Tuesday, May 30, 2006

we can't jump the track we're like cars on a cable

Good news, kids!!! I'll be in Atlanta next week updating for South. And now that I've posted that here, he can't take it back!!! I'm calling dibs on Casa de South!!!

May I just go on record as saying I do NOT like IM conversations with
my webpimp Mike South that begin with him asking, "what did you do?"
because I know that usually means I screwed up something on my website and it ain't gonna be good...

You know that new Fox "reality" show I was yakking about yesterday featuring porn chicks and fake drama? I wonder how long it
will take before one of the porn chicks is sobbing over the fact that she's run out of black eyeliner?

There was on opossum on our front porch last night eating cat food, and Holly, who was laying in the living room, caught wind of it. She jumped up in the front window and went ballistic when she spied it. She was only about five feet away from it behind the window, but that dumbazz possum just sat there eating as if he didn't have a care in the world. Opossums are either incredibly brave, or deaf, dumb and blind. I'm guessing the latter.

Once again I have been screwed up the ass sans lube. I ordered something called, "Cacai."
(No caca jokes, please. I've already gone that route with Jay. )
Cacai is chocolate in it's natural form before all the garbage is added. It's the stuff thats good for you when they tell you to eat dark chocolate. No, people. It's not Dove they're talking about. It's this crap.
Now I figured this was going to be along the lines of baking chocolate, taste wise. But who among us hasn't been so desperate for chocolate that we find ourselves holding a bar of baking chocolate in our hands thinking, "Well, it SAYS 'chocolate'. How bad can it ----bleccccch! blecccch!---be?"
But this is why I feel I was screwed. This is how the chocolate was described on the website and the back of the bar:(bend
"A hearty cocoa taste, yet non-aggressive, a warm flavor with an Asian touch," (bend over) "A "must" in the line of great cocoas", (spread cheeks) "Remarkable for it's finesse and elegant flavor. Warm, fruity, sweet." (shove dick inside and proceed to pump as hard as possible).
Now here's the ABSOLUTE WORST PART: I ate half a bar in one sitting, bitching the entire time about how lousy it tasted. I find that if I eat it in small pieces I can get it down quite easily..... I need mental help.

Tuesday was one of those days when a bullet to the head seemed like the only merciful thing to do.

I **TRIED** to change ISP's yesterday, because AtlanticBB bought out my isp and SAID they were going to discontinue dial up. I figured I'd get out while the getting was good. Interesting thing, all of a sudden last night they were like "Oh, no, people misunderstood. We have no intention of getting rid of dial up. There won't be a price increase or anything." My guess is people were so pissed after the news story ran last week CLEARLY STATING they were raising rates, then gradually getting rid of dial up, that I think they back pedaled on the entire issue.
BUT when I say I "tried" to change ISP's that means everything worked perfectly UNTIL I said the magic words to Mr. G, "This ISP seems to be working much better than our old ISP. **KNOCK WOOD** I don't know why I was afraid to change." Evidentally God didn't hear the "KNOCK WOOD" part. I walked into the computer room five minutes later, tried to reconnect and I couldn't. It kept giving me a "system does not recognize user name or password" error. I spent 95 freaking minutes on the phone with tech support and I'm guessing I retyped my name and password 55 THOUSAND times in that span of time. Tech Support Rule of Thumb: when all else fails, just keep repeating the same stupid shit over and over. And when that tech support monkey asked me if I knew how to spell "Goddess" correctly, I wanted to reach through the phone and slap him senseless. What really angered me is that he was able to recreate the same error message on his end two or three times, yet because he connected several other times, he felt there might not be a connectivity issue. I can't connect on either computer, yet there's no connectivity issue. Then what the hell is it? He gave me some sort of drivel about passing everything on to another department. Then he said, "We get maybe 1 in 1000 connections that don't want to work." Well, lucky me. Mizz 1 in 1000. So now I'm in dial up limbo. I won't know until tonight if they found out the problem with the new ISP and I'm hating going back to my old one since it's $9 a month more.

As if that wasn't bad enough, I had major virus program issues. The error was that I didn't have active shield components installed even though the damn thing was working perfectly last night. I tried system restore but that did nothing so I had to uninstall/reinstall the entire program again. While it was downloading--which on dial up can take about two hours--I was sitting there going, "Lord, this has been one HELL of a shitty day." Sure I could have prettied that up, but He knows I'd be thinking it anyway. "Lord, You know I don't ask for much. Ok, I *ask*, but You just don't seem to *give.* Could You PUHLEEZE let this reinstalled virus program work? Because if not, tech support monkey said it might be a virus. Lord, I've suffered enough having to talk to tech support monkeys for almost 100 minutes. I used up all the free minutes I got from TracFone only to find out I STILL can't connect to the internet. HELP and I will consider thinking about maybe going back to Church." (He knows I won't.) Which is probably why after four attempts I still don't have my virus program installed. I've had it. I'll try this fresh again on Wednesday moanin'. And I do mean moanin'. McAfee has this crackerjack "wizard program" that will tell you exactly what's wrong with your virus software. I kept getting the "some components of Active Shield are missing or not properly installed," when I tried to turn my virus program on, so I dl'ed the wizard. After ten minutes it found my exact problem: "some components of Active Shield are missing or not properly installed."
I called tech support on this issue and he said--get this--"Make sure you don't have a virus." I was SO PISSED at this point, I said, "And how exactly do you purpose I do that? Oh, wait. I know! I'll use the FREE Norton virus checker because my shitty McAffee doesn't work."

Monday, May 29, 2006

u and ur hand

You've heard of the gang from Sesame Street, right?
But have you heard of the Sesame Street Gang?
I find it hilarious that any self-respecting thug would walk around with Bert and Ernie on their chest.
According to one article, "On some, Oscar the Grouch emerges from his garbage can, wielding a 9 mm handgun.
On others, Bert and Ernie are standing in a gang posture, armed with automatic weapons."
Bert and Ernie? Gang posture? I wonder if Ernie's wearing his bunny slippers?
What next? A remake of Barney's "I love you, you love me"? "I shoot you, you shoot me. We're a gang of idiots..."

LOL...I love it. So he's a perv...and not very bright. Drunks? Chicks in bikinis? How could he
know the difference? Give him his damn job back. Besides, if he's married, his wife will give him more
of a beat down than getting fired ever could.
BTW, I'm guessing he likes the chunky chicks...

Once again Mother and Daddy Goddess have returned from Atlantic City sans a HUGE CHUNK
of my inheritance. I don't get it.
My mother has always been...oh, what's the word? Frugal? (CHEAP!) Economical? (CHEAP!)
Penny wise? (CHEAP!) Nope, I'm fairly certain the word is CHEAP.
I can't believe she would squander my inheritance like this. Every time she goes to Atlantic City, I watch
another dream slide away. This time my dream of a new TWO BEDROOM trailer went down the crapper.
The best I can hope for now is a used station wagon for some of the offspring to sleep in.

I CAN'T WAIT to see the show that South is talking about on his site:
"Fox Reality and Zig Zag Productions have teamed up and are set to produce “My Bare Lady,” a reality show
featuring a number of adult film stars as they train with a London stage director in order to debut a classic play in London."
Screw the play. I want to see the fake drama because NOBODY does drama like pornchicks!

You know one of the best things about knowing people from all over the country? I'll never have to consult a map again.
I'll be all, "Bugs, is Cleveland anywhere near Dayton?" Or "Yo, Zal, is Sana Ana anywhere near San Diego?"
Or "Alex, how far is it from Trenton to Atlantic City?" And poor Kat. If she had a quarter for every time I asked, "Is Los Angeles anywhere near San Francisco?" she'd never have to work again. Screw Mapquest. This is FABBBULOUS.

Spam Email O'The Day? "Want your love back?"
No, but I wouldn't mind having my skinny ass back...

Oh what a wicked web we weave when first we attempt to hide diet soda in the trailer so no one else finds it.
Female Offspring #1 came home on Friday night and while I'm always happy to have her home, it presented a
set of problems for me. Namely, how could I sneak diet Pepsi without her knowing?
I am firmly convinced that FO #1 could work for Scotland Yard without much training. She doesn't miss a damn thing.
If she was a dog, she'd be a Blood Hound.
I didn't have anything to drink but water this week, except for the iced tea on Saturday. Well Sunday and Monday got
incredibly hot and humid, and I was DYING for a big ole glass of D.P. with lots of ice.
I went to Dollar Gen first thing Sunday morning for "potting soil," aka Diet Pepsi, and hid it in the trunk of my car
waiting for the perfect opportunity.
I had to wait till ten o'clock at NIGHT before I could sneak it in and guzzle it down.
Monday was even more humid then Sunday and once again at 9 a.m. I went to DG for "potting soil."
Had to actually buy some this time, damn it. I took several mouthfuls of the icy, cold soda in the parking lot, but, hey, at 9 a.m.,
I can only take so much carbonated drink on an empty stomach. I shoved the bottle into my trunk and drove home.
By one in the afternoon, I couldn't stand it anymore. Mr. G was "thinking about life" with his eyes closed,
and FO #1 was in the living room watching a zillion Daily Shows that I'd taped for her over the last two months.
I snuck the soda into the kitchen and drank several mouthfuls before I heard FO#1 coming down the hallway.
I quickly stashed the bottle and the glass in the one place I knew no one
would ever look in my trailer: the oven.
I was washing dishes when she came into the room.
(Wow. Those are words you don't see me using very often.)
She stepped into the room and was immediately suspicious. No damn wonder. I was so "high" on those first few
gulps of DP that I was smiling. NOBODY smiles while they're doing dishes, least of all, me.
FO#1: "What are you doing?"
Me: "Dishes, of course."
FO #1: "Ok, what are you up to?"
Me: "Nothing." She stares at me for several seconds trying to read my expression. "What do you want anyway?"
She began digging through the freezer: "I want to pop a pizza in the oven."
Well, of course she does.
Me: "It's too hot to put the oven on. Why don't you put it in the mikey?"
FO #1: "It'll get soggy."
Luckily, my crafty mom skills aren't too shabby either.
I said, "I'll get it in the oven for you, if you do me a favor." Again she was suspicious but so grateful
she didn't have to find a clean baking sheet, she didn't argue.
I sent her into another room to gather some laundry for me. I had just enough time to
hide the glass of soda behind a stack of dirty dishes. Thank God I've never subscribed to
that cleanliness being next to Godliness crap.

