Friday, March 31, 2006

insert your own song lyric here

Goddess' current mood: sunshine, lollipops and rainbows everywhere

I watched the Donkey Punch video Dirty Bob posted on AVN's blog site. (Watch it from there.
I'm not promoting that sort of shit.) And I respectfully disagree with what DB says, you HEAR the crack of those hits.
And that is NOT ecstacy or sexual excitement of ANY kind on the last girl's face when he hits her in the back of her head.
If you hate women so much you feel the need to be violent towards them,
get the hell out of the industry. Stop using the fact that women need money to support your violent tendencies.
This is yet another prime example of why I said I don't feel comfortable supporting the entire industry anymore.
And yet I'm sure there are those idiots out there who will stubbornly
say, "hey, I don't support violence towards women, but I support their right to do it."

Jon Stewart looked decidedly uncomfortable during his interview with Sharon Stone.
I think it puts him in an awkward position when he has as guests, the very people he's lampooning.
And he definitely let Stone have it a week or so ago. But she deserved it.
"There's no man I wouldn't kiss for peace?" That's just ridiculous.
I think the Daily Show was much sharper when it was about interviewing political people
and less of the Hollywood scene pimping their dumbazz movies.

It's a beautiful day in Pennsylvania! Did you know that used to be our state motto? I loved that one. Then we got that crappy "You've got a friend in Pennsylvania" state slogan. Don't fool yourself, people. You do NOT have friends in Pennsylvania! Don't be stupid. We dislike you every bit as much as the people in your own state disliked you.
Now we have "State of Independence." What can I say? Our lawmakers are too busy trying to make
the polka the state dance to be bothered with this sort of stupidity.
I think we should have a state slogan that truly embodies the spirit of PA: "If Black Lung Don't Get Ya, the Potholes Will!" And since, for some odd reason Western PA has the highest incidences of diabetes than anywhere in the country (totally true), how about, "Come for the funnel cakes, stay for the insulin!" Ok, I'm totally off topic. Glad that doesn't happen often...
Anywho, I woke up and glanced at the clock and saw that it was 9:35 a.m. The sun was shining and I thought, "I don't want the day to pass by and I'm still in bed at noon." Gotta save that kind of stuff for a rainy day! So I got up and went to the bathroom, and noticed the neighbor's car was still in the driveway. She's usually gone by 8:30. I went to the kitchen to get a mug of Yerba Matte tea, glanced up at the clock and saw that it was really only SEVEN O FIVE. Sigh. The clock was partially blocked and curse this daylight coming earlier and earlier!!
It confuses muh blonde head.

On the 29th, Congresswoman Cynthia McKinney was on her way to a meeting at the Capitol. She bypassed security, as she is permitted to do if wearing a Congressional pin, which she was not. The police officer called out to her twice, but she ignored him and kept walking. He grabbed her by the arm and some sources say she turned and hit him, others say that when she turned around she struck him accidentally with her cellphone. This is what SHE said: "Earlier today I had an unfortunate confrontation with a Capitol Hill Police Officer. It is traditional protocol that Capitol Hill Police Officers secure 535 Members of Congress, including 100 Senators. It is the expectation of most Members of Congress that Capitol Hill Police officers know who they are. I was urgently trying to get to an important meeting on time to fulfill my obligations to my constituents. Unfortunately, the Police Officer did not recognize me as a Member of Congress and a confrontation ensued. I did not have on my Congressional pin but showed the Police Officer my Congressional ID. I know that Capitol Hill Police are securing our safety, that of
thousands of others, and I appreciate the work that they do. I deeply regret that the incident occurred.
I have demonstrated my support for them in the past and I continue to support them now."
He should have known who she was. I like the way she placed the blame squarely on the officer. All she has to do is wear a lousy pin, but it's his fault.
Reminds me of COPS eps when the idiots are caught doing something stupid and they say, "Officer, how can you arrest me? My little boy is watching" or "You're ruining my life," one of my all time favorites. Your stupid choices didn't ruin your life, the cop did. But I digress.
I also like the line about rushing to the meeting to "fulfill my obligations to my constituents." Nothing like layering on the guilt, eh? Bad, bad police officer. I'm trying to take care of my people and you're annoying me with stupid rules I'm expected to follow. How about getting to work on time, next time, Congresswoman? Yet another lawmaker who thinks rules weren't made for them.

Thursday, March 30, 2006

its all about the money

Wow, kids. Tune into Oprah tomorrow and you can see the Queen of "it's not about the stuff"
show off her brand new 4,500 sq foot Santa Barbara home.

In an upcoming Enquirer article, Whitney's sister in law tells how Whitney spent days in her bedroom "amid
piles of garbage smoking crack, using sex toys to satisfy herself and ignoring personal hygiene." Oh that should be interesting...
If nothing else, maybe I can find out what color dildo Whitney uses.

Remember when South Park used to be funny? Sigh...
I love the part where Kyle's mom shows up and you hear the collective GASP.
Holy shit, dude! Ahhh, the good old days.

Stephen Colbert: "I know there out feminists out there who say 'pologamy demeans women.' So does reading 'Cathy'."

I love the pretentious young punks in our area who feel the need to turn their car alarms on at the Dairy Queen. Yes, the DQ parking lot IS a breeding ground for high crime in our two full time police officer township.

May I just say that I had no idea Nicole Petallides was so doggone popular until I mentioned the whole "head nodding" thing.
I've seen a bunch of search strings with her name since. Here's a pic I found...

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

heaven freezes hell closes

This post needs to be read from the bottom up...

Ok, Jay, this is for you. I'm sorry I gave you too much information by talking about buying a dildo. I blame my vagina.
LOL....Is that better?

Michael Brown: "FEMAs only 2500 people. We can move on a dime."
Stephen Colbert: "And what dime were you standing on during the hurricane?"

Michael Brown: "We WERE there [in New Orleans]."
Stephen Colbert: "Nobody could see you though."

Michael Brown: "What changes were made to improve FEMA since?"
Michael Brown: "Zero."
Stephen Colbert: "You're gone though, right? That's nothing?"

You know that medicine's usual response to cancer is to cut and burn. Yesterday I heard a newstory that said they found high doses of Vitamin C causes the production of hydrogen peroxide which kills the cancer cells. Gee, wouldn't that just be a kick in the teeth to the phamaceutical industry, who would no doubt immediately make Vitamin C a prescription drug. But I'm sure they'll immediately discredit the study and continue to manufacture drugs that don't address the problem....without causing a whole bunch more problems.

Good grief it never fails. I started out reading Angela Hoy's article on how to handle people who steal your work and put it on their site without paying you, and the next thing ya know I'm taking a quiz called "How Blonde Are You?" Sigh. Talk about being easily DISTRACTED! Ugh.
Golden Blonde, btw, men see me as flirty and fun, yet deep and thoughtful.
Yeah, uh huh. Men use the word "deep" to describe me all the time....

Ok, Bugzzz just told me something I never knew. She referred to my dildo as "BOB". When I asked her what that meant, she said, "BOB"=battery operated boyfriend. I guess mine would be more of a NBOB. Not battery operated boyfriend. Or even HHB=hand held boyfriend.
Ok, now as much as I enjoy talking about my dildo, enough, people!

I was reading an article about chewing gum and apparently Wrigley is looking to connect chewing gum with losing weight. They're saying it's a 5-10 calorie snack, but I read another more interesting article on chewing gum a few months back. The article stated that continuously chewing gum is one of the WORST things you can do because it keeps a constant stream of sugar/artifical sweeteners in your body, which affects your insulin levels. That makes sense when you think about it and we all know people who chew gum like it's going out of style. Unfortunately, my dentist's assistant is one of them. She has such a huge wad of Hubba Bubba in her mouth all the time I'm amazed she can speak.

Zal sent me this story about Britney Spears hiring midgets for her husband's birthday party.
My first thought was, "Gee, Spederline must have a midget fetish." Then I read the complete story.
I liked this part, "Everyone found Britney's surprise really hilarious. Kevin and Britney and their friends were in fits."
Must be wonderful to be so rich that you can use others as the butt(s) of your jokes, huh? I knew they didn't have class, but
gee, do they have to keep proving me right?

So I was thinking about Jay's "too much information" comment last night and
I realized that for ME talking about sex isn't too much info. For ME talking about your bathroom
habits like "I haven't taken a shit all week" or when somebody says "I vomited all night long"
THAT is waaaaay too much information for me.

Bugzzz writes: "Goddess, I'm SO glad you posted that comment about your dildo."
See, Jay? I knew it would affect SOMEONE'S life! Matter of fact, I think it's changed her life entirely!
And you're welcome, Bugzzz.

Wow. I actually had one WHOLE MONTH when Overtime Hawg had to stick to her own damn schedule.
So far this month she's hit me up for two days. Looks like I'm gonna have to start refusing again.
And again, the drama..."oh my husband has to have medical tests and I need to be there." Uh huh.
Lord knows I don't believe any of it, but I said yes. Because I said yes to that, she
immediately hit me up for another day off in June. I give an inch and she never fails to take a mile.

Hmm, Jay thinks my dildo entry was "too much information." I don't think so. I mean maybe someone
reading this page will email me and say, "Goddess, I am SO glad you posted that comment about your dildo.
I bought a red one and a vibrant green one. The red one didn't feel nearly as good as the neon green one."
And I would have been none the wiser if I had posted about it...

I'm online ordering a double headed dildo. Who knew there were so many color choices?
So tell me, do I want a pink, frosted ice, blue, purple, red or black one? Lordy, it's easier to pick out a car...
I found one I liked on one site, but they wanted my Social Security number. No way in hell am I giving that sort of personal and IMPORTANT information for a lousy sex toy.

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

takin care of business

I think Fear Factor has to be one of the DUMBEST shows on tv. I was flipping channels
today and the nitwit chicks had to eat horse rectum. What idiots. Frankly I'm surprised they didn't tell them to
give the horses a rim job. I'm sure they would have been game.

Drug dealers are nothing if not creative. A California marijuana ring was manufacturing Pot Tarts, Stoney Ranchers, Buddhafingers and Munchy Ways.......
And yeah, I know it could fall into the wrong hands, blah blah, but damn it that's funny.

Although I HATE--yes, Mom, HATE--the COPS Mardi Gras eps, Court TV is airing a new
show tonight called "NOPD Mardi Gras" and I shall watch
mostly because I'm sick of seeing repeated COPS eps from the early 1990's. And of course, because of the Hott Cops!!

Ok, kids, the Fame Awards are up. Vote and make sure ya
write in Felicia Fox for actress and Mike South or Tim Case for actor.

The most popular cocktail of the last 100 years is.....*drum roll please* ...the martini!

Sharon Stone is still hot, but she does NOT look good with that fake long hair she's sporting for her latest movie.

I think the members of the small community where the preacher was shot by his wife
is going to get a very different picture of him when the truth comes out. Very often charismatic
people aren't so charismatic to those closest to them. They put on a very different face for the public.

Further proof that eating a lot of processed lunch meat is not good for you....

Further proof that going to Church is no good for you...
Why do people always get naked right before they go berserk?
Thanks, Zal.

OMG. Stephen Colbert was interviewing the Congressman Sherman of the San Fernando Valley and he kept bringing it back to the porn industry, which he insisted was in the Valley, despite the Congressman's denials. Stephen said, "Have you ever BEEN to your district?"
And then at one point Stephen said, "The San Fernando Valley has seen more tail than a toilet seat." Congressman Sherman kept saying, "Why do you keep talking about the porn industry? There is no porn industry in the San Fernanado Valley." Stephen said, "Congressman, are you ever afraid to order pizza or have a pool boy come to your house?" LOL...

I'm DRIVING to work in my Kia this morning and what do I see? Some guy DRIVING his HOVEROUND on the
highway. Excuse me? Is this not what I was almost arrested for?? Sure this jackass can get away with it. Where are the cops when ya need em...

Monday, March 27, 2006

suck it spade

Ok here's a trivia question for you boozehounds.
According to a survey of bartenders, what is the most popular cocktail of the last 100 years?
There was only one cocktail I could remember that was used in movies when I was but a little Goddess, so I got it first guess.
Some goofballs were guessing Banana Daiquiri's. Yeah, like they had Banana Daiquiri's 100 years ago...

What's the deal, people? Are ya trying to make me DIE of pent up sexual frustration?! First, I
watched a SO CALLED cop vid that Zal sent me. Turns out it was...UGH...a FEMALE cop. But I liked
her way of thinking. She made the guy play with himself a while before she had her way with him. THEN Eric
sends me this cop fantasy. DAMN. Lucky me. I got it twice yesterday.
Speaking of cop fantasies, I have to finish mine. Only problem is I get so turned on I have to stop.

I love the Century 21 commercial where the chick pretty much bullies her husband into buying a house,
even though he's clearly uncomfortable with the decision. She's like, "What?!" And then she says, "Suzanne researched this! We can do it."
As if that makes it allllllright.

I love it. Somebody came to my site after googling "trailer 'mike south' queen."

Whoa. Reading Garfield today was like a million conversations I've had with myself. He has his hand in the cookie jar and he says, "One cookie left...that one old cookie that's lain in the bottom of the jar forever covered in the ancient dust of a million other cookies and the fingerprints of a million grimy hands...stale, rock hard, and hideously malformed...the "elephant cookie" of cookies...and yet, as brutally graphic as my dissertation has been...I'm not going to be able to talk myself out of eating it."

Sunday, March 26, 2006

What happened to the dreams of a girl president She's dancing in the video next to 50 Cent

Ya know what makes me nuts? Besides dimes. I HATE DIMES!! You know they're annoying, don't lie.
Bugzzz sent me a url to a lawyer's website. They are accepting cases of people who have gotten diabetes from Seroquel, the same drug they are giving Mr. G's dad. Why are they permitted to keep this drug on the market if they know it is dangerous and the cause of some litigations?
I read that some of the older antipschotics were equally effective and are safer, although I always have to question the use of the word "safe" in the medical community.

Colours 'N Motion, a California company, is adding bling to people's wheelchairs. I think that's pretty cool. I may get my Hoveround redone.
It needs a leopard print seat and 24 karat gold dollar signs. And it'll only cost about $7k. The offspring's education money well spent. Oh, face it, other than Female Offspring #1 they're never gonna make it to college. Hell, they can't even find their way out of high school.

I saw the story of a woman who chained herself to her daughter to keep her from skipping school and running away. She was, of course, pulled over by the police, but she wasn't charged. Why is it that when you do something wacky--like say hiding a dead body in your trunk--you always get pulled over by the police for something simple and they find out what you've done? I can't imagine padlocking myself to any of my offspring, although I did once padlock myself to my chocolate stash. Hey, it loves me and it doesn't mouth off!!

I love Pink's video for Stupid Girls, especially the part where she pokes fun at Jessica Simpson's Dukes of Hazzard bit.

I notice that as I get older my attitudes about sex are changing greatly. For instance, when I was younger, I HATED quickies. ESPECIALLY if we'd do it and my husband would leave. That would bug me no end. I didn't mind it so much if we did it and *I* had to leave, but not the other way around. I'd get all upset, "I feel like a whore when you do that!" . Now I LOVE quickies.
This morning I was like, "Do me!" five minutes before I had to rush out the door. Ahhhhh, what a great way to start the day!

Damn. I forgot to tell my Paddy O'Furniture joke for St. Patrick's Day.
It's too doggone LATE to tell it now--ok here it is:
Q: What's Irish and sits outside in the summertime?
A: Paddy O'Furniture!

And this giggler....
Q: What are the best ten years of an Irishman's life?
A: Third grade.
Never fails to elict a laugh...unless you're Irish.

On COPS last night the one lady's husband was cooking meth in their TRAILER!!
Granted we smoke hams (and ummm, other stuff) in our trailer
in the summer, but meth?! Hell, no!
We cook that in the garage....

Goddess’ Hott Cop O’The Week awards go to: Detective Brian Nicholas of Pittsburgh, PA. Thank God.
I was beginning to think there weren’t any hott cops in The City of Mucho Street Heroin.
Officer Kevin Trussell of Chattanooga, Tennessee PD, and
Officer Robert Boothe of Spokane, Washington PD. All hotties squared.

So I'm chitter chattering with DB yesterday and he tells me South had to have emergency root
canal and he says, "Make up your own FUNNY STORY" to go with that. I'm like, "DUDE!! No!"
You can joke about the hillbilly accent, you can joke about the fact that his gf is young enough to be his daughter's daughter,
but you NEVER joke about someone having to get emergency dental work!! Apparently DB has
not heard of the 'what goes around, comes around' karmic rule of life.

Saturday, March 25, 2006

its a free ride when you've already paid

Awww, it's no hee haw. Buck Owens has passed away.

Ladies Home Journal listed 10 movies for the hopelessly romantic. They were: Pretty Woman, Sleepless in Seattle, An Officer and a Gentleman, Gone With the Wind, Titanic, When Harry Met Sally, Love Story, Casablance, The Way We Were and Beauty and the Beast. Evidently I'm not a hopelessly romantic kind of gal. I've seen Beauty and the Beast cuz one of the offspring has it, saw a bit of Pretty Woman until my "common sense voice" kicked in and said, "Get real. What are the chances of him finding a hot 'ho like that?" and "Hello? Can you say 'sloppy seconds...thirds...fourths...fifths...etc?" The rest I haven't seen. On the other hand, I've seen "The Little Toaster" 95 times....and not because I like it either.
I generally find that movies that are touted as "romantic comedies" always fall short of my expectations. I guess that's why I like romance novels so much better. Characters in a book can smolder, but the lack of chemistry between the lead actor and actress ruins it for me. I wanna see sizzle and schizzle.

Does anybody know if the Jenny Jones show is still on? I was watching Mo Collins
on Mad TV and damn, she does an EXCELLENT imitation of Jenny.

Too funny and I swiped it right from Max's site.., but if you're like me, you won't want to read this joke on an empty stomach....
A man wearing a ski-mask bursts into a sperm bank with a shot gun. "Open the fucking safe!" he yells at
the girl behind the counter. "But we're not a real bank" replies the girl. "This is a sperm bank, we don't hold money".
"Don't argue just open the safe or I'll blow your fucking head off!" She obliges and opens the safe door.

"Take one of the bottles and drink it!"

"But it's full of sperm" the girl replies nervously.

"Don't argue, just drink it" he says. She pries off the cap and gulps it down.

"Take out another one and drink it too!" he demands. The girl drinks another one.
Suddenly the guy pulls off the ski-mask and to the girl's amazement it's her husband.......

"Not that fucking difficult is it?" he says."

From the 'walking in a winter wonderland' file: I saw the neighbors--the proud owners of the Happy Birthday Jesus sign and the Christmas lights--and I said, "Still celebrating the old birthday for Jesus, eh?" She said, "Oh, the kids love it when I light the Christmas lights, so I keep doing it." I said, "My kids love to wet their finger and jam it into the electrical outlet, but you don't see me encouraging that kind of stupid behavior." Well, except that one time. In my defense it was a snow day and we were all bored. Hey, there's only so many macaroni and glitter crafts you can make!
But for Pete's sake, the letters are burning out, so they're celebrating "Ha--y Bi--hday J-s-s." Ugh.

Ms. Trivia aka Bugzzz writes: "BTW--it takes a week to make a jelly bean."
And yet they sell for about forty nine cents a bag. Go figger.

What the world needs now is love, sweet love and yet another search engine. Because that's the only thing that there's just too little of.
I received an email from asking me if I wanted my site included on their search engine. On a never ending quest for more website hits, I agreed. They emailed me yesterday and told me I had been added and to test it out. I went to the site and typed in The World of Goddess and got nothing. I typed in Goddess and got nada. Typed in Goddess of the Universe and got zilch. I typed in "hott cops" and I'm the first and only entry.
BTW, Zepti is looking for new sites so make sure you submit yours if ya have one.

I can be on the computer at work for hours and have no problem with the connection but it
seems like the minute someone starts talking to me, I lose the connection. I feel bad because sometimes
it takes me awhile to get back on. I don't want y'all to think I'm being rude or WORKING, God forbid.

Friday, March 24, 2006

Karma police, arrest this girl, her hitler hairdo, is making me feel ill

Ok a quick update on the status of Mr. G's dad. He went into the hospital about a month ago complaining of chest pains. He would get belligerent at night time, but otherwise was alert and knew what was going on. Now that he's been in the hospital a month, they've discovered that the chest pains were caused by giving him the wrong heart medicine for YEARS. He doesn't know any of us now mostly because they have him so drugged up all the time. He's prone to violence now and has absolutely no control of his bowels due to the Seroquel. His feet are swollen about four times their size and when I told the nurse about it last night she said, "Thats from him sitting in the chair. We don't want them laying in bed all day." Yes, much better that he should be sitting in an uncomfortable wheel chair for 8 hours a day, talking incoherently to himself in the hallway.
Three cheers for the modern medicine! Hip, hip, it blows!

I saw a commerical for Jelly Beans and it said, "Handcrafted from the finest ingredients." And what would those "fine" ingredients be? Corn syrup,
sugar and food starch? Oooo and FLAVORING!!

I saw a COPS segment from Chatanooga, Tennessee this afternoon. I've seen it a few times and every time I see it I have to laugh. A woman calls the police because her boyfriend's ex is in his house, tearing it up. Hottie Officer Christoper Smith comes to the door and starts through it with his gun drawn and pointing directly at the loony tunes and he says, "How you doin'?" And I'm thinking, "There's a big dude advancing on her with a loaded gun in his hand, how WOULD she be doing?"

Well now I know why I hate FOX news so much....
According to the Smoking Gun, Dick Cheney insists all television stations be tuned to FOX News when he stays at a hotel.
He also insists that ALL the lights be turned on. Great. The second in command of our country is afraid of the dark.

Well the barechested Officer Genualdo's wallpaper lasted a whopping day and a half on my laptop. Mr. G saw it and said, "WHO is this guy?" Now you all know I'm an avid COPS fan, so I've picked up a few tricks along the way....from the criminals. I know repeating stuff buys you time to thunk up lies. So I cleverly responded, "What guy?" He said, "This half naked guy on your laptop?" Again, COPS knowledge kicks in. "What half naked guy? Oh, him. Well truth be told he could be totally naked, honey, the pic ends at his waist." NOW I see why this stalling for time always ends up with the criminals getting arrested....

This year I'm going to do something I've never done before--no, I'm not gonna do that gangbang, maybe next year--I'm going to
enter the Writer's Digest Writing Competition. As many times as I've seen this advertised, I've never entered.
My usual thought consists of, "Oh, the Writer's Digest writing contest. I SHOULD enter," and then I promptly
forget all about it until the May deadline passes and I think, "damn. I should have entered".
I have no idea what I'm going to write, but I think I'm going to enter the memoirs/personal essay category.
I'm wondering if the personal essay category has to be non-fiction, though? After the whole James Frey fiasco,
I think memoirs would have to be true, but I'm not so sure about personal essay. Anybody know?

Speaking of Writer's Digest, I was reading my latest copy this morning and yanked SIX of those stupid subscription
cards out of it. Ok, we get it already, you want us to subscribe. Only one small problem. I'm already a subscriber.

One column that I love in Writer's Digest is Kevin Alexander's "The Writer's Life." Kevin is very funny and
gets his point across in a down-to-earth writing style that I really enjoy. His latest column about writers and
how self-centered they are, demanding constant feedback was very funny.

Jay had a funny entry in his blog about beards and I've been meaning to post a link to it, but keep forgetting. Here it is.
It's the entry with the guy's face and different facial hair possibilties. Very funny.

I literally choked on my Yerba Mate tea yesterday morning
when I read this on "I Leave For Dayton Today meaning Updates Should Be Interesting:
For the next it isnt cuz Goddess is writing them...she is hiding from me cuz she knew I'd ask."
HIDING?? How in the world would I know he was even GOING to Dayton?!
(Besides the fact that his mother told me earlier in the week..) It was all I could do not to get online and
say, "Dude, that is SO NOT TRUE!!" but I knew he was still around and I was hiding...

BTW, South also writes this: "Wed night we have stripper karaoke at
Flamingo Showclub in Dayton. Drop my name at the door
and you get in for ONLY 5 bucks"
What he fails to mention is that normally the entrance fee is only 2 bucks.

Eric writes: "Today (23rd) is also the traditional date for the founding of Rome. Perhaps
people can observe it by having discussions on the impending decline and
fall of the American empire."
Nothing excites me more than a rousing discussion on the fall of the American empire!

While watching boxing last night with Mr. G, the announcers said, "Oh, look at that blood pouring down!" (the guy's face).
"That can't be good." Um, hello? Name one time when blood pouring down your face IS good. Fake tv wrestling doesn't count.

It's nice to know I can still turn Mr. G on, even if it is by accident.
He's been doing so much running around for his mother and visiting his father and making
arrangements for him, that on Tuesday night after sex I said, "The only time I see you anymore is when I have your cock in my mouth."
And no, I wasn't whining, more teasing than anything because I know he has been stretched to the limit lately.
So Wednesday afternoon he calls me on his lunch break and says, "Damn, am I ever horny."
I said, "Why?" He said, "I keep thinking about what you said about the only time you ever see me is when
you have my cock in your mouth and it's making me nuts."
So then *I* got turned on by the fact that *he* was turned on.

I was watching some adult DVD's last night and there are two things I find incredibly disgusting to watch and listen to.
I cannot stand to see a chick hock a wad of spit onto a guy's cock during oral sex and then HELLO sucks it right back up again.
And I HATE it when she makes gagging noises while
sucking cock. What's the deal with that? Is it supposed to build up his ego or something? Eh, I don't care why they do it. It grosses me out.

Thursday, March 23, 2006

this is how a heart breaks

mother of one Mike South...but we love her anyway.
Live it up, Kathy and have a great day!

Deputy Marc Taub writes: "My name is Marc Taub and I'm a Deputy for the Travis County Sheriff's Office.
I recently stumbled across your website. Just wanted to let you know that I love it.
I was featured on a cops episode this year, and will be on 2 others in the near future. I'm glad people like the show, and thanks for the kind words."
Deputy Taub was featured on the segment where the two stoners were puzzled as to why some guy broke into their home. The one he was interviewing broke into song. Oh, lordy, it was bad, and yet he managed to keep a straight face. Must be all that good po-leece training. I'm looking forward to seeing his new segments.

And here I thought South Park couldn't possibly suck anymore than it did last season. I wuz wrong.

I'm convinced Zal is totally dicking with me lately. If he sends me one more "hott cop" link that turns out to be a CHICK,
I'm gonna have to "accidentally" send him some hot pics of tranvestites. Speaking of Zal, he sends this story.

Why does Mary Titler Moore keep having plastic surgery?! We know she's older already. She's not fooling anyone.
I saw her on the 2006 TV Land awards show and her eyes have been stretched so much she looks Chinese.
And if her mouth gets any bigger she's going to be capable of swallowing small children whole.
Speaking of the TV Land awards, they have Tom Arnold doing the behind the scenes commentary.
Their motto? "Why waste money on quality entertainment when we can get
someone whose claim to fame was being married to a comedianne."
Too bad some of her wit didn't rub off.

Yesterday it was reported that there was a gunman in downtown Pittsburgh,
who was seen entering a building carrying a high powered rifle. Turns out it was some goofus shooting pigeons off the
roof, BUT of course the news was in full force. After they found out what it was in the afternoon,
I was watching the news at 4 on KDKA. They explained what had happened, THEN they said, "Stay tuned to
more live coverage of this event. "WTF?! There WAS no event, yet they're continuing to cover it?!
Just one more reminder why I hate watching the news...

MSN has a wacky new ways to meet someone article, and the five ways are: at a spelling bee, while grocery shopping, while commuting, at a "date my friend" party or in cooking classes. First of all, there's nothing wacky about meeting someone while grocery shopping.
I've met three of my husbands while grocery shopping. It's easy, too, to tell if they're single by the content of their grocery carts.
If you see maxi pads with wings in their cart, abort, abort!!
If you see Depends in their cart, danger, Will Robinson! They're probably still living with mom.
I met a potential husband at a spelling bee once. I eliminated him when he couldn't spell the word "commitment."
I met two husbands when I was on the way to work, and they were on their way to jail.
(I walked past the police station on that particular job.) Funny thing is they're still in jail. As are four more of my ex'es.
Hmm, what is it about me that drives a man to commit crimes?
I met Mr. G while working summers at the rendering plant. He was my boss and I knew he liked me cuz he promoted
me to be in charge of the road kill crew almost immediately. Hey, they don't give that job to just ANY slacker!
As far as the "date my friend" party goes, that's nothing new.
The offspring have held many a "date my mom, PUHLEEZE" parties.

Eric sends this: "Here's the page of a new organization
that I hope all pro-choice people will support."
Personally I don't support abortion, but I don't know what goes on in the hearts and
minds of women who feel that it's right for them, so I try not to judge them one way
or the other. The issue is rarely black and white.
I think women who do have an abortion need a strong support system because often they don't feel
they can talk to their families. I also think that a lot of them feel abortion is the end,
when really it's the beginning of a whole new set of problems for those who might be
emotionally at odds with what they've done, despite thinking it was for the best. This might
be a good place for support. Check it out and decide for yourself.

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

maybe somethings wrong with you that makes you act the way you do

A big THANK YOU to Officer Genualdo for sending me a couple pics.
They were FABULOUS, especially the one of him holding his gun.
Behave. It really WAS a gun.
BUT the second pic--the bare chested one is gonna look SWEET as wallpaper for my laptop!

I don't know Heidi Pike Johnson, I've never had any dealings with Heidi Pike Johnson and I have no idea whether or not the things they say about her are true. I don't know if she screwed somebody who belonged to someone else, took bribes at AVN or even if she deserves to be the XRCO trophy chick, but I've never let inconsequential
things like that stop me from offering my opinion in the past, so why start now? I read that Heidi lost weight, so no matter what is said about her, she has an automatic "get out of hell" free card. She can ALWAYS fall back on the "they're just JEALOUS" defense. It never solves/settles anything, but it sure as hell makes the user feel superior, doesn't it?

I was listening to one of Saddam's air force generals on TV today and he said Saddam did indeed have WMD,
but he took them to Syria before we invaded Iraq. Yeah, not like we didn't give him ample notice of our arrival. Hell, we did everything
short of a Hallmark greeting card. "Sometimes people don't get along, and even though it hurts, it's best to separate. Other times, separating isn't the answer. War is. We'll be arriving March 20, 2003. Don't bother to meet us at the airport, we'll be bringing our own transportation."

