Sunday, July 31, 2005

don't tell me you adore me cuz all you're thinkin 'bout is fucking me

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
You guys have well and truly made this my BEST MONTH EVER
since starting my web site lo' so many years ago. Now just one thing.
If I log onto my stats at the end of August and the
totals are LESS than July's, I will personally hunt everyone of you
down like dawgs!!

It never fails. I'm flipping channels on Saturday afternoon and I catch about five minutes of that trainwreck known as Being Bobby Brown. Bobby is at a bar talking to another patron and the guy says, "Who are you? I know I should know you, but I don't." Bobby says, "I'm Bobby Brown." Doesn't ring a bell. "I wrote "My Perogative"...blah blah other songs he wrote. " Nope. Still drawing a blank. "I married Whitney Houston." And the guy immediately says, "Oooh now I know who you are!" Why doesn't the boy just have a t shirt made and save himself the trouble...and the shame.
I certainly hope Bobby doesn't have any more kids. He's got a girl named Bobbi and a son named Bobby. Apparently he's got a George Foreman complex goin' on.

Talking to Crickett about this whole House of Pies thing has me thinking about one dessert that I don't understand--or LIKE-- if you can believe that there's actually a dessert I don't like. Some pizza places around here take a pizza pie crust, then add apples, sugar and cinnamon or cherry pie filling, so it's like a fruit pizza. So it is good for you or not?! I don't have time for that bullshit. If I'm going to eat pizza,
it's going to be the kind that is gooey with cheese and the kind that clogs my arteries but good!

I never fail to lose it when I'm watching the South Park movie and they play "Uncle Fucker."
I LOVE the part where the chick says, "What garbage!"
And the guy says, "Well what do you expect? They're Canadian."

There was a 12 year old girl in Utah who narrowly escaped being kidnapped this week. She was VERY mature for her age. I saw her on CNN and she said that she remembered all the recent kidnapping stories that turned out badly and she fought back because she had "dreams I want to fulfill." She said she kept screaming and hitting and kicking the guy and finally he pulled over and told her to get out of the car. This is EXACTLY why my offspring are never kidnapped. If they were, the car would pick them up, drive two feet, then kick their asses to the curb. My offspring have what's called a high "irritability factor." That's the amount of time it takes for them to royally piss people off multiplied by the number of people they've royally pissed off. On a scale of 1-100, 1 being the lowest , 100 being the highest, all my offspring scored a 200.
What I did find rather weird about the kidnapping story was that the family requested CNN not use their last name. Then it showed the girl along with her entire family at a news conference.
Yep, nothing like maintaining your anonymity.

I saw a commercial for Urine Gone and it said, "If you order now, we'll send you enough Urine Gone to clean your entire house for only $19.99." I'm thinking, ya know, if your entire house smells like urine I would HOPE you'd do something to eradicate the smell other than sit back and wait for this stuff to arrive in the mail.

I read that Bush's approval rating has dropped to an all time low of 44%. What does
he care? Not like he's coming back for another term. And even if the country felt he was sooooo bad, they wouldn't impeach him because first the gubment would have to have a committee
study whether or not he should be impeached.
Then they'd have the impeachment hearings. Hell by that time he'd be long gone from office.

I love that commercial promoting the V Chip. It shows a mother locking out certain channels on her tv, then she's in the car driving to work, looking all happy because her kids are "safe" from the evils of seeing naked people. Oh puhleeze. Five seconds after she's out of the house,
the kids have probably figured out hot to override her lockout.

Hot damn it, I'm beginning to think everybody in the entire world (and out of it) DOES have high speed except for me. I heard on the news that one of the astronauts was emailing his daughter from aboard the space shuttle Discovery.

Sharon writes: "Goddess, you can't drive to Iraq. It's in the Middle East."
Sharon, Sharon, Sharon, once again I am APPALLED by the lack of geographic skills
my readers have (barely) achieved. You most certainly CAN drive to Iraq. You simply drive to Amman, make a sharp right (Or left, depending on which direction you're coming from) and you. are. there.


Hmm, while we're on the subject of the United Arab Emirates, I wonder what life for women is like there. Maybe one of my faithful UAE readers can email me and tell me.
If you won't get your hands chop ...chop...that is.

Saturday, July 30, 2005

so i go insane like i always do

Elcheapo writes: "Your post got me to thinking about how much it costs to buy OTC
valium. 20 cents USD equals 293IQD (Iraqi Dinars). That's probably,
like, a weeks salary over there.
Wasn't there a report a couple of years ago about how a McDonald's
happy meal in China (India? Pakistan? Russia?) cost a week/months
salary?
I caught some of that Oprah too and her attitude was kinda gross.
Take Care (hope all is OK with Mr G!)"
Thanks for figuring that out for me. I wasn't putting it in perspective, I immediately zoned out on the words TWENTY FREAKING CENTS?! AND O.T.C.??
She never said how much the average Iraqui makes, but I'm guessing the average Iraqui woman doesn't make shit because I don't think they work much outside the home now. They seem to be to afraid to leave their homes. I was just imagining all the US drug addicts hiking it over to Iraq for some cheap Valium all the while cursing about the high cost of American drugs. Iraq will become to senior citizens what Canada used to be. "Gas up the car, honey! It's time to go to Iraq to pick up our prescriptions for the month..."

Zal writes: "Ya should know better than to watch Oprah by now...*
*(QVC as well)
In my defense, I was at work!! Hmmm, not such a good defense, huh?
Actually I like watching those sorts of show to see how women around the world DO live, because as it was brought up on the show, I think we're rather ignorant about foreign people and their life situations. But it pisses me off when they have a negative attitude of us. But that's ok, cuz I'm thinking rather negatively of the Kuwaiti chicks right about now. I just wish they would have said how much gas was in Kuwait.

I forgot to mention about the Mexican actress they had on the show. She was built PERFECTLY, tall, thin and long legged. Anywho she says that women in Mexico don't exercise because their men "like curves." Then she said, "So if I want to eat that extra Taco, I can because I don't have to worry." Ok, FOR ONCE, I commend Oprah for calling this chick on her "no exercise" statement.
Oprah said, "Now I'm looking at you and I'm finding it hard to believe you don't do some kind of exercise. " The woman said, "Well, to be honest, I live in Mexico, Spain and America and I've picked up the American habit of exercising because you do care about taking care of your bodies here."
Yeah, don't be waltzing onto the show with a perfect
body and acting like it all happened by eating extra tacos!!! That won't fly here. We know better.

Crickett writes: "Paris Hilton should get a goddamn finger brace and shut the fuck up.
Perhaps if she had EVER lifted a finger doing something useful, the
strain of a big ol' ring wouldn't be so bad.
TWENTY CENTS A BOTTLE FOR VALIUM???? And it's OTC??? Perhaps it's
time I bought myself a bulletproof burkha and moved my ass to Iraq. Either
that or get myself a pen pal who likes to send packages...
A question: You said I should try cousins to the Pie family when
visiting House of Pies. I want to know, does cheesecake count? You
mentioned cake and cobbler, and I haven't a clue if they even serve
such things, but I know there's cheesecake. Which is kind of cake and pie
mixed, yes? Kinda?"
Whaaaa?? You don't know if they serve cake? Damn. Ok bidness people,
WE NEED A HOUSE OF CAKES!! PRONTO!!
And yes, Crickett, feel free to indulge in das cheesecake. As a matter of fact,
eating anything with the word pie or cake is not
only acceptable, it's pretty much mandatory!!

Friday, July 29, 2005

drowning in the sea of love where everyone would love to drown

Mr. G was in mighty good form last night.
I knew the minute he clapped off the lights that a good time would be had by all...

Sigh. Family. Sigh. I hate the way my family never cuts me a break. They REFUSE to see the goodness in me and they're always casting up my past. Like the time I was 14 and got a job. I thought earning my own money was a GOOD thing. I called it "being hard working and industrious," they called it "selling crack."
Ya know, there's just no pleasing some people.

The trailer for the movie Four Brothers looks really interesting. I'm anxious to see it come out on video....so I can procrastinate and rent it three years after the release date.

