Tuesday, February 28, 2006

will you be my friend to remind me what is real

And in the blink of an eye another month has ended....

Don't forget, kids, IHOP is giving away FREE PANCAKES betweeen 7 a.m and 2 p.m. today for Shrove Tuesday!!
And when you're eating that free short stack smothered in butter and hot maple syrup,
think of me, starving in PA, land of very few IHOPS.

Goddess' Hott Cop O'The Day award goes to: Officer Paul Roberts and Officer John Lopez of Buffalo, New York.
ONLY in the New York eps do you hear the phrase. "STOP! Both of youse!"

All you Grey's Anatomy fans, on today's Oprah, she'll have the "best kept secrets of the show."
Whatever the hell that means.

Trivia q for ya: what was the first toy every advertised on television? First person to get it right
gets the joy of knowing they were the first person to get it right.

Mattel says the idea behind Barbie is showing girls they can be whatever they want to be. Great news! I guess I'm free to be that astronaut/CEO/aerobics instructor/pediatrician/veterinarian that I've always wanted to be. Nothing can stop me now, kids!
Hang on 'til I get my Flashdance leg warmers out, will ya?

What....what...what is this Bambi 2 nonsense of which they speak?! You can't make Bambi 2! That's blasphemy!
It's like making Moses Strikes Back. It's like making The Ten Commandments Pt. 2. It's like making Superman: The Gay Years. The synopsis states that it is the exploration of "Bambi's coming-of-age challenges."
Hello? He's a deer. His challenges are to find food and not be shot

Ok, I"m really upset. On Monday's Oprah, they showed the man who plays Elmo. That pisses me off because there are some of us who thought..I mean some KIDS who thought Elmo was REAL!! Imagine my--I mean "their" upset to find out differently. I haven't been this upset since I learned there was no Tooth Fairy last week. But let me say THIS about Elmo, beneath that red shag rug, he is one HELL of a hot looking African American dude. What's funny is that even when
Kevin's talking, he's moving Elmo and making gestures with Elmo,
so you almost expect Elmo to chime in on the conversation, too. It's comical.

I was watching CNN and they were talking about how the funds for Hurricane Katrina relief were running out. One woman emailed and said people should continue to give despite the fact that money was mismanaged, that people shouldn't have to suffer because of that. Well, my question is how much can people AFFORD to continue giving if it's not being spent properly? You feel like you're throwing bad-der money after bad money. How about getting someone in there to insure it's spent properly first? It's like continuing to put a fresh band aid on a dirty, festering wound.

On Maxxxzzz's web site there's a story about strippers. Seems Tyra Banks has to go "undercover" to figure out why some men are "obsessed" with them. Tyra Banks is an airhead. Let's think about this. The guy walks into any strip club and finds naked or nearly naked, good looking women willing to dance for him and give him a "private" session. She doesn't scream about him not taking out the garbage, she doesn't require him to change diapers and she doesn't need him to do the laundry. All she does is look sexy, dance naked and shower him with attention and make him feel like he's the center of the universe in exchange for cash. Gee, I wonder why some men are "obsessed" with them?

This is by far one of the funnier answers I've heard on Family Feud. The question was, "name something that would ruin a wedding,"
and the woman said, "veneral disease." Yep, that would do it.

Well DOUBLE crap. Saddam Hussein has ENDED his hunger strike! Damn it.
Apparently the lure of Wild Bubble Berry Poptarts was too much of a temptation for the overturned dictator
to resist and he woofed down three boxes early this morning.

I was shopping at a store that carries a lot of herbal stuff on Saturday, and I found this tea called "Smooth Move." No, it doesn't help you pick up chicks, it's for...hell, you know what it's for. Anywho, I thought it was something you could drink on a regular basis to keep you regular, as opposed to irregular or extra large. It has a really good licorice taste to it. As I was making myself a THIRD cup last night, Mr. G said, "Are you sure you're supposed to be drinking so much of that?" I said, "Why not?" He said, "Because right here on the box it says it's a LAXATIVE." Holy crap. [And I mean that sincerely.] I said, "Shit," (and I mean that sincerely, too) "no wonder I've been so miserable the last couple days." When I told him how much I've been drinking of it the past couple days, Mr. G said, "Smooth move, Honey. Smoooooth move." Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

I said a teeny bit of a story about boats burning in the San Diego Bay and I can't find anything else on it. I'm going to have to guess that perhaps it's not a HUGE story because FOX hasn't chosen to focus on it 24/7. Ironic though. The boats are surrounded by water and IN water, and still they're burning.

Monday, February 27, 2006

you tried to trade on my naivete

Hmm, I just heard they extinguished the Olympic flame Sunday night. AGAIN??? Gawd, how many times are they going to extinguish that damn thing? They just did it last week when the games ended!

Keith IM's: you won't be watching Court Tv on Tuesday night, right, Godi?
BITE ME, Keith!! Of course, I'll be watching even though I HATE THE MARDI GRAS EPS!!!
God forbid I should miss some HOTT New Orleans cops.

I was listening to some preacher--Hagee, I think--who talked about a "nuclear blanket" Iran is developing to blast us "back to the 19th century." He also talked about how he believes Russia, France and Germany are helping Iran achieve its goal of a nuclear holocaust. Great way to start the week. I can only hope that if they ARE going to blast us "back to the 19th century," they do it BEFORE I start making payments on my laptop.

I'm pissed. I want to know why the average snooze time on an alarm is 9 or 10 minutes? MAKE IT THIRTY ALREady!!
How many times must a woman hit the snooze before she finally gets up....................and moves the clock closer to the bed?

Tuesday night Court TV is having a COPS Mardi Gras marathon.
Why not just shove a screw driver in my ear? Or worse yet, run a back to back COPS from Mardi Gras Marathon and a COPS from BAWWWWWWWSTON Marathon?

So I spent much of Sunday afternoon as most women do--watching internet porn vids, scanning to see if I'd gotten any (MORE) trojan horses from said porn vids and deleting spyware from said porn vid sites. Sigh. Somebody remind me NOT to watch internet porn vids anymore. I'll BUY them instead.

Sally writes: "goddess, a question. i notice you update for mike south sometimes. i
emailed him and asked him to talk about bush and the port deals and he
didn't respond. Then yesterday he talked about not having anything to
write about. What gives?"
One can never really figure Mike out, Sally. he's like an enigma wrapped
in a riddle wrapped in sushi. If you want him to talk about the port bidness, email him and tell
him you think it's the next best thing since sliced bread and Americans
are idiots for not believing Bush had no knowledge of it whatsoever. He'll
either agree or verbally slice you to ribbons, but you have a much better chance
of getting an answer if it's the latter, so no matter how you feel, just say something outlandish to draw him out.

Well, they've determined that the "mysterious white powder" found in a Texas dorm was NOT Ricin.
No doubt it was DETERGENT, therefore unrecognizable to the average college student...

Bugzzz, who may or may not be having been watching internet porn on Sunday, writes: "Oh great--now you're stalking the doctors who are hot. Crap on a cracker, who are you Paris Hilton? She can't utter an entire sentence without using that word.
RE: Quayle* hunting with the Veep--I know many many many people who might benefit from a trip like that. Maybe you should call the White House and tell them you might be able to save the defecit with this new money making scheme of yours....
*pun intended--hehehe"
I'll take your word for the Paris crap thing. I'm not much of a fan. Hey, I *had* to give Dr. Gupta a hottie shout out! I see him on CNN all the time. But not to worry, I don't know that many other doctors. I'm guessing this was a one time award.

Did you know that the meat industry spikes meat with carbon monoxide to make it stay red longer? The carbon monoxide keeps the meat red five to FORTY DAYS, as opposed to the usual 3-5 days. John Catsimatidis, president of Gristedes' Stores, loves it because as he said, "We've had increased sales in products we never sold before." Yeah old meat.
I think it's terribly misleading. They tell you to check the "sell by" date and "smell" the meat. Hello? How the fuck do you "smell" meat that's in sealed plastic?? While color is not the major, or good indicator of freshness of meat, it's what a LOT of people go by, including myself. I've gotten used to bypassing that brown, disgusting meat.

I promised Jay pics of my latte mugs, damn it, and they're coming!!

I was watching BET "25 Hottest Black Couples"...who made the list? J Lo and Diddy.Can you really count as
a hot black couple if you're not together? And if one of you isn't even black?

Donald Trump and Martha Stewart are trashing each other because of the failure of Martha's show.
She blames him because she says her apprentice show was supposed to be the only one,
and he says she needs to take responsibility for the flop.
I think what they both need is a nice, relaxing Quail hunting trip with the Vice President.

Sunday, February 26, 2006

why do you play me like a game

Goddess' HOTT DOCTOR O'The Week Award goes to: Dr. Sanjay Gupta of CNN. He's hott AND he can cure your hot flashes!
What's not to love about him? And hey, WW, he's coming to Iowa State to speak!!
Snap me a pic, will ya?

Goddess' HOTT COP O'The Week Award goes to: Officer Kevin Vaughn, Spokane, Washington
Officer Kevin Berardinelli, Gwinette Cty, Georgia....wonder if South knows him?
And Officer Karl Shucai, Passaic Cty Sheriff's Dept, New Jersey.

I had to double check that last one, cuz odd I've never seen anyone who worked for the sheriff's dept
that had the title "officer" I thought it was ALWAYS deputy. Just when I think I have all this rank shit figured out,
*somebody* throws me a curve.

I wasted two hours of my life yesterday watching the complete drivel that is "Meet The Santas"
starring Steve Guttenberg and Crystal Bernard.
Goddess, why didn't you change the channel, you ask?
Damn it!!! Why didn't I think of that?!

I FOUND the Ghost and Mrs. Muir on DVD. It's like $85, but it says there were 50 episodes.
Hell, I would have guessed ten. I think I'm going to buy this for myself when I get some
spare change. I don't own ANY tv series/shows on DVD, but I loved that show.

So I've been drinking Yerba Mate tea for awhile now and although it has an odd taste to it, I enjoy it.
I pronouce it Yer--ba Mate, exactly the way it looks. However, when I called the wellness store where I buy it, the chick ALWAYS calls it
"Yer-ba Matte" rhymes with "latte." Excuse me? There are none of those slash marks above the word to indicate those pretentious French people coined it, so stop pronouncing it like that!
If this keeps up, I'm going to have to walk around saying stuff like, "Last night I had sex with my matte," or "I love my matte."

