Sunday, December 31, 2006
This pretty much sums it all up....
I keep trying to remember the exact words to my favorite Blues Brothers quote, but I think its something like, "When you bend over I see every bit of Christmas, and when you bend back, I'm looking right into the New Year..."
I was listening to the radio this morning on the way to work, and Dick Bartlett was saying that the author of Three Dog Night's hit "Joy To The World" originally wanted it sung with a "more gospel sound" to it. Jeramiah was a bullfrog? Gospel? I can almost hear it being sung in churches across the land.
CNN was running a story about a farmer who was upset because Muslims wanted the land next to his farm to build a Mosque. He was worried they wanted his land, too. One local was quoted as saying, "It has nothing to do with religion. They can use the building for anything else but a Mosque." Sounds like it has EVERYTHING to do with religion. The funniest part of the entire story, though, was the farmer living on the adjoining property's comment after arranging for pig races. I'm guessing he thought it would be insulting to them. He says he later realized they weren't after his property, but had the pig races anyway because he "didn't want to look like a laughing stock." Yeah, *not having* pig races is what makes you look like a laughing stock....
My MIL is pissed because my SIL (her daughter) bought her a PAPER SHREDDER for Christmas. LOL! She said, "What kind of a gift is that?!" It's great....if you're a gub'ment official.
Excuse me while I go on a rant.
I mention watching The Young and The Restless from time to time on my site.
The soap has a character who comes on from time to time, reeks havoc and then *always* manages
to either cheat death or evade the cops, only to reappear again several years later. The last time
we saw Shelia's character, which sadly was only a few short months ago, she was handing a picture of someone to a
plastic surgeon and telling him it would be his most challenging job yet. Now Shelia has
reappeared looking EXACTLY like another veteran cast member, because, of course, it's said cast member playing a dual role.
Not only does she look exactly the same, but she SOUNDS exactly the same.
She must have had a complete vocal cord overhaul as well as the surgery.
And this is why I think the writers of Y&R deserve a big fat fucking kick in the ass.
They think their viewers are so stupid and so gullible and so loyal that they can toss any garbage at us that they want to and we will continue to watch.
COUNT. ME. OUT.
If this crap ass story was a manuscript, it would NEVER get published because it relies totally
on unlikely coincidences to pull it off. Nothing is more frustrating than having to swallow one unbelievable incident after another.
Saturday, December 30, 2006
in the National Enquirer: "Hanging Hoax: Saddam Still Alive"?
Someone has been pulling out pieces of my cinnamon broom and I've narrowed the suspects down to one bratty cat named Buddha.
Because he's her favorite cat, Female Offspring #1 insists he's innocent and is trying to point the finger at Stupid Cat.
Fortunately for Stupid Cat, the "cinnamon broom bandit" struck UPstairs while she was sleeping DOWNstairs. Apparently, I need one of those cinnamon sniffing dogs like the cops have.
You know the one big drawback to having a trailer full o'family? Having to listen to someone sing "What's Love Got To Do With It?" at the top of their lungs while showering at 6 a.m. Now I won't name the obnoxious warbler, but I will say this, I *nailed* that second verse!
For some odd reason I woke up at 3 a.m. worried about Female Offspring #1 driving back to Pburgh today. I usually feel ok with it, even though I always tell her to call as soon as she gets home, but for some reason, I'm feeling very worried about it today. I'll be glad when I get her call telling me she's a ok.
I saw previews for "The Hitch" and I have to ask, what ASSHOLE would
think that hitch hiker looks trustworthy and pick him up????
Friday, December 29, 2006
brand spanking new metal detectors, I shall take a moment to update...
I am so disappointed. I had Female Offspring #1 drive me to the site of the best
redneck Christmas decoration EVER and they had already taken it down. DAMN!!
Remember the place I told you about last year where they had Jesus, Mary and Joseph next to a burned out Chevy?
Well, this year they had Jesus, Mary and Joseph slapped on a wooden hitch. Next to them
was a snowman and behind them were rusty outdoor ornaments from last year.
And ALL of this was behind a chain link fence once again. In front of the fence were about ten garbage bags.
Speaking of the Saintly Trio, ever since I put my Nativity set up, I keep finding the sheep
and one of the Wisemen in weird, compromising positions.
And I find my snow women naked on the fridge every morning.
This is why I can't have nice things, people! Or visitors...
What is WRONG with me?! I am hooked on that stupid "Waterloo" song by Abba. Ugh!!
And here's the kicker--this is not the first time I've been hooked on that song.
Quick! Somebody jam a bamboo shoot under my fingernail so I can feel good again.
At least it's not as bad as the time I was hooked on "YMCA" and I walked around the trailer
making all the hand/arm motions as I sang. Sigh.
I am so thrilled because I bought myself a cinnamon broom. I *heart* cinnamon and
the scent of cinnamon candles usually doesn't last.
I saw (and smelled;) these brooms last year at Dollar Gen, but I didn't buy one.
They sell for $10.75 on Wiccan Way, and I paid $2 for the exact same broom at Dollar General.
I love the smell so much I bought another one to hang in the kitchen
because you'll notice on the site it says it's used to "ward off negative influences" aka my cooking skills.
The brooms are made by this company, and if you love cinnamon, trust me, you'll love to have these in your home or car.
I love when sitcoms have all the characters retell an event that happened earlier from their own viewpoints.
I was watching NewsRadio yesterday in which Catherine called a staff meeting and announced she was quitting.
Mr. James wanted to know what happened, so each employee told him their version. Bill's was hilarious.
In it, Catherine came onto him and threw herself at him after saying she was leaving. As he
was telling it, Mr. James interrupted and said, "Bill, I've read letters in Penthouse that were more plausible."
I clicked on an article in Hotmail called "Find Sexy Bartenders In Your City."
I typed in the name of a city in California and Zal's picture came up. I *knew* he was holding out on me!
Well, I feel soooo much better knowing that the FDA has declared food from cloned
animals healthy for eating and that cloned animals are "virtually indistinguishable" from real livestock.
Thank goodness they gave this their stamp of approval, the same people who give killer prescription drugs their stamp of approval.
Yes, I'm feeling very trusting right about now.
I live with a family of lazy asses. Yesterday afternoon every damn one of them were "napping".
Like old people. Napping.
I was the only one awake, silently lip synching to my favorite songs so I wouldn't wake anyone up.
Ok, now I'm hooked on "Born to Be Alive" by Patrick Hernanadez. Just shoot me already.
Thursday, December 28, 2006
(Why do these kids keep buying me Roget's Thesaurus for Christmas?!
It never gets used beyond week #1, and I rarely make it past the "A's".)
You know it's long been my ardent desire to pass that do gooder Duggar in the kids department.
She has 16 kids and I have 16 kids. I heard that she's now pregnant with #17.
I went to the gynecologist yesterday and she told me....bear with me, it's heartbreaking....she told my vagina is "getting pale."
I screamed, "Oh yeah?! Well, yours ain't so rosy either, beootch!"
Then I realized what she was really saying.
Somehow, someway, some fucking where, I turned onto the
downhill highway that leads directly to Premenopauseopolis. Sure, the drive will last several years, but still.
There's no getting off of this damn highway! I just gotta keep driving, dodging pot
holes and road construction along the way until I read the dreaded village of Omygawdmylifeisoverville.
The gyne said, that at this point in time, I would still be able to get pregnant,
but my eggs tend to be more hard boiled, less dippy. So with this in mind, we've definitely decided not to have any more kids. Whaaaaaa!!!
Damn you, Duggar!!! What am I going to do now to fill up my time? Giving birth was a pastime for me.
Mr. G had his check up this morning, and he did well again. His hemoglobin only came down .2
but it puts him below 7.1 mark of his last check up to 6.9. Remember when we started this drastic eating program
in March of last year, his hemoglobin test was 10.4, which is horrible. His blood pressure is also down several points as is his cholesterol.
I think taking the Glucotor has really helped because I just don't think diet and exercise are enough.
I think the supplements and chromium, as well as some of the herbs like Fenugreek Seed and Momordica, make the difference in diabetes. But mostly Mr. G worked really hard at eating well, and I'm proud of him. It is NOT easy.
Speaking of supplements, kids, don't forget it's time to switch to cod liver oil.
Fish oil in the warm months, cod liver oil in the cold.
There's a huge drawback to proclaiming yourself a writer when it comes to Christmas.
Writer gifts suck. If you're a computer geek or an electronics geek, I imagine the
gifts are fabulous: ipods, flash drives, digital cameras galore. But for writer, not so fab.
Aside from the aforementioned Thesaurus, which I swear the kids give me
for every damn occasion, I get the Webster's Dictionary--wheeeee!--and for shits and giggles, they toss in "The Elements of Style".
Surely I've died and gone straight to Heaven? That would certainly explain the "Writer" baseball cap....sigh.
At least this beats the "Christmas of Chia Pets," in which all 16 of 'em gave me a Chia pet.
I had herbs coming out of my ass for weeks....in more ways than one.
I used my Christmas money to get the washer fixed. It is soooo nice not to have to beat those clothes on rocks anymore. That was getting old. Not to mention we're rapidly running out of rocks. Yesterday I had to beat my clothes on the cement block foundation of my neighbor's prefab.
My washer wouldn't fill with cold water, so I just used it on the hot water cycle. My water heater is on a timer, so the water
was cold most of the time anyway. Then the hot water option stopped working.
I went on the internet and decided that I probably had a bad fill valve.
The repair dude came promptly at 8 am and had the sucker fixed within a half hour.
I heard my husband saying, "Yeah, my wife got on the internet and she thinks we need a new fill valve."
I'm in the kitchen thinking, "Nooooo! Don't tell him that." The guy was probably thinking, "what nutjob goes online to figure out what's wrong with her appliances?" But alas it *was* the fill valve. Phew!
Happy Belated Birthday to Mike South, the best web pimp on the net.
(I'm only adding that last part cuz it's true and because I'm supposed to go to
Atlanta in January and I want him to take the damn lock off the fridge this time!!!)
I won't say how old Mike is, but I will say that with age comes wisdom.
Sadly in his case, age came alone....
OOHHHHHHH!! And I won BEST CHICK BLOG on Mike's site AGAIN!!! YAY!! Three years running.
I attribute the win to three things:
A. I'm gabby
2. I'm fairly certain Mike's afraid I'll cry and refuse to write for him if he doesn't give it to me
Oh, did I say three things? Cuz I meant two....
But I don't know if I like the term "chick blog." It makes it sound as if all I do is yak about my period. Speaking of which, I haven't gotten it yet. Due any day though. I can't wait. One more period=one more month I don't see the "You are entering Omygawdmylifeisoverville" sign.
Pamela Morgan, Director of the United Church of Religious Science--I embrace their philosophy of God--said
something interesting in her monthly letter. She said, "As 2007 draws near, many of us are making
remarks about the days moving so quickly and the years passing so fast. And there are those
who feel time is moving too slowly. For a lot of children, Christmas morning cannot come quick
enough. How could it be that all of us are experiencing the same amount of hours in a day,
the same amount of days in a year, and yet have different experiences?
As Religious Scientists, we hold a unique perspective on the passage of time, because
we know that it is only the human realm that changes. The great eternal truths remain the same.
God is the same today, yesterday and forever. These are the things I think upon in this season of light.
So as we welcome the advent of a New Year let us remember that the light of the Infinite is
always shining, sustaining each of us, in every moment and for eternity."
And so it is.
Sunday, December 24, 2006
My favorite Christmas songs this year are two new versions of old classics from Sarah McLachlan: "I'll Be Home For Christmas" and "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas."
She does a fabulous job with both songs.
Have you seen the new American Idol commercial? I can't stand the show, but the commercial is hilarious! (If only the show were half as fun...) It shows all the
players, Simon, Paula, Randy and the contestants as children. It's great.
I saw it for the first time during COPS last night.
Saturday, December 23, 2006
I don't know why, but the scene that sticks in my head the most is when the jingle bell flies through the air and the song "Santa Claus is Coming To Town" plays really slowly in the background. I love that scene.
Bugs sent me this sweet Christmas story, which was credited to someone else, but she thinks was really written by Jeff Foxworthy. Sounds like him...LOL!
As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his
fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill
them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true
because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were
overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.
One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and
went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those hings
I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've never been in an
X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an
hour saying things like, "What does this do?" "You're kidding me!" and
"Who would buy that?"
Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a
standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger
in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour. Finding
what I wanted was difficult. Love dolls come in many different models.
The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things
I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for "Lovable
Louise." She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a
"doll" took a huge leap of imagination.
On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to
life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee
morning hours, long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling
pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some
cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I
went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.
The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his
house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the
dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and
bark some more.
We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of
the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional
My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What
the hell is that?" she asked. My brother quickly explained, "It's a
doll." "Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped. I had
several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut. "Where are her
clothes?" Granny continued. "Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran,"
Jay said, trying to steer her into the dining room. But Granny was
relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?"
Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no
one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny!
My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me
and said, "Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?" I told him she
was Jay's friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel,
talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was
then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.
The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died,
who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a
noise that sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom in the morning.
Then she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and
fell in a heap in front of the sofa.
The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa
ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth to
mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his
pants and Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat
in the car.
It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember. Later in my
brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the
cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from
a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a
wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health.
Louise went on to star in several bachelor party movies.
I think Grandpa still calls her whenever he can get out of the house.
Friday, December 22, 2006
I was trying to explain to Female Offspring #3 the fine art of sending Christmas cards.
There are four levels of Christmas cards:
A. Personally bought at card store. This card goes to all the people
you're dying to impress, any crushes and your spouse. Not necessarily in that order, OF COURSE.
Let's put it this way: if you screwed (or wanted to screw) this person within the last year, they deserve a personally bought card.
B. Nice box of discounted high end card store cards bought at drug store.
This would be the box of Hallmark cards you got 50% off of at Rite Aid.
These cards go to friends you'd *like to* impress, but you won't get all bent out of shape if it
doesn't work; family you like and your landlord. Might help you stave off a future rent raise.
C. Huge $2 box of card from Dollar General. These cards go to family that you like but rarely see,
friends who didn't fit into the first two categories, dog walker and the mailman. But *only* if he leaves your packages by your front door.
D. Free cards from the Humane Society or the Heart Association. You send these cards to family you barely get along
with. In my case, my sister in law. I can't scratch her off the list totally or my mother would freak, so I send them a free card.
You should also send these cards to people you graduated high school with but haven't seen in 20+ years and the paperboy.
Now you guys can see why we spend so damn much time in the card aisle.
I went to my mother's last night, the first time since she and Mr. G had the big blow
out. Since we're not going down Christmas Eve, I wanted to take their gifts down.
Let me just say this, my mother is NOT a very forgiving person. I mean they argued weeks before Thanksgiving, for Pete's sake.
The problem is that my mother has no son-in-law who openly disagrees with her, except my husband.
The others are immune from years of exposure and lack of a spine.
Kinda like the antibiotic scenario--the more you use them, the less effective they are against germs.
The only time I felt my mother really appreciated us kids was when my sister died.
For a few short months, she was the loving, genuine mom I've always wanted.
But I realize people do the best they can. She admitted to me on several occasions that she kept having kids because of being Catholic and
because she felt she had no choice. Although I think it's absolutely ludicrous that the Church tells you how many kids to have, that
was her time and her choice. I guess it's just natural that she resents the fact that her life was just about raising kids.
Anywho, she was pissy with me the entire time I was there and I hated every blasted minute.
All sixty seven and a half of them.
The annoying thing is that when I avoid her for another month or so because of this behavior, she'll blame me for that and
the whole cycle starts all over again.
When there's trouble between Female Offspring #1` and myself, my mother is quick to point out that it's my fault.
When there's trouble between my mother and myself, again, she says it's my fault. Interesting how that works out.
Ain't life grand?!
I was reading (even more) about Rosie and The Donald's fighting, and I have to say that
while I agree with Rosie's notion that Miss USA should not have been given a second chance,
I don't agree with the way she carried on during her View segment.
(I'm not talking about the hair bit, of course. That was hilarious and dead on.)
Rosie reminds me a lot of Roseanne.
Both brilliant comediennes, but neither has much tact. Because they don't
act with much diplomacy, they come across as loud mouthed, pushy bitches.
But, at least, Rosie speaks proper English. Roseanne's
use (and when I say 'use' I mean 'mangling') of the English language is frightening at best.
Note to self: Cut back on the amount of money you spend on Overtime Hawg's gift next year.
This year I bought everyone a really nice "Brownies in a Jar" gift that was almost $10 per jar.
Not a whopping amount, but then again, I don't make a whopping amount.
Everybody I work with likes chocolate and sweets, so I thought it was a nifty gift.
