Sunday, April 30, 2006

its got nothing to do with me

Where oh where have I gone wrong with you people???!! Check out this email from Eric:
"Hi Goddess, Had a great time today at the antiwar march in NYC. I saw plenty of
creative signs that you'd probably like, but I'll mention this one: a
button reading "I female orgasm." And what else can one do but
heart it when a hot blonde is wearing it?"
Now I ask you, do you people see ANY mention of the words "I took pics of the NYPD for you" in that email??
None. Nada. Zip. Zilch.
Evidently I have not talked about my love of cops ENOUGH.

Bugzzz writes: "The next time I see a gaggle of our bald, overweight, sweating (not the sexy sweating...I'm talking exhertion sweating) cops, I'll be sure to send photos."
I'll be checking my email every day, thanks.
Everybody SAYS their cops are out of shape, then I go online and find all these gorgeous guys in uniform! They're living *somewhere* damn it.
Speaking of which, one of our grocery stores was robbed last night and I was out there buying cheese. I picked up some of that L of L ya mentioned, turned to look over my right shoulder and there is one of OUR fabulous cops striding down the aisle. Thank God I was wearing my sun glasses. After he passed, I oogled his ass the whole way down the aisle. Oh, and admired him for the fine job he was doing..............filling out the seat of those tight pants.

Saturday, April 29, 2006

i love you, is that ok?

So I was reading Frank's letter over on South's page about the fishing trip he took. Frank and
I were locked in mortal combat over who was going to go on the trip.
(Sssshhhh, it's a lie, but it adds drama)
Ok, what concerns me the most about his letter is that not once did Frank mention where he parked his Hoveround.
Not once did he talk about whether South bitched about the skid marks his Hoveround made on the deck. And not
once did Frank mention whether anyone on board lured him from his beloved Hoveround, then grabbed it and dangled it precariously over the edge of the boat to taunt him because damn it, that just sounds like something South would do to me!
It's almost like Frank---and I hate to even think this, let alone SAY it--WALKED everywhere, using his LEGS. WTH?!

Here's a neat little tool to find out if someone is stealing your content.

Ooooooooooo Rush Limbaugh was arrested for being a dope!!!
Oooops, sorry. For HAVING dope.

WHAT?! Are you KIDDING ME??!! This is so WRONG. You don't sue someone when they paddle you. You THANK them!
Granted the baby food and diapers thing is more than a bit weird and disgusting and I'm wondering how in the world they convinced adults to go along with that program,
but what I wouldn't give for a boss who paddled me.....sigh.
I remember reading about this attorney who would spank his secretaries.
Lordy, I still think about it.......................when I'm jilling off.

Well I found out today that bubble wrap and duct tape don't make acceptable knee pads either, according to da law.
Personally I find them extremely comfortable and I don't even use them for biking...

OMG. If Bugzzz hadn't sent me this link, I wouldn't have believed it.
(Pssst. I still didn't believe her) Babs has truly lost her mind.
Starr's not going to like her because Starr doesn't like anyone WITH A SENSE OF HUMOR.
And oh, UGH, it's official cuz they just announced it on the Emmy's.

Speaking of the Emmy's ABC's coverage absofreakingluely SUCKED. As if adding filler wasn't bad enough,
they went outside to the "fan zone" after every winner was announced and to introduce all the nom's for best actor and best actress.

Friday, April 28, 2006

it was only a kiss

Ya know what I was thinking about today? I was thinking about songs that I learned for school programs when I was a small child that I still remember so well. And yet I can't remember yesterday. Go figger. The one song that I remember was about the Titanic and it that went like this, "They made the ship Titanic to sail the ocean blue saying 'here's one ship that the water won't go through,' but the Lord He raised His hands and said it wasn't true, it was sad when the great ship went down. Oh, it was sad, it was sad, it was sad when the great ship went down to the bottom of the --" and then one group of kids would sing "seeeaaaaa," while the others were singing, "The husbands and the wives and the children lost their lives, it was sad when the great ship went down." Pretty uplifting song for a bunch of 2nd graders, huh? Gotta love them nuns and their positive outlook on life. Another one of my favorites was "Spoonful of Sugar," which might explain my sugar addiction to this day. "Just a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down in the most delightful way." So what's one weird, quirky thing you remember from childhood?

I spent a better part of the morning cooking and a better part of the afternoon coloring my singed eyebrows back on. Good times. Good times.

Once again, Blogger is being a perfect c-u-n-t. GRRRRRR. First of all, I changed the template on my hott cops blogger and forgot to save the stats code, so I had to redo all that. Then the change caused me to lose all my links. Now I keep trying to add links and I'm not able to do it. I had about 7 or 8 of them, then I realized I'd forgotten a couple, but when I tried to add them, it was a no go and I've gone over the html code about 50 times so I know it's correct.

Some ministers got together on Pennyslvania Avenue and prayed for "divine intervention" in the gas crisis.
**Crossing my fingers this means Jesus is going to come down to Earth
with a bucket load of money to pay for our gas**

CD of the day is The Killers "Hot Fuss." Repeat song of the day is Mr. Brightside.

Call me old fashioned, call me pre-menstrual, but I *hate* it when a guy calls his wife, "the old lady."
This morning I was outside and I said to the neighbor guy, "Do you have any idea where I can
buy wooden clothes props?" He said, "I don't know. My old lady wants me to get some for her and I can't find them."
"Old lady" has "redneck" written all over it.

Ok, the deadline has been set. I am biting the bullet! By the end of my seven days off,
I will have decided what I'm going to enter into the Writer's Digest Writing Contest. (Or not...)

Thursday, April 27, 2006

i dont wanna hear that you adore me

Once again I opened the door to find the police on my front stoop, and once again, it was not
the one, cute officer on the force. It was the one that's old enough to be my grandpa's grandpa.
I said, "Ok, what did I do now?"
He said, "Ma'am, you need to buy your children some regulation bike helmets. It's the law."
I was flabbergasted. I said, "Um, hello? They *have* bike helmets. I made sure they were wearing them when they left the trailer this morning."
He said, "Ma'am, putting bubble wrap around their heads and securing it with duct tape is NOT the same as a regulation bike helmet."
I'm like, "What?! I even stuffed some of those styrofoam peanuts in under the bubble wrap as extra protection!"

On CNN yesterday, they showed a video of two young girls beating the snot out of each other. The video was posted on MySpace and apparently one of the girl's mothers was standing there watching the beating take place. Yet another contenduh for the Mother of the Year award. They showed the video and the anchor said, "Wow. That's pretty difficult to watch" as they proceeded to replay it every half hour.

Good news, kids. The Pittsburgh Pirates are off today. Thank God.

I do *not* want to hear about this newer, even *higher* high speed that is being introduced.
Called "internet 2," it can boost capacity up to 80 TIMES the current level. Hell, I'd just be happy to get internet ONE around here.

Yikes, I knew I was tired when I was chatting with Mike South last night, but I didn't realize *how* tired. He mentioned some cop friend of his and told me where to (not) look for pictures of him. So I was on this fishing forum--yeah the actually have those, believe it or not--and I was reading through some of the sn's, because I enjoy seeing what people come up with. One person's was "dewyafish," and I'm sitting there going "dewy a fish? what the hell is dewy a fish?!" LOL....actually it's a cool know, when I figured out it was actually dew ya fish. I admit, while I love reading sn's and vanity license plates, I'm lousy at figuring them out. I remember the first time I saw "2 good 2 B forgotten" I was thinking "the number 2 good the number 2 letter B forgotten"....huh?!

This is a tad strange to me. I was looking for a new forum to join since the COPS forum got so freaky. WW told me about another forum and I signed up there, but haven't posted. I've just been lurking around. Now I didn't pay much attention to the row of boxes on the person's posts because I ASSumed it was similiar to one we use on the Y&R forum. The longer you're on the forum, the more
stars or hearts you get and they also change colors when you reach different levels of posts. If you cause trouble you get a little orange square beneath your name, five orange squares and you're history.
Anywho, on this LEO forum they have what's called a "reputation system, and it consists of ten boxes. This is what it says, "Generally, a member with a green bar is over all well liked by most members, while someone with a red rep bar is generally disliked or disagreed with often." WTH? You get a negative reputation because people don't agree with what you've posted? Then it goes on to say this--which sounds like it's right out of a freaking video game rules list: "Generally, a reputation is given to someone not just when you agree or disagree with their post (although that is what the rep box itself states), but when when someone posts something extraordinarily good, or extremely stupid."
{"Extremely stupid"? By whose standards?}
"To see who has rep'd you, click on User CP (User Control Panel). You will see which user has rep'd you, if it was a positive or negative rep, and the comment, if any, that they provided. Here's how everything else works: Default Reputation What reputation level shall new users receive upon registration? 10 Register Date Factor For every X number of days, users gain 1 point of reputation-altering power. 30 Post Count Factor For every X number of posts, users gain 1 point of reputation-altering power. 5 Reputation Point Factor For every X points of reputation, users gain 1 point of reputation-altering power. 10 Minimum Post Count How many posts must a user have before his reputation hits count on others? 50 Until a member reaches 50 posts, their reputation will be sent to another member as a bluish-grey color, whether they agree or disagree with the post. During this time the member also cannot influence the other member's reputation level until they've reached 50 posts. Minimum Reputation Count How much reputation must a user have before his reputation hits count on others? 10 Daily Reputation Clicks Limit...." Further down it says if you link to the site, you get 1000 reputation points or if you refer someone you get 500 points. Unless I can freaking turn these points in for candy or prizes, forget it. I find this whole rating people's reputations on whether you usually agree or disagree with them pretty funny considering THIS statement: "Unlike most L.E. websites, the staff at values your right to "free speech. We are not here to babysit you, moderate you, or treat you like children" Really? Cuz it sure as hell sounds like it. They value "free speech"? I guess, as long as it's not "extremely stupid".
Judging someone's posts where everyone can see is unfair, IMHO, because some people are going to be influenced by that, instead of forming their own opinions.