Who knew guys overseas were as lacking in male/female communication skills as some of the guys in the U.S?
(I prettied that sentence up, btw.
It originally read, "Who knew guys overseas were every bit as rude and dipshitty as some of the guys in the U.S.?")
Some guy from Spain IM'ed me and said, "picture please" and then "webcam please." How about "get a life please"?
When I refused both, he shut off his IM. Another fine gentleman in the making.
Don't get me wrong, I love chatting with people, and I've "met" a lot of nice folks over IM, both men and women.
I am a person, I have a brain, I have interests, ask me about them. I'm interested in hearing about your life, too.
Note I didn't say your "SEX LIFE" because at this point, I DON'T KNOW YOU.
I really resent these arrogant guys who think they have the right to ask whatever they want. Ever heard of boundaries?
And it's always the guys. I've had plenty of conversations with women, and oddly enough,
they seem capable of getting through the exchange without being the slightest bit presumptuous.
The fact that some guys act this way over IM tells me they probably act the same way when they meet a chick in person.
I am SO SICK OF IT their pompousness that I've come up with...
Goddess' Rules for IM'ing:
1. Don't freaking ask me for my picture or for me to put on a web cam show for you five seconds into the "conversation."
You're probably the same sort that feels it's ok to grab a chick's tits the minute she sets her ass in the front seat of your car.
You don't help me get off, and I sho' as hell ain't helping YOU get off. And you don't touch a woman until you're invited to touch.

2. Don't freaking ask me for my measurements, unless your name is beside mine on the mortgage.
Do I ask you why you live in your parent's basement? Or how long you've been
struggling with that premature ejaculation problem?
3. Don't freaking ask me if I like to swallow or give blowjobs.
What difference does it make to a guy who ain't gettin' one anyway?
Trust me, the truth will only add to your sexual frustration.
4. Don't freaking ask me if I want to have cyber sex with you.
I have four words for you: tissues and hand cream.
Besides cyber sex is right up there with dressing up as Ewoks and memorizing Star Wars
movies on the "You Might Be a Geek If..." list.
5. Don't freaking ask me if I want to "meet" you.
Just because I write about sex and just because it's obvious from my writing that I love sex,
that doesn't mean I'm a 'ho.
6. Don't freaking tell me you're fifteen years old and would I like to "chat" with you about sex?
I have NO interest in little boys. If you want to find out about sex, ask Mommy or get yourself a MySpace account.

pt deux

I'm beginning to think that "no child left behind" program might have been a good thing had we had it years ago....like say, when G. W. was in school.

"The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country."
- George W. Bush

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
- George W. Bush

"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one
word is 'to be prepared'."
- George W. Bush

"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the
- George W. Bush

"The future will be better tomorrow."
- George W. Bush

"We're going to have the best educated American people in the world."
- George W. Bush

"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."
- George W. Bush

"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm
commitment to Europe We are a part of Europe."
- George W. Bush

"Public speaking is very easy."
- George W. Bush

"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."
- George W. Bush

"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
- George W. Bush

"For NASA, space is still a high priority."
- George W. Bush

"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."
- George W. Bush

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in
our air and water that are doing it."
- George W. Bush

"It's time for the human race to enter the solar system."
- George W. Bush

Sunday, May 28, 2006

the red, white and blue

Oh, talk about your underachievers.
Today I received the spam email, "This is the 0th email I've sent you."

The last two nights Mr. G and I have taken Holly for her nightly "dragging us around the neighborhood" around 9:30.
It was so nice and cool, and the neighborhood was deserted and quiet.
I like walking when it's dark outside because it's very peaceful. That's one of the joys of living in small
town America, walking at night without having to worry about getting mugged. Of course, having a 90 pound, raving lunatic of a Lab
at your side tends to make you feel fairly secure no matter what time of night it is.


While you're noshing on the picnic potato salad and hot dogs, please remember the vets who fought for our freedom.

Some of these spam emails are getting ridiculous. I've been getting ones that say, "This is the second email I've sent you," or
"this is the third email I've sent you." One dipshit decided to get creative and send "this is the 56th email I've sent you."
Well aren't you just a dumb jackass to keep emailing me when you see what a lousy track record I have at responding? You should have stopped at two.

In today's Family Circus, the grandmother--that I thought died a long time ago--said, "Sometimes children are like sponges. They seem to absorb all your strength and leave you limp...but give them a squeeze and you get it all back." Weird. I thought children were like sponges. They seem to absorb all your strength and leave you limp, then they get moldy and are pretty much useless.

Last night right before Mr. G went to bed, I said, "Did you remember to take those four essential fatty acid soft gels I laid out for you?"
He said, "I forgot." So I schlepped them into him with a glass of water and he said, "You're bound and determined to keep me alive, aren't you, woman?" Yes, it's just a weird thing I do, caring for people I love.

them's good eatin'

For some oddball reason Blogger is being a dick with me this morning, making my type incredibly HUGE or incredibly small. Let's see how this one turns out...

Bugs told me about this cooking show called "Semi Homemade with Sandra Lee." I
had actually seen it once before (accidentally in a waiting room), but I didn't realize that was the show she was
referring to. I don't usually watch cooking shows because it would be the same thing as
me watching shows on how to perform dentistry. What's the point?
I won't be performing root canal and the only time I like to go to the kitchen is when the offspring have
supper ready. The first show I saw was her making a bean dip and she layered it in this deep, narrow
bowl, and I remember thinking at the time, "How the hell is anybody going to get down to that
third or fourth layer without shoving their entire hand into the bowl?"
But this morning's show was hoot. She was making breakfast for her sister and with her small nephew.
BTW, having the name Bryce is curse enough, don't call the poor child, "Brycey" and act like it's
affectionate. It's downright gay. What was funny about this show is the way she makes sugary and cholesterol clogging
garbage, all the while stating that they like the kids to eat organic and no sugar as much as possible.
This was the breakfast menu--she took a frozen pizza, smeared olive oil on it, then added two scrambled eggs, what looked like half of
an eight oz bag of cheddar, mozerella and monteray jack cheese, 2 sausage patties, tomatoes--ORGANIC, OF COURSE, parmesan cheese, and then Italian seasonings. I was disappointed. I kept waiting for her to drizzle SUGAR FREE melted chocolate over the entire mess.
The nephew made his mother a special muffin. He whacked it in half and put a mixture of cool whip and hershey's syrup
between layers of muffin and again on the top, because while it's ok that the kids should eat sugar
free whenever possible, apparently that rule doesn't apply to mom.
Mom firmly believes that words speak louder than actions. I like her way of thinking.
The drink for the kid consisted of milk, hershey's chocolate AND strawberry syrup. Good Lord.
The kids would be bouncing off the walls with that drink. The BREAKFAST drink for the adults contained coffee, chocolate liqueur and strawberry liqueur and whipped topping. Unless you're Anna Nicole (or Zal), who the hell drinks that sort of stuff for breakfast??
Then she made french toast with strawberries marinated in grand marnier.
As she's making that, once again she points out how her sister likes the kids to have NO SUGAR syrup ONLY. Bugs said she makes such wonderful things as cherry chocolate rice as a side dish and chocolate chip spaghetti sauce BBQ sauce. Why doesn't she just dunk everything into a five pound sack of Domino sugar mixed with Hershey's syrup and be done with it? Mmmm mmm not much that doesn't taste good dipped in chocolate.

say that you remember

I was still whining to Mr. G about not being able to see the K-9 dog
presentation on Tuesday and he said, "You're not remembering the events as
*I* remembered them. It wasn't the "woof woof" or the treat comment that
got you in trouble, it was when you flashed your boobs at the cop that you
got the boot." Oh, I get it. Let's play another rousing round
of "Let's Blame the Blonde Chick." Now it's MY fault that my shirt accidentally
flipped up over my head when the cop came by....

Female Offspring #1 came home Friday night and it's been a fight to get
Holly outside to laze about in the sunshine. Apparently she's mesmerized
by FO#1's every move and afraid she might miss something. Too bad she's
not equally mesmerized by me telling her to "get out and get the stink
blowed off."

So far I'm having a lovely Memorial Day weekend. We went out to dinner
last night for my birthday. (I wanted to wait until FO#1 was home to
celebrate) I had purchased some stevia sweetener in yet another attempt to
eat healthy. Stevia is made from a plant, not chemicals like other
aritificial sweeteners. This particular brand had fiber in it and I didn't
realize that. I was looking forward to a glass of brewed ice tea with the
Stevia because I've really been TRYING to knock off the soda. (And it IS
true what they say, I've been eating a lot less drinking the soda, but my
weight has stayed dead on the same for FOUR WEEKS.) Anywho, I ate and
ate--all healthy stuff--and mostly veggies, steamed cabbage, fish, that
sort of thing. I don't really like heavy meats if I can avoid them. But
with all this, I downed two medium size glasses of iced tea with four
packets of Stevia. I felt great until it was time to leave the restaurant.
My stomach felt so bloated and I was so miserable. When we got home, Mr. G
looked at the Stevia box and said, "No wonder you're bloated. It says
"four packets equal the fiber in a bowl of whole grain cereal." OY!!

Saturday, May 27, 2006

less thunder please

It ain't fair! It ain't fair! It ain't fair!
I just found out one of the local police officers is going to bring his K-9 dog to Female Offspring #7's second grade class to talk to the kids and show them the sort of work the dog does. So naturally I called the school and asked if I might "tag along" with FO #7 that day, and they told me I was NOT allowed on the premises for the presentation. Seems the principal has a rather long memory and he's concerned I might "come on" to the officer like I did during Male Offspring #4's assembly. That was a total misunderstanding! The cop and his dog passed my seat, and I said, "Woof woof" and I winked. But I SwEaR I was winking and woofing AT THE DOG.
And when I promised him a "treat if he was a good boy" AGAIN, I was talking to the dog!!

