Monday, May 29, 2006

u and ur hand

You've heard of the gang from Sesame Street, right?
But have you heard of the Sesame Street Gang?
I find it hilarious that any self-respecting thug would walk around with Bert and Ernie on their chest.
According to one article, "On some, Oscar the Grouch emerges from his garbage can, wielding a 9 mm handgun.
On others, Bert and Ernie are standing in a gang posture, armed with automatic weapons."
Bert and Ernie? Gang posture? I wonder if Ernie's wearing his bunny slippers?
What next? A remake of Barney's "I love you, you love me"? "I shoot you, you shoot me. We're a gang of idiots..."

LOL...I love it. So he's a perv...and not very bright. Drunks? Chicks in bikinis? How could he
know the difference? Give him his damn job back. Besides, if he's married, his wife will give him more
of a beat down than getting fired ever could.
BTW, I'm guessing he likes the chunky chicks...

Once again Mother and Daddy Goddess have returned from Atlantic City sans a HUGE CHUNK
of my inheritance. I don't get it.
My mother has always been...oh, what's the word? Frugal? (CHEAP!) Economical? (CHEAP!)
Penny wise? (CHEAP!) Nope, I'm fairly certain the word is CHEAP.
I can't believe she would squander my inheritance like this. Every time she goes to Atlantic City, I watch
another dream slide away. This time my dream of a new TWO BEDROOM trailer went down the crapper.
The best I can hope for now is a used station wagon for some of the offspring to sleep in.

I CAN'T WAIT to see the show that South is talking about on his site:
"Fox Reality and Zig Zag Productions have teamed up and are set to produce “My Bare Lady,” a reality show
featuring a number of adult film stars as they train with a London stage director in order to debut a classic play in London."
Screw the play. I want to see the fake drama because NOBODY does drama like pornchicks!

You know one of the best things about knowing people from all over the country? I'll never have to consult a map again.
I'll be all, "Bugs, is Cleveland anywhere near Dayton?" Or "Yo, Zal, is Sana Ana anywhere near San Diego?"
Or "Alex, how far is it from Trenton to Atlantic City?" And poor Kat. If she had a quarter for every time I asked, "Is Los Angeles anywhere near San Francisco?" she'd never have to work again. Screw Mapquest. This is FABBBULOUS.

Spam Email O'The Day? "Want your love back?"
No, but I wouldn't mind having my skinny ass back...

Oh what a wicked web we weave when first we attempt to hide diet soda in the trailer so no one else finds it.
Female Offspring #1 came home on Friday night and while I'm always happy to have her home, it presented a
set of problems for me. Namely, how could I sneak diet Pepsi without her knowing?
I am firmly convinced that FO #1 could work for Scotland Yard without much training. She doesn't miss a damn thing.
If she was a dog, she'd be a Blood Hound.
I didn't have anything to drink but water this week, except for the iced tea on Saturday. Well Sunday and Monday got
incredibly hot and humid, and I was DYING for a big ole glass of D.P. with lots of ice.
I went to Dollar Gen first thing Sunday morning for "potting soil," aka Diet Pepsi, and hid it in the trunk of my car
waiting for the perfect opportunity.
I had to wait till ten o'clock at NIGHT before I could sneak it in and guzzle it down.
Monday was even more humid then Sunday and once again at 9 a.m. I went to DG for "potting soil."
Had to actually buy some this time, damn it. I took several mouthfuls of the icy, cold soda in the parking lot, but, hey, at 9 a.m.,
I can only take so much carbonated drink on an empty stomach. I shoved the bottle into my trunk and drove home.
By one in the afternoon, I couldn't stand it anymore. Mr. G was "thinking about life" with his eyes closed,
and FO #1 was in the living room watching a zillion Daily Shows that I'd taped for her over the last two months.
I snuck the soda into the kitchen and drank several mouthfuls before I heard FO#1 coming down the hallway.
I quickly stashed the bottle and the glass in the one place I knew no one
would ever look in my trailer: the oven.
I was washing dishes when she came into the room.
(Wow. Those are words you don't see me using very often.)
She stepped into the room and was immediately suspicious. No damn wonder. I was so "high" on those first few
gulps of DP that I was smiling. NOBODY smiles while they're doing dishes, least of all, me.
FO#1: "What are you doing?"
Me: "Dishes, of course."
FO #1: "Ok, what are you up to?"
Me: "Nothing." She stares at me for several seconds trying to read my expression. "What do you want anyway?"
She began digging through the freezer: "I want to pop a pizza in the oven."
Well, of course she does.
Me: "It's too hot to put the oven on. Why don't you put it in the mikey?"
FO #1: "It'll get soggy."
Luckily, my crafty mom skills aren't too shabby either.
I said, "I'll get it in the oven for you, if you do me a favor." Again she was suspicious but so grateful
she didn't have to find a clean baking sheet, she didn't argue.
I sent her into another room to gather some laundry for me. I had just enough time to
hide the glass of soda behind a stack of dirty dishes. Thank God I've never subscribed to
that cleanliness being next to Godliness crap.

