Friday, April 14, 2006

when all you got to keep is strong move along move along like i know you do

In keeping with the Steak and BlowJob day that we celebrated last month, today is Cake and Cunnilingus day.
Now that's a day we can ALL get behind! Belly up to the "bar," gentleman! If next month isn't about Ménage Trois Day, I'm going to be bitterly disappointed.
Thanks so much for letting me know, Robert. The day could have passed without me getting either one!

I was watching a police show and they showed a prank they pulled on one officer. A rookie officer and his superior pulled up to a van with a mime clown inside. The rookie tried to talk to the mime and when he wasn't responding, his superior said, "You have to talk to him in mime," which he then proceeded to do. The funniest part was when the superior officer told the rookie, "Mime him his rights." LOL. The rookie was like, "What?!" He then began miming the guy's rights. It's funny when you hear a cop say, "You have the right to remain silent" to a mime...

Some people are more ways than one. I was listening to a news story about a man
who killed his wife because she wouldn't reheat his dinner in the microwave. First he threw the mikey at her,
then he proceeded to stomp on her until she was dead. When he couldn't get a pulse, he sat down
and drank a beer before going next door to tell the neighbors what he had done.

Stephen Colbert: "Here's she is receiving some sort of plaque from a gentleman in Iraq.
Not sure what it is, but I believe she was voted "Least Likely To Return to Iraq."

I have a dark secret that I've been keeping for the last three days, but I can't STAND IT. I have to confess and get this off my chest. On Wednesday
when I was on my way to work, I was involved in a hit and run accident. No, I wasn't hit. I did the hitting
and the subsequent running, and I feel awful about it.
But I'm terrified to face the family, so I can't come forward. I am constantly looking over my shoulder,
wondering if the police know what kind of car was involved in the accident.
This is what happened. I was running late for work and I was speeding.
I rounded the corner and right in front of me was a chipmunk, happily eating an acorn in the middle of the street....the idiot.
Doesn't he know he's supposed to store them in some unsuspecting family's chimney?!
Before I could even think about applying the brakes, I heard an ominous "splattttttttttt." Did I try to contact his family? No. The minute I realized I couldn't get a pulse, I KEPT DRIVING. And for that I can't forgive myself. On a totally unrelated note,
we had chipmunk soup and dumplings the other night for supper. Delish!

Here's one movie I DEFINITELY WON'T BE SEEING EVER....Snakes on a Plane.

Ok, I'm totally hooked on "Move Along" by All American Rejects.

Eric writes: "Goddess,
You do know the real connection, don't you? Eggs and the Resurrection
both symbolize the (re)birth of life in the springtime.
I understand there were dozens of similar stories of resurrected saviors
in various cultures, and all were celebrated at this time of year."
I guarontee she enjoyed the free range chicken story better than she would have that one...

I HATE that commercial on the radio for sumdum debt relief program. The guy says, "I was $30k in debt, and now, a year and a half later, I owe the credit card companies nothing!" Yeah, probably declared bankruptcy. As if that isn't ridiculous enough--because if you HAD an extra $30k laying around, wouldn't you be smart enough to apply it to your credit card debt yourself?--he then goes on to say, "I'll have my mortgage paid off in two years AND it's a 30 year mortgage." Again, I don't believe a word of it.

New drinking game, kids. Take a shot every time Oprah says, "huuuuuge," "eye opening," "light bulb moment" or every time she does the "claw hand" thing when she's emphasizing. Guarantee you'll be drunk before the hour is over.

Damn cable company bought out my ISP. I swear to God if they get rid of dial up or raise the cost, I'M KICKING ASS. I'm fed up with these monopolies. First of all, the city made it so that only one cable company could come in her and now they're buying up internet competition. Just like credit card companies. Five years ago, there were ten companies that had most of the cc business, now there are half that amount.

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