Bugs writes: "Britney is getting so much flack because she had a drink in her other hand. And didn't let go of the drink when she lost control of her son. I'm not even going to go into all the other crap she's done. [/end rant]"
Ok, personally, I think it depends on the TYPE of drink she was juggling. If it was beer, for instance, by all means drop it and take care of the kid!
But if it was one of those blue sparkly drinks that chick was making on the cooking show the other day, well, then, I'd really have to think about it.
I mean, on the one hand you have a poopy, smelly baby and on the other, blue, sparkly, mind numbing alcohol!! Ooooo, purdy.....

Now that summer is here, ladies, don't forget to shave your face. I kid you not. The hairs may be fine, but DAMN, you will be AMAZED at how much less you sweat. I saw some woman on Oprah talking about this and I thought, "Lady, you are INSANE.........hey, I'm gonna try it." Sadly, that's usually the extent of my thought processes. But make-up glides on soooooo effortlessly. My hair is blonde so you don't really see my facial hair but once I shaved it, my skin felt so much smoother.

Our town is hosting it's infamous motorcycle event next month. MAJOR UGH. The amazing thing is that this event has grown in leaps and bounds every year since it's inception. When they first announced it, I thought, "No way is ANYONE in their right mind going to come to this town to waste a weekend of their life they'll never get back." I was so wrong. Don't get me wrong. I heart my little corner of the country but I'm not kidding myself into believing we have what's called a "night life" around here. One time a friend of mine came in from the West and he asked me if we had any "art galleries" in town. I laughed so hard I nearly peed myself. Of course, he was coming from an even MORE backwater town in South Dakota, and thought my town was
"the big city." Not hardly. It's just more of a bigger backwater town, but I do feel safe here.

While I know it brings a lot of revenue to the town, I also know that the smell of money makes people greedy(ier). The food, for instance. I know the venders pay a fee to have booths, but do they have to charge $3 a pop for soda and $5 for friggin' french fries?

I think I'm most annoyed by the fact that it's difficult to negotiate through town, and I have to go through town to get home from work. And yessss, lucky me, I'll be working two days of the four. Tthey have one of the bridges torn up and it won't be ready in time, so that will make driving even more of a nightmare. What normally takes me five minutes takes me 25 minutes during this motorcycle love fest. Instead of parking their bikes like a car would park, they tend to park them out at angles. By the time they're finished parking on both sides of the street, you can barely get one car through, let alone two. The only good thing about the event is that the cops are out in full force, and that's never a BAD thing;)

Thursday, May 25, 2006

the clouds are rolling in

I wish the media would stop dogging Britney waiting for her to make sumdum baby mistake. She's young and she's stupid. She's bound to make mistakes, especially with people watching her every move. Now they're running a video on MSN in which Britney almost drops her baby. Oh for Pete's sake. Who hasn't dropped their baby from time to time? Luckily they tend to bounce and if you catch them on the first bounce, it's like they never fell. No harm, no foul.

I finally found a GOOD, HEALTHY BREAD for Mr. G and I. It's made by Ezekiel 4:9 and it's full of healthy WHOLE GRAINS. It has no preservatives, no sugar. It does have complex carbs, of course, from the grains. When I read the ingredients on the package, I thought, "Oh, gawd, a sandwich made from this stuff is going to taste like slapping chicken salad between two pieces of ply wood," but IT IS DELICIOUS! Mr. G is so thrilled to finally be able to have bread of some kind that I think he would have been more than willing to go the plyboard route.

Today the weather dude said, "It will be in the 80's and we'll see some form of rain." Hmm, I wonder what "form
of rain" rain might take on an 80° day? I'm guessing...oh, I don't know...RAIN maybe?

Ahhh, life with way too many kids. It's interesting. Female Offspring #6 is on a "no smoking" kick ever since they talked to the kids about the dangers of smoking at school. Yesterday we were driving through town and there was a lady on the corner smoking. When we stopped at the light, FO #6 stuck her head out the window and yelled, "SMOKING KILLS!!" Upon hearing that, Male Offspring #5 stuck *his* head out the window and screams, "BUT JESUS SAVES!!" Ahh, yes. If you see a woman tooling through town with a Rio full of unruly kids and a bag over her head, that'll be me.

Worked a long day Thursday 7 a.m.- 10 p.m. Yippee for O.T.

Mom and Dad are off to Atlantic City for a few days. Yes! TO SQUANDER MY MEAGER INHERITANCE!!
I stopped in after work Tuesday to say goodbye and Dad was muttering and puttering with "his junk" as my mother called it.
Daddy: "Your mother's nagging about my junk. She says I hang on to old stuff too long."
Me: "Well maybe she has a point, Daddy," I said, as I eyed the rows and rows of his
Popular Science and Popular Mechanics magazines from THE SEVENTIES.

[Laugh if you want, but if there's a science emergency at my trailer, I'm calling Daddy!]
Daddy: "That's BULLSHIT! All this stuff I have here on my work bench I need." He "needs" it like a hole in the head.
Then he hands me a box and
says, "Look through any of this stuff and see if you need it before I throw it out."
Me: "Umm, yeah, Dad, I don't think I'm going to be needing any of this..."
Daddy: "What about these 8 track tapes?"
Me: "I'd snatch them up in a minute, but my 8 track tape deck seems to be on the fritz."
Daddy: "What about a nice transistor radio?"
Me: "You're kidding me, right?" What's next? A handful of Grit Magazines from 1983?
Daddy: "What about these toothbrushes? You can't have too many of those."
Me: "Yeah, I know toothbrushes are extremely expensive these days, and I'm guessing the ones you have here
worked great the first time around, but no, you better keep them. In case there's a toothbrush shortage." Ewwww.
Daddy: "I have some nice plastic pumpkins for the yard. You can set them outside, pretty up the trailer around Halloween."
Me: "Well, they'd be great except for the fact that the sun has faded all the color.
White pumpkins just don't seem to be that popular."
Daddy: "What about this reindeer and sleigh?"
Me: "Daddy, two of the reindeer don't even have heads."
Daddy: "Oh, people won't even notice that from a distance." And then, "Roller skate keys? I have a lot of them."
Me: "Yeah, now all I need are roller skates..."
From out of nowhere I hear my mother yelling, "He has those, too, upstairs in the attic!"
LOL....never a dull moment.But the more I think about it, I don't think these people should be in charge of my inheritance!!

There's only one small problem with natural peanut butter: it's so friggin' thick. When you open the peanut butter and mix it, it's recommended you keep it in the fridge to keep it blended, but that makes it even thicker. (Keeping the jar upside down helps, too.) I forgot to take supper with me last night, but I had some natural peanut butter and my boss had a couple saltines laying around. Well, I *tried* to smear the crackers with peanut butter, but it snapped my crackers into about fifty pieces. Ugh. Peanut butter and saltine crumbs..yummy!

mr rockefeller won't you please pick up the phone

Wow. This is the 5th anniversary of my main site, The World Of Goddess. If I wasn't so bored with it, I'd tear up.

Overtime Hawg gave me a birthday gift. Remember last year when I said I hated it when people I don't particularly like give me gifts? Double that feeling of pissosity this year. She's only doing it so she can ask me to switch days with her and have a clear conscience. Fuck that. Anywho this weekend if HER birthday, so I had to get her a gift. Now here's the thing. On my card, she misspelled my name. FRICKIN' FOUR LETTERS and she spells it incorrectly. This is NOT the first time she's done this. Last night I was filling out her card and I thought, "Yanno, I should misspell HER name and see how SHE likes it." Then I thought, "Do you really want to be that petty? That immature? That childish?" After much thought I realized that yes, I *did* want to be that petty, childish and immature...

C.P. writes: "Congrats on your anniversary, honey. Consider your birthday gift your anniversary gift."
Your generosity is mind boggling, CP.

Why grandma should not be toting a gun...

I have a real problem with the show Video Justice. Last night they showed a LEO being attacked during a traffic stop, then shot and killed with his own gun. Since when did these sorts of thing become "entertainment"?

It's one thing to show video from dash cams or from store cams when the person is wanted and on the loose, but to show someone being murdered over and over again on a television show is sick.

When I saw it, I thought surely the cop survived by the mere fact that they were showing it. When I realized they were showing tape of his murder, I had to turn the show off. It was disgusting and I sincerely hope the man's family wasn't watching.

Ok, it creeps me out to hear Willard Scott call these 100 year old women "very attractive ladies..."
Apparently he'd hit it.

Was it my imagination or did Clay Gaykin look like he wanted to eat that boy up on American Idol when he came out onstage last night?
It was shown on CNN several times and it creeped me out each time. Speaking of Idol, it made the front page of our city newspaper two days in a row now. We can't be worried about that pesky war in Iraq, American has Idol Fever!

SodaPop sends this "Geography of a Woman":











The Catholic Church hasn't learned the one rule of thumb all parents learn as their kids grow up: the more you tell people they can't, the more they want to. The Church told it's followers not to see The DaVinci Code and people are going in droves. Ha. Reminds me of the time they told people not to go see Deep Throat. They were lined up all around the block in my town.

One of my search strings this month was "find and read about vagina" ok if you need to "find" your vagina first,
reading about it might not be your biggest problem ....

I was thinking of blowing (haha couldn't resist) all of my birthday wad (wad?! bwahahaha...hot damn, I'm horny) on
STRAIGHT cop porn, but I'm not so sure there even IS such a thing. But I'm
emailing Jack Lawrence to find out. He's pretty hott looking. I could definitely get into watching him bang
some chick while he's wearing his uni...

In his latest tape, Osama Bin Laden says that Zacarias Moussoui was NOT involved in
any of the 9/11 terrorist activities. So what? Moussoui's a wannbe?? A...GASP....LIAR?! Hey,
if ya can't trust Osama to tell ya the truth, who can ya trust?