If you've never seen them, they come in a glass jar, and you have all the dry ingredients you need
for a batch of brownies layered, then topped with a nice Christmas covering. I also included jingle bell ornaments
for everyone with their names painted on them.
Overtime Hawg gave me a jar of Avon cream that had obviously been regifted because
it didn't even come in a box. Avon stuff ALWAYS comes in boxes.
As a little something extra, she tossed in one of those free gifts you get when you order from Swiss Colony.
You know, the tiny sausage and a tiny cheese? Oooo, pinch me. I must be dreaming.
Yes, I KNOW it's the thought that counts and I THOUGHT she gave me a shitty gift. Pffft.
Gifts are important to me. And don't misunderstand me, I'm not talking about the cost of the gifts,
I'm talking about the thought behind the gift. Gifts that show you're paying attention to this person's likes and dislikes.
For instance, I rarely wear anything from Avon because their perfumes are too strong and smell too much like alcohol.
She would know this IF she paid attention because she sells AVON and I told her that when she gave me the book.
I like lotions and body creams but only if they have a fruity smell like melon or kiwi. Stuff like that.
I don't like Overtime Hawg any more than she likes me, I imagine, but I noticed enough to know that she likes chocolates and baked goods.
I came from a big family and my mother never
worked outside the home, so for Christmas we usually got one or two toys we wanted for ourselves
and then a big gift that us three younger girls shared. And of course, we'd get the lameass
underwear and bras disguised as gifts. Everyone falls prey to that nasty scheme.
On the other hand, my best gf was an only child. I'd go to her house at
Christmas and I'd be blown away by the stuff she'd get. I remember thinking, "Wow. If my parents
loved me, they'd buy me gifts like this." Which, of course, is totally skewed thinking, but hey, I was a kid.
Nonetheless, because of this experience I still tend to think, "if he/she liked me they'd buy me gifts." LOL.
Ok so I'm basically every bit as skewed now as I was as a kid. So sue me.
I've gotten over this feeling as far as my husband is concerned and it's a good thing, too.
He'd rather donate a kidney than shop for a gift for me, and we're not exchanging this year.
Well, let's put it this way, I'm giving him the gift of not having to buy me a gift.
My aunt was a notorious regifter, and she was so bad at it that she'd often leave the gift card
inside the box from the previous person. As kids, we thought that was just hilarious.
My mother used to get mad and I never realized till I was older that it was because my aunt was loaded with money and while my
mother would buy her something new, she'd give my mother something from the thrift
store or a regift. I always loved my aunt's gifts, though, because they were rather funky. She'd get us a
cool purse or hat and we'd just love it because it was different from the sort of stuff my mom
would buy. Most importantly, it was tailored to the things we liked. She was my aunt. She didn't have to buy me underwear.
And even though they came from the thrift store, the gifts were never given just so she
could say she gave us something, which is pretty much how I felt about O.H.'s gift.
Thursday, December 21, 2006
Tomorrow is World Orgasm Day so I spent last night 'practicing'. Took me several tries, but I think I know what I'm doing now.
The best things in the world, according to a poll taken by kids under the age of 10:
1. Being a Celebrity
2. Good Looks
3. Being Rich
4. Being Healthy
5. Pop Music
8. Nice Food
9. Watching Films
Poor God. He lost out to KFed, lasagne and Yentl...sigh.
At this stage of my life, I would rank the top five: God, health, family, being rich, friends.
Wednesday, December 20, 2006
If ANY business had a good financial year, it has be to the folks who manufactured those
damnable white lighted deer. NOW I'm seeing them on posts to make it look like they're flying
and there's a small sleigh attached. God forbid.
You just know next year there's either going to be presents or a damn Santa in that sleigh.
Speaking of reindeer, I'm watching one of my favorite Christmas movies, Prancer. I love the reindeer in this movie. I just think they're beautiful animals. I love the little girl in this movie. She's such a wide eyed dreamer.
from South's site that I've had eight days to read, THIS headline catches my eye:
"Dan Miller Named Editor-in-Chief of AVN Magazine". WHAAAA??
No offense to Dan Miller--whoever he is--but what about my sweetie possible stalkee Dan Davis?!
He could have whipped that magazine into shape and doggone it, looked good doing it!
If nothing else, I'm sure he would have fixed their nightmarish websites that aren't any easier to upload on high speed.
One thing that did sound good about Dan Miller is that he ALLEGEDLY told people
in the office to IM him if they have questions instead of coming to him directly.
Now if this is true--and I hope it is--Dan Miller is my kind of guy.
You do NOT want to have daily contact with the peon writers under you.
That is too much like fostering friendly relations and we cannot have that in the cut throat world of porn, people!
On second thought, maybe Dan Davis wasn't right for the job. Too friendly. Hell, he even IM'ed me, his potential stalker!
It's just wrong to be that friendly.
One thing that has been repeated several times in the media--and on the freaking Today Show,
which apparently has nothing else to report on today--is that Miss America's interview was "tearful". I beg to differ.
I heard a lot of 'pseudo sobbing' in her voice, but I didn't see any actual tears marring that make-up.
Again, just the cynic in me pointing this out. Personally I think she should have been
booted for the simple fact that she was drinking underage,
and there's a morals clause in her contract. Period. I loved the fact that after being so grateful for a second chance,
she turned right around and said she didn't think she had a drinking problem. The drinking was happening when she was
a minor. That's a problem.
After having to help write so many letters to Santa, I am going to impart all my wisdom
of such endeavors to you, my fellow parents, so you know when you're being played.
Kids always start their letters with "I love you." This is blatant ass kissing. How can they love Santa when they don't even know him?
They always end with "don't forget to wear your seatbelt, Santa," which really tugs at your heartstrings.
You end up feeling they actually care about your safety. They don't. They want to be sure their gifts aren't destroyed in a fiery crash.
If they're smart, they'll mention the snacks they'll be providing. Take gifts away from them if any snacks are fat free or sugar free.
For all the money we spend on them, those cookies should be loaded with butter and sugar.
They never fail to include the line, "I've been a very good girl/boy." Most are smart enough to only add one "very".
They know Santa's not an idiot. This is very much like the adult practice of padding your resume, by the way.
For the only time in their lives, most of them use the words "please" and "thank you" as in, "Would you please bring me.."
and "thank you so much for bringing me..." The clever kids know to never use the words "I want ..." or "Gimme ..."
You can tell if the child has been REALLY bad if he mentions a gift he/she would like Santa to bring for someone down on their luck. Uh huh.
If he/she was that generous of heart, they'd give their gifts to the poor tyke.
Ugh. My aunt is flying in for Christmas. Thank God I'm avoiding the family this year. Next week she will be drunk saying inappropriate things.
So different than the rest of the year when she's sober saying inappropriate things...
Remember the story Bugs sent us yesterday about the family who had
their Frosty vandalized? They had them on CNN today
and their small child saying, "It was terrible!" Yes, milk that story for all it's worth
and traumatize the kid as well! Merry Christmas!
Tuesday, December 19, 2006
Hey, I'd certainly require oral sex and a good hard boffing if *I* were in charge of the Mr. America contest!
Oddly enough, she retained her crown. One can only assume she's persuasive.
Interesting that he talked with her "for a pretty long time." LOL. I love Trump's opening lines:
"In the case of Tara, she made some very, very bad choices. Some foolish choices.
And she will readily admit she made mistakes. Some of those mistakes were bad mistakes. "
Oy vey. Yet another graduate of the George Bush School of Public Speaking.
I was listening to Family Feud today--can't help it, the boss watches it every day!
The question was: "give me a phrase with the word 'devil' in it." The guy immediately
says "The Devil in Miss Jones." LOL! *Somebody* knows his porn!
Everytime I see Beth Grant as Jimmy Hughes' mother on "Yes, Dear," I think of Overtime Hawg. She looks just like her. Right down to the rolled up hair. Unfortunately, I couldn't find a picture of her online in character.
Great. Just great. The lastest insurance crash test results are out and there are
two "small cars" that have THEE WORST crash ratings. Guess what one of them is? The Kia Rio. Sigh. Proof once again that Koreans DO NOT care about our safety!! That is so hard for me to believe.
And what is up with that lazy ass Time Magazine picking
us as "Person of the Year". Puhleeze. It must have been one hell of a slow year.
Monday, December 18, 2006
Bugs sent me the link to this 'true meaning of Christmas' story. Damn it, people, that's just wrong. HILARIOUS, but wrong nonetheless.