I was coloring my hair today--extra light ash blonde, thank you very much--and it always makes me laugh that they include plastic gloves so we don't get any of the dye on our hands. Yet the dye sits on the skin covering OUR BRAINS for up to 45 minutes--if you have stubborn gray--so what the hell? Our hands are more important than our brains?! And no blonde jokes, PLEASE. You're all just JEALOUS of my blondeness!!

I have installed *yet another* blog stats program. Let's see how many minutes it takes for this one to go belly up....

I nearly fell out of bed yesterday morning at 3 a.m. when the phone rang. How many GOOD news calls do you get at that time of the morning? Apparently the chick who was working night shift couldn't find the blood pressure monitor and she was calling me to ask where it was. I told her where I saw it last and she says, "Hold on while I look." Yeah, cuz I certainly have nothing better to do at 3 a.m.
Mr. G was *really* upset that she called. He said, "Why didn't she look for it before she got you out of bed?"
I said, "Honey, that would be too easy."

Gentlemen, I have but one question to axe you: Is *your* quiver full???
Bugzzz writes: "JimBob and Michelle Duggar have 16 children ranging in age from 6months old to 17. There are two sets of twins, and there are 10 boys and 6 girls. The family practices the quiver full method of parenting. Basically, they feel that children are a gift from God (and I agree, they are...however) and that they will continue to have children until God tells them when to stop. They do not worry how much this will all cost because "God will provide". To thier credit, none of them are on public assistance.

They have had three TV specials on the Discovery networks, and one on TLC. You can find more descriptions of their antics here. Snarkieness abounds!

Oh, and the next installment about the Duggars will air sometime in June. Apparently, they are headed to the Grand Canyon. Whee-doggie!
The special is called, "On The Road With 16 Children". Where I live, that's called going to an away game.

Man, unless you have seen one of these TV specials, it's really hard to see how cult-like this family is. It's like a train wreck, you cannot help but watch. All of the female children act subservient, they live on a 20 acre plot of land in Arkansas with the hope that "after the children marry, they will be able to build thier own homes right here next to us", they have formed thier own church in thier home and everything that they purchase is tax deductible....the list goes on and on. (NOTE: I have no problem with how people raise thier children, as long as abuse is not involved, and I also take no issue with those that choose to practice a different religion than mine...however....when you turn into a family of reality show flamewhores and televise your entire life, and get tons of free stuff in the process, then I think you are just asking for criticism). Just my two cents."
Let me just say one thing first off--THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH HAVING 16 OFFSPRING!!
That having been said, how many times have you heard the phrase, "You want something to cry about, I'll GIVE you something
to cry about!" while watching those specials? You better say A LOT or else! Cuz if she's one of thosegoody two shoes, 'I just luv my kids
lemme show ya their latest macaroni and glitter pictures" kinda moms, who never raises her voice, I'm not tuning in.
And they better have at least one kid that sets stuff on fire.
Hmm, Quiver Full Method, never heard of that one. I always subscribed to the "eh screw that condom.
what are the chances I'm going to get pregnant anyway?" method myself. 16 offspring later I'm thinking maybe it's not working
so well for me. BTW, what the hell IS a quiver? The last time I quivered I was using my Hitachi Wand, and now I'm trying to figure out if my quiver is full.
But hey, three tv specials??? Clearly I'm not pimping these kids as enthusiastically as I could be! Flamewhores they be!
Sure it's wrong to pimp your kids out for the bored tv community to make fun of,
BUT if that endeavor translates into $$$ and lots of it, how can it be a bad thing??
Haven't you ever heard the song "If Pimping You Is Wrong, I Don't Wanna Be Right"?
If you go to the Quiver Full site--and you really should--read the article on the dangers of vascetomy
and then somebody explain to me how they think a man
is susceptible to LUNG CANCER because he's had a vasectomy? I mean,
unless his cock was ...wait for it........................smokin'....bwahahahahaa!

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

wanted dead or alive

I like the new ad for a dental adhesive. It shows two people in the back of a cab, both probably 50 or 60ish.
The voice over says, "One of these people are wearing dentures." From the minute the commercial begins they start sucking face.
Then the voice over says, "Can you tell which one it is?" Hell, I can't even tell which one of them
has TEETH since they have their tongues shoved down each other's throats the entire time.

I *think* I may have actually gotten a different haircut this morning.
I'll let you know in a week because as we all know no matter HOW I get my hair cut,
it looks the same about a week later.

Damn. I read an article that says that women who list soaps and talk shows as their main type of tv entertainment have
lower scores on memory, cognitive skills and attention tests. Now when I can't remember where I put my keys, I can blame "those damn soaps."
No word on how watching too much COPS will affect me, but I'm willing to risk it.

MSN is running an article on how to end your dates. I find, "Get the fuck out, you stupid loser!"
works best. Unless you plan on ever seeing him again.

So now I'm thinking this whole thing with Chef and South Park
is just a ruse to garner ratings. They showed a commercial for the season premiere and it's still Chef with Issac Hayes' voice.
If it is, that's pretty pathetic. Almost as pathetic as the show has been.

What am I like cursed when it comes to blog stats? I've gone through three blog stat programs and now my current one is suddenly defunct. Sigh. For a stat whore, this is really KILLER.

This is what I love about the people who read my site. When they see I'm having trouble
coming up with topics, they jump right in and help out. Thank God for them because you know I don't like to keep up
with the news. Cuts into my soaps and COPS time.
Bugzzz sends this story and adds, "Now, according to things that I have seen since, like the news "ticker" on CNN, or MSNBC, or one of those other alphabet channels...I can't remember which one...anyway....the man killed the boy because he "entered his meticulously groomed lawn". What in the fuck is wrong with people?????"
Ya know, back in the day when I was young, men just used to run out onto the porch, shake their fist and scream at ya if you rode their bikes through their freshly cut lawn. The worst that could happen? The stress might give THEM a heart attack. Now they kill ya. My how times have changed.
All of a sudden, "I'm calling your mother and dad!" doesn't sound too doggone bad.
BTW, whatever happened to using attractive people for news anchors?
Here's another link to the story. Amazing what causes some people to snap.

Of the no smoking ban, Eric writes: "Actually, for a long time it wasn't known that smoking caused cancer.
Cigarettes were actually advertised as good for your health, and there's
no reason to suppose that many politicians didn't buy into this like
much of the public. By the time it became known that smoking was bad for
you, it was too difficult politically to try and totally ban it, easier
to just tax it. Only more recently, as smokers became a minority, did it
become feasible to start restricting where people could smoke.

I agree it's overkill to ban outdoor smoking. The rationale for banning
it in public interiors is to protect workers such as waitstaff from
second-hand smoke, although ideally that could be voted on at the
individual workplace. But that rationale doesn't apply outside."
I know that the government didn't ADMIT that they knew smoking caused cancer for a long time,
but I honestly don't believe that they didn't. How can you take a foreign substance like that, put it into your body day in and day out, constantly inhaling smoke into your body and think it's healthy for you? I think a large part of our problem in this country is
that WE (blindly) BELIEVE what the government and the FDA is telling us.

Lisa sends this joke: "The world was stunned by the news, this morning, of the death
of the Energizer Bunny. He was six years old. Authorities believe that the death occurred at approximately
8:42 PM last evening. Best known as the irritating pink bunny that kept
going and going and going.
"Pinkie" as he was known to his friends and relatives, was
alone at the time of his death. An autopsy was performed early this morning. Chief medical
Examiner, Dr. Dura Cell, concluded that the cause of death was acute cardiac
arrest induced by sexual over-stimulation.
Apparently, someone had put Mr. Bunny's Batteries in backwards,
and he kept coming, and coming and coming....."

Monday, March 20, 2006

our scars remind us that the past is real

Well now that's a tad strange. Issac Hayes is saying he never said he was quitting South Park and he has no idea
why that statement was given to the press. He said he's home minding his own bidness recovering from a stroke.

A 13 year old girl in Philly is being charged with the death of one of her relatives,
an off duty police officer. The 13 yr old argued with Officer Tyrone Talington, then later set the place on fire.
The girl ran from the house, but Talington was in the house seaching for HER when he died. How tragic and twisted is that?
Talington was a 9 year veteran of the force.

Sunday, March 19, 2006

my friend the communist holds meetings in his rv

Love means never having to say, "I whacked off my penis...."

Alex writes: "Have you been posting personal ads on Craigslist again???"
You can place personal ads and get your own HOTT COP??? Just for the ASKING??
**sharpens up a fresh #2 lead pencil**
I gotta laugh at her criteria, though. "Hot cop," that's it.
No "must have good sense of humor, kindness and a big ole schlong" crap for her.
While you're on Craigslist, read some of those personal ads. They're quite humorous. I liked the one chick who was looking for a Sugar Daddy.
In return for his moola, attention and devotion, she offers him her "undivided attention, devotion and an endless state of joy,
not to mention treasures of the heavens."
I'm guessing she works in the PR biz cuz she sure put a good spin on that pile of nothingness.....

So how does everybody feel about this anti smoking ordinance that was just passed in Calabasas, California?
The city passed a measure that prohibits smoking in most public places, indoors AND out, except for some designated smoking areas.
First of all, the government has allowed the sale of cigarettes knowing the dangers and their addictiveness.
You'll never convince me they didn't know. NOW that people are addicted to them, they place high taxes on them,
making them what? Like $4 or $5 a pack, and extremely expensive for someone who isn't able to stop smoking.
The one place that smoking isn't banned, that I feel it should be is restaurants. I'm not talking outdoor cafes.
Nothing is grosser than eating in a restaurant where people are smoking two feet away in the "smoking section."
I see both sides of the issue. I don't feel that I should have to pay healthwise for someone
else's bad habits--Lord knows I'm paying for enough of my own right now.
But I don't think smoking should be banned outdoors. Is it any worse than other air pollution, say from factories or cars?
The idea a few years back was to get smokers outside and not allow them to smoke indoors. Now they can't smoke
outdoors either. That just doesn't seem fair. And how difficult is it going to be for a lot of people who work there
who can't smoke inside or outside? They're pretty much have to go an entire day without a cigarette and
where does that leave the heavy smokers? They're all gonna be praying their office is near one of those
designated areas. The ordinance comes with a heavy $500 fine if you're caught smoking a few times. Yeah,
like cops aren't busy enough trying to catch criminals, now they have to round up those notorious outdoor smokers. Oy.