Bugzzz writes: "That forum sounds like you've been transported back to high school."
It's a bit bizarre....

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

all hail the glorious hump day

I read the family members of the Flight 93 crash victims are in Washington lobbying for $10 million dollars for a permanent memorial in Shanksville. If this does go through, I HOPE, HOPE, HOPE they build a LIVING memorial with plants and trees and a peaceful garden family members can walk through and relax in and NOT a memorial made of glass or brick or steel.

I saw the funniest thing today on a police vids show. A guy was so damn drunk he put one of those orange highway cones on his head and was dancing around...oy. Alcohol. It does an idiot good.

Did you hear about the seance with John Lennon that took place last night? John said, "Peace....the message is peace." Wow. That was well worth the pay per view fee. I mean you can't make up awe inspiring shit like that! John also said, "Nobody told me there'd be days like this" and "imagine my surpise to find there IS a hell below us."

I was watching the Today Show this morning briefly before work and Katie Couric was interviewing Kaavya Viswanathan, the Harvard sophmore who is at the center of a plagiarism conflict. She is accused of stealing some of the works of Megan F. McCafferty and passing them off as her own. She insists she's innocent. What got my attention was when Katie Couric said to her, "Now I'm going to read some more examples (of the alleged plagiarism) and I know this must be embarrassing and painful for you." But I'm gonna do it anyway....let the shaming begin.

This is exactly why I'm sorry to see the Flight 93 movie come out. As I've stated before the plane went
down about 30 minutes from where I live. On last night's news the anchor was talking about the movie and
he said, "Soon the area will see what really happened." Hollywood doesn't know what REALLY happened,
even though the director insists it's the truth. It can only be pieced together truth with fictional shit tossed in as filler.
Maybe it's just me, but if one of my relatives had been on that plane, I would NOT want to see a Hollywood version
of their terror and fear played out on a wide screen. That would be too painful to even think about. Asked why they cooperated with
Hollywood in making this movie, several of the deceased's relatives said they knew the film would be made regardless and
they felt that cooperating was the only way they could be sure that the parts they knew to be true were depicted properly.

Damn it. The Enforcer came up with an excellent name for Clucker McDucker that I hadn't even thought of: muthaclucker!
Then all I could think about was that stupid song, "Up against the wall, muthaclucker..."

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

dont you wish i'd take you back

Martha Stewart is planning a new magazine aimed at YOUNG, modern, multitasking women, between the ages of 25 and 45. It's a magazine that will show women "how to do things." (Could we be more vague?) No word on whether or not one of those "things" will be how to land your ass in jail.
And HA! The bitch is too damn old for her own magazine. YES the fact that she insinuated anyone OVER the age of 45 is old STUNG!!

Today I heard one of the best excuses ever as to why a girl gave a cop the wrong birth date. First she said she was nervous and "forgot" her birthdate and last name, then she said, "My birth certificate is really wrinkled you can't tell the date."

I'm pissed that a local company is not living up to it's ads. It said, "We GUARANTEE we can get rid of anyone's pests."
So I called and explained to him about the pests I've been dealing with for years, and how I just can't seem to shake them no matter what I try. He listened patiently, then finally said, "Ma'am, I'm no expert, but I think you should just have your tubes tied." I said, "Hey, I have a better idea, how 'bout I close the barn door after the horses are out?!" Sigh. He was no help whatsoever.

maybe i shouldn't think of you as mine

I stopped in to see Clucker McDucker last night. I want to see what the animal is like before he's totally traumatized beyond repair. I felt sorry for the poor little thing. To live in a trailer where kids are constantly chasing you around screaming, "Clucker! Clucker! Come here!"
It was all I could do not to toss the duck a couple of my Valium.

I was watching one of those police chase shows and the cops pulled a 17 year old girl over for erratic driving. They found out that she was stinking drunk to boot. The trooper cuffed her and locked her into his vehicle and when he went back to deal with her passenger, the idiot climbs into the front seat and drives off with the cruiser! She really made them work to catch her, too, as drunk as she was and while driving handcuffed.

Maury Povich is being sued for allegedly having an affair with one of the producers of his show. Ooooooooooooh,
no wonder there seems to be such a "hard edge" to his and Connie Chung's onscreen relationship. I noticed it
right away a few weeks ago when I saw them together on tv for the first time in a long time.

More when I wake up... this afternoon;)

Monday, April 24, 2006

hello its me

My girlfriend called and said she returned the baby chick to the store and bought a duck instead. Don't ask me why, but I must admit, I'd rather be pecked to death by a duck's bill than a chicken beak. She said, "I decided on the name Clucker McDucker." I could not help but laugh. I said, "Exactly how many seconds do you think it will take for all the neighborhood kids to be calling that poor duck Fucker McFucker?" Kids. They can be so cruel...unlike some of us adults. *cough cough*She said, "Hmm, I never thought of that." People, before you name ANYTHING you have to consider all the ways someone might twist that name and ridicule that child or pet. Unless you're a mediocre mom and ya don't give a crap.

Oprah had a show on little girls who are focusing solely on their weight and looks at only 3 and 4 years old. She asked where it came from and the mothers are like, hmm, other kids? Wrong. They're picking it up from their best role model: MOM. We are not just verbal role models, they soak up everything they SEE, too. So we can tell them one thing, but if they see us doing another, they will mirror that. The mother that doesn't feel beautiful can hardly raise a daughter who feels beautiful. The pair that were really eye opening were the mother and daughter towards the end of the show. The daughter thought she was ugly and every time she talked to her mother, her mother would say things like, "Hey, you think *you're* ugly, look at me." And yet the mother was totally clueless as to why her daughter was so down on herself.

I love this story. It's nice to know I'm not the *only* one who checks out the picture of the trooper on
the gas pump "if you don't pay for your gas, you could lose your driver's license" stickers......
The most hilarious part of the story was when the writer told the trooper people write "I'm Gay" on his picture. That would be the LAST thing I'd tell a state trooper. LOL;) Damn it, now you just know I'm gonna be looking for the trooper featured on our gas pumps everywhere I go...sigh.

You can tell there's a lot of serious news going on in *my* little corner of the world. One of
the local news stations has announced that they will begin showing PROM PHOTOS during the news casts.
No doubt right before the 85+ years birthdays or the 50+ years anniversarys.
I'm wondering why they bother with the news...

Blogger is being a perfect *dick* today ...nothing wants to update!!

A big HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO BUGZZZ who turns...I have no clue. Hell, all I
know is she continues to be younger than I am. Maybe next year she'll catch up. Have a good one!

They were showing pictures of the White House Easter egg roll on television the other day. Usually it's open to any children, but this year they had a special "roll" for the kids of Hurricane Katrina victims. Now what struck me as funny was the way these kids were all wearing "Katrina Kids" t shirts. Lordy, as if losing all your personal possessions isn't bad enough, now they have to walk around with t shirts that underscore the fact that they're homeless. Why not just wear t shirts that say, "Hurricane Katrina took my house and all I got was this lousy t shirt and a friggin' hard boiled egg from the President."

Between the three of us, I think WW, SodaPop and I have all our male "bases" covered.
I started my hott cops site, then WW started her hott bikers site and now SodaPop has started her hott sports and military guys site.
We should be so ashamed for turning men into man meat, and *yet* we're not. Go figger.
Incidentally we're all accepting pics of said guys, so if ya got some, share the eye candy!

Saturday, April 22, 2006

since you've been gone i can breathe for the first time

The food industry certainly tries all the angles, doesn't it? In one of those small Jello Pudding cups, there are 17 grams of sugar. And yet, Kraft is now pimping the pudding as "Calci-YUM! A good source of calcium". Any benefits you might think you're getting health wise are going to be overshadowed by the enormous amount of sugar in the product. I also get a kick out of the way they put "a fat free product" on the package. Gummi Bears are also "fat free," but that doesn't make them good for you.

WW has started a hott bikers site. Bookmark it and check it outtttttttttt...

I like to have an apple and a small amount of cheese, natural peanut butter or unsalted nuts every day. Today I bought some extra sharp cheese and damn, it had that "few days away from being penicillin" taste to it. UGH.

Wow. Cynthia McKinney really pulls a lot of weight with news folk. When reporters tried to question her about the incident with a Capitol Hill police officer, she refused to answer the questions and left the room, microphone still attached and live. She went on to say they (the press) lied to her aide and her aide was a fool. She then came back into the room and said they could not use any audio of her once she left the room.
Needless to say CNN ran the audio.

I really wish the gubment would figure out once and for all what we're all going to die of so they can terrify us properly. I'm starting to lose faith in their terror tactics. A few years ago, we were all going to die of A.I.D.S. Then we were all going to die of S.A.R.S.
Now we're all going to die of the bird flu. Get it fucking *right* already, will ya? It's getting so that the minute I hear the words "global pandemic" I think, "yeah, whatEVAH."

I don't know who invented the Pet Vac, but they obviously can't have pets. The Pet Vac is something you attach to your vacuum and then you use the vacuum nozzle right on your cat or dog to pick up the extra hair. I've often said that if anyone wants to rob my home, they don't need to bring a gun, just a hand held hair dryer or a vacuum because my pets are terrified of both of them. And just try turning on the vac when the cats are around. Puhleeze. They can't run fast enough, and yet the inventor of this product shows them on the rug rolling around loving the vac?
Uh uh. Those pets are obviously high on something. Either that, or the Pet Vac isn't turned on.

Is it my imagination or do retired people worry about the dumbest things? Yesterday my mother
called all upset because the local paper was getting rid of the Jumble words in place of the Sudoku puzzle.
Then she said, "Email them for me and tell them we won't buy the
paper anymore if they get rid of Jumble." Now I enjoy doing the Jumble words, but hello.
Emailing the editor? I don't think so. I mean this is not like when Court TV was covering the names of cops and I emailed repeatedly. That was WAY important stuff!

Stephen Colbert skewered Ralph Nadar quite nicely Thursday night when Nadar said the people of the United States were not handling the gas crisis properly. He said instead of bitching about the prices and buying it anyway, we should band together and refuse to buy gas. Stephen Colbert said, "And how did you get here tonight, sir?" BWAHAHAHA. Ralph mumbled something about WANTING to walk but how difficult it is to walk in the area where Stephen's studio is located.

When you're struggling to pay for your gas, keep in mind that in oil rich Caracas they're paying the equivalent of TWELVE CENTS A GALLON.

I watched "Run the Wild Fields" yesterday on Hallmark. It was actually a pretty good movie. It was about a woman whose husband is missing in WWII and she is trying to run a farm with her young daughter, Pug. They find a stranger hurt on their land and nurse him back to health. The woman hires him to work around her farm and he becomes close to both Pug and the woman. It doesn't end at all like you think it will, though. The young girl who plays Pug, Alexa Vega, is excellent in her part.
The scene where Sean Patrick Flannery teaches Alexa to dance is so sweet.
While Sean Patrick Flannery is attractive, I liked the brooding, jealous neighbor played by
Cotter Smith soooo much more, especially when he wore his cowboy hat.
You know I like those older, sexy men.

Bugzzz writes: "Stumbled onto this site.
I don't know which is funnier, the original postings, or the added comments."
She's right. The comments are hysterical.
This comment was one of my favorites. One lady writes in: Well here is the problem my husband and i are having, I am due any day now and like the rest of you wondering what to name our daughter. I like the name Cicely and my husband wants the name Ticely. I have mixed emotions about that and my parents don't like it."
And the site owner commented: "How 'bout name her Shmicely and beat bullies to the punch?"
And this letter was beyond absurd, I feel sorry for the kid and I don't even know her: "I have a 7 yr. old daughter named Mariah Carrie [last name] ... as you can tell my husband really likes the singer and we even have a picture with the real Mariah Carey and my Mariah Carrie together. So we are expecting our second child in April and i think we should stick with a singer/star name since we started it with Mariah, yet we call her maya. Sex is unknow so if its a boy I like: Marc Anthony and if its a girl: Aaliyah Marie. What do you guys think? any suggestions? any star/singer names?"
The site owner replied: "[No comment, just the sound of muffled weeping.]"

Friday, April 21, 2006

goodbye my lover

Did you ever start watching a tv movie and it's so bad that you just can't stop watching?
"Close To Danger" on the Lifetime Channel was that movie for me today.
It's a ridiculous movie about this guy who is writing about committing a murder and then he becomes obsessed with actually committing murder himself. The chick who is editing his book figures out early on that she is the woman in the story and when he confirms that she is, she says, "What are you going to do to her?" And he says, "Kill her." Now does this sending her running and screaming into the arms of the hottest cop on the force? Nay. But I was hoping. Heck, it's what I would have done. No, instead she breaks up with her boyfriend and starts dating the nutjob because "He's exciting! He's into looking into his mind!" He's insane is what he is.Then when she finally realizes, hey this guy could be one fig short of a newton, she starts panicking and goes to the police, who for some reason won't listen to her until she finds to detectives who try to help. Then she gets on this "I want to help him" kick. Good grief, this character is probably one of those twits who write to mass murderers in jail professing their love for them.
BTW, I'm totally ticked that the detective walks around in a gawdy flannel shirt and looks like a punk who hasn't bathed all week, whereas the nutjob wears a tux the night he tries to kill a chick. Gawd, it was bad, and sadly enough, based on an also boring true story.
Ya know, ONCE, JUST ONCE, I'd like to see a weekend of COMEDIES on Lifetime, instead of all these gruesome murder/rape/i slept with your kid movies.

Being the super good mother that I am, I didn't say anything when Female Offspring #5 used her Gem Magic to put
crystals on my lampshades or blue studs on my bath towels, but rhinestone-ing all my underwear is the last straw!!

Today is Earth Day so make sure ya French kiss the soil at some point in the day.

No COPS tonight!! Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaa... Damn NASCAR.

Hi ho hi ho it's back to work I go...

I had yet another conversation with Male Offspring #1 about his job possibilities now that he's (finally) graduated high school. Mr. G was upset because he told him he wanted to be a drug informant. He said, "Does he understand all the risks involved with a job like that?" I said, "Honey, he's my kid let me handle this." I called Male Offspring #1 out of his bedroom and said, "You do realize that a drug informant is NOT someone who scouts out all the best places to buy drugs and then informs his friends so they can buy their drugs there, right?" Needless to say, we scratched that potential job off the list, too. We've eliminated so many job options that at this point, I think we're down to butcher, baker or candlestick maker. And since he has a dreaded fear of Crisco, I think we can safely eliminate "baker."

Eric writes: "Umm, I notice you've labelled this officer [ed: the dog I wanted for Holly's dog friend] a "hott cop." Is there
something about yourself you haven't been telling us, Goddess?"
LOL...nope. It's just to differentiate between sites. I save all my pics in the same folder and hey,
when ya have 25 sites like I do...ok, I don't exactly have 25, but some days it feels that way.

I'm wondering how long it's going to take before my dentist's receptionist wises up? Every time I make an appointment--which is usually only when something is wrong--she'll say, "Ok, I've scheduled you for blah blah, but I'm putting you on the cancellation list and if something opens up sooner, I'll call you," and I say, "Good idea," as if I really mean it. We both know that she's going to call and I'm going to fake up an excuse as to why it's not satisfactory with me and come in on the date I originally scheduled, so why must we play this wicked game any longer? I *hate* going to the dentist. What are the chances I'm going to voluntarily go in ahead of schedule? NONE, believe me.

There's a woman I chat with online who is totally into everything New Age. I believe in some things, like we create our worlds by our thoughts and our words have greater impact than we realize, but I don't buy into everything. I was talking to her about this Writer's Digest contest and I said, "I still don't know what I want to enter, be it personal essay or feature article." She said, "Become still, go within and ask your inner child what it wants to do." She's *very big* on asking your inner child stuff, which just makes me feel like I'm talking to myself.
I said, "Ok, I asked my inner child and she said she wants to lay on the couch, drinking Diet Pepsi, and consume large amounts of chocolate while watching The Young and the Restless and COPS." Hmmm, odd. I would have guessed she wanted to pop wheelies on my Hoveround.
So now she's pissed off at me. My online pal, not my inner child. She's taking a nap.

Speaking of hotties...we were, right? Check out the pic I posted today
my hottcops site, Sgt. Rick Thompson.
Damn. He is super fine. Renews my faith in mankind. Among other things...

See? It never fails. Remember when I told you about the Writer's Digest writing contest and how I usually see it and think, "hmm, I ought to enter," and then next thing ya know, it's over? Well, I was cleaning yesterday and of course got distracted by other things. I opened up my latest copy of Writer's Digest and son of a gun! I am no closer to deciding on a piece than I was before and it's over May 15th!
So now I have the application taped right to the middle of my mirror. Let's see how many hours it takes until I don't even see it anymore.

if you want to you can stick around

Not that I'm ashamed of some of the things I write, but I write what fits MY site. In other words, the people who regularly read me KNOW some of the stuff that comes out of my mouth isn't quite family oriented, but it fits MY site. Well, a cop is using my COPS article on her site. And I can't BELIEVE she didn't edit out the part where I talk about being upset that hookers only sell their blowjobs for like $5 and $10 because a large pizza at Pizza Hut costs more than that, but I then get a little "graphic" about charging more if the john cums on their face or in their eyes. It doesn't bother me, but owie it might offend some of her more wholesome readers....

My gf stopped over last night while I was watching COPS, and they were doing one of the prostitute stings. She started on her
usual, "what a waste of the taxpayer's money. it's a
victimless crime" spiel.
I said, "Judging from the appearance of some of those 'tutes, it's not ONLY a crime, it's a damn shame."

Bugzzz writes: "*goes ahead with the plans to invent the Choco-Diet Pepsi Addiction Patch*
You'd never have to work another day in your life. Oh, and put me down for an XXXX Large.

Thursday, April 20, 2006

your hands are mine to hold

I am waaaaaaaaaay to predictible and it's starting to tick me off. Last night I sat Mr. G down and told him I had something
important I needed to talk to him about. Something I wanted to get off my chest because it was making me feel incredibly guilty.
I said, "I've been cheating on you."
INSTANTLY he said, "I knew it! I knew it! You've been sneaking diet Pepsi, haven't you?" Damn it!
I'm like, "WHAT?! Is it soooo inconceivable that I just have been *might* be talking about a GUY?"
And he said, "Nah, you're home too much for that."
It was killing me, though, because we promised each other we were going to take this healthy eating
seriously. All I did was take ONE GLASS of D.P. at work and I was hooked all over again.
If the soda industry had any smarts at all, they'd raise diet soda to $2 or $3 a
two liter because it's every bit as addicting as drugs. Yeah one of these
days we'll see dopers on the corner offering crack, meth or diet Pepsi.
Now, on top of being boringly predictible, I have to wean myself off that frigging soda again!!

I was reading the advice column on MSN and some people just amaze me. One chick said she had been
dating this guy a short time and they had recently 'become intimate,' and she was upset by the fact that
he always keeps his eyes closed. This was the part that had me chuckling. She said she'd like to
ask him about it, but "I feel that since we have only just started dating, it will be awkward." She's comfortable
enough to have sex with the guy but talking about intimacy is "awkward"?!
I think feelings like this often arise because so many women are indulging in casual sex.
The physical act becomes easier than the emotional intimacy.

Once again South Park sucked. It started out with so much promise.
Unfortunately that promise only lasted
about five minutes. Towelie, the character that's always getting high wrote a book called "A Thousand Little Fibers"
an obvious play on Frey's book "A Thousand Little Pieces."
Matt and Trey have taken a really funny show and turned it into
their own political sounding board and it reeks. Before their criticisms were subtle, clever and funny, and voiced via the character's personality. Now they're using the characters to reflect their dissatisfaction over different issues, such as censorship and it's coming off as sermonizing.
This week they took a shot at Oprah and James Frey. Totally un-funny stuff.

I was reading an article about copyrighting on the Internet because apparently what is really big now is people stealing ENTIRE BLOG CONTENT and claiming it for themselves. When South moved my site to a new server about three years ago, I began putting copyright statements on all my articles. Hasn't stopped some people from taking what they want, but one person said they felt the only way around this was to delete old blogs and keep hard copies of everything. I believe in keeping hard copies of everything. I even have copies of my journals because believe it or not, I've seen some of my posts on other people's blogs and it always flabbergasts me that they would steal a paragraph or two and post it as their own. I'm like, "WTF?! Get a mind already and use it." The first time it happened was almost comical. I just happened upon this person's LJ and I began reading his posts and I got to this one paragraph and I thought, "This is odd. It sounds familiar to me." DUH. I wrote it! Now a LOT of stuff I write, I can't even recall. Like if you took a paragraph from my first online journals five years ago, it might not ring a bell, which is why I do keep hard copies of my online writings.
But to start deleting stuff is just beyond ridiculous. You can't stop writing because you're terrified that at some point, people might steal your stuff.
Hell, I'd go insane if I had to stop writing. All those words bottled up in my brain would be the death of me;)

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

today pt deux

I heart it when the sex is just clicking along with Mr. G and myself.
Nothing makes me crankier than when we're sexually out of sync. Luckily we are soooooooooooooooo in sync the last couple of weeks.
*Goddess is one happy (satisfied) camper*

Hmm, South Park pokes fun at the whole James Frey fiasco tonight. Let's keep our fingers crossed that it's FUNNY.
It would make for a refreshing change.

I am still hooked on that doggone song, "Move Along" by the All American Rejects.
(As an aside, I didn't realize they also did the song "Dirty Little Secret".)
I haven't been this hooked on a song since Drew got me hooked on that oldie but
goodie "Kayleigh." Good grief. I played that over and over and---hey, think I'll load it up on the media player.

I going to fix Holly up with this fella.
What's not to love about him? He's well-behaved (unlike her), gorgeous AND he has a good job with a steady income. As an added bonus, he's even got his own car...
Look how nicely he's posing, too. If that was Holly, she'd be chewing the windshield wipers and scratching up the paint. The great thing is they're both black. They won't have to worry about all that interracial couple baggage.

i'm planning my escape

Bugzzz writes: "Something similar happened to a girl I work with. A guy came through her checkstand one day with two carts jam-packed with groceries, a stereo, bunch of DVD's..all kinds of stuff. Red flags are going up everywhere. So, she looks down at the card, and it's her card.
(She'd been robbed a few days earlier, and she used the card as a back-up, like for emergencies)
She stalled and told the guy (he wasn't even smart enough to steal a card with a man's name on it) that since his total was so high, that per store policy, she had to call and get approval blah blah. (She bullshits under pressure like noone I have ever seen.) She called our manager, who called the cops. Not only did he rob her apartment, he lived in her apartment complex. He was also caught shoplifting a shitload of $5 costume jewelry.
Great world, isn't it?"
He must be a total idiot. I mean, if you're gonna shoplift and risk getting caught, who's dumb enough to steal costume jewelry?!
Course going for the big stuff didn't seem to work out too well for him either...

As if being the child of Tom Cruise isn't bad enough, the new baby girl has been named "Suri Xenu L. Ronnette Holmes-Cruise."
Let the pre school beatings begin....

Apparently Kevin Federline doesn't believe in divorce and he thinks Nick and Jessica were wrong to split. Check out what Kevin has to say about marriage: "Once you're married, you're in it for the fight." Yet another immature punk who has no business getting married.
But hey , I wouldn't believe in divorce either if I had some clueless rich bitch footing all my bills.

There's an article on MSN today on how to negotiate with tips from LAPD SWAT
commander, Lt. Michael Albanese. It makes for an interesting read and has some really good suggestions for dealing with others.
I always think the SWAT negotiator guys are probably great at getting women into bed. LOL. They know how to counter all of our arguments.

LOL!!! This is probably as good as it gets for a law enforcement person: 'While on routine patrol, a lieutenant with the McDowell County (North Carolina) Sheriff’s Office stopped a vehicle. When the driver asked why he had been stopped, the deputy told him, “Because you’re driving my car.” The white Honda had been stolen earlier in the week.
The driver and passenger were arrested. The deputy said the car was in “good condition.”

Mr. G and I were filling out a cc application and the guy said, "I can't sign you as co-owners of the account, but your husband can add you, meaning you can use the card, but you have no financial responsiblity if something should happen."
I'm like, "Did you hear that, honey? You don't want to piss me off cuz I'll run that sucker sky high and skip town."
Awww, you know it's true love when you can threaten each other.

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

if you're happy and you know it eat some cake

I joined a couple Yahoo groups concerning cops...yep, still trying to pimp out my HottCops blogspot where ever I can. In the one group I joined, the guy stated that he was one of only three men who were cops and became porn actors. So I checked out his site and he had his resume on it. First of all, that struck me as odd and comical at the same time. I mean, not like porn directors give a flying fart about where
you worked previously to dropping trou, and not like a degree is really necessary to screw on camera.
"I don't give a shit how hot he is, if he doesn't have a bachelor's degree in fine arts, I WON'T HAVE HIM ON MY SET!!"
Crazy as he is, I can almost hear JimmyD saying something like that.
The second thing that made me giggle was the fact that it was his actual business resume, not an acting resume.
If I hear the words "resume" and "porn site," I want to read something like "can do four women
at a time and not get winded," or "took 5 month course in cunnlinigus, final grade A+," not "valedictorian of my high school graduating class."

Here's a very interesting sensory test to take. It takes about ten minutes and I won't tell
you MY score because I don't want you guys to be ashamed of YOUR score. Yeah, that's why.

i hope you dont intend to condescend

Nooooooooooooooooooooooooo! I can't believe it! South didn't pick me!
He writes: "Well my first thought was how in the world could I possibly deny Goddess? but then reality hit me...I have no way to get her beloved hooveround or whatever that thing is called onto the boat...sorry Goddess you lost out to Frank...Who just said he wanted to go fishin."
Damn you, Frank!! Damn you and your brevity all to hell!!
I'm pissed. I even went out and bought a red, white and blue mu mu in keeping with a nautical theme!
One of these days, as sure as I'm sitting here in my Hoveround, I swear I am going to
show up at South's front door and ring his doorbell...............thenrunlikehell.

I can't wait! I can't wait! I can't wait! I ordered one of those picture CD's from Motor Cops
and it takes only 2-3 business days to arrive. AND it has over ONE THOUSAND PICTURES!!
I haven't been this excited since I ordered my laptop.
It's like a big shipment of porn and Christmas all rolled up into one!

Ok, here's the essay I submitted to Mike South. For those of you who don't read his site,
he's going fishing and he's offering to take one "lucky" (that's questionable, but we'll let it pass) person along.
Thing is you gotta get to Florida, pay for your fishing license AND bring spending cash. Pfft. I can buy tuna for
99 cents a can and I never have to leave the comfort of my Hoveround. Hmm, speaking of Hoverounds, I forgot to ask him if he had a life preserver that would fit around the Hoveround in case we both go overboard? Lord knows I'm not leaving land without it.
So here's my essay and I must say I think it has all the key elements: a full serving of drama,
seasoned with sadness and garnished with a sprig of hope.

Why I feel I should go fishing with you ….

"Several weeks ago the doctor confirmed that I had a disease. It’s called
“lazyazzitis.” Now it might not *sound* that bad, but he assured me I
will die with this disease. I’ve had it for several years now, and the
symptoms were evident, but I refused to see them. The constant
procrastinating, refusing to get out of bed for days on end and even the
fact that I would lay on the couch for hours watching that show you said
I can’t mention. They were all signs that I continued to ignore. The symptoms
got progressively worse and now it’s too late. I’m terminally lazy.

I feel that I should be the one you pick to go fishing because I would
have that one last chance to see the ocean before I succumb to this
illness. I could feel the sand beneath my feet--if you carried me down to
the beach, that is.

I’ve never caught a fish in my entire life, including the ones that have
jumped out of the goldfish bowl. Alas, I feel it was their fate to die on
the carpet. Who am I to interfere with God's plan?
Of course, you’ll have to bait my hook… and hold my fishing
rod and …take the fish off the hook for me. I’d do it myself, but you
know, the illness and all….

I also feel you should pay to fly me down to Florida and buy my fishing
license for me because apparently one of the side effects of the
prescription medication I take for “lazyazzitis” is “cheapazzitits,” and I’ve
contracted that, too, now. My only hope is that modern medicine will come
up with a cure for this soon, but I’m not holding my breath. It’s
pointless, and besides, it’s too much work.

All in all, I think I could make a valuable contribution to the trip. You
know, as long as it doesn’t require any effort or money on my part…..unlike this essay."

Now here's the kicker. After I sent this essay to South, I found out one guy just said he wanted to go because "he liked to fish."
I'm sitting here freaking worrying about syntax and he types "because I like to fish"!!!!
And I can guarontee you, he's not going to take ME! Well even if he picked me, most likely the disease
would kick in and well, who would do my packing? Certainly not I...

Sunday, April 16, 2006

a day without sunshine is like a day without chocolate

Good grief. It's after noon and the offspring are STILL boo hoo'ing about the disasterous Easter egg hunt. I finally said, "Look, a botched Easter egg hunt is NOT the end of the world. An Easter without solid chocolate bunnies would be the end of the world. BTW, I ate all your solid chocolate bunnies yesterday. Happy Easter, kids!" GAWD!! My dream of a cake house being made of cake is not so far fetched after all! Check out this link
I stole right from Zal. You can't see me right now, but I am sobbing in ecstasy. When I become a famous writer, forget jewels, forget plasma screen tvs, forget orgy sex with cops. [Ok, maybe not that last one. Gotta have something interesting to write about.]

I'm thinking about buying one of those bagless vaccuum cleaners. Anybody have one?
I'm sure there's got to be a catch to it. If I'm not buying bags for it, I have to be buying something else,
filters, maybe? Cuz that's pretty much the way the manufacturing industry works. If you have one, let me know how you like it.

Bugzzz writes: "That chick is going to end up in the belly of the neighborhood cat. Tweety, meet Thylvethster."
I choose to be optimistic about the chicky pooh. I choose to believe she/he/whatevah will grow and
thrive and become the best damn chicken in the whole wide world....until it's murdered and becomes Sunday dinner.
Truth be told the damn thing will probably commit suicide inside of three days. I would if I had to live in that house.

hippity hoppity easter's on it's way

I was patting myself on the back, I thought I was so clever. Every year--except the years when
I'm drunk and I oversleep--I have to get up super early and hide all the Easter eggs in the yard for
the annual Easter egg hunt. But this time I decided to hide the eggs before I went to bed.
And if those damn raccoons hadn't
found them first, it would have been a super duper Easter egg hunt. As it stands it
was more of an Easter eggshells hunt. On the upside, racoons are very neat and they left the shells in nice piles.
We found everyone of them.
Dang it. I just know this is gonna be another black mark against me in that
Mother of the Year contest. Sigh.

I went to my gf's house yesterday and someone had given her young son a live chick for Easter.
What a dumb idea, btw.
Live chicks and ducks are animals, not toys for young children.
He was trying to come up with
names for the chick and I suggested "Shake N Bake" or "Barbie Q."
Hey, we ALL know where that chick is going to end up...

Saturday, April 15, 2006

when everything is wrong we move along

This story ticks me off. The reason it ticks me off is NOT because she's an old woman who
got ticketed, but because she DESERVED to be ticketed and is going to get out of paying a fine simply
because she's old. If she was 22 or 32 or 42 you wouldn't even be reading her story. I think the cop did
exactly the right thing, he was doing his job. She says she started when the light was white, but the police say she started
to cross when the light was blinking red. Now she knows that she's walking slower than younger people,
which is even MORE of a reason to wait for the white "walk" sign.
Pay up and admit to your mistakes, grandma. It's the MATURE thing to do.


Am I just overly hungry for chocolate or is Hershey's suddenly making

their big candy bars four feet long and five feet wide?? And I'm fairly certain
they were screaming, "EAT ME!! EAT ME!!" when I passed them in the drug store
a few minutes ago....

Friday, April 14, 2006

when all you got to keep is strong move along move along like i know you do

In keeping with the Steak and BlowJob day that we celebrated last month, today is Cake and Cunnilingus day.
Now that's a day we can ALL get behind! Belly up to the "bar," gentleman! If next month isn't about Ménage Trois Day, I'm going to be bitterly disappointed.
Thanks so much for letting me know, Robert. The day could have passed without me getting either one!

I was watching a police show and they showed a prank they pulled on one officer. A rookie officer and his superior pulled up to a van with a mime clown inside. The rookie tried to talk to the mime and when he wasn't responding, his superior said, "You have to talk to him in mime," which he then proceeded to do. The funniest part was when the superior officer told the rookie, "Mime him his rights." LOL. The rookie was like, "What?!" He then began miming the guy's rights. It's funny when you hear a cop say, "You have the right to remain silent" to a mime...

Some people are more ways than one. I was listening to a news story about a man
who killed his wife because she wouldn't reheat his dinner in the microwave. First he threw the mikey at her,
then he proceeded to stomp on her until she was dead. When he couldn't get a pulse, he sat down
and drank a beer before going next door to tell the neighbors what he had done.

Stephen Colbert: "Here's she is receiving some sort of plaque from a gentleman in Iraq.
Not sure what it is, but I believe she was voted "Least Likely To Return to Iraq."

I have a dark secret that I've been keeping for the last three days, but I can't STAND IT. I have to confess and get this off my chest. On Wednesday
when I was on my way to work, I was involved in a hit and run accident. No, I wasn't hit. I did the hitting
and the subsequent running, and I feel awful about it.
But I'm terrified to face the family, so I can't come forward. I am constantly looking over my shoulder,
wondering if the police know what kind of car was involved in the accident.
This is what happened. I was running late for work and I was speeding.
I rounded the corner and right in front of me was a chipmunk, happily eating an acorn in the middle of the street....the idiot.
Doesn't he know he's supposed to store them in some unsuspecting family's chimney?!
Before I could even think about applying the brakes, I heard an ominous "splattttttttttt." Did I try to contact his family? No. The minute I realized I couldn't get a pulse, I KEPT DRIVING. And for that I can't forgive myself. On a totally unrelated note,
we had chipmunk soup and dumplings the other night for supper. Delish!

Here's one movie I DEFINITELY WON'T BE SEEING EVER....Snakes on a Plane.

Ok, I'm totally hooked on "Move Along" by All American Rejects.

Eric writes: "Goddess,
You do know the real connection, don't you? Eggs and the Resurrection
both symbolize the (re)birth of life in the springtime.
I understand there were dozens of similar stories of resurrected saviors
in various cultures, and all were celebrated at this time of year."
I guarontee she enjoyed the free range chicken story better than she would have that one...

I HATE that commercial on the radio for sumdum debt relief program. The guy says, "I was $30k in debt, and now, a year and a half later, I owe the credit card companies nothing!" Yeah, probably declared bankruptcy. As if that isn't ridiculous enough--because if you HAD an extra $30k laying around, wouldn't you be smart enough to apply it to your credit card debt yourself?--he then goes on to say, "I'll have my mortgage paid off in two years AND it's a 30 year mortgage." Again, I don't believe a word of it.

New drinking game, kids. Take a shot every time Oprah says, "huuuuuge," "eye opening," "light bulb moment" or every time she does the "claw hand" thing when she's emphasizing. Guarantee you'll be drunk before the hour is over.

Damn cable company bought out my ISP. I swear to God if they get rid of dial up or raise the cost, I'M KICKING ASS. I'm fed up with these monopolies. First of all, the city made it so that only one cable company could come in her and now they're buying up internet competition. Just like credit card companies. Five years ago, there were ten companies that had most of the cc business, now there are half that amount.

Thursday, April 13, 2006

i wanna soak up the sun and tell everyone to lighten up

I never realized what pressure Mr. G is under. He called me at work today and asked me what I wanted for my birthday.....
which is over a month away. I said, "Why are you asking me *now*?" He said, "Because every time I go shopping,
I keep looking for things you might like. I have no idea what to get you."
The man has only lived with me for twenty five years, how could I possibly expect him to know what I like?
I said, "I'm certain I'll like anything you buy the jewelry store."
To which he replied, "Ok, I'll just go with money and a card...."

Does anybody else think that Haynes commercial where the guys are playing ball in their underwear seems a tad *gay*?
(And when I say *tad*, I mean *hella*)

Except for booze, cigarettes, chocolate, crack, watching COPS and The Young and the Restless, there's nothing
I enjoy more than craft night with the offspring. Last night we dyed Easter eggs for Sunday's big Easter egg hunt. Well it's less
of a hunt and more of a ruse to let me sleep in while the offspring search relentlessly for eggs I haven't even hidden yet.
While we were coloring the eggs, Female Offspring #7 said, "Mommy, what do eggs have to do with Jesus?"
So then I had to explain how Jesus used to raise free range chickens in His spare time...

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

i'm walking on sunshine

So today I was scrambling around trying to buy Easter candy. Now I know what you're thinking. "Goddess, seen any hott cops lately?"
Ok, that *other* thing you were thinking. "Goddess, I thought you already bought Easter candy?" Yes, I have. Many times actually.
It's not *my* fault the trailer is full of rats. And that mother rat seems to be the worst.
I had to go to FIVE DIFFERENT STORES until I could find a big enough chocolate rabbit for the family.
Course "the family" will never see it because I'm gnoshing on it right now, but hey, it was the thought that counts,
and I cared enough to drive all over town to find it. BTW, rabbit buttocks are *delish*.

June Pointer, the youngest of the Pointer Sisters has passed away at the age of 52.

I was checking out some links Zal was good enough to post for me, and one was for a
site called Brutal Blow Jobs. One pic showed a guy
fucking a girl's mouth. He had his cock shoved down her throat and was pinching her
nose shut. Now somebody tell me why it has to be like this? I swear, some guys aren't going to be satisfied
until they kill or severely injure a woman.

Mim writes: " I have to agree Goddess it is sometimes so much easier to have guy friends.
Less work Less stress and less well bull shit. Less shopping < which I hate > less talking about emotional girly stuff, less crying
less makeup < not a big fan of makeup > less well just less...
wonder how ungirlie that makes me
I have actually been told I am more like a guy then a girl when it comes to so many things ( except those heart rending sad commercials they play around xmas or as I like to call it mass consumption day) then I bawl like a baby but that is just some weird defect I have.
I refuse to shop with 99% of my female friends they HAVE TO LOOK at every freaking item in the store... EVERY FREAKING ONE
then they cant make up their minds GAH it makes me crazy.
When I shop I am in get what I want and then out. Its planned like a strike team attack
I see the objective purchase it and am back in the car before most girls make it halfway through the store.
Its why I dread going to big sprawling super stores. That much more shite to look at ......
Ok my rant is done for now... can you tell I have been forced into shopping with the girls lately...
LOL...that is EXACTLY how I shop, too, Mim! I stopped going shopping with Female Offspring #1 when she was old enough to drive herself
because it would make me NUTS. I kept walking around going, "JUST ...BUY..SOMETHING!!" And more often than not, she wouldn't.
GF's are worse cause you can't threaten to leave them at the mall if they don't hurry up.