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

even the stars refuse to shine

So I was reading more about this deal between the American Diabetes Assn and Cadbury Schweppes Americas Beverages to help "combat obesity and diabetes in America by stressing the importance of making smart nutritional choices." Since Cadbury makes a TON of bad, sugary foods, that's kinda like getting tips on the care and feeding of chickens from a fox. When asked why they accepted money from the soft drink company, the ADA said, "If we want to prevent diabetes, reduce the prevalence of obesity, help find the cure for diabetes, we have to get funds from some place." Great cop out. Hey, why not ask the tobacco companies for funding? What bothers me the most is that in exchange for funding, Schweppes will be putting the ADA logo on it's diet sodas. People are going to ASSume those products are safe for diabetics and they are not. I am concerned that people who are trying to combat diabetes are not getting the correct information they need to help themselves. Just like the 'sugar does not cause diabetes' stance that the ADA has. The Journal of Pediatrics published a study blaming much of childhood obesity and type 2 diabetes on overconsumption of sugar sodas. The ADA does say that yes, being overweight has something to do with diabetes, but not sugar which is how the kids are getting fat, so they just annoy the hell out of me the way they dance around the truth. And when they make deals with candy/soda companies, how can the public trust anything the ADA says?

Stephen Colbert: "And Shere Hite will be here with secrets to sexually please a woman. Is that a typo?" LOL....

Well now I don't feel so badly. I was walking past the television yesterday and I heard Oprah say, "Not
many people know Anderson (Cooper) is the son of fashion icon Gloria Vanderbilt."
Although I had never heard it before last week, I thought surely I was in the minority.

I'm not following American Idol very closely and quite frankly I just want the whole dumb thing to be over.
But I'm putting all my money on Barbaro. BTW, Taylor's a hottie, but who the HELL sings "Levon"? Ugh.
I heard that Eat 'N Park is offering the "loser" a $100k recording contract and all the bear claws they can eat...

Speaking of Barbaro, I really want him to get better. I felt bad when he got hurt and I thought about how horrible it would have been had he been put down. I read that his injury was so life threatening that most horses are put down right on the track when they experience a break like his.
I'm so glad they didn't do that to him. After I got all emotional about it,
I thought, "Am I like the biggest dork for getting upset over some horse that I don't even know getting hurt?!"
Then I read about people sending him cards and carrots, so phew! no, I'm not the biggest dork.

Atlantic BroadBand sucks big donkey you know what's. They recently bought out my ISP and I was worried that
they would either get rid of it all together or raise rates. The pissers are doing both. In a few months, they're going to
raise the dial up rates and at that point, you either have to go with their service or find another ISP. FUGGERS!!!!
Screw it. I'm dumping them next week when my bill is due.
And a big to my sell out ISP.

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

today continued

I was reading an article about diabetes, and I'm really pissed that the American Diabetes Association continues to ride the fence about simple white sugar and diabetes. Instead of admitting that eating white sugar directly leads to diabetes, they blame it on rising insulin levels. And yet what causes the rising insulin levels? What causes the pancreas to overwork till it can't work any more? Over eating simple white sugars, refined carbohydrates and white flour. Instead of admitting to a correlation, the ADA--which, btw, accepts funding from a major soft drink company--continues to blame the high insulin levels. They are splitting cunt hairs. And the American public suffers because of it.
If you read ANY natural healing information on diabetes, the VERY FIRST THING they will say is "elmiminate white sugars and flours..." Further proof that if you want to be healthy, you need to ignore most "medical" advice
and eat as naturally as possible.

OMG. TOO FUNNY. Check out the one called "Easter Egg Roll"...

Another really funny one...

A realtor found over 70,000 empty beer cans at a condo recently
vacated by a Salt Lake City , Utah man.

In some places the beer cans were shoulder high.
That's a SHITLOAD of Pabst Blue Ribbon flowers!! Damn. I sure hope he owned stock in that beer company.
Lord knows he was helping to keep them afloat.

Monday, May 22, 2006

lifes like an hourglass glued to the table

Male Offspring #5 was all excited about the C.O.P.S. t shirt he bought me for my birthday on Saturday.

Too bad I wasn't equally as excited by the t. I should have KNOWN Jesus would be involved somehow. Then, to show everybody what a "cool mom" I am, he gave me this bumper stick for my car.

Yeah, I'm sure that will convince people. Like the Rio is leaving my driveway wearing that...

When we were walking Holly after supper Monday night, the police car passed us like five times in the span of 30 minutes.
The last time he passed, I said to Mr. G, "I'm going to the next township supervisors meeting."
He said, "Why?"
I said, "I'm going to ask them why they never hire any attractive police officers in this township."
He said, "The sad thing is I can picture you doing it..."

Last night I got this spam email, "I may not be pretty but at least I ain't got no money..."
I'm failing to see the upside in any of that.

I'm hella jealous. The neighbor has new flower planters in her front yard and I want some. They're exceptionally classy, too.
She took the tires off one of the many rusted cars her latest piece o'ass deposited in the front yard. Then she spray painted them white,
put dirt inside them, and added the finishing touch--PLASTIC FLOWERS. Another super fancy thing she has
at her trailer are wind chimes made of Rolling Rock beer bottles. When the winds get to blowin', we're treated to a
lovely medley of clanging glass tunes. The only downside is that after a violent storm she has to make the wind chimes all over again.
Luckily, a lack of empty beer bottles has never been her problem. Then she took beer cans, cut the tops and bottoms off and flattened them out. She cut the tin into "petals" and put them on sticks in her yard. Presto! Pabst Blue Ribbon flowers! Damn. It's like she's Martha Stewart's white trash twin. That sort of stuff takes a special talent, and I just don't have it. Sigh.

Mr. G said to me last night: "You're cranky when you don't get your sex." Damn skippy.

I love the Everio camcorder commercial by JVC. While a guy is busy pissing with his camcorder, his gf sits down at an outdoor cafe table to wait. Another guy comes along, flirts with her and steals her away. When the guy gets his camera ready, he turns around and she's gone.

I saw the book "Teach Your Dog To Read" online. It sounded interesting so I ordered it. In no time I taught Holly to read using a flashcard system.
Last night we were right in the middle of "Gone With The Wind" and she suddenly got up and left the room. I said, "Holly, what's wrong?"
She came back with a flashcard that said, "I'm not listening to that Southern bitch whine one more minute..."

The other morning I walked into the (in)convenience store before work and there was one of our HOTT COPS in action.
He was standing by the door licking a chocolate ice cream cone. I looked at him and thought, "OMG. How I wish I could rip that damn ice cream cone right out of his hand. I'd swallow that sucker in one bite." (Having accomplished "oral talents" comes in handy some time.)
No, wait. That wasn't what I thought. I thought, "OMG. How I wish he'd lick ME that way. "
Yeah, yeah, that's what I was thinking...

I am so tired of these businesses saying they have to pass on the costs of higher fuel to the consumers.
Who the hell do WE pass OUR higher fuel costs onto?!

Elton John is being a bitch again. He called one of the press a "fuckwit," then said all press people "should be shot." Sure they
should be shot, Elton, until you have a project you want them to pimp. There's only one person who should be shot in that equation,
and that's femgay Elton John.

It comes as no surprise that women who drink a lot of dairy products have more twins. They're chock full of unhealthy hormones. I'm sure the advertising industry will find a way to turn this into a ploy by the dairy industry to get stupid women to drink more (unhealthy) milk. I seriously believe all these hormones in our milk and food are the same reason young girls are "blossoming" so much earlier than they used to.

Last week, Mr. G's dad had an "incident" at the home. He walked into some guy's room and took his stuff. When the guy tried to stop him, Mr. G's dad hit the guy. So what do they do? They DOUBLED his dose of Seroquel. Then they called this week to say he wasn't eating and had lost weight. Three guesses as to why. He's so fucking drugged up he can't even sit up straight and the man's supposed to feed himself? They also said he needed speech therapy --- again three guesses as to why?
Because he's so drugged up he can't even complete a sentence. Speech therapy, my ass. What he needs is a COMPETENT doctor.

Saturday, May 20, 2006

eight seconds left in overtime

I was watching tv this afternoon and they had the Bar None commercial ran. You know, the car insurance company with the annoying sock puppet dog I despise? The chick's car breaks down along the road and naturally dipshit dog to the rescue. During their "conversation," she says, "Hey, aren't you the Bar None sock puppet dog?" which clearly proves she KNOWS he's a damn sock on some twit's hand. Yet at the end of the commercial, there she is with her small child sitting in the front seat of a tow truck driven by...you guessed it...a DAMN SOCK PUPPET. What's wrong with her? I can see getting into a tow truck being driven by a ventriloquist's dummy, but a sock puppet? How the hell is he going to drive, use his signals and reach the brake at the same time? She needs to get her ass arrested for child endangerment. Then we'll see if that Bar None auto insurance does her a damn bit of good.

Ok the Todd English commercials are a tad too much about how wonderful Todd English is...oy. We get that the HSN people think he's not only sexy and handsome, but that he can cook. (GASP! Is that possible?!) We also get that he's full of himself in those ads. I don't know why I feel that way, maybe it's that shot of just his eyes showing over the plate of food. UGH.

I was on the way to work this morning and I went through a section of town that is in the middle of a beautification process. I noticed they planted several trees in the middle of the sidewalk. Now I'm no sidewalkologist, but common sense would tell you it's going to be a tad difficult to neogotiate the sidewalks if there are hugeass tree trunks growing out of them. I'm thinking if you want to beautify that neighborhood, getting rid of the heroin dealers might be a better place to start...