There was an article written by a doctor in yesterday's paper about eating healthy over the Christmas season called "Party on Smartly."
One suggestion was to "refill your blood mary's without the vodka and the Coke without the rum."
Whoopee. How in the world does the good doctor expect us to deal
with annoying family members and the stinging disappointment of another year without our Chrissy doll
without the sweet, numbing effect of al-co-hol?
Another suggestion was: "don't trim your tree with anything that looks like food."
Ok, that's a bunch of crap. We make ornaments out of gingerbread, pet food and those little cocktail weineys every year.
Sure I have to yell at the kids for eating the ornaments, and leaving the gingerbread men looking like amputees,
but on the upside, I don't have to cook much during the holidays either.
If they get hungry, I just give them an ornament to munch on. They seem to like the ornaments made out of cat food the best.
Male Offspring #7 is a tad angry with me this morning. He was late in finishing his "wish list"--as in
God, I wish Mom would buy this crap for me--so last night he handed me a copy of the
Toys R Us paper and showed me what he wanted. It was a $119 Sound City Railway Train Table
set from Imaginarium. I said, "Here's twenty bucks, but feel free to imagine yourself with a much more expensive gift."
The local radio station did something a radio station should NEVER do: they had kids call in and talk to Santa.
Anybody with a lick of sense knows that kids and phones mix about as well as kids and magic markers.
The average child sounds like this on the phone, "Santa, I want a mgryzdtuzmnt." You can never understand 'em.
Of course, you could tell instantly when Santa had *no idea* what the child was asking
for because he'd say things like, "Ohh, that sounds nice," or "Oooh, that's a great gift." The kid
could have been asking for a propane torch for all we know, and Santa's sitting there telling him what a great gift it is.
Last night when we were walking, we saw Santa riding around the neighborhood.
I can remember this tradition from when I was a little tyke. We'd hear the music and
all go running outside to wave. At which point, Mom would lock all the doors and we'd be stuck outside for hours. Every once in a while she'd yell, "You keep watching, I'm sure Santa is coming back again."
Santa rides all around the streets of the township, waving and ho ho ho'ing from the back of the fire truck. They put a spotlight on him and play Christmas music through speakers. It's all very 50's and very cool. I loved seeing Santa. Holly, on the other hand, was apparently recalling that "Santa's gonna take your bone" incident at Petco and she went ballistic, straining at her leash. Poor dog was obviously afraid. Or hellbent on revenge. We did, however, finish our walk in record time.
Sunday, December 17, 2006
may the wind always be at your back and may many hott guys beat a
path to your door...at which point you have no excuse for not snapping their pic with your new camera.
Comment made while discussing a possible upcoming tell all book from KFed about his former wife on "The Soup",
"Britney's gonna be pissed when somebody reads that book to her."
I had a *lovely* day out with the offspring planned for Saturday. We planned to go shopping
so they could finish buying their presents for their respective dads and then we came home
and had a "wrap party". After the party, we took the gifts to the post office so they could be
mailed to the appropriate correction facilities and we went to have their pictures taken with Santa and eight *LIVE* reindeer.
This was on a small farm, and the reindeer were kept in a fenced in area until it was time for each child to get their pic taken.
While we were standing in line some lady's undisciplined brats decided it would be
really funny to spook Santa's reindeer, at which point they broke through the fence and ran for cover.
We tried this picture thing last year and that same brat thought it would be really funny to give the reindeer some Hubba Bubba bubblegum.
Word of caution: reindeer and Hubba Bubba don't mix. And NO, they don't fare any better with Bubblicious.
During the pandemonium this year, one woman turned to me and said, "Why don't they
leave that trouble maker at home?" I said, "Because I couldn't get a babysitter for him, damn it!"
Then I decided to forget the kid's pictures and take the dog to Petco to get her picture taken with Santa.
The dogs sat next to Santa, and when he reached down to pat their sweet little heads,
the photog, who couldn't have gotten a shittier gig if he tried, snapped the pic.
The first problem with this idea is thinking dogs will sit still. The second problem
is restraining the dogs from using Santa as a fire hydrant.
And the final problem with this lovely little scenario is a strange man touching strange dogs.
I took two of the offspring with me so they could sit in the backseat of the Rio with Holly because Holly in the front seat with me = disaster.
We took a set of reindeer ears and a big red bow with us because the thought of torturing this dog
and capturing it on film was just too fun to pass up. Especially since I found three more of my socks chewed up Friday night.
Alas, she chewed up the reindeer ears and the bow in the car. Big shocker there.
When it was our turn, Holly began sniffing Santa frantically cuz there was a whoooole lotta peeing going on before she got there.
We finally coaxed her into a seated position and just as Santa was about to reach down and pet her,
Male Offspring #3 rolled one of her favorite bones near Santa's feet and yelled, "Santa's gonna take your bone!"
the phrase that immediately caused Holly to crouch over her bone, growling and snarling.
To make a long story short, I think if he rests and keeps his weight off of them, Santa will have use of those toes back in no time.
I had to laugh when I saw a snippet of Rosie O'Donnell talking to Barbara Walters on The View.
They were discussing parties and *I think* place settings, and Rosie said something like, "You know who does that? Rich people."
as if to imply she *isn't* rich people. Oprah does this all the time, too, and it's a joke. She'll say
to someone, "What's it like having all that money?" and I always have to
commend the celebs with enough balls to say, "You ought to know."
Saturday, December 16, 2006
Mr. G called me at work yesterday afternoon to tell me that the plastic guard on the
freezer door shelf had broken and a bag of frozen grapes came spilling out.
[Yes, these are the breathlessly exciting kinds of calls I get from my sweetie pie.]
I said, "Oh, shit. I just scrubbed that floor last night."
He said, "Don't worry. I got it all cleaned up."
(This is what I usually refer to as 'famous last words'.)
I walked into the kitchen last night, took one step onto the linoleum and my entire foot stuck to the floor.
Took me right back to good old days of porno theaters....
So was I angry about the mess? Good gosh, who wouldn't be?
Did I rant and rave about it? Well, golly wouldn't it try the patience of a saint?
Could I possibly--sorry. Apparently Donald Rumsfeld has influenced me more than I thought.
I had to zip into the grocery store before work this morning and when I was in the paper products aisle,
I noticed this on the side of a package of double roll toilet paper: "12 double rolls = 24 single rolls"
So now I must ask: are we so damn dumb in this country that we can't figure this out for ourselves?!
I saw an ad for the Kenny Rogers holiday tour, and I have a question: can you legitimately bill your spouse as a "special guest star"? Probably for tax write-off purposes...
Friday, December 15, 2006
Here's hoping this unnatural condition comes to a speedy end.
"Rudolph, your problem is you're decking halls with holly you don't have."
Jon Stewart imitating Dr. Phil, after showing him at the White House for a Christmas ceremony
Our tax dollars at work.
Damn it. That dog leads a more exciting life than I do.
The Barney Cam made jackasses out of the folks at the
White House as it was, but when the folks at the Daily Show added to it, it was hilarious.
I can't find it on the web, but it's running on today's show.
The new fridge at work is driving me nuts. The boss got one of those ice crushers with it
and it's not until you see one some appliances in action that you know what to look for if you
want one for yourself. The first thing I noticed is that there is NOT a drainage tray under the ice/water
dispensing thingy, just a small removable tray. It might seem like a small thing, but it means you
have to clean up any spilled water or ice chips, of which there is plenty. And speaking of ice chips, the second
thing I noticed is ice flying all over the damn floor when you use the "chip" feature.
The whole section is not set into the door far enough so any overflow goes
right down the front of the door or onto the floor. I've even tried shielding the top of the glass
with my hand as it's filling, but it doesn't help much. It's always lovely when an appliance creates more work.
They showed pics of the growing baby Panda from the Atlanta Zoo this morning on CNN. She is so sweet.
It's hard to believe that cute fuzzy little butterball will turn into a dangerous animal.
Thursday, December 14, 2006
I don't want to refuse to change days when someone is genuinely sick, and since we're heading into
cold/flu season and I might need to switch, I agreed. The dipshit fucker called me at work a few minutes
ago and said, "I don't feel too bad. I really could have worked today."
Wonderful. See how far you get the *next* time you pull the "I'm sick" routine on me.
The repeat of COPS that I watched was one that made absolutely no sense. A cop
stops a car with two chicks and a guy. The guy is driving and he says he "thinks" the car
belongs to his niece and he "thinks" her name is Blah Blah. A few minutes later when the cop asks for his ID,
he casually mentions, "That's my niece in the backseat." A female cop comes along and says to the
chick in the back, "Are you related to him?" She says, "No," and then "He's my uncle."
