Tuesday, April 04, 2006

there you go looking pitiful just because i let you go

MSN is running an article on how to know whether or not your guy is ready to get married. The four signs that he is not ready are: says he has no interest in tying the knot, buys high end items like Porsches, calls his married friends "losers," and continually makes you cry. I firmly believe that it doesn't much matter HOW a man responds because women only hear what they want to. I swear the guy could scream, "For the love of God, NO, I DONT WANT TO GET MARRIED!!" on a Jumbotron and the chick would be all, "he says that, but he doesn't really mean it. He's got 'the look'." Yeah, it's called 'dread 'n fear.'

Bugzzz writes: "Methinks your local cops are after you because they haven't made the Hott Cops Of The Day list yet."
Ya know, she might be on to something. But upon which local cop should I bestow this impressive honor?
The lesbian? The one that's nearing 70 years of age? Or the one that spent ten minutes the other
day trying to decide between Pepsi, Lemon Pepsi or Diet Pepsi at the soda machine? Or maybe even the one who's always on my front porch hanging onto Male Offspring #1, saying, "Does this belong to you?" Juuust once, I'm gonna say, "Nope. Never saw him before in my life."
Ya know ya set three or four or fifteen fires and automatically you're pegged an "arsonist." It ain't fair I tells ya.
But that about makes up our "force." Frightening, isn't it?

We were talking about our soap opera pet peeves over on the forum and I gotta admit, this is one that drives me nuts. Person A will come to see Person B at Person B's home. Person B will then LEAVE the house while Person A is still standing in their living room like an idiot. Who *does that* in real life?! I've never even left my house with one of my sisters still in it. If I'm leaving, it's a sure bet they're leaving BEFORE I do.

I was watching Drew Carey yesterday and once again the absuridity of it hit me. Only on television do guys like Drew Carey get chased by hot chicks like Cynthia Watros. And only on television would a guy like him be totally indifferent to her.

I love it when guys write articles for chicks talking about what men like. They're so very clever. One article which was about "melting his heart," says, "Sex should be involved, almost always." Frankly I'm suprised he didn't just say, "If you want to get a guy to like you, blow jobs should be involved, almost always." Then he drops the oh so ingenius line, "He'll feel closer to you." Well of course he will. Can't get much closer than on top of ya.
Of course he mentions the all important lingerie in the same paragraph, but stopped short of the five inch black stiletto heels.
Way to push your agenda, guys! I bow before you in your genius and kiss your smelly feet.

And if I read one more article on healthy snacking that suggests you have "five almonds" to cut hunger, I'm going to hurl.
Five POUNDS maybe, but not five friggin' nuts.

No comments: