Tuesday, April 04, 2006

welcome to the real world she said to me condescendingly

I've been giving this a lot of thought and I think the police have it in for me. I mean, let's think about it. I steal my Hoveround out of the police impound lot and I get caught and ticketed for it. The twit that drove their power chair to Dollar General got a prime parking space. I tried to drive my Hoveround to work and again, got stopped by the police. The twit that drove their power chair to Dollar General got a hefty discount on Depends and duct tape. A group of us trailer courters tried to drag race our Hoverounds and Scooters throughout the trailer court one night, and again, who was the only one who the police hunted down like a DOG?!
(Well, ok, walked beside me, tapping me on the shoulder. UNNECESSARILY, I might add!!) Moi. Just because I've broken a few laws, that is NO REASON for the cops to stop me and ruin my entire life....ok the part of my life that I haven't ruined through drugs, alcohol and childbirth.

I was watching some vids over on youtube and there's a chick on there who enjoys dancing and pretty much just showing off. Apparently some of the people commenting aren't that wild about her dancing "skills," or her ass for that matter. One person posted, "you have a fat ass and you can't dance." Ok, so this chick then makes a video in which she says she "doesn't give a FUCK" what people think about her. She goes on to say that those who are making rude comments are either, "fat asses, 30 year olds" (yeah, we all know how bitter 30 yr olds can be) and "people who can't dance." She continues, "Why else would you take the time to post rude comments?" Oh, I don't know for sure, but I'm guessing it's for the same reason she took the time to make a video saying she didn't give a FUCK about what they thought.

My sister sent me another one of those ridiculous emails in which people swear on the Bible that what they're about to say is the truth, then they level a ton of bullshit on you. This one concerned a guy who told a woman she dropped $5 and tried to get her to lower her window to hand it to her. Now it's always the same thing with these emails. The woman is always so much more clever than the guy, she figures out that it's a trick and later finds out she narrowly avoided a serial killer. GUH.
So here is MY "it happened to me" email. Copy and paste this to all your friends with the words "SCARY!! IT COULD HAPPEN TO YOU!!" in the subject line. Let's see if I can start my own "urban legend." I am firmly convinced of ONE THING: the people who pass these stupid emails along, don't even read them. Help prove me right.
"Friday started out like any other day. I had a job interview to go to and instead of getting the job, I learned an even more important lesson in personal safety. As you no doubt know by now, there is a serial killer loose in Tennesse.
Of course, I live in Pennsylvania, but I've noticed that serial killers have a tendency to travel.
I went to my job interview around 10 a.m. and immediately noticed I was the only person in the waiting room, besides the secretary.
My intuition was on high alert.
I was called into the office and found myself across the desk from a very clean cut, well dressed man. He shook my hand, then asked me if I wanted coffee. I knew better than to accept a drink from a strange man because of date rape drugs, so I declined. Even though he looked nice, he could have been a serial rapist! I had to be careful.
The interview began and seemed to be going well, until he asked me to do something so disgusting and so vile that I still get nauseated when I think about it. He looked at my ever burgeoning bosom, my black lacy bra that was visible through my shirt and he asked me if I would be willing to............WORK HARD. Excuse me?! I have NEVER worked hard in my life and I'm not about to start now!
I slapped him and ran out of the office. I drove straight to the local police department, talked to their detective and filled out a report. The sooner they get perverts like this off the street, the safer we'll all be!
I still wonder what might have happened to me had I said "yes." Would I have become independently wealthy and able to get off the welfare system? Next thing you know, I would become responsible for supporting myself. I shudder to think! Forward this to everyone you know....so they, too can avoid this horrible trap.

P.S. Ladies, really DO forward this to EVERYONE you know on who is sucking the government's welfare teat. Even if this man wasn't a serial killer, he looked nice, he seemed polite, HE WAS OBVIOUSLY MENTALLY UNSTABLE if he thought I was going to do a lick of hard work!!!"

*****


This is perfect for Alex...and probably South, too. And any other self promoting whores. Go to this McDonald's website
and send in your digital picture, along with your story and you could be featured on McDonald's packaging.
Who wouldn't like to see South's mug on their deep fried cherry pie?
I'm not exactly sure what they're looking for in way of a story, but I'd find a way to slip the phrases, "I heart artery clogging cholesterol, " and
"Mmmm, mmmm fat laden french fries" into the story.

Willard Scott was on the Today Show today urging everyone to "plant a potato" because if you do "nice things will happen to you."
Weird. I planted a potato and all I got was... a potato. Duh. And even then *I* had to dig it up! What the hell?

Your daily hee haw:
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing
and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

A big THANK YOU to Zal for helping me get the link crap off my pictures on my Hott Cops blog!! His time and patience is muchly appreciated.
My Hott Cops blog looks sooooo much better with pics.

If I wasn't afraid it would get stolen, I'd carry my digital camera with me at all times. I miss out on some good pics. Like today, I went to Dollar General and parked RIGHT OUTSIDE--and I mean like four inches away--the door is a power chair with a Jesus fish on it.
That struck me as *extremely* hilarious. First of all, if you can't walk to the point that you need a power chair, how the hell can you leave it OUTSIDE the store? The doorway was definitely wide enough to get it through. Secondly, what's to stop someone from just hoisting the chair into their Kia...I mean, truck and taking it home with them? You can tell I live in a pretty safe town.
And who in the *world* puts a Jesus fish on a power chair?! Oh, schure I have the "Satan On Board"
and "Extra Wide Load" stickers on mine, but that's *different*.
The bratty offspring slapped those on with some super duper adhesive glue.
BUT that chair HAD to be driven on/along the highway considering
where the store is located. And yet, NO ARRESTS WERE MADE!!! Grrrrrr.....

I'm kinda pissed about something. I shelled out $29 for a CD and the speaker mentioned several techniques
you were supposed to do during her talk, but didn't bother to include a friggin' instruction booklet or paper demonstrating said techniques.
I'm sure it's in the book she wrote, but damned if I'm shelling out money for that, too. At one point, she said, "Touch the space above your eyebrow." Do you know how much space is between your eyebrow and your hairline?! Where EXACTLY are we supposed to touch?! And what about the people with HUGE foreheads? Not that I'm one, but I worry about them. And the bald guys whose hairline starts waaaaay, waaay back? If I don't know where to touch, they'll be freaking LOST.

Yesterday afternoon it was a sunny and beautiful 62° and the next thing ya know,
we had a tremendous hail storm. Must be God sending His wrath down on all the gays again.

No comments: