Tuesday, January 31, 2006

oink oink moo moo

I love the Capitol One commercial where the guy tries to jam all the holidays into one visit with his parents.
"Kids, go upstairs and put on your Halloween costumes while Mom hides the Easter eggs." It's hilarious.

Bugzzz writes: "Buying breast milk from strangers is the creepiest thing I've heard of in a long time. Now, I'm sure that there is some sort of screening process that the milk goes through, to week out all the...well..."imperfections" I guess is the best way to put it. I'm waiting for the time when something happens, and some "bad" milk gets through. I can see the lawsuit from over here. We all want our kids to have the Hallmark sentiment of "sending us the very best" but I don't think this qualifies.

I wasn't breast fed, and my neither was my brother (we were both early..me by a month and my brother by about two and a half) and we both turned out okay. Granted, we aren't rocket scientists. Come to think of it, we aren't scientists of any kind, but you get my point.

The Buglet was breast-fed for awhile and then he decided he didn't want that anymore, that formula stuff was way better. He's turned out fine (for the most part). I support breast feeding and if you don't want to or can't and you want to buy breast milk from strangers at a cost that is nearly double (I think...my math skills are sh!t) that of formula....I'm all for it. Great. Do it. But I don't want to hear about it when it all goes bad.

Sorry this is so long....I didn't realize I was going to be so sensitive about this issue. I guess the cost factor is what gets me. Paying other people for a body fluid that is meant to sustain children. Gives me the creeps.

I'd better step down from my soapbox before the LeLeche League comes after me."

Well now, that's the scary thing. Apparently there isn't screening going on when it's just purchased online. If it's bought from a milk bank, there are exams the women have to pass and the milk is frozen, steps to be followed, etc. But one couple I saw just went online and started selling their milk. I'm like, "How the HELL do you know these people are HEALTHY??"
Some chicks are giving their child breast milk from seven different women. You can read more about it here. Now the purpose of buying breast milk when you can't produce it yourself is that it's supposedly healthier for the baby, so my favorite quote in the article was the line from Amy Redmond, who said, "It's kind of strange, but I guess you take the chance and hope the person (is honest about their health) because it's going to a baby." You're HOPING they're honest, so basically you're playing Russian roulette with your baby's health in order to keep it healthy.
I've read articles from some natural health supporters that say canned forumla isn't too bad as long as you add some borage oil for brain development.

Monday, January 30, 2006

i walked on the moon

According to Chinese tradition, 2006 is the Year of the Dog. Hell,
since Holly moved in, EVERY year is the Year of the Dog.
Oh, wait. She's only been here a year and a half. Seems like much longer.
Nah, I joke, but my sweety petey puddin' pop is good company.

Las Vegas police were called to the Strip when a party got out of control. If the officers
on the news video were any indication of the HOTTTTTNESS of Vegas cops, VIVA LAS VEGAS!!!

Ok, here's a unique idea. Women who can't breastfeed are paying as much as $2 per ounce mother's breast milk.
Why oh why didn't I save all mine?? Good grief, I could have pumped out a river of breast milk over the years.
Hmm I seriously need to consider getting pregnant again. It might finally pay off....THIS time!!
Although I would be very concerned buying milk from strangers. What about HIV transmission?
What about mothers who smoke or drink? How healthy is their milk?

My mother and dad are doing this new, weird thing. They're wearing matching jackets all the time.
I'm like, 'Mom, why? You do realize you're not twins, right?'
She thinks it's "cute." I'll keep you all updated and let ya know when Dad finds his manhood again. Sigh.

I was watching comedian brian regan yesterday. I love him. i love his bit about fig newton serving sizes,
where he says he considers two sleeves of fig newtons a serving size, not two cookies.

Sunday, January 29, 2006

what the games been missing

Bugzzz writes: "I was in the third grade when the Challenger exploded. I have no real memories of that time,
I just wanted to send this to you to make you feel old.
Yes, but we all know you were "held back" four years because you're a "slow learner." That's ok, we luv ya anyway.

I mentioned before that I read Kevin Trudeau's book on natural cures the gubment supposedly didn't want anyone to know about--talk about your sensationalistic titles used to sell books. While a good chunk of it was crap, he mentioned using Red Marine Algae for herpes. Now I drink an herbal tea that seems to give me cold sores on my lips, (a form of herpes) and I have no clue as to why, but I've traced it back to this tea. I love this tea, but I never remember WHY I stopped drinking it, UNTIL I drink it again, and HELLO coldsore. I bought this red marine algae several months ago and took it when I had a cold sore then. Trudeau suggested you take it 60 days from the first outbreak, but I slacked off after about a week. In all that time, even with the holidays and my uncle's funeral--events that very stressful for me--I didn't get a cold sore. The other day I saw this tea in the cupboard and I thought, "Damn. I haven't had that tea for a long time. I wonder why? I love it! Think I'll have a cup." HELLO cold sore. I got it on Friday and I started taking the algae. This is Sunday morning and already it's much, much smaller AND it's not nearly as painful as they usually are. I don't even know what the algae does, whether it's just an immune booster or whether it helps with thyroid and that boosts the immune system. I have no idea. Either way, it seems to be working very well, and much better than lysine ever did.

My boss was listening to Denver and the Mile High Orchestra on Robert Schuller's program this morning.
I don't know, but a swing band singing Christian songs just didn't cut it for me.

Saturday, January 28, 2006

she looked at my palm and she made a magic sign

I'm going to stop reading the COPS forum. It's a lousy place to be lately. It used to be fun, but suddenly there' s so much political bullshit and nitpicking going on that I can't stand it. I feel like there are a few people running the forum, that rules don't apply to all and this latest shit about people bitching because other people are "breaking into" "my" thread is just the absolute last straw. It's a FUCKING PUBLIC FORUM. The threads don't BELONG to anyone. If you want to have a private conversation, for pete freaking sake, USE IM. That's what it's for. Eh, fuck it. It's not worth the headache.

As you know, today marks the 20 year anniversary of the Space Shuttle Challenger explosion. something I remember that well. I was home and I hadn't watched many of the lift offs in recent years because you know how Americans take the space program for granted, so I decided to watch this one. I can still remember the utter shock and confusion on the faces of Christie McCaullife's mother and father seconds after the explosion took place. I just kept thinking "OMG. OMG." I often think about the children of the astronauts, especially Christie's, because I'm guessing Christie's would be in their late 20's or so at this point. I wonder how her death impacted their lifes and how they dealt with it.

I was reading about Dragon Skin vests that they want to use for the military and eventually for police work. Apparently they can withstand being run over by a Humvee and a hail of bullets. Hmm, I live in a white trash trailer court. I need to get me one of those.

Male Offspring #1 has decided that he's not going to college. He has a much better life plan worked out: he's going to marry rich.
I said, "Well good luck there. I'll just pass your name and number onto Ivana."
(While Paris is closer to his age, she's even too trashy and too cheap for this family.)

I laughed while listening to a story on James Frey and Oprah on CNN. "...she got the author of the book to admit that he fabricated much of his book." Excuse me? HE"S BEEN FUCKING SAYING THIS ALL ALONG. He said it on Larry King and he said many, MANY times that he told his publisher and they discussed that before it was ever published. I just think they felt the truth would never come out. The funny thing is all this controvery is helping his book sales.

For the life of me, I can't figure out why Ford has to do any restructing. I mean they seem to have a smart business plan: build gas guzzlers during gas crunch time and they seemed to handle their money well. They only paid $40 million to have the stadium renamed to Ford's Field. A steal of a bargain if you ask me and money so well spent. NOw when fans file into the Super Bowl next Sunday, they can proudly say, "Ford? Isn't that the fucking company that's dumping a butt load of their American workers?" I am scratching my head over this one.

I got into work on Friday and found a note from Overtime Hawg. reading thusly, ", Would you please do blah blah blah, if you do'nt mind since you know how it's done and I don't. If you don't want to do blah blah blah, I will try to do it myself. Thanks. P.S. when you do blah, blah, blah do all of it and then it will be ready when I get back."
First of all, notice how it starts out "Would you" and ends up "WHEN you"?
Secondly, the abbreviated version of my first name consists of four letters, TWO of which are the same, yet she couldn't even get that right. Petty, but that pissed me.
and C., if I continue to do shit for her, how is she ever going to learn to do it for herself? That's the entire point. She doesn' t WANT to learn to do it herself, she wants me to do it all. FUCK THAT. I sat down and wrote out the instructions and slapped it together with the note and left them both for her.

Friday, January 27, 2006

you found me when no one else was looking

Holy hell. Now that I read what the gubment considers the income of the "poorest people" in America is,
I'm driving my Hoveround to bed and I'm not getting up until Mr. G gets a second job.

In a survey by Harlequin Romance, conducted in sixteen countries, they've discovered the most important trait in a mate is a sense of humor, while guys consider looks the most important trait. Yeah, ladies, humor is the number one thing we look for.
That's why we're all beating a path to Carrot Top's door....

A woman was fined by the police for allowing her three children to ride in her trunk when the episode was caught on tape.
Why did she do it? Because the kids asked her to. Hey, my offspring ask me if they can have cigarettes but you don't see me letting--ok maybe that's not a good example. Hey, my offspring ask if they can have alcohol but--no, don't wanna go down that road either. Hey, my offspring ask if they can ride on my Hoveround, but you don't see me letting them.!!! Because I'm a mother and I know that I have to take into account what's good for my offspring, and I have to make the hard decisions.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my sweetie, MR. G!!!! I love you!!!
(blowjob to follow....)

So it's back to the rendering plant I go for seven more days of fun, frivolity and furry dead things!!

Whoa. What the hell happened to St. Oprah and James Frey? Last week she was all kissy, huggy, "it's ok that you lied about things as long as you helped people with your book. Screw the truth!" THIS week, it's quite a different story.
Because of an outpouring of angry emails from her viewers, now she's outraged at FRey's deceit.
She flips, she flopped. And now she's saying he lied to millions of people...something we figured out when the story broke.
Where it gets confusing is the fact that Frey INSISTS he told the publishers and Oprah's staff beforehand that parts of the book was fabricated. IF
that is the case, and if Oprah didn't bother to pass that on to the audience during the first show, then the fault does not lie with Frey.

So I sent the link for the BADDDDDDDD Lab story to Female Offspring #1 and told her i was busy penning
Holly's exploits so that I,too, could become a bajillionaire. Might as well get something other than high blood pressure out of the deal.
She emailed me back and said, "Mom. You DO realize you have to have some good, heartwarming
stories in which Holly HELPED to balance the book out, right?" DAMN IT!!

Yesterday I visited my chiropractor, who I seriously believe is trying to kill me, then I went shopping.
Why you ask? Cuz I needed maxi pads. With wings. Oh! You mean "why do I think my chiro is trying to kill me?"
Because he keeps telling me I MUST DO SQUATS!!! The nerve of him suggesting I not only exercise, but
that I exercise with my legs! I said, "Fine, I'll do squats........insomuch as one can do squats in a Hoveround."

After my chiro once again tried to kill me, I drove to Walmart, to savour the white trash shopping experience.
First off, the slacker greeter barely worked up a hello--you know this is my pet peeve--and that was only after *I* said hello first.
I suggested to the manager that he fire his grandma and get a REAL greeter.
I bought the vitamins, maxi pads and various other items that I'd come for and proceeded to the checkout.
Now most stores have a "less than 10 items" aisle, but no, Walmart has to be different.
Theirs is like 16 or 18 items, so there are usually a lot of people in that line, and most of them have about 40 things.
I carefully scoped out each checkout and assessed how many items they had, and tried to decide which people looked like "talkers."
Old people who haven't been out of the house for days and women with babies are Numero Uno on the "talkers list".
I settled on aisle #4 and got all my stuff out of the cart. There was only one guy in front of me, he looked grumpy,
so I figured it wouldn't take long. Not much chance of him wanting to chit chat about the bad weather or his ingrown toenail.
The instant I finished emptying my cart, I heard the cashier say, "This bag of dog food is torn, I'll have to have someone get you another one." NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
If Grandpa Surly doesn't care that he's dribbled out about three pounds of GRavy Train while carrying the bag
through the store, why should the cashier??
She'd already rung him up, so we had to wait for Stockboy Joe Slacker to come sauntering up from the
Pet Foods section to see what kind of dog food it was and how much it weighed.
Then he's off to follow the trail of Gravy Train, Hansel and Grettel style.
I'm thinking, "Ten to one that was the only bag that size on the shelf and Grandpa Surly is too stupid to tell them that."
At this point, I have to decide whether or not it's worth it to gut it out, or slap all my stuff back into the cart and schlepp my wares to another line. I look around and everyone else's line looks just as busy, so I decide to gut it out. At this point, the cashier catches my eye and gives me the fake "I'm sorry this is taking so long" smile. In return, I give her the fake "Fuck off. I DO have a life yanno. BTW, I blame YOU!" smile of my own.
Naturally, I start doing my Kegel exercises to firm up my vaginal muscles while I wait.
Suddenly, the Enquirer headline catches my eye, "Star Jones Stomach Stapling SCANDAL!!"
A fat chick gets her stomach stapled and THAT'S a scandal?
Five minutes later, Joe Slacker returns with shocking news, "That's the only bag of Gravy Train that size on the shelf."
Who could have seen THAT coming?! Besides, Helen Keller, Jose Felicano, Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles?
The cashier looks from Joe Slacker to the customer, waiting for one of them to say something.
I began banging my head against the eye appealing display of Hubba Bubba and Bubblicious, praying for death,
sweet death to take me. Preferably BEFORE I pay for my items.
Mr Grumpy says, "Are there anymore in the back?"
At this point I turn all my mental powers of telepathy towards Joe Slacker and begin to silently chant, "Tell him "no," tell him 'NO!""
Joe Slacker looked Mr. Grumpy right in the eye and with all the sincerity of a politician, said, "No, I checked in the back."
Now we ALL know he's lying, cuz there's no way he could have gotten his lazy ass all the way to the back in the amount of time he was AWOL, but more importantly, we all know he lacked the initiative to even try. That's right, for some strange reason, people earning minimum wage ($5.25 an hour) juuuust don't give a shit. But there's not a damn thing Mr. Grumpy can do about it.
Finally he asks her to just take the money off of his order and it's my turn.
I'm rung up and she starts packing my stuff. I gotta say, I hate this new system they have where your bags are on a spinning thing (or as I call it, "the merry go round for plastic bags') and you're required to make a grab for your bags off as it comes whizzing around to your side of the checkout. Otherwise you have to wait until it makes another rotation. If you forget a bag, T.S. Finally I am on my way out of the store, and what do I see? No less than five cashiers standing with their arms across their chest doing nada, zip, zilch, and I think to myself, "Oh, this is all going in my blog..."

So here are your National Enquirer headlines for this week:
Bobby is allegedly going to divorce Whitless (pretty damn sad when Bobby is the mature, clear thinking one),
Star Jones allegedly had gastric bypass (oh big shocker to everyone on the planet ),
Ted Kennedy allegedly has a love child (OMG! who'd want to have alleged sex with HIM?!)
and Jennifer is absofreakinglutely allegedly reeling from the Jolie pregnancy news.

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

by tuesday i am fading

I love the way people on the political scene think. Fred Barnes, author of "Rebel in Chief" said Katrina was a "bump in the road" for the President. yes, I'm sure everyone who lost their homes and all of their personal possessions would describe it exactly the same way.

Women's views of romance are so damn skewered anymore. On The Young and the Restless, there's a guy who tried to murder one of the females by locking her into a freezer and setting the restaurant on fire. The writers have tried to 'redeem" him without any jail time, and now the female character has come back to the show. She sees him and reams him verbally for the things he did, all the while he keeps protesting that he's changed.
Many people on the forum are talking about the "chemistry" they see between these two and they hope they get together. How freaking twisted is that thinking?! A guy tries to kill you and you get together and share a romance?? It's as bad as the writers making a couple out of Luke and Laura after he raped her. No damn wonder women cling to men who abuse them and confuse their abuse with love.

On the subject of a cheap lip plumber, Zal, former Avon "lady" and cosmetic expert writes: "put yer mouth to the vacuum hose..."

One more reason some women should not be sports intervierwers: After the Coach Cowher interview, the female reporter for KDKA, said, "Coach Cowher answered one question we've all wanted answer to: what color will the Steelers be wearing at the Super Bowl?" Thank God. I tossed and turned all night worrying about that. White, btw.

One Utah couple's engagement hinged on whether or not the Steelers won the playoffs. Oh, yeah, he really wants to get married.

From the "how STUPID can you be?!" file, Joey and Mary Jo Buttafucco will have a television reunion with Amy Fisher. Now I knew Mary Jo wasn't too bright when she stood by her man and said he was innocent and wasn't involved with Amy sexually, but she's proven to be dumber than I thought. She said she's asked Joey about a million times "why did Amy shoot me?" DUH. Even more unbelievable is that she swallowed Buttafucco's line of bullshit, "I was never able to get that answer." Riiight. Joey was completely innocent in all of this.

Ok laptop users, help me out. What is your favorite laptop position? If I sit on the bed with my legs out in front of me for any length of time, they get stiff. But I tried laying on my stomach and typing and that just didn't cut it. Neither did laying on my side and typing UNLESS the questions all required a simple "yes" or "no" response. Then I tried laying on my back and resting the laptop on my stomach. Unfortunately "the gurls" blocked my view of the keyboard. So what's your favorite laptop position?

Bugzzz writes: "Ah....Judy Winslow, the amazing disappearing daughter.
I don't watch Oprah anymore. I guess it's because she's so damn full of herself, and I don't mean moneywise. If you watch her show carefully, you can tell. The camera will be on her guest, and then the camera will switch to Oprah and instead of looking at her guest you can tell she had been looking at the little monitor next to the camera....as if she doesnt see herself plastered all over everywhere else.
That, and after that damn Tom Cruise show with the fucking couch....forget it."
That Tom Cruise show was beyond strange, wasn't it?
I usually like to catch these sorts of shows--the porn stuff--cuz I like to see Reverend Oprah get up on her high horse.
But she annoys me so much that the only time I watch her is if I'm at work and bored to death or
at the chiropractors. (Ya can't change the channel) Coincidentally that's the only time I EVER watch
Regis and whatever the hell her name is, too.
I watched a little of Family Matters when it first came on--and I said Bryton yesterday,
but I meant to say "Little Richie" ended up on Y&R.
Bryton is his real first name.
I did't remember that she suddenly disappeared, so I guess I didn't watch it that long.

Does anybody know the name of a lip plumper that REALLY works? I'd like to try one
but I don't want to pay a lot of money for something that doesn't do anything.

I KNEW IT! I KNEW IT! Damned if Overtime Hawg didn't call me and ask me to switch with her on Thursday. She said she made a drs appt for that day. I said, "Sorry I have a chiro appt that day. But here's an idea. You might want to schedule appointments on YOUR days off." GUH.

Thanks for nothing, ya slackers! Apparently none of my skimmers are Oprah viewers. Bugs, come on? I know better! Anywho the child tv star who did porn and was disgusted by it was Jamie Foxworth aka Crave. Jamie played Judy Winslow on Family Matters. Weird. She ended up in porn and Bryton ended up on The Young and the Restless. Now on Oprah she said she only did one scene, yet on another site I see that it lists several vids. Bootytalk 20 , superfine sistas, more black dirty debutauntes 30, The adventures of peeping tom 28 and others. She claims that she was, of course, intoxicated at the time, and that her one scene was duplicated over 100 times, and yet we know how Traci Lords made it sound like she'd only done a handful of vids on Oprah. Why the hell doesn't anyone on the Oprah show check facts? I'm guessing because it wouldn't suit their purpose and doing only one scene makes it sound less disgusting to the Oprah crowd. Just once I'd like to see someone who has left porn come on Oprah, say "hey, I enjoyed it, but it wasn't for me" instead of always feeling this need to proclaim how disgusting it was....after they've cashed all their checks. It's always about the quick money but, hello, like South always says an adult flick is forever.

Mr. G makes me laugh. Everytime he calls me about something and I'm at home, he'll say, "What's Holly doing?" you know, as if the dog has some sort of tight work schedule to keep. So this morning he called and of course, he said, "What's Holly doing?" I said, "She's outside gathering wood for a fire and shoveling the sidewalks."

We had an ice storm here last night. No major damage but we did lose power for a couple hours around 12:30.

Monday, January 23, 2006

the heavy hitters and the chichi music

It would be so cool if the Steelers won the Super Bowl
because it's being played in Detroit and that's Jerome "The Bus" Bettis' hometown.

And thus another yearly tradition comes to an end.
Yesterday, right before Steeler half time, Mr. G says, "So I guess this will be the last half time of
the regular season, so we definitely can't miss."
Half way through, I'm like, "Wait a minute! The regular season was over a few weeks ago!"
And this, my friends, is why we can never invite people over on Super Bowl Sunday or any other football Sunday.

I received a really nice email and mention in the blog Sodapop's Setting, which was very nice of her.
The author of the blog KNOWS the cops I'm talking about in Vegas. Lucky her!!
Now I'm just sorry I didn't keep a list of all my Hott Cop (and Deputy) Award winners
so I could see which PD has the hottest cops in the country.

Techno music must bother Holly's ears. Last night I turned on a Fatboy Slim cd and as the first song began,
she sat up, turned and gave me "the look." I put my headphones on instead and she flopped back down and fell asleep.

Sunday, January 22, 2006

theres gotta be more to life than chasing down every temporary high


I'm so thrilled that the offspring got my Hoveround back for me that I am making a special Sunday homemade dinner.
Nothing is too good for my offspring. We'll start off with Bush's baked beans and Ball Park Franks for the main course. Hell, I'm so happy I might even throw in a can of vegetables! For dessert it's Little Debbie Snack Cakes and Jello pudding.
Ok, I'm off to do the Betty Crocker/June Cleaver thing!

Saturday, January 21, 2006

grey skies are gonna clear up put on a happy face

Goddess' Hott Cop O'The Week award goes to: Officer Nicholas Farese of the Las Vegas Metropolitan PD. Could he BE any hotter? AND he's a manly, no nonsense kind of guy. My FAVORITE kind.

Never underestimate the power of a pissed off chick. I spent the day crying, screaming and slamming
doors harder than any frustrated, hormonal teenager ever could, and alas, my seeds of discontent took root.
As I type this I am seating comfortably in my beloved Hoveround. I admit it did take them longer to crack open their little
piggy banks than I thought it would, but the offspring didn't let me down.
Indeed several of them didn't even bother to open their banks, they just shoved them at me,
Ahhh, several hours later and I am still basking in the warm glow of their love.
Basking and riding, basking and riding.
The police did make me promise never to drive my Hoveround on the highway again.
They cannot confine me or control me!
Well, actually, this citation says otherwise.
That having been said, I think I shall drive to the kitchen, make myself a cup of hot chocolate,
melt in a chocolate bar and drink it with some S'Mores.

C.P. told me I should consider raising ducks. Puhleeze.Ducks are not the adorable
baseball hat wearing, shorts loving creatures you see in Disney cartoons. They are vile, vicious animals that will attack you with little
or no provacation. Huey, the duck we had when I was little, had a very volatile temper. He'd go ballistic when I tried to imitate him.
And I won't even tell you what he'd do when I made fun of his big feet. One time I was feeding him and I slipped and fell. The little bastard
tried to peck me to death with his bill. When it comes right down to it, ducks are BIRDS and we all know how Goddess feels about birds.*
(*Goddess is terrified of birds.)

Once again I am in hot water with Mother Goddess. (And I say that like there are times I'm actually OUT of it.)
I bought Female Offspring #1 a t shirt that says, "I gave myself to Jesus, but now he never calls," and she wore it to my mother's.
My mother has always been the kind of person to shame us into doing something she wants, so the first thing she said was,
"What did your mother say about that t shirt?!"
And Female Offspring #1 said, "What did she say? SHE'S the one that bought it for me!"

I have come up with an absofreakinglutely fool proof method of getting my beloved Hoveround back.
I am going to make the lives of everyone
around me MISERABLE until THEY figure out a way to get it back FOR me.
Luckily, this is something I am quite good at.
If all goes as planned--MUHAHHAHAHA--I will be riding my Hoveround to bed tonight....
BTW, Jay, you can just mail me the quarter.
Oh, and our postage here is .39 cents now.
I don't want that postman on my doorstep forcing me to pony up that .2 cents.

Mr. G talks to Holly the same way he used to talk to Female Offspring #1 when she was little. When she was tired, he'd carry her to bed and say, "Are you a tired bird?" I don't where he got that, but she'd say "I'm a tired bird" when she wanted to go to bed. A few minutes ago, he and Holly went to bed for a nap, and I heard him say to her, "Are you a tired bird?" and I just had to laugh.

Once Overtime Hawg woke me up early, all went as planned.
Holly chewed her bones and I yakked on IM a good bit of the day. Life is good!

Overtime Hawg called me at 7:30 a.m. to ask me a question she knew the answer to months ago, and she starts her message on the answering machine thusly, "I know you're not up yet, but..." Well, I AM NOW, aren't I? Asswipe. Then she goes on to say, "....I need to know how to do such and such, but you don't need to call me back until this afternoon." Well thanks for waking me up to tell me that. When I called her back a short time later, she said all coylike, "Oh, did I wake you up?" I was NOT in the mood to feign politeness and I said, "Of course you woke me up." There was several seconds of total silence on her end. And then, "Oh, oh, I'm so sorry." That was her ONLY "bug the shit out of Goddess" card this week. Any more calls will go unanswered. Then she says to me, "So and so said you have a cell phone. I didn't know that. I couldn't find the number here at work." I said, "And you wont' find it. The only people who have that number are my husband, my daughter and about four other people, only one of whom is family." And I only gave it to my one sister cuz she told me how to go about getting the phone. If she hadn't, I wouldn't have given it to her either.

Trillian is annoying the fark out of me by telling me everytime I log on that I have mail in my aol account. I don't even HAVE an aol mail account!

Friday, January 20, 2006

so this is goodbye

WORDS OF WISDOM: "There's nothing wrong with being gay, some of my best friends are going to Hell." Stephen Colbert

BTW, this was Grandma's favorite mug, Jay. Gawd, how she coveted that mug... ok, I quit. I swear.

If you watch Oprah, please let me know who the former child star is that she has on the show today. I know she's an African American
girl and that she did porn, but I don't know her name and I'm not placing her face at all. I'm not sure what kind of porn she did either, so if you watch, clue me in, please. I'm afraid I'll forget to watch. Thanks!

When I said I was going to sue Transworld Oil and Gas because they stole my TWOG™,
Zal said, "I notice that ya said "sue" rather than "invest"...
Rich people invest to become richer, po' people sue.

Zal said something to me the other day that made me think. He said, "Goddess, why don't you break into the impound lot and steal your Hoveround?" Now for those of you who don't know him, Zal is from California, the hippie state, so when he said this, naturally I had no idea what he was trying to tell me. I mean think about it. California hippie types have those crazy, pie in the sky wacko ideas, like "let's have sex with more than one person at one time" or "Let's build transportation UNDER the bay." You know, goofy, "out there" shit. I pondered what he could possibly be trying to say when suddenly I had a BRILLIANT IDEA: I would sneak into the impound lot at night and STEAL my Hoveround back!!!
Why couldn't Zal come up with something so clever?! It would have saved me a lot of thinking.
Last night I had Male Offspring #1 drive me to the impound lot.
Male Offspring #1: "Why are you wearing your black mu mu, carrying wire cutters and going to the impound lot in the middle
of the night, Mom? And why do you keep whistling the theme from "Mission Impossible"? "
Me: "Just drink your beer and drive, will ya?"
When we reached the powerchair impound lot, I sent Male Offspring #1 back home. I'm not sure,
but I think he became suspicious when I told him I'd walk home.
Luckily there were no cops at the muncipal building next door, so I quickly scaled the fence.
Now when I say I "quickly" and "scaled the fence," I mean I took two steps and got winded.
I took two more and my mu mu got all tangled up in the fence wire.
Luckily I had my handy dandy wire cutters and a good amount of snacks so I set to work cutting open a hole in the fence.
*Note to self: cutting a big ass hole in a fence is hard work. Bring more snacks next time.
So I finally got the hole finished and I ran across the impound lot to my beloved Hoveround and promptly sat my ass right down on her.
I had no choice. I was experiencing the joy of being in her presence again, and heart palpitations from the running.
I sat there for several moments, just savoring the way the controls felt against my hands and the way the seat hugged my butt.
I ran my fingertips over the flames along the side and across the "extra wide load" sticker. I sighed. I kicked her into gear.
It was time to get moving. I made my get away.
There I was, riding down the highway at 5 miles per hour, the wind in my hair and the sound of the greatest highway song ever blaring in my ear: Barney singing, "The ants go marching one by one hurrah hurrah
The ants go marching two by two hurrah hurrah " because evidently SOMEBODY HAS BEEN PISSING WITH MOMMY'S WALKMAN!!
It's virtually impossible to be a rebel when you have kids.
All the while, I kept thinking, "I'm doing it! I'm doing it! I am stealing back my--"
"Goddess, how the HELL did you get that Hoveround out of impound?"
Son of a bitch! All of a sudden the footsteps behind me registered and a cop came into view. Once again the cops were on my tail. Don't they have anything better to do than chase down an overweight white trash chick riding her Hoveround down the highway in the middle of the night?
I said, "Ok, Officer, and this is the truth, I sold a kidney."
Cop: "You sold your kidney to pay the impound fee?"
Me: "Oh, no! Lordy, no, I'd never sell my kidney." I laughed. "I need both of them. But I have 16 kids. That's 35 kidneys, Officer.
And only about 13 of them have been tainted by drugs, cigarettes and/or alcohol."
He gave me "the cop stare".
Me: "Okok, I didn't sell a kidney. This is what really happened. I wouldnt' lie to you, Officer.
Marijuana sales have been particularly brisk this time of----no, wait. I don't want to go there. Ok, and this is the truth, I prostituted myself."
Cop: "Do I look like I'm in the mood for jokes?"
Me: "Alright, and this is exactly how it happened, because I have no reason to lie to you. I...um...I was...um...the um."
Cop: "Well?"
Me: "Well what?"
Repeating the question is a clever ploy I've seen used many, many times on COPS.
Cop: "How did you get your hands on this Hoveround?"
Alas, repeating the question never works.
Me: "Give me a minute to collect my thoughts already! You're crowding me."
And so I thought, "Hmm, I need to tap into the minds of some of the biggest liars I know. What would my offspring say in a situation like this? 'I picked it up for a friend'? 'Just give me my fucking ticket so I can get the hell out of here'? or my personal favorite, 'Hoveround? What Hoveround'?
Cop: "Tell ya what I'm going to do, Goddess. Since it's obvious how much you love this Hoveround, I'm going to do you a favor and this is the honest to God's truth, I'm going to pay your impound fee and let you have your Hoveround back."
Cop: "No, I'm lying through my teeth just like you are. Now get your ass off that chair and start walkin', sister."
And that is the story of how Goddess lost her groove and her Hoveround in the same night.

