Wednesday, August 31, 2005

if I can't have you i dont want nobody baby


Zal sends this: "Soon after my wife and I met, she mentioned how she really wished that she could afford a riding lawnmower. She was a single gal that worked all day and was often tired in the evening when she got home from work. So, being the handy sort of guy that I was, I made her a riding lawnmower. I guess I thought she would squeal with delight and give me a big hug. To this day I have never been able to understand why women are so hard to please."

so much for my happy ending

Whooo hoooo! The season premiere of COPS is going
to feature a segment from PITTSBURGH!! That's PICKSBURGH for all you natives of the Steel City.

Of my Officer Joey Perez from Fresno pic, Wendy writes: "That's what you're bragging about, come on. It's not even a good photo. It's just a clip from the COPS video footage. At least my cute cops I can go up and talk to, unfortunately, my cute crew cut one is on vacation until next week :(
But we have so many more. He he He"
Officer Perez said, "Well excuse me for not having my digital camera with me, Wendy." Ok he didn't. I just made that up. But how can you say that's not a good photo?? Of course it is!
Although I admit the full frontal nudity would have been much much better.
But now, Wendy, don't be jealous cuz he didn't send you a pic, along with HIS PHONE NUMBERS!! Schure it's probably his work numbers and he forgot they were on there, but a girl can dream, can't she??
Actually I'm surprised he left those contact numbers in there. Apparently he hasn't read enough of my site to recognize my stalkerish tendencies....phew!

Ok, I've been watching quite a lot of the hurricane coverage and there's something I don't understand. When people are told to evacuate and when they're told how devestating the storm might be, why do they persist in staying at home? Is it because they're afraid to leave their things behind, or do they think they can be one of the lucky ones to ride it out or don't they have the money/means to leave? I don't understand it. I think we all have an attachement to our things, but I can't believe that would be their motivation. Somebody 'splain.
I do know that I cannot even FATHOM the depression and loss
they're feeling right now. The homes that I saw were submerged in water to the roof.

Gotta love the internet. They're talking about my site on a forum in Tiran. Hell, who knew there were that making English speaking people in Tiran? Hell, who knows where Tiran is?
I'm not sure, but I'm guessing just outside the city limits of Peewaukee, Wisconsin.
Thankfully I can't read a word of what they've said....

You know what I always think about when I'm watching COPS? Besides the cops, smart asses. They have to narrate what's happening the whole time and I'm wondering if they continue to do that long after the camera crew has left? I would. I'd be sitting in the patrol car all alone going, "Yeah, I've been on the force for three years now. I enjoy my work, being among the community and just pretty much loving guys who dig chicks in uniform. Ok I'm gonna stop this car ahead of me for failure to yield and then we'll head on over to Pizza Hut for that all you can eat buffet. Oh and some cake, too. Maybe even peruse a little porn. "

Speaking of COPS, I saw my favorite, most bizarre ep again today. It's the one featuring Officer Maldonado from Fort Worth Texas. He's flagged down by this chick who is incensed by the fact that she gave a woman twenty bucks for crack and the woman gave her plaster instead of crack. CrackyChick wants the officer to get her money back for her. The funniest part of this surreal segment is where the Alleged Dope Peddlar Woman, who is standing with her 17 year old son, says to the cop, "I told her 'don't disrepect my son'. This is my son. I don't sell drugs. I'm a prostitute." Yes, a much more respectable profession...

Monday, August 29, 2005

and its so nice to hear you say you're gonna please me in every way


So I'm zipping through my email and I saw one from Joey Perez and it said "your web site..." BUT it had an attachment, which I never open unless I know the sender. The more I thought about it, the more that name was familiar. After a few seconds, I'm like, "Wait a minute. Isn't that the name of one of the cops I jilled to on COPS??" Then I thought, "Nah, it can't be." Scho' nuff. It WAS.
(Hey. There are some thing just worth risking getting a virus
over and opening that picture was one of them!!)
See? Can I pick the Hot Cop O'The Week or what?
(And so help me, Mike South, if you email me and tell me that cop looks like YOU, I'm gonna bitchslap you!!)
*insert bragging rights here*
AND I just wanted you ALL to know that picture was sent to me by Officer Perez himself. (Truth be told I had hoped it featured full frontal nudity, but ya take what you can get.) Officer Perez was the one who wrestled the chick (also in the pic) to the ground and afterwards she demanded to see his superior officer saying she was pregnant. When he wrestled that chick to the ground, it was luuuv at first sight. Whoo hoo!
Thanks for the pic!!
BTW, ladies, Fresno is THEE PLACE to be arrested. Lots of hot cops on
that police force. But, of course, none cuter than Officer Perez.

Speaking of COPS, if ya haven't checked out my article on the show, feel free to do so now.

Ok that's it for now. Drool really gunks up the keyboard.

why are we so in denial when we know we're not happy here

Again, I'd like to BEAT Court TV for slapping their stupid logos
over the names of the officers on COPS. They do it during every friggin' segment.
On the upside, I've been seeing a bunch of eps from Indio that I've never seen before.

Have you read about the woman who is suing her doctor because he said she was obese? That's not quite the whole story, as I found out on CNN today. Apparently the dude went a step further and told her that since women out live men, if her husband died, no man would want her sexually. Ok, I totally applaud this woman for taking action against this insensitive idiot. It's hard enough to hear that you have to lose weight, there was no reason for the doctor to draw her a picture. It's not like she hasn't figured these things out for herself already.

I was reading a romance novel by Diana Palmer, entitled Carrera's Bride. The blurb on the back of the book describes the hero thusly: "With his imposing stature and notorious reputation, Marcus Carrera instilled fear in friends and foes alike." Yeaaaah, then I start reading the book and I discover this big, tough hero SEWS and does QUILTING. Now I'm all for guys learning to take care of themselves, but I gotta say, when I read the line, "I've got some nice blue and pink batik prints and a few fat quarters of whimsical fabric that would make the sweetest little quilt..." I tossed that book against the wall. GUH. NO WAY would a rough, tough dude utter THAT line. Could he BE any more gay if he tried?!
I should have known better than to even read one of her books. She has written the same dewy eyed, innocent (and insipid) heroine over and over for years now. All that "I never knew it could be so BIG. Is it going to hurt??" bullshit gets annoying when used repeatedly.

One might think World's Wildest Videos was scrapping the bottom of the video barrel. Yesterday's ep featured two school mascots duking it out on the sidelines of a game.

I was flipping channels on Sunday afternoon and saw a small snippet of a show featuring Anna Nicole's wildest moments. Ironically, it was ONLY a half hour show. I would have thought two hours at least. Anywho, my favorite moment was when they showed Anna Nic in court and she was on the witless stand whimpering about her inheritance, "Its very expensive to be me."
Yes, I would think the ...um...."items" required to self-medicate would cost a small fortune...


And that's my two cents.

Sunday, August 28, 2005

you should hear how she talks about you

I'VE HAD A NEW AWARD BESTOWED UPON MY SITE!!!!
Andrea writes: "Hello Goddess.
Your site made me grin. I wouldn't say you piss about per se on your website because it is genuinely funny, however I recommend you should award yourself the absolute pissing about website award as seen here."
Wasn't that FAB of Andrea to bestow that award upon my site??
(Schure she only SUGGESTED the award, but that counts as winning in MY book damn it!!)
You'l be ever so happy to know, Andrea, that I wore my best
evening gown and the one pair of fuzzy slippers my dog hasn't gnoshed, when I ftpeed that award and posted it on my site. Truly I'm honored, and as soon as I'm finished
watching COPS, I'll work on my acceptance speech.
The award is for people who are constantly pissing with their sites--it BETTER not be
for people who HAVE pissy sites. Anywho, it's very appropo, as I am
FOREVER pissing around with my site.

Male Offspring #4 begged me to take him to the bookstore last night. Since I enjoy perusing the aisles, I was only too happy to take him. Ya know, I never realized how much written material there was on the subject of twine. He came home with, "Much Ado About Twine," "One Twine, Two Twine, Red Twine, Blue Twine," "The Miracle of Cana: Jesus Turns Water into Twine," and "Days of Twine and Roses."

There was an obit in the paper yesterday that ran the entire length of the newspaper column. Top to bottom. The interesting thing was that it started out with, "...(he) was a self-made man."
Um are ANY of us really self made? It went on to talk about how the dude was in reform school and spent time living in a cave--no lie, some of this shit is better than fiction, but I always wonder why we need to know this sort of stuff?

Yesterday I watched several eps of "Project Runway," a "reality" show about clothing designers. It was a challenge to find the next new designer, and apparently the damn thing is over with already and I've never even heard of it.
** Oh, the shit I'll watch when I'm bored.**
Anywho, the great thing was that I saw the first ep where they dumped someone, then it skipped to the next to the last ep and the final ep, where the winner was chosen. The final three consisted of a black chick, Kara, who thought she was all that and a bag of licorice twists, a gayer than gay dude, Jay, from Pennsylvania and a homemaker from Virginia. My favorite of the final three was the homemaker chick named Wendy Pepper. After her showing, she said,
"Just six months ago, I was doing this in my basement." Made me tear up a bit. Her clothes were very elegant and classy. The black chick's clothes were nice but they all had the same sort of look to them in her final showing and the gayer than gay dude's clothes were just plain stupid. So, of course, he won because he listened to his inner voice. Puhleeze. That inner voice shit isn't gonna fly when the average woman wouldn't be caught dead wearing most of the stuff in his collection. What I liked most about Wendy was that she spoke her mind, despite the fact that the other two were quite rude to her. They shut her out totally and yet she persevered. She ended up winning the competition to design a dress that Nancy O'Dell would wear to the Grammys. On the very first show, there was one chick that I knew didn't have a snowball's chance in Hell of winning and that's because she said, "I don't have any confidence in my designs." If YOU don't have confidence in your own stuff, nobody else will either.
Heidi Klum was the host and she said things like, "Fashion is a bitch sometimes," and "In fashion, one day you're in and the next day you're out." I've seen oceans that weren't as deep.

Friday, August 26, 2005

i guess thats why they call it the blues

Well it was fun while it lasted, kids. I actually achieved laptop status for all of five minutes. I tried not to tell anyone or even think about it for fear of jinxing it.
Evidently I didn't try hard enough.
I purchased what I thought was a really nice laptop--and it was . I powered it up and the screen stayed black. I thought, "Ok, maybe there is no XP installed. That's not a problem. Female Offspring #1 could probably get me a CD from the University." Then I noticed there was no hard drive. I flipped over the box and noticed no RAM either. At this point, I'm still thinking it's doable. Hard drive would probably cost me about $160 and probably the same or a tad less for RAM. I can do this. I read further on the box and discovered there was no CPU--central processing unit. THEN I sat down and cried for 15 minutes cuz I knew there was no point in keeping the P.O.S. if it didn't have a CPU. Back to square one.

I love it when the neighbor's kids get the mail. They announce what everything is from the street. "MOM! You got something from WalMart and something that says "Third and Final Notice. What is that? Can I open it? Oh, and Dad got stuff too." Good thing she didn't get a vibrator in the mail.
"Mom! You got a package from Dildos-R-Us! What is that? Can I open it?"
And friends yelled at me when I said I wanted to create a muzzle for kids.
Who's dying of embarrassment NOW, people?!

I'm waiting on a package from Fed Ex. UGH. I've never had the best of luck with Fed Ex. Either they can't find trailer or my street or they can't find my state. One time they left a message in my mailbox saying I wasn't home when they stopped to leave a package for Female Offspring #1. Matter of fact, I WAS home, watching them at the neighbor's house, thinking SHE was getting a package. (Yes, I suffer from extreme package envy. I admit it.)
It's always something with Fed Ex. When I checked the tracking numbers, I see the package is now in New Jersey after leaving Virgina. I've never claimed to be a geographist (or a directionographer) but why would you go from Virginia to New Jersey if you're sending a package to Pennsylvania?
Why not come straight up through Maryland?
A hurricane's a blowin'

Thursday, August 25, 2005

bonnie l why you wanna give me the run around

Once again, my email is ginky. I haven't gotten any LJ email for two days now. If you've sent me an email and haven't gotten a response---because I ALWAYS respond, even if it's it just to tell you to kiss my ass--please resend to imagoddessru at yahoo.com . I'm not sure if it's all my twog mail or just LJ that's ginky, so this way I'll know for sure.

A young girl was returned to her home in Pittsburgh after being missing for a few days. They showed her father on tv asking for her safe return, and he said, "I don't care how you do it just bring my kid back." And now that she's home safely I just had to giggle over his choice of words.
I could only imagine how I'd feel if one of my 16 offspring disappeared. I'd be on tv begging........for free cake so I could console myself in their absence. Of course, I wouldn't do the uglee cry on camera cause that would make snot come out of my nose. Damned if I want snot coming out of my nose during my tv debut. I mean, during my "impassioned plea".
I'd be all, "Please return little....little..."
**off camera** Wait a minute, which offspring did they take again? Oh, Male Offspring #5. Is he the one that sets fires cuz if he is I'd be better without--oh, he isn't? He's not twine boy, is he? Cuz he does a good bit of my laundry. Male Offspring #5...I just can't place which one he is. Oooooh YEAH, he's the Jesus Freak. He's forever walking around quoting the Bible and trying to convert people.
**Turning back to the camera**,"Ya know, I've been thinking about this and I've often heard that if you love something set it free...so I'm setting Male Offspring #5 free."

Well my chiropractor dumped me. Oh schure he SAID it was because he was moving to a new office, but I can see what's really going on. Goddess can read between the lines!!
(It's the actual lines that give me problems...)
It's over between us. I don' t even CARE if he sends me one of those "I've moved!
Come see me at my new location!" postcards. SCREW. HIM.
I gave him the best years of my spine and neck and this is how he repays me.
Crush. OVER.

It seemed to me that I was buying an enormous amount of dental floss lately, but every time I turned around we were fresh out. Imagine my surprise when I went to the shed (we don't call them 'garden sheds' in PA unlesss you actually have a garden) and discovered a HUGE BALL OF DENTAL FLOSS.
(Mostly used. Brrrrrrrr.)
Didn't take me long to figure out that it was Male Offspring #4's salute
to the Big Ball O'Twine in Cawker City, Kansas. When I confronted him, he told me it was his dream to make an even BIGGER ball o' dental floss. Who am I to stomp on his dreams?
Wait a minute, I'm his mother, damn it. Who BETTER to crush his hopes than I?
But ya know, the more I think about it, I'll bet if we hosed this sucker off, we could re-use all this floss.

I read that Mohamed al Fayed will soon have a bronze statue of Princess
Di and his son Dodi in his Harrod's Department store in London.
Hmm, I've never seen a chick yet who looked good in bronze. Guys, yes. But chicks just look strange.

I just KNOW Trailer Queen won big at the races, but Zal refuses to tell me. (And if she didn't win, I just KNOW Burning Affair did. She wouldn't let me down. Not with a name like that.)
He says I have to WAIT like everyone else for the story. Like I'm common folk, like the rest of you are. HA!
Great, but Zal is like two days behind in his stories. Hell, I could be using those winnings to buy myself a damn laptop. He's probably not posting about it cuz he's on his way to da Bahamas mon with my loot.

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

goodbye stranger its been nice

Apparently Lance Armstrong was using performance enhancing drugs back in 1999 when he won the Tour de France. (Does anybody really care?) His urine tested positive six times for erythropoietin, a banned substance.
I have but three things to say:
a. shouldn't this have come up say, oh I don't know, BACK IN 1999?!
why wait until 2004 to do testing and another year for the results?
b. WHY in the world are they hanging onto 6 year old urine samples??
and c. ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!

I'm getting my CD drive replaced on my next week off. It hasn't worked for quite some time now, but I'm going to be needing it in the not too distant future. I think I'm going with the guy who comes to the house and does repairs onsite. Our tax dude had his CD drive replaced by this guy, and it cost him about $45 when he came worked onsite. It would cost me $30 to take it into the shop and leave it. I'd rather have them do it here because I can see exactly what they're doing. Not that I'm paranoid but when somebody has access to my hard drive all day, I want to know what they're doing with it. I dont' know how long it takes to remove a CD and replace it with a new one, but I asked them if I could bring it in and wait on it and they said no, so screw it. I'll have them come here and pay a little extra.

It drives me nuts when people on the COPS forum bitch about the cops who post and have a lack of spelling ability and less than stellar grammar skills. If my ass is in trouble I'm certainly not going to stand there and say, "Officer, spell "onomatopoeia" correctly and you can have I shall bestow upon you the joy of saving me!" I don't CARE if their job requires good spelling and grammar skills, not everyone is skilled in these areas. I'm far more concerned with how well they do in police procedures than diagramming a sentence.

Mike South is forcing me to link to him....

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

sometimes you wonder if this fight is worthwhile

Damn it! I was riding in the car with C.P. earlier this afternoon and he was pulled over by the police for not signaling a turn. Anywho, while we were waiting for the police officer to get out of the car, I'm praying, "Please be a guy. Please be a guy. Please be a guy." It was a female officer. Is there no God?! Uck.

Ever since we moved to the new server, my web site hits have been more than cut in half.
Personally, I blame the server.
And Mike South.
(cuz he's out of the country and I can get away with it.
They don't have internet service in the wilds of O Canada.
That's why there are no Canadians on the internet.)

I sat down last night to watch the COPS eps I taped from Court TV on Sunday. Most of them were from Palm Springs AND I hadn't seen any of them, save a segment or two out of all five eps. Every time I sit down to watch TV, Holly gets the attention bug up her ass. She's constantly shoving her jug in my face or trotting past me with stuff she's stolen from our bedroom while Mr. G isn't watching. And I'm constantly correcting her the entire time I'm trying to watch my shows. NEVER FAILS. I keep saying, "Find a bone and settle DOWN." Or "Where's Holly's toys? That's NOT Holly's toy." UGH. And as usual she found a bone she was happy with during the last segment of the last show. Sigh.
And as if that isn't bad enough, I'm TOTALLY PISSED at Court TV for covering up the names of the HOTT COPS with their friggin' stupid logos. How can I properly jill off to a strange cop if I don't know his name? What am I going to scream out during the big O? "Oh...oh...yes! YES! DO ME, cop whose name I don't know because sucky Court TV obliterated your name with their butt uglee logos!!" Just doesn't cut it for me. (Although, I guess I could TRY.....)

Beater writes: " 'South is the only person on the planet who readies for nude scenes by eating cupcakes. He is such a guy.' wait a second I drink a ton of beer to do nude stuff, beer or cupcakes? Beer is real man stuff ."
Beer AND cupcakes?! I'm fairly certain that's Naomi Campbell's regime, too.
Ok, then you BOTH need to be shot!

I bought gas tonight.....$17.50 for 6 frickin' gallons. I was reading an article in today's paper about why gas is so expensive and one of the reasons is the POSSIBLITY of a bad hurricane season, which might interrupt shipments. What pisses me about this is we're paying for it now and it hasn't even happened yet. If we DO experience a bad hurricane season the prices will go up again.
If we don't, you KNOW they're not going down.

Monday, August 22, 2005

there's just too much that time cannot erase

I ate MY HOME GROWN FIRST TOMATO today!!! Yay!
It was DELISH.

South is the only person on the planet who readies for
nude scenes by eating cupcakes. He is such a guy.

I'd like to dropkick the people in charge of thinking up these Pepsi rebate offers. They have a $5 rebate on $10 worth of Pepsi purchases. You have to buy 4 of the 6 pk of bottles. Now the cashier's slip should be a good enough proof of purchase since the name of the product is printed right on it. Noooooooo, that's not good enough for PepsiCo. You have to cut all the UPC symbols off the bottles AND write down the numbers on a separate piece of paper. You have to include the UPC's, the receipt and the list of numbers with the rebate form. Then you have to blow the Pepsi delivery guy and hand over your firstborn son.
If all of this is in order, you'll get your friggin' $5 back. They think I won't do it. But they're wrong. I will because I have no life of which to speak.
And when I get that Pepsi rebate check in the mail, I'm spending it all on DIET COKE PRODUCTS.

The Pope warned young teens, not to fall for religions that operate on a "do it yourself" basis." Yeah, the "do it yourself" religions require you to think for yourself. You want to get one of those "following blindly/let other people do my thinking" religions. What was REALLY comical was when the Pope said "Yet, if it is pushed too far, religion becomes almost a consumer product." Comical, because nobody knows more about turning religion into a consumer "product" than the Catholic Church. Anybody care to "buy" a few masses??

I saw a show called "14 Children and Pregnant Again" yesterday. 14? Puhleeze. Amateurs. Why do people give their kids first names that all start with the same letter? That is so strange. Every one of the kid's names in that family started with the letter "J".Yes, nothing like promoting good old individuality. The king of individuality being George Foreman.....

So I was watching Kathy Griffin on Sunday. Yes! She's like the ONLY reality show I really like watching. I laughed when she talked about selling the DVD's though. She had two signings and she sold 24.
Her HUSBAND sold 33 backstage at one of her shows. How funny is that?! And how sad when the celebrity sells less of her own product?!

I loved Shoe yesterday. He said some days he felt fat and somedays he felt thin. His talking scale said, "What's the forecast for today?" He said, "partly portly with a 20% chance of scattered skinny."

all of me


I couldn't resist swiping this from Lisa. (Hi, Lisa ) Isn't that the way it ALWAYS happens?!
Weird that it doesn't show her choking the bunny, then tossing it against the wall in frustration....

The county fair is just around the corner. I can't wait. My favorite thing is the rabbit and poultry
judging at the 4H tent. Last year at the poultry judging, I was screaming at the roosters.
I was all, "You call that a strut?! I've seen better struts on a demolished 1972 Vega!"
(Get it? Poultry? "Judging"? Never mind...)

Goddess' Hot(t) Cop O'The Week Award goes to: Off. Mike Phipps of Pierce County, Washington. I can't wait for the new season of COPS to begin next month. I'm so farking fed up with them taking old eps, re-packaging them with sensationalisitic titles ("Bad Girls 4!" "Shots Fired!" "Caught in the Act!" ) and dating them 2005.

Hmm, I must be going to the wrong kind of chiropractor.
I'm reading about other people who take their clothes off and put on a paper gown
when they get treatments. We stay fully dressed. Damn. I hate to miss an
an opportunity to show off lacey underwear. Esp. when my chiro is so damn sexy.

Zal ran the entries in Monday's horse races. I HAD to go with Trailer Queen in the 8th. I love some of the names, "Burning Affair" (picked that one in the 1st), "Reasonably Bright" and "SpeedRouser".

Saturday, August 20, 2005

you were just too damn dull for me

There is one REALLY nice thing about having a doggie.
When I say, "Holly, nobody ever licks my toes," she will.

I wanted to post this the other day and I forgot. If you have indoor pets, you have GOT to get one of those rubber brooms they keep advertising. They kind of casually mention along with other things how good it is for pet hair. I bought one and tried it last week. Oy. I ran the sweeper FIRST then went over the rug with the broom. You would not believe the amount of pet hair I brushed up from Holly after the sweeper had supposedly done it's job.

In the never ending battle of the bedroom suits aka FurnitureGate 2005, I called my sister and asked if there was any chance she'd want to switch bedroom suits with me. She said no she had her heart set on grandma's. No biggie. BUT, one of my nieces came to visit a little while ago, and apparently she was at my mother's when she called my sister BEFORE me and told her NOT to switch, that I was getting the dining room suit and that was enough. Lordy, ya gotta love those kids that blab all.
(Well except if they're one of MINE, but I have my offspring very well trained to say nada of importance. Unfortunately they've applied it TO ME too!!)
The thing that angers me--you know other than telling me to my face to ask my sister if she'd switch, then the going behind my back thingy?--is that my mother won't let me take just the bed. And it doesn't even freaking MATCH the other two pieces!! Soooooo, JUST TO MAJORLY PISS HER OFF, I called my mother and left this message on the answering machine,"I want the bed, so I'll take Uncle ****'s bedroom suit and while they have the truck, I'll have the guys take the two pieces I don't want to the Goodwill." Yes, that's right. I'm not above that sort of behavior at all.
Last night, in an all out bid to get me to take the crap, she said, "I think Uncle ****'s furniture is antique, too." It isn't, trust me.
I said, "I don't care if Noah built it, I don't like it."
If I refinish that godawful furniture, I'd take it in a heartbeat because I like doing that sort of work. But I don't even think it's real wood. It's that shiny, crappy wood laminate stuff that can't be refinished.

While we were at my uncle's yesterday, my husband said to my mother, "Who's getting that chair in the living room with the footstool?" Poor Mr. G is dying for a nice Lazy Boy. My mother says, "Oh, that's his newest chair." Then immediately went on to talk about something else. Later, Mr G said, "She never did answer me about that chair." I said "Yeah, she did. If it's the "newest chair" that means my brother is getting it." I've pretty much come to live with that sort of attitude, but I can easily see why some families get into an out and out war over "stuff." And this my friends is a prime example of WHY I don't keep in close contact with my family, save for my one sister, who lives in the South. My mother has her favorites and I ain't one of them.

If I bitchslapped my co-worker really hard, I wonder what the odds are that my arresting officer would be a really hot(t) guy? This TWIT--my co-worker, not the hot(t) arresting officer--asked me two days ago if I would work for her on Sunday, knowing full well she had been planning a party for her husband for WEEKS. I should have said NO! but it'll give me Friday off and that means Holly won't have to be by herself until Monday the 29th and that's important to me. Poor dog has separation anxiety issues.
So this chick called me last night and says, "The boss wants such and such done on Sunday. If you get here and it's not done, let me know and I'll do it Monday." I said, "Now how's that going to work? If it needs done on Sunday, obviously I'm going to have to do it." She gives one of those "Ooooooo's" along with the sigh of pseudo-regret, as if she's oh so sorry to have stuck me with it, but how could she possibly have known??!! Uh huh and my ass is make of cheese. I said, "Here's an idea. Why don't YOU do it on Saturday?" And she said, "Oooh, I have way too much to do." Pfffffffffft. What a sack of crap that is.
Maybe it's just me and my stupid sense of responsibility, but when I ask someone to fill in for me, if there's something that has to be accomplished before they get there--even if it's a task I might not particularly like doing!!!--I see to it that it's done. I don't want somebody stepping in shit because they're not prepared when they're doing me a favor.

Ok, my niece sent me an Irish luck forward. Somebody explain this to me. It gives you a cutesy little song and dance poem, then a line about how "they" did this and all their freaking wishes came true, THEN at the bottom it says, "Send this to one person, your wish will come true in a year, three people, 6 months, 5 people, 3 months and 6 people, 1 month. After that it says, "Send this to two people and you will automatically have three years of good luck." Now how the HELL does that work? If I sit here and annoy six people rather than two, I certain deserve to have three YEARS of good luck, don't I?

Hee Haw. "Recently, a distraught wife went to the local police station, along with her next-door neighbor, to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description of the missing man.
The wife said, "He is 35 years old, 6-foot 4-inches, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children."
The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5-foot 8-inches, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children."
The wife replied, 'Yes, but who wants HIM back?' "

can i confess i've been hanging 'round your old address

My mother's need to control everything makes me crazy. My uncle said that my sister and I could have his bedroom suits. Female Offspring #1 took all her stuff with her so I have one "empty" room.
(Yeah, right. Just try to move around in there and then tell me it's "empty.")
The one that was my uncle's set is a dark brown, icky bedroom suit, while the one that was my grandmother's is a really nice antique set. I love old furniture. I'm drawn to it.
The dresser has all sorts of little drawers and stuff, and laugh if you will, but I have a great rapport with that furniture. Whereas, my uncle's bedroom furniture...eh, the rapport.... not so great.
BUT my mother already promised that bedroom suit to my sister because my uncle is going to give me his dining room table which I can't use and don't want.
(Why do people give you what THEY want you to have instead of simply asking you?! It's not even practical for my place, and he knows that.) My mother has the key to my uncle's house--he's in the county home--so when we went down yesterday to look at the furniture again, I said to my mother, "Ya know, I don't know if I'm going to take that bedroom suit because I just don't like it." She said, "BUT IT'S FREE." I said, "What good is getting furniture that you DON'T like?" She said, "But if it's GIVEN to you what difference does it make?" At this point, I just want to slap her. It's like she NEVER can let me make a decision that she doesn't need to override. I said, "That's like taking a bunch of clothes that you hate
and will never wear simply because they're free.
What the hell good are they?!"

Last night Holly and I were laying around in the living room and she found one of Mr. G's socks. I got this great idea to turn her into a drug sniffing dog. (She's GOTTA redeem herself somehow.) I'm thinking nothing is more powerful than the smell wafting off of one of Mr. G's three day old socks. So when she turned around, I hid the sock, and said, "Find it. Get me the sock, Holly." She looked around for a few seconds, trotted down the hall and came back with *another* sock. THREE TIMES we went through this process. I'm thinking "how many socks did Mr. G leave laying on the floor?!" I kept hiding them and she kept finding new ones. I'm like, "Ok, clearly you're not understanding the game." Actually she was understanding it better than I was...

My online pal Lisa said she was studying the book, "The House That Crack Built" in college.
I thought it HAD to be a joke.
But alas, it's not. She said it starts out, "This is the house that crack built. This is the man who lives in the house that crack built. These are the men that protect the man that lives in the house that crack built" If THAT book can sell, I think I'll write
one entitled, "This is the Trailer That Laziness Built." "This is the trailer that laziness built. This is the Goddess that lives in the trailer that laziness built. These are the offspring that piss off the Goddess that lives in the trailer that laziness built."
I'm thinking "NEW YORK TIMES BEST SELLER'S LIST, baby!!

Living with Holly is like living with a dingo.
Everything that isn't on a high shelf, gets snatched or eaten or both.

A big THANK YOU to Mike South who worked really hard
last night and got my stats working!! YAY!!! He was working on it till after one a.m. at which point I'm like, "damn I'm too tired to stay up any longer." He said, "I got it!"
and SUDDENLY I was wide awake again. Then I coded my pages for over an hour.
A small price to pay indeed.

Friday, August 19, 2005

some people drive limousines some people take a back seat

A big THANK YOU to Mike South who worked really hard
last night and got my stats working!! YAY!!! He was working on it till after one a.m. at which point I'm like, "damn I'm too tired to stay up any longer." He said, "I got it!"
and SUDDENLY I was wide awake again. Then I coded my pages for over an hour.
A small price to pay indeed.

(12 a.m.) While the Pennsylvania Legislature had no problem voting themselves a hefty 16-34% payraise, they balked at making the state underwrite the cost of life insurance for active duty National Guard soldiers and airmen. Seems we don't have enough money in the budget for that. Hmm, I wonder why? The subsidy would cost PA slightly more than $1 million dollars while the raises will cost us several million dollars. When asked why he didn't vote for the underwriting of the life insurance, one Representative said, "Should we take the money from education and pay for this? Should we take it away from libraries and pay for this?" Gosh, he was like one cunt hair away from saying: should we take it from the pockets of school children as they get off the bus each morning? Hey! Here's an idea: how about we take it from YOUR FUCKING PAYCHECK, you overpaid drama queen.
But then, I really shouldn't kvetch. It's tough being in the PA state legislature. I mean they have to stay up late at night so they can sneak in and vote themselves a pay raise when no one will be there to argue against it. All that cunning and lying and out and out thievery is a lot of work. Not to mention it cuts into their beauty sleep. When one outraged PA citizen emailed his state representative about the raise, the guy emailed him back, telling him to "Get a life." Yep, that's our PA gubment in (in)action.

Ya know, I don't MEAN to be a bitch, and yet, I'm going to say this anyway. The people at the Flight 93 Memorial in Somerset, PA, have asked Tom Ridge to head a fundraising campaign to raise more than $30 million dollars to build a permanent memorial in Somerset, the site of the Flight 93 crash on September 11th. Now, and again, I don't mean to be a big old bitch, but I think this is a HUGE waste of money that could be given to the families. I clearly recall loved ones left behind with small children to raise and put through school. Wouldn't this money be such a help to those who have lost parents and wage earners? I mean while it's nice to come out here and look at a big ole memorial for a few seconds, that money could do so much more good elsewhere.

Color me blue. (And green.) I was at work yesterday morning perusing a Gateway brochure, checking out the new laptops, when one of my co-workers happened by. She leaned over my shoulder and said, "Oh, are you thinking of getting a new laptop? I'm going up to WalMart today and buying one. That way I can watch movies on it." I'm like, "Ya know, you can buy a small DVD player to do that. You don't need a laptop." And I said it in a nice, conversational way so she wouldn't get a wiff of the stench of my jealousy.
She said, "No, I really want a wireless laptop, so I'm going to buy one today."
The SECOND she left, I was on the phone with Mr. G. I'm like, "What is WRONG with this picture? Here's a chick who goes to the Salvation Army and St. Vincent De Paul's at Christmas time and cries poor so she can get $250 in gift certificates to buy her kid's presents, while she spends HER $ on a wide screen tv for her husband, yet SHE can waltz up to WalMart and buy a laptop and I can't! What is WRONG with this picture?!" He said, "Well, of course she can buy a laptop. She's got other people paying her bills, people who donate to the Salvation Army every year. PEOPLE LIKE US!!" Sigh.
And ya know, I TRY not to be jealous, but the instant she said, "I'm going to buy one today," two little devil horns sprouted right out of my head.
I have sent out so many queries the last few months and gotten so many of those fucking "this does not meet our needs at this time" form rejection letters back, that I'm starting to feel another one of those "I will NEVER be a paid writer" crying jags coming on.

Today, I missed my stats so badly , that I re-read my old stats and
pretended they were new.

I read South's piece on oil refineries last night before bedtime--big mistake. He's starting to sound like Jack Van Impe, aka The Voice of (Cheerful) Doom. Jack is the dude who comes on TV on Sundays and talks about every little thing that happened on the planet and how it relates to the coming of Jesus, and how glorious it will be. But ya know, Jack kinda skims over the "wailing and gnashing of teeth" part that we'll have to live through BEFORE Jesus gets here--if all the prophecies are true. As I've stated before I DO NOT allow myself to think about this sort of stuff. It churns in my sub-conscious, but the minute it struggles to the surface of my conscious mind, I think, "You know what would be REALLY GOOD right about now? Cake. "
But anywho, I woke up about 3 a.m. and I'm laying there staring at the ceiling thinking, "What if South is right? What if that Venezula dude shuts us off completely and we can't afford to pay for gas? What will we do? What if Jesus comes and there is no more damn cake?!"

I was watching Kathy Griffin's Life on the D List today, and she was talking about a recent stint on the Tonight Show. She was showing pics of herself and celebs and when it came to a pic of her and Carmen Electra, Jay said, "That looks like a before and after shot." OUCH!! OUCH!! She was in the limo afterwards, crying about it, saying what a cheap shot it was. I thought it was rude. Kathy looks really good.
I guess some people think that since she takes swipes at celebs in her act, that she's fair game, too. When I listen to Kathy's routine, though, IMHO she's not so much about making fun of the way celebs look, it's more about the way they act, like if they're catty or bitchy. I really like her, but I can't see how she thinks making fun of people is going to get her working more.
Her problem is that she's too honest for Hollywood, where egos are fragile.
There was one really funny scene when she was going to a DVD signing and she made her parents come and buy her DVD. She was pissed cuz her dad was only going to buy one. He's like, "I love you, but they're $15.99." LOL. I can hear my parents saying that exact same thing.

I love it when they show that clip of Pat Robertson praying for "more vacancies on the Supreme Court" on the Daily Show. Why doesn't Pat just tell it like it is? "Lord, please smote a few Supreme Court justices so we can get the Christian judges in to promote our own self-serving agenda."

Thursday, August 18, 2005

i know you want it its easy to see and in the back of your mind i know you should fucking me


I told Zal he needed one of these. He informed me that he already has a shot glass checker set.
Alas, I have to be honest and admit that I own a shot glass Candyland game.
Hell, it was the only way I could survive playing it over and over and over.
Once your kids experience it, your life as you knew it is OVER, because they can NEVER play just one game. I'm telling ya, Candyland is like crack for pre-school kids.

I'd like to say that I am once again changing my name. First I was Puffy Goddess--especially right before my period and after all that cake--then I changed that to P Goddess. (Not to be confused with Pee Goddess, which is what I was last year.)
I will no longer be P Goddess, just Goddess from now on.
And I will DEFINITELY NOT BE ODD GODDESS.
I know how hard it is for some of you to pronounce that P so I'm
making it easier for you, my many many fans.

Goddess' Hot(t) Cop O'The Week Award goes to: Officer H. Elmore of Riveria Beach, Florida.
Oooooo. Ahhhh. Ohhhh. Talk about your delicious dark chocolate.

OH! OH! OH! I have come up with THEE BEST toy idea and I'm scurrying off to get it patented pronto in time for the big Christmas rush. Picture this: My Lil' Sweatshop! It'll come complete with sewing machine, dim lightbulb and a recorded message that says, " Faster, faster, you little slacker! Those pants aren't going to sew themselves!" over and over. I swear this is NOT going to be like the time I invented the Easy Bake Oven. Yes, that was me. I remember it well. I was about 8 at the time, and I thought to myself, "Hmm, I wonder how I could eat reams of cake in my bedroom without Mom ever knowing?"
(Yes, this whole cake thing is an insidious nightmare that has plagued me from childhood.)
Thus, the Easy Bake Oven was born. Well, ok, MY idea was to try to drag Mom's oven upstairs, but when I got it stuck on the bottom step, I knew I had to shrinky dink it.

One of the high points of my day yesterday was when I went into the bathroom at 3 a.m. and
fell into the toilet. I have a (bad) habit of walking around in the dark at night and I sat down on the toilet and in I went. What a cold, cold reminder to check the seat first.

I think I'm about to pass out. I told South my stats still weren't working and he said--oh gawd, I'm getting nauseous again--"its low priority for now." Getting....weaker.....by....the...minute. Damn it. I never should have said I wouldn't read my stats for a week! It became a self fulfilling prophecy. THEN South says he's going out to rent Sin City! HELLO?! I'm not paying him the big bucks for the privilege of
being my webhost so he can sit around watching videos!!
Relax. I'm joking. I'm joking.
We all know it's more of an honor than a privilege....

While I'm talking about South, I gotta spill this. It's too funny. Everybody--and I mean EVERYBODY--was seeing my new site, except for me, which meant I couldn't update it.
(Yes, even folks in Aruba, as South so lovingly pointed out while rubbing my snout in it.)
So South tells me to email my ISP. I said, "Ok but you tell me exactly what to say," because I wanted it to sound like I knew what I was talking about, despite the fact that I didn't. So I copied exactly what he said, and then I said to him, "Ok now how do I end this email?" I'm thinking do I say, "What can you do to correct this?" or "Can you help me with this?" And he says, "end it by saying get off your fucking asses and make your DNS servers work right you buncha lazy fucks."
Sigh. You'd think I'd know better than to even ask by now.

Of my little faux baby pas and Female Offspring #1, Michelle writes: "Shame on you!!
How are you gonna forget to tell her!!! You outta be ashamed of yourself!"
Hey! She went to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and didn't tell me! I say we're even!

Speaking of the offspring, Male Offspring #4 finally found his way home from Cawker City, Kansas. He's been happily showing off the picture of himself standing next to the largest ball of twine. He's right proud. And I'm so proud of him. He managed to get me some cheap cigarettes and booze along the way. If that ain't something that brings a tear to a mother's eye, I don't know what is.
For those of you who were dying to know, Male Offspring #5 finally chose the SpongeBob SquarePants folder, THEN he drew a huge set of boobs on Bob. I told Mr. G about the boobs and said, "Do you think I should be concerned?" And he said, "About what?" Boobs all around apparently.

The Daily Show had a HILARIOUS interview with Walt Reynolds and Mike Iaconelli concerning bass fishing. Seems Mike is taking it to the "extremes" yelling and screaming every time he catches a fish and that doesn't sit well with "normal fishermen" like Walt. Apparently Mike is just pissing bass fishermen off no end. (Interesting his name is Mike. Aren't all the flamboyant trouble makers named "Mike"?
Just thinking outloud here.)
It's really a funny piece. The funniest thing of all being that the Bassmaster Classic is held in Pittsburgh. One more thing for the city to be "proud" of.

I was flipping channels yesterday afternoon and decided to watch a bit of that Pat Croce show. Not because I like or respect him, but because he threatened to take sumdumteenager's ass to jail and I wanted to see the hot cops. The kid was using drugs and refused to stop, so the parents called Pat. What a crock of crap. The kid was smirking throughout the entire show. When the kid was laughing with his friends about taking shots and Vicodan, the old man was standing right there laughing with them! You knew the kid wasn't taking any of it seriously, then Pat hauls him out to the car and tells him that he's taking him to jail for the night OR at least he was GOING to take him to jail and his parents said no. Dumb. Dumb. Dumb. They should have allowed him to spend the night there. Anywho he says he's ready to sign a pledge to not do drugs and they come back like five or six weeks later and he says he's clean. My question is this: Pat administered a home drug test at the beginning of the show and the kid who said he was clean failed it. Why didn't he make him take ANOTHER home drug test to prove that he's really staying sober? These five minutes fixes to very serious problems don't fly with me.

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

picture this we were both buck naked bangin' on the bathroom floor

I saw the scariest sight yesterday on my way to work. I pass one of the major hospitals in the city and as I was passing the entrance, there was an elderly gentleman getting out of a Caravan. He was fairly feeble and shaky, and needed two burly dudes to help him out of the vehicle. Why do I find this scary?
Because HE WAS THE DRIVER of the Caravan!!

I started watching a movie the other day. One of those evil movies that I HATE to watch. It was called, 'The Neighbor,' and this icky guy lived next door to a couple that just moved into the neighborhood. The wife was pregnant and apparently reminded the old dude of his dead wife. I don't know if he killed her, too, or what the story was. (I should really write movie reviews, don't cha think? I'm so informed.) Anywho, by some way I didn't catch, (I really SHOULD be a reviewer!)
he pretended to be her OB/GYN when she came into get a sonagram. So he shows her the picture of the baby, but you can tell he's all sinister weird and stuff. Then he takes out this huge ass needle and tells her he's going to perform an amnio. She's like, "Whoa. Isn't that supposed to be done much later in the pregnancy?" And he's all, "Now don't worry. It'll be fine." He turns the monitor away from her so she can't see and he starts to put the needle in her stomach aiming it right at her baby's HEART. All the while he's going, "That's good. Very good." My stomach was clenching and a voice in my head said, "Gurl, why the HELL watching this?!" (Apparently one of the voices inside my head belongs to a black chick.) "You know this kind of shit makes you scared spitless!"
I could see the needle getting closer and closer to the baby. He took one jab and I could see the baby spasm, and I was getting nauseous at that point. How could anybody hurt an innocent baby?! It was too gross.
Then another voice in my head said, "And yet you juuuuuuust keep watching, ya dumbass!" Finally I yelled, "Shut up both of you! I'm trying to make myself sick watching something I have no business watching! And doing a fine job I might add!" GUH.
I kept thinking about that gross scene ALL DAY yesterday. And apparently I'm still thinking about it today. Sigh.

I tried to talk to Male Offspring #1 about attending college, but he's decided to attend "the School of Life." Any guesses as to how long it takes him to flunk out there, too? It's really difficult to get your offspring into a good school when his favorite activity is "setting fires. BIG fires."
He said he wanted to, "experience everything there is to experience in the whole wide world."
I think that's code for: laying on his ass watching cartoons all day.

I'm reading a book that instantly made me think of Zal. It's called Brazen by Carly Phillips. The heroine is a formerly rich chick who is marrying a stuck up, boring, rich dude to help her father's fledgling business interests. She takes off one week before the wedding to have a fling with a sexy stranger and winds up in a small town. She falls for the bartender, who is really a rich dude, subbing for a friend. It's very good, but the hero in the book just reminds me of Zal for some reason. And no, it's not because he's a bartender, too. It's about the way the guy acts.

Tuesday, August 16, 2005


El Cheapo sends this pic. If they have a male version of that card,
I'm sure it would read, "Sorry I told you that outfit makes you look fat."

Never fails. Right before my period,
I'm yakking a mile a minute, right after, I got nada to say. Sigh.
I think I'll run outside and snap a pic of the grass growing and call it an "update".

Ok I couldn't resist posting this one for the ladies.
If you're a butt fan and a cop fan, this one is for you.
Pics of COPS ASSES.
And I don't mean their donkeys either. And even more HOTT ass.

Female Offspring #1 told me she dreamt I had a baby.
Damn. I knew there was SOMEBODY I forgot to call when
I found out I was pregnant a couple months back. As Mother Goddess would say, "I
can't remember who I tell what to!" Stick that in your "Elements of Style" and smoke it.

Monday, August 15, 2005

how to be insensitive

(12 a.m.) Something I forgot to mention about Real L.A.P.D....some of these young cops need to learn to have a little respect for the elderly people they deal with. One said, "Hey, Pops, how long you been smoking marijuana?" Oy. The WORST was the cop who said, "I found two crack rocks on the old timer with the limp."

I was coming out of the shopping center with my gf Sunday afternoon and she's like, "Oh! Look! I found a penny. That means somebody in Heaven is thinking of me!"
I said, "Really? I thought it meant somebody else lost a penny..."

Oooh, I am sooooo PISSED at my neighbor's 7 year old kid. I'm on the way home from work yesterday and she calls over to me, "I have Mr. Jolly's Chocolate Factory. Wanna see?"
Do I wanna see? Does a drunk like alcohol? So I hotfooted it over there, only to find out that it was this.
DO YOU PEOPLE SEE CHOCOLATE ANYWHERE?! That's it!
The next time I see her tricycle laying in the middle of the road, I'm running right over it!
Gawd, I just hope it doesn't bend the frame of my Kia.

I took a quiz in a magazine, "What Career Are You Best Suited For?" Guess what career I was best suited for? Besides crack whore, I mean. A WRITER. Der. Where have you people been the last four and a half years?

Well, now I've seen it all. Amber Frey wants to give women advice about how they can bounce back from tough times. She even spoke in front of a small group who paid her. Yeah, let's think about this. Do we really want to be taking advice from a chick who slept with a complete stranger the very first night she met him? Advice from a woman who left her small child in a complete stranger's care the second day of their meeting? Oh that's right. She had already slept with him at that point, so I guess she figured she knew him rather well.
No thanks. I'll bumble through life taking a chance on my own intuition. Im kinda curious though as to what advice she'd really give about "bouncing back from tough times. Color me cynical, but I'm thinking get a makeover, be on Oprah and pimp a book about your tough times must be in there somewhere.

I was paging through the Enquirer yesterday in the checkout line and they have this column "by" Anna Nicole. They don't SAY that it's written by her--that would no doubt be a lie--but they insinuate it is by the way it's written. That chick can't even string two coherent sentences together most times, so I'm finding it really difficult to believe she writes a weekly column that's AT LEAST eight paragraphs long. One column would tax her fried brain for a year or more.

I also read that Jennifer Wilbanks--the runaway bride chick--dumped two previous fiances via phone--her current one is probably wishing she did the same. She has also been arrested for shoplifting three times. Jennifer would be dumb to let him slip through her fingers. How often do ya find a guy so gullible that he's still willing to marry you after you made an ass out of him for all the world to see?

There was a woman in Rio de Janeiro who was shot during her own funeral. A gunfight broke out between drug dealers across the street from the cemetery where the woman was being buried and one bullet penetrated the casket and lodged in the woman's pelvis. Of the incident, her sister said, "This is just too sad. To get shot after death is horrible." Hmmm, I tend to disagree. To get shot BEFORE death would be horrible. Once you're dead, it's pretty much a moot point.

Sunday, August 14, 2005

speaking strictly for me we both could have died then and there

Since my DNS hasn't propagated I shall update over here for now. (And yes, that's dirty talk for you computer nerds.) If you've sent me an email in the last 24 hours or so, resend because of the whole dns propagating thingy.

Ok I couldn't resist posting this one for the ladies.
If you're a butt fan and a cop fan,
this link is for you
That's right. Pics of COPS ASSES!!!
And I don't mean their donkeys either.
Even more hot cop ass

Well now I've seen it all. I now know that if I ever get bored or just don't feel like updating about how I don't want to update, I can always post a pic of a bouquet of flowers and THAT will count as an update.
http://www.mikesouth.com/index.htm
Hmm, I just found a picture of a pile of Holly's doo doo in the backyard...
*rubs chin thoughtfully*

I am now collecting short stories for my new book, "How To Make Money Without Even Trying." Please submit your true stories of how YOU made money without even trying, so I can publish them and make money...without even trying.

A big "hi de ho" to all my New Zealander readers--and I know I have a bunch.
Will somebody please tell me what a git is? I don't know what it is, but I'm sure it's not complimentary.

A thought occurred to me yesterday while watching Dora the Explorer.
I wonder how Dora lucked into such a cool job?
I'd like to get one of those tv explorer jobs for myself. Speaking of Dora, it was bad enough when I had to see the CBS or ABC logo in the corner of my screen, but during Dora they had the CBS logo, the Nick Jr. logo AND the E/I logo...and I have no idea what that last one even is. Puhleeze, tv execs, do you think you could clutter up the bottom of our screens a tad more? Maybe run a continual advertisement for tampons or douches?

I fear Beater is falling prey to what I refer to as "Sexy Friend Syndrome," NOT to be confused with "Hot Nanny Syndrome," which is what Jude Law and Robin Williams suckered for. Beater has been talking about how his new girlfriend thinks Tim Case is hot and NOW he's going to show her pics of South. Is the boy CRAZY OR WHAT?!
"Sexy Friend Syndrome" is simply this: DON'T HANG AROUND WITH SAME SEX FRIENDS WHO ARE SEXIER THAN YOU ARE!!! I'm NOT saying that Tim Case is hotter than Beater, cuz we all know Beater's hot, too, I'm simply saying that when your gf is dumb enough(?) (naive enough?) to let you know that she thinks one of your guy friends is a hunka hunka burnin' love nothing good can come of it. For YOU, anyway. Danger, Will Robinson, danger.
I reiterate, you always want to hang out with same sex friends
who are ugly (-ier than you are) because if you don't--and ladies, back me on this, you KNOW it's true--if YOU are the ugly one, sooner or later you will get sick & tired of sitting there watching them get hit on all the time while your hottest dates are with your vibrator. Oh sure, you'll laugh and you'll ACT like you think it's cute as you nurse your drink and watch your gf get all the action, but inside you'll want to grind your liquor glass into her forehead.
And yes, I realize that for some of my friends reading this, *I* am that ugly friend. To this I say, BITE ME!! I love you guys!

Gawd, I wish they'd stop putting those stupid little stickers on every piece of fruit. If I eat ONE MORE OF THEM by mistake, I'm gonna scream.

I finally got to see Real L.A.P.D. and Real Miami Cops yesterday afternoon, as the Discovery Channel was running several back to back eps of each. Real L.A.P.D. has THEE WORST background music--if you can call it that without breaking a rib laughing. When they're trying to make the scenes seem more suspenseful, they have like three notes of music that they play that just keep getting higher and higher and louder and louder. UGH.
Beethovan should have been so lazy.
They were doing an undercover operation on Real L.A.P.D. and they had one male officer hang out along a certain stretch of road where male prostitues were often found. One male 'tute started to follow after the undercover officer, then changed his mind and turned back around to his car. Another cop watching the scene started laughing and said, "He needs to walk a little sexier, I think."

Saturday, August 13, 2005

now i see you standing with brown leaves falling all around and snow in your hair

I never liked Tony Little in his exercising infomercials,
and I like him even less in that stupid GEICO ad.

Goddess' Hot(t) Cop O'The Week Award goes to: Officer Israel Carrasco
of the Corpus Christi, Texas Poleece Department because he's hottttttt.

The FDNY has released oral histories of 9/11 from firefighters and EMS people.
If you go to this site, you can read some of the comments from the firefighters as to what happened on that day, and from that link you can also read EMS comments and access the dispatch tapes.
Even now that there' s distance between 9/11 and today, it's difficult to listen to and read.

WOW. I lasted a whole 18 hours not looking at my stats.
That's GREAT....well, until you consider that 6 of those were spent sleeping and 11 were spent at work.

Sigh. Zal sent me a picture of a former stalkee who has....um...plumped up a bit. He said it was all part of his evil plan to have me stalk only him. Personally, I think it was all part of his evil plan to burn out my retinas.

So we had another one of those dumb "ways to improve things at work" meetings today. I suggested that instead of having a "Take Your Son or Daughter To Work Day" next year, we have a couple "Take a Sexy Stud to Work Days." Why, oh why are my great ideas always shunned?!

Friday, August 12, 2005

you're smiling out the window of that crummy hotel over washington square

WE'RE MOVING!! That's right. The World of Goddess is moving to a new server.
I don't think any of you people realize the long, painstaking hours it takes to move an entire site..............
I don't either.
I'm just waiting for email from South telling me that all his
long, painstaking hours of work are over and we're good to go.
I have to confess. He makes a great webhost.
(Actually I think he does all the work cuz
he's afraid I'm gonna f*ck something up. He knows me so well.)

Yikes. I thought *moi* was sadly lacking in the tact department. I was talking to my boss last week about the chick who fills in for me when I'm off. I said that her constantly calling me to remind me about things that needed done was getting on my nerves. After all, I've been doing the job for three years+, she's been doing it for three months+. She said she had the same problem with her, that she calls the boss EVERY DAY to tell her what she during her shift.
During the conversation, I said, "Well, I wish I could find a polite way of telling her to stop calling me all the time. I don't want to hurt her feelings, but I know what has to be done. I don't need her micro-managing me." Last week she called me THREE TIMES to tell me the same thing, and on Friday when I went back to work she called me again to tell me the same crap she told me the other three times!
The boss said, "Don't worry. I'll talk to her about it." I thought, yeah, I'd love to know how you're gonna talk to her about calling me, when you haven't even figured out how to get her to stop calling YOU all the time!"
Anywho, another co-worker called me last night about something totally unrelated to work and she mentioned that the boss told this person to "stop calling (...me...) and bothering her with stupid shit all the time!" Oy. That was tactful.

South writes: "miracle whip? MIRACLE WHIP?
you grow a nice garden grown tomato and you put THAT shit on the
sandwich? you may as well mix miricle whip and ketchup and make a
sandwich
out of it...it will taste just as bad....
try hellmans...you will toss that miricle whip shit for ever...for gods
sake its mostly sugar
When I told him I HATED mayonnaise, he said,
"damn and I thought I was teaching you some culture....I guess the only
culture you have is on the year old ding dongs at the bottom of the
trash can next to yer puter LOL."
Sigh. I do NOT eat year old ding dongs out of the trash can near my computer. And it appalls me that you would say that. What are my many, many NEW readers going to think?!
That I'm some sort of a who snuffles through the trash for food?
I'll have you know, I eat year old PEANUT BUTTER CUPS out of the trash, not ding dongs!
And ONLY after I blow on them to clean off any dirt or fuzz.
As for the "..its mostly sugar" comment, does the dude forget who he's talking to or what?
Of COURSE it's mostly sugar. I wouldn't be eating it otherwise!
And in my defense, I didn't grow this tomato....mine are STILL GREEN!

I'm going to do something I've never done in the course of the last four years+ of having my site. In keeping with this "letting go of the need" spirit, I will not check my stats for an entire seven days!!!
This is BIG, people. This is like saying I'm not going to read my email for an entire week.
Yes! I am that addicted.
(Gawd, my stomach is a swirling eddy of anxiety already.)
I shall begin today August 12th.

When I was quoting song lyrics that stay in your head long after the song has disappeared from the charts and the radio, I forgot the first lines to "Diamonds & Rust," which I've always loved.
"Well, I'll be damned. Here comes your ghost again."

Thursday, August 11, 2005

turning saints into the seas

I've thought long and hard about this whole cops controversy (gawd, I heart drama)
and I've decided to take your words to heart......and write for MYSELF.
SCREW changing for other people!!! Total anarchy and all that crap.
That being the case, WARNING: COPS reference ahead!!
I'd like to see COPS film in more small town settings, like my own, but I don't think anything exciting happens here. Like yesterday morning, at 4 am the cop was outside the bank near the soda machines trying to decide between Coke or Pepsi.
And while it WAS thrilling to watch tight pants stretching over even
tighter ass when he him bent over to get the
can and retrieve his change from the slot, I don't think that
would transfer well to a COPS segment. Damn well made my day though.
ALTHOUGH: "COPS in Tight Pants", Vol 3 has a good ring to it, doesn't it?
BTW, he chose Coke. Regular. The suspense pert ner killed me.

Well, yesterday was "thee day."
Yep, did the Mom thing and took the offspring shopping for school supplies.
It's always a joy to spend time with the children.
Ok ok, I gave them each $20 and a bus schedule, and dropped
them off at Dollar Bargain, then swung by the liquor store.
11 of them made it home ok. Male Offspring #4 ended up in Cawker City, Kansas
to have his picture taken in front of
the world's largest ball of sisal twine--now in it's 50th year and STILL GROWING!
What can I say? He's always been a big twine freak. There's one in every family.
And yet another offspring is still standing in
the stationery aisle at Dollar Bargain trying to decide between the SpongeBob Square
Pants folder or the Lindsay Lohan folder. Puberty is a bitch isn't it?
Male Offspring #2 was the ONLY ONE bought school supplies. Most of them spent their money on video games, Male Offspring #4 spent his on a one way bus ticket to Kansas and right now he's trying to figure out how to use that to get back home--hey, nobody ever said he was the brightest Crayola in the box. And I was super pissed at Male Offspring #1, who spent his money on a can of kerosene,
matches and the book, The Complete Idiot's Guide to Arson.
I said, "Now what are you going to do for school supplies, smart guy??"
At which point he turned, punched Male Offspring #2, and took all of his school supplies.
Damn, he's a quick thinker.

One of Female Offspring # 7's friends told her that her mother reads to
her every night during "mother/daughter quality time".
(I just hate these overachiever parents. If she spent her time drinking and smoking like the
rest of us, we'd all be much better off. And why can't these mothers ever learn from me? Why must I constantly be adopting THEIR bad habits?? Gawd, isn't it Queen
Oprah who says a mother needs to learn to put herself FIRST?! There ya go.)
Well it made me feel kind bad....
when I realized that this "mother/daughter quality time" was now
going to cut in on my drinking and smoking!!
So last night I pulled FO #7 into bed with me last night, cuddled up and read her a
chapter of "The Essential Writer's Companion."
Then we had a lively discussion on subordinate clauses.
I feel so much more June Cleaver-ish now.

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

this is the story of a girl who cried a river and drown the whole world

Happy 6th Birthday to Zal's doggie. Woof woof.

Someone who shall remain anonymous wants to know what it means when a chick bites and scratches during sex. Ideas, ladies? I'm guessing it either means her father is a grizzly bear or she's really into it.

Ok I know this has been up forever, cuz SOMEBODY is getting lazy about his updates again, but it's too funny. Check out TimCase's post about the mountain lions, dated July 16th (ya slacker!), then read the comments section. The 5th one is hysterical! They didn't leave a name so I have no idea who posted it.

Well now I'm just firmly convinced that the best way to meet a cop is to make your bank deposits at 4 a.m. Remember I told you Mr. G was stopped by the 'burly' cop (LOL!) when he attempted to make a deposit before work at 3:30 a.m.? Well, I had to take him to work this morning and on the way back I stopped to make a deposit. Who's strolling around the plaza, Coke in hand? The cop.
Unfortunately for me, at 4 a.m. all I can manage is "morning."

Ooooooo I have reached food Nirvana.
Last night I had TWO FRESH TOMATO sammiches for supper.
(Yaya, I was too lazy to cook. Shuddup.)
There's nothing like that first garden FRESH tomato sammich smeared with Miracle Whip.
Sandwiches made with those pinkish, fake greenhouse 'maters don't count.
You know, the ones that taste as bad as they look.

Dirty Bob has informed me that I need to update my interviews. All of 'em. Puhleeze.
It was hard enough getting most of the people to answer questions the first time around. And the last chick I asked SAID she'd be happy to do an interview, then changed her mind and didn't even have the decency to email me back and tell me. Pffffffffft.
At this point in time, I prefer to shove bamboo shoots under
my fingernails, thank you very much.

In her blog, Nina Hartley writes: "Sunday, I gave my fellatio workshop...."
In her blog, Goddess writes: "Sunday I laid around in my raggety underwear reading cop romance novels and working on jigsaw puzzles, all the while yakking on IM." HA! Who's boring NOW, Nina?! Who's boring NOW?

Ya know the first time Luke Ford talked about liking Air Supply, I thought SURELY he was being sarcastic. Unfortunately. He's. Serious. I'm beginning to see why this wife thing isn't panning out for him. Hates going down on a chick but loves Air Supply? Talk about your skewed priorities.
In his blog, he says this about the band, " As with all those who articulate a higher way of loving, they are easy to make fun of." Dude, they're easy to make fun of because they suck. No need to get all mystical about it.

I'm sorry but I just CANNOT fathom what lawmakers were thinking when they allowed motorcyclists to drive without helmets. Motorcycle deaths are increasing and Congress is going to waste 3 freaking MILLION dollars to figure out why. Puhleeze. Motorcyclists who are in favor of the no helmet law say it's inexperienced new cyclists who are the problem.
I don't give a crap WHO is to blame, if your head hits the cement going 35 MPH nothing good can come of it. I've never heard a good reason yet as to why they shouldn't have to wear them. Sorry, but "to feel the wind blowing through my hair" just doesn't cut it for me. I don't enjoy having the circulation in my boobs being cut off by my seatbelt, but I wear it. And just like wearing a seat belt is part of being a responsible vehicle driver, wearing a helmet should be part of the cyclist's responsiblity, too. One guy told me it was "his business" to not wear a helmet. Really? Because if you wreck into me and die, that's going to be on MY conscience too, so as long as you're on the highway amid other drivers, it's not just YOUR business.

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

he man woman haters club

This is just something that's been on my mind for a few days now. (Relax, Zal, it's not about you;)
I post to several forums, and the majority of the people are quite nice on all of them. But there is one chick--I'll call her BoorishChick--that does something that bugs me. BoorishChick will come to one of the forums I post on, and talk about HER forum, her NEW forum that only a select few, by invitation only are allowed to know about. She'll laugh about and mock those people she SAYS are emailing her wanting to join her elite little "island."
Yeah. We're just all DYING to see it.
I mean, why do you have to keep coming over to Forum A to remind people they have messages on Forum B? If Forum B is so damn exciting, they wouldn't need reminders. Or as someone else suggested, why doesn't BoorishChick just email them privately? Now this sort of childish behavior takes me back to when you're kids and you have a clubhouse. You know how it goes. You're with your friends and the groove is fine. Some NuKid comes along with a boss complex and decides she's going to shake everything up and when that doesn't work, she decides she's going make her OWN clubhouse,
and only the kids she wants are allowed to join.
That is so second grade. Her behavior is nothing short of rude. Which is kinda ironic because I think that's why BoorishChick started her own forum--she didn't like the behavior of some of the people on our forum.