There are times I think the medical community couldn't get any more evil than it is and then I read something like this: "In 2005, Massachusetts General Hospital conducted an 8-week trial study that recruited children as young as four years old to be drugged and monitored, including having their blood drawn, to see if their tiny four-year-old bodies would tolerate a powerful psychotropic drug (Seroquel)." Seroquel is the same drug they had Mr. G's dad on and it made him a zombie. After one week he had no bowel control because of it. Seroquel is the same drug that leads to high incidences of diabetes, and law firms are now suing on their clients behalf because of that very side effect.
A FOUR YEAR OLD??? Where are people's ethics? Why would anyone let their child participate
in something like that? It makes me sick to my stomach to even think about it.

Bush wants the immigrants to learn English, eh?
And maybe he could learn a few things about the English language as well...

Pat Robertson said that if he "heard the Lord right" the coasts of America will be lashed by storms. Wow.
That's a fairly wild prediction seeing as we're headed straight into hurricane season.
And that's a pretty good "out" he's given himself. Maybe that's why all these nut jobs kill people and say God told them to?
Maybe a hearing aid is in order? Ya know, now that I think about it,
maybe God *hasn't* been telling me to "go and sin some more" all these years.....

My new "favorite song"? "Over My Head" by Fray!!

Huh. I had no idea Gloria Vanderbilt was Anderson Cooper's mother. Ya learn something new every day.

He finally grew a pair!!

Friday, May 19, 2006

i'm losing you and it's effortless

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything,
but you still can’t help but smile when you see‘em tumble down the stairs.

They just opened a new kind of clinic in our town that promises to help people "end addiction." Great.
I'm stopping by after work to see if they can help me with my hott cop addiction. I'm not holding out much faith that they can help me, though.
When I called to see what services they offer, the dude said, "Do you have a drug or alcohol problem?"
He said, "We can help you with that."
I said, "Well, unless you're going to tell me you can get me drugs and alcohol at wholesale prices..."
He said, "Oh, no. We're here to helpl you overcome your drug and alcohol addiction."
I said, "Huh. Unique approach, but why in the world would I want to do that?
The drugs and alcohol are the only things keeping me going most days..."

I seriously think Overtime Hawg has a loose shingle.
My boss told me this morning that Overtime Hawg asked her if she would "miss her" when she was
off this week. I'm like, "WHAT?!" I burst out laughing. I couldn't help it. I said, "Maybe she was kidding?"
She said, "Oh, no, she was quite serious. She asked me a couple times."

What a coincidence. Will & Grace is about two gay guys and the series finale sucked a big one.
The writers actually went the trite ending route and had their kids grew up to marry each other, I suppose because Will & Grace kept saying they felt they were meant to be together forever. I guess we're supposed to swallow that through their kids they were able to do this. Ugh.
Very, very disappointing.
I can think of only one laugh outloud funny moment in the entire show.

Jay was telling me what a big sweet patater he has. And no, that's not dirty code for anything.
I told him about the time when Mr. G was young and he was on the front page of holding his big cucumber.
(Although I rarely brag about his "cuke". And yeah, that IS dirty code.)
It was one of those small town newspapers that if you sneezed, it made front page headlines.
One time his dad made the front page, and it showed him making pierogies.
The story next to his was entitled, "Vote For Ike!".
But there you have it. Mr. G has a "prize winning" "cucumber"!!!

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

plug in the black light rosary

I love this excerpt from "The Pimp Game": "The game (pimping) is god-sent. The Lord gives us pimps and hos for pimps to feed off of,
the same way the Lord provides the world with predators and prey."
Oh, yeah I remember that from the Bible. And on the eight day the Lord said, "Let there be pimps and let there be ho's for the pimps to feed off of. Oh, yeah and let their be Ding Dongs, too..."
I especially love the way the author of this book would have you think that manipulating and using people was also a gift from God,
and that being a pimp is tantamount to "helping yourself," as in "God helps those who..."

I just do not understand women sometimes. Last week, my gf broke up with her boyfriend of four years. The guy was an absolute overbearing JERK.
Every time she'd call and want to do something we were either "busy" or "working." We went out with them exactly twice and that was two times more than enough. He'd talk about things and when you'd give your opinion, he'd say, "I don't care what you say, I think blah blah." After about the fourth time of him saying that to me, I said to my husband, "I am NOT wasting my time talking to some dill hole who doesn't care what I say or think. What's the point?" Not like my husband was arguing, he kept giving me "The Look". "The Look" generally means one of two things: "make up some damn excuse, I'm ready to go home NOW!' and/or "you so owe me ten blow jobs for making me sit through this fiasco." If I'm having a good time, I'll pretend I don't see "The Look," but trust me I was waiting for it the last time we were out. The minute we sat down at the table a feeling of "why did I agree to this?" washed over me in tidal waves. And I only agreed because she kept asking and I kept making excuses. Then she'd say, "Of all my friends, he likes you the best." Yeah, that's "chick code" for everybody else refused to have anything to do with him and now you're down to me...sigh.
So after breaking up with him and talking about what an obnoxious pig he was blah, blah, she
then adds, "I'll never find another man like him." WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU WANT ANOTHER MAN LIKE HIM??!
So I asked her that very question and she said--say it with me, gurls, you know the drill--"because I LOVE him."

HELP!!! If anyone on the planet has found an anti-frizz product that REALLY REALLY works PUHLEEZE tell me what it is! I am so tired of shelling
out money for these serums and gels that don't work. Well they work AT FIRST. Then twenty minutes later, my hair looks fly-away again. SamySilk works kinda ok, but if you put too much on it looks like you haven't washed your hair since Jesus was in diapers. Most of them tend to flatten the hair.

WW sent me a pic that I can't post here. Check it out on my main blog.

I think the hardest lesson Holly has yet to learn is : no matter how delicious and tempting the cats look, we don't eat family.

There's an article on MSN called "12 Things to do Before You Become Pregnant." It lists such things as: talk to your spouse about it--which might be a nice idea , get your teeth checked, make out a baby budget, get disability insurance, find out your family tree and get smart with your own health.
Now here is my list of things you should do before you become a parent:
1. Load up on sleep. Once the baby comes, you won't be getting any. And neither will the baby.
2. Get rip roaring drunk and/or high --once you get pregnant, liquor will cost more. After all, you'll be drinking for two.
3. Enjoy going to the bathroom with the door shut. Sure, you laugh at the simplicity of it, but
once those critters start comin', you'll regret not doing it.
4. Take long baths, again with the door closed. Once baby comes, you'll miss not being
able to slip into the bathtub without hearing "MOMMY!!!"
5. Have sex. Lots of LOUD SEX. You won't be having either of those once the baby comes.
6. Take a good long look at your feet. Once you get pregnant, you won't be seeing them for several months.
Now you can more clearly see why women the world over want kids. They make your life so much more...well, miserable.

all thats left of the dreams i hold is a band of gold

I was reading an article about this new "miracle" weight loss drug Alli that is about to become available without a prescription.
Patients who took the drug in clinical trials lost a WHOPPING one pound a month. Hell, cut out soda and
you can lose more than that. As soon as people went off the drug, they gained the weight right back. Apparently the drug absorbs fat, but the problem with those sorts of weight loss products is that they absorb your GOOD fats and fat soluable vitamins,
such as Vita E, Vita A and your EFA's as well. Another bad thing about this sort of pill and things like Chitosan is that the companies who pimp them fool you into thinking you can eat unhealthy fatty foods and still lose weight.
Guess what one of the lovely side effects is? Uncontrollable anal leakage. NO THANKS.
I guess it all boils down to this: at what cost to your health are you willing to be thin?

If I was a guy, I would be really upset at the way print media is portraying my sex at this point in time. The relationship bookshelves are filled with books like, "How To Improve Your Man in Bed," "The Lazy Husband: How to Get Men to Do More Parenting and Housework," ""The Scorecard: How to Fix Your Man in One Year or Less," "Why Men Never Remember and Why Women Never Forget," and apparently "It's Mostly His Fault," was entitled, "Good Husband, Happy Wife: For Women Who Are Fed Up and The Men Who Love Them." If I didn't know better, I'd think guys were bumbling idiots who couldn't get anything right.

LOL....I love this "letter" Ghostrider (he's a cop) posted on his blog:
Dear Dumbass,
In the future if you're going to almost run down a pedestrian crossing the street in a crosswalk, be sure it's not a uniformed police officer on his way into the office. Should the off chance that it does occur again, don't hit your brakes and hesitate before speeding off, giving the officer a clear unobstructed view of your license plate.
Sincerely, Ofc. Bobby
Won't he be surprised when he opens that plain looking envelope and that citation falls into his lap!" Now *that* is hella funny.

Wow. Oprah really gives girlfriend Gayle King some hard hitting assignments, doesn't she? One time Gayle was off in search
of the perfect hamburger and today she was off in search of the perfect cake. Next up for Gayle? Solve the Middle East Crisis ORRRRRRRR
find the most dee-licious tater tots in the whole world!

Monday, May 15, 2006

and all i can taste is this moment

Speaking of the Duggars--we were, right? Bugs' sent this article in which Jim Duggar announced his candidacy for State Senate.
What I find interesting in this article are these two sentences: "Duggar and his wife, Michelle, are known worldwide for their family of 16 children. They have been featured in documentaries on the Discovery Channel and featured in newspapers in Europe and Asia." Excuse me? I know somebody else who happens to have 16 offspring, but doesn't turn them into a circus act! Besides, while the Duggars might be known in Europe and Asia, everyone of my offspring are known by the police in a three county wide area, so THERE! Take that, do-gooder Duggars!
In another article I read, it said that she doesn't yell at her children. Instead she lowers her voice and speaks to them calmly.
Yeah, that's cuz she's quietly GOING INSANE. Every good mother knows the
rule of thumb in dealing with kids: if your kids scream, you scream louder until everybody has a hearing problem.

Hilary Clinton gave a commencement speech address at Long Island University students over
the weekend, and she said, "Kids today think 'work' is a four letter word."
Weird because last time I checked, 'work' WAS a four letter word...

Hussey's: For all your wedding needs..........