Thursday, January 19, 2006

can you help me unravel my latest mistake

Jay has pictures of his favorite mugs on his site, so this one's for you, Jay. This was my grandfather's favorite mug.
He drank from it often and he drank from it excessively, which is why Grandma kicked him out years ago and we've never seen him since.
I keep the mug because not only is it a precious family heirloom, it holds many memories.
It also holds rubber bands, various sized screws, used toothpicks and the batteries from Male Offspring #8's toy duck.
(Shhhh! That constant quacking made me CRAZY.....IER than I already am.)

Ok, here's a HUGE PET PEEVE OF MINE: when you ask a q in someone's blog comment's section and they don't bother to respond to you. That is no different than ignoring an email, which is totally rude, if you ask me. Now I'm not talking about when you post a goofy comment, that doesn't have to be replied to, but when you specifically ask a q, that should be addressed. Most blogs I read the people are nice enough to email me if they don't want to write the response in the comments section, but some rude folks just ignore the q altogether, and that's when they lose me as a reader. If they don't have the time to answer questions, I don't have the time to read their blog.

I was watching the interview on Oprah's show with the woman whose husband is missing and presumed dead after he disappeared
on their honeymoon cruise, and I was struck by the lack of tears. Course she might not have wanted to muck up her make-up.
I didn't expect her to be hysterical, but you'd think she would shed a FEW tears.
Even when Gayle was interviewing her, it was like she needed to "work up" tears. Then in a rather bizarre twist, they brought the head of the cruise line on to share his side of things, and the woman seemed to get stuck on the fact that she felt the cruise line "didn't give her everything she needed".
She kept belaboring the point, and I found it rather interesting that it became about her and not about her missing husband. I thought it ironic that she said she felt the cruise line had an obligation to be 'accountable' and yet she didn't even know how she wound up sleeping in the hall or whether or not her and her husband were fighting prior to his death or pretty much anything that happened that night. I really have no opinion on the matter one way or the other, but I'm also struck by the amount of things that she said happened (and other people said happened) to them that night, that the bride said were not characteristic of them and never happened to them before.

Overtime Hawg better not be building up to ask me for another day off. She does this all the time. If she wants something from me, she'll call me three or four times about useless shit before she finally comes out and asks me. So far she's called to ask me if she left chicken in the refrigerator, if I thought it was cold here (she lives less than mile away), and whether or not I wanted any Avon crap. I can't tell if she's trying to work up her nerve or trying to assess my mood through my voice, so I always try to keep my voice on the neutral side, bordering on slightly cranky.
Holly and I have SERIOUS PLANS for Friday and Overtime Hawg isn't going to fuck it up for us.
We plan to lay in bed all farking day chewing rawhide bones and yakking on the computer. Well, I'll leave the bones to her, but I'm sure she'll want to check
her sites. She checks Purina.com and dawgluva.com daily. Lately I've noticed she's been looking at sites that tell you how to go about adopting a dog.
So help me if she's looking to find another family to adopt her on days we're working, I'm gonna KICK HER ASS.
Speaking of my sweety petey, isn't she purdy?

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

wont sip my wine from no paper cup

You may have heard that Oprah's latest book club selection is "Night" by Elie Wiesel. Bit of downer, which is why Goddess' book club selection is the lighthearted, "The Period Book: Everything You Don't Want To Ask (But Need To Know)." Now I did have a bit of beef with the author of this book because it's 128 pages long. I mean seriously, what do you really need to know, gurls? Once you get your period, you put on your damn maxi pad and let the bleeding begin. See? That didn't even take one paragraph.
The good news? There are pictures. Luckily, none of a chick bleeding a red river.
One handy section of this book are blank pages included for "your thoughts." Oh yeah this is where you write things
like "I got my fucking period again!" "I have the cramps!! I'm DYING!!" "Why was I born with a uterus, Lord?! GOD HATES ME!!" and my all time favorite female gripe, "Why don't guys get a period?!" To which I say, "Get over it, gurls. Be glad you and your uterus is healthy.
While the book has a chapter on seeing a gynecologist, it has no chapter on how to handle the crush you will more than likely develop on said gynecologist.
Too much focus on the wrong areas if ya ask me. Read it and we'll gab.

I came up with a brilliant idea to get my Hoveround back without having to pay a penny, and doggone it if Bible thumping Male Offspring #5 didn't ruin it for me.
We have a small hometown newspaper here that writes those "poor poor pitiful me" stories, or as they call them, "human interest" stories. Anywho, I contacted one of the chicks who works there and I told her my "story." I put a fake cast on my leg and invited her to the trailer so I could pour my widdle heart out. I told her that I was playing "tag" with one of my beloved little offspring, when I fell and broke my leg--in eight places. [I was going to say four but eight sounded more pitiful.] Then I told her that because the cop confiscated my Hoveround, I had to crawl everywhere. Now I know what you're thinking: "Goddess, was he hott?" The cheeseburger definitely had appeal.
Ok, now the *other* thing you were thinking: "Goddess, why do you have to crawl everywhere? They have these newfangled things called "crutches" now."
Yes, but I told her I was TOO POOR to afford the crutches. Piling on the pathetic-ness, people.
Am I clever or WHAT?!
Ok, so everything was going fine, I could see she was buying my story hook, line and sinker, when in walks Male Offspring #5. The first question out of his mouth was, "Are we ever going to be able to afford to move out of this dump? Jesus wouldn't be caught DEAD here" which really has nothing to do with the story, so let's move along to the third question he asked, "Mom, why are you wearing that fake cast?"
I said, "Sweetie, icksnay on the akefay astcay or I'll kick you in the...in the...ass-ay."
Why oh why didn't I pay better attention in Pig Latin class?!
Then the reporter says, "It's not a fake cast."
Because SHE paid attention in Pig Latin class! Show off. "Your mother broke her leg running after one of your siblings."
After he was finished laughing, Male Offspring #5 said, "Lady, take a good look at my mother. Do you get the sense she "RUNS" after anything?!"
Why that ungrateful, little punk. That's it. First chance I get, I'm telling him Jesus and Mary Magdalene were more than just friends.
You raise your kids to lie, and then they go and do something so vile as to tell the truth when it counts.
Needless to say, the reporter refused to write the story, you people are too cheap to contribute to my Hoveround
fund and I am STILL walking. That's right, people. WALKING!!!!!!!

So THEN I came up with an even MORE brilliant idea.
I slipped into bed with a horny Mr. G, who was anxious to sex me up.
He said he was ready for me to take him on a trip to paradise.
I giggled flirtatiously and said, "Okkkkkkkk, but it's going to cost you."
In his sexy voice, he said, "Really? How much?"
I said, "$598.73, cashonlypayableinadvance."
He said, "And yet wanking doesn't cost me a dime. Pass the hand lotion, will ya?" NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

I was so distraught last night that I drove to the police station and the adjacent powerchair impound lot. I asked the cop on duty
if I could just SEE my little Hoveround, so I know she's ok.
He took me back to the lot and there she was. Gleaming in the moonlight, silently calling my name.
"Goddess.....Goddess....come ride me."
Oh, how I long to once again experience the joy of driving down the hall to the bathroom.
I looked at the cop and said, "PLEASE, Officer, PLEASE, let me have my Hoveround. If I don't get it back soon my leg muscles will
start to strengthen from all this walking. Don't you understand, man? I can't let that happen!"
But alas, he wasn't swayed by my pitiful crying....or the $2.98 and a cherry Ludens I tried to slip him as a bribe.
I stood at the gate sobbing relentlessly, until the cop told me to move along or
he'd charge me with being a public nusiance. To add insult to injury, he kept my cherry Ludens.

I know Steeler fans take their football seriously, but wow.

Whoa. Oprah is offering $100k to anyone who turns in a child molester.
Hmm, I wonder which one of my relatives I could turn in for the cash?
No, no. I'm kidding. That would be wrong, and I just couldn't do it.
In a totally unrelated matter, does anyone know how much hot tubs cost?
The deluxe models. Cash will be no concern. I'll be...ummm...coming into some money soon.

Hey people from Iran reading my site...howdy and welcome!!

Goddess' Hot Deputy O'The Week Award goes to: Deputy Lou Penta, Palm Beach County, Florida Sheriff's Department.
Damn did he ever have a body to die for........and I was willing to go down for it.

Whoa. The Catholic Church is doing away with Limbo--the place the Church believes all unbaptized babies go when they die.
Why? To make the religion more appealing in African nations. One more reason the Church annoys the Hell out of me. In order to lure more people in,
something they taught you as an important belief is conveniently eradicated because it no longer serves them.

Why in God's name is Fox News wasting our time with this Georgia hostage situation coverage?
Every freaking time they ask a question the response is either "I can't comment," or "I can't comment because this is an ongoing investigation."

Eric sent me this link to the story about Stephen Baldwin's one man war against porn. Gawd, I HATE IT
when people find Jesus and suddenly feel the need to shove Him down our throats. Thanks, Eric.

Big shocker. The NFL admitted that the ref's call that nixed Troy Polamalu's interception on Sunday was a mistake. Puhleeze.
Helen Keller could have made a better call than that ref. That call was as bad as the offsides call that they just negated. How the hell does that work?
They call false start yet nobody gets penalized? I'm just glad neither of these penalties and the
interference call they pretended not to see didn't affect the outcome of the game for the Steelers.

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

i guess you're just what i needed

Male Offspring #5 is positive that if I turn my life over to Jesus, He will return my beloved Hoveround.
(Male Offspring #5 doesn't quite jingle all the way, if you know what I mean.)
Only one flaw in that thought process: Jesus didn't slap my Hoveround in the back of His cruiser while snacking on a burger from the DQ, the cop did!
MO #5 feels that because I have not been born again,
Jesus has seen fit to remove my mode of transportation. No word on why He didn't just zap the Kia.
Apparently even Jesus knows that a Hoveround is more reliable than a car made in Korea.
But he has me thinking--Male Offspring #5, not Jesus.
Perhaps I could make a pact with Jesus that I have no intention of keeping--much like the ones I make with God when
my ass is against the wall--and when He returns my lovely Hoveround, I can say, "Psych! I can't believe you fell for that, Jesus!"
(One of these days, He's just gonna strike me dead in mid-sentence, I swear.)