The cop says, "So you *are* related to him?" And the chick says, "Yes, I didn't understand your question."
THEN the driver says, "I'm not going to lie, she's not my niece. She's really my wife." What a bunch of doofuses.
I always like it when they say "I'm not going to lie" right after they've lied.
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
The big, loose curls looks good on her, but straight hair with flipped up ends does nothing.
I keep hearing that Barack Obama might run for President and all I'm gonna say is that
IF he does run, I *hope* the female voters choose him based on where he stands on the ISSUES and nothing else.
The world *is* nuckin' futs!
I LOVE his sense of humor! Damn. Remember I mentioned that Stephen Colbert's word "truthiness" was the Word of the Year?
He was ticked because he purchased a new dictionary and his word wasn't included. So he published this NEW page for the Webster's
Dictionary and he urged people to print it out and simply glue it over the existing page in the dictionary. He also urged people to NOT do it at their school and/or
public libraries. LOL....you just *know* some jackasses will.
Actor Peter Boyle has died. Most people will probably remember
him as the dad on Everybody Loves Raymond.
Monday, December 11, 2006
School administrators gave a 4-year-old student an in-school suspension for inappropriately touching a teacher's aide after the pre-kindergartner hugged the woman. A letter from La Vega school district administrators to the student's parents said that the boy was involved in "inappropriate physical behavior interpreted as sexual contact and/or sexual harassment" after he hugged the woman and he "rubbed his face in the chest of (the) female employee" on Nov. 10.
DaMarcus Blackwell, the father of the boy who attends La Vega Primary School, said he filed a complaint with the district. He said that his son doesn't understand why he was punished. "When I got that letter, my world flipped," Blackwell said in a story in Sunday's editions of the Waco Tribune-Herald. La Vega school district officials said student privacy laws prevented them from commenting.
After Blackwell filed a complaint, a subsequent letter from the district said the offense had been changed to "inappropriate physical contact" and removed references of sexual contact or sexual harassment from the boy's file.Administrators said the district's student handbook contains no specific guidelines referring to contact between teachers and students but does state that inappropriate physical contact will result in a discipline referral. The La Vega school district, which has five schools, covers about 30 miles around Waco.
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans
to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all
day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late,
but he made no comment on it.
Conversation wasn't lowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he
didn't say much.
I asked him what was wrong; he said, Nothing." I asked
him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that
it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home,
I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving.
I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, "I love you,
When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if
he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there
quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally,
with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed.
About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we
made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts
were somewhere else.
He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to
do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.
My life is a disaster.
Missed a big deer today, but at least I got laid.
"Once upon a time there was a goddess and a hunter.
She was beautiful and he couldn’t help himself.
There wasn’t a single part of her that he didn’t want to touch.
She was leaving soon on a goddess world tour
So he did something crazy and they lived happily ever after."
The "something crazy" the hunter did? He shot her in the back with an arrow, felling her like so much venison.
Yayaya, I know it was a "magic love" arrow, come on, the hysterically funny/ironic thing is the twit that shoots her in the back is K Fed.
FYI, advertising folks, if you want people to sucker for all of this love and fantasy stuff,
it would have been smart to re-shoot the commercial using a male model. One that doesn't look like a greasy haired bum.
Well, it was bound to happen sooner or later. Dan Davis said I'm a lousy stalker.
Holy shit. I haven't even STARTED yet, and already I'm lousy!
But I've been thinking about this, and here's the deal: I blame Dan.
I started stalking South after I saw vids of him
having sex, so Dan is just going to have to pony up a DVD of his "greatest hits,"
if you know what I mean. A gal needs something to...umm..."work" with.
Ok, go to this site, and watch the intro to Dirt. Then tell me what kind of
work Courteney Cox has had because she doesn't even look the same anymore.
To me it looks like she's had lipo to her face, work on her jaw and neck,
and there's a whooole lotta airbrushing goin' on. She's looks much better than she did towards the end of Friends.
I got the sweetest Christmas card this week from Da Buglet aka Bugs' Male Offspring #1.
He drew me a picture of a Christmas tree and lots of presents that hopefully he's planning to send me.
I put the card on my fridge, right next to a Christmas card that my Male Offspring #7 drew for me in kinneygarden last week.
It shows me on the roof hanging Christmas lights. Then he wrote the words, "DIE!! DIE!! DIE!!" then
it shows me falling off of the roof and laying on the ground with my severed head several feet away from my body.
Then he wrote the words "AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT!!"
I have no idea what he's trying to say there but he drew a really THIN version of me, so it's a keeper! It's going right into my Brag Book!
I was in the yard the other day walking Holly and two Jehovah witness chicks stopped to talk to me.
They haven't been back since I made that crack a summer or two ago, about Jesus catching fly balls.
I honestly thought that maybe they weren't doing this part of the ministry anymore,
because I never see them in any of the local neighborhoods anymore. But maybe they've just given up on me and my bad neighbors.
The one lady says, "We have something for you," and she started walking towards me.
Holly stepped forward and started to growl under her breath. Hey, ever since the kids
took her to church to get baptized, Holly has been a staunch Catholic!
Then I heard the other lady say, "Oh, my. Maybe we better come back some other time." Yeah, maybe.
Sunday, December 10, 2006
Yay! I'm stoked! Guess what the "word of the year" is? TRUTHINESS!!!
And guess who coined that word? Why none other than sexy, hottie STEPHEN COLBERT!!
Words are much easier to learn when their creator is a stud.
(Ok, I just made that up....but only because it's true!)
Now if I can just get those dictionary people to recognize MY word: "fakeabetize," which recognizes the practice of making up your own damn words!
I was walking into Wally World at 6:30 this morning--once again NO GREETING FROM THE DAMN GREETER!!
How hard is it to say "good freaking morning" when you get PAID to say "good freaking morning"?! Sigh.
I got up bright and early to do my shopping so I could avoid women with screaming,
unruly kids--like mine--and because I knew none of my offspring would be awake that early.
[Apparently their internal clocks don't have any A.M. hours on them.]
I spent a lovely $135 in less than a half hour, and I picked up
some lovely thermal mu-mus. Who knew they came in thermal?!
I also picked up a Christmas deputy/sheriff cowboy romance novel. The only
thing better than a Christmas cowboy romance novel is a Christmas lawman/cowboy romance novel.
Speaking of shopping, I need to know if I'm the only one who does this. Ladies, when you
buy a new hat or coat or boots that you're particularly fond of, do you wear them in the
house the day you get them? I bought one of those cool soft black hats for winter
and I've been wearing it all day. Now here's the strange part: all Mr. G said was, "Nice hat" like it's not the least bit
unusual to see a woman wearing a winter hat on a 50° day.
When Mr. G gave me my faux fur winter coat a few years back, I was so
enamoured with it that I wore it inside Christmas Eve AND Christmas Day. Does anybody else do this?
Everytime I see a celeb on a talk show wearing a leather jacket, I think, "I'll bet they just got that new and can't take it off..."
On this page, hands down my favorite is #13. How in God's name they get all that crap up on the roof is beyond me! Mr. G said, "What happens if they get high winds?" I said, "Well, if you're anywhere near their yard, you'll run like hell...."
I must forward these links to Female Offspring #1. When she was little, her favorite phrase during the Christmas season was, "Yites! Is there more?" She'll find plenty here....ugh.
Saturday, December 09, 2006
Christmas in the 50's. It's from Green Hill, and they also put out my other
favorite instrumental Christmas CD, Sam Levine's Christmas Sax.
I luuuuuuuuuuuve's me some great sax!
I think your mothering skills have got to be pretty damn sad for Courtney Love to say you need to stay home more.
But that is exactly the advice she gave Britney Spears this week.
Bette Midler referred to Spears as "wild and wooly," but after seeing all those cooch shots, I think we all know "wooly" is the last thing Brit is.
Brit's "explanation" as to her latest antics is what's funny. According to
her website, "it's been so long since I've been out on the town with friends,"--yeah that would explain the no underwear thing--and
she "probably" took her new found freedom "a little too far." What did she expect hanging with Paris Hilton?
You hang with skanks, ya end up smelling like skank.
I watched Polar Express last night. I'm amazed that Hollywood can take a 32 page book,
which includes full pages, and turn it into a 2 hour movie. And that's part of the problem.