Of Rev. Phelp's strangeness, Bugzzz writes: " 'Now as IF the families don't have enough to deal with losing their loved ones, Phelp's and his followers from a Topeka, Kan.-based Westboro Baptist Church, say the deaths are "God's punishment for U.S. tolerance toward gays.'
Does this mean that this asshat and his followers think that all of those in the military are gay? This guy's reasoning is so fucked, I'm not even sure where to begin. Ugh, he sickens me." She then adds, "I reread my other email and realized that I came off sounding like an ass...it sounded like I was okaying killing of gay people. NO! I don't condone killing anyone, and certainly not because of thier sexual preference. If someone whats to jump the fence, by all means...I think they have every right to do so. Just don't try to convert me. I will never again send you an email when I am sleep deprived. I'm going to go take a nap."
Nah, I caught your drift the first time. But I'm not getting his reasoning either. What gay people have to do with those dying in Iraq is beyond me, but then again, zealots like this generally don't make much sense to anyone other than their (blind) followers.

On the same subject, Eric writes: "This is the same guy whose family/cult used to just protest at funerals
of AIDS victims. I guess he decided he wasn't getting enough attention
that way."
Wow. What lovely people. Apparently they sent Brandy Sacco quite the hate filled email. It's sad that people
have nothing better to do with their time. You can read more about Brandy's story here.

Curious sends these way cool, non offensive emoticons to use: :-) Smiley Face, (((:~{> Muhammad, and
*-O)):~{> Mohammad with a lit bomb in his turban.
Oh, I'm sorry. It says "BLASPHEMOUS" emoticons. Same diff.

OMG. Do you know what I just realized? The Dubai Port deal.."those people" had connections to the United Arab Emirates.
The dude who USED to read my site was from the United Arab Emirates. COINCIDENCE??? I think not. The Arabs are after my blue eyed, blonde haired gooey goodness!!!

I was reading through my archives--yes, I'm still trying to locate all those HOTT COPS. It's comical, but it was in late '04 that Bugzzz was convinced I had gotten over my COPS fanaticism. I chuckle every time I see that in my journals.
Close, but no cigar, Bugzzz! BTW, I found more cops that I'd missed, but not to worry, SodaPop, Las Vegas still rules!

Saturday, February 25, 2006

i wanna soak up the sun

If you Googled or Yahoo'ed something and it brought you to my site, but you can't find it, don't be afraid to email me and ask. I USUALLY know where things are. I've noticed lately that Google keeps bringing up my current page instead of the page the item is actually located on.

I was listening to a story on CNN this morning about a pastor, Rev. Fred Phelps and his daughter, who protest at the funerals of men killed Iraq. Now as IF the families don't have enough to deal with losing their loved ones, Phelp's and his followers from a Topeka, Kan.-based Westboro Baptist Church, say the deaths are "God's punishment for U.S. tolerance toward gays."
They sent one woman, Brandy Sacco, an email telling her that her late husband was "in hell,"
and that because he was killed in Iraq, he "left his family in the lurch."
The protestors show up at military funerals and scream things like, "EVery dead soldier coming home is a punishment from the Lord your God." "You crossed the line. Now God is your enemy. We are going to put the cup of the wrath of God to your lips and we are going to make you drink it."
Thankfully for Brandy Sacco, a group of motorcycle riders, the Patriot Guard, showed up at her husband's funeral and drowned out the noise from the protestors. The Patriot Guard's objective is to "Show our sincere respect for our fallen heroes, their families and their communities (and) to shield the mourning family and friends from interruptions created by any protester or group of protesters." Now THAT's doing God's work.
This is what I don't understand about religious "idiots" like Phelps' and his followers. IF God were the vicious, hateful God they make Him out to be, and IF He hated the gays, wouldn't He just wipe out the gays--that He created, btw--and be done with it? What does the death of some innocent soldier in Iraq have to do with gay guys? Perhaps these religious zealots think God isn't smart enough to figure that out for Himself? I'm guessing He's smart enough to figure that out and I'm guessing He's also smart enough to figure out when people are USING HIM to push THEIR AGENDA forward, and HIDING BEHIND HIS WORDS to say hateful things to intimidate others.
I wish Brandy and her family the best.

On CNN they described the U.S. showing in Turin as "the Olympics to forget." Well, DUH. Haven't I been saying that all along?!
I've pretty much forgotten all of it ,
except for the cotton candy and the way cool beach towels.

They gave Mr. G's dad another CAT scan yesterday to determine whether or not he had a stroke.
When my sister-in-law went in to see him Thursday night she said his left eye and the side of his mouth was drooping. She asked the nurse if he had a stroke and she said no it was probably from the medicine. Why do people seem to get sicker when they go to the hospital?
He's DEFINITELY overmedicated. That will come as no surprise to anyone who has an elderly parent in and out of the hospital system. I mentioned that they had to sedate him one night. On top of that they started him on three Xanax a day. His symptoms, confusion, slurred speech and staggering are ALL symptoms of Xanax over dose. I talked to the nurse last night and told them to tell the doctor to adjust this dosage. He was sleeping yesterday when I called my sister in law at 11 and he was just waking up from sleep when we got there at 5:30. Yet his nurse for the day AND my sister in law who said he was still sleeping at 11 a.m., INSISTED he had been awake ALL day. Clearly we have different ideas on what "ALL day" means. I told my husband it looks as if he needs a Xanax around 9 or 10 a.m. and then in the evening again around 7 p.m. He doesn't need that third dose. What's the point of living if you're laying in bed, drugged up all day? Of course, Mr. G's sister was insistent that his confusion had nothing to do with the medication. She said the same thing about his memory. I said, "The man is EIGHTY ONE years old and you can't understand why he might be forgetful?!" Good grief. Many is the day I've taken my vitamins then two minutes later stood there thinking, "Now did I take them or was I GOING to take them?" Oy. The problem is we do so many things UNconsciously that we don't remember them.
Anyway, the doctors want to put stents in his heart and they told us that IF they see the stents aren't working, they will immediately take him for open heart surgery. No way would he survive that in his present condition. Mr G is pushing for them to adjust this Xanax,release him from the hospital and let him come home and get stronger, THEN allow his father to make his own decisions. His wife and daughter are making the decisions for him and I agree with my husband, his father is sharp enough to make his own decisions....when he's not high on more than life.

Ok, enough of that.

I was looking at a book called "The Day I Met God" and it reminded me of the
day I met the Oscar Meyer Weinermobile. I was about ten and a HUGE lover of HOTT dogs.
(Yes, even at that young age I lusted after weiners. HOTT weiners.)
Anywho, I was walking (Phew! thank God I've gotten over that nasty habit) to the local Acme (yes, I'm THAT old) to do my mother's grocery shopping. She was too lazy after raising kids and going on drinking binges to do her own damn grocery shopping. (Wow. The nut really doesn't fall far from the tree, does it?) I was half way up the street and I heard this glorious sound. No, not the ice cream truck. That's a magical sound. I turned towards the melodious strains of "Oh, I wish I were an Oscar Meyer Weiner," and beheld a fabulous (still using that Thesaurus I got for Christmas) sight: the biggest (non African American) WEINER I'd ever seen in a bun driving straight towards me. If it had been dipped in chocolate, surely I would have reached Nirvana. As it stood, I came pretty damn close that day. I was surely shedding tears as I ran towards this mouth-watering vehicle and lovingly ran my hands over parts of the big weeny. I dropped to my knees--I was young enough to get up in those days--and gave thanks for this miracle. All was fine until the police had to forcibly pull me off of the Weinermobile while I was putting mustard and relish on it. Good times. Good times.

Speaking of HOTT dogs, I felt so bad for Holly yesterday. I had to leave the house at 6:45 and Mr. G was already gone. He didn't get home until 4:30 and then he had to leave again at 5:30 to go to the hospital. Holly must have excellent bladder control though. She held it all that time. I HATE having to leave her that long. We didn't get home until 8ish, but we took her for her two mile walk anyway. Wasn't her fault we have a busy schedule. Mr. G said she gave him that "sad puppy look" when she realized he was leaving again at 5:30.

Bode Miller says that "winning isn't nearly as important as some make it out to be'.
Good thing he feels that way, since he's finding that out first hand. He said he was worried that
winning gold medals wouldnt' allow him to lead a "normal life." Problem solved!

Huh. This is interesting. When I was flipping channels today they were talking about
some "winter games." I wonder why I didn't hear anything about them when I was in Turin covering the Olympics?

Friday, February 24, 2006

every day is a winding road

Goddess' Hott Cop O'The Week Award goes to: Officer Royce Hearne of Fort Worth, Texas.
I never saw this episode before. Officer Hearne stops to check on a parked car and finds a guy with his ex-wife and small child in the backseat. The dude has his pants off and as the officer puts it is "getting his jollies in front of the kid."

Damn it. The weather was so nice yesterday I had the windows open while I was cleaning and
today we have a winter weather advisory for blowing and drifting snow. GUH.

I spent about 6 hours cleaning house yesterday for my mother-in-law. It wasn't TOO bad but it was time consuming trying to clean everything in one day. And why in God's name do old people always smell like URINE???

While I was cleaning in the basement, I noticed my father-in-law had jars and jars of loose change. He also had a HUGE stack of penny packers, which I needed badly. When he came downstairs, I took a handful and passed them to Mr. G. and said, "Put these in your pocket. I need some and I keep forgetting to get them at the bank." We got home and I was sorting my loose change to pack the pennies. I said to Mr. G, "Get this. Your dad put his name on some of these packers. Why in the world would he do that?!"
Mr. G said, "Oh, I don't know perhaps in case SOMEONE TRIED TO STEAL THEM."
I said, "Honey, people steal CHANGE. NO ONE in their right mind is going to STEAL the penny PACKERS."
He said, "How did YOU get the penny packers?"
I said, "I STOLE them. What's your pernt?"
Honestly, sometimes that man makes no sense.

My father-in-law has to have a heart catherization this morning. Apparently he has a blocked artery and they want to see how badly it's blocked. He had a blocked artery several years ago and since it wasn't 80% blocked, they left it alone. I'm wondering if they're not checking out the same artery again? With what little the man eats, I find it hard to believe he has ANY health problems of this nature. He never really did eat fatty or fried foods, and basically all he eats now is bananas, milk (don't ASK me why), tons of cereal and pierogis. My sister-in-law thinks that he's too weak at this point to have one, so she's going to think about what she wants to do. Mr. G has to work, but he told her if she has any doubts whatsoever that he's not strong enough, to postpone the test till Monday.