So guess what Transworld Oil and Gas goes by on the stock exchange? TWOG! That's it. I'm suing.

I can't believe one lyrics site actually has the lyrics to Fatboy Slim's Kalifornia. If you've ever heard it, you know it's just "Kalifornia, druggie, druggie, druggie" over and over. Which is why I LOVE HIS STUFF!!!

If you attend the porn shows, do the world a favor and label your pics. People are sending me pics asking me who the people are.
Hell, *I'M* sending pics to *other* people asking the same question!

And this is why Goddess has never had a television in her bedroom. An Italian sexologist (there IS such a thing? I thought they were just called "lotharios"?)
has discovered through another useless study that having a television in your bedroom cuts your sexual encounters IN HALF.

Jay writes: "It's a travesty that your hoverround was impounded!
In the spirit of freeing your huggable hoverround, I pledge the first $0.25...Canadian."
Thanks, Jay. Good deal, I think your $ is worth more than ours anyway.
BTW, how does one add a half of a PBJ to that?
Hmm, I need to get Jay an emoticon to distinguish him from Jay Moyes.
Check out Jay's site, he's got a lot of great gameshow stuff, including the clip of the woman on the Price is Right falling out of her shirt.

And people ask me if *I* flunked history. Today on Family Feud, the question was "Name a famous Barbara." They picked all the obvious ones: Streisand, Walters and Bush. When it came to the last one, the guy said, "I'm going to go with the first President's wife," and I'm thinking, "What?! Her name was Martha." And he says, "Barbara Washington." Of course, Richard couldn't hold back and he said, "Ok, but I think Martha might have something to say about George fooling around with Barbara."

I gotta admit it, Stephen Colbert is growing on me. First I liked him, then I hated him, now I'm liking him again. Or maybe I'm just bored.

Monday, January 16, 2006

do you do you want my love

Lordy I heart high speed. I added a few more good cop blogs to my favorites list,
and I hit "open in tabs" and boom the entire list opens in about three seconds.
Did I mention I heart high speed?

As far as my Hoveround fund goes, Bugzz writes: "I am sorry to say, the only thing that the Buglet and I can contribute to the "Save The Hoverround Fund" is six dollars in Chuck E. Cheese tokens, and the same half of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich we tried to send you oh so many years a go. It's got a purty blanket on it now, yanno."
Ewwwwwwwwwwwwww. And I can't believe nobody's gobbled that sandwich up by now. Of course I *could* get some way cool crap with the tokens. Hang on to it, though. If I ever have trouble coming up with lunch money, I might need that sandwich...

I guess it would be best if I finished writing my post before I ftpee it.
Because I didn't update on Saturday and was late updating Sunday, South emailed me and asked me if I fell out of my Hoveround and couldn't get up.
He was close. I fell into a blue funk when the cops hauled my Hoveround away. Yes, it's still in the powerchair impound lot.
I'm trying to figure out ways to raise the $ for the impound fee, but I'm not having much luck. At first I thought perhaps I'd prostitute myself to
get the cash, but then I decided that I might never see my sweet little ride again if I do that. One guy I approached was willing to pay me $200. Well, I think he agreed cuz he said, "$200? Fuck you!" then he drove off. I think he went to get a condom. Only problem is that was yesterday and I'm still waiting for him to come back. I briefly toyed with the idea of telling people I'd WORK in exchange for the cash, but why insult their intelligence?
So now I'm screwed. Well, I will be if dude ever comes back with the condom.
Prostitution and work...ok I'm fresh out of ideas. Tell me, my faithful skimmers, how can I raise the cash to get my huggable little Hoveround back??!!!

Danielle Harper, wife of Colt's player Nick Harper, said she "accidentally" stabbed him during an argument.
She was waving a filet knife at him and "accidentally" sliced him on the knee. I understand where she's coming from.
Why just the other day I stabbed a co-worker 5 times by "accident". Ok, the first stab was an accident, the other 4 were purely for fun.

Sometimes I amaze me---and not in a good way. I kept trying to find a cheap paint program so I could crop pics.
Today it dawned on me that I got a Corel Draw CD with the desktop. Granted, it's not the latest version, but who cares?

Sunday, January 15, 2006

a piece of my passion

YAY, STEELERS!!! That's what the Colts get for trying to fuck with our Terrible Towels.
NOOOOOOOOOOW aren't you sorry you didn't pick the Steelers, Zal??
What an EXCELLENT game, despite the fact that the refs screwed the Steelers more than once.
Mr. G kept calling me on the phone, yelling "Son of a BITCH! This game is fixed!"
The Steelers dominated all the way up until the last 15 minutes or so of the game. But they pulled it out. YAY!!
I loved the couple standing in front of Jerome Bettis' parents. LOL.
A more pissed off, discouraged couple of Colts fans you couldn't have found.

Goddess' Hot Cop O'The Week Award goes to: Officer Jason Hensen of Las Vegas, Nevada.

I love the Silver Bullet/Love Train commercials from Coors Light. I really like the one where people are sitting in the stadium sweating like pigs and
the train roars on through, bringing with it the snow. It's refreshing. . And the Dr Pepper ads set to the song 'I Would Do Anything For Love" that shows a guy buying tampax for his gf.

Live Journal is ticking me off with this password bullshit. I've had the same password for as long as
I can remember--months and months--and suddenly I keep getting this message that my account has been frozen and I
have to change my password. THEN once I change it, THEY'LL let me know if it's acceptable. Fuck them.

According to an poll in Ladies Home Journal, 70% of us talk baby talk to our pets. No word on how many of us scream at them till our ears bleed.

Mr. G is on a campaign to convince me that Jared from the Subway commercials is gay. Every time the commercials
come on, he goes, "Don't you SEE it? How can you not SEE it?!"

Eminem remarried his ex-wife. Yes, the same one he was in a bitter divorce fight with four years ago. Yes, the same one he's been bitching about in his songs.
Yes, the same one he fantasized about killing in the song, "Kim," using such lovely lyrics as "Don't you get it bitch, no one can hear you?
Now shut the fuck up and get what's comin to you
You were supposed to love me
{*Kim choking*}
Awww. Isn't it sweet how much he loves her? I think they're gonna make it this time.
Proving that the line between love and hate is not only thin, it's anorexic-ly thin. Or that some people don't learn from their mistakes...

I got so fed up with Overtime Hawg changing days off with me, that I played a dirty little trick on her. Sorta. Kinda. I worked Sunday and Monday of last week because she said she was sick and she was going to go to the hospital, blah blah, but she never went because she wanted to get her farking NAILS DONE on Saturday and she was afraid they'd keep her. Friday night around 11:30, I checked my voice mail messages and the boss said that Overtime Hawg was in the hospital and would I come out the next morning and work for her? I thought about it and decided that I had had enough. She had ample opportunity to go to the hospital during the week, she screwed up my week as it was and Mr G and I hadn't had a day off together in weeks because of her constantly fucking up my schedule. Anytime anyone else is sick, she's pushing them to stay home so she can get their hours, but when it's HER turn, she just changes days with me and loses nothing. Not that I want her to lose time, but my point is she thinks she can fuck with my schedule any damn time she feels like it and I've had it. I also knew that if the boss had to fill in for her a time or two, this shit would stop. I knew if I didn't change with her, she'd lose the hours. So I ignored the call. Saturday afternoon I called out to work and apologized to the boss, saying I had been at my sister's on Friday and stayed overnight. Apparently the boss didn't take long to get tired of this shift changing shit. Overtime Hawg was so incredibly sick that they were going to keep her in the hospital when she called the boss at 10 p.m., yet an hour later she called back and said she was fine and ready to come to work. Surprisingly the boss said NO. She told her she had already made other arrangements and for her to stay home. Well Overtime Hawd ASSumed *I* was the "other arrangements" so she agreed to stay home. When she called the next day and found out she'd just lost 8 hours, it was quite a different story. She told the boss she would come out and work the afternoon hours, but again the boss told her "no," she had to stay home. I didn't want her to lose money, but I'm tired of her using me all the time. If I ask her for one favor, she immediately asks me for three favors, and since Female Offspring #1 has her own car, I haven't needed to ask to switch schedules for months.
I also decided that next Christmas I am "going out of town." I am not going to be available to switch days around a holiday anymore.
I work the 4th of July again this year as well as...sigh..Thanksgiving. But I have Chrismas Eve & Christmas Day off again, as it stands.
Overtime Hawg called me the other day at home and among other things, said "I like you and I know you like me." I must have some fucked up love mojo. The people I like don't know I like them, and the people I can't stand think I like them

Damn MSN pisses me off. Sure they're featuring cop blogs today. When are they going to feature trailer trash blogs???

The Colts Organization is lame. They're trying to limit the number of Terrible Towels in the stands at the
playoff game on Sunday, so they're passing out 60k towels of their own. Well, I hope they're super
absorbent to dry the tears of the LOSER COLTS FANS!!!

Friday, January 13, 2006

Read some Byron, Shelly and Keats Recited it over a Hip-Hop beat

Goddess' Hot Cop O'The Week Awards go to: Sgt. Mark Saunders and Off. Richard Bulette of the San Diego PD,
as seen on the new Beach Patrol show on Court TV.
Officer Bulette particularly impressed me with his no nonsense attitude. Sigh. I'll bet guys like that are really great in the sack.

I was disappointed in two new shows on Court TV. Yes, I'm difficult to please, but on the other hand, when I like something, you know it's good.
Beach Patrol is kind like Mardi Gras meets the Beach. Eh, and we all know how much I hate those Mardi Gras COPS eps. Instead of following one incident through to it's conclusion, the show jumps around and comes back to the segment several times throughout the half hour. I didn't like that.
Also disappointing was Hot Pursuit. Basically it's just World's Wildest Police Vids minus that annoying John Bunnell. But it still featured some of the dumb rhetoric like, "A drunk driver runs into the wrong police officer." There's a RIGHT police officer to run into when you're drunk off your ass?
But what really annoyed me about this show is that they were showing old footage from '96 and '99. Surely there have been more recent car chases.

Hmm, apparently I have a lot of fans of the movie The Constant Gardener reading this journal...

