Thursday, March 09, 2006

the last time i saw elvis he was shootin at a colour tv

Cigarette sales have dropped to the lowest in 55 years. DUH. Combine the high price of
cigarettes with the low wages of the average American and WHO CAN AFFERD cancer?
Loadin' up on Little Debbie snack cakes and getting diabetes is the best anyone can hope for anymore.

Ok you people are lousy guessers. The mystery man was NOT Glen Campbell (you weren't alone, Jay, Peggy and Karen guessed the same), NOT Ronald Regan ( ha ha, Eric), NOT Eddie Vedder (you probably had the right guy in mind, Bugs, but gave the wrong last name) and no, Keith, it's not the guy from Ed. Hell, he doesn't even LOOK like the guy from Ed. Thank you once again for jerking my chain.
SodaPop guessed it correctly: the pic was Eddie Van Halen. SodaPop wanted to know if she "won" anything for guessing correctly. Yes, indeedy. You have "won" the joy of knowing you guessed correctly. Hey, I'm operating on a (non-existant) budget here!

Wow. I know I truly live in an exciting part of the country when the front page story of the city newspaper is about a guy who was able to grow ONE PIECE of tropical fruit on his back porch. (Take THAT, SodaPop! You think Vegas is wild! HA!)
HOLY SHIT!! FRUIT!!! ON HIS BACK PORCH, YOU SAY?!!
What is this miraculous event of which they speak?!
Now this is not just ANY tropical fruit, people. It's fruit that he could walk into any grocery store and buy for two whole dollars.
Again, not only newsworthy, but FRONT PAGE newsworthy.

Female Offspring #1 was going to come home this weekend but she said she can't now because she's babysitting. I said, "See? You bitched about all that free babysitting I forced you to do, but it gave you the necessary skills to properly care for babies in your spare time. What's the baby's name?"
She said, "It's a rat, Mom."
I said, "All babies have their little quirks. That's no reason to call them names."
She said, "No, I'm "babysitting" a rat."
I said, "Phew. Good thing because the last time you babysat Male Offspring #7 he toddled off and he never did return!"

Even MORE exciting local news: one of the local muncipalities was trying to pass a law requiring the Amish to diaper their horses when they're inside the city limits, but it didn't pass. Hell, I would be happy if they forced them to put reflective stickers on their buggys.
They could put them right next to their "I brake for no one" bumper stickers.

Well I'm starting to get a complex. Today when I went to the chiropractor, guess who was in the waiting room? A nun! Same as last time. That's like four times in recent months that I've come in contact with nuns after YEARS of 'un-nunly' bliss. Anywho, this nun was talking about confession to one guy and she mentioned some elderly SHUT IN who hadn't gotten out to confession for TWO WHOLE WEEKS. She said, "It's just easier to go every week." I'm thinking "She's a farking old shut in! How much trouble could she possibly have gotten into?!"
Even when I was active in the Catholic Church if I went to confession once in a year I felt like that was a major accomplishment. Every week? My life is just not that sinful-ishous.

Ok, people, I couldn't stand it for ONE MORE SECOND, so I emailed the Campbell Soup company and asked them WHY they are still running those friggin' Johnathan McNabb soup commercials? I asked them where their commercials with the SUPER BOWL WINNING PITTSBURGH STEELERS were and I shall let you know what they have to say on the subject. Enough is enough already!
Speaking of the Super Bowl winning Steelers, their merchandise is selling 5x's more than last year's winners and 40% of all sports merchandise for this year has been Steeler related. Mr. G finally got his way cool jersey. I ordered it the day the Steelers won and they were so backlogged on orders that he just got it this week.

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