I was reading this article on MSN about how a guy can tell if a chick wants to date him. The four signs are: laughing hysterically at everything you say (that's true. I still do that), wanting to go out with you in the evenings because it makes it seem more 'date like'(don't know if I agree with that, I enjoyed breakfast and lunch 'dates'), body language (yeah when she shoves her naked tits in your face, that's fairly good proof she's interested), and direct eye contact. Giving direct eye contact for more than a few seconds is a come on? OMG. My optometrist has been coming on to me FOR YEARS!!
Ok, here are Goddess' Four Ways To Tell if a Chick Wants to Date You:
1. Every time you turn around she's there--at your home, your place of work, backseat of your locked car--oh wait, that's from Goddess' 'Four Ways to Tell if a Chick Wants to Stalk You" list.
1. she talks endlessly about the cute babies you'll make together--nooooo, that's from Goddess' Four Ways to Scare Away an Overly Persistent Guy.
1. Your ass crack reeks of Jack Daniels---hmmmm, no I think that's from Goddess' "Four Ways to Tell if You've Been Butt Fucked While You Were Passed OUt" list. Let's try one more time, shall we?
1. Boil potatoes, then dice. Dammit. That's from Goddess' Four Ways to Make Potato Salad.
Awww, fuck it.

Thursday, February 23, 2006

i break tradition sometimes my tries are outside the lines

Thanks to everyone who has asked about/sent good thoughts concerning Mr. G's dad. They're in the process of doing a psych evaluation and from what I heard, he didn't do too badly on the general questions sections. Now that I've talked to him more extensively, I don't believe dementia is his problem, so much as his temper and his need to control. I told Mr. G to suggest a mild tranquilizer/nerve medication. They started to do a stress test on him, but he was on heart medication and he needed to be off of the one specific med 48 hours before the test, so they stopped it and they'll redo that this morning. We went to see him last night and they had given him Xanax, Mr. G and I talked to his nurse and asked if she would mention to the doctor about keeping him on it permanently. He was as different as day and night when we went into his room. Just as pleasant and talkative as could be, but most importantly, he was very clear on his facts. He said, "I've been trying to get you all day, but the line was busy." We explained to him about the phone, then one of the nurses came in and he said, "I had her call several times today." So he knew what was going on and he knew which specific nurse he had been talking to most of the day. Hell, he even told me that he loved me when we were leaving--a sure sign he was high on more than life.
He has never even said anything remotely like that the entire 25 years I've been married to his son.
Mr. G has to take his mother to the doctor's for blood work tomorrow and for some grocery shopping, so I volunteered to go to their house and clean while they're out. Yes, you read that right, I volunteered. Mr. G has been telling me for some time about how dirty everything is and I know like most people, my mother-in-law is too proud to ask. My father-in-law is the kind that's too goofy to allow anyone into the house, so no one has been able to clean or do anything, and now is the perfect time before he gets out of the hospital. Mr. G mentioned that his mother's clothes weren't very clean the other day and they were ALWAYS very picky about being clean and neat, so I told him I'd go down and do the laundry and clean as much as I can. Besides if HE notices, well, it must be a mess.

About that evil O-HI-O, Bugzzz writes: "The only reason Ohio is evil is because my mother-in-law lives here."

Zal has decided to keep a list of all the stupid things I say.
What a short list that will be, but good for him.
We all need a purpose in life, and I'm sure it will give him a will to live in tough times. I suggested he use a spreadsheet. They're much handier. I, in turn, shall be keeping a list of all the times I talk to him and he's drunk off his ass. We'll just see who has the longer list.

I chatted online briefly yesterday morning, with no problem. But when I logged on towards noontime, my modem would dial, but instead of calling the internet provider computer, it would simply go back to dialtone. So I called the phone company and as with any utility problem, I asked if anyone else in my area was experiencing problems. They said "no," and told me to go outside and plug my landline into the phone box to see if I could get the dial tone there. Unfortunately, while they included instructions on the phone box, they put them on the LID of the box. I pREFER they put them next to the actual place they want you to plug in your phone jack with a big red arrow pointing towards it as further back up. There was nothing inside that even so much as resembled my walljack plug, so I called back and talked to the phone company chick for the third time. It pays to keep calling, my friends.
She said, "Are you blonde?"
I said, "L'oreal Extra Light Ash Blonde #23, SOMETIMES Golden Blonde #45, and if I'm feeling REALLY
experimental Honey Blonde #8, but how did YOU know?"
Then she said, "I'll tell you what. I'll tell them not to charge you for the test because you were unable to do it yourself." Amen, sister.
She said, "IF the problem is inside, he will discuss your options."
Ok, at this point, I already know "discuss your options" is code for "make sure you're sitting down when he tells you how much this bullshit is going to cost you if it's on the inside of your house." I said, "I believe my only "option" is that I have a working phone." It's tantamount to a dry fuck, my friends. I said, "Just tell me how much it's going to cost now." She said, "it will cost you $93 for the first HALF HOUR and $30 for every half hour after that." O....O....O...yeah as IF.
Three years ago when I had the phone jack installed in Female Offspring #1's corner of our hovel, it was $80 for the first HOUR. Fucking thieves. Thankfully when Mr. G came home later in the day he mentioned that they had phone problems all day at work, so I jumped into my trusty Hoveround, drove two feet to the neighbor's front door, and sho' nuff they had the same problem. Apparently someone was doing construction and cut into a phone line. Further proof that you should always ignore those "contact the phone company/gas company/water company BEFORE digging to find out where your lines are" posters.

I wonder if it's possible to find the television series The Ghost and Mrs. Muir on DVD? I loved that show and Edward Mulhare was one of my first manly man crushes.
I'll have to research it when I'm at "work."

I'm trying very hard not to get bitter and upset about the problems at work. I feel that I've always lived by the "treat people the way you want to be treated rule" and that if I"m nice to people, they'll return the favor. By and by that's been the case, but then you have the people who see your kindness as weakness and try to exploit you. But last night, I made a conscious decision NOT to let this run me and all day/night long I kept saying, "Let go and let God" every time I thought about it. Now all I need to do is put on that thick rubber band and snap my wrist every time I mentally "go there." I have to make a conscious effort NOT to get sucked into the drama of this when I get back to work, because my one boss LIVES for drama. She gets everybody going about something, then it's resolved and she's onto something else.
I can only neutralize it by staying out of it and refusing to comment on it.
I woke up yesterday morning kinda depressed and half way through the day I thought, I have so much going for me: my family, my health, my friends, my insane mutt, my sweet, sweet laptop and Hoveround, and I am not gonna get depressed about this. Then I swallowed a couple of St. John's Wort tablets and forced myself to MOVE and take my mind off "stuff." Zal asked me earlier what I was going to do and when I said "clean," he told me I was a wild woman. I didn't want to tell him it was my turn to sponsor the weekly "Orgy and Hoveround-up" here in the trailer court because I knew he'd be jealous.

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

i dont know whats worth fighting for or why i have to scream

Today is Washington's birthday. As you know, Washington could not tell a lie.
Well, he DID tell a lie, then he SAID, "I cannot tell a lie," after the fact, which made him an excellent candidate for politics.

Did you read about the three Arab men who lived in Ohio and were arrested for "conspiracy to kill, kidnap, maim, or injure people or damage property in a foreign country. They were also charged with conspiracy to kill Americans and harboring or concealing terrorists." I KNEW Ohio was the seat of all EVIL!!!!! (Hey, Bugs, how's it going?)

WW sent me this excellent video clip yesterday about aging parents. It was an well written piece, and I especially liked the part that said, "If, when we speak to you, we repeat the same things over and over again...do not interrupt us..listen to us. When you were small, we had to read to you a thousand and one times the same story until you went to sleep..."
You can see the vid in it's entirety here.

I called work last night to ask the evening girl a question and who answers the phone? Overtime Hawg.
Yeah, she's so damn sick she can't work on Monday but she's NEVER too sick to get overtime.
I liked my job until she came to work there and now I just hate dealing with her shit all the time.
Today I lost a HUGE amount of respect for my boss over this. I have worked there the longest and have always been the
first to offer to help her out on holidays and Sundays when nobody else wanted to work.
She should have called me and asked me if I wanted a night.
No more. Fuck that. My "loyalty" has been rewarded with
a knife in the back. As much as Overtime Hawg grates on my nerves, anytime there is overtime to be had, I have always suggested it be divided evenly. When I'm not there, she takes it all for herself and fuck everybody else.
But the reason I've lost respect for my boss is this: she doesn't make a decision and stick with it. She's two faced. If she's with me, she's agreeing with me. If she's with Overtime Hawg, she's agreeing with her. I've seen it time and time again. She is the one who should be deciding who works overtime and who doesn't, but she's letting Overtime Hawg run her and that's not right. So fuck it, fuck her.
I'm not letting this bother me anymore. I'm doing my 30 hours a week and the hell with the rest of it. I'm not lifting a finger to do anything other than what I was originally hired to do.
I get angry with myself because as much as I tell myself I have to get my writing goals front and center and get the fuck out of there and start using my talents to better myself, I continue to procrastinate. Hopefully, this will be the kick in the ass I need.

I spent a good bit of the day eating the art projects I used to keep the offspring busy yesterday. I forced them--I mean "taught" them how to make log cabins much like the one Abe Lincoln lived in using only pretzel sticks, a penny and a small milk carton. I'm 99% sure log cabins were made of pretzel sticks in the old days.
I feel these sorts of projects teaches them about history, allows them to connect as siblings through teamwork, and it gives me something to nosh on for a few days. You use the penny for the doorway and glue the sticks to the carton to represent the logs. It was really cute and I made sure they used full milk cartons so I'd have something to wash down the pretzels today. Then we made the usual busts of Washington using glitter, glue and macaroni. And of course, I had the kids boil the macaroni first so it would be more digestible today. I ripped the mac off the construction paper, added cheese and it made a hearty lunch. I've noticed that Elmer's glue and glitter really seems add flavor to food. Next month we're going to build leprechaun traps. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that they work much better than the magic reindeer food scam of '04.

Stephen Colbert: "Why shouldn't people be allowed to smoke wherever they want?"
Non-smoking advocate: "Why shouldn't people be allowed to masturbate wherever they want?"
Stephen Colbert (VERY deadpan): "I ask myself that question every day."

Ok, this gave me my big laugh for the day. I saw the following search string on my stats: "free hypnosis to make a
man think a penis is a vagina." Give it up, gurls. Once they've played for the other team, there's no getting them back.

Bad night for Mr. G's dad. He became very combative and they had to tie him down and sedate him.

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

i'm sorry if it causes you distress i'm sorry i never loved you

Oh no he Di'NT! Donald Trump said he wishes Martha Stewart would just 'take responsibility" for the fact that her show flopped. Martha is blaming the fact that Trump's Apprentice was "too much" apprentice for one night. Apparently, Martha was supposed to open her show by giving Donald the boot,but Donald insisted his show stay on, too. ImHO, Martha's show flopped because Martha was trying to be something she isn't: nice.

One more reason I'm glad to be back in PA? i could NOT find a decent gob Anywhere in Italy!!

last night i was trying and trying to get my lexmark copier, scanner, cappuccino maker, salad tosser and printer to work, but it kept telling me there was a paper jam. I'm like "HOW can there be a paper jam when there's no paper in it?!" I flipped it upside down and there was a Nestle's peanut butter Treasure wrapper stuck in the paper feeder. Sigh. IN MY DEFENSE, I have to put everything on a high shelf or the dog roots through it, including the garbage cans. So I have the computer room garbage can on the book shelf ABOVe the printer. Apparently in one of my NBA moments--"she shoots! she couldn't score if her life depended on it!"--I missed the garbage can and it went straight into the printer.

My girlfriend called me this morning and said her church is looking for someone to cover the upcoming Special Olympics. She thought that since I covered the Olympics in Turin, I'd like to cover these. I'm like, "Sorry, but no way in HELL am I driving all the way back to Italy to update." Although I AM kinda upset I didn't bring home one of those Hulk Hogan shroud/beach towels.

I saw two episodes of COPS from Vegas last night that I don't remember seeing before, but Officer Bob Kinch was in
the one and it reminded me why I picked him as Hott Cop O'The Week, not once, but twice.
He's dreeeeeeeeeeeamy.
In the second episode some idiot tried to break into the police impound lot in Vegas and steal some bikes.
Who would be so incredibly stupid as to try and steal a Hovero--I mean a BIKE
from the police impo--oh, bite me, every last one of you!!!
Needless to say, HE got caught, too! HA!

Last night after I logged off I discovered two voice mail messages from Overtime Hawg's sister. She said O.T. Hawg wasn't feeling well--this is like 85 weeks in a row now, must be some sort of record--and she was, of course, in the ER having tests taken. (Instead of keeping a Hott COPS spreadsheet, I should keep a spreadsheet on how many times she's bothered me on my week off.)
She said, "She's not sure if she's going to work tomorrow or not, but she'll call you at 6 a.m. to let you know one way or the other." As. FUCKING. IF.
I called back and said, "Tell her maybe she can get the boss to work for her,
my father in law is in the hospital and I won't be available."
She said, "What's he in for?" I SHOULD have said, "Testicle problems."
How freaking rude can you be? I said, "He's in for heart problems" and right away she's like, "Oh, ok, no problem." She wouldn't ask the Boss because she knows she'll lose those hours, but she can bug me.

Gave Mr. G a blowjob last night, Zal. I know you're worried.
And you'll also be happy to know that on an Olympic scale, it rated tens across the board.

Zal thinks my posts are huge recently cuz I'm not "getting any." Au contraire. I'm getting quite a lot lately.
My posts are huge right now because I'm in the "fertile phase" of my cycle. Now is when I'm the most "creative". Right after I get my period, I become more introspective and have to struggle to find things to talk about because my "feminine fields are fallow".
[LOL. Sounds dramatic, huh? I just made that phrase up. I love it.]
Don't ask me why, but a woman's creativity has something to do with her cycle.
Christiane Northrup wrote a very interesting book called, "Women's Bodies, Women's Minds" and she touches on this very subject.

Still no conclusive news on Mr. G's dad. They said he had a chemical imbalance, which might account for
the "nuttiness" at times IF it's in his head. I'm not sure if it's in his body or his brain or where it is exactly.
He seems fine during the day, but he gets goofy towards 2 or 3 a.m. and that's what happened last night too. I know
the one night he said to Mr. G, "How are they going to work that with my blood?" And Mr. G said, "What do you mean?" He said, "How are they going to get the blood out of me so they can burn it for oil in the furnace?" So he was really off in his thinking.

Several years ago, I was on the Chesapeake Bay on a cousin's boat. The
water was really choppy and while it didn't bother me at the time, when
we got back to the house, for several hours everything was 'moving in waves' in
front of my face. Nobody experienced it but me, so I thought that if I
ever went out on the water again, I'd probably be a prime candidate for
sea sickness. I happened to mention this to South Sunday night and he
assured me that BECAUSE I experienced this, I WOULDN'T get seasick cuz
my brains--what there are of them--were apparently trying to adjust to
the movements of the water. Or something like that. All this time, I've been afraid and now I realize, I don't have to be afraid to be in water anymore. So that's it.

I was watching a commercial for some fiber product and the guy said, "now that's fiberlutionary!" That is NOT a word. Unless your name is
Stephen Colbert, stop fakeabetizing words!!

If you're like me and you want to remember special events to mention on your site, but often the stresses of having 16 offspring makes you as forgetful as Aunt Clara from Bewitched, check out this site.
You can set it up to send you email reminders for any events you chose and it's FREE!

Monday, February 20, 2006

my baby takes the morning train

Happy President's Day! Now get out there and show your patriotism by buing a mattress!! Don't forget...no mail.

Let's start the day out with a hee haw:
"Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of
Tampax and proceeded to the checkout counter. The man at the
counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
"Seven" the boy replied.
The man continued, "Do you know how these are used?"
The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They are
for him. He's my little brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you
use these, you would be able to swim and ride a bike. He can't do
either one."

We spent Sunday afternoon at the hospital with Mr. G's dad. He was admitted for chest pains.
And let me just say this: it's a sad, sad day when you're admitted for chest pains
and your wife argues for them to keep you for a psych evaluation. They decided to monitor him overnight because his heart enzymes were elevated, but they found nothing other than that. He kept asking me about the monitors he was hooked up to, and he said, "What's that first machine for?" [It was an ecg machine--electrocardiogram--which was monitoring his heart activity, but since he was in there for a possible heart attack, I didn't want to tell him that.]
I said, "It's a machine to monitor your brain activity."
He said "What does it say?"
I said, "No brains found."
From what I see and hear I'd say his dad has some dementia, but the condition is aggravated by alcohol and a PITA wife and daughter.
When it comes to caregiving for the elderly, there is one thing that I see all the time that PISSES ME OFF MAJORLY. And that is family/friends who ARGUES about facts with someone who has dementia or Alzheimer's. It's as intelligent as arguing your point with a two year old. They don't fucking KNOW ANY DIFFERENTLY but the mentally sound ones SHOULD, so SHUT THE FUCK UP. If they tell you the sky is pink polka dotted, farking say, "Yeah, I know, great color isn't it?." They THINK they're right and family arguing with them solves nothing. Mr. G's dad wanted his daughter to stay at the house with their mother, but she kept saying, "I'm taking Mom to my house." He didn't want that, mostly because he's a stubborn coot who has to have his way. Finally I said, "For Pete's sake, just tell him you're going to stay at the house." She said, "But I'm not!" Now this is a 56 yr old woman who fucking ought to know better. I said, "I KNOW you're not, just SAY you are."
Gawd, how stupid can you get?! Then she did and he settled down. All I can say is, he better be released tomorrow like they told him he would be, or he is going to be one pissed off mo fo. When the doctor came in and told him they were going to keep him, he said, "Oh, this is a bunch of shit!" He's going to have a miserable night because he's been drinking like crazy lately and to have to go cold turkey, well, let's just say I'm glad I'm not his nurse. His wife encourages his drinking because there comes the point when he passes out and she gets some peace and quiet, but she's not thinking clearly on this issue. She's paying a high price for a couple hours of peace because when he gets drunk, he's as mean as the day is long. I think he'd be much better served by taking a tranquilizer than alcohol, and trust me, I'm not one to advocate nerve pills of any kind, but he needs something for his temper.

I think I can see why our health costs are so doggone high. While we were at the hospital waiting for Mr. G's dad to be admitted, we were walking around looking at all the changes that had been made over the last few years since Mr. G was there. This is one of those hospitals where they are CONSTANTLY making upgrades. There were junk food and soda vending machines on every floor in several places--how healthy is that?!--a latte/specialty coffee shop and get this--some chick playing the piano in one of the lobbys. Ok, that was the most ridiculous thing I've seen in a long time. We were on the balcony a floor above her and there was no one else around, so I said, "Do you take requests?" She shook her head yes. I said, "Do you know Mozart?" She shook her head. "Beethoven?" She shook her head again, and I said, "Great, will you play "My Baby Takes the Morning Train?" by Sheena Easton?"
I couldn't help it! I heard it on the drive in and it was driving me nuts.
It was bugging me so badly, I had to come home and download it on Napster.

Bugzz informed me that the word she used to describe that site yesterday was "hysterical." I say if she had to drive all
night from Italy, she'd have a fucked up memory, too. Besides, I was close. "hysterical" and "hilarious" BOTH start with the letter "h".

Saturday night's two mile walk was a PISSER!!! It was 18° and the wind was blowing. Add darkness to that
and you have a recipe for cold toes and cold tits. Yuck.
BUT we prevailed over the elements! Mostly cuz Mr. G forced us to walk the full two miles.
Not that Holly and I didn't give award whining performances!!

I love this part of "Jerk" by Kim Stockwood---yes, Jay STILL has me listening to that doggone song!
"So next time someone makes you feel little
Just sing this song inside your head
And like a great big cartoon bubble
These lovely words will dance above their head
How I've waited for today
When I could finally say
You jerk
You jerk
You are such a jerk
There are other words
But they just don't work"

Sunday, February 19, 2006

dead poets and drum machines

Being the good mother that I am, I sent the offspring, along with Mr G and a bottle of Extra Strength Tylenol to church. The Tylenol is for Mr G and anyone sitting in a six pew range of the him and the offspring. I send them to church FAITHFULLY because I don't want MY sweeties going to Hell......I need somebody on the "other" side pulling for me.....and because I need the peace and quiet to update.

Thanks to Eric for sending me the link to this interesting story.
Who ever thought porn would be someone's saving grace? Usually chicks
wait until they get out of the biz before they start making these sorts of wild claims.

And Bugzz sent me the link to this site that she assures me is hilarious. I don't know I"m still on dial up. But I do have it bookmarked for next week and in the meantime, you guys can enjoy it. It took five minutes for the first Valentine to open for me.

I have to make a correction to my Hott Cop Awards list.
Somewhere along the line I KNOW I gave the award to Officer Jeff Harper from Vegas and Officer Anthony Maldonado from Fort Worth, Texas, but I went back through my journals and I can't find them. So I"m giving them Goddess' Hott Cop O'The Week award this week to make up for that. Officer Harper's segment was re-shown last night again anyway, so now is as good a time as any. I'm sure they'll both sleep much better tonight knowing I've made up for the oversight. I don't know if Officer Harper is married or has any kids, but he'll be a good dad if he does. Each time he started to ask a question, he'd back up and add, "Now I'm only going to ask this one time.."
Always good to cut off their options right from the start.

As I'm sure most of you know by now, the Olympics are FINALLY over. Thank God!! That was the longest three weeks of my life. We sat through the closing ceremony yesterday afternoon and I must say, if you ever make it to Turin, Italy they have the BEST cotton candy at their Olympic concession stands. Eh, the candy apples=mushy. Sigh. AFter the ceremony was over we loaded up the car and drove home. The traffic on the way home from Italy, well we won't even go there. I made a few wrong turns in Austria and Poland...oy, what a mess.