I used the Pur Mineral 4 in 1 foundation and I like it. This is different from Sheer Cover and Bare Minerals in that it's a powder, concealer and finishing powder all in one. So it makes an already fast process even faster. When I first tried it, I wasn't satisfied with coverage. But I've found a little trick that seems to work. I use two different brushes. I put one layer on with one brush, then switch and go over my face again. I've noticed that if your face is even slightly damp from your moisturizer, it won't cover as well, so using two different brushes helps. So far I like the Bare Minerals brushes the best and Sheer Cover are the ABSOLUTE WORST.

I am in an *eggcellent* mood (just a little Easter yolk for you) this morning. I didn't even get
upset when the asswipe municipal bus driver waited until I had almost passed him before pulling
his fucker of a bus out into traffic again. Damn stupid jerk. I didn't even hardly notice, let alone care because,
as I said, I'm in one of those "happy to be alive!!" moods today.

I was driving to work this morning and it hit me; you know who I feel sorry for?
Stupid kids. They don't get a bumper sticker. You never see "Proud Parent of a Child Who is Flunking the Fifth Grade."

Have you noticed that everything with Oprah lately is "huge"? It goes something like this, "I want you to see this next clip.
It's" *insert dramatic pause while she pulls her steepled fingers apart like she's playing an accordian* "huuuuuge."
"Huuuuuge" kind a loses it's meaning after about the 15th time in the same show. And if it's not "huuuuge," it's a "light bulb moment."

I stopped by my gf's house last night because she wanted to "do something." This is the exact reason I don't *like* girlfriends. They always want to "do" things. If it's not that dreaded shopping, it's the even more dreaded cooking.
When I stop by CP's house, we don't do a damn thing. Or at least, I don't. Guys don't feel the need to entertain. If he's on the front porch, we sit there jabbering, if he's in his workshop, we stand around there jabbering. Every once in a while, I'll say, "Wow. That looks *insert proper adjective here*." Be it hard, heavy, tiring...whatevah, but he never asks me to help and I am grateful for that.
So I got to my gf's and guess what she wanted to do? Cook with that gawdawful Pasta Express thing she just bought.
First she wanted to make pasta, but I'm not eating pasta, so she decided on hot dogs.
She said, "Cool! It's only going to take 15 minutes to make the hot dogs!"
I'm like, "FIFTEEN MINUTES?! Are you nuts?! It takes a freaking minute in the mikey!"
Guh. I gotta get more guy friends and less girl friends.

I was watching COPS yesterday--and NOT ONE WORD OF BITCHING!! I haven't mentioned COPS on here since I started my
handy dandy Hott Cops Blogspot, complete with pictures, I might add. Anywho, this woman called the cops to her home because her husband was going nutty and punching his fist through the wall. While they were there they noticed the horrible condition of the kitchen. There were flies and bugs everywhere and it was so dirty the woman had just covered everything up with a blanket. (I'm guessing so the cops wouldn't notice. But the stench was probably a dead give away.) The female cop said, "There's no excuse for that." Ok, let's not be so judgemental, people. Suppose, jussssst suppose that instead of spending time cleaning a kitchen that will only get dirty again anyway, she decided to spend some time on the couch, getting drunk while her young'uns sucked their bottles and watched soap operas, or as I prefer to call it "quality family time". You can't fault her for that.

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

my favorite easter 'toon

Never fails to make me laugh.......

theres no getting over me

I was reading up on Porsches today. Don't ask me why, I just was. The Porsche
has a TWO HUNDRED AND FORTY horsepower motor. By contrast, my Rio has a NINETY SIX
horsepower motor. No fricking wonder I can't even maintain 35 MPH uphill while running the AC.

Ok, WW informed me the song is Keith Urban's "You'll Think of Me." See? I knew she'd know.

There's a song currently playing on the radio, don't know the name of it, but WW probably does as it sounds a bit country. One line is "take your cat and leave my sweater." When I first heard it, I *thought* the guy said, "take your cat and leave my litter." I'm like "why wouldn't he just let her have the damn litter? It's not going to do him any good now..."

Bugzzz writes: "Don't forget about the striped tube socks pulled all the way up."
LOL. I forgot about those. At least they're "neat."

Gweneyth Paltrow named her new baby Moses. I actually like that name.
I just hope the poor kid wasn't born with a bad sense of direction...

Ok, what is wrong with this picture? My girlfriend asked me where would be a
good place for her to meet guys. ME. Good grief. When I got married Jesus was still in diapers.
I told her if it was me, I'd check out the guys at the local police department.
But I'd avoid dating the ones who had their pictures on the wall.
BWAHAHAHA! See how fun it would be to have *me* as a friend?!
Now here's the thing that mystifies me. She works at WalMart and yet she can't meet anyone.
I would think that would be an *excellent* place to meet people.
You see not just other employees on a daily basis, but a constant stream of male shoppers.

Now that summertime is here the guys are once again sporting one of my favorite
looks: shorts and work boots. But not just *any* work boots, they have to
be unlaced work boots, with the tongue flapping and the shoelaces flopping.
Yes, I find it very attractive in an "I don't know how to dress myself" kind of way.

Oprah had a really good show yesterday, featuring Pink and Karrine Steffans, a former dancer in rap videos. They were talking about women acting stupid to get men to notice them and about how badly the women in the music vids are treated. I've ALWAYS had a problem with guys and more importantly women referring to themselves as sluts or whores, and this was discussed also.
Some women seem to have convinced themselves that slut and whore are synomous with "sexy" or "someone who loves sex" in the dictionary.
Not so. More than likely slut and whore are synonymous with each other.
The dictionary definition of "slut" is 'a slovenly woman, a promiscuous woman', and the definition of "whore" is 'a woman who engages in sexual acts for money, a promiscuous or immoral woman'.
I don't see one positive word in either of those definitions, so why do women do that to themselves?
It's self-denigrating. Why put yourself down? There are enough people in this world who are willing to do it for you, that's no reason you have to follow suit. There's nothing wrong with loving sex, so why use a word that infers there is something wrong with it?
And let me just toss this out there. If a porn actress started to think of herself as a "business woman" instead of a "whore," how much of a difference would that make to her esteem?
I sincerely doubt women like Danni Ashe or Christie Hefner refer to themselves as 'ho's and sluts. And you don't hear the guys in porn degrading themselves. Oh, no, they're "studs." I honestly believe that men are more disdainful of women than ever because WE are more disdainful of ourselves than ever.
If you think you're hot, erotic, exotic, or sexy and you love your sex, say so! Get yourself a good Thesaurus, and don't be afraid to crack it open.
But don't call yourself a "slut" or a "ho" and act like it's something you aspired to and achieved.
I also feel incredibly sad about the fact that women could have so much power, way more than men do in the porn industry, but because they don't believe in themselves or their abilities, they allow the men to have the power over them. The porn industry would not be the "billion dollar industry" the press always claims it to be if it weren't for the hot, sexy women. Yet who has all the power in the industry? The men. There are maybe three or four women who have staked their claim in an industry that is predominantly female. Unbelievable. And I fear the next generation of females are going to be even worse about claiming their independence and intelligence and embracing their sexuality.

Monday, April 10, 2006

it's a heartache nothing but a heartache

Oh lordy, I AM NOT ALONE!!! Today the nurse came to see my boss and I pointed out to her that there was a test my boss was supposed to do--and I won't go into specifics--but it hadn't been done. It's something she had to do herself, but at her age, she might have needed help with it. The nurse said, "Yeah, I gave it to Overtime Hawg and she said she'd just let you do it."
I rolled my eyes and said, "Yeah, that seems to be the phrase of the day around here."
This test has to be completed over three days, so I said, "Ok, I'll have the boss start it on Friday, so that Overtime Hawg knows how to do it." The nurse started to laugh, then she said, "She's really "something," isn't she?" Again I just rolled my eyes. She said, "How in the world did she even get this job?" I said, "How did she 'get' it or how does she 'keep' it? I don't know the answer to either one."

On a never ending quest to be a better mom--you know me, I won't rest until I get that coveted Mother of the Year award--I was reading an article about how you can get closer to your children. One of the suggestions was to do something they enjoyed doing. So right now 15 month old Male Offspring #8 and I are laying on the couch watching The Young and The Restless and COPS while drinking from our bottles. His has formula, mine has my own special "formula." Hey! It's what the child ENJOYS doing! I know because I asked him, "Do you want to take a nap or lay here with me watching The Young and The Restless and COPS?" Judging from the way he's all snuggled up, he's made his choice. He obviously has good taste in tv shows.

A local chuch is reacting parts of the Passion on Good Friday, including the
carrying of the Cross for several miles. But get this--the cross is on WHEELS!
I'm guessing the Crown of Thorns isn't made of real thorns either! Probably plastic. What a rip off.
Jesus is probably turning over in His---oh wait. He's not there anymore. Never mind.

Yesterday I took my 88 year old dad to the mall. He needed underwear or some such
nonsense. We hadn't been at the mall for more than ten minutes and he wanted to sit. Sit?!
I'm like, "Dad! Chop, chop! If you don't use your muscles, you're going to lose 'em. Besides, I don't
like to keep starting and stopping. It's hard on my Hoveround!" He gets winded so easily. Sigh.
And yet I can ride for miles without even breathing hard. Well, not *really* hard.

Ok, Jay, here's *my* idea of "too much information":
From the Activa commercial...Girl #1: "Hey, you wanna go out?"
Girl #2, who is wearing a pained expression and holding her stomach: "I'm bloated...irregular."
I'm thinking a simple "yes" or "no" would suffice.

The guy in front of me had a "Kerry/Edwards" bumpersticker on his car this morning. I kind of lost track of that race.
What ever happened? Did they win or what?

You know what singer I really miss and would come out with a new single? Bonnie Tyler. Yes, the "It's a Heartache" chick. She has such a fantastic voice. She did an excellent version of "Band of Gold," the old Frieda Payne song and another great version of "Have You Ever Seen the Rain?" I just HOPE TO GOD, she never does a Jim Steinman song again. "Total Eclipse of the Heart" went on into infinity, as does every other Steinman song.