Let's see how well you, my dear readers, know me. Keeping in mind what a WILD GODDESS
I am, answer the following question. The other night I snuck out of the trailer at 2 a.m. to:
a. cheat on my husband with the one cop on our local force that's hott
b. sit at Coney Island, have a dawg and scout out the hott cops on the city force
c. sneak to the (in)convenience store for a diet pepsi
d. participate in my FIRST, EVER ménage a tois.

I was watching a police video show at lunch time yesterday and they showed some robbery footage, and
it just made me wonder how some people manage to survive as long as they do without killing themselves.
A kid was robbing an (in)convenience store and he came into the store wearing a pair of PANTY HOSE over his head.
Now this in and of itself is not unusual, of course, but he was wearing them with the legs of the panty hanging down in his face.
The entire time he's trying to get the cashier to give him the money, he's fussing with these legs trying to get them out of his view.
It was hilarious and no damn wonder she didn't take him seriously. If I recall she actually got a couple shots off at him.

Check out this very funny blog written by a 911 operator. This is one of my favorite entries:
"A lady calls to make a harassment complaint and then calls back a short time later
because there is someone knocking on her door. Duh - it is the officer you idiot!"

Sunday, May 14, 2006

i'm walking on sunshine and don't it feel good

Wow. Dogs are so different to have around when you're sick. The cats glare at me disdainfully and
give me that "SICKEE!" look, but Holly is actually a comfort. I was sitting up this morning and she was laying on the floor
by my side. I said, "Holly, my stomach doesn't feel good at all." She got up right away and came over to me.
First she *very gently* offered me her paw, then she put her chin on my knee and looked up at me like, "now what do we do?" Dang. I was kinda hoping *she* had some ideas....

WORDS OF WISDOM: "There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal in women.
Among these is the Mercedes-Benz 500SL." Lynn Lavner

Hey, all. I'm back from a lovely Mother's Day. I used to think the most wonderful thing about Mother’s Day was getting those 16 cakes, but now I realize it’s having the love of my children. No, no, it isn’t. It’s those DAMN CAKES WHICH I DIDN’T GET THIS YEAR!! Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. Ok, I’ve gotten it all out of my system, I promise. Back to the offspring. I haven't even had a chance to read what they wrote, but I’m sure they did a much better job than those twits over at Family Circus did. And
what are the chances that THREE of my kids would want to sing my praises? Then the girls said they added something. Hell, I'm probably the only mother in the blog world who had that many kids offer to write a tribute to her. Course I’m probably the only mother in the blog world that has sixteen kids. Hmm, unless that Duggar chick has a blog. Nah, she wouldn’t have the time. She’s too busy cranking out more kids and being a “good mom.“ Blech. I have a couple things to talk about then, I'll check it out. bI'm sure the offspring were highly complimentary.

I was reading an article on MSN about a woman who decided as a teen to keep her baby. She said her parents did most of the work in the beginning, her job was to do well in school and "enjoy the baby." Her mother did the babysitting all day and her dad earned the money to support them. When it was time to go to college, she chose an expensive school three thousand miles away, instead of a local school her parents wanted her to attend. When her parents told her they couldn't afford it--get this--she asked to see their tax returns and told them where they could make cuts to meet their parental obligation. Excuse me?! I would have told her to shove the damn application you know where. Talk about an arrogant teen. But what really got me about the article was when she said this, "My daughter and I moved to Connecticut when I was 18, and, except for brief visits back, I have never gone home again." She’s 30ish now. Nice. Especially after all the help and support she'd gotten from her mother and father to begin with. I honestly don't know what the purpose of the article was but she just came off looking so selfish, despite the fact that she said she wasn't the best mother at times. I think it was because while she seemed to show regret about the way she raised her daughter at times, she never showed a bit of regret about not going back home again.

Since I started taking melatonin I am sleeping sooooo much more soundly at night. That waking up at 2 or 3 am and being wide awake was the pits! Now I take Relora with the melatonin and BAM! I'm OUT. What I like about that combo is that it doesn't leave me
feeling hangover-ish in the morning like Valerian Root seems to do.

I saw this on an adult internet site: " First: The transaction is secured. This means that date travel crypted
from your computer to the billing system. Second we do not know your credit card number.
IBill our bank partner is the only to know this information. IBill is a well known,
majoc actor on internet billing system. We choosed it because it is safe for you."
They go on to say they never sell information because, "Your privacy is our first though."
Hmm, for some odd reason none of this inspires me to turn over my hard earned cash, let alone my cc info.

LOL. I read a news article saying Polish tv is banning all “racy ads” even those that “hint at sex” while the Pope is visiting. That’s like saying, “Hey, everybody! Jesus is at the front door! Quick! Hide all the booze and porn until He leaves…”

OH. MY. GAWD. I just read Male Offspring #5's "mother's day" comments about Jesus. I am so sorry! I specifically told him to reign in the religious stuff since the majority of my readers are heathens and/or pornographers. But I'm sure it can only get better from there...
Ok onto Male Offspring #4. Oh crap, twine again. The boy sleep, eats and apparently daydreams about twine. I probably should have laid off the alcohol when I was pregnant with him. I’m really seriously going to consider it if I get pregnant again.
I’m not too concerned, though, because Male Offspring #1 has always been one of my staunchest support--that little son of a lifer! I am soooooooo losing the keys to his 1983 station wagon! He knows damn well I have NEVER made them say I was dying of tuberculosis!
That is a blatant lie! It was lung cancer.
God only knows what the girls said about me. They hate me on the *best* of days. Hmm, Female Offspring #4 is definitely getting that bike, even if I have to force her old man to skip one of his support checks to his *other* kids. She deserves it! Female Offspring #5’s response comes as no surprise. She despises the entire planet. Female Offspring #3’s response is typical, too. She often tells me she wishes she lived alone on a remote island. That idea sounds better and better every time I hear it.
Female Offspring #2 isn’t getting her share of food stamps for the month. She can live off her clever repartee.

In my defense let me say this: It's not easy being me.
It seems you blend in with so many other ordinary things
And people tend to pass you over 'cause you're
Not standing out like flashy sparkles in the water or---oh wait a minute.
That's Kermit the Frog's "It's Not Easy Being Green." Never mind.

Saturday, May 13, 2006

this mum's for you

This is Female Offspring #4. I read what my brothers had to say about Mom and it makes me want to puke.
My mom is the best mom in the whole wide world. Say my birthday was coming up in 3 weeks, 2 days, 15 hours and 42 minutes.
If I said, "Mommy, I want a purple Schwinn 24" girls Ranger bike with SRAM grip shifters, Shimano front and rear derailleurs
and Pro Max alloy brake levers and front and rear linear brakes for my birthday," she would scream at my daddy day and night until he bought it for me because she's a GOOD MOM.
Now I'm going to ask my sisters why they love mom.
Female Sibling #3 said, "Get. Out. Of. My. Room. Maggot." I didn't ask Female Sibling #5 because she hates everything, her parents, her face, her hair, and her existence. (She said she hates it here so much some day she's going to go live with her daddy but her daddy's in jail.
I hope she goes and they put her in jail and she never comes back cuz I get her room.)
Female Sibling #2 said, "Well, we haven't seen Child Social Services out here in a month.
I guess that's one thing in her favor." My little sister Female Sibling #7 said she loves Mommy
because "Mommy eats cookies and candy bars" with her.
See? She's a good mom! And Female Sibling#7 said "Mommy takes me on long walks and plays with me all the time".
Oh, right there, she's referring to the neighbor kids mom. My mom doesn't walk. She said it's for poor people and children who don't have Hoverounds.
I asked Female Sibling #8 what she loves about mommy, but she just puked up all over the dog.
We love you Mom! If they don't have purple, I want a blue bike.

Hi, this is Male Offspring #5. I offered to write my mother’s column today so she could spend her time doing nothing, like she does the other six days of the week.
Sure, I could talk about how “splendiferous” my mother is. How “conversant,” “tenacious” and what a “supermom” (huh?) she is, but I’d like to talk about Someone more important: Jesus Christ.
REPENT, SINNERS!! THE TIME IS UPON US!! Accept Jesus as your personal Lord and Savior or suffer the fires of eternal damnation! Stop debasing yourself by fornicating and reading pornography, like my mother’s site. REPENT, I SAY UNTO YOU!!

It’s my turn. This is Male Offspring #4 and on this special Mother’s day, I’d like to talk about something that is very special to me: twine. My heart leaps for joy when I see bits of twine. The feel of it, the coarseness of it, the utter strength. One time my grandma sent me a package that was tied with twine. I was so happy! Last summer I went to see the biggest ball of twine ever and it was a magical experience. My brothers say I’m in love with twine and want to marry twine. They’re stupid. I have pictures of the ball of twine under my mattress, and when no one is around, I take the pictures out and look at them. I daydream about what it would be like to own a ball of twine like that. My brothers don’t know this but I started a ball of twine myself. I keep it next to my ball of aluminum foil and my ball of toothpicks. The ball of toothpicks isn’t working out so well. The ball keeps falling apart. Some day I hope to open a Ball of Twine, Toothpicks and Aluminum Foil museum and forever leave my white trash past behind.