I came home to find that not only did DISH raise their rates $3 yet again, but the fuckers made it RETROACTIVE to February. So I circled yesterday's date on the calendar and when we find something cheaper, and I tell DISH to shove their crappy service up their ass, I'm requesting that they make my refund retroactive to February 18th because that's when I WANTED to dump their sorry asses.

I didn't mention this before, but it's a good thing I'm not a superstitious woman. Mr. G's wedding band split in half on Valentine's Day. Sigh. He had a 1/2 size piece added several years ago and the jewelers told us it would be weaker at that spot because they cut the ring to add the piece. It kept getting thinner and thinner and finally it split. They want to add a half shank, which would cost $110 but I've found a few really nice NEW bands--some 18 k, ours was 14k-- for under $100, so I think we're just going to get him a new one instead of fixing the old one. Our original wedding bands had like a leaf design with small ribbing and while his has the bigger leaf design all the smaller ribbing has been rubbed smooth. Mine still has all the original ribbing in it. If anybody knows a good site on the internet for this sort of stuff, lemme know please.

Saturday, February 18, 2006

she sits so refined and drinks herself half blind

Ok, people, here's your question for the day: what is the one material possession you would save in a fire? (and this is where I'd insert an email link for your convenience, but every time I try that lately my Dreamweaver closes on me with an error, so use the email icon above)
Of course, I"m EXCLUDING pets cuz I don't consider them to be "material possessions"--besides they can run out themselves.
Hmmm, I hate to admit this, but I think I'd take my laptop. I thought about it long and hard and ASSuming my car is in the garage and out of the range of the flames, I'd have to take the laptop. I'm thinking "would I grab the big wedding pic of Mr G and I taken 25 years ago in which we both looked incredibly happy?" (You know the one that was taken before life had a chance to beat us down...) Then I thought, "Well hell we could just take a NEW pic....on somebody else's camera, of course, cuz mine would have been burned up. And I can't write or update my site on a wedding picture, and I'd be pretty miserable if I lost my trailer, all my possessions AND the ability to bitch about it on the internet...." Gotta go with the laptop. I asked Mr. G what he'd save and after a LOT of thought he said, "hmm, maybe the tv, unless we could get a better one through the insurance $." I said, "Sorry, no can do. I need you to grab that wedding picture of you and me...."

Oooo, exciting pics from the Olympics on my main site....

i banished every memory you and i had ever made

Having a few days off together has really helped the sex life!!! Being in the City of Love--Turin--doesn't seem to hurt either;)

Good grief. How long are these stupid Olympics going to last?! I've been here FOREVER and I have a horrible suntan. My fair skin can't take this sort of heat. And the humidity! Well, don't even get me started. Mr. G just lays around in bed all day ordering room service and asking if we can get Seinfeld reruns here. Can't says I blame him. If I had known for one minute that the Olympics had anything to do with sports, I would have passed on this assignment.

I see a lot of parents are getting into teaching their baby/young children sign language.
I think it would be a big step up if many of them took the time to teach them to speak proper English. Yanno, if ya axe me.
(Oh no she di-nt!)

Friday, February 17, 2006

that's "miss bitch" to you

Ok now that I have come out of my double cheeseburger induced coma..time to update.
I think if we ever want to invade a(nother) foreign country, we should forget the
guns and tanks and hand grenades and force them to eat McDonald's
cheeseburgers. They'll be lethargic and sleepy within minutes. If we just
keep force feeding them the burgers, we'll be able to take over their
country in a matter of days.
Today Mr. G and I were out doing some errands
and we decided to stop and get double cheeseburgers at McDonald's. At
McDonald's, cheeseburgers are .99 so it only seems right that DOUBLE
cheeseburgers are $1. I didn't eat any breakfast,
so we came home and I made some fries, and we each had two double csheeseburgers and I had a cup of hot Yerba Mate tea.
I rarely EVER nap in the afternoon, but fifteen minutes after we finished eating,
we were BOTH in bed sound asleep. I slept for FOUR HOURS!!!

SodaPop sent me one of those MEME things--or whatever they're called--it was like a questionnaire about yourself, which, I, of course answered oh so truthfully. Two of my fav questions and my answers are:

Four places you have lived:
1. Shady Hill Village (trailer court)
2. Pine Treasure Estates (trailer court)
3. Havenwood Manor (trailer court)
4.Hell (also probably a trailer court)
Dang, forgot to list "Front seat of my Kia."

Four places I would rather be right now:
1. Under a hott cop
2. Spread eagle on the front of a police cruiser
3. Backed up against a hott cop
4. Anywhere WARM near the ocean (and hott cops)
I'm probably the only person on SodaPop's list to get turned on filling that out....

About my comments on the MSN article on "insider tips from men," Eric writes:
"Well, it would be nice to know where she's getting these
generalizations, wouldn't it?

On one episode of *Penn & Teller's Bullshit* – I think it was the
"Business of Love" one – they had a former employee for
*Cosmopolitan*, with face and voice disguised, explain how they would
have female staffers come up with ideas for what an article would say,
then find a man who was willing to pen something compatible with that.

One thing I think is true is the part about women's looks. Research
shows that most men prefer women with more meat on their bones than the
typical model. As Bill Maher likes to point out, the fashion industry is
mostly run by women and gay men."
Like I said yesterday, I think women are much harder on themsevles than men will ever be. I think part of our problem is that we keep pointing out our flaws to them. We need to learn to keep our mouths SHUT. I mean if you keep hearing, "My ass is fat," over and over, eventually you'll think, "hey, her ass IS fat!" We tend to be our own worst enemies.
I did read a really GOOD article on MSN the other day and now I can't find the doggone link. I think it was called "No Roses, Please." It was written by a woman who has been in a 17(?) year relationship and she pointed out that in long term relationships the grand romantic gestures are NOT what's important--it's the every day things that really matter. Like when it's snowing and blowing and I come home from work to find that Mr. G has opened my garage door for me so I don't have to get out of the car and do it myself.

I was reading some comments made by Mary Kate Olsen and she was talking about her painful break up with her boyfriend. She said she needed to do Yoga and read scripts and go on auditions because those were the things that made her happy. She's taken a break from her studies because she says writing papers doesn't make her happy. I gotta say that if I were her age and worth $150 million dollars I would NOT be wasting time doing things that don't make me happy, even if it was getting a degree. Maybe it sounds bad to say it, but I would be traveling and getting some life experience and enjoying my money, especially if I had been working since infancy. The last place I would be is a classroom. I mean really, what are the chances those girls are ever going to get a job other than working for themselves or in entertainment? And I'm guessing they've gotten more business experience working in their company than they have in a classroom.

So Mr. Lachey is asking for spousal support from Jessica Simpson. He is also asking for half of all of their property. How does everyone feel about this? Personally, I think it has quite the gigolo ring to it. While I do believe he's entitled to SOME of the property, he didn't make nearly as much as she did, so support AND half seems like a lot to me. I can't believe the blonde twit didn't make him sign a prenup.

Ya know that story the press is peddling about Olga Pyleva being booted from the Olympics because of doping? Not true. She got the boot because she told Katie Couric to "go suck a big one" when Katie told her she looked "cute" in her Olympic gear.
Hey, I was sitting right there in my Hoveround when it happened!
I know it to be true as sure as I know Harry Whittington will never again use the words "Hit me with your best shot" around Dick Cheney.
And when American biathlete Rachel Steer was quoted as saying, "Oh my goodness! I just noticed they said she was sick, and I saw her last night -- and she didn't look like she was getting sick."
She REALLY said, "Fucking A! That bitch was using!" Again, just a little insider "dope" [Ar ar arrrrrrr]
from your on the spot Olympic correspondent.

Thursday, February 16, 2006

i hitched a ride with a vending machine repair man

Zal pointed me to a site that is having a butt boffing stories contest with video and magazine subscription prizes.
He told me to tell my Jack Daniels story. That is PERSONAL and PRIVATE!!!!
I couldn't divulge that..............................................unless there were large amounts of $$$$$$ involved. Money takes the sting out of the humiliation.

I finally got caught up on my COPS episodes. I usually watch the "new" (hahahaha) eps while I'm doing my jigsaw puzzles and then once more while actually paying attention. So Goddess' Hott Cop O'The Week award goes to: Officer Mark Cirkosz of (where else?!) Las Vegas. I gotta give a Hottie Shout Out to Officer Peter Connell, too, cuz the more I see of him, the more I like him. They should have chosen someone like him to 'break out' of the regular COPS shows, instead of that twit John Bunnell. I could put up with his no nonsense attitude so much better than I can put up with Bunnell's fake tan and equally fake teeth. Now Officer Connell, as you might remember because I've discussed it about ten times now, was the officer on the scene of the infamous flamingo stealing attempt, heretofore referred to as FlamingoGate. He gave those idiots a run for their money, but last week he had another good segment, too. He saw this chick part ways with her girlfriend, then walk right into the arms of another guy on the sidewalk, who proceeded to kiss her and feel her up right in public. Officer Connell goes over to make sure she's ok, and she starts mouthing off to him and telling the guy she was with that Officer Connell only stopped him because he's "not white." Oy. The point is the man put up with a lot of shit and he did it with finesse. He gets sexier every time I see him, damn it!

I gotta stop reading these MSN articles on relationships, most of them are such crap. They had one today called "Men's Insider Tips for Women," written by a woman because, of course, who knows more about the way men think than a woman?
That's like a Dalmation giving tips on how to be a good Poodle....
Granted, she cites "examples" from men, but I think the article would have more believability if it had been penned by a man.
Where's Bob Berkowitz when ya need him?
Some of them made sense, like guys enjoying "real" women with all their curves and imperfections. I think women are much harder on themselves than men will ever be. Of course, as with all of these "insider tips" there are exceptions to the rule.
Mike South would, of course, be the exception to the "you don't need to be a model" rule.
[Speaking of Mike, this is for you, South--]
"Unusual spots for sex turn us on," is something that's such common knowledge that I'd hardly consider it to be any sort of secret.
"we like women who are assertive, not aggressive and we're not as different as you think" both ring true. But some of these "insider tips" make men sound like desperate, needy four year olds, like "we want to be constantly admired." Well, gee, who doesn't, but how realistic is that? And "we want to be validated all the time," again, great gig if you can get it, but don't hold your breath for that sort of relationship to last very long. You can't expect a person to sit around admiring YOU and your accomplishments all day long.
"Kissing and romance mean AS MUCH to us as sex." I'm sorry, but I'm not buying that. Maybe for gay guys, but not for a lot of heterosexual guys. I'm not saying that they don't consider them to be important, but AS important as sex? I sincerely doubt that. If you're not sure where your guy stands on this issue, make him this offer, "this week I will give you ten kisses and ten cuddles or ten blow jobs, your call." I'm very comfortable with my husband's love, but there's no doubt in my mind
which one he'd chose....... if he thought he could get away with it.