And may I just say that it's a hell of a lot easier to add a picture to blogger than it is to Live Journal!!

Monday, August 08, 2005

picture perfect

Cowboy sends this pic...
I found the search feature on my DISH remote yesterday. I just type in the name of a show and it searches for it and tells me what station and time it will be on. Cool. Hey, I've only had this DISH
for two years +. You can't expect me to find EVERYTHING at once.

I received my Hitachi Wand today. (Yeah that's the REAL reason I haven't updated much. )
The speed is great, but the one thing I thought I wasn't going to like about it, I don't. I don't care for the HUGE head on the vibe. I'm used to the smalled L-shaped vibes with smaller heads. I see the newer models have a few attachments, but they need to develop a much smaller head so we can direct it precisely where we want it to go. I was upset when I found out the package only cost $4.55 to mail and they charged me $15 for shipping, but when I emailed the company they gave me a refund on some of the shipping, which was good on their part.

DAMN THAT DOG!! Holly wanted to go outside this morning and I wasn't dressed, so I grabbed one of those bath towels and wrapped it around me. It's raining so I put her on the chain, and stepped out to make sure the bedding in her igloo wasn't getting wet and SON OF A BITCH if she didn't grab the towel and give it a yank! That sucker dropped like a STONE. Thank God I had the smarts to make sure no one was around BEFORE I stepped out.

Sunday, August 07, 2005

its the end of the world as we know it and i feel blah

Crickett writes: "I love the fact that you update all the time. Sometimes, it's not even
often enough for my liking, but I'm pushy and demanding. I check your
site usually twice a day to see if anything new has gone up.
(Oh, and I
did write all about House of Pies for you, but the only mention I saw
was you taking issue with the fact that the apple pie was not a la
mode. Since the other two fruit pies *were* a la mode, it was easier
to
take some of the rapidly melting ice cream from one of the other plates
and combine it with a bite of apple pie. And the cheesecake was
divine.) So there."
Thanks for the email. I'm now willing to forgive you for LEAVING THE EAST BEHIND!!
BTW, have you ever had chocolate cheesecake??? I was at a restaurant recently and they had regular cheesecake and chocolate. I KNOW I like regular so I was afraid to blow my one dessert choice the chocolate, just in case I didn't like. Lemme know if it's good. I like the Philly cheesey taste to it and I'm afraid chocolate will override that. And yes, Crickett did have a very good account of her visit to the House of Pies, which was why I made sure to have some apple pie on hand while reading it. Without the ice cream...cuz I'm allergic...damn it!

Ok as far as the site goes, here's the deal. South and Zal and Keith have all at some point said, "Stop talking about the cops you think are cute."
Or as Keith said, "i don't care if they cream your pants i don't want to hear it"
I WANT people to feel free to say "this is what I like" or "this is what I don't like" about the site, cuz I don't want to keep doing something that isn't working. I'm not trying to be argumentative here.
(Cuz Zal's probably sitting there right now going "why the HELL did I tell her the truth?!)
BUT let me just say one thing.
Zal, South, Alex (sorry i'm dragging you into this too even though you indulge me in my madness:), TimCase, Keith, Jerry and a couple other male writers of blogs that I read ALL TALK ABOUT WOMEN THEY THINK ARE HOT!!!!!! EVERY ONE OF THEM.
Some of them even talk about the married woman down
the street they'd like to hump, don't they, Keith? And even though talk of other chicks bore me to death (unless I know them), I return to read their sites day in and day out, so I want one of you guys to tell me what the difference is between me talking about cute cops and them talking about cute chicks?? I honestly don't see a difference.
I'm failing to believe that people won't return simply because I'm talking about cops.

OK Zal and I had a conversation this morning about how I've been writing my site for four and a half years and have barely a handful of readers still. He suggested I not update as much. Ok, I'm not really sure how NOT updating will get me more readers than UPDATING will, but it has kind of a "people like you more when you're not around" feel to it. Sigh. Anywho, I'll let ya know when he wakes up and answers my email in which I asked him to expound on his theory.

The reason I update frequently is simple: when I started my site, I thought about the websites that I read often, like Luke Ford's, and at the time, Gene Ross', and what it was that attracted me to those sites. The thing that I liked was that they were updated OFTEN. So that's why I tried to do the same. But that hasn't worked for me.

BTW, while posting that I haven't updated counts as an update, posting about how I'm not going to update as often does NOT count as an update.

hey y'all prepare yourself for the rubberband man

Goddess' Hot(t) Deputy O' The Week Award goes to: Sgt. Brian Witt of the Pierce County Sheriff's Department, South Hill Precinct. As always there is no monetary value to the award, just the joy that comes from knowing YOU. ARE. A. HOTTIE!!

I can't help it. That Pittsburgh COPS ep makes me laugh everytime I see it. I should know, I've seen it about five times now. It shouldn't make me laugh, but I'm a sicko, what can I say? A guy is threatening to jump from the 6th Street Bridge and you can almost hear the cops thinking,
"Jump, damn it! It'll make for a GREAT episode!! Much better than that whole "lecturing the prostitute segment" they already filmed."
His sister, complete with horrible "Picksburgh" accent and all, is standing on the ground yelling, "I love you, Charles! Mom loves you, Charles!" as she goes through this litany of names, apparently relatives of JumperCharles'. If that was me on the bridge, my sister would be, "I love you! Mom loves--weeeeell not so much Mom, and to be perfectly honest you've been getting on my nerves big time lately, too."

Last weekend, a young woman who lived across the street from my parents hung herself in the backyard. I knew her in-laws very well from church and I knew her husband. She had a 4 year old daughter and was pregnant again. According to the paramedics who were at the scene, she argued with her husband then went outside to 'cool off', and she ended up hanging herself instead. I'm sure anyone who reads my site regularly knows that I live in a small town, the largest city closest to me has a population of 6k, so my 'burb is small. As so often happens in a small town, when someone commits suicide, their name is mentioned in the paper under the death notices, but the family doesn't have an indepth write up about them. [A simple "died at home" is all that's necessary in the obit.] I don't know why this is, but I think a lot of it is shame on the part of the family, for whatever reason, and the hope that no one will find out "how" their loved one died. Kind of the "if we don't talk about it, it will go away" attitude. Unfortunately, the whole neighborhood (and then some) usually knows the same day. I saw this girl's mother-in-law at the store yesterday and I told her how sorry I was to hear about her daughter-in-law's death and when she started to "Well...she...um.." I immediately stated that she lived near my mother, and asked about the grand daughter so that she didn't feel like she had to explain because I already knew. I asked if the funeral was going to be held at our church because there was no obit in the paper and she said, "Oh no, the family doesn't want anyone to know." As I walked out of the store, I kept thinking how sad that attitude was. Here was a woman who had 24 years of accomplishments and they wouldn't even be acknowledged at the end, simply because of the way she died. It doesn't seem quite fair to her.

I saw this card at the store and it IMMEDIATELY made me
think of Zal, and I don't know if that's good or bad....
"I watched an ant climb a blade of grass this morning. When he reached the top, his weight bent the blade down to the ground. Then, twisting his thorax with insectile precision, he grabbed hold of the next blade. In this manner, he traveled across the lawn, covering as much distance vertically as he did horizontally, which amused and delighted me. And then, all at once, I had what is sometimes called an "epiphany," a moment of heightened awareness in which everything becomes clear. Yes, hunched over that ant on my hands and knees, I suddenly knew what I had to do........................quit drinking before noon."

Today is the first day of the used book sale at the library. It runs all month so I'm planning to zip down there on Monday. It's a small community library, but they get TONS of NEW romance novels at these sales. I'd go today, but like I said, it's a small library--one room--so I'll wait and hit it up on Monday, when it's usually pretty quiet.

That's it. I'm not growing diddly next year except for zucchini. I've thrown away about six tomatoes already and they're not even ripe yet! They're green but they have black asses!! I don't remember this shit happening when I was at home and we canned 80 bachillion jars of spaghetti sauce and tomato juice. Oh, how I would have LOVED a tomato blight back then! Ok South told me I have Blossom End Rot. Sigh. I thought I just had a big ass. Turns out I have both. Anywho, I looked it up on the 'net and it says that comes from not watering the plants evenly--too wet then too dry. Growing stuff is too complicated.

Martha Stewart's home confinement was extended for three more weeks. Apparently Ms. Thang violated the terms of her home confinement, the only exceptions of which are "48 hours a week of employment, food shopping, doctor appointments and church." The press is speculating that perhaps Martha attending yoga classes and riding an off road vehicle around her estate is what got her ass in trouble. I think home confinement is a LUXURY that many people in jail for petty crimes would be thrilled to have, and if some ungrateful schmuck fucks it up they should be sent back to jail to serve out the remaining time on their extension. Celebrities included.
It just proves that Martha is still very smug about her celebrity and in her thinking that it places her above the law. I sense she's being pious with her "I've learned so much from being in jail" bullshit so she can sell her upcoming book. Obviously she hasn't learned a whole hell of a lot.

Saturday, August 06, 2005

what cha gonna do when they come for you

Word is that COPS is filming in Pittsburgh on the Northside.
I told Female Offspring #1 to drive over there and do something outrageously stupid but newsworthy.
But nothing that would increase her car insurance rates!!!

Damn. I miss out on all the good scandals. Seems the rumor mill is saying Rob Thomas formerly of Matchbox 20 allegedly had sex with Tom Cruise and was caught by Thomas' former wife. Of course both guys deny it, but it was said that Thomas' wife was paid off and Cruise's thugs immediately went on the lookout for a hot romance--enter Katie Holmes, who supposedly agreed to go along with the stupidity. Oh for Pete freaking sake, if Tom is gay why doesn't he just admit it? You know, for reasons other than because he's afraid he'll lose gazillions from the heterosexual female movie goers. If he has been lying all this time, apparently his integrity doesn't mean much to him.

Earlier this evening while reading "Chicken Soup for the Chicken's Soul," I thought, "Why didn't they ever come out with "Chicken Soup for the Dummies' Soul"? Or "Chicken Soup for the Asshole's Soul?" "The Dickhead's Soul" Or even "The Bastard's Soul"? There's a whole untapped market, and since they seem to have run the gamut of professions and people, the guys who slap those books together while getting other people to do the actual writing might want to consider my suggestions.