I like the idea of the movie, it was a very cool plot. And I'll bet it was FABULOUS to see on a widescreeen.
But the singing and the obviously installed Hollywood drama make it lag, and the message of the story is in danger of being lost when it drags on and on.
I do like movies that are computer generated like this. It's amazing how much the characters look like real people.
And my stomach dipped the way it does when I'm seeing roller coasters when the train went into Glacier Gultch.
My favorite part was where the little boy couldn't see Santa until he admitted he believed and at the end where his parents could no longer hear the bell. This is a movie I'll definitely watch again.
Wow. Thursday night was the FIRST TIME EVER since we've been married--which you know
has been since Jebus was in Pampers--that Mr. G went to bed without watching the entire Steeler game.
In the past, even if he had to be up at 2 A.M., he'd hang in there till midnight to finish watching the game.
The fact that they won the last two games in which they played two rookie quarterbacks probably isn't a coincidence.
It was lo some 25 years ago (yikes!) that my firstborn made her appearance on this very day.
It was snowy and blowy, and I still remember as if it were yesterday the exact moment the doctor
laid her on my chest and she stared up at me like "Huh? Nine months in that cramped
space and this is the mother I get?! Put me back in and let's try this all over again!"
I remember that she only cried a little bit when she was born, and when
they put her in the basinette, she laid there looking all around, checking out the joint.
I was watching NewsRadio yesterday and it was the episode where Bill is spokesman for a cheap whiskey that's targeted towards blacks.
Catherine is horrified that he's even the spokesman and is angry by his slang filled
advertising spots, so she agrees to help him jazz up the spots with better slang. She tells him his
latest spots are "illsnidiotic" and need more "shazizzle," which I thought was hilarious.
Another ep this week that was a riot was the one featuring Jon Stewart as Andy Dick's "identical" twin brother.
If you know what they both look like you'll know why that's so funny, but not nearly as funny as
the brothers trying to play tricks on their co-workers by trying to pass themselves off as the other.
They'd switch places then say, "Look, guys, it's me, Matthew.....or IS it?"
Wow. This Alzheimer's thing is really scary. A friend of Mr. G told him that his wife is now
in a home because her Alzheimer's has gotten so bad, he can't take care of her anymore.
She's had it for five years and is only FIFTY FOUR. Now that's frightening.
I know I'm always bagging on my Kia, but Mr. G put studded tires on all four wheels this year
and my little Rio put other cars to shame Thursday during the "big snow."
We only got about two inches of snow yesterday, but it rained briefly beforehand,
and instead of leaving those couple inches ON the road for traction, the idiot plowguys--not to be
confused with the hott plowguy on Men in Trees--removed the snow, leaving a sheet of ice exposed to drivers.
I'm thinking now that he's "semi-retired" Mr. G's priest has a tad too much time on his hands.
Along with his Christmas card, he sent everyone in the parish photocopied articles about himself.
Then he enclosed a letter to us saying that we were "special" and "treasures"
and that he was thinking of us, even though he was "semi-retired".
I said to Mr. G, "You know, this would really mean a lot...if it wasn't photocopied, too."
Then I said, "Hey, I have an idea. When we send him a card, let's include a
photocopy of that article of you holding the big cucumber when you were 15..."
I like the commercial for AB Lounge where the guy announcing their $1 shipping promotion says, "You can
get a greasy hamburger for $1. OR you can get the secret to great abs." Wooo hooo! I'm off to get a
greasy hamburger, and it's only costing me a buck!!
Friday, December 08, 2006
If you have more than one blog, the profile for both of them is the same. So while I have "you must be 18 years old or older to read my blog" on my Blonde Intuition blog--because you know how I sometimes like to yak about sex--that doesn't mean I expect people to be 18 or older to look at pics of Hott Cops. I think there should be a separate little blurb for each blog.
UPDATE: well, damn it. Blogger says you CAN put a separate profile for each blog IF you move them, but I like the fact that I can update both from the same dashboard. It also says I can add by finding the tag
<$BlogMemberProfile$> but all it does is add to the existing profile. I want a completely different one.
your entries rather than skim them, for they really are funny. I don't know why I'm always in a rush and skimming..."
Thank you. Thank you.
Female Offspring #7 was a smash hit as SnowFlake #32! She stayed the course and didn't melt.
Although at one point, the fake snow she was standing in turned yellow around her feet, if ya know what I mean.
I've been listening to my favorite ballet all day long.
My favorite ballet? The "Nutcracker," of course.
If my boss mentions one more time that she thinks former
Secretary of State James Baker is a "very attractive man," I'm gonna be ill. I like older men, but not that old.
My gf and I were discussing possible Christmas gifts for the kids.
She said she was going to buy her son the Fisher Price Baby gymnastics thingy.
I said, "For Pete's sake. It's snowing outside.
Give that kid a shovel and let him have at it. That's all the 'gymnastics' he needs."
Then she suggested the Fisher Price Baby Grand Piano. Wrong. You never want to start something you can't finish.
If you can't afferd pi-ano lessons later in life, don't get them started with instruments when they're little. They'll only use it
to remind you of what a failure you are at being a parent.
Concerning the singer who holds the record for having his Christmas songs played
the most often, Bugs guessed, "Nat King Cole, Elvis Presley, Jesus, and Handel (of Messiah fame)."
No, no, no and No. Now I expected her to get this right cuz she reads all those
bathroom trivia books. That's trivia books for your bathroom. Not trivia books about bathrooms.
THEN she guessed: Dr. Elmo of Grandma/Reindeer fame, Tchaikovsky (the Nutcracker guy), Bing Crosby.
Again, nope, nope, nope. Then she asked for a hint since she already figured out she'd be the only person guessing, ya lazy asses.
The answer is Johnny Mathis.
WW's always talking about how she likes tattoos, and I never really paid much attention to them before.
I decided that I liked the colored ones over
the black ones, and that was about all the thought I put into it. BUT after seeing lots of guys
with those tats on the side of their neck, I have to say I find that INCREDIBLY SEXY!
Hell, I don't even know why. I just do.
I just remembered the movie we were going to see at the drive-in when the cop stopped Dad was one of
the McHale's Navy movies. Yep, dad was a huge fan of the show and we watched it every week.
You just *know* Stephen Colbert is going to end up with a Tek Jansen cartoon on Comedy Central....
In the past, when I heard good reviews for a show or movie and I hadn't seen it, I felt bad that I missed a good show.
I've been hearing and reading all these great reviews for TBS' new show "My Boys"
and now I'm wondering if I saw the same mediocre show they're talking about. Or is TBS that hard up for a hit?
I was listening to a Bare Minerals presentation on QVC yesterday and the chick said, "We're deferring
payments until March '07 for everything you buy today. That's right. You don't have to make a payment for 6 months."
Really? March is 6 months away?
Damn. I never realized how much my posts read like Larry King's horrible
drivel filled stream of consciousness columns that ran in the USA Today...
Wednesday, December 06, 2006
I love this parody for the Lunesta commercial with Will Farrell.
Which singer holds the record for having his Christmas songs played the most often?
I would have bet money it was Andy Williams, but I would have lost. Take a guess.
We'll be attending a Christmas play tonight in which Female Offspring #7 has a very
important role: SnowFlake #32. This is NOT to be confused with SnowFlakes #'s 1-31 or #'s 33-50!!
She has been practicing her "standing without melting" routine for weeks now. I think we *finally* have it down pat.
I discovered TBS is running eps of NewsRadio. I watched two yesterday,
and I realized that I had forgotten
just how brilliantly funny and sarcastic Phil Hartman's portrayal of Bill McNeil was.
He was such an excellent actor.
Perception, people. It's all about perception.
The other day Mr. G was watching TV and he yelled , "That's disgusting! Have you seen that commercial for Charlotte's Web
where the rat is in the cotton candy machine?"
I said, "Yeah! Didn't that cotton candy look DELISH?!"
Mr. G and I were on our nightly walk--well, it's more like our nightly "getting pulled
around the block by the dog"--and I was sickened by what I saw.
Remember how I said that someone had those damn white lighted deer on sale?
I found out it was Dollar General. They were selling the deer for ten BUCKS. Bwahahahaha. Couldn't resist.
Now, as IF the Mama Deer and Daddy Deer weren't bad enough, last night I spied A FUCKING FAWN nestled on the ground between them!!!
What's next? Deer aunts and uncles?! Deer Grandmas and Grandpas?!
I don't know the names of the man and woman in the Burlington Coat Factory
commercial, but I have to say,
they have THEE WORST phony Italian accents I've ever heard.