Speaking of my sweetie, I caught Mr. G as he was coming out of the shower this morning and after a few minutes of kissing and caressing and other "stuff," I was again reminded of why they refer to an erection as a "boner." Yikes!

Ok, I admit it. I missed that maniac dog last night and Mr. G called me several times to tell me how much the dog was moping around, looking for me. I said, "Why? Isn't biting you fun enough for her?"

Yesterday was an exciting day at the Olympics. I was invited out for pizza (by several male members of the U.S. Swim Team, I might add) to a pub that wasn't Hoveround friendly. What a DILEMMA!! On one had I hand hott men and even hotter pizza. On the other, I would have to WALK into the pub to enjoy these delicacies.
What to do? What to do? I sat at the curb, of course, and had the hott guys bring the pizza out to me.

Today I witnessed one of the sickest things ever---"snowboard cross" the new Olympic event. It's been dubbed "NASCAR on Ice."
Isn't NASCAR on the ground bad enough???

Has Saddam starved to death yet? It's been like...FOREVER!

Thank God. Bugzzz solved the "before and after" mystery that was befuddling me.
The answer was "Ice cream social" and "Social Security number".
Thank you, ma'am. I was able to sleep well Wednesday night knowing that answer. It was driving me bonkers.

I just had a humorous conversation with Overtime Hawg. She works every other week when I'm off, same shift I do, Friday through Thursday. She owes me today off, but I worked OT last night and finished up at 7:30 this morning. I start an hour earlier Wed, Thurs, and Fri, as does she. So she calls me and says, "Should I be there at 7:30 or 8:30?" I said, "7:30 the way you always do on a Thursday." She said, "I never work Thursdays." I'm like, "What?!" She said, "I always start on Friday." I said, "yes, but you finish on Thursday, so what time do you come in on Thursday when you finish your week?" And she said, "7:30. But what time should I be there tomorrow?"

Ok somebody explain this to me. I was watching Wheel of Fortune with the boss (sigh) and they had that much hated (ok mostly by me) "before and after" category. Now I remember it would be something like "Lucille Ball and Chain." Tonight's was "Ice cream social security number." Somebody explain that to me cuz I sure as HELL don't get it.

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

video killed the radio star

I am Goddess, hear me bitch. The Americans have FINALLY picked up a Bronze medal!!

I am SO PROUD OF ME!! I did my FIRST spreadsheet today. It was really important stuff, too. I compiled a complete list of all of my Hott Cop award winners, listed the city and the dates they were "chosen." Out of 106 Hott Cops (and Deputies), 6 were from Albuquerque, 8 were from Fort Worth, 5 were from Fresno, 10 were from Vegas, 6 were from Palm Beach, and 12 were from Pierce County. Officers chosen for this prestigious award more than once were: Officer Richard Bulette (2), Officer Rudy Reynoso (2),
Sgt. Brian Witt (3), Deputy Jason Villiers (2), and Officer Christopher Curtis (2).

I'm watching the interview on Oprah with the teenager, Justin, who was "lured" into internet porn, and I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about him. Clearly he's an intelligent kid, so it's difficult to swallow this "I was seduced into this lifestyle" attitude that Oprah is pushing. The first day he installed his webcam, Justin admitted he got himself a Pay Pal account when a stranger offered him $50 to take off his shirt. He said he had several IM's within seconds of putting up his camera, and that sounds a bit odd. Where did he have his screen name listed so that people could contact him so quickly? He seemed to know what he was doing.
He had no qualms about taking off his pants when things progressed, and when Oprah asked him how he felt about masturbating in front of the camera, he's like, "I was just doing what all teenagers do," and he was getting paid for it. He was receiving expensive gifts and money, and he even flew to Vegas for the weekend courtesy of a rich businessman. THEN Justin said something I really didn't buy, when Oprah asked him if he knew that the online folks that were talking to him were pedophiles, and he said, "I thought they were my friends." You're clever enough to start your own business online, yet you're not clever enough to know that friends don't ask friends to masturbate for $? At one point, he had 1500 people paying him for his performances, so I just don't believe that.
Of course, my feelings did change when Justin's experiences went from the internet to reality, because it was no longer something he was doing by himself. But again, at no point did he seem to want to stop. He kept accepting gifts and $ in exchange for the sex and sexual imagines. Even when he went to his dad, and his dad wanted to know where he got all of his money, when Justin told him, the dad offered to "help" him make even more money. Even then, he didn't say, "Dad, I want out of this," he allowed his dad to help. Of course that's totally creepy and disgusting that your dad would bring home chicks for you to have online sex with, but at no point did this kid seem to want "out." Granted, he was a teen, but he was a sharp teen who seemed to know what he wanted.
I've noticed that Oprah always has a tendency to put HER molestation experiences front and center over the guest's experiences and then draw parallels, whether they're there or not. I do think it's great that this kid is coming forward and showing people exactly what goes on with kids and pedophiles on the internet.

The first person to sneak peanut butter and crackers to Saddam gets their ass kicked!!!!!!!

Here's a situation I'd like opinions on: if a man gives a woman an engagement ring and the engagement is ended, is she required to return the ring? In 1999, the PA supreme court ruled that the ring was a "conditional gift" and had to be returned. I disagree. A gift is a gift. I don't think she should HAVE to return it. It would be NICE if she did, but I don't think she's obligated. I also think that the more bitter the break up, the less likely he is to ever see the ring again. What do you think?

The Goddess Official Olympic Medal count is: 5 gold and 2 silver. Let me just say that I am EXTREMELY disappointed that not one American athlete has bothered to grab a bronze medal. Let me also say that I think the American swim team is doing a fantastic job! Keep up the good work, guys. (And gals.) The eyes of the country are upon you.

MsPig2u posted an article about an NYPD Sergeant who refused a $50k bribe and a luxury car in exchange for fixing a federal case against the guy's friend, and instead turned the guy in.
The cop was not only honest, he was smart. At one point, the "thug" gave him a USED diamond studded wrist watch as part of a downpayment. COME ON. A USED watch?! Obviously this guy flunked "Bribery 101."

Last night I made a mad dash to the mall with my gf so she could pick out a last minut Valentine's Day gift for her guy. We got out in the parking lot and some guy two cars over yells, "HEY!" When we turned to look, he flashed us and started stroking himself. My gf is like, "OMG! That's disgusting! I'm calling the police." I'm like, "Yeah, you do that, but don't rush. It would be rude not to let the guy finish, especially when he seems to have such a good "head" start." Of course, I think I might have ruined "his moment" when I started laughing. I just couldn't help it. A grown man standing in the parking lot jerking off looks COMICAL.

Once again, I hate the fake drama they try to inject in "reality" shows,
like American Idol. Last night I was lulled into a false sense of laziness
after watching Seinfeld. So much so that I couldn't lift my hand to locate
the remote when American Idol came on. Then I heard this from one of the
contestants: "I'm exhausted. I'm thirsty. I'm hungry." Chill. It's
American Idol, not Survivor. But it gave me the strength and more
importantly the DESIRE to MOVE to change the channel.

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

love is like a rock

Because my Olympic coverage is keeping me so busy, check out today's post on my journal page, please.

Happy Valentine's Day!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Monday, February 13, 2006

dont turn on the lights cuz i dont wanna see

You know what that sound is? It's the sound of One more of my eggs dying.

Yippee! Only three more days of work to go!!

It's funny but when I was younger my mother ALWAYS cut our hair, so it
wasn't until I was in my early 20's that I started to get my hair cut
"professionally"--and most of the time I use that word lightly. To this
day, I wait at least four or five months between haircuts or I feel like I
haven't gotten my $18 worth. Lately I've been pulling my hair back into a
ponytail every day--a sure sign I need a cut, but still I think, "nah,
I'll let another week go by." I mention this cuz Female Offspring #1 called me and
said, "I got my haircut! It hasn't been cut in over a year." The apple doesn't
fall far from the apple bush, doesn't it?

So Mr. G gave me my big beautiful bouquet of carnations for Valentine's
Day on Saturday night. Holly was there and I said, "Ooooo, look, Holly,
aren't they beautiful?" I bent down to show her and when I stood back up,
she had a mouthful of carnations, the little pissy ant. He gave me a
really pretty card that read, "To the one who shares my dreams and holds
my heart, Happy Valentine's Day." Then he wrote--in crayon, I kid you
not--"I love you! You are my heart and soul." The crayon thing is a
running joke between us. One year when Female Offspring #1 was little, he
couldn't find a pen, so he used one of her crayons and I got such a kick
out of it that he's done it every year since.

Female Offspring #2's boyfriend asked me what I had planned for Valentine's Day.
I said, "I'm going to get one of those 8 inch layer cakes and eat it all by myself. Happy Valentine's Day to me!"
He said, "Ha ha. Your mother is really funny."
Female Offspring #2: "She's serious."
Boyfriend #2: "Oh." After a moment of thinking, "Surely she'll share with--"
Female Offspring #2: "No."

Sunday, February 12, 2006

whats all these crazy questions you're asking me

Saddam Hussein's lawyers retracted their earlier statement that their client
was going to go on a hunger strike. DO WE GIVE A FUCK?! No wonder he quickly changed his mind.
He knew people would be counting down the days...

WHERE IN THE WORLD IS GODDESS SAN DIEGO? Well I had an interesting conversation with Zal and he informs me that I'm in Italy covering the Olympics. Who knew?
Besides Zal, I mean.

I'm reading an article in the Sunday Parade magazine--yes, they have Sunday newspapers here at the Olympics. On the front cover in blaring headlines it reads," 'She was always the woman I loved,' Country singer Garth Brooks waited 18 years before he could marry Trisha Yearwood."While this sounds ooh so romantic for Ms. Yearwood, can you imagine how it would make Sandy, Garth's EX-wife feel? To know that she gave him 18 years of her life, 18 years that he now says he was in love with someone else? She put up with him when he was a nobody. You might have these sorts of feelings, but that doesn't mean you have to be so tactless as to reveal them to the world. Sandi IS still the mother of his kids, and those sorts of comments have to be humiliating.

OLYMPIC UPDATE: So far we have two gold medals and one silver!!! No idea what they're for....

Weather Channel reporter in Quincy, Mass: "By NO MEANS do you need to be outside in these types of conditions."
Where was he? Standing outside in those conditions...oy.

Both eps of COPS are repeats on Saturday. BITE ME, FOX!!!!!