Our neighbor works at the bank, and when I was making a deposit yesterday, I commented on the fact that the 'hood is so quiet when I'm home during the day because everyone else is gone. She informed me that her daughters were, in fact, home every day. I said, "I never see them or hear them." She said, "Oh, they're not allowed outside." One is in the third grade and the youngest is starting first.
I said to Mr. G, "Can you imagine the mind blowing essay they're going to
write when the teacher says, "Tell me what you did this summer?!"
"I got up at noon, ate, watched tv, ate, watched tv, watched tv, watched tv,
ate, napped, ate, watched tv, watched tv, watched tv..."
"A's" all around!
How BORING to spend eight and ten hours stuck in the trailer.
What people won't do to save a few bucks on babysitting.
Maybe I'm just an overprotective wuss, but I would be terrifed to
let kids that small alone five days a week for 8-10 hours.
If you're five when you're in kindergarten, I'm guessing the oldest is 8 or 9.
So she has a 9 year old in charge of a 6 year old. The amazing thing is that the older
kid hasn't tried to flush the younger kid down the toilet ONCE! Damn.
My mind BOGGLES at the amount of trouble they could get into, though.
My offspring would have the trailer burned down faster than
you can say, "Grab the gas can and stand back--this'll be really funny."

Michelle Branch has named her new baby GIRL, Owen. Way to go.
One more kid who's gonna need therapy when it gets older and
one more kid that needs "kick me" embroidered on her jumper.

WORDS OF WISDOM:
Officer Faith Yokus (talking about kids who overdosed after the police told them about bad drugs):
"...all the things we tell them not to do, it only makes 'em want to do it even more."
Officer Boscorelli: "We should tell 'em not to read."

Friday, August 05, 2005

come back to texas

Bowling for Soup needs to get a new sound. Their song "Ohio (Come Back to Texas)"
sounds VERY similiar to their old song, "1985."

Sometimes it's just too easy. Mr. G commented that Holly has been in her igloo more and more lately. He said, "I wonder what she does in there all day?" He said it with that serious tone of voice, too like he was really thinking about it. I said, "Well, the last time I checked she was crocheting this cute little baby bunting."

Ya know, it's amazing how the nuns really do a number on your head. The minute I saw the word "Middlesex," on Alex's LJ, I immediately remembered the time we had to memorize Paul Revere's ride in the SIXTH GRADE. Anybody who has ever been to Catholic School knows nuns are HUGE on memorization. I STILL remember a good bit of it, but especially this part, "One if by land, and two if by sea;
And I on the opposite shore will be, Ready to ride and spread the alarm Through every Middlesex village and farm."
And yet I can't remember how many offspring I took to the mall with me...

justify my love

People, people, people. You have not lived until you've attended a Christian Spelling Bee during Vacation Bible School week. I've long felt that the standard, "Could you use that word in a sentence, please?" was merely a stalling tactic for stupid kids, who refuse to admit the inevitable. NOW I know for sure. When I heard that little punk say, "Could you use the word "Moses" in a sentence, please?" I knew my cynical thinking was correct. Yeah, here it is: "Spell the word "Moses" before I part the red seat of your pants with my foot, ya little Christian slacker!"
BTW, I thought the whole idea of Vacation Bible School was to give the PARENTS A VACATION!!

I saw Kathy Griffin's My Life on the D List today on Bravo. I LIKE it, but ONLY because I like Kathy and I like her husband Matt. He's a hottie and they have good, genuine rapport. I don't necessarily like the show because they're breaking any new ground, by any means. It's typical celebreality stuff. BUT they're both interesting and funny, and they don't take themselves so seriously like a certain Whitless and Bobby. I have often thought that Kathy is what Joan Rivers COULD have been, had Joan been pretty, funny and talented. I just don't think that Kathy is going to get with the A list people by making fun of them cuz most of them seem to take themselves VERY seriously. I LMAO when she said she liked Oprah but she couldn't help but make fun of her because "she thinks she's Jesus." And I loved it when she talked about Madonna going on Oprah to discuss the Kabbalah. Madonna said something along the lines of it being about karma, "if you're good to people, they might be good back to you." Kathy said, "She had to get religion to learn to not be an asshole? Most of us learned that in the first grade. It's called the Golden Rule."
When Kathy was trying to get contact numbers from a few stars at a charity event for her upcoming Toys For Tots event, one of the chicks from the O.C. gave her her PUBLICIST'S number. Kathy said, "I get it. I get it. I'm not supposed to call her at home." I like the fact that she says what a lot of us are thinking.
On the show before the D List, they ran some of Kathy's standup. She was talking about Oprah and her "frrrrrriend" Gayle and laughed about how Clay Gakin does interviews saying how hard it is for him to meet a nice gal. Again, she says what everybody else is thinking.

Thursday, August 04, 2005

say that remember dancing in september

I got a kick out of this comment by Mike Ramone on AVN's blog in a story about one of their female writers who was covering a story for the mag, and was "groped" by the director while on set. Mike writes: "Just the other day, another female AVN writer went to another set to cover it and tells me she was allegedly groped by a male director (he knows who he is, so no need to embarrass him publicly, though if he denies the allegation, he might want to contact me)."
No need to embarrass him publicly??? DUH.
It's the mere fact that no one IS embarrassing him publicly that allows him to get away with this inappropriate behavior. Whether their female writer is a 'big girl' or not, AVN should not stand back and allow this sort of treatment to continue to their employees. Naming him publicly and allowing him a chance to comment would have been a good first step.


Zal writes: "When I use that financial planner's advice, I just calculate how many beers it would cost.
Then I just go buy beer instead..."

El Cheapo sent me the link to a Yahoo story about a couple who purchased a trailer for $1.05 MILLION DOLLARS in Malibu, along with the comment, "Location. Location. Location." Rub my snout in it, why don't cha??
Out "there" they call trailers, "mobile villas." Whatever gets you through the night. In the East we call them "cheap air transportation." Anywho for $1.05 mill this couple got a 1971 trailer with NO LAND. They also have to pay anywhere between $800-$2500 a month for keeping their trailer on this "no land." They wuz robbed. When you buy a trailer, I'm sorry--a "mobile villa"--you always want to get that postage stamp size yard that goes with it. It would be like going to the House of Pies and ordering the apple pie WITHOUT the vanilla ice cream. UNHEARD OF. You always want that tiny yard that is just big enough to force you to shell out money for a lawn mower. This is usually because the Trailer Owners Association limits the amount of goats one can have in a trailer park. DAMN those rich, two goat families who were here before I was!!

Well I bit the bullet and purchased a Hitachi Wand. I say "bit the bullet" for two reasons. 1. It's much bigger than the vibrators I use and 2. The sucker cost $59 once they added shipping and handling! Mr. G had to work about 8 hours for this piece o'crap so it DAMN WELL BETTER deliver many, MANY screaming O's!!
I bought TWO Wahl vibes--the kind I usually use--and sent both of them back. They were both LOUSY. They were slower than my current vibe and she's on her last legs.
So to speak. If a vibrator was female. And had legs.

They have been advertising a show called the Golden Palace on Lifetime, saying it was a followup series to the Golden Girls. It starred all the same women except Bea Arthur, who got married at the end of the original series.. It also starred Cheech Marin as a chef in the hotel. For some odd reason, I just don't remember it at all. The show I saw was from 1992. It's written by all the same people. One question I have: if a series is doing well and you like doing it, why END the series only to start another one just like it but in a different setting?? So Bea Arthur left, big deal. That was no reason to end the whole thing.
They even use the same stupid theme song from the original show!

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

baby if you wanna be my lover you better take me home

Today we begin the 304th consecutive day of people saying, "Is it hot enough for you?" and "Its not the heat it's the humidity" in the East.
And may I just say that there's nothing I enjoy more than putting on my
makeup and sweating it off five seconds later.

New Scientist has called on readers to help suggest a name for the solar system's 10th planet. I submitted the name Urballs or Urcunt, to compliment Uranus.

Samantha Bee had a great line on the Daily Show yesterday.
She said, "He'll be all over you like a fat kid on a Smartee."

Damn IT. I finally get my tomatoes growing nicely and now some of them are rotting from the bottom. What the hell next?! Two years I plant them too late and this year I get them in on time and now they're rotting before they even turn red. Sigh. I think I need to stick with something like zucchini. NOTHING can kill that. Not even radiation fallout.

I see they are going to repair the Space Shuttle sometime this week. One of the astronauts will be dangling outside the shuttle to remove two pieces of filler material that are jutting out of the shuttle's underbelly. It was right about *HERE* that I was going to make a spackling/duct tape joke but evidently they ARE going to use DUCT TAPE in the repairs, so I shall restrain myself.

I hate those financial "experts" who harsh my mellow. The one says that every time you WANT to buy something, you should figure out how many hours you have to work for that item then decide if it's worth it. I started doing that a few weeks back, and other than sex, NOTHING is worth working for. Well, that HOTT COPS calendar is worth the sweat!! Anywho, I've come up with an ingenious method for getting what I want anyway. Since Mr. G and I pool all our money, I simply take the money for useless crap from HIS paycheck! For instance, just the other day I stood in the nail care aisle, asking myself if it was worth working 1/2 for a $3 bottle of nail polish. My instant response was "Does 'hell' go with 'no'?!" BUT I'm more than willing to let Mr. G work that much time for a bottle of nail polish. MORE than willing.

Cottonelle is having a contest in which you write a song about why your dog is a very special member of your family. Winner gets $200K towards a home make-over. Hell, I could BURN DOWN MY TRAILER and rebuild two or three at that price. I was all set to write about Holly stealing my maxi pads (with wings, damn it!!) but then I remembered, I can't sing. I thought it was an essay thingy. Boo.
I could have had new digs!! I could have started over by giving all my stuff to the poor(er). Then again, they've suffered enough. No use giving them my pee pee stained carpet or my urine stained couch or my wee wee soaked mattresses. Hmm, I'm sensing my family might have bladder problems....
I guess dragging it all out into the back yard and burning it would have been the only acceptable demise for it. Except the whole neighborhood will probably smell like...yeah, you guessed it, urine.

I was watching the shopping channel today because they once again featured my FAVORITE ITEM IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD--the chocolate fondue fountain. I wonder if the House of Pies has chocolate fondue fountains?? Anywho,the hostess said she was at a wedding and their cheap fountain began to overflow onto the table. Had I been there, I would have immediately LEAPED into action. I would have dropped to the floor, laid down on my back directly beneath the fountain and opened my mouth wide... Let the helping begin.