Yes, I mean you, Marcello and Sophia. UGH.
what my offspring needed most was stability and family tradition. So for the last five years I have made chopping
down the Christmas tree a family event.
Until last year.
Hey, how was I to know it's illegal to sneak into your neighbor's yard at 3 a.m. and chop down their Evergreen trees?
What the hell are they growing them for? The wood?
So this year we were forced to come up with a new tradition.
There we were last night in the tree department of Dollar General, minding our own business, trying to chop down
our fiber optic tree when the twit of a salesclerk called the cops on us. We ran out of the store dragging our axe and tree.
Female Offspring #6 started bawling.
I said, "Look, the Christmas tradition of stealing and running is still intact! What are you crying about?!"
She said, "Mom! Tradition isn't supposed to be a crime!"
I saw an ad for Humana Gold medical coverage.
The dude said, "if you wait long enough, good things will happen."
Hell, I thought that was Metamucil's slogan?
Female Offspring #5's dad called her collect from prison yesterday. She got off the phone and
said, "Mom, what does it mean when someone says 'the true spirit of Christmas is in your heart'?"
I said, "For most people, it means that Christmas is about love.
In your case, it means your dad spent your Christmas gift money on his cigarettes."
I was checking the TV Guide channel yesterday and I noticed that they
were going to transform an ordinary chick into Nicole Richie on their makeover show.
Ok first up, get your weight down to 68 pounds...
Jay sends this interesting link and suggested I might want to come up with my own list. More often than not, I don't
know the names of the songs I dislike, but I'm gonna think about it. I *do* know what singer should be right up there near the top,
it not at the top of the 2006 crappiest singer list: Brooke "Secretly I Think I'm Black" Hogan.
BTW, Bill Lamb is *definitely* right about James Blunt's voice being acceptable only in small doses.
I can't help but be creeped out when I turn on HSN and see that one bath and
body business dude doing presentations with his mommy all the time.
I guess they're in business together, but geez it reeks of "mommy's boy" because he's in his 30's at least.
I had a great laugh with my sister last night when she reminded me of the time we went to the drive-in with Dad and he was stopped
by the police. I kept meaning to write about this and I just plain never got to it.
I was about 7, my sister would have been 9, and my brother was 101/2ish.
Dad took the three of us to a drive-in one night, aka "stopped us from jerking my mother's last nerve".
My dad was strict, big and LOUD, and if he said, "jump!" we'd say, "was that high enough?"
He was also very adament that we be polite and well behaved in front of strangers.
Sure, we know that *now*. Too bad we didn't know it *then*.
We were all riding in the back seat on the way to the movie when the officer came up behind us.
The first thing my dad did after he pulled over to the side of the road, was turn around and "suggest" we behave.
"Don't say ONE WORD." Then he pointed at each one of us as he spoke, "NOT. ONE. WORD."
His bulging eyes and the vein throbbing on the side of his forehead were indicators that it wasn't time to smart off.
Hell, he was so worked up , you'd think we were sitting on bags of cocaine.
We were terrified enough to see the police car behind us because Mom used to scare us with threats of calling the police.
Yes, my mother was one of those nut jobs who would yell, "Behave or I'm calling the police!
They'll throw you ALL in jail! And you'll never come home."
Sometimes that didn't seem like such a bad deal.
"I am reaching for the phone! I am dialing the numbers!"
You know it's a wonder I even *like* the police.
So there we are sitting in the back seat, all three of us mirroring the deer in the headlights look.
The pupils of our eyes were wide and dilated, like we were riding a caffiene buzz.
Our mouths were hanging open, and I'm fairly certain we looked like we weren't smart enough to get into Special Ed.
The cop was leaning into the driver's window talking to my dad, and
he flashed his flashlight into the back seat, as they usually do, saw us and said a calm, "Hey, kids."
We screamed bloody murder. And then my dad screamed at us. Then we screamed even more.
Thinking back on this, it was hysterical.
But we never did get to the drive in because in all the screaming someone pissed their pedal pushers.
Monday, December 04, 2006
Apparently had she not been bingo-ing, she would have been available for him to molest her.
Evidently bingo is the root of all evil.
An Arizona grandma was arrested for selling pot to support her bingo habit.
I was watching Worlds Wildest Police Vids this morning. It's bad enough listening to Bunnell's b.s., but
sometimes Captain Jensen comes up with some beauts, too. Some of my favorites
were "This is real time. This is the real thing" during a high speed chase. Are we so stupid we can't figure that out?
Another comment had me rolling my eyes was "paranoia, in and of itself, is not a felony."
Well, there's something none of us knew.
The offspring gave me a hell of a time at the mall yesterday, yelling and screaming about what they wanted for Christmas.
I made them come home and write an essay on the true meaning of Christmas.
Now that I've read through all of them, I can honestly say that the true meaning of Christmas
as far as my offspring are concerned is gifts, gifts and more gifts. Where, oh
where did I go wrong? I've tried to teach them that Christmas is about Christ and love and--oh! before I forget, I saw my diamond ring ON SALE!!
It is MINE! Ok, what was I yakking about again now? Eh, whatever. It probably wasn't as important as my ring news.
I love that new song by The Killers, When You Were Young.
"He doesn't look a thing like Jesus
But he talks like a gentleman
Like you imagined when you were young"
I was suffering through Santa Junior on Sunday and one of the scenes had me laughing.
Santa Jr. had a bag of "magic dust" and while the police were advancing on him with guns drawn,
he reaches into his Santa coat and tosses out some dust. Ok, if that had been filmed on COPS, he'd be one dead Santa.
Everybody knows you don't reach into a pocket when the cops have weapons pointed at you, unless you have a death wish.
Holy cow. I was watching Sandra Lee yesterday and she was making meatballs. She tossed in a bag of store
bought meat balls, then added a jar of orange marmalade and some catalina salad dressing. UGH.
It's like her recipes are thrown together by first graders. I was just shocked she didn't top them all with a bag of shredded cheese...
Yikes. Someone found my page by following a Google link on page 29 of their search!
Holy shit, Batman. If I can't find the answer by page two, I'm outta there.
Sunday, December 03, 2006
Dear Santa, please bring me *fill in the blank*
from the audience, and there may be a cash settlement involved.
Oh, money, how quickly everyone is to forget their outrage and emotional pain when ye is involved.
I was watching TV Land's Christmas memories show and they showed some of my favorite Christmas show when
I was a kid: the Andy Williams Christmas Special. I LURVED his ex Claudine Longet. The whole French thing got to me.
For days after the show aired, I'd walk around talking with a French accent. I wanted to be Claudine. And Diana Ross.
And both of the Supremes. And Stephanie Powers as the Girl from U.N.C.L.E.
(BTW, what the hell kind of name is "April Dancer" for a rough, tough female spy?! They didn't call James Bond, "Woody Stud".)
But I digress. I would wait excitedly
for just a glimpse of Claudine, to see what she was wearing and how she had her hair styled.
Damn. This is starting to sound like I wanted to DO her! Well, I guess if the opportunity arose...
She always talked and laughed so sweetly and quietly. Who knew that beneath
that gentle persona beat the heart of a jealous maniac?
Saturday, December 02, 2006
switch days with her cuz I'm not doing it. She's denser than a fog over the San Fran Bay.
She called me yesterday and asked me to switch because her grandson is in a play, blah blah blah.
Well, isn't that special? Awww, too bad I'm not going to be home that weekend. The funny thing is that Boss #2
told me she originally asked Boss #1 to ask me, and she said, "Ask her yourself, but she won't do it." LOL! And yet she asked me anyway.
Denser than a bowl of my vegetable soup.
We got a new refrigerator at work yesterday, and I don't know, it must be a woman thing, but by
afternoon everyone of the chicks I work with called me to ask me how the new fridge was. Who cares?
It was all I could do not to reply with a sarcastic "it's white with shelves, what more do you need to know?" Eh, maybe
I'm just pissy because I got stuck cleaning the old one one out and restocking the new one but
appliances just don't get my motor running, ya know? They're a necessity and little else to me.
I guess I'm not thrilled either about the fact that the boss has her Christmas decorations all piled up for MOI to put out. I got stuck with this shit last year.
I said, "Maybe NightTimeChick will do it while she's here in the evening." The boss said, "Oh, no, she doesn't like to do that sort of stuff."
Yeah, because that "stuff" is WORK.