Court TV is running some new police shows, one of which is "World's Scariest Police Stings."
You know why they're the world's scariest, right? Because they're hosted by John Bunnell.
Those big caps and fake tan are enough to scare even the most fearless of men.
While I'm on the subject of Court TV, they pissed me off on Sunday. They kept advertising "all NEW episodes of COPS" for Sunday evening. Hell, most of them were from the late 90's and one was from 2003.

I was reading some of those personal ads on the link that Alex sent yesterday.
One was from a fat chick (she identified herself that way) who
ranted and raved about guys using her for sex, but said she was in the process of losing weight,
and that would never happen
again once she became thin. She then goes on to say that in the meantime she is willing to "accept proposals for fun and
sex games during my transition stage from guys with you-know-what’s OVER 9 inches."
One person replied by saying "Seek counseling ASAP."
Transition stage, eh? Is that what they're calling it now? Hell, I've been going through one of those for the last 20 years...

Goddess' Hot Cop O'The Day awards go to: Deputy Harry Thomas
of the Palm Beach County Sheriff's Department, District 3, in Florida.
Officer Felix Leon, West Palm Beach, Florida and
Officer John Smaistrla of Las Vegas, Nevada.
All the award winners get the joy of knowing they're hotties, AND a free "Kiss Me, I'm a Hott Cop"
button if they email me and tell me where I can send it;)

There was a fire at the apartment building where Female Offspring #1 lives over the weekend. Thank God she was home here with us when it happened. Ya know, if I had to choose between a trailer or a brick apartment building going up like tinder, I would have chosen trailer. I wuz wrong. Her 'stuff' is ok, but she won't be able to live in the apartment for several months and that has her bummed. She really loved it there and we were happy she was in the neighborhood she was.

this is the sound it's time to get down

Ya know what grabs my ass besides Mr. G? I have an MSN spaces blog, 2 Google Blogspots and a Live Journal blog.
Yet what am I constantly getting group and friend invites for? Frickin' My Space! The one place I DON'T have a blog.

South writes: "OK lets get it right
It aint a "cane"
it is a "pimpin stick"
I guess I must bow to your pimping expertise, but I think it depends on the age of the pimp. If dude is 65 or older, it's a CANE.

Well the leprechaun traps were trapping Stupid Cat. Twice. Sigh.
Not to worry. We released her to roam free among her own kind...the unintelligent.
The offspring were greatly disappointed that they didn't catch any leprechauns, but I think I made them feel
a lot better when I explained that Stupid Cat probably ate them.
The offspring are already busy trying to decide which Easter crafts they want to make. I suggested an Easter Bunny
trap. Hey, rabbit would make a great snack for Stupid Cat.
Of course, Male Offspring #5 immediately suggested a depiction of the Last Supper using jelly beans.
Yes, I'm sure Jesus would appreciate having a purple jelly bean for a head.

Good grief, what were the Dallas Cowboys thinking when they picked up Terrell Owens for $25 million plus a $5 million dollar signing bonus?
This is the same guy who stomped all over the Cowboy's logo at Texas Stadium a few years ago! If his football career ends, we know that Terrell can always carve out a career in porn. You can be rude and insulting and get taken right back "into the fold" there, too.

Dang. Free HBO this weekend, and aside from boxing for Mr. G, there's not a doggone thing I'm interested in. I was toying with watching/taping "Million Dollar Baby" and "Because of Winn Dixie," but I don't know if I will. Hell, it's either that or Scooby Doo. Sigh. The movie choices suck. You'd think they'd offer free weekends when they had something really GOOD on to lure new viewers.

Saturday, March 18, 2006

all i wanna do is have some fun until the sun comes up over santa monica boulevard

I was reading an article on MSN about dating a co-worker. Their tips included keeping it quiet, no public displays of affection, don't fight in the office,
no personal emails, don't let it affect your job [personally I think all of those tips are included under "keep it quiet"] and keep it professional if it ends.
Since I dated (and married) a boss, here are some of MY tips:
1. NEVER offer to carry his hat or cane.
Ooops. That's one of my rules about dating your pimp. My bad.
Ok, my list:
1. Screw your co-workers. But only figuratively speaking.
Go right to the top. Date your boss...or your Sergeant.
For those of you who INSIST on dating your co-workers or don't have the smarts to date your boss, you may follow the rest of these rules:
2. Never have sex on your desk...during office hours.
Unless you're porn actors, it might just tip people off to your relationship if you're trying to keep it on the downlow.
3. If you and he are talking in a group with other co-workers, never begin a sentence with "Hey, about that blow job I gave you last night..."
Then again why would you EVER have reason to begin a sentence with those words?
4. You're at work, and you just discovered he's had sex with your sister. Calmly crack him in the nuts as hard as you can, but SAY NOTHING!
That way, in case you were wrong, there's still a (slim to none) chance you might be able to resume your affair and your co-workers will still be none the wiser.
5. As much as we all enjoy it, do NOT let him walk up to you and fondle your boobs during a meeting.
That sort of behavior belongs in the employee lunchroom!
6.IF it ends, send emails to every one of your co-workers describing his struggles with erectile dysfunction.
Not like he's ever gonna be your BOSS, right?

Friday, March 17, 2006

even though my life before was tragic

FABU NEWS, KIDS!!! Yours truly is being considered for inclusion in the upcoming 2006/07 Manchester Who's Who Among Professional Women in Writing and Publishing book! The book includes "biographies of our country's most accomplished women." AND--get this--"inclusion is considered by many as the single highest mark of achievement." Personally I'd consider a several million dollar book deal as my "singlest highest mark of achievement," but hey, I'm sure this is a close second. Isn't this WONDERFUL?? I'm busy calling all my deadbeat relatives that said I had no talent. A big HI to my mother.
NOW..... somebody tell me where they've EVER seen any writing done by me under my real name and I'll almost believe they aren't trying to sucker me into buying their stupid book. I am filling out the entry for shits and giggles, though. Where it says website url, I'm putting my Hott Cops blog. Where it says "please tell us more about your business or organization," I'm writing, "My job is to surf the web and my hometown streets daily for HOTT COPS to jill off to!!" Where is says, "Job Title," I'm writing "HOTT COP Pimpette."
That'll learn 'em to toy with my hopes and dreams!

Happy St. Patrick's Day!! I'm not Irish, but kiss me anyway!!

Thanks so much to everybody who sent their best wishes for Mr. G. We had a good, long talk last night, and as you can tell, I'm in a much HAPPIER mood today. We BOTH are. We know what we need to focus on, we know we need to work on this together and we admitted the areas in which we weren't being honest with ourselves. Yesterday was a lot of fear based stuff, but today we're focusing on the positive and moving forward. And I KNOW his next check up is going to be much, much better. Our problem is that we approached this diabetes thing as if it was a one time deal, instead of a life long issue. He got a couple good reports and we fell right back to a lot of our old eating patterns. That doesn't work anymore.

Wow. You think you know a saint and then you find out something like this. Apparently St. Patrick wasn't even Irish. He was born somewhere in Roman Britain. He also didn't introduce Christianity to Ireland. St. Palladius did that. (I know that because I'm a HUGE St. Palladius fan.) And last but certainly not least, he didn't even drive the snakes from Ireland because geological studies show there were NO snakes in Ireland. Next I'll probably find out he didn't invent the green beer either! What a lazy ass slacker saint St. Patrick turned out to be. And YET he gets a holiday named after him, which proves you don't have to be a hard worker to get a holiday named after you, just have a good PR agent.

Whoa!! Alex (bless his heart. he made my day!) sent me this fabulous link to a police/actors site, which features police officers who are also actors. My only complaint? There ain't enough of 'em!!
Check out this hottie, Thomas Russo, a former NYPD Captain!!
Gawd, I LOVE that shaved head look! Talk about your daily serving of "HUBBA HUBBA"! My favorite part of his website is where it says, "Just a phone call away..." Would that it were true, baby!! Maybe I'll call him up and say, "Hey, I'm doing video and I need two cops. I already have the female lead," LOL! "and don't bother to bring clothes other than your uniform. You won't need em. Oh, and bring some KY and Jack Daniels for me..."

About Male Offspring #5's bedtime stories, Eric writes:"I'd think reading from *The Exorcist* would be just as bad. It
represents the same kind of superstition.
If you wanted to do poetic justice (as in "sparing not the paddleball"),
there are actually lots of bizarre and disturbing stories in the Bible.
You can probably find a list of them on some secular website."
Hmm, ok I'll look, but I think nothing would upset a Jesus freak more than hearing about the Devil.
BTW, love that "sparing not the paddleball" line.

Thursday, March 16, 2006

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

the young, the restless and the HOTT

WW sent me this link. It's a HOOT. Check it out. It's real 911 calls on Jay Leno. I love the one about the guy's tallwacker hanging
out and the chick who gets furious. The poor cop looked kinda intimidated in that segment!

Eric writes this about Nicole Petallides' head nodding: Goddess, I've been asked to relay to you that you aren't to mention this in your
blog again, for reasons of national security. Otherwise the Men in Black
will have to pay you a visit."
Ok, Eric, but just so you know, Linda Bell did the Bloomberg Market update today--NO head nods!!
BTW, send some "Men in Blue" instead.

OMG. I faced the BIGGEST dilemma today. On the Young and the Restless, Phyllis and Nick (a married man) were having an affair. On today's episode, Phyllis' teenage son Daniel walked in on them doing da nasty on the living room couch. (Honestly, haven't these people ever heard of having sex in the kitchen, for Pete's sake?) Anywho, he stormed out of the apartment and I knew from the spoiler that he was going to confront his mother in the second half of the show. Coincidentally, there's a COPS ep running during that same half hour on FX. Usually I just flip back and forth. The COPS segments usually being at ten minute intervals. Well, I saw that Daniel was returning to the apartment and flipped over to COPS. SON OF A BITCH!! It was the episode from Fort Worth featuring Hottie Award winner Officer Paul Genualdo. I'm like, "Nooooooooooo! What are the CHANCES of this happening?! Just when Daniel is about to let his mother have it with both guns!!" So I thought about it for all of five seconds before deciding that drooling over a hott cop was more important that the soap. Besides, Daniel will be so traumatized by this, he'll be flashing back to it until he's forty.

