Tuesday, May 30, 2006

we can't jump the track we're like cars on a cable

Good news, kids!!! I'll be in Atlanta next week updating for South. And now that I've posted that here, he can't take it back!!! I'm calling dibs on Casa de South!!!

May I just go on record as saying I do NOT like IM conversations with
my webpimp Mike South that begin with him asking, "what did you do?"
because I know that usually means I screwed up something on my website and it ain't gonna be good...

You know that new Fox "reality" show I was yakking about yesterday featuring porn chicks and fake drama? I wonder how long it
will take before one of the porn chicks is sobbing over the fact that she's run out of black eyeliner?

There was on opossum on our front porch last night eating cat food, and Holly, who was laying in the living room, caught wind of it. She jumped up in the front window and went ballistic when she spied it. She was only about five feet away from it behind the window, but that dumbazz possum just sat there eating as if he didn't have a care in the world. Opossums are either incredibly brave, or deaf, dumb and blind. I'm guessing the latter.

Once again I have been screwed up the ass sans lube. I ordered something called, "Cacai."
(No caca jokes, please. I've already gone that route with Jay. )
Cacai is chocolate in it's natural form before all the garbage is added. It's the stuff thats good for you when they tell you to eat dark chocolate. No, people. It's not Dove they're talking about. It's this crap.
Now I figured this was going to be along the lines of baking chocolate, taste wise. But who among us hasn't been so desperate for chocolate that we find ourselves holding a bar of baking chocolate in our hands thinking, "Well, it SAYS 'chocolate'. How bad can it ----bleccccch! blecccch!---be?"
But this is why I feel I was screwed. This is how the chocolate was described on the website and the back of the bar:(bend
"A hearty cocoa taste, yet non-aggressive, a warm flavor with an Asian touch," (bend over) "A "must" in the line of great cocoas", (spread cheeks) "Remarkable for it's finesse and elegant flavor. Warm, fruity, sweet." (shove dick inside and proceed to pump as hard as possible).
Now here's the ABSOLUTE WORST PART: I ate half a bar in one sitting, bitching the entire time about how lousy it tasted. I find that if I eat it in small pieces I can get it down quite easily..... I need mental help.

Tuesday was one of those days when a bullet to the head seemed like the only merciful thing to do.

I **TRIED** to change ISP's yesterday, because AtlanticBB bought out my isp and SAID they were going to discontinue dial up. I figured I'd get out while the getting was good. Interesting thing, all of a sudden last night they were like "Oh, no, people misunderstood. We have no intention of getting rid of dial up. There won't be a price increase or anything." My guess is people were so pissed after the news story ran last week CLEARLY STATING they were raising rates, then gradually getting rid of dial up, that I think they back pedaled on the entire issue.
BUT when I say I "tried" to change ISP's that means everything worked perfectly UNTIL I said the magic words to Mr. G, "This ISP seems to be working much better than our old ISP. **KNOCK WOOD** I don't know why I was afraid to change." Evidentally God didn't hear the "KNOCK WOOD" part. I walked into the computer room five minutes later, tried to reconnect and I couldn't. It kept giving me a "system does not recognize user name or password" error. I spent 95 freaking minutes on the phone with tech support and I'm guessing I retyped my name and password 55 THOUSAND times in that span of time. Tech Support Rule of Thumb: when all else fails, just keep repeating the same stupid shit over and over. And when that tech support monkey asked me if I knew how to spell "Goddess" correctly, I wanted to reach through the phone and slap him senseless. What really angered me is that he was able to recreate the same error message on his end two or three times, yet because he connected several other times, he felt there might not be a connectivity issue. I can't connect on either computer, yet there's no connectivity issue. Then what the hell is it? He gave me some sort of drivel about passing everything on to another department. Then he said, "We get maybe 1 in 1000 connections that don't want to work." Well, lucky me. Mizz 1 in 1000. So now I'm in dial up limbo. I won't know until tonight if they found out the problem with the new ISP and I'm hating going back to my old one since it's $9 a month more.

As if that wasn't bad enough, I had major virus program issues. The error was that I didn't have active shield components installed even though the damn thing was working perfectly last night. I tried system restore but that did nothing so I had to uninstall/reinstall the entire program again. While it was downloading--which on dial up can take about two hours--I was sitting there going, "Lord, this has been one HELL of a shitty day." Sure I could have prettied that up, but He knows I'd be thinking it anyway. "Lord, You know I don't ask for much. Ok, I *ask*, but You just don't seem to *give.* Could You PUHLEEZE let this reinstalled virus program work? Because if not, tech support monkey said it might be a virus. Lord, I've suffered enough having to talk to tech support monkeys for almost 100 minutes. I used up all the free minutes I got from TracFone only to find out I STILL can't connect to the internet. HELP and I will consider thinking about maybe going back to Church." (He knows I won't.) Which is probably why after four attempts I still don't have my virus program installed. I've had it. I'll try this fresh again on Wednesday moanin'. And I do mean moanin'. McAfee has this crackerjack "wizard program" that will tell you exactly what's wrong with your virus software. I kept getting the "some components of Active Shield are missing or not properly installed," when I tried to turn my virus program on, so I dl'ed the wizard. After ten minutes it found my exact problem: "some components of Active Shield are missing or not properly installed."
I called tech support on this issue and he said--get this--"Make sure you don't have a virus." I was SO PISSED at this point, I said, "And how exactly do you purpose I do that? Oh, wait. I know! I'll use the FREE Norton virus checker because my shitty McAffee doesn't work."

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