's ass what I look like if we're just chatting?? It's funny, but as many people as I've chatted with online over the years, I've never yet said, "I want to see your picture." If people off to show me, I'll look, but it really doesn't concern me one way or another.
As mind boggling as it may be for some people to comprehend, just because
I have a hott cops website
(Self Pimping 101 class is really paying off),
that does NOT mean I want to sleep with a cop.
It's all about eye candy and NOTHING MORE for me.

Oh, and btw, the dental assistant "grew up in the theater." Somehow, I do
not think belonging to a group that puts on productions for the local hospital auxiliary qualifies as "the theater."
I just felt you should know that little tidbit, because it's like I always say, "if *I* have to suffer, *you* have to suffer."

This is what you have to look forward to when your career is shot in the ass. Erik Estrada will be appearing
at the Blair County Ball Park to sign auotgraphs and to throw out the first pitch at an
Altoona Curve baseball game. Other "greats" scheduled for the summer?
Adam West, Barry Williams and Jamie Farr. UGH.
A week or so ago, Gary Puckett--one of my all time favs was here playing in a HIGH SCHOOL AUDITORIUM.
I believe he was with BJ Thomas. Sigh. They are both, as I've discussed before, in the final stage of stardom, or
what I refer to as "grateful to be headlining at the county fair."

The dentist was EXCRUCIATING.
Not because of my teeth, but because the chick cleaning my teeth would NOT SHUT UP.
I was in that chair over an hour and fifteen minutes and I SWEAR if she had worked on my teeth it would have taken her ten minutes to chip the plaque, polish and floss. The dentist told me last year my teeth had a "ton" of plaque. Yeah right. The most plaque she got off my teeth were the bottom front teeth and even that was minimal. I knew there could not be a lot of plaque because I drink a lot of hot tea and the tannins in the tea keeps the plaque from forming. Anyway, I would not have cared had this chick worked AND talked at the same time, but no, she kept sitting back, reminiscing about her entire dating history. I kid you not. I know all about how she was engaged to a gay guy who only admitted to being gay four weeks before their wedding. I know all about how he left her and went to NYC to be with a 60 year old guy, despite the fact that he was only 22 at the time. {shoot me. shoot me now} I know all about how she's friendly with her present husband's ex-wife. I heard all about how she still dreams of him. And how she double dated with gay dude, her now husband and his wife at the time. {just a quick bullet the head oughta so it} I know all about her three kids, including two step kids from her husband's first marriage. I even know all about her preacher daddy. {BANG!!}
And for THAT I paid $50??
Shit, she should have paid me twice as much for being her therapist.
I have NO PROBLEM with people talking WHILE THEY WORK, but this just bordered on the absurd. I kept waiting for the dentist to say something, but I should have known better. There are like 6 chicks working in the office with one male dentist and they absolutely run him. For instance, someone came into the office right after I did, and she had some fruit snacks for them. The entire office shut down for at least 15 minutes while they all ooo'ed and ahhh'ed over the food. I'm sitting there thinking, "just fucking clean my damn teeth already!"
It's almost anti-climatic after all that, but thank God all my teeth looked good.

When I was at the dentist the chick who came in behind me had to have a root canal, and I said to the assistant, "There's two words I don't want to hear: root canal." She said, "Oh, it's not bad at all. There's no pain involved and the dr does so many of them that he really knows what he's doing."
I said, "No pain? That's not what I've heard. How many of them have you had?" She said, "Oh, none. I hardly even have any fillings." Well, then you're hardly the "expert" I want to talk to about it.

Last night's South Park was....hmm, let's see if I can find the right word. It didn't suck, but it wasn't funny. I guess "cute" would be
the ideal word. They brought Cesar Millian, the Dog Whisperer on to train Cartman when The Nanny failed. Of course they had the usual scene where it went overboard and Eric tried to kill his mom, but I give the entire episode a "C" for "could have been funny".

WORDS OF WISDOM: “I believe that the government
that governs best is a government that governs least, and by these
standards we have set up a fabulous government in Iraq.”
–Stephen Colbert during his comedy "tribute" to President Bush at the White House
correspondents' dinner
Thanks, Eric!

Bugs' writes: "Ahh, the dentist. I just had a cavity filled today. Oddly enough, it only took about 20 mintutes, tops.
When I was a kid, it seemed to take hours."
No matter WHAT the dentist does it feels like hours to me. The last time I went I had two teeth that needed worked on. He kept trying to convince me to schedule them to be worked on at the same time. I'm like, "NO WAY. I need time to recover from the first tooth before you do the second." So I get in there and it just so happens that he has an opening and again he says, "While you're here, let's take care of it." Well, against my better judgement I said ok. It was the longest freaking TWO HOURS of my life. The one was a cap which usually takes him about an hour to an hour and a half to prep. The other was a broken tooth right next to it. NEVER AGAIN. My dentist has a lot of nervous energy,
as do I, so when I pick up on that, I'm twice as nervous.
The sound of the drill upsets me, but the SMELL the drilling makes gets to me, too. Hell, it *all* brings back icky memories.

"Prize winning flower garden in the making? Oh, I get it you're waiting for the huge dollar store plastic flower closeout, huh? Make sure you get a "Bendover Lady" to go with it...."
No, I'm thinking like a realtor. You know how you've seen those houses that are a brick away from falling apart, but the realtor puts a happy spin on it by referring to them as "fixer uppers"? Well, that's where I'm going with the garden thing. Besides it could be a dirt farmer's dream come true. Hey, maybe I should market it using that angle? "Perfect for the dirt farmer in all of us...."

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