Oprah had an interesting show about women around the world. In several countries, she'd have a 30 year old woman talk about what life was like for women in her country. The royalty chick from Kuwait pissed me off. She comes on and talks about how everyone is wealthy in her country because the government takes care of them. All of their schooling--including college-- is free, as is their medical care. She talks about how they like to go shopping (ooooo big surprise.....rich women like to shop! film at 11!!) and how, "like most women in Kuwait" she owns her own fleet of cars--sure, gas is probably a nickel a gallon over there--and how she is having a huge new mansion built. THEN she goes on to say that she thinks American women are basically uptight and don't enjoy their life or live in the moment. She also said American women "don't apologize for working long hours." Well, gee, since most of us aren't born with a silver spoon wedged up our ass crack, we don't have much of a choice but to spend long hours WORKING TO SUPPORT OUR FAMILIES, PAY FOR OUR KID'S EDUCATION AND PAY OUR MEDICAL BILLS!!
Trust me, if someone handed me a million bucks and an endless credit card, I'd relax myself into a coma.

Speaking of spoiled rich bitches, Paris Hilton is allegedly complaining to friends that her 24 karat engagement ring is making her hand hurt because it's sooooo heavy. Well boo hoo. Cry me a river of as if we give a shit!!

On the same Oprah show today they discussed how many thousands of Iraqi women are now addicted to valium. It costs a mere TWENTY CENTS A BOTTLE and is available O.T.C. !!!
Lordy, the American women who are hooked on Valium are gonna be PISSED when they hear that. [It's like I've always said, it's a damn shame Americans don't even earn enough
money to support a good drug habit.]
Apparently the women are downing the Valium because things are worse than ever for them now in Iraq. They are afraid to leave their homes and are stressed because of all the bombing. A'fore ya know it, some idiot Kuwaity chick will be telling them they're all "stressed out" and "can't relax enough to enjoy life."


I don't like to think the home shopping channel hosts exaggerate, but today I was watching QVC and the chick was hawking a fake pearl ring. She said, and I quote, "This ring has been on every runway, every magazine, and on every celebrity." Yeah, uh huh. I'll bet.

Thursday, July 28, 2005

i did it guilty as charged

Wow. July 2005 is shaping up to be one of my best months EVER stat wise.
Whoa. If this keeps up, I'll end up using FIVE whole KB of bandwidth this month!!!!
(yeeeees, that's sarcasm)

Crickett writes: I'm sad to have to inform you House Of Pies does
indeed have "other" food on the menu. Non-pie food.
From what I've heard, the quality of said food is inferior to the
quality of the pies. Having had the pie and knowing that it is indeed
delicious, I highly doubt that I will be ordering from the other
sections of the menu. It seems to be the place where a good portion of
the clientele is Older People who fall into the Senior Citizen
category. Plenty of soft foods, then, open-face sammiches smothered in
gravy, mashed potatoes, and the like. If you truly desire, I can get
some of the Other Food as an experiment and report back to you on the
quality, especially as compared to the pie (though I admit that I'm
going in with the thought that any non-pie foodstuffs there are clearly
secondary not only to the customers but to the proprietors as well).
Speak your wishes, woman! Oh, and happy anniversary, good luck with
your new set of balls, and you should totally go for the greeting card
gig. The example you put up today convinces me that you have a knack
for it.
OTHER food?! Those bastards. Is nothing pure and sacred anymore?
This is almost as upsetting as the time I found out the Cheese House
was NOT, in fact, made of cheese! And that Cracker Barrel was NOT a place to purchase
Cracker Barrel cheese. Oh, my life has been full of many disappointments indeed.
Ok, Crickett, try something in
the pie cousin families, like....oh, I don't know....CAKE, maybe?? Or brownies?
Or even cobbler if the kitchen staff are that industrious in their baking endeavors.