Who knew guys overseas were as lacking in male/female communication skills as some of the guys in the U.S?
(I prettied that sentence up, btw.
It originally read, "Who knew guys overseas were every bit as rude and dipshitty as some of the guys in the U.S.?")
Some guy from Spain IM'ed me and said, "picture please" and then "webcam please." How about "get a life please"?
When I refused both, he shut off his IM. Another fine gentleman in the making.
Don't get me wrong, I love chatting with people, and I've "met" a lot of nice folks over IM, both men and women.
I am a person, I have a brain, I have interests, ask me about them. I'm interested in hearing about your life, too.
Note I didn't say your "SEX LIFE" because at this point, I DON'T KNOW YOU.
I really resent these arrogant guys who think they have the right to ask whatever they want. Ever heard of boundaries?
And it's always the guys. I've had plenty of conversations with women, and oddly enough,
they seem capable of getting through the exchange without being the slightest bit presumptuous.
The fact that some guys act this way over IM tells me they probably act the same way when they meet a chick in person.
I am SO SICK OF IT their pompousness that I've come up with...
Goddess' Rules for IM'ing:
1. Don't freaking ask me for my picture or for me to put on a web cam show for you five seconds into the "conversation."
You're probably the same sort that feels it's ok to grab a chick's tits the minute she sets her ass in the front seat of your car.
You don't help me get off, and I sho' as hell ain't helping YOU get off. And you don't touch a woman until you're invited to touch.

2. Don't freaking ask me for my measurements, unless your name is beside mine on the mortgage.
Do I ask you why you live in your parent's basement? Or how long you've been
struggling with that premature ejaculation problem?
3. Don't freaking ask me if I like to swallow or give blowjobs.
What difference does it make to a guy who ain't gettin' one anyway?
Trust me, the truth will only add to your sexual frustration.
4. Don't freaking ask me if I want to have cyber sex with you.
I have four words for you: tissues and hand cream.
Besides cyber sex is right up there with dressing up as Ewoks and memorizing Star Wars
movies on the "You Might Be a Geek If..." list.
5. Don't freaking ask me if I want to "meet" you.
Just because I write about sex and just because it's obvious from my writing that I love sex,
that doesn't mean I'm a 'ho.
6. Don't freaking tell me you're fifteen years old and would I like to "chat" with you about sex?
I have NO interest in little boys. If you want to find out about sex, ask Mommy or get yourself a MySpace account.

2 comments:

Frankie B said...

OMG Goddess,
This entire post was awesome. I LMAO bigtime.

I actually had a reporter come up to me and ask about that whole Sesame Street thing here in Ma. I hadn't heard anything about it when he asked me. So I did the whole "no comment" thing. Now I hear you all know about it out there.

About the pervcop, (kinda makes me wish we had in car video's here) lol

and lastly the rules for IM'ing were priceless

Goddess said...

Thanks, Frankie. Can you tell it was a particularly boring day at my place yesterday? LOL...I think that post qualifies as a chapter.

Truth be told, I haven't heard anything about the Sesame Street Gang in PA, I just stumbled across the news story when I found the one about the perv cop;)