Thursday, January 12, 2006

come and get down and dirty baby

Question for all you laptop owners, what in the world do you clean your laptop with to keep it from getting dusty? And what do you use to clean the screen?

So I emailed Alyssa Abkowitz, the chick who wrote the article on South and
I said, among other things, "But "beady eyes" and "a soft belly"? Come on. My ex-stalkee is much better looking than that."
And she said, "Beady eyes and a soft belly doesn't mean he's not attractive -- I didn't mean to infer that!"
Hmmm, I don't know. Sounds like back pedalin' to me.

So today I received a call from Marlo Thomas and she said, "Hi, this is Marlo Thomas. I'm so sorry I missed you."
Really? Then why was your call taped ahead of time, Marlo, as if you PLANNED to miss me?!
And this is not the first time this has happened. Marlo has called me several times in the past and every time, she conveniently "misses" me.

Oh SON OF A BITCH!! The cops confiscated my beloved Hoveround when they spied me driving down the
highway to Dollar General. Clearly this is a violation of my civil rights. People are allowed to WALK to Dollar General,
yet I am not allowed to Hoveround to Dollar General!! That is WRONG.
As soon as I saw the cop I tried to make a fast getaway--curse that five mile speed limit on Hoverounds! I'm "running" away and
the cop is strolling alongside me eating a cheeseburger that he just picked up at the Dairy Queen.
The dude wasn't even winded! And damn did that cheeseburger ever smell good. I didn't recognize him but apparently this was the same cop who came to the trailer on Halloween. He said he enjoyed our "chases" cuz he didn't have to break a sweat.
Cops are so damn clever too! They trick you into saying things you don't want to say.
Cop: "Ma'am, you can't drive that thing on the highway."
Me: "Officer, I HAVE to. It's my only way I have of getting critical medical supplies."
Cop: "Critical medical supplies?"
Me: "You know, drugs."
Cop: "And you have no other way of getting your prescriptions?"
Me: "Prescriptions? What prescrip--I mean, no, no I don't."
Cop: "Do you have any identification with you?"
Me: "No, I left my driver's license in my caaaaaaaa--oh shit."
See? Did you notice how tricky he was?! Guh. The last I saw of my sweet Hoveround it was being loaded into the trunk of a police car.
Sigh. He told me they'd be taking it to the powerchair impound lot. Apparently there are more fat lazy people living in my area than I realized.
And I have to pay a fine before he'd give it back to me.
Hell, he wouldn't even let me have it five minutes so I could drive up to the Dairy Queen and get a cheeseburger.
The unkindest cut of all was that I had to walk that .4 of a mile back to the trailer....

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