For all the Ohio-ites who read this page, may I say that Paul Hackett, who was running for U.S. Senator is QUITE the handsome man, especially in tight jeans. And in these troubling political times, isn't that a quality we'd ALL like our U.S. Senators to have? BRING HIM BACK! (Oh and he needs a little more meat on his bones, too...)

i know you like me i know you do

Because I'm hankering for that Mother of the Year award, I spent much of last night watching COPS...I mean, making leprechaun traps with the offspring while watching COPS. lordy, I hope these traps work better than the magic reindeer food that left three reindeer dead in my front yard a couple Christmases back. Hey, how was *I* supposed to know that replacing the oats in the recipe with old Halloween candy corn was not a good idea?! Oh the carnage. Not to mention the fact that you can't exactly flush dead reindeer down the toilet. I found that out the hard way! Damn.
Anywho, Female Offspring #7 wanted a "pot of gold" to put in her trap. I said, "Honey, if I had a pot of gold, I would be out spending it or having it molded into jewelry. I certainly wouldn't be using it to lure unsuspecting leprechauns into our trailer."
BTW, does anybody want to take a guess at what the odds of finding a leprechaun in the middle of a trailer court in Pennsylvania actually is? I'm guessing slim to none.
Since we had no gold laying around, I suggested she use some left over candy corn from Halloween for her "pot of gold." I mean seriously, not like lightening will strike twice, right?
So she used a box, propped it up with a stick and put her "pot of gold" inside the box. Oddly enough, leprechaun traps look a lot like cheap rabbit traps. And of course, on the outside of her leprechaun trap Female Offspring #7 wrote in big letters "NO LEPRECHAUNS!!: so that the leprechaun would read that and immediately think, "HA! No leprechauns, eh? Well, I'll show her!" and walk right into her well laid trap. She's clever.
Male Offspring #7 wanted to catch leprechauns, too, but clearly didn't want to put any effort into it. So he put a green bath towel inside Holly's old dog pen and left the door open. His "pot of gold" consisted of shiny things--because evidently most leprechauns are blonde. He put in some shiny pennies he stole from my cigarette and booze money, a shiny blue bong he stole from Male Offspring #1's room, and some green glitter that I'll be vacuuming up for the next six months. If that doesn't lure in a leprechaun, I don't know what will.

Mr. G is something else. I suggested that since Female Offspring #1 knows her way
around Pittsburgh, the City of One Way Streets and Mucho Heroin, that we go down
and take a day trip to the zoo. We went one other time on a bus trip and it was HORRIBLE because we HAD to stay at the zoo for six hours until the bus came back. Now I like the zoo but NOT six hours worth!
Mr. G said, "Yeah, that sounds good, but it can't be now because
we have to get my dad settled." A few minutes later he said, "And it can't be when it's hot because the animals are just laying around or too late in the day because I like to take an afternoon nap." A few minutes later I hear, "And it can't be all hours of the night or on a weekend because of too many people." I said, "So basically we have about a two hour window of opportunity between 10 & 12 on a Wednesday morning?" Nooooow I remember why we never take any day trips...

Glad to hear that Mim and her hubby and their animals survived the
tornadoes in the mid-west on Sunday with minimal damage!!

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

because i'm so in love with you

Nicole P. outside the New York Stock Exchange

Ya know what really stumps me? Besides history, geography, math, motherhood and science. At noon when I watch the news, Nicole Petallides does the stock Update and at the end, she always says, "This is Nicole Petallides with the Bloomberg Market Update," then she smiles AND SHAKES HER HEAD like three times. I keep trying to figure out WHY she's shaking her head all the time. And the guy that filled in for her did the SAME thing. What could it mean?

I'm hating these commercials for prescription meds aimed at women lately. Contrary to popular belief, when a group of women go to the art museum, they do NOT pull out their osteoporosis prescriptions and compare, and they don't pull out their hormone replacement prescription when having lunch with their friends.

I was actually feeling really good about the day until I did my Tarot reading and
discovered It was going to be a day of false promises, hesitancy, and unreliability…
Now I think I'll just go back to bed and wait for it to be over.

I just saw on the news that Peter Tomarken from the game show Press Your Luck was killed, along with his wife, in a plane crash. Press Your Luck is the older version of Whammy. His plane crashed yesterday into the Santa Monica Bay. There were on a volunteer medical trip.

Wow. It's like the Supremes all over again. At the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame induction service, the former members of Blondie who WERE inducted, were NOT permitted to sing onstage with Debbie Harry. The one former band member said LIVE on stage, "One thing that would actually make it better would be if we could perform with you tonight. But for some reason that's not allowed. What do you say, Debbie?" And she's like, "Sorry, sweetie, some other time." Then when he said, "Please?" She replied, "Can't you see my band is already ON stage?" he goes, "Oh, YOUR band." *insert snippy attitude here* "I thought the BAND Blondie was being inducted tonight." Apparently a couple band members sued her some years back for regrouping and leaving them out. OUCH.

Sharon Stone: "I would kiss just about anybody for peace in the Middle East."

I was thinking about the failed ports deal with the UAE, and I think Bush's fear based agenda has finally come back to bite him in the ass. He's the one who is forever pushing this terrorist agenda and how we should be afraid of possible terrorist attacks and how we need to give up all our freedoms to be safe. Oh, wait, he doesn't actually say that last part outloud.
NOW when the American public is upset about the UAE taking control of some of our ports, he's like,
"What's your problem? These people are our friends." Yeah, despite the fact that two of the 9/11 terrorists were from the UAE. Maybe trying to scare the HELL out of everyone isn't the BEST political strategy?!

Happy Steak and Blowjob Day!!!

Scientologist Issac Hayes has quit doing the voice of Chef on South Park because he feels a "line was crossed" with the recent episode in which Matt and Trey made fun of Scientologists. He said, "Religious beliefs are sacred to people, and at all times should be respected and honored," he continued. "As a civil rights activist of the past 40 years, I cannot support a show that disrespects those beliefs and practices." That's ironic, Alanis. He didn't seem to have any problem participating in the show when they were making fun of Catholics in that gross episode where the Statue of the Blessed Virgin was bleeding from the ass or the one where they were mocking the Mormon's beliefs. I think you'd be hard pressed to find even two or three episodes in which they DIDN'T make fun of Jews, so how can he possibly sanction some of the episodes in which they ridicule religion, but not others?

Guys, you might want to skip this paragraph. It's bloody awful. And I mean that in a menstrual sort of way.
Maxi pads piss me off. I thought when they came out with the "wings" that would be the end of bloody leakage!! [And I mean that in a English swearing sort of way.] But alas I was wrong. {For those of you that don't know what "wings" are, they are two strips on either side of the pad that come around the edge of your underpants and seal underneath so you don't have any leaks on the sides of your underpants. And they allow the pad to "fly" to the garbage can. Ok, not really.} While they no longer leak around the sides, they leak from the back. I thought buying LONGER maxi pads was the answer. Nay. I was wrong. I am now currently buying Mississippi River maxi pads--pads so long that they begin at my belly button and end at the small of my back, and yet they are STILL leaking!!!! I don't get it. I have a wet pad in the front, about fifty two inches of dry pad and then about half a cunt hair from where the pad ends--LEAKAGE!!!

I was just watching some of Strangers With Candy. It airs on Comedy Central if you haven't seen it. It's very funny. On this episode, Jeri's parents send her to Indian camp to get in touch with her Indian heritage. It shows her shooting bows and arrows, then learning how to deal at black jack.

Interesting that today's Yahoo news had a story about how Crestor is able to "reverse heart disease" now that so many people are pushing for it to be removed from the market. The study said that people taking "highest dose" of "the strongest of cholesterol lowering drugs" saw a shrinking of their artery blockages, BUT they still have no idea as to whether or not this will lead to fewer heart attacks. What I find interesting is that they didn't mention ANY negative side effects from taking a high dosage of such a strong med, so until they're willing to disclose the good AND the bad, I'm not putting too much stock in this.

Monday, March 13, 2006

am i hott or not

Mim writes: :you know all the people who have issues with your indepth and frank discussion on the attractiveness of this nations law enforcement personnel should shut the hell up. I came for the hott copps I stayed due to the witty banter.

IF they don't like it then they can go find blogs that boringly chart Jessica Simpson's love life or Brittney Spears on again off again wearing of shoes in public restrooms EWWWWHHHH barefoot in a public potty just gross, if I had respect for her before *notice the word if ... that would have killed it completely!!!* but since there was no respect before there is even less now.

Anyways, just wanted to let you know Goddess that I like when you chronicle the hotties, then later when my hubby and his nephew are watching cops I can give them both a running commentary of just how hot the cops they are watching are based on the Goddess system of hottness....

Just thought I would let you know *smile *"
Ha! Take THAT hott cop UN-fanatics!! Thank you for your support, Mim!

it's a perfect day nothing standing in my way

If anybody knows of any good, FREE photo hosting sites for blogs that
I don't have to sell my mother to get, please email me and let me know.

I was watching Family Feud and the question was, "Name something you should never buy used." Naturally people were saying things like mattresses, underwear and clothing. One chick said, "Food." We won't even go there.

Wow. I saw a brand new tv on the news today that has a complete computer inside. Can you imagine watching tv and trying to "ZIP" around the web on dial up? BWAHAHAHAHA.

Ok, my one co-worker is doing something that just creeps me out. She goes through the garbage every day. I don't mean going through the garbage as in trying to find a half eaten candy bar to finish, Lord knows we all do that. But she goes through the garbage looking for that all important TIN CAN so she can take her 85 gabage bags full of cans and collect her $1.23 at the end of the month. She's one of these people who lives likes she's dirt poor, but she has a couple jobs, a couple rental properties, a home of her own and a good income, so her lazy ass nephew will probably inherit a fortune when she dies. I don't believe in living extravagantly--Lord knows I don't--but these people who eat food they don't like because it was FREE or wear clothes that look gross on them because they were FREE, just baffle me. Most of us are only going around once--I might come back, I haven't decided yet--so why not enjoy yourself IF you have the means to do so?

Yikes. One day of free agency and already we've lost Anton Randle El to the Washington Redskins.
Can't says I blame him though. I thought it was ridiculous
that Jerome Bettis had to take a pay cut two years in a row, one of almost 80% in 2004, to stay with the Steelers. If I were Anton, I'd go
with the money, too. He's obviously not going to get it in Pittsburgh.

