Tuesday, May 02, 2006

i went from zero to minus ten

Bugs' writes: "Lovely piece of property you have there. A pink flamingo in the front dirt patch
and a string of lights made from cans of Pabst Blue Ribbon and you're ready to move in!"
OMG! You're exactly right! It's missing "color" and "flavor." I knew it needed something--besides indoor plumbing,
windows, a kitchen and two interior walls--but I didn't realize it was FLAVAH! BTW, I prefer to think of it not as a "front dirt patch" but a "prize winning flower garden in the making."

UGH. Tomorrow I have a dentist appointment.
It's just for a cleaning, but I even find those stressful. Plus I have one tooth that feels a tad hinky and it might
need to be capped at this point. Lord knows I let him patch and patch until I'm forced to get it capped, but
sometimes patching buys me two to three years. It's like I always say, "Never put off until tomorrow what you can put off for two or three years."

My slacker houseboy Manuel has finally returned. He's been off the last few days attending some sort of parade.
Must be nice to just ditch your job to watch freaking parades. And from what I hear there weren't any floats OR high school bands.
What's the point of a parade if you aren't going to hear "Smoke On The Water" performed by a local marching band???
If he keeps pissing me off, I'm going to send him back to El Salvadore or Mee-hee-co or wherever it is he's from. He's always a tad vague on that issue. Can you imagine coming all the way from El Salvador to cut my grass? It must be like a dream come true...for him.

I started to use my Youthful Essence again. I was waiting on a new shipment of cream.
Youthful Essence is the microdermabrasion system Susan Lucci advertises and I absolutely LOVE IT. And you know I rarely love anything. Other than my sexcapades.....
The crystals in the smoothing cream takes all the dry skin off of your face and makes it feel incredibly smooth and soft. The only catch was that you needed to do it before you shower because you couldn't get rid of all the particles with just a wash cloth. But now they've made the machine "shower friendly" so you can use it in the shower. If you have any problem with dry, dull or flaky skin, try this. You'll be amazed at how great your skin feels.

Screw Tuesday.
Holly and I fell into a blue funk yesterday. Well, I feel into the funk, she went along for the ride. You know the drill. The "I'm never going to be a world renown writer" blues? Yeah, *that* struck again. I decided to spend the afternoon in bed with a good book, something I haven't done in a loooong time. Naturally Holly couldn't stand the thought of me laying in bed all. by. myself. So I read, she slept by my stomach. I worked crossword puzzles, she slept with her head my stomach. I slept, she slept across my stomach, thus making me feel not only blue but numb from the waist down.

In my hormone induced funk, I began to wonder if all things would be explained to us when we die or would we just not care anymore? Would we finally find out why bad things happen to good people? Why someone shot President Kennedy but not the idiot that penned "Who Let The Dogs Out"? And would I finally know the source of my persistent vaginal itch? I'm just not buying that "it's nerves" excuse any longer!

Ok, so after I worked myself out of my funk--yeah, I know it doesn't seem like I have, but trust me on this one. I forced myself to get out my Carlton Sheets real estate tapes and listen to them again. And no more trailers for me either. I'm going more upscale. I closed on this little beauty this afternoon.

I feel so much better. Once again I am in control of my own destiny and it feels great owning all this property. So what if I never become a famous writer? I'll make my millions in real estate, just like Carlton did. If anybody is interested in renting that gorgeous little home in a natural woodland setting, let me know. Oh, and the outdoor plumbing is a bonus. You don't have to waste precious time scrubbing toilets! And you won't need to buy an air conditioning system because there aren't any windows. Again, less cleaning for you. Doesn't get much better than that.

Some dumb JACKASS is using my TWOG addy for spam. JERKS!!
I swear if I find out it has anything to do with that Zepti search engine, I'm gonna SPIT!
The reason I'm connecting the two is a. this has never happened to me before and
b. I've gotten lots of searches for "Zepti spam email abuse."

Some guy commented that he liked my pictures of "hot gay cops." I felt compelled to point out
that just because *he's* gay, that doesn't mean the *cops* are gay.

I love the Comedy Central commercial for South Park. It begins, "See why everybody is
talking about South Park." Um, because it SUCKS?

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