Male Offspring #1 here. Ignore those other two idiots, Jebus Jones and Conway Twiney. This is Mother’s Day and I’m going to talk about our Mom. I’m 22 years old, so, along with Female Offspring #1, we’ve had the most exposure to Mom’s (lack of ) mothering skills. Mom is what we in the trailer court call a “certified loon on a Hoveround.” Her hobbies are eating, cops, cops, and eating. She truly puts the “span” in spandex. She’s hella lazy, too. When my dad called from the state pen the other day, she wouldn’t even drive over to the phone to take his call. And she wouldn’t even applaud after he sang his Mother‘s Day tribute, “you had my baby what a lovely way of showing how much I screwed you.” (Makes me cry every time I hear it. Dad sounds just like Tim McGraw. Too bad he looks like Tim Conway.)
Mom doesn’t respect our privacy either. She’s forever raiding our cigarette and booze stash because she “spent all her money on porn.” Blah, blah. Why can’t she rent porn like other mom’s do? When the young’uns came along, things went from worse to worser. There was this one time my little 3 yr old brother was missing for five days. She didn’t even look for him. She said he was “out trying to find himself.” He found himself all right. Sleeping in the neighbor’s dog pen and scaring the bejebers out of their incontinent Beagle, WeeWee Running. Then there was the time she sent us outside to play with kerosene and matches left over from Y2K. When we accidentally torched three trailers--it was totally bitchin’ man!--she blamed us. She said, “Oh, I can see you accidentally torching ONE trailer, and maybe TWO, but THREE?” Any good mother would have gone to jail for her kids, but not our mom. She not only took us out to the police station, she flirted openly with the cops while they were booking us.
One time she saw Jesus’ face in her Dove chocolate ice cream bar. Did she save it, sell it on eBay and make us all filthy rich? No! She ate it. When we asked her why, she said, “Eh, it wasn‘t the first time I saw Jesus in my food and I‘m sure it won‘t be the last.”
And let’s not even talk about the “games” she’s taught us throughout the years. Games like “Quick! Hide! The Jehovah Witnesses Are At the Door!” or “Quick! Hide! Grandma and Grandpap are at the Door!” or “Quick! Hide! I Told My New BoyFriend I Don’t Have Kids!“
By the time we were five, we all had the bill collector’s phone script memorized. “Mommy can‘t come to the phone. She‘s out selling a kidney for grocery money.” or “My mommy can’t come to the phone right now. She’s in bed...dying of tuberculosis” at which point, she’d cough heavily in the background. When they stopped believing that one we had to say, “My mommy can’t come to the phone right now. She died…..from tuberculosis. No, daddy can’t come to the phone either. He’s picking out her coffin. Maybe when he comes back from burying her in Potter’s Field, he’ll call you.”
Every year at Halloween we have to hand our candy over to her so she can “test it” for razor blades or poison. My mom is the only one who tests for razor blades and poison by eating the candy. One year she bought us each three Halloween costumes. We’d go around the trailer court, fill up a bucket of candy, hand it over to mom, change costumes and do the whole thing over again.
The only thing she cleans is that small space on the mantel where she’s hoping to put her “Mother of the Year” trophy. It ain’t happening!! Besides, she'd probably sell it for cigarettes or booze.

magic carpet ride

Remember (cuz I got it all wrong) TOMORROW starts National Police Week.

WORDS OF WISDOM: "Kids. They're not easy. But there has to be a some penalty for sex." Bill Maher
Thanks, WW!

I am REALLY excited about Sunday's columm now. Male Offspring #4 has offered to help co-write it. Truly amazing.
The boys have never written anything for me before. Except that time they wrote a note to their teacher from "me" telling
her I couldn't come to the school and talk about my "career" because I was dead...

Friday, May 12, 2006

sos means someone come and resuce me

It was bad enough when the stats on Hott Cops was twice as high as those of Blonde Intuition. Now they're THREE TIMES as high. Sigh. If I could only figure out what it was you people were trying to tell me...

I've discovered the perfect way to clear out a room. I walk in and say, "Hey! Which one of you
ingrates is going to write my Mother's Day colum--" and presto! I have the entire room to myself.

I am having a eggcellent day today. I had a lousy night because Holly was sick and much as I hate to admit I'm attached to this dog, when something is wrong with her, I'm as upset as I would if she were one of my many, many offspring. My stomach hurt so badly last night because Mr. G and I decided against going to the on call vet. I was worried we had made the wrong decision. Holly drank some standing water outside and that was the only thing we could connect to her illness because she was fine when I left for work in the morning.
She drank the water and about an hour later began vomiting. Then the sad pooch was sick from both ends and just laying around. She did go for her walk, but she wasn't the least bit excited. I told Mr. G I knew she wasn't feeling very good because she walked like a "normal" dog. LOL. She came in and slept with me until about 10:30 p.m. then she went into the laundry room and slept on her pillow. I kept going down and checking on her. I didn't even get so much as a tail thump when I walked into the room and she's ALWAYS happy to see me.
She wouldn't eat anything, but she was smelling food with interest. Thankfully, today she's about 90% her exuberant self.
The reason we made the call NOT to go to the vet is because it wasn't our vet oncall. There are six or seven vet offices around here and they all take calls for one another. One other time we made the mistake of going to another vet in an emergency and it was a disaster. It was a doctor we had gone to before, but didn't like. She told us our cat would get well and Female Offspring #1 nursed her all summer long. Sadly, she died the morning of the day FO#1 started the 6th grade. I had been talking to her and telling her she had to hurry up and get better because FO #1 wouldn't be around all day to take care of her once school started. It was almost as if she had known. So we called OUR vet and my husband pretty much let him have it. He reviewed her records and said that there were two types of the virus she had, one from which they do recover and one from which they do not. He said he realized right away that she would not have recovered. I felt so badly for FO#1 but most of all Patch because we honestly thought she was going to get better. We never would have put her through all of that suffering for nothing had we known. So when it came to Holly last night, Mr. G and I both agreed that we would have to live with our decision if she worsened during the night. Thank God she didn't!
So I got up this morning, played with Holly a while then went shopping. I bought hanging baskets for the mothers for Sunday and did a bunch of other shopping and errands and now I'm back home with the pooch.

Wow. Male Offspring #5 has OFFERED to write my Mother's Day column, as per The World of Goddess tradition. I'm shocked that ANYONE would offer. Hmmmm.
Right about now I should be trying to figure out his motives, but
it's time for din din AND remember? I gave up thinking the other day. Not to worry. I'm sure it will be spectacular.
Besides, I already gave him the outline. How badly can he screw up? He just has to elaborate on how wonderful
I am, how smart I am, and why I'd be a fabu candidate for Mother of the Year. Hell, I'm even
highlighted all the adjectives that I "strongly suggested" he use in my Thesaurus. I showed him how to ftp AND I even
trusted him with my password.......which I will be changing on Monday.

Thursday, May 11, 2006

the age of aquarius

Now that I've banned all Chia Pets within 500 feet of the trailer and stopped eating sugar--two months and counting, thank you very much--the offspring are having a hard time coming up with something to buy me for Mother's Day.
They told me to come up with three suggestions. They are as follows:
1. Cake
2. Flowers made of cake
3. Chocolate made of cake....and chocolate

Angela writes: "Goddess, I read you bi interview and I have a question. My bf and I broke up two months ago. I strongly believe he's gay. He jokes about having sex with guys (is that normal???) and he kids around all the time but I think he's sereous. My problem is he keeps bothering me.
Calling me, emailing me and such. What should I do?"
My bi interview? I have no idea what that would be except for some interviews I did WITH bi folks.
I guess you're saying that you have no intention of getting back with him? You didn't say whether or not you're
responding to his calls or emails. If you are, I'd stop immediately. He wants your attention and as long as you continue to give it to him, he will continue to bother you. Oh, and as far as joking about having sex with guys, I can honestly say that none of my straight male friends have EVER joked about having sex with another guy, so you can take that anyway you want. Good luck.

Signing autographs and making public appearances now counts as community service for athletes? Wow. Could life GET any tougher for them?
Kurt Busch was given community service because he refused to take a "gay ass" sobriety test after being pulled over by the police.
Throwing out the ceremonial first pitch of a ball game counted as part of his community service. Give me a damn break.

On The Colbert Report, Stephen was making fun of the ridiculous glut of bird flu news stories which point out how horrible it's going to be and how we're all going to die. The Colbert Report worked up their own bird flu graphic and they used the Chicken Dance as their background music.

Here's an interesting programming note. On May 14th,
Comedy Central will have the first television showing of Bad Santa.

Apparently 'interracial' dating is not just for humans anymore. I saw a story on CNN about a bear that was shot in Canada.
While parts of it was white like a Polar Bear, it had the hump, claws and brownish snout of a Grizzly. And oddly enough the brown eye patches of a Grizzly, which looked downright clownish on a Polar Bear.
Hmmm, so I guess it's true. Once you go black (or brown) you never go back. Either that or one of them needs glasses...

OMG. Bush wants his twit of a brother Jeb to run for President?! Puhleeze.
I know it'll never happen, but the only "bush" I want to see in the White House better belong to some chick President.

Several schoolboys aged SIX to EIGHT years old sexually assaulted an eight year old girl at
school in St Louis by fingering her while she struggled to keep her panties on.
Six year old kids are freaking FIRST GRADERS.
My heart just breaks for that little girl, whose life is forever changed by this.
No one will ever be able to convince me that being constantly bombarded by
sexual images and words on tv, in print, and video games is not affecting our youth in a horribly negative way.
The Christian watchdog groups don't even need to point a finger at the porn industry, they only need to turn on the television or radio.
The kids idolize these rappers who hate on women and see them as nothing more than a means to their sexual fulfillment.
And it's in their homes daily courtesty of music video stations.
And it just pisses me off that people do not get that their young minds can't properly assimiliate the sort of material that adults can.
No need to be responsible about what you're putting out there, as long as you can make a quick buck. That's all that counts.

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

i was fine before you walked into my life

I was listening to the radio on the way to work this morning and I heard a commercial for patents. The guy in the commercial said, "I'm through thinking!" Finally, a kindred spirit. I, too, am through with thinking. Thinking is highly overrated. I mean, you have to do it almost every day! Now I know a lot of you thought I was through with thinking a long time ago, not so. But, I AM giving it up now. Thank you for your (non)support. I'm sure this won't affect my site in any way.

I was listening to one of the contests they had on the radio this morning and the question was, "What does the police signal 10-1 mean?" Weak signal. 10-4 means over and out, and 10-13 means "do me, Goddess." Anywho, one guy called in and said 10-1 meant "meet me at the donut shop," and another guy said 10-1 meant "save me one of those donuts with sprinkles."

I caught the cover of O Magazine this morning at the checkout. Oprah is now showing off her brand new home in Hawaii. For someone who insists it isn't about the "stuff", she is amazingly ALL about the "stuff."

