Tuesday, January 17, 2006

i guess you're just what i needed

Male Offspring #5 is positive that if I turn my life over to Jesus, He will return my beloved Hoveround.
(Male Offspring #5 doesn't quite jingle all the way, if you know what I mean.)
Only one flaw in that thought process: Jesus didn't slap my Hoveround in the back of His cruiser while snacking on a burger from the DQ, the cop did!
MO #5 feels that because I have not been born again,
Jesus has seen fit to remove my mode of transportation. No word on why He didn't just zap the Kia.
Apparently even Jesus knows that a Hoveround is more reliable than a car made in Korea.
But he has me thinking--Male Offspring #5, not Jesus.
Perhaps I could make a pact with Jesus that I have no intention of keeping--much like the ones I make with God when
my ass is against the wall--and when He returns my lovely Hoveround, I can say, "Psych! I can't believe you fell for that, Jesus!"
(One of these days, He's just gonna strike me dead in mid-sentence, I swear.)

So guess what Transworld Oil and Gas goes by on the stock exchange? TWOG! That's it. I'm suing.

I can't believe one lyrics site actually has the lyrics to Fatboy Slim's Kalifornia. If you've ever heard it, you know it's just "Kalifornia, druggie, druggie, druggie" over and over. Which is why I LOVE HIS STUFF!!!

If you attend the porn shows, do the world a favor and label your pics. People are sending me pics asking me who the people are.
Hell, *I'M* sending pics to *other* people asking the same question!

And this is why Goddess has never had a television in her bedroom. An Italian sexologist (there IS such a thing? I thought they were just called "lotharios"?)
has discovered through another useless study that having a television in your bedroom cuts your sexual encounters IN HALF.

Jay writes: "It's a travesty that your hoverround was impounded!
In the spirit of freeing your huggable hoverround, I pledge the first $0.25...Canadian."
Thanks, Jay. Good deal, I think your $ is worth more than ours anyway.
BTW, how does one add a half of a PBJ to that?
Hmm, I need to get Jay an emoticon to distinguish him from Jay Moyes.
Check out Jay's site, he's got a lot of great gameshow stuff, including the clip of the woman on the Price is Right falling out of her shirt.

And people ask me if *I* flunked history. Today on Family Feud, the question was "Name a famous Barbara." They picked all the obvious ones: Streisand, Walters and Bush. When it came to the last one, the guy said, "I'm going to go with the first President's wife," and I'm thinking, "What?! Her name was Martha." And he says, "Barbara Washington." Of course, Richard couldn't hold back and he said, "Ok, but I think Martha might have something to say about George fooling around with Barbara."

I gotta admit it, Stephen Colbert is growing on me. First I liked him, then I hated him, now I'm liking him again. Or maybe I'm just bored.

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