Speaking of food, the last time Mr. G and I ate at our local Ryan's Steakhouse, the dessert table was A HUGE FREAKING MESS. What is it with pies and cakes, that people can't just scoop out a PRE-CUT piece without slopping it all over the dessert bar? And don't even get me started on a**holes who take not only their piece of cake, but the ICING off the NEXT piece of cake!!!!! (And yes, this also refers to the a**holes who take the cheese off other pizza slices along with theirs, too.)
Stab me in the heart, why don't you?!
And cheesecake slices that are about an 1/8 of an inch wide??
Who are we feeding that we need to ration it that suh-vere-ly??
So yes, if you were at a Ryan's Steakhouse within the last few months and saw a woman taking ten slices of cheesecake at one time, THAT WAS ME. I needed to take that many just to make
up the normal size slice I eat at home.

One of these days Holly is actually going to get the gist of the words, "That is NOT one of Holly's toys!!"
Yesterday she came running into the living room with a maxi pad in her mouth. Yes, the was the kind with wings, damn it!! If she had been moviong any faster, she would have taken flight.
She's mightly stubborn this dog o'mine. I tried reasoning, "You don't need that maxi pad as much as I do." I tried threatening, "GIVE. ME. THE. DAMN. MAXI. PAD. NOW."
(I thought surely making my voice go up on the word "NOW" would do it, but alas, it had no effect whatsoever.) And finally I tried the old, not as reliable as
I thought, "you give me the maxi pad, I'll give you the treat" tactic. The only problem is she keeps whatever she's pilfered covered with her paws, so that when I extend the treat, she grabs it and manages to keep her booty at the same time. Oh the cleverness of canines. I try to lure her away from the item, to put distance between her and it so I can make a mad grab for it,
but that doesn't work either. She picks it up and carries it with her, then lays down
on it again when she gets closer to me and the treat.
When Holly's chewing on her bone, all I have to do is say, "Can I have your bone?" and she immediately freezes, crouching low over said bone. You just know that's not going to end well.
She's every bit as fiercely protective of a maxi pad as she is her bone.

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

i just cant get you out of my head boy your lovin is all i think about

27.5 JULY 2005

Ok, let's just pretend the 27th is over and start anew.

(noonish) Crickett informs me that the House of Pies has valet parking. Yeah, I'm sure.
They probably realized early on no one would be able to walk the distance to their car after eating pies.
I'd be wobbling out to my car like a weeble. I'd probably have the belly of a weeble, too.
I just hope they don't have anything else on the menu because a House of Pies should be just that.
ALL PIES. Crickett, lemme know, will ya?

Mr. G and I had a really nice anniversary dinner yesterday. It's funny we were going to go out to eat for my birthday in May but it got really hot and humid, so we kept putting it off, thinking we'd go when it got cooler. We ended up going yesterday, the hottest day of the summer so far. Oy. Thank God for air conditioned restaurants.

I received my Miracle Ball Method in the mail yesterday.
Now the miracle will be keeping the balls away from Holly.
They're soft latex like the bigger exercise balls, but grapefruit size that
so they'll conveniently fit in Holly's mouth.
I've been experiencing a lot of hip pain at the joint in my back so
I'm hoping this will help alleviate that.
I did get a gas and a giggle out of one of the comments made about this system--keeping in mind you roll on the small balls to get the kinks out of your back and neck.
"You sit up feeling wonderfully relaxed. Then comes the unexpected: You glance at
your face in the mirror and notice that you look younger, prettier, happier."
If rolling on balls made women look younger, prettier and happier,
we'd be rubbing scrotum on our faces 24/7.


Ooo! Came up with another fabu idea for a greeting card.
This one is directed at mothers and daughters.
"Sometimes when daughters grow up, they have a hard time sharing their feelings
with their mothers. That won't ever happen to us, because you're adopted."
Damn. I get better and better at this every day.

theres you and me and all of the people and i don't know why i cant keep my eyes off of you

Bad news. Mr. G went to the doctors yesterday and for the second visit in a row his sugar has been elavated but his weight has been down. That means his pancreas is shutting down. Sigh. He does everything he's supposed to and if I were in his shoes, I'd be totally depresssed. He does tread an hour a day five days a week, lifts weights and does a lot of physical work at work. For the first two or three years after he was diagnosed with diabetes, he was able to keep his sugar low. His readings were in the 90's, now they're in the 140's. I keep hoping and praying SOMEONE will come up with a cure for this disease. I know damn well it won't be the pharmaceutical companies--there's too much money to be made for them by keeping people sick and treating the symptoms. Nope, it'll have to be some Chinese or Japanese herbal remedy I'm sure. The whole situation makes me feel really panicky and scared, and I just keep praying for a magic bullet. The pathetic thing is that I can't even discuss this with my family because my mother insists this is
"punishment" for me not going to church anymore. Catholic guilt certainly did a number on her.
Ok that's it for now. I'm not in the mood to be clever.