They had yet another big story on women and calcium supplements on the Today Show. I wish these health people would get with the program and start telling women to take the MAGNESIUM WITH the CALCIUM, instead of just calcium. Minerals work together from what I've been reading and if you're taking calcium, it should always be taken with magnesium for the optium absorption and effectiveness. Perhaps that's why the calcium studies are showing no progress in this area. It's not being taken properly. I never take a hard calcium tablet either. I always take the liquid calcium. The hard tablets are like rocks and there's not a whole heck of a lot of a chance that much of the calcium is even going to be absorbed. If you'd like a GREAT source of information on using NATURAL vitamin and minerals therapy to help your health problems, check out "All Your Health Questions Answered Naturally" by Maureen Salamon. She is a WEALTH of information and way ahead of the mainstream medical community on a lot of these things. I see a lot of the things she talked about years ago, coming to pass just recently.

We went to visit Mr. G's dad again last night. Yet another depressing experience. I don't understand the way the "medical" profession thinks. Actually I do, I just hate to think about it. My f-i-l was complaining of headaches and I approached the nurse and said that I knew headaches were a side effect of Seroquel and perhaps they needed to consider changing the meds? When your loved one is in a situation like this, where he or she ISN"T being heard for whatever reason, you owe it to them to take their concerns seriously. And that's what we've been trying to do. I said, "He's also been complaining of backache, another side effect." The nurse said, "Oh yeah, but we've determined his headaches and backaches are due to the car accident he had." The car accident she's referring to happened over FIFTY YEARS AGO. I have NEVER known my f-i-l to have problems with headaches or backaches. So what does she do? She gives him a MUSCLE RELAXANT. Yes, because you always want to go with the strongest medicine possible so the patient is dopey and leaves you alone. Sigh.

Because the dr. keeps pushing my husband to take cholesterol lowering drugs and because he's adamently against it, we pretty much read whatever we can about heart attacks and whether or not cholesterol really has anything to do with them. I read that all of these statin drugs are doing nothing to stop the incidences of heart attacks, they're still up, and if you'll recall I've mentioned before that most of these drugs can cause severe liver damage as a lovely side effect. Well, NOW that the medical world is learning more and more that the heart attack problem is due to inflammation and NOT high cholesterol, I read that the pharmaceutical companies are scrambling to manufacture a good non-inflammatory. Yeah, you can't use Vitamin C or natural products like aloe vera for stuff like that. You need a prescription that'll create a zillion other problems. You'll notice, too, that all of a sudden they're finding different reasons to use the statins? That's so they don't lose the tons of money they've put into pimping these drugs.

Sunday, March 12, 2006

hitchin' a ride

Speaking of sending my offspring to private schools, it really seems to be paying off. There's an ad in today's Parade on the back page that says, "H-NGER"--the problem can't be solved without you." Male Offspring #1 came into the kitchen and said, "Mom, I didn't know there was a hanger problem in the world." Before I could answer, Female Offspring #2 said, "That's not a "hAnger problem", you idiot, it's a "hunger problem." I'm thinking, "Good for her. Repeating the 9th grade three times has really paid off. As had repeating 10th grade three times." And she says, "H-O-U-N-G-E-R, idiot squared." Sigh. And to think, I almost stopped drinking when I was pregnant with these two twits.

I was reading an article about schools on MSN that focused on trying to decide between private or public schools. Now this is something Goddess has LOTS of knowledge of since I have 16 offspring, some of which came pretty doggone close to graduating. But in their defense, a couple of them were arrested before they had a chance to graduate.
You have to consider the curriculums of both schools, the teacher's strengths and weaknesses, and the cost. Then you need to consider whether or not the cost will cut into your cigarette and booze money, and whether or not the school is conveniently located near a store so the kids can buy said cigarettes and alcohol for you on their way home. Weigh all the factors---ok just the money and the location--and *carefully* decide what's right for you...I mean your child.

I asked Female Offspring #1 how her ratsitting duties were going and she remarked about how "cute" the rat was. I said, "That's funny. You never seem to think rats are cute when one comes running out of the garage headed straight for you!"

One of the chicks at the local grocery store bugs the tick out of me. First of all, she's probably my age or a year or two younger and she's constantly calling me "Ma'am." "Did you find everything you need, Ma'am?" "Have a nice day, Ma'am." "I'm trying to make you feel old, by constantly call you 'Ma'am', Ma'am." Secondly, I can have two items and the twit will say, 'Ma'am, do you need help out to the car with those groceries?" JUST ONCE I'm gonna say, "Yeah, I need you to walk my diet Pepsi and can of unsalted peanuts to my car.
I'm afraid my brittle old bones will snap under the strain. And whatever you do, don't pack them in a paper bag or the added weight will be so tremendous I'll have to drag the bag out of the store."

Here's a few things I saw on the way home from work yesterday that I don't ever want to see again. A chubby (and that's being kind) chick who was old enough to know better, was dancing in the rain in her pajama bottoms and BRA. Now that's a great look if you're say, Jessica Simpson, not such a great look if you're say, forty pounds overweight. BUT that's only part of the thing I don't EVER want to see again. I don't EVER want to see said chubby chick turn around with her butt to the street as she's dancing and dig the pj's out of her ass crack.
I never again want to see the chick in the blue car in front of me again. She sat at the green light so long I had to stick my head out the window and yell, "MOVE ALREADY!!" before she finally bought herself a clue.
I don't ever want to see some blue haired grandma, chainsmoking while she walks her dog in her robe at 5:30 in the afternoon.
But if I DO have to see that, CINCH THE DAMN ROBE, grandma!!
Yes, I DO have my period. Why do you ask?!

Those of you that have bitched INCESSANTLY--and yes, you know who you are--about me mentioning HOTT COPS will be happy to know that I'm keeping the majority of my comments on my Hott Cops blogspot, BUT cops from Saturday shows will be mentioned here. Mostly because I heart my little sexually oriented emoticons!! BITE IT if you don't like it!!That having been said....
Soooo many hott cops this week my mouth was watering!!

Goddess' first Hott Cop O'The Week Award goes to: Officer Michael Montalbano from New Orleans, Louisiana.
He's a sexy good looker I've wanted to mention for a long time.

Second and third award winners are: Sgt. Jason Synder and Detective Joe Lewis from good old Picksburgh, PA, Land of Much Street Heroin.

Fourth hottie of the night was Officer Derrick Pendergrass
of Chattanooga, Tennessee. After watching his segment, I gotta say a grown man crying because he was caught with an open
can of beer is about as pathetic as you can get. Can I get a "WEENIE!!", people?!

The last segment on COPS was a tad freaky. A man and his wife were watching Trading Spouses and one of the guys on the show "seemed" gay to them. The man said he would beat any child of his who was gay and they started arguing about that, even though their own child was only 16 months old...the poor thing. I'm almost positive the guy was upset by the Trading Spouses man's "homosexualallergy" instead of "homosexuality." I listened two or three times and that's what I heard each time.

Saturday, March 11, 2006

honey i got the blues from riding all night in these high heel shoes

Claude Allen, the man George Bush nominated for a seat on the U.S. Court of Appeals, and his former domestic policy advisor
has been arrested for possible theft.
Bush said, "If that's true...well, hell, we better count the silverware here at the White House." Ok, maybe he didn't say that.

Gals, don't forget. Tuesday is Steak and Blowjob day so you better be shoring up your plans
with your special (or not so special) someone right about now!! Last check, Hallmark still doesn't have the all important
Steak and Blowjob cards out on display yet, but don't be afraid to ask the clerk! I got a cute one for Mr. G. It shows a hot blonde on the front and it reads, "My steaks and blowjobs have one thing in common..." On the inside it says, "They're both well done!!"

Anybody familiar with Neil Young's songs? I'm looking for the name of the song he wrote about his dog, please!!
Any help is greatly appreciated.

I was watching CNN yesterday and they had a story about the many kidnappings that are taking place in Iraq. Apparently kidnapping cells are quite common and it's not unheard of for the kidnappers to request high ransoms. One guy said they asked $100k for his son and he refused to pay it. They asked him for $50k and he said, "I will build his funeral tent before I give you a cent." I am ever so grateful he's not MY old man. One guy said he paid $30k for a family member and they kidnapped another member of his family and he was forced to pay $20. No word on why the ransom was different but I'm guessing they gave him the "multiple family member kidnapping discount." One of my offspring was kidnapped once. The kidnappers called and said they wanted $50,000 and they'd give him back. I'm like, "Give him back?! Why would I want him back when I have seven more just like him at home?
Personally I was kinda hoping you could take a couple more off my hands. And where the hell do you think I'm going to get $50k? I live in a trailer and drive Kias, for Pete's sake." Heck if I had $50k, I could have afforded to buy birth control in the first place....

Holy shit, it's worse than I thought. Eric was serious when he guessed "Ronald Regan" was the mystery man in the picture.
Can you imagine what the kids would look like if Whitney Houston and Eddie Van Halen did the nasty right now?

Bugzzz writes: "Random Thoughts: The other day, the Buglet decided that he wanted Arby's for lunch. Great, more food he asks for, and then refuses to eat. Anyway, I pull up to the drive-thru and the entire resturant is plastered with signs that say, "Now Serving 100% Natural Chicken." Which leads me to ask, "What the FUCK were they serving before??"
Ewwwww! One *more* reason why the Arby's in my town is ALWAYS deserted...

I also saw a story on CNN about road rage. Apparently some jackass in Detroit began ramming an SUV with two pregnant woman inside, and tried to force them into on-coming traffic until the police arrived to save them. The "funny" part about this story is that I guess the women declined to be interviewed on camera--until Oprah calls, that is--so instead they focused the camera on their pregnant bellies the entire time the women were talking. Here's guessing the ladies regret not showing their faces now.

I posted the sweetest little baby picture of Mike South in today's update on my main site. Check it out.

Friday, March 10, 2006

i've seen the needle and the damage done a little part of it in everyone

This is what the good people of Campbell's soup said in their response to my email asking why they were still showing the McNabbs on their commercials instead of the SUPER BOWL WINNING STEELERS: "Dear Playboy Playmate, (Ok I may have exaggerated my identity a tad)
we received your message and appreciate your taking the
time to contact Campbell Soup Company about our advertising. It is very
helpful to hear what consumers like you have to say - good or bad - about
the way we promote our product. (Like "you suck"?)

Our advertising is developed to generate awareness and interest in our
products in a truthful and responsible manner.
(Yeah, but WHERE ARE THE STEELERS, asswipes?!)
We take pride in our
reasonably priced, ("reasonably"?! HA!)
high quality products and believe that our advertising
program has played a key role in communicating this value to consumers.
(McNabb BLOWS!! Communicate that!)