I thought it was awful that the 911 operator scolded the little boy from Detroit who called when his mother collapsed. I realize they probably have their share of prank calls, but to tell him she was going to send the police and he would be in trouble if he didn't stop "playing on the phone" was wrong. Especially in light of the fact that they teach kindergarten kids to call 911 in an emergency. If they then threaten them with the police, they're going to be afraid to call. Unfortunately, he wasn't playing on the phone. His mother had collapsed and was dead. I sense a lawsuit on the way...

My favorite new time waster? Playing Family Feud online

Bugzzz writes: "Ahh, the Pasta Express. "Watch it cook before your very eyes!!" Gosh, I thought that was what I was doing when I would make it in a pot. Somewhere, there is a warehouse full of those damned things, and some poor warehouse worker going crazy looking at them all damn day.

I found this. The stupidest things I have ever seen in my life. And they were all issued US patents.

One of my favorites. Follow up your dream vacation with a trip to the chiropractor!! Wheee!"
Just shows you don't have to have a GOOD invention to get a patent, eh? I liked that "Chill Frill" muhself. It's a pillow that actually goes up and over your head. I do that with my blankets and Mr. G calls it "cocooning up". Damn. I had no idea I could make money off of the fact that he keeps the trailer freezing cold.

There our railroad tracks in our hometown that run alongside a ramp leading onto a bridge. It's such a weird feeling when you're driving in one direction and there is a train right alongside you speeding in the opposite direction.

Heads up for all you Pink fans, she's going to be on Oprah today.

My girlfriend bought that stupid new pasta maker they're advertising on tv. I could not believe she suckered for that stupid thing.
When I make spaghetti, I boil the water, toss in the 'sketti let it boil about three minutes, then turn it off and put the lid on. I let it sit for awhile and it pretty much cooks itself. Now they have this great new TIMESAVER called the "Pasta Express." All you have to do is put your dry spaghetti into the plastic tube, boil water, pour it over the spaghetti and put the lid on it. Wow. That is SO MUCH SIMPLIER than the way I always make it.
The commercial for the product is great though. Especially the part where it shows the woman trying to drain her spaghetti into a strainer and most of it goes in the sink, proving that people with lousy aim should NEVER make spaghetti.

Sunday, April 09, 2006

i keep gettin richer but i cant get my pichure on the cover of the rolling stone

Charlize Theron has stated that she will not get married until all gay and lesbian
couples are also permitted to marry....or until someone actually asks her, whichever comes first.

A retired AT&T technician is claiming that in the San Fransisco offices of the communications company
is a secret room that is used by the U.S. National Security Agency to read millions of our emails and watch internet traffic. Wow.
I hope they at least got a laugh out of all those stalking emails I used to send Mike South. No wonder I get so many hits from
the U.S. gubment every month!

I was watching the news this morning and they had a story on pork barrel spending. Ted Stevens of Alaska gets $325 MILLION for his state. Some of the stupid projects the government wastes money on? $550 thousand dollars went to the Museum of Glass in Tacoma,Washington, and $500 thousand dollars went to a freaking tea pot museum in Sparta, North Carolina. Although in Sparta's defense, they're sure this teapot museum is going to "revitalize the local economy." Yeah, I'm sure people all across the country are now changing their vacation plans and penciling in Sparta, North Carolina.
Now here's the interesting/sadly ironic thing: the story right before this one was one about the people in St. Bernard's parish, who are angry about not having homes yet. They fought the police yesterday until police finally gave up and allowed them into their apartment complex, despite the fact that police felt it was unsafe. How sad is that? The government has wasted millions on worthless endeavors when all that money could have gone towards helping our own people who are in desperate need of a roof over their heads. Granted that's probably not nearly as important as some friggin' tea pot museum....

What a rip. Skippy has a new "natural" peanut butter that doesn't need mixing. If you don't know what "natural" peanut butter is, it's that stuff that always has a gross amount of oil at the top of the jar. It's supposed to contain only peanuts and possibly salt to be considered "natural." Skippy has ADDED SUGAR in theirs, plus some sort of added oil. That is not natural. To date, Smuckers still has the best natural peanut butter I've ever found, but if someone has an easy way to mix this damn stuff, I'd sure like to know what it is. Ugh.

Congrats to Hugh Hefner, who turns EIGHTY today. Hef says he feels better than ever and perhaps "80 is the new 40."
Only if you're 120, Hef....

Still on my quest to find the perfect dildo, I was searching through the sex toys on One of them was a "lighted green apple vibrator."
Unless I'm dating a gynecologist, I do not want ANYBODY looking up my hooch with a light!
And I'm sure Mr. G will thank me for that decision...

I just saw an ad for a great idea. They're called privacy filters and you slide it over your laptop
screen so you can see the screen but others cannot. You can find them here.

The other day when I had a chiropractor appointment, I was in a hurry to get ready and I accidentally grabbed the stupid Made in China bra that the gurls keep falling out of. It has hooks in the front and everytime I flipped over, I could feel a couple of the hooks opening. Now this problem was only compounded by the fact that I was wearing a thin WHITE shirt. By the time I was done flipping (and flopping), my bra was held in place by ONLY the top two hooks and the "gurls" were clinging desperately to their respective cups, like drowning people clutch life rafts. Luckily I've had some experience with this sort of thing before--thanks to those FLAT CHESTED CHINESE WOMEN, I've had more experience than I care to think about!!--so I did the casual neck rub and the throat rub and even the opposite elbow rub, all designed to keep the tits covered. Ugh. I am burning this sucker in protest!! American boobs need American bras!!! Ditto for American asses.

I forgot to mention yesterday that the funniest part of my phone call to the monkeys in Tech Support yesterday when I couldn't get my modem to dial up on the phone was when the woman said, "Ok, now that we've restored your system, you try to connect. I'll hang on the phone while you do that so we can see if it worked."
I said, "How's that going to work exactly?"
She said, "What do you mean?"
I said, "I called because I can't connect to the internet on my phone line and you're going to hang on the phone while I dial up?"
Then it dawned on her what I was saying and she laughed and said, "What was I thinking?"
I'm guessing she was too busy thinking about the Mountain Lion that might have walked across my laptop....

I was watching an old Jeopardy rerun--still trying to see if I can catch a glimpse of Tim Case--and there was a white dude on the show with dreadlocks. Puhleeze, people. Dreads don't even look good on black people, let alone white boys.

Saturday, April 08, 2006

hott as you can stand it something like volcanic

You'd think Scott McClelland would be a heck of a lot know, from all the side stepping he has to do for Bush.

OMG. The police in Louisiana were looking for a Richard McNair, a convict who escaped from prison. A cop saw him running along railroad tracks and stopped him. He called his dispatcher and even agreed the guy matched the description of the guy they were looking for, but he let him go because the guy played it cool and told him he was working construction in the area. The guy's like, "Nope. I'm no convict." Well, duh!
They showed the entire encounter on CNN this morning. I would have thought when it would have been three HUGE clues for the cop when the guy said he had no identification on him, his name was Robert Jones--how common is THAT?!, and he had no permanent address! Oy.
Must have been a fairly small town cuz the cops on COPS are waaaaay more suspicious.
You just know the cop is never going to hear the end of this.

I was listening to a news story about the "quiet birth" Scientology endorses and quite frankly, I see nothing wrong with it. Course the ideas behind it are kinda hokey. One woman said, "If they tell me to "push, push harder" and a couple years later that child is learning to ride a bike and I yell, "push, push harder" he might come down with a headache." Apparently they feel words yelled at emotional times can imprint on the child. My childbirth experience with Female Offspring #1 was very quiet. It wasn't a conscious choice, it's just that when I'm in pain, I don't want to talk. I was just trying to ride it out. So for the last five or six hours before her birth, I said NOTHING. (By contrast, I haven't kept my mouth shut since.) And Mr. G sat there oh, so patiently saying nothing also. When I think back on it and hear other people's stories, like my sister screaming her head off, I'm grateful it went down the way it did. That sort of ridiculousness just upsets EVERYONE in the ward and doesn't help anything. Every woman who gives birth goes through the same sort of pain, it's just how you choose to deal with it.

"Police in Yorkshire, England conducted a sting operation, looking for
people who had been successfully evading outstanding warrants for their
arrest. The police dressed up as mailmen, and announced that there was
a package to be picked up at the post office. When the eager
fugitives arrived, they were picked up instead.
All except for one crook, who was slightly brighter than the rest.
He thought it might be a scam. So he took his notice to the police
Sounds like a potential Darwin award winner to me...

I love the words and music to the new song by Mariah Carey and Snoop Dogg.
It just needs one minor tweak--get rid of Snoop. He actually detracts from the song.
The lyrics are sexy though:
I'm over here
Looking at you
You're over there
Watching me too
Both painting pictures of
Of how we'll kiss and hug

Tell me why we're still in here
There's nothing for us to fear
I could tell with my eyes closed
Now baby, I'm ready to go

hott as you can stand it something like volcanic

You'd think Scott McClelland would be a heck of a lot know, from all the side stepping he has to do for Bush.

OMG. The police in Louisiana were looking for a Richard McNair, a convict who escaped from prison. A cop saw him running along railroad tracks and stopped him. He called his dispatcher and even agreed the guy matched the description of the guy they were looking for, but he let him go because the guy played it cool and told him he was working construction in the area. The guy's like, "Nope. I'm no convict." Well, duh!
They showed the entire encounter on CNN this morning. I would have thought when it would have been three HUGE clues for the cop when the guy said he had no identification on him, his name was Robert Jones--how common is THAT?!, and he had no permanent address! Oy.
Must have been a fairly small town cuz the cops on COPS are waaaaay more suspicious.
You just know the cop is never going to hear the end of this.