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

maybe millions of people go by but they all disappear from view cause i only have eyes for you

HAPPY 25TH ANNIVERSARY TO MY SWEETIE, MR. G!!!


To quote that cheesy Orleans' song:
I want you to know, after all these years
You're still the one I want whisperin' in my ear

You're still the one -- I want to talk to in bed
Still the one -- that turns my head
We're still having fun, and you're still the one

You're still the one -- that makes me laugh
Still the one -- that's my better half
We're still having fun, and you're still the one
You're still the one -- that makes me strong
Still the one -- I want to take along
We're still having fun, and you're still the one

Changing, our love is going gold
Even though we grow old, it grows new
You're still the one -- that I love to touch
Still the one -- and I can't get enough
We're still having fun, and you're still the one!!!

Hmmm, I'm very concerned. First, Tim Case posts that he and the Fifster are in need of a vacation, then Tim posts about what to do if you spot a mountain lion, then NOTHING, NADA, ZIP, ZILCH!! Put this information together and one can only surmise that Tim's is:
a. still in a vacation stupor and too lazy to update
b. worn out from having sex with a well rested Felicia Fox OR
c. now residing with his new Mountain Lion family

They showed one of my favorite 'tute stings on COPS last night. They arrested a grandfatherly type dude who wanted to know how long it would take for the citation process because he had to pick up his wife who was waiting for him at Wal Mart. The thing that REALLY gets me? He signed the damn waiver to be on tv. Unbelieveable.

Oh, those self righteous tabloid rags make me laugh. The headlines on the cover of one reads, "Jennifer (Aniston) Deserves to Know the Truth," a dig at Brad Pitts' rumored affair with Angelina Jolie. Like they give a flying fart about anything but selling papers.

Because my Wahl vibrator is in the final stages of death--right now it would be faster for me to use my fingers to get off than to use the vibrator--I went online to order another. I found them for a mere $10 at Amazon. Another site had them for $14 but I also noticed this other site was selling the Eroscillator, so I checked out their review. I have no respect for people that sell shitty sex toys at high prices and then lie about the reliablity and performance of the product just to make a buck. People work hard for their money and they should get the truth. I tried the Eroscillator and for $127 I damn well expected a screaming O. The only thing the Eroscillator had me screaming about was the fact that the flimsy little hard plastic heads kept coming off during use. And btw, who wants to pay that much money for hard, scratchy plastic parts?? The worse part about this vibrator was that for an electric vibrator, it had no power to it. Hell for that much money, I expect to peel myself off the ceiling after I use it. You can't go wrong with a Wahl. Ten bucks and you get nice soft latex parts. And a REAL screaming O.

Hot damn. Carly Simon has a new CD of oldies that sounds interesting. Does anybody own Moonlight Serenade? Let me know what you think. She's got two of my all time favorite songs, "In The Still of the Night" and "I Only Have Eyes For You" on this new cd. I have her "Torch" CD and that's another fabulous group of old oldies that Carly does so well. My fav on that one is "I Get Along Without You Very Well."

Monday, July 25, 2005

lights down you up and die

Ya know I STILL dream that stupid dream about South showing up at my trailer. (That's Mike South, not the ENTIRE South.)
You know, the one in which I totally panic and refuse to let him in?
I BLAME YOU, Beater!!

I can't WAIT for the day when I can pet Holly and with a clear conscience, say, "You're a good gurl," WITHOUT having to add the "when you wanna be" part under my breath.