DAMN IT!! 16 offspring later,I find out that I know NOTHING about birthin' babies. WEll, the birthin' part I know, apparently I know nuthin' after that. I took a Huggies quiz on MSN and didn't get one correct answer! Here are the q's with my answers....
Peek a boo is important because it teaches kids.....that you will one day leave and never come back? wrong-- sigh.
starting solid foods should not begin until after the 6th month because....thats when the WIC checks kick in? wrong--sigh
during the period immediately after birth, eye contact, touching and sounds between you and your newborn are all part of a process called...."bonding with your little deliquent"? wrong-- sigh.
what color pattern would be most visible and interesting to a newborn....white? wrong--sigh.
one of the most important developments during the first month is the arrival of your baby's first....child support check? wrong--sigh.
I don't care WHAT the Huggies people say, that last one is right!

Hi, kids, it's Goddess, your Olympics correspondent. I'm standing here
in sunny, breezy wherever the Olympics are being held and I must say,
it's absolutely beautiful here in this country. Daytime temps are in the
90's and night time temps are in the 70's and my hotel is within walking
distance of the Atlantic Ocean. What's not to love about that?! And guess
where I'll be swimming tomorrow???
Not to worry, I will be here the entire three weeks of the Olympics, so you won't miss a thing. I'll be your front row seat to all the excitement.
I'm happy to report that as of yesterday afternoon the Americans
had won their first gold medal! It was won by a mucho handsome young man
wearing a tight, tight, tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight spandex suit. I'm not sure
what the sport was, or what his name was, but who gives a fark? He's good looking and he's got
a taut body and he damn well deserved that medal.
Michelle Kwan called me last night and told me she was thinking about dropping out. I'm like, "Michelle, baby, drop out. Then you and I can go out and get dead drunk. There's always next year!" So that's what we did. We met up with a bunch of speed skaters and got drunk off our asses. Then I spent the rest of the night trying to find the Atlantic Ocean so we could go swimming. Now I might not know what city we're in and I might not know what country I'm in, but damn it, at least *I* know the Atlantic Ocean is around here somewhere! Yet all the whereverweare-ites were like, "Um it's in the United States." Dumb asses.

The Today Show had fashions by designers from the city where the Olympics are being held. One was an Incredibly STUPID blouse where the "lip" of the collar went UP OVER YOUR MOUTH. Kinda like if you took a turtle neck and unfolded it up over your mouth to your nose. Now I'm sure a lot of guys would like this blouse for their dates or nagging wives, but sometimes what passes for "fashion" annoys the hell out of me. Who could/would wear something so stupid? Campbell Brown is like, "It's cute!" Oh puhleeze. Let's see you wear it while doing your reporting duties, Campbell.

A guy on CNN, talking about how the U.S. border patrols feel the Mexican military are helping drug smugglers, said, "If you aren't worried about protecting our borders, you aren't worth a bucket of warm spit." Ewwwwwwwwww. Not on an empty stomach, first thing in the morning, please.

Madonna reportedly told Grammy producers that she wanted the lead in
spot over Mariah Carey or she was a no show. Yet In a recent Harper's Magazine interview, Madonna was quoted as saying she's grown as a person, "You become less impulsive, less reckless, less careless, less selfish....In those respects, I've changed a lot." You keep saying it and maybe at some point, we'll buy it. But I doubt it.

Saturday, February 11, 2006

wouldn't it be loverly

Ya know the whole idea of donating money to charity in a woman's name for her Valentine's Day gift STILL makes me laugh when I think about it. I can see it now. She's sitting around with all her best friends, sharing their Valentine's Day gift stories..
"I got Godiva Chocolates!!!"
"I got these gorgeous emerald earrings!!"
"I got a receipt for a charitable donation in my name!!!!"
I'm a peace loving person, but I'd have to slap him silly....AND the woman who made that dumb suggestion in the first place.

The second COPS show tonight is a repeat--big surprise there. I'm not sure if the first one is new, but in the second show, they're re-running one of my all time favorite segments---when the idiots tried to steal one of the big flamingoes from outside The Flamingo Hotel. I can't for the life of me figure out how Officer Peter Connell kept a straight face, but believe me, HE DID! He was NOT seeing the humor in any of it, but I certainly was. Talk about a stunt that was doomed from the start...

They're having a "weather contest"--what fun!--on the Weather Channel. They show you a clip of "some place in the U.S." and if you can guess where it is, you might win $10k or a trip there. Today's clip showed snow covered mountains, and a horse and sleigh. Yippee!! I've already narrowed that place down to about 39 states...

This morning Mr. G asked me if I wanted a practical or impractical gift for Valentine's Day. DUH. IMpractical, of course.

Goddess' Hott Cop O'The Week Award goes to: Officer Richard Bulette of the San Diego Police Department.
(Zal probably knows him, but he wouldn't put in a good word for me. )
While I don't watch this Beach Patrol much cuz it seems like the same stuff over and over, they DO have a LOT of hott cops, like Officer Bulette.

While our attention was diverted by such inconsequential things as the war
in Iraq, Hurricane Katrina and abject poverty, a horrible injustice has been
.perpetuated against the American people!! Little Debbie snack
cakes, which used to contain five sleeves of cakes, NOW contains FOUR
sleeves and the cost has been raised by FIVE to TWENTY FIVE CENTS per box!!! I would suggest a
BOYCOTT of ALL Little Debbie Snack Cakes, but I love those honeybuns. And
my life wouldn't be worth shit without those Fudge Rounds.

Poor misguided, stupid Ken is missing his Sugar Mommy Barbie and is hoping against hope that his new makeover will win her back. Ken's new looks include: "...torn jeans, a leather jacket, vintage T-shirt and boots.The second look, described as Ken's "everyday" style, included board shorts, white T-shirt and sun-kissed hair." 'Sun kissed hair'???
Somebody PUHLEEZE tell Ken HE'S GAY. Evidently he doesn't have a clue.
Skip the makeover and just give the dude a HUGE, FREAKING COCK. That oughta win her back pronto.

Here's your Hoveround fact for the day: Guess who invented the Hoveround? A guy named Tom Cruise. BWAHAHAHA.

Bugzzz writes: "Last night on Entertainment Tonight (damn, I really do watch too much television) they made a big deal of a video that was shot yesterday showing Spears and Federline installing a new car seat in the infamous SUV.

Does this mean that they didn't have one in the car in the first place? [Goddess: Excellent point]
Spears is a double edged sword. If she hadn't been a "celebrity", no one would have gotten a photo of her driving with the kid on her lap. But IMHO, since she IS a celeb, she wasn't given a ticket.

If Jacko can get off (pardon the pun) for child molestation, there is no way in hell Spears will get a ticket.

*steps down from soapbox*"
I swear to God if she shows up on Oprah because of this....

Ok, I'm sick of hearing (and seeing) "Miss McNabb! Miss McNabb!" on the Chunky Soup commercials.
Screw her and her non-achiever son! Where's Mrs. Bettis and her son Jerome???

Friday, February 10, 2006

a day in the life

Just saw the video for Deputy Brandon Groves American Idol audition. While he's a hottie,
there's no making up for that vid OR for singing "I Shot The Sheriff" while in uniform....
But ya know what? I"m just shallow enough to let him slide. Yep he's a hottie, so I"m looking the other way.............
Besides, you just KNOW that one of these days/nights he's going to stop some drunk and the
nitwit's gonna yell, "Hey, aren't you the guy who shot the sheriff? BWAHAHAHAHA!!!"
That's punishment enough.

Anita writes: "Goddess, you don't "squeeze the oil" out of Emus. They have to be rendered."
Rendered? So I'm guessing maybe the birds have to be dead first??
Granted it will be a tad messier than squeezing, but who knows more about
rendering than the Goddess of the Rendering Plant???

Why did the Los Angeles Sheriff's Department back down from issuing Britney Spears a ticket for
driving with her 5 month old baby on her lap? Any other mother would have been ticketed.

OMG!!! A vodka shortage in Russia??!! What is this world coming to??

I love a good DARK chocolate now and then--Dove being my favorite--but now Hershey has an Extra Dark bar with 60% cacao. (As IF I care about the percentage of cacao in each bar. Not like I"m eating candy for my health.)
So I tried this "chock full o'flavanol antioxidants" candy bar and I found it a tad TOO bitter.
Dove Dark is still the best, IMHO.

Mr. G has GOT to love his Valentine's Day gift this year!! I bought him a Super Bowl shirt and a commemorative Super Bowl magazine. Damn. Wish the Steelers would win the SB every year. It would certainly make this Valentine's Day gift giving so much easier!
I know he had his eye on one of the new Super Bowl baseball hats, but those suckers were $30.

Oh, lordy, they're calling for a winter storm tomorrow and Sunday. Sigh.
Mr. G starts his vacation, but I have to work. Luckily, his car has studded tires
on all four tires, so if it gets too bad, I'll just take his car.

Bugzz writes: "I happened to be watching Leno last night (no I do not make a habit of this) and during his monologue he said, "You know, tonight we have (first name I cannot remember for the life of me -Jerome?) Bettis on the show.....you know they call him "The Bus".....the other night we had Terry Bradshaw on, also from the Steelers, but he's called "The Short Bus".
In other asshole news, various sources are reporting that batshit-crazy-couch-jumper Tom Cruise has his baby vehicle Katie Holmes "tucked away", and that he doesn't want her to continue her career in acting because he doesn't want her to "turn into another Nicole". He wants her to stay home and take care of the kids.
I think that's great--if that's what she wants to do. I doubt he's asked her....he's probably told her what 
she's going to do. Can you say brainwashed?'
Damn it. I'm missing all these players on late night tv! That's what happens when you're sound asleep at 8:30 p.m.
Hmmm, If terry bradshaw doesn't like to be on the super bowl cuz it isn't on the FOX network,
why doesn't he have any problem being on the Tonight Show on NBC? BTW, they used to say that Bradshaw was so "smart" that he couldn't spell cat if you spotted him the "c" and the "t".....
As for Tom, the "upside" if you will, to having a young and impressionable wife is that you can pretty much "mold" her into what you want.
However, when she gets a mind of her own, LOOK OUT! I haven't been reading much on the Tom Cruise situation
because quite frankly I don't like him and I never have seen his appeal. Add being a religious nut to the mix, and he's really unappealing. Overtime Hawg left her People Mag here at work and one article says that Tom insists the baby be born according to Scientology edicts, which means it will be born at home in total silence. I guess all of Katie's screams will be mental shrieks.

Gateway Repair dude just left. He spent about 20 minutes ripping the entire laptop apart, keyboard and all,
only to discover that they had sent an entire lid/screen.
All he had to do was pop off the old top half of my laptop and pop on the new.
He said, "i guesss I should have checked first..." Sigh.