So Angelina is preggers with Brad's kid. Comes as no great surprise.
I mean I *knew* there was a reason she was allowing him to adopt her children.
I wouldn't be the least bit surprised if they're already married. I love the big news story
on Yahoo about Jennifer Aniston not being told before the press found out.
They're not married any longer. He's not obligated to tell her.

Alex sent me the link to a story about a Missouri woman who held the cops at bay with a stun gun all the while undressing in
front of them. He asked me if I had been in Missouri anytime recently.
Yeah, cuz threatening the cops while I undress is pretty much the only way I can get them to watch...

When is that idiot Pat Robertson going to wise up and understand that God is NOT the vindictive one?
He has now apologized for his stupid comments that Sharon's stroke is due to punishment from God because he pulled Israel out of the Gaza Strip. If that's the case, why wasn't Saddam sticken with a horrible disease? Why didn't Hitler have a crippling stroke? Maybe the stroke had something to do with the fact that Sharon is elderly and overweight? No, let's blame God. We're quite capable of screwing things up ourselves, thank you very much.

Gawd, those NYPD blue guys get cleverer and cleverer all the time, as evidenced by this story about a guy who allegedly
stole $10k and hid it up his sleeve. Well who knew the cops would check THERE?!

And I don't know what exact sex toy they were talking about in this story, but if it's big enough to cause an injury that requires stitches, I WANT ONE!!!

Thursday, January 12, 2006

come and get down and dirty baby

Question for all you laptop owners, what in the world do you clean your laptop with to keep it from getting dusty? And what do you use to clean the screen?

So I emailed Alyssa Abkowitz, the chick who wrote the article on South and
I said, among other things, "But "beady eyes" and "a soft belly"? Come on. My ex-stalkee is much better looking than that."
And she said, "Beady eyes and a soft belly doesn't mean he's not attractive -- I didn't mean to infer that!"
Hmmm, I don't know. Sounds like back pedalin' to me.

So today I received a call from Marlo Thomas and she said, "Hi, this is Marlo Thomas. I'm so sorry I missed you."
Really? Then why was your call taped ahead of time, Marlo, as if you PLANNED to miss me?!
And this is not the first time this has happened. Marlo has called me several times in the past and every time, she conveniently "misses" me.

Oh SON OF A BITCH!! The cops confiscated my beloved Hoveround when they spied me driving down the
highway to Dollar General. Clearly this is a violation of my civil rights. People are allowed to WALK to Dollar General,
yet I am not allowed to Hoveround to Dollar General!! That is WRONG.
As soon as I saw the cop I tried to make a fast getaway--curse that five mile speed limit on Hoverounds! I'm "running" away and
the cop is strolling alongside me eating a cheeseburger that he just picked up at the Dairy Queen.
The dude wasn't even winded! And damn did that cheeseburger ever smell good. I didn't recognize him but apparently this was the same cop who came to the trailer on Halloween. He said he enjoyed our "chases" cuz he didn't have to break a sweat.
Cops are so damn clever too! They trick you into saying things you don't want to say.
Cop: "Ma'am, you can't drive that thing on the highway."
Me: "Officer, I HAVE to. It's my only way I have of getting critical medical supplies."
Cop: "Critical medical supplies?"
Me: "You know, drugs."
Cop: "And you have no other way of getting your prescriptions?"
Me: "Prescriptions? What prescrip--I mean, no, no I don't."
Cop: "Do you have any identification with you?"
Me: "No, I left my driver's license in my caaaaaaaa--oh shit."
See? Did you notice how tricky he was?! Guh. The last I saw of my sweet Hoveround it was being loaded into the trunk of a police car.
Sigh. He told me they'd be taking it to the powerchair impound lot. Apparently there are more fat lazy people living in my area than I realized.
And I have to pay a fine before he'd give it back to me.
Hell, he wouldn't even let me have it five minutes so I could drive up to the Dairy Queen and get a cheeseburger.
The unkindest cut of all was that I had to walk that .4 of a mile back to the trailer....

druggie druggie druggie

Thing #872 that I never knew: according to PCWorld.com, "...burned CDs have a relatively short life span of between two to five years."
Damn it. Like a bad case of genital herpes, I thought burned CD's lasted forever.

Bugzz writes this about Whitney Houston: "Must be nice to be rich enough to use a fur coat as your effin' bathrobe."
On the show, she wears that EVERYWHERE.
And it doesn't matter what crappy clothes she's wearing underneath it either.
It's always been on my mind that there's no way she can continue to spend on clothes and alleged
drugs the way she does without really having an income anymore. In the article they're now saying that's she's running low on money.
Hell, how could she not be? I imagine having BB as a husband would be a huge drain on one's finances. The sad thing is that he is now
the more coherent of the two, and that ain't saying much.

My Lab is a very bad influence on me. Just yesterday morning, her and I were all snuggled in bed together.
I said, "Holly, it's 7 a.m. I think you and I should get up and get some work done around here."
She said, "Goddess, seriously. Do you know what your biggest problem is? Besides being way too good looking, you work too hard.
Sweetie, take some time to smell the dog poo."
That last part didn't sound too appealing. I said, "Do you really think I'm good looking because I certainly do that I've been using that new facial scrub and--"
She interrupted and said, "Honey, Honey. You're talking like you think I care. I only said that so you'd shut up and go back to sleep. Now shut up and go back to sleep."
And that's why we didn't roll out of bed until almost 11 a.m. yesterday.

C.P. and I were having a conversation the other day about "my lack of an attention span," as he puts it. It's true. I'm a day dreamer. I can't help it. Fucking sue me. He gets mad when we're out together and I start scribbling stuff down. Hey! If it doesn't upset Mr. G when I start writing things down during sex, why should it upset him?! But for C.P. to say that I NEVER pay attention is bullshit. To prove my point, I sat through a showing of a movie of his choice--The Constant Gardener. It wasn't my cup of tea, I'll admit. I'm not really into horticulture. BUT I sat through it and I paid attention to it because that's the kind of CARING, ATTENTIVE FRIEND I AM!!
For those of you who haven't seen it, btw, The Constant Gardener is about a guy who has a compulsive gardening habit
and the agony he goes through when he tries to quit cold turkey.

I watched Larry King's interview with James Frey with interest. (And YES! I actually paid attention...) In my humble opinion, Frey would have been better off served had he kept his mouth shut or just issued a short statement. He kept reiterating that it was "a memoir." Well, most people expect memoirs to be factual. Then he tried to say that it was just a small part of it that had been changed. Well, then it never happened to you, so it shouldn't be part of YOUR memoir, should it? Personally, I am leary of trusting the memories of someone who claims to have been stoned or in an alcoholic stupor for several years. How can they then write about those years with an "honest" mind? And here's the interesting question: will his new book be even BIGGER because of this or a big flop?
Frey said he first shopped the book to publishers AS fiction and says that he's been open that parts of it are fabricated.
I gotta say I think Larry King is a piss poor interviewer. His focus was largely: "Did you talk to Oprah?" "Did Oprah call you?" "Are you going to call Oprah?" "Do you think Oprah will be forgiving?" "What do you think Oprah will say?" One of the first questions he asks James' mother, "Do you think you'll hear from Oprah?"
Oh, stop obsessing about Oprah already! I'm sure Larry creamed his pants when Oprah did get through to the show to say that yes, she still supports James.
I wanted to slap him when Larry said, "So you wish James no ill will?" Oh for Pete freaking sakes. Who is she now? God? At this point in time, I think the onus is not so much on James Frey as it is on the publishing industry itself. As I said, he admitted that he originally shopped it around to the publishers AS fiction, and he admitted that he, along with the publishers discussed HOW it would be sold and he also admitted to them that parts had been changed. IMHO, the publishing company is the one at fault in this mess.

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

brimful of asha on the 45

Hey, kids. Look who's on the cover of Atlanta's Creative Loafing? And who knows more about loafing than this guy...
Ok, I loved the "beady eyes" description....LOL. Like South's some sort of perv....oh, that's right. He is.

For those of you who are too lazy to crack open (get it? crack...never mind) the National Enquirer, I made a special trip to the store and bought a copy.
I did! I SWEAR! If you haven't seen her in awhile, brace yourself, but this is what Whitney Houston looks like today. And NO, after seeing her on Being Bobby Brown, I do NOT think that picture is re-touched one iota. She looks that bad.

Lisa said she saw this t shirt in the store--you can see she's clearly still IN the store in one of the pics...LOL--and she thought of me
so she snapped the pic. I like her spunk! Truth to be told, she's partially right. I like men OUT of uniform. Thanks, Lisa!

Last night I saw an episode of COPS from '03 featuring Officer Erik Larson, of Palm Springs. I've seen this particular segment many times and every time I see it, I'm amazed at how well the officer kept his cool when dealing with a female dimwit, who refused to cooperate. The original call was for a problem with loud music and people drinking by their truck on the street. Officer Larson asked this chick at least five or six times for her identification, and many times, she just stood there looking at him. I wanted to slap the bitch myself. Then she says, "Oh, I'll go get my gun." How smart is it to say THAT to a cop? Anyway, he finally ended up hauling her off to jail on a warrant, and
personally I was glad to see her go.

Lindsay Lohan is upset with a Vanity Fair article that says she has bulimia. She claims that her words were misconstrued.
Shut up, Lindsay. Have we not established that the more pitiful you are, the more the American public embraces you when you become famous?!
But--and this gets me--she's pissed about it now, but when a lot of young girls come out and say she's helped them by her story,
she won't be denying it anymore. I think she's concerned about possible fall out right now.

If you're in the grocery store, open the National Enquirer that has Whitney Houston on the front and check out her picture. Now THAT is sad.
I've mentioned before how bad she looks, but if you haven't seen her lately, check that out.
Her face is so gaunt and old from alleged drug use that if it wasn't for the fur coat and snotty attitude, you wouldn't know that was Whitney.
Only Whitney would wear a fur coat to a convenience store.

Well who knew he was gonna check up on me?! I was sorting through the mail with Mr. G and saw that the first payment on my laptop was due.
He said, "So you've had the laptop for a month now. How much writing have you done?"
I, of course, immediately countered with an intellectual, "Huh?" And that was quickly followed by
a thought provoking, "Now when you say, "writing," are we talking "writing writing," or "IM writing" or "writing for somebody else's site" or "writing for my site"?"
He said, "Writing on your novel writing."
Again, I was prepared with an excellent, well thought out response, "Ooooooooooh. That."
UGH. Then I got the "buckle down and get more disciplined" speech. Sigh. But he's absolutely right.
I transferred everything I have to date to the laptop and so far I've done diddly.