Oprah was talking about my favorite subject yesterday. No, not porn. Ok, my second favorite subject: marriage.
Lance Armstrong's wife was on talking about how she "lost herself" when she got married. At one point Oprah said, "It's expected that you (women) sacrifice yourself to a man when you get married. That is why I never got married." That is such BULLSHIT. When you are in a long term relationship, such as the one she has, she might as well BE married, so get over the damn drama already. I'm so sick of these women getting on tv and whining, "Nobody told me marriage would be like this." What in the world did they think it would be like? I think shows like this add to misperceptions surrounding marriage. Oprah with her "he's leading a double life/he cheated on me" horror shows don't help matters either. She gets her experts on there talking about how marriage is "hard" and how you have to "work at it 24/7." I don't know anybody who wants to work at anything 24/7. Most of the shows on marriage are negative ones that belabour scenarios in which the guy is cheating or leading a secret gay life or a spouse murderer. Sure these things happen to SOME people. They give all the press to the negative aspects of marriage and then sit with their thumbs up their asses going, "I don't why people have such misconceptions about marriage."
I never hear that marriage is a wonderful journey with someone who loves us and supports our goals.
My cousin got married and two weeks later the idiot chick left him because she "didn't think it was going to be like this." Turns out she was on the rebound from a fight with HER GIRLFRIEND and she married him to spite said gf. So I guess she didn't think her marriage was going to involve a penis.
On the show they featured a woman who has a $60k wedding planned and it's a month away. Although she's having second and third thoughts, she feels that's too much money to throw away. What the HELL are these people thinking?! She raves on and on about how wonderful he is, BUT she's afraid of losing herself, blah blah. If it's not what you want, DON'T. GET. MARRIED. You wouldn't buy a car you didn't want.
What does everyone insist that marriage has to be "hard"? Who were their role models? And why do these women insist they have to give up everything they love? Lance Armstrong's wife gave up everything she was willingly and hello! ended up DIVORCED.
So I guess that's not the way it is at all.
The first chick's fiancé was just sitting there talking about how he loves her and supports her. Dude, puhleeze. She came right out and said the $60k is the reason she's not backing out of the wedding. She's on the fence. How can you walk into that situation knowing that you're putting time and effort into the relationship and at some point it's inevitable that she finally admits to herself that it wasn't what she wanted? Sad to say, but IMHO, the bf had "weenie" written all over him by the time show was over. There comes a point when you just have to be a man. If she's whining about how she doesn't think it's what she wants, move on. She kept going on and on about how being married was what she always wanted and maybe it is, but maybe he's not THE ONE and that's why she's having so many second thoughts.
Personally I would not go on a national television show like that so my S.O. could tell the world that he wasn't sure he wanted to marry me.
Hell, it would be about as fun as being on a date with a guy and having to listen to him blabber on and on about his ex wives. No one should have to endure that crap.

Does anybody have satellite radio? I hear it's pretty good. 24 hours a day, no commercials, no
interruptions...unless you go through a car wash or under a bridge.

all cops...all the time

Check out this incredibly funny police comic strip, written by an officer.
Make SURE you check out the kids letters and press sections on the site. They're both hysterical.

Oooooooooo, man, I can't even THINK about this without getting a butt ache. On an upcoming COPS (May 20th) ep taped in--sigh--Pittsburgh, a
drug suspect attempts to hide HIS NEEDLES IN HIS ANUS. And--you guessed it--one comes UNCAPPED. UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!
And a full hour of new segments. What a great birthday present!

A big THANKS to Jay for sending this link. Check out channel 43, cop lovers. Hell, I'm already hooked!

Monday, May 08, 2006

i am over here looking at you, you are over there watching me too

Ahh such is the life of inept criminals. A bunch of teens robbed a local store and in the process
took a bunch of lottery tickets. They went to the closest (in)convenience store where SEVERAL COPS WERE HAVING COFFEE
(anybody hear a "DUH" coming?) and tried to turn a bunch of them in at one time. Hello, metal bracelets. Isn't that shitty luck, though? The one time ya win big and it's on stolen tickets.

I was telling Mr. G that my sister wanted us to come visit her in North Carolina. He said, "How would we ever travel with Holly?" I said, "Honey, the only way we could travel with her is if she's zoned out on tranquilizers." He said, "It's possible to get dog tranquilizers? What are we waiting for? Let's get some for her now!" Ahh, yes, wouldn't doggie Valium be great? Then not only could *we* be addicted, our pets could be junkies, too.

I read an article in the paper yesterday that said Israel's Mossad secret service agency killed a Palestinian wanted for airplane highjackings by feeding him poisoned Belgian chocolate. OMG. If poisoned chocolate is how the government is killing people now, I'm a goner. As well as every other woman in the country.

I saw an old ep of the Drew Carey show in which Oswald was a cop, and he was sent on an undercover assignment as a student to the local high school to find out who was using drugs. It shows him walking down the hall,
baseball hat on backwards but he's still wearing his police uniform. LOL! He comes back to
the station to report that "absolutely no one in high school is using drugs". Then it shows him trying to infiltrate the mob, and he's wearing a hat and again, his police uniform. He says, "A cop? Would a cop wear a fedora?" and they shoot him....LOL.

hey everybody! we're all gonna get laid!

Writing in my daily journal has been something that I've always enjoyed doing. Before the computer, I used paper and pen, writing down my thoughts, not feeling the need to be right or wrong. Hell, I'm not even feeling the need to worry about facts. After all, it's my journal, not some Pulitzer Prize winning writing that I'm getting paid for. But, over the weekend it occured to me that if you're one of those people who feel the need to
constantly pick apart everything bloggers say as if they're in some sort of writing contest and you're
the sole judge (and jury), then it might be time for you to get a blog of you own and put your own thoughts down on the net so people can begin telling you what they think of your writing.

At the beginning of Worlds Wildest Police Videos, John Bunnell
says "I travel all over the world to find the wildest police videos..." Yeah, sure ya do, John.
But that *would* explain the funky "tan".

I like the advertising slogan for one local hospital: "We treat you like family." That's weird.
No one in my family ever charged me $650 a day to sleep in one of their beds....

How un-bear-able. Did you know that Beijing charge U.S. zoos a rental fee of $1 million dollars
each year for a pair of pandas? They also charge an extra $600k for every cub born here.
The "panda tax" nets them over $4 million dollars each year. Here's another interesting tidbit: pandas cost five times more in upkeep
than the elephant, the next most expensive animal. Ya know what amazes me about bears? The fact that they get so incredibly BIG eating nuts and berries and plants like bamboo. Wait. Do bears eat nuts? Eh, I've never worried about getting the facts right before, why start now?

I was checking my voice mail at home from work today and I got a message from my gf who said, "Call me back IMMEDIATELY!!" in her "I'm pissed" tone of voice. Now usually when I get these kinds of calls, be it from her, other friends, offspring, my parents, husband, I always hesitate. I mean if they're in a pissed off mood, why do *I* want to talk to them? And are they pissed off about something *I* did? Because then I *really* don't want to talk to them. I waited a good hour then called her back. The conversation went something like this....
Me: "What did you want?"
Her: "You and those DAMN cops!"

Me: "What?"
Her: "I said you and those DAMN cops! They stopped me on the way to work and gave me a ticket for going 35 in a school zone."
Me: "Ok, exactly how would me DISliking the police change the outcome of that scenario?"
Her, still deep in her 'I've been wronged' mode: "It's BULLSHIT."
Me: "Well, were you going 35 in a school zone?"
Her: "That's not the point! He could have given me a warning."
Me in my 'I've totally zoned out on this conversation' mode: "Whatever you say..."

They were discussing the book, "The Scorecard: How To Fix Your Man in One Year or Less" on the Today Show. This is exactly the sort of thinking that gets women in trouble. The blurb says, "Have you ever found yourself wondering What happened to the man I fell in love with? and How can I get him back?" To me, that's the problem in a nutshell. Rarely is the man we fell in love with the REAL man. We fantasize and idealize and ignore even their most blatant of faults, because "we're in looooooooove." When we're married to them and living with them, reality hits and then we feel we have to "fix" him. If you have an overwhelming need to "fix" someone, work on yourself. Trust me, it'll be a lot less stressful.

Bugs' writes: "The Cincy Reds were actually called the Redlegs and then were shortened to the Reds. Then during the McCarthy era, they went to the Redstockings. Then later, back to the Reds. At least, I think that's the timeline. I know they used all of those names at one point or another, but I may have mixed up the order.They were also the first professional baseball team in the United States, that is why they ALWAYS play at home on Opening Day."
Hmm, interesting. I didn't know any of that. But smart move on their part to change that "Redstockings" name...LOL.
Bugs then adds: "BTW--I could kick your ass at Jeopardy any day of the week and twice on Sunday. :)"
Gurl, a FOURTH GRADER could kick my ass at Jeopardy any day of the week and twice on Sundays...

I thought the diet industry was mean and cruel when it insinuates that we women aren't thin enough or good enough, but WOW the latest Nutri System ads REALLY do a number on the guys. The guys are saying things like, "My sex life is back!" and "My sex life is better than ever now!" And did you see that Zora chicks new Nutri System ad, the one in which she features her toddler daughter. The child has like five hairs and they've pulled them all to the top of her head Alfalfa style. Who would do that to their kid?! You just know that kids going to require extensive therapy.

Ooooooooo, I got a Final Jeopardy question right immediately yesterday!! (Doesn't take much to excite me.) The question concerned major baseball league team names. The question was "They got their name in 1890 when they stole a major player from another team." I'm all "THE PITTSBURGH PIRATES!!" I mean, who else? Sure the Cardinals could peck your eyes out or the Giants could kick your ass, and the Astros could......could...what the hell IS an astro anyway? The point is none of them were thieves or "pirates" stealing the booty.
The one guy said, "The Red Sox" because of Babe Ruth. The worst the Red Sox could do is smell like feet.
It was cool to stumble across this question because I've often wondered how the Pirates got their name and even Mr. G didn't know.