At Campbell, our number one priority is to delight our consumers.
(Really? I thought it was to sell crappy soup.)
appreciate your feedback. I will share your comments with my advertising
team so that they too may benefit from your insight.

We will be happy to send you a complimentary coupon via mail. Please
respond to this message with your complete mailing address.
(That's Playboy Playmate, c/o The Playboy Mansion, and include an extra one for Hef, will ya?
He likes to eat your beans & weenies straight from the can.)

Thank you again for your comments. Please contact our Consumer Response
Center or visit Campbell's website if we can be of further assistance."
I'm so happy they addressed my concerns! Mutha fuckers!

Lynn Swann is planning to run for gub'ner of PA in the upcoming elections. He has a firm stance on most of the issues...unfortunately, nobody seems to know what that is. I was reading an article about him in the paper and a lot of people were saying they would vote for him. Most often mentioned reasons why? Because he was a former Steeler and/or a Republican. IF those are your strong points, God help us. Swann was asked to debate the issues and at first he said he would, then he was considering nixing the debates. Now is the time for him to get his ideas out there and let the people know what he's thinking. If you're unsure where you stand on the issues or unwilling to admit where you stand when you're running your campaign, what are you going to be like in office?

Once again the local paper is having a beautiful baby contest. Gawd, my heart goes out to those kids who only have 2 and 3 votes. At twenty five cents a vote, you'd think Mommy and Daddy would spend at least a buck and VOTE FOR THEIR OWN DAMN KID!!

Robin, the CNN anchor, was discussing the memorial service at the Atlanta courthouse where the shooting took place last year. A reporter chick was standing outside the courthouse on the scene talking to Robin about a two hour special CNN is running tomorrow night. She said, "Robin, I asked Ashley Smith some hard hitting questions: did she know Brian Nichols before? had she done drugs with Brian Nichols before?" and when Robin asked her for the answers, she, of course, gave the coy, "You'll have to watch the show tomorrow." Puhleeze. IF Ashley Smith HAD known Brian Nichols before their encounter, it would certainly have come to light before NOW. Lord knows the media was up her ass for weeks about the whole incident. Then the reporter says, "In this special, we also take Ashley back to the crackhouse where she used to live." Yeah, just what every former crack addict needs--temptation.

Thursday, March 09, 2006

the last time i saw elvis he was shootin at a colour tv

Cigarette sales have dropped to the lowest in 55 years. DUH. Combine the high price of
cigarettes with the low wages of the average American and WHO CAN AFFERD cancer?
Loadin' up on Little Debbie snack cakes and getting diabetes is the best anyone can hope for anymore.

Ok you people are lousy guessers. The mystery man was NOT Glen Campbell (you weren't alone, Jay, Peggy and Karen guessed the same), NOT Ronald Regan ( ha ha, Eric), NOT Eddie Vedder (you probably had the right guy in mind, Bugs, but gave the wrong last name) and no, Keith, it's not the guy from Ed. Hell, he doesn't even LOOK like the guy from Ed. Thank you once again for jerking my chain.
SodaPop guessed it correctly: the pic was Eddie Van Halen. SodaPop wanted to know if she "won" anything for guessing correctly. Yes, indeedy. You have "won" the joy of knowing you guessed correctly. Hey, I'm operating on a (non-existant) budget here!

Wow. I know I truly live in an exciting part of the country when the front page story of the city newspaper is about a guy who was able to grow ONE PIECE of tropical fruit on his back porch. (Take THAT, SodaPop! You think Vegas is wild! HA!)
What is this miraculous event of which they speak?!
Now this is not just ANY tropical fruit, people. It's fruit that he could walk into any grocery store and buy for two whole dollars.
Again, not only newsworthy, but FRONT PAGE newsworthy.

Female Offspring #1 was going to come home this weekend but she said she can't now because she's babysitting. I said, "See? You bitched about all that free babysitting I forced you to do, but it gave you the necessary skills to properly care for babies in your spare time. What's the baby's name?"
She said, "It's a rat, Mom."
I said, "All babies have their little quirks. That's no reason to call them names."
She said, "No, I'm "babysitting" a rat."
I said, "Phew. Good thing because the last time you babysat Male Offspring #7 he toddled off and he never did return!"

Even MORE exciting local news: one of the local muncipalities was trying to pass a law requiring the Amish to diaper their horses when they're inside the city limits, but it didn't pass. Hell, I would be happy if they forced them to put reflective stickers on their buggys.
They could put them right next to their "I brake for no one" bumper stickers.

Well I'm starting to get a complex. Today when I went to the chiropractor, guess who was in the waiting room? A nun! Same as last time. That's like four times in recent months that I've come in contact with nuns after YEARS of 'un-nunly' bliss. Anywho, this nun was talking about confession to one guy and she mentioned some elderly SHUT IN who hadn't gotten out to confession for TWO WHOLE WEEKS. She said, "It's just easier to go every week." I'm thinking "She's a farking old shut in! How much trouble could she possibly have gotten into?!"
Even when I was active in the Catholic Church if I went to confession once in a year I felt like that was a major accomplishment. Every week? My life is just not that sinful-ishous.

Ok, people, I couldn't stand it for ONE MORE SECOND, so I emailed the Campbell Soup company and asked them WHY they are still running those friggin' Johnathan McNabb soup commercials? I asked them where their commercials with the SUPER BOWL WINNING PITTSBURGH STEELERS were and I shall let you know what they have to say on the subject. Enough is enough already!
Speaking of the Super Bowl winning Steelers, their merchandise is selling 5x's more than last year's winners and 40% of all sports merchandise for this year has been Steeler related. Mr. G finally got his way cool jersey. I ordered it the day the Steelers won and they were so backlogged on orders that he just got it this week.

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

i've got to run away i've got to hide away

I can't believe nobody knows who the mystery guy is! Keep guessing!

What's a Goddess gotta do around here? I've been trying to stop drinking diet Pepsi (yet again!). So I limited myself to one bottle only.
Yet every doggone time I open a bottle, somebody ELSE takes it upon themself to FINISH IT!!!!!! Grrrrrrr....
So yesterday in my frustration, I wrote "Do Not Drink!!! POISION" in huge letters across the bottle. Sho' nuff, the bottle was empty an hour later when I went to get my last glass. This time the culprit was Mr. G. (Here's another one of HIS favorite tricks. He likes diet Pepsi cherry, diet Pepsi vanilla and diet Sierra Mist, NONE of which I care for. He will drink up ALL the diet Pepsi and then he'll have all HIS crap to drink and I have nothing. DOUBLE GRRRRRRRRR....) I said, "Why in the world did you drink that diet Pepsi? It said "POISON" on it!" He said, "I wanted to see if it was really poison." TRIPLE GRRRRRRRRRRrrr....
But now I have an INGENIUS way of murdering my entire family--just put a bottle of diet Pepsi
in the fridge marked, "Do Not Drink!! Poison!!"

James Blunt was on Oprah singing "You're Beautiful" today. Loooove that song.

I woke up this morning to find Stupid Cat on the pillow next to me. I dozed off and later I felt two
little paws on my forehead and I'm like, "Oh, hell no!" I brushed her off the bed onto the floor.
I know damn well that cat was like 30 seconds away from rolling over onto my face and trying to suffocate me in my sleep.

Damn it. I tried singing "Tainted Love," to Mr. G because I was telling him about
that new song that I hate that uses it in the background. It's sounds like one song playing over another. Totally distracting.
He said, "Honey, if they ever
hang you for being a good singer, they'll be hanging an innocent woman."

Ok, more later when the drugs take effect....

Ok git yer asses over to my main site and see if you can identify the guy in the picture I have in today's post. So far, no ceeeee-gar.

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

if i cant have you i dont want nobody baby

Of the Oscars, Bugzzz writes: "Did you see Peter Whatshisface's wife when they annouced
Best Picture? She shot to her feet so damn fast, her dress almost didn't catch up to her.
WTF was Ben Stiller thinking?"
LOL...I missed that part with the dress. As far Ben goes, I wasn't sure if he was a comedic genius or an ass.
I did get a huge kick out of Steve Carrel(?) and Will Farrel when they gave out the award for best makeup wearing hideous makeup.
I also thought it was really cute when Chicken Little gave out an award. I don't know the name of the female duck character he was with but it was funny because she was upset animators never give ducks pants.

Bugzzz also sent me the link to a pic of Itzhak Perlman arriving at the Oscars riding a
Hoveround and said, "See? You are one classy bitch, you own a Hoverround."
Hey, my Hoveround should look so damn swanky! That sucker looks bronze to me.

Well it's clear my singing sucks donkey you know what's...every bit as much as I thought it did. Last night when we were walking Mr. G said he heard "that song i like that goes something like'why can't you and I get together'?" and I said, "Oh, yeah, thats Chad Kroeger." Then I started to SING it and he's like "Oh, NO, THAT's not the song at all, unless you're butchering it." I'm like "WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA?!" So we got home and I played it for him on the computer and he says, "Yeah, that's the one i was talking about." I said, "THAT'S the one i was singing!!" Then he gave me one of those "Ummmm ooooo k then" looks.

My McAfee virus software expired a few weeks ago on my laptop. I received a pop up notice when I was at work and the offer was to renew the sub for $19.99, a $20 savings over the usual $39.99 fee. Since I was at work, I didn't have access to my cc information. But I remembered that the offer was going to expire March 13th. I *thought* I bookmarked the page, but evidently I didn't. I've gotten the pop up two or three times but always when I'm at work. Naturally I've gotten 65 THOUSAND pop ups to renew Spam Killer, which I don't use anyway.
Yesterday I emailed the company and asked them to let me know where I could find that offer and I said that if that offer wasn't available to me anymore I was going to switch to Norton because I had no intention of paying full price when I knew there was an "offer" floating around, especially one at such a good discount.
This is what they said, "Please be informed that the promotional emails that you receive are being sent
randomly. We also send different promotional emails. So as much as we want to, we
cannot send the same promotional email anymore."
Translation: "Pay full price, Bitch."
Makes no friggin' sense to me. I told them which offer it was and I'm sure they
could tell me how to get the discount IF they wanted to. Fine. Now I'm more than willing to pay full price......for Norton.