Friday, January 20, 2006

so this is goodbye

WORDS OF WISDOM: "There's nothing wrong with being gay, some of my best friends are going to Hell." Stephen Colbert

BTW, this was Grandma's favorite mug, Jay. Gawd, how she coveted that mug... ok, I quit. I swear.

If you watch Oprah, please let me know who the former child star is that she has on the show today. I know she's an African American
girl and that she did porn, but I don't know her name and I'm not placing her face at all. I'm not sure what kind of porn she did either, so if you watch, clue me in, please. I'm afraid I'll forget to watch. Thanks!

When I said I was going to sue Transworld Oil and Gas because they stole my TWOG™,
Zal said, "I notice that ya said "sue" rather than "invest"...
Rich people invest to become richer, po' people sue.

Zal said something to me the other day that made me think. He said, "Goddess, why don't you break into the impound lot and steal your Hoveround?" Now for those of you who don't know him, Zal is from California, the hippie state, so when he said this, naturally I had no idea what he was trying to tell me. I mean think about it. California hippie types have those crazy, pie in the sky wacko ideas, like "let's have sex with more than one person at one time" or "Let's build transportation UNDER the bay." You know, goofy, "out there" shit. I pondered what he could possibly be trying to say when suddenly I had a BRILLIANT IDEA: I would sneak into the impound lot at night and STEAL my Hoveround back!!!
Why couldn't Zal come up with something so clever?! It would have saved me a lot of thinking.
Last night I had Male Offspring #1 drive me to the impound lot.
Male Offspring #1: "Why are you wearing your black mu mu, carrying wire cutters and going to the impound lot in the middle
of the night, Mom? And why do you keep whistling the theme from "Mission Impossible"? "
Me: "Just drink your beer and drive, will ya?"
When we reached the powerchair impound lot, I sent Male Offspring #1 back home. I'm not sure,
but I think he became suspicious when I told him I'd walk home.
Luckily there were no cops at the muncipal building next door, so I quickly scaled the fence.
Now when I say I "quickly" and "scaled the fence," I mean I took two steps and got winded.
I took two more and my mu mu got all tangled up in the fence wire.
Luckily I had my handy dandy wire cutters and a good amount of snacks so I set to work cutting open a hole in the fence.
*Note to self: cutting a big ass hole in a fence is hard work. Bring more snacks next time.
So I finally got the hole finished and I ran across the impound lot to my beloved Hoveround and promptly sat my ass right down on her.
I had no choice. I was experiencing the joy of being in her presence again, and heart palpitations from the running.
I sat there for several moments, just savoring the way the controls felt against my hands and the way the seat hugged my butt.
I ran my fingertips over the flames along the side and across the "extra wide load" sticker. I sighed. I kicked her into gear.
It was time to get moving. I made my get away.
There I was, riding down the highway at 5 miles per hour, the wind in my hair and the sound of the greatest highway song ever blaring in my ear: Barney singing, "The ants go marching one by one hurrah hurrah
The ants go marching two by two hurrah hurrah " because evidently SOMEBODY HAS BEEN PISSING WITH MOMMY'S WALKMAN!!
It's virtually impossible to be a rebel when you have kids.
All the while, I kept thinking, "I'm doing it! I'm doing it! I am stealing back my--"
"Goddess, how the HELL did you get that Hoveround out of impound?"
Son of a bitch! All of a sudden the footsteps behind me registered and a cop came into view. Once again the cops were on my tail. Don't they have anything better to do than chase down an overweight white trash chick riding her Hoveround down the highway in the middle of the night?
I said, "Ok, Officer, and this is the truth, I sold a kidney."
Cop: "You sold your kidney to pay the impound fee?"
Me: "Oh, no! Lordy, no, I'd never sell my kidney." I laughed. "I need both of them. But I have 16 kids. That's 35 kidneys, Officer.
And only about 13 of them have been tainted by drugs, cigarettes and/or alcohol."
He gave me "the cop stare".
Me: "Okok, I didn't sell a kidney. This is what really happened. I wouldnt' lie to you, Officer.
Marijuana sales have been particularly brisk this time of----no, wait. I don't want to go there. Ok, and this is the truth, I prostituted myself."
Cop: "Do I look like I'm in the mood for jokes?"
Me: "Alright, and this is exactly how it happened, because I have no reason to lie to you. I...um...I was...um...the um."
Cop: "Well?"
Me: "Well what?"
Repeating the question is a clever ploy I've seen used many, many times on COPS.
Cop: "How did you get your hands on this Hoveround?"
Alas, repeating the question never works.
Me: "Give me a minute to collect my thoughts already! You're crowding me."
And so I thought, "Hmm, I need to tap into the minds of some of the biggest liars I know. What would my offspring say in a situation like this? 'I picked it up for a friend'? 'Just give me my fucking ticket so I can get the hell out of here'? or my personal favorite, 'Hoveround? What Hoveround'?
Cop: "Tell ya what I'm going to do, Goddess. Since it's obvious how much you love this Hoveround, I'm going to do you a favor and this is the honest to God's truth, I'm going to pay your impound fee and let you have your Hoveround back."
Me: "YOU ARE?! OMG!! YOU ARE?!"
Cop: "No, I'm lying through my teeth just like you are. Now get your ass off that chair and start walkin', sister."
And that is the story of how Goddess lost her groove and her Hoveround in the same night.

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