Sunday, March 12, 2006

hitchin' a ride

Speaking of sending my offspring to private schools, it really seems to be paying off. There's an ad in today's Parade on the back page that says, "H-NGER"--the problem can't be solved without you." Male Offspring #1 came into the kitchen and said, "Mom, I didn't know there was a hanger problem in the world." Before I could answer, Female Offspring #2 said, "That's not a "hAnger problem", you idiot, it's a "hunger problem." I'm thinking, "Good for her. Repeating the 9th grade three times has really paid off. As had repeating 10th grade three times." And she says, "H-O-U-N-G-E-R, idiot squared." Sigh. And to think, I almost stopped drinking when I was pregnant with these two twits.

I was reading an article about schools on MSN that focused on trying to decide between private or public schools. Now this is something Goddess has LOTS of knowledge of since I have 16 offspring, some of which came pretty doggone close to graduating. But in their defense, a couple of them were arrested before they had a chance to graduate.
You have to consider the curriculums of both schools, the teacher's strengths and weaknesses, and the cost. Then you need to consider whether or not the cost will cut into your cigarette and booze money, and whether or not the school is conveniently located near a store so the kids can buy said cigarettes and alcohol for you on their way home. Weigh all the factors---ok just the money and the location--and *carefully* decide what's right for you...I mean your child.

I asked Female Offspring #1 how her ratsitting duties were going and she remarked about how "cute" the rat was. I said, "That's funny. You never seem to think rats are cute when one comes running out of the garage headed straight for you!"

One of the chicks at the local grocery store bugs the tick out of me. First of all, she's probably my age or a year or two younger and she's constantly calling me "Ma'am." "Did you find everything you need, Ma'am?" "Have a nice day, Ma'am." "I'm trying to make you feel old, by constantly call you 'Ma'am', Ma'am." Secondly, I can have two items and the twit will say, 'Ma'am, do you need help out to the car with those groceries?" JUST ONCE I'm gonna say, "Yeah, I need you to walk my diet Pepsi and can of unsalted peanuts to my car.
I'm afraid my brittle old bones will snap under the strain. And whatever you do, don't pack them in a paper bag or the added weight will be so tremendous I'll have to drag the bag out of the store."

Here's a few things I saw on the way home from work yesterday that I don't ever want to see again. A chubby (and that's being kind) chick who was old enough to know better, was dancing in the rain in her pajama bottoms and BRA. Now that's a great look if you're say, Jessica Simpson, not such a great look if you're say, forty pounds overweight. BUT that's only part of the thing I don't EVER want to see again. I don't EVER want to see said chubby chick turn around with her butt to the street as she's dancing and dig the pj's out of her ass crack.
I never again want to see the chick in the blue car in front of me again. She sat at the green light so long I had to stick my head out the window and yell, "MOVE ALREADY!!" before she finally bought herself a clue.
I don't ever want to see some blue haired grandma, chainsmoking while she walks her dog in her robe at 5:30 in the afternoon.
But if I DO have to see that, CINCH THE DAMN ROBE, grandma!!
Yes, I DO have my period. Why do you ask?!

Those of you that have bitched INCESSANTLY--and yes, you know who you are--about me mentioning HOTT COPS will be happy to know that I'm keeping the majority of my comments on my Hott Cops blogspot, BUT cops from Saturday shows will be mentioned here. Mostly because I heart my little sexually oriented emoticons!! BITE IT if you don't like it!!That having been said....
Soooo many hott cops this week my mouth was watering!!

Goddess' first Hott Cop O'The Week Award goes to: Officer Michael Montalbano from New Orleans, Louisiana.
He's a sexy good looker I've wanted to mention for a long time.

Second and third award winners are: Sgt. Jason Synder and Detective Joe Lewis from good old Picksburgh, PA, Land of Much Street Heroin.

Fourth hottie of the night was Officer Derrick Pendergrass
of Chattanooga, Tennessee. After watching his segment, I gotta say a grown man crying because he was caught with an open
can of beer is about as pathetic as you can get. Can I get a "WEENIE!!", people?!

The last segment on COPS was a tad freaky. A man and his wife were watching Trading Spouses and one of the guys on the show "seemed" gay to them. The man said he would beat any child of his who was gay and they started arguing about that, even though their own child was only 16 months old...the poor thing. I'm almost positive the guy was upset by the Trading Spouses man's "homosexualallergy" instead of "homosexuality." I listened two or three times and that's what I heard each time.

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