Speaking of writers, I see two writers, JT LeRoy and James Frey (an Oprah Book O'Da Month Club author) have been charged with fabricating "facts" about their pasts. LeRoy has always claimed to be a 25 yr old man, but thoughts are that "he's" really a 40 yr old woman. Frey has been accused of lying about time spent in jail and embellishing his problems with the law. I plan to embellish my past when I become famous myself. Sorry, Mom and Dad, but you're going down. I'm going to tell everyone how you used to beat us and feed us bread crusts every night. I'll have a professional photographer retouch all my old chubby adolescent pics and make me look rail thin and pathetic. Well, I pretty do look pathetic in all my pics anyway. I'm going to blab about how we each had our own cardboard box to live in outside the house while Mom and Dad lived inside in the warmth and cheerful atmosphere. You know, the more I think about it, I think I'll take each one of my siblings down, too.
Except the one I might be forced to live with if the book flops or is a one hit wonder.
Oh, I'll make it good and pitiful. Cuz the underdawgs get all the sympathy and hell, sympathy sells!
When you can't rely on hot and sexy, po and pitiful is the next best thing. Just ask Frey and LeRoy.

Damn it. Bugzz sent me this email days ago and I forgot to post it. Sorry about that. Personally, I blame the drugs. You know, as in not having enough of them. Anywho, I was talking about that weirdo chick marrying a dolphin and Bugzz had this to say: "Tell me....why is it that a woman can marry a dolphin, and it will get *some* media attention....but when a man wants to marry another man...read another human being all hell breaks loose, and the claws and picket signs come out? I can't understand that...one is an animal (or mammal...whatever...I can still see it at the Sea World)...and the other option is humans of the same sex wanting to marry each other..."
Hmmm, I believe you need to ask the other dolphins why they were too friggin' lazy to protest this atrocity upon their species.
Normally, Bugs will tell me stuff about the Buglet and I don't post it because it's usually personal, but I thought this was too cute and since it isn't personal I'm sure she won't mind me sharing. She said his newest favorite phrase is "What gibs?" LOL. I love that.

Damn. Lexington Steele was looking mighty fine in all the pics I've seen of him from the show.

I was out shopping this morning and I see Star Jones has a new book out on how to get a man.
Not sure if she means a man everybody alleges is gay, or a known heterosexual.
I was reading through some of it and oh Lord, she even gives hair and make up tips.
Lord save me from celebs who take years to get a man, then gets one that everybody alleges is gay, is married to him for an ENTIRE YEAR,
then considers herself an expert on females and relationships.

Close to 80 dogs have died from eating contaminated dog food. Diamond Pet Foods, located in South Carolina has recalled 19 varieties of cat and dog food that is believed to be contaminated with "...aflatoxin, a naturally occurring toxic chemical that comes from a fungus found on corn and other grains that causes severe liver damage in animals." One woman's dog has such severe liver damage that she has to force feed it six times a day with a syringe. That would be so gut wrenching.
People pamper their pets in so many ways and for them to get deathly sick or die from something that was supposed to be good for
them is just heartbreaking. The food was distributed mostly in states along the East Coast.

Ok, I *think* I'm off until Sunday now. The other woman called yesterday and said she was coming in on Tuesday.
She's driving me crazy. She called me no less than five times on Sunday. "I'm coming in." "I'm not coming in."
"I changed my mind. I better stay home." "No, I'm coming out."
FUCKING MAKE UP YOUR MIND!!! She has a bowel obstruction and instead of going
into the hospital, she took all the stuff home with her that she has to take. She said she can't miss work because she has a $400 pharmacy bill to pay.
Then--get this--in the next breath she tells me that she doesn't want to work on Saturday because she gets her hair and nails done every Saturday.
And the boss told me she just spent over $100 on Easter crap from a catalog one of the other women brought in.
Well, damn. She's practically got one foot in the poorhouse, doesn't she?
Gawd, I HATE it when people have money and cry poor. If you're going to cry poor like I do, at least fucking BE POOR!!
No, some people can't even do poverty right.
She had gastric bypass surgery last year and she says that makes her prone to these colon problems. But when you have part of your colon
removed, you can't be fooling around with an obstruction just so you can get your freaking nails done. What I DON'T WANT is for her to work a
couple days then take a couple more days off. I hate that about her. I don't think I've seven days in a row off since August. She always needs off.
The bad part about is that she's bothered me so much the last few months about needing different days off,
that when she's sick like this, I'm more annoyed than compassionate, which is how I should be responding.

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

its going to be a fine night tonight its going to be a fine day tomorrow

How you know you're driving too fast...

OMG!! If you love HOTT COPS, and WHO DOESN'T, right???
Go to this site, click "Marketplace," then link on the left hand side that says "Photo Gallery CD."
Then click "preview 50 photographs from the Gallery" on any of the many CD's for sale.
There are TONS of great pics--lots of motorcops, Kat--and they're nice big pics, not those crappy thumbnails.

I'm totally STUCK on Fatboy Slim's "Can't Stop the Rock." I LOVE IT!!!
His music is the best music I've ever found to write to. "Push the Tempo" is also fabulous.

Stephen Colbert is absolutely perfectly cast as a schoolteacher in Strangers With Candy.
He just acts and sounds like so many teachers I've had and seen. Speaking of which, a Strangers With Candy
movie is slated for release this spring. It was supposed to come out in '05, but the deal to
distribute it fell through. And yes, Stephen is in the movie, tool

I love how misleading and ridiculous ads for weight loss products are. My favorite is the one for Propolene where it tells you NOT to call unless you want to lose body fat. Um, DUH. Why else would you want a diet aid? To lose brain cells? Another misleading line from that ad is "Now you can get Propolene over the counter without a prescription." When was it EVER a prescription medication?? It wasn't, but they didn't exactly say that it was, did they? No, they just tried to make you think that.

I cannot believe my neighbor Lurlene tried to say that her Scooter was better than my Hoveround.
EXCUSE ME?! That piece o'crap can't begin to compare to my beloved Hoveround.
Just for that I'm going to drive over there tonight and flatten her tires. I'm going to have to challenge her to a drag race.

Monday, January 09, 2006

smells like baby boomer spirit

Is it my imagination or do I never see pics of South on AVN's website during the convention and awards celebration??

YAY! The Steelers beat the Bengals!!! One down, two to go.

I guess you all know by now that the Nun Bun was stolen from a cafe in Nashville on Christmas Day. I am sad to say it has still not been returned.
If you haven't heard about it, the Nun Bun is a cinnamon bun that looks like Mother Theresa. Good Lord.
Slap a white habit on that thing and it's the spitting imagine of Mother T.
(That's her seldom used rap nickname, btw.)
Reports indicate money lying near the bun was left untouched.
"They went right for the bun," said the owner of the coffee shop. And who wouldn't?

I was reading an article in one of the women’s magazines about gifts for Valentines Day. It made me think of some of the more memorable, but crappy gifts, I’ve gotten for VD. I once dated a guy who was a tad, um, crazy and he gave me a tin that had “I’m nuts over you” written on the outside. The tin was, of course, filled with rocks. Apparently he wasn’t kidding about the “nuts” part. The same guy also gave me candy hearts with religious comments written on them, like “God loves you,” “praise God” and--my favorite--”Got God?” written on them. Another lovely VD gift I received over the years was a potholder with a heart that said “I love you this much.” The heart had “arms”--don’t ask me, I didn’t design it--and the arms were spread about three inches apart. Apparently the dude loved me three inches worth. And, of course, he loved me a whole $1.99 that he shelled out for the crappy pot holder. I think the most memorable Valentine’s Day gift I’ve gotten to date is a statue of a cow that says, “You’re for-heifer.” Oh, yeah, that one went over like free booze at an AA meeting.

The remains of three Prehistoric men from the Iron Age were found recently in an Irish bog. Scientists were shocked at what they found. One used hair gel, the other was 6’6” tall and the third one was clutching a porno mag in one hand and his weeny in the other. Not so different from Modern Man, are they?

A police officer in Anderson, Indiana, subscribed to several adult magazines and joined a CD club using the name of firefighter who is now married to the cop’s ex-wife. That’s it?! That’s the best revenge a cop could come up with? What about sticking some heroin evidence in the dude’s firefighter pants? What about having hookers sent over to the firehouse? Or tying a knot in his fire hose?

Speaking of cops, did you read the news story about the “pack of angry Chihuahuas that attacked a police officer? He was escorting a teen home after a traffic accident when the Chihuahuas went completely ballistic. If Chihuahuas can go ballistic, that is. The officer sustained minor bites to the ankle. I was once attacked by a old Weiner dog. It was a pathetic sight to see. He started charging--slowly trotting--after me and I pretended to fall--three times--so it could catch up to me and gum my ankle.

YAY. The Baby Boomers have banded together and voiced their opinions. Angry at being scorned by the people putting together the Super Bowl half time show, they protested about being excluded and the producers of the show have changed their minds. Don’t fuck with a Boomer!

Cheerleading injuries more than double. Research indicates cheerleading injuries more than doubled from 1990 through 2002, while participation grew just 18 percent over the same period. You know why, don’t you? Fat cheerleaders. You always want to put them at the bottom of the pyramid.

Sunday, January 08, 2006

system of a down

Well my week off was cut dramatically short. After two days I was called back to work because one of the women I work with is sick. I just hope *I* last. My gallbladder has been funky since yesterday. Usually I get a sharp pain, but this is worst--it's tender and tender indicates inflammation. Keep your fingers crossed it passes. I haven't eaten anything fried and that's usually what sets it off, so again, hoping it passes.

I taped the new SWAT shows, Dallas SWAT and Texas SWAT and was flipping between the two of them since they both came on at the same time. Texas SWAT seems to
be more about the work and Dallas SWAT seems to be following one guy and showing his personal life as well as his work. I may be dead wrong on that as I watch more of Texas SWAT and if I am I'll let you know. It's just that everything I saw related to the job on that show.
Texas SWAT is on Court TV and Dallas SWAT is on A&E.
Dallas SWAT wasn't bad, but I'm not really watching a SWAT show to see if the guy can get a date with the hairdresser he broke up with a few weeks prior, ya know? I think I would like it a lot more if they profiled a different SWAT guy each time, but next week's previews seem to show a lot of the same guy again.
Maybe I just wasn't that into the guy profiled, I don't know.