Goddess' Hott Cop O'The Week award goes to: "Officer Darrin Densley of Las Vegas
Metro (North West Area) PD. Gawd, I love that shaved head look.

It's time once again for another World of Goddess book club selection. This week we will all be reading, "Daddy is a Doodlebug" by Bruce Degen. Ok, let me tell you why I did not like this book. The author makes up words, and not even good words. Words like "potoddlechips"=potato chips, "foodlebug"=guy who likes food, "poodlebug"=their dog, "padoodle"=what you do to a canoe, "firefloodles"=fire flies. PUHLEEZEOODLE already!! I totally believe in a child using their imagination, but young children shouldn't be exposed to books that largely consist of "words" that aren't words. You know this is a BIG Goddess gripe. Just ask Dr. Seuss, if he wasn't dead. Many is the time I reamed him out for this very thing.

Damn it. Instead of raising those cute, little, delicious Alpacas, I should have raised Emus. I just purchased a pain relieving ointment (kinda like a health nut's answer to Ben Gay) that contains "PURE Emu oil." And they say that as if it's something precious. It must be, the 4 oz jar sells for $15-20. Hell, I could have raised Emu's and squeezed out their oil every day and sold it. Sounds a lot like that whole breast milk scheme....

Remember the Valentine's Day article on MSN that I was bitching about yesterday? The "what not to get her" article? Well today they have a "gifts for her" article and guess what some of the gifts are???? Small jewelry, picture frames, candy, KEY CHAINS (ya gotta love that), stuffed animals...all the same shit they told you NOT to buy in the Ten Worst Valentine's Day Gifts article!!

Thursday, February 09, 2006

I am NOT a happy Gateway camper!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mr. G took a personal day today so we could spend some time together doing diddly. We just had our usual plans of taking the puppy for her walk, going to the library, puttering around at the dollar stores for winter stuff on sale, the usual sort of putzing we do. Then earlier in the week Gateway said they could fix my laptop today and I thought, "damn, if I don't get it fixed Thursday, I won't have it to take to work on Friday and more than likely won't be able to get it fixed until next week sometime." Gateway dude told me they schedule in two hour increments (8 a.m - 8 p.m.) and the entire day was free. I picked 10 am-noonish so that we wouldn't have to get up early. 9:35 Repairdude calls and says, "Something came up. I can't come at all today." I'm like, 'WHAT????? I TOOK OFF OF WORK TO BE HERE FOR THIS!!" (shuddup--what he doesn't know won't hurt him) "And if you don't come today, I won't be around until next Thursday." Right here is where I'm suspicious. Just two days ago, his schedule was completely open, now his entire day is full. I said, "What about an evening appointment?" He said, "let me call Gateway and see what kind of policy you have, and I'll let you know if I can schedule an evening appointment." Red flag numero dos. OBVIOUSLY I have the sort of policy that gives me on site service, and I know they schedule repairs until 8 p.m., so what more do we need to know? A minute later, he calls me back and says, "Ok I can schedule evenings. Tonight is fine. I'll be there at 6." Something in the way he said that, I KNEW beyond a shadow of a doubt he had no intention of showing up tonight. So I called Gateway and bitched. She said, "Did he give you a reason as to why he can't show up all day?" So obviously THEY knew nothing about what was going on with him either. I said, "If he can't send someone else to fix this now, I want HIS WORD that he will be here TODAY because I'm home specifically for this repair." She paged him three times and he finally called me a short while ago telling me that he would definitely be here tonight at 6 p.m. My guess would be that he's spending the day getting a piece of ass somewhere and doesn't want to make the trip down here. So now Mr. G is peeved at me cuz this is ruining our day together!

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

bottoms up!

Because Zal seems to be the only person who is sending me any LOI [links of interest], he also sent me the link to this fascinating story about a guy who has no life and who painstakingly recreated the contents of his computer tower inside a whiskey bottle. Now, if this was accomplished in my trailer, five seconds after it was finished someone (who shall remain nameless.......Mr. G!!) would have come along and yelled, "Why isn't this bottle in the recycle-ables bin??!! And not in the plastics bin, the GLASS BIN!!" BANG! And that would have been the last you would have seen of it.

little bunny foo foo hopping through the forest

showed me a quiz called "every time you
masturbate, which kitten does God kill?" and I'm sorry but I must point
out the stupidness of a couple of the q's. Stupid Question #1: "last time
you masturbated, did you orgasm?" Choices are: Yes, No, OTHER and FU.
OTHER??? Other WHAT? "No, I didn't orgasm, but milk did shoot out of my
nose!" Stupid Question #2: "When you masturbate, do you think of girls or
guys or both?" Answers: Girls, guys, OTHER, FU. Again, what OTHER when the
three choices are clearly laid out for you in the question?!

In answer to my question about Terry Bradshaw not showing up for the Super
Bowl past MVP presentation, Zal pointed me to a news article on ESPN that
stated that both Bradshaw and Montana declined to come because they wanted
paid for their appearance. If it's true, FUCK THEM. Montana reportedly
asked for $100k. Both said they had family conflicts, which doesn't make a
whole lot of sense in Bradshaw's case. He said he wanted "to be with his
family" yet he was there on the 2nd for the MVP banquet. As it was,
they're given $1k for expenses, PLUS they get car rental, game tickets and
plane tickets. What the hell more do they want?? Oh, yeah, an APPEARANCE
FEE. Again, if it's true, FUCK THEM. I'm just wondering if it isn't true,
though, because they didn't even bother to mention their names! And if
money was the issue, rightly so then.

My backlight is arriving tomorrow, so Gateway should have my laptop fixed by Thursday morning. I hope they don't send that same doofus out here that they sent before. The one that told me my icon screen was "too busy" and that the noises I had on my computer "bothered him."

Monday, February 06, 2006


One of the local stores had "SuperBowl Specials" yesterday. This is what they were: Old El Paso Salsa (ok that one makes sense), Anacin Pain Reliever (for the losing team fans I guess), Grease Lightning Multi Purpose Cleaner (huh?) and my absolute favorite, Fact Plus Pregnancy Tests (double huh??) LOL!

Saturday when I talked to the guys at Gateway. I gave them all my information, including my address twice. This morning the chick from Gateway called....to verify my address and tell me they were waiting on UPS to give them an ETA on the part. Interesting, but Gateway no longer has toll free tech support. Luckily Female Offspring #1 was home and she has free weekend minutes on her cell. I was on the phone 24 minutes and I swear he knew the problem within the first five. It only took that long cuz I had to move to another room to hook up the monitor.

Wow.What a fantastic game last night! Poor Holly. She was traumatized by all our yelling and screaming.

When they were introducing past Super Bowl MVP's Sunday night, where the heck was Terry Bradshaw? He was MVP twice. They intro'ed Swann and Franco, but no Bradshaw.

Sunday, February 05, 2006



What a FANTASTIC game!!!!!!!!!!!


here we go here we go here we go
here we go steelers here we go
pittsburgh's going to the superbowl
here we go
cheer the steelers
black and the gold this town of pittsburgh’s heart and soul
with Cowher power, we'll get the job done
this is the year we’ll get that one for the thumb
here we go here we go
here we go steelers here we go
Pittsburgh's going to the superbowl here we go
Roethlisberger is ready to win
with Foote, Randle El, and Cedrick Wilson
The Bus, Duce and Willie will make a touchdown
and if you get in their way they’re gonna knock you around
here we go here we go here we go steelers here we go pittsburghs going to the super bowl here we go
now the offense is ready to score
and there’s one thing we know for sure
if we don’t get it in the end zone
we’ll get three points off of Jeff Reed’s toe
here we go here we go here we go steelers here we go pittsburghs going to the super bowl
we got Farrior, Porter, Haggan
Polamalu, Hope and Townsend
the other team won’t get any ground
cuz the defense is gonna bring the steel curtain down.
here we go here we go here we go steelers here we go PITTSBURGHS GOING TO THE SUPER BOWL
here we go!

i'm sick of being followed

Well, it never fails. You always have that one goofball who writes into the editorial section of the newspaper and tries to equate the Superbowl with Jesus.
"Sure all this enthusiasm for the Steelers going to the Super Bowl is fantastic, but What about Jesus?" Heck, I'm sure they'd have the same enthusiasm if Jesus was in the Super Bowl.

The backlight went out on my laptop. Damn. I haven't even made a payment on it and it's only three months old! Gateway RepairDude said, "I'm looking at your coverage, and you can send it back to us if you'd like." I said, "Umm, no. I have onsite service, and I'd like them to come to the house." He said, "Oh yeah, we could do that." Damn straight. I HATE the thought of turning my little laptop over to ANYONE!! In the meantime, I have to hook my desktop monitor to my laptop to update my site. Do you know how strange that feels to be typing on the laptop but looking at the desktop??

Goddess's HOTT COP O'The Week Award goes to: Officer John Campor of the Las Vegas Metro Police. OH. MY. GAWD. Not only is Officer Campor HOTT, but he has a phone sex voice!! I did phone sex for THREE YEARS and ran across maybe four guys who had a phone sex voice, and I talked to thousands in that time period. If Officer Campor whispered, "I wanna fuck you," I can guarantee you, I'd get all misty................down there. Yaya, too much information, whatevah. I loved his sarcasm, too. I didn't catch what the suspect said to him, but right away he came back with, "I've been doing this job for three days now. I'm pretty good at it." LOL. Gotta heart that cop sarcasm.....but again, only when it's directed at someone else.

We had our taxes done Saturday night, and I HATE it when people talk down to me like I'm an idiot. The guy who does our taxes and has done them for the last 16 years, says, "I'll ONLY charge you $40 for your taxes and $40 for Female Offspring #1's taxes because you're not making that much money and I think you're good people." What did he charge us last year? $30 each....I nearly fell off my chair when he said $80. FO #1's was a bit more complicated than ours since she took some classes and qualified for the Lifetime Credit, but even so, $20 per return is ridiculous when you consider that he did everything over the computer. And hell, he didn't even file electronically, the cheap ass.

MSN listed the five signs of job burnout. Let's see if I have them, shall we? (We shall.)
1. "Your co-workers tip toe around you as if on eggshells." Who cares? I hate them. Oops sorry, Mom. I "despise" them.
Speaking of which, Overtime Hawg called me this morning at 8 a.m.
Screw her. I'm not even calling her back.
2. "You arrive late and leave early." Nope and nope.
3. Apathy has replaced enthusiasm." Who knows and who cares?
4. "You've lost camraderie with your co-workers." Who cares? I despise them.
Did I mention Overtime Hawg is continously bothering me on my off time?
5. "You are physically sick."
Well my ass does ache at the end of day from sitting around, yakking it up on the internet...does that count?