I was watching some of that USA show about how different people celebrate
Christmas called The Great American Christmas. I think the two gay dudes, Drew and Ted, were
trying way too hard. They were painful to watch. You should NEVER bring a gay lover home to a
family that is not accepting at Christmas time. The holidays are stressful enough without
throwing that into the mix. The gay dude's brother Bobby didn't even want to meet his brother's lover but he finally
gave in and called them to his house. They stood on the front step for about five minutes exchanging stiff "pleasantries" and then they left. Bobby showed up at his parents house to join the family on Christmas Day and in typical "happy ending" fashion, the narrator says, "Even though Bobby had only driven a few miles, he'd come a long way." Yeah, right. The dude couldn't even LOOK at his brother's S.O.
And I had to laugh at the Schullers giving
someone a Bible for Christmas. A minister giving Bibles as gifts. How original. The kids probably all get Jebus lunchboxes.
Friday, December 01, 2006
"You can't give paper clips to a baby. He might swallow them."
"That's ok. I have tons of them."
From "The Office"
You know what I love about Gene Autry's version of "Here Comes Santa Claus"?
He calls him "Sanny Claus."
I love these Christmas movies where they go up into the attic and pull out lights from
years ago and they all work perfectly. Hell, mine don't work from last week when I put them out new!
There was a segment on CNN this morning about Starbucks using cups that were made of 10% recycled products.
They showed several different people drinking the coffee, but my favorite shot was of a chick drinking it.
They started the camera at her neckline, then zoomed in on her over abundant and over exposed tits,
then panned down to the table to focus on the cup. Great camera work, guys. We really got a "feel" for the story.
I know that the Marines have Toys for Tots and I know that several churches in our area
have shoebox donations where they accept shoeboxes filled with toys for poor children in Africa.
I've also heard of people sending packages to servicemen and women overseas, but I've decided
to prepare my own care package for a person desperately in need this Christmas season.
I'm sending Britney Spears a box full of panties because she
has been seen all around Hollywood without underwear.
It's apparent she can't afford them what with her cigarette habit and all.
With winter coming, I'm sure her cooch will apreciate the warm gutchies.
pick up some junk she couldn't push off on any of my other siblings,
and my mother and dad were wearing matching pajamas.
As IF the matching jackets and jogging suits were bad enough.
I said, "I hate to break this to you, Mom, but you and Dad are NOT twins."
Thursday, November 30, 2006
Movies you can watch in your own home whenever you want! What a fabulous concept. I predict it will catch on. I LOVE this movie!
Hmmm, well I can honestly say those "WalkFit" insoles are helping my sleep. I used to be up before
8 am all the time because my hips and lower back ached. This morning I slept in until...well, let me put
it to you this way, I was stretching and rolling over to find an even more comfy position in bed at the same time
I heard my neighbor pulling her car into the driveway for LUNCH. I love life!
Wednesday, November 29, 2006
Happy Birthday to Richard Freeman, esteemed editor of Batteries Not Included and overall great guy!!
So Britney's flashing her bare cooch all over town, every chance she gets, huh?
And we thought *KFed* was the no class, white trash bum in that union...
I heard from Harlequin Books after I complained about them pimping their "old" Christmas books as new.
The woman said, "We don't mention that they're reprints because people will think they're old books." Um, HELLO?!
If they were written in the 1980's, they *ARE* old books! They talked about MORK & MINDY in one book.
And after reading that, it became very clear to me why most writing books tell you to never mention
current celebs or tv shows. They really date your book later on.
Yet another senseless and totally obvious study was conducted in London. The outcome? Women talk more
than men. Wow! What an amazing surprise!!
What's up for the next time waster study? Do men miss the toilet more often than women?
I was helping the kids write letters to their dads yesterday. It's really hard because the littlest offspring don't know their daddies ARE in jail.
I tell them their daddies are "working for the
government on a special assignment. Soooo important as a matter of fact, that they can't leave until the government tells them they can."
Female Offspring #7 said, "When will they let my daddy come home?"
I said, "In two to four." And knowing that jackass, he'll be back "working for the government" within a week.
While Mr. G knows about my site(s), he never reads them. And the offspring are FORBIDDEN to read them. If I so much as THINK they're reading them, I'll kill 'em.
I'm glad about that because I can say what I want to say. Not that I'm saying anything incriminating, but still. If I wanna kvetch, I can.
When I'm reading someone's blog and their gf/bf/spouse suddenly starts posting, the blog kinda
loses flavor for me, ESPECIALLY when it's just a bf/gf. The blog writer has to watch what they say, so they start censoring
and the blog isn't as fun for me anymore, and I find myself investing less and less time, just waiting for the inevitable break up disaster.
You can tell when they've given out the URL cuz suddenly they'll start saying all sorts of nice things about their S.O.
"He is THEE BEST in bed!"
"Nobody gives head like my woman!"
"OMG! If my guy gets any smarter, I'll have to go back to college just to keep up!"
"If my gf gets any hotter, I'm going to have to carry a fire extinguisher around with me at all times."
GUH. And the insanity goes on and on until I feel like I'm in danger of overdosing on saccharine.
I feel the worst for guys. They can't even say things like, "Well, I'm thinking about
asking the chick to maybe marry me in the upcoming months" cuz she'll have the entire wedding planned before he makes it home that evening.
Then in the back of my mind, I always think, "Oh, shit, if these two break up, he's not even going
to be able to talk about it, or he'll have to get a new blog addy to do so because you
just KNOW she'll be checking his blog constantly to see if he's talking smack about her."
And that bugs me because if he DOESN'T talk smack about her, we'll never know the gory details of their breakup...LOL! Don't get on your high horses, I know I'm not the *only one* who wants to hear that kind of stuff. I'm just being honest about it.
Guys, it's so not worth it to hear those few seconds of "tee hee, you're so funny in your blog" right before she gives you head.
Gals, same thing when it comes to cunnilingus ...or him changing the "earl" in your car.
So if you find yourself tempted to tell, remember: a moment on the lips, a lifetime of having to put up with her angry emails because you made her look bitchy in your blog.
If you feel you MUST give her/him your URL, for God's sakes, have the sense to set up a "dummy blog"
where you can kiss ass 24/7 and nobody has to read it but the person it's intended to impress. Do that much for us, your faithful internet pals.
Ok, what store had the deer in all white lights on sale? You know, the deer standing next to the tree in all white lights? Good freaking grief. They're in just about every yard in my hood! I'm starting to feel so left out, I might have to steal
one deer from two different yards and a tree from another yard to complete MY set.
Zal pointed out that I did not include The Chipmunk Christmas song on my list. That is because I am disgusted by
the fact that poor Alvin gets yelled at constantly. It's obvious from listening to that song that Alvin has ADD.
Frankly I'm surprised he's not the poster chipmunk for Ritalin.
I was perusing the web for unusual gifts for my upcoming 12 Gifts of Christmas article, and I found this site for pheromone perfume.
What struck me as extremely hilarious, though, was the fact that you get a "free Peruvian finger puppet"
with every order over $50. Sign me up! A girl can NEVER have too many Peruvian finger puppets!
I started to watch My Boys on TBS last night and I have a question: must EVERY new show be narrated?
I sat through two half hour episodes and that was about 59 minutes too much.
Tuesday, November 28, 2006
will last, here are a list of my all time favorite Christmas songs:
1. All time #1 is Sleigh Ride by Percy Faith or Manheim Steamrollers or The Ronettes
2. We Need a Little Christmas by Percy Faith. I always listen to this while decorating.
3. O Holy Night by Celine Dion. I know you're surpised to see anything by Celine on my list, what with
us being mortal enemies and all, but I know a great song when I hear it. She knocked herself out on this one.
4. All I Want For Christmas is You by Mariah Carey. Her rocking beat *really* gets me in the holiday mood!
5. Let it Snow, Let it Snow, Let it Snow by Gloria Estefan
6. The Bell That Couldn't Jingle by Herb Alpert. Blame my dad for this one. Herb's albums were always playing at our house when I was little.
7. Winter Wonderland by The Eurythmics. Annie's voice is just fabulous.
8. Santa Baby by Madonna. Sexy and fliratious. Nuff said.
9. Holiday Road by Lindsey Buckingham. Another upbeat, great song. And who
doesn't think of that squirrel flying out of the Christmas tree when they hear it?
10. Lets Put Christ Back In Christmas from the Bob&Tom show. Too damn funny.
11. Jingle Bell Rock
12. Rockin Around the Christmas Tree by Brenda Lee
What are yours?