I was listening to a news story about the "quiet birth" Scientology endorses and quite frankly, I see nothing wrong with it. Course the ideas behind it are kinda hokey. One woman said, "If they tell me to "push, push harder" and a couple years later that child is learning to ride a bike and I yell, "push, push harder" he might come down with a headache." Apparently they feel words yelled at emotional times can imprint on the child. My childbirth experience with Female Offspring #1 was very quiet. It wasn't a conscious choice, it's just that when I'm in pain, I don't want to talk. I was just trying to ride it out. So for the last five or six hours before her birth, I said NOTHING. (By contrast, I haven't kept my mouth shut since.) And Mr. G sat there oh, so patiently saying nothing also. When I think back on it and hear other people's stories, like my sister screaming her head off, I'm grateful it went down the way it did. That sort of ridiculousness just upsets EVERYONE in the ward and doesn't help anything. Every woman who gives birth goes through the same sort of pain, it's just how you choose to deal with it.

"Police in Yorkshire, England conducted a sting operation, looking for
people who had been successfully evading outstanding warrants for their
arrest. The police dressed up as mailmen, and announced that there was
a package to be picked up at the post office. When the eager
fugitives arrived, they were picked up instead.
All except for one crook, who was slightly brighter than the rest.
He thought it might be a scam. So he took his notice to the police
Sounds like a potential Darwin award winner to me...

I love the words and music to the new song by Mariah Carey and Snoop Dogg.
It just needs one minor tweak--get rid of Snoop. He actually detracts from the song.
The lyrics are sexy though:
I'm over here
Looking at you
You're over there
Watching me too
Both painting pictures of
Of how we'll kiss and hug

Tell me why we're still in here
There's nothing for us to fear
I could tell with my eyes closed
Now baby, I'm ready to go

Friday, April 07, 2006

no attorneys to plead my case

Cartman: "How would you feel, Kyle, if there was a cartoon on tv that made fun of Jews all the time?"

Calling the monkeys in tech support is getting to be as annoying as going to the doctors anymore. I called this morning because I couldn't get a dial tone on my laptop. It made the slight clicking noise when the port opens, but then nothing. I can always tell when I get a monkey who doesn't know their ass from a hole in the ground. The conversation went something like this:
Tech Monkey: "Ok let me check a few things that I think it might be. Oh, you have an 80 gig hard drive. That's nice and big. You have 512 mb of ram, not bad. Hmm, you didn't renew your virus protection. Would you like to do that now? We sell McAffee."
Me: "What I'd *like* is for you to tell me what's wrong with my computer."
Tech Monkey: :"Well, it might be caused by a virus."
Yeah and my ass might be skinny but it isn't....
Me: "I'll get that taken care of myself. I have a promotional price for an update."
Tech Monkey: "Ok but I'm going to mark that you're running around out there with no virus protection.
I'm running aorund out there with holes in my underwear, too, why don't you fucking write that down?
Me: "Well, I could almost consider that if it wasn't for the fact that up until I logged off last night it was working perfectly fine."
Tech Monkey: "What about spyware? Do you need to buy some of that today?"
At this point, I am like BARELY hanging onto my temper.
Me: "I have spyware. Could we please focus on the problem with my not having a dial tone?"
Tech Monkey: "Does anybody else have access to your computer."
Me: "NO. The is MY laptop and no one else has ever used it."
Now this is how GOOD the tech monkeys are at ferreting out potential problems.
Tech Monkey: "Was it left out for maybe a cat to walk on it?"
Unless it was a 150 pound Mountain Lion, what the hell difference does it make?!

Tech Monkey: "Well, this is a really new computer and it's a good computer, too--"
Me: "Umm, not so good when you consider this is about the third time I've had to call for a problem and I haven't even made a payment yet."
Praise Jebus for that "six months, no payments" deal!
I have no patience for this sort of bullshit because it reminded me of when I was having health problems a couple years back and I went in with on specific complaint and the fuckers addressed everything BUT my complaint and I just had the same damn feeling today.

My Pur Minerals have arrived. I haven't had time to use the 4 in 1 foundation but when I do, I'll let ya know how it works. One thing, if you see a mineral makeup on an infomercial, don't order it through the infomercial if you are anxious to try it out right away. It can take 6-8 WEEKS to get your first shipment. If you like it, then order more through the infomercial cuz they can put you on an automatic delivery schedule. I ordered the Pur Minerals from Shop At Home NBC on the afternoon of the 3rd and I got it in the mail yesterday already.

Thursday, April 06, 2006

she'll take away your pain like a bullet to the brain

As it should be! I am so fed up
with people using the race card to justify their ignorant behaviors.
Here's the funny aspect of this, Tom Delay said, "She has a long history of racism," DeLay, R-Texas, said on Fox News Channel. "Everything is racism with her. This is incredible arrogance that sometimes hits these members of Congress, but especially Cynthia McKinney."
Yes, of all people, Tom Delay would know about the "incredible arrogance" that sometimes hits members of Congress. I don't wish anyone ill will, but I am so glad he was forced to step down. Even when he was arrested, he wore that cocky, smug smile of his.

I love this MSN headline: "MySpace Grows Despite Criticism." Well, duh. The pedophiles who *didn't* know
they could get in touch with young kids there sure as hell do now.

Hmm, so Katie Couric is leaving the Today show and Meredith Viera is leaving The View to take her place?
I think Meredith has the personality but she talks too damn much. All those chicks on The View do. They talk over each other
and that is main reason number 2 as to why I won't watch the show. I stopped watching when they booted Debbie
off the show. That was reason number 1. I thought she was treated badly by the others, especially that bitchy Starr Jones and Barbara Walters.
The point was to have the view of a woman her age, but they talked down to her and refused to validate her opinions,
and that was a major turn off for me.

Eric writes: "So, why do you have so few movies? Is it about pickiness, stinginess, or
what? In my case, I don't have many because I only got my VCR/DVD player
3½ years ago."
Pickiness. I've rarely seen a movie sooo good that I've wanted to see it more than once or own it.
And I have to be truthful, I didn't even buy Prancer. It was a gift, but I have watched it more than once.

Oooo, no! The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance died! Gene Pitney was 65 years old. Sigh.
Most of you reading this will want to go ask Grandma who that was...

A textbook used in New Dehli compares housewives to donkeys, and the chicks come up on the short end of the stick. The book gives the mpression that donkeys are better companions the wife might complain and go home to mother but the donkey will remain loyal to it's owner. Yes, but can you have sex with a donk---never mind. After that book makes the rounds, most of them will HAVE to have sex with their donkeys. Enjoy the blowjobs, fellas. Those are some damn big teeth!
HA. Serves them right for dissin' their women.

Holy cow. I need to sit down for this one. Guess who's getting a divorce less than three months after they remarried? Kim Mathers and Eminem. Darn! He didn't even have time to write and put out a love song to her. Good thing. Saves him the embarrassment.
Here's the funny thing. Her lawyer said the filing caught him "off guard." Well, there's one guy you don't want for an attorney.
Not the sharpest crayon in the box. Maybe this time around Eminem can figure out a new way to fantasize about killing his wife in song.

Yesterday Mr. G asked me if I would stop at the junkyard and pick up rims for the Kia. At almost 10 years old, no friggin way are we buying new ones. I'm sure if the rims are anything like the other Kia parts, they'd probably cost more than the car is actually worth at this point in time. Of course they didn't have any Kia rims, because as we all know Kias self destruct after a certain period of time. But they did have Toyota or Honda rims and they fit, too.
The first thing that struck me as funny was that it took three guys to man the junkyard and
every one of them were filthy at 8:35 in the morning. In their defense, the junkyard had been open for five minutes.
Two of the guys went to the back to get my rims and the third reluctant guy tried to follow but
they made him come back and "handle the phone." Yeah, it was just ringing off the hook.
He shuffles out and stands behind the counter and I'm waiting across from him in this dingy dirty little 2 by 4 of an "office."
The dripping Mr. Coffee was as loud as beating of the Tell Tale Heart.
After doing phone sex for three years, I don't have really problems talking to guys. I can talk to 'em, compliment 'em,
whatever, but it's also apparent to me when a guy is uncomfortable around women. Sometimes you
can get them to open up, sometimes you can't. You just have to find out what interests them. So I began to make small talk,
all of which he answered while looking down at the counter. Guh. Teeth extractions have been more pleasant. After a few minutes,
I just gave up. I felt bad for the guy, though. It was obvious he was really shy, and was
probably hoping I'd leave every bit as much as I wanted to leave.
I figured it would only take them a couple minutes to get the rims and I'd be out of there anyway.
After all, they both went back there. How long could it take?
Then I hear the whirring noise that machine makes when it's unscrewing the lug nuts on tires, and
I'm like, "Son of a BITCH. They are just NOW taking those damn tires off the car
when they were supposed to have the rims removed and ready for me."
I absolutely refused to talk about the weather. I decided to gut out the awkward silence and stare out the window.
Another guy wanders in to get his car INSPECTED--who gets their car inspected at a junkyard?!--and soon
it's three of us standing there looking at the ceiling. There was a clock behind new guy's head and I noted the time.
He cracked under the pressure after just one minute and twenty three seconds and said, "How about that weather?
I never expected to see snow when I woke up this morning." Let me tell ya, it was some of the longest twenty minutes in my life.

Bugzzz writes: "Honey, over here in Ohio, people have been putting plastic easter eggs on trees for years.
And not only trees, but bushes, lampposts and pretty much anything that will fucking stand still."
Hmmm, anything will stand still, eh? I wonder it PETA would complain
if I hung Easter eggs from the flamingo's beak and neck? This is one of those times I miss those delicious
alpacas. I could have made Easter egg leis for around their necks.

I think if a guy's going to screw a chick in a video, the LEAST he can do is take his damn baseball hat off!!!
When I was growing up, my mother always used to say, "A gentleman does NOT wear his hat
in the house, in church or while screwing a chick!"
And that goes double for sunglasses, too!!