Some of the AVN award winners:
Best Actress - Video
Janine, Pirates, Digital Playground/Adam & Eve

Best Actor - Film
Randy Spears, Eternity, Wicked Pictures

Best Director - Video
Joone, Pirates, Digital Playground/Adam & Eve

Female Performer of the Year
Audrey Hollander

Best Director - Film
Paul Thomas, The Devil in Miss Jones, Vivid Entertainment Group

Best New Starlet
McKenzie Lee

As I read through the list, I think, "HOLY HELL!! Randy Spears is STILL in porn?!"
If he was a woman, he would have been booted to da curb years ago.

Saturday, January 07, 2006

baby you can drive my car

My husband is really into these books on the old west. Yesterday I asked him what he wanted for supper and
he said, "you know, when the pioneers were settling in the West, if someone died along the way, they'd cook themand eat them."
Ok, I was thinking more along the lines of ham or turkey.

See? The big fuck up with South's site never would be happening right now if *I* was staying his place. So I hope all you people are busy
emailing him and telling him that I should be allowed to STAY AT HIS CRAPPY HELLHOLE!!!
Wow. When I put it like that it doesn't sound too doggoned appealing, does it?
Oh and when you email Mike, tell him you'd like his MySpace blog addy in which he tries to pass himself off as a 20 year old. I've read it. It's sad.
He talks about his favorite characters on
The O.C., how his parents are a drag and how he has to sneak out of Mom's house every afternoon at "420" wink wink.

Ya know Luke Ford-ites call him their "Moral Leader"--ok truth be told Luke probably calls himself that,
but I think I shall now have to refer to South as "Our Immoral Leader" or "Our Abnormal Leader." I think the later sums him up quite nicely.

Well no WONDER South doesn't have time to post my updates. He's too busy posing for pictures. At least he's not wearing that ghastly fishing vest. Ya know, the more I think about it, the money he squandered on that shirt
would probably have PAID MY AIRFARE!! Or at least my gas money!! Thanks Bornyo for sending the "evidence."

Bill Maher on the rudeness of New Yorkers: "New York City cop after the crucifixion of Christ: 'Show's over'!"

My heart goes out to all the people who lost family in the mining accident. It wasn't that long ago that it was happening in my
little corner of the world. Fortunately the outcome here was a happy one. I remember all too well the rumors that were running
rampant during the rescue of the Quecreek miners. Thankfully, Gov. Mark Schweiker double and triple checked all information
before passing it on to the families.

Thanks to Alex and Jay for letting me know about an upcoming Reno 911 movie.
Jay sent this: "The entire TV cast starts shooting by the end of the month "Reno 911!:
Miami" for Paramount, which will be improvised from a plot regarding a
bio-attack on a Miami police convention, as is their custom (the
improv, not the bio-attack):"
They improv the show?! Damn, they're really funny...
I'll tell you what I told Alex, Jay. I can't wait for the movie to come out......on DVD.

Friday, January 06, 2006

and in the back of your mind i know you should be home with me

Is anybody else getting the feeling that Bill O'Reilly acts like a complete ass when he's on other
shows like The Daily Show and Letterman just to get some publicity for himself?
I can't think of any other logical reason for his behavior.

Is it my imagination or does Jack Abramoff look a lot like a young Lyle Waggoner?
At least the crooks in Washington are getting better looking.
Lordy, I hate it when high profile unattractive people are in trouble with the law.

Yee haw! New COPS eps this weekend. Oh, upon further inspection, make that new "ep."
COPS is forever running freaking repeats. You see one new one and five repeats.
Now get out there and break the law--if you're attractive--so we can see you making a jackass out of yourself on tv.

Ok, how smart is this? The family in Turkey who have teenagers who died from the bird flu said that
they had chickens that suddenly started dying, so they slaughtered the rest and ate them.
Yeah, that's something you want to do, eat an animal that died myseriously before it's time.
Yum! Them's diseased ones are good eatin'.

An "artist" who chained his legs together so he could get an accurate picture of them while camping in an abandoned mine
shaft 5 miles outside of Baker, California, has to have muttered the biggest "OH SHIT" in history when he realized he'd lost the key.
He had to hop wascally wabbit style 12 hours through the desert to get help.

An "eccentic" millionnaire married the love of her life a couple days ago.
Nothing unusual there except the "groom" was a 35 year old dolphin.
Why is it that when people are wealthy and nuts they're called "eccentric"?
Hope somebody gave her a one way ticket to Crazytown as a wedding gift.
Whoops. Apparently, she's a longtime resident.

My post on South's page.

and in the back of your mind i know you should be home with me

Is anybody else getting the feeling that Bill O'Reilly acts like a complete ass when he's on other
shows like The Daily Show and Letterman just to get some publicity for himself?
I can't think of any other logical reason for his behavior.

Is it my imagination or does Jack Abramoff look a lot like a young Lyle Waggoner?
At least the crooks in Washington are getting better looking.
Lordy, I hate it when high profile unattractive people are in trouble with the law.

Yee haw! New COPS eps this weekend. Oh, upon further inspection, make that new "ep."
COPS is forever running freaking repeats. You see one new one and five repeats.
Now get out there and break the law--if you're attractive--so we can see you making a jackass out of yourself on tv.

Ok, how smart is this? The family in Turkey who have teenagers who died from the bird flu said that
they had chickens that suddenly started dying, so they slaughtered the rest and ate them.
Yeah, that's something you want to do, eat an animal that died myseriously before it's time.
Yum! Them's diseased ones are good eatin'.

An "artist" who chained his legs together so he could get an accurate picture of them while camping in an abandoned mine
shaft 5 miles outside of Baker, California, has to have muttered the biggest "OH SHIT" in history when he realized he'd lost the key.
He had to hop wascally wabbit style 12 hours through the desert to get help.

An "eccentic" millionnaire married the love of her life a couple days ago.
Nothing unusual there except the "groom" was a 35 year old dolphin.
Why is it that when people are wealthy and nuts they're called "eccentric"?
Hope somebody gave her a one way ticket to Crazytown as a wedding gift.
Whoops. Apparently, she's a longtime resident.

My post on South's page.

Thursday, January 05, 2006

slash dot slash dot com

On COPS, Hottie Deputy Robert Sandt, Palm Beach County, Florida, stopped to chat with a known drug user and he asked her where she got her money,
she said, "Well, you know I have a job." He said, "What kind of job?" She said, "Well, you know I'm in sales."
LOL.. great way to describe prostitution.

Who knew?! There's a Hoveround group on Yahoo!

Did you read about the South Korean dude who set himself on fire after receiving a $300 fine for disturbing the peace.
Maybe it's just me, but I think he took it fairly well.

One of my neighbors bought his wife a lovely snow plow blade that he attached to the front of her three wheel bicycle.
He said that way she can get her exercise and do "something productive" at the same time. Ouch.
I'm just wondering if I can hook up a snow plow blade to my Hoveround. But I'm afraid I might get...um...bogged down in the snow.

I thought I was bad because whenever I buy a new coat I wear it inside the first day that I get it. I'm talking
regardless of whether or not it's a winter coat in summer. But I have to laugh when I see these people on tv wearing leather jackets.
Like right now I'm watching ShopNBC and the showhost dude is wearing a turtle neck sweater and a leather coat. WTH? What's funny
too is they're pimping sheets and the lady's like, "If you want a really romantic look, put on all ivory sheets." Oh like the guys will
even notice when they're flat on their backs getting their cocks sucked.

Damn DISH. Once again I'd like to give it a pitch right out the window. I tried to tape Texas SWAT last night on Court TV--or
whatever new SWAT show was on last night--and all I got was an hour of the signal error.

When he finally posts it, you can read my update on South's page here.

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

check your paranoia

Remember how I said the trailer for Hostel was incredibly upsetting? I saw another trailer even more
disturbing: Grandma's Boy, in which a young man makes out with Shirley Jones.

Congrats, Penn State!! Great game between Penn State and Florida State last night....three overtimes! Whoo hoo!
And of course it goes without saying that three overtimes is only exciting if your team wins. If they lose, it's just a hella long game.

Eh crap. I think I missed that new SWAT show on A&E last night. Texas SWAT airs tonight on Court TV@ 8 p.m.
Let's see if I can remember to catch that one.

A cat in Columbus, Ohio, is credited with saving his owner when the cat hit the speed dial button for 911. My cats could never do that.
They're not clever enough. Oh they can order pizza on the phone, but whoopee. They NEVER remember to ask for deep dish.

Okay, kids, check out my post on South's page...

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

these words are my own

Check out the Barbie I bought my female offspring this Christmas. At last a role model for them to identify with...

Monday, January 02, 2006

long way from home

Mr. G is still dicking around with his car. We put over $350 into it and the "check engine" light is still on. These newer cars piss me off. It used to be that when your "check engine" light came on you knew you were driving around with a crack in the engine block. Now something so inconsequential as bad gas can set it off. We took it to one garage and the little asswipe did work that needed to be done, but had nothing whatsoever to do with the sensor, so we were no further ahead after shelling out all this money. He kept bypassing the sensor to do the other work.
Mr. G finally took it to Auto Zone, where they put it on the computer for free. At the first garage the guy said, "The computer tells me 6 or 7 things it could POSSIBLY be." Fuck that crap. Auto Zone told us EXACTLY what it was and didn't charge a damn thing.
Turns out it was an oxy sensor. He said that it regulates fuel within the catalytic converter. Mr. G asked him how much it cost, and he said, "Usually only about $15-$20, but I've never had anyone buy one for a Kia, let me look it up." The fucker cost $153. The salesman's like "Holy shit. I've never seen them this expensive before." Then he just told Mr. G to pretty much forget it, that it would cause him to lose a mile or two in mileage, but it wasn't worth the cost to fix it. The only problem is that the "check engine" light stays on all the time now.
Damn Koreans. First they tried to screw us over in the war and now they're trying to fuck us over with their cheap(ly made) vehicles. I've said it before and I'll say it again, Kias are fine IF you buy a brand new one and keep it for five years. Once you start getting into the repairs, you'll feel like you've been ass fucked over several times without experiencing the Screaming O OR the lube.

The boss watched the parade for two hours. Damn.
She kept calling me into her office to show me "beautiful floats"--well, I've never seen one in that parade that DIDN'T qualify as beautiful.
Funny thing is she called me in about ten minutes ago and said, "They're re-running the parade again."
I'm like Lordy, I could barely sit through it the first time.