Wednesday, January 18, 2006

wont sip my wine from no paper cup

You may have heard that Oprah's latest book club selection is "Night" by Elie Wiesel. Bit of downer, which is why Goddess' book club selection is the lighthearted, "The Period Book: Everything You Don't Want To Ask (But Need To Know)." Now I did have a bit of beef with the author of this book because it's 128 pages long. I mean seriously, what do you really need to know, gurls? Once you get your period, you put on your damn maxi pad and let the bleeding begin. See? That didn't even take one paragraph.
The good news? There are pictures. Luckily, none of a chick bleeding a red river.
One handy section of this book are blank pages included for "your thoughts." Oh yeah this is where you write things
like "I got my fucking period again!" "I have the cramps!! I'm DYING!!" "Why was I born with a uterus, Lord?! GOD HATES ME!!" and my all time favorite female gripe, "Why don't guys get a period?!" To which I say, "Get over it, gurls. Be glad you and your uterus is healthy.
While the book has a chapter on seeing a gynecologist, it has no chapter on how to handle the crush you will more than likely develop on said gynecologist.
Too much focus on the wrong areas if ya ask me. Read it and we'll gab.

I came up with a brilliant idea to get my Hoveround back without having to pay a penny, and doggone it if Bible thumping Male Offspring #5 didn't ruin it for me.
We have a small hometown newspaper here that writes those "poor poor pitiful me" stories, or as they call them, "human interest" stories. Anywho, I contacted one of the chicks who works there and I told her my "story." I put a fake cast on my leg and invited her to the trailer so I could pour my widdle heart out. I told her that I was playing "tag" with one of my beloved little offspring, when I fell and broke my leg--in eight places. [I was going to say four but eight sounded more pitiful.] Then I told her that because the cop confiscated my Hoveround, I had to crawl everywhere. Now I know what you're thinking: "Goddess, was he hott?" The cheeseburger definitely had appeal.
Ok, now the *other* thing you were thinking: "Goddess, why do you have to crawl everywhere? They have these newfangled things called "crutches" now."
Yes, but I told her I was TOO POOR to afford the crutches. Piling on the pathetic-ness, people.
Am I clever or WHAT?!
Ok, so everything was going fine, I could see she was buying my story hook, line and sinker, when in walks Male Offspring #5. The first question out of his mouth was, "Are we ever going to be able to afford to move out of this dump? Jesus wouldn't be caught DEAD here" which really has nothing to do with the story, so let's move along to the third question he asked, "Mom, why are you wearing that fake cast?"
I said, "Sweetie, icksnay on the akefay astcay or I'll kick you in the...ass-ay."
Why oh why didn't I pay better attention in Pig Latin class?!
Then the reporter says, "It's not a fake cast."
Because SHE paid attention in Pig Latin class! Show off. "Your mother broke her leg running after one of your siblings."
After he was finished laughing, Male Offspring #5 said, "Lady, take a good look at my mother. Do you get the sense she "RUNS" after anything?!"
Why that ungrateful, little punk. That's it. First chance I get, I'm telling him Jesus and Mary Magdalene were more than just friends.
You raise your kids to lie, and then they go and do something so vile as to tell the truth when it counts.
Needless to say, the reporter refused to write the story, you people are too cheap to contribute to my Hoveround
fund and I am STILL walking. That's right, people. WALKING!!!!!!!

So THEN I came up with an even MORE brilliant idea.
I slipped into bed with a horny Mr. G, who was anxious to sex me up.
He said he was ready for me to take him on a trip to paradise.
I giggled flirtatiously and said, "Okkkkkkkk, but it's going to cost you."
In his sexy voice, he said, "Really? How much?"
I said, "$598.73, cashonlypayableinadvance."
He said, "And yet wanking doesn't cost me a dime. Pass the hand lotion, will ya?" NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

I was so distraught last night that I drove to the police station and the adjacent powerchair impound lot. I asked the cop on duty
if I could just SEE my little Hoveround, so I know she's ok.
He took me back to the lot and there she was. Gleaming in the moonlight, silently calling my name.
"Goddess.....Goddess....come ride me."
Oh, how I long to once again experience the joy of driving down the hall to the bathroom.
I looked at the cop and said, "PLEASE, Officer, PLEASE, let me have my Hoveround. If I don't get it back soon my leg muscles will
start to strengthen from all this walking. Don't you understand, man? I can't let that happen!"
But alas, he wasn't swayed by my pitiful crying....or the $2.98 and a cherry Ludens I tried to slip him as a bribe.
I stood at the gate sobbing relentlessly, until the cop told me to move along or
he'd charge me with being a public nusiance. To add insult to injury, he kept my cherry Ludens.

I know Steeler fans take their football seriously, but wow.

Whoa. Oprah is offering $100k to anyone who turns in a child molester.
Hmm, I wonder which one of my relatives I could turn in for the cash?
No, no. I'm kidding. That would be wrong, and I just couldn't do it.
In a totally unrelated matter, does anyone know how much hot tubs cost?
The deluxe models. Cash will be no concern. I'll be...ummm...coming into some money soon.

Hey people from Iran reading my site...howdy and welcome!!

Goddess' Hot Deputy O'The Week Award goes to: Deputy Lou Penta, Palm Beach County, Florida Sheriff's Department.
Damn did he ever have a body to die for........and I was willing to go down for it.

Whoa. The Catholic Church is doing away with Limbo--the place the Church believes all unbaptized babies go when they die.
Why? To make the religion more appealing in African nations. One more reason the Church annoys the Hell out of me. In order to lure more people in,
something they taught you as an important belief is conveniently eradicated because it no longer serves them.

Why in God's name is Fox News wasting our time with this Georgia hostage situation coverage?
Every freaking time they ask a question the response is either "I can't comment," or "I can't comment because this is an ongoing investigation."

Eric sent me this link to the story about Stephen Baldwin's one man war against porn. Gawd, I HATE IT
when people find Jesus and suddenly feel the need to shove Him down our throats. Thanks, Eric.

Big shocker. The NFL admitted that the ref's call that nixed Troy Polamalu's interception on Sunday was a mistake. Puhleeze.
Helen Keller could have made a better call than that ref. That call was as bad as the offsides call that they just negated. How the hell does that work?
They call false start yet nobody gets penalized? I'm just glad neither of these penalties and the
interference call they pretended not to see didn't affect the outcome of the game for the Steelers.

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