(1 p.m.) My family is so screwed up in the head. I talked to my mother last night and she's been trying to get me to take some shirts with three quarter length sleeves from my oldest sister. I keep telling her to give them to Goodwill, which is what I always do with them after my mother wears me down from her overbearing insistence. I have enough junk that I don't wear now. She insists they're lightweight "for summer wear." I said, "Mom, why in God's name would I want to wear three quarter length sleeves during one of the hottest, most humid summers on record?!"
Her answer is a BIG CLUE as to why my family is so fucked up: "They make your arms look thinner." I swear to God if she thought stocking caps made your head look thinner, and wool scarves made your neck look thinner, we'd all be wearing them in July. It's all about the appearance, people. That's all my mother cares about.
Try being the ODDball in a family like that. Getting and maintaing
a sense of self isn't easy, let me tell ya.
She then went on to tell me that another one of my sisters wears them all the time for that very reason--the whole thinner arms thing.
(It's the old conformist trick, one of her most oft used tactics. "ALL of your other sisters do it, what's WRONG WITH YOU that YOU aren't doing it, too?")
There's only one problem with her equation: the sister she's talking about is short and at least 60 or 70 pounds overweight. I would think that making your arms look thinner at this point is the least of her problems. It's like trying not to
get your hair wet when you're drowning. What. is. the. point?
I said, "She can wear them all she wants. I have SUFFERED ENOUGH for not having a size 2 body and if I want to wear sleeveless shirts, you better believe I'm going to. Besides all she has to do is slap on some of that fake tanning stuff if she wants to make her arms look thinner." Where is it written that because you're not a skinny minnie you have to wrap up in swaddling clothes in the dead of summer?
Why sweat and stink and be miserable all so somebody can say,
"Oh look at that fat chick. Yeah, the one over there with the thin arms..."

Just when I think it can't get any worse,
Holly chews up one of my good bras. Grrrrrrrrr....
For guys who don't know the difference, a "good bra" is one that makes your "gurls" proud to be called "tits". If the occasion arose, we'd be thrilled to be caught wearing a good bra should some handsome cop...I mean "guy"..suddenly sweep us off our feet and into bed on our way back home from a trip to the 7/11. If he ripped off our clothes and we were wearing a good bra, we'd be proud to push those puppies in his face. Hell, we'd even do the pulling the nipples out while leaving the bra on thang.
By contrast, if we were wearing a bad bra--a "holey," raggedy bra-- he'd never get to first base. Bad bras are every bit as protective as metal bras, they're what you wear to keep yourself chaste because you know no matter how much you want a dude, there's no way in HELL you'll let him remove a stitch of your clothing while you're wearing a bad bra or bad underwear, for that matter. You'd die first, taking your screaming O with you.
Now good bras and good underwear should not be confused with "lucky" underwear. That's an altogether different category. That's underwear we wear when we want (or expect) something good to happen. That something may or may not be that we get lucky. It's usually worn for a job interview or a first date kinda thing.

Mr. G and I were watching boxing Friday night and the announcer was welcoming back one fighter, who he said had gotten into "a little mischief." I asked Mr. G what the announcer was referring to and he said the dude had kidnapped his own daughter at gunpoint. Damn. I'd hate to see what the announcer thinks "big trouble" is.

I'm still trying to figure out a way to make a fast thousand bucks so I can get my laptop NOW instead of having to wait till I pay off our credit cards. I've thought about prostitution, but with my body, it might take longer to earn the dinero by 'tuting, than it would by paying off our credit cards.
I thought about selling drugs, but I'm fairly honest, so I know I'd be all, "Sure I can sell you this crack cocaine OR you get it from the supplier down the street and save 20% by eliminating the middle man. Or in my case middle 'woman'." Sigh.
I sent a flurry of INCREDIBLY humorous stuff to Reader's Digest, but alas those bastards never even bothered to send me one of those form "not what we're looking for" letters. Pretty sad day when you're pissed you DIDN'T get a form letter.
So NOW I've decided to write greeting cards. There's a company that will pay $300 a crack. So all I have to do is come up with four decent cards and that friggin' laptop is MINE!! Now, like every woman, I've spent a LOT of time in the card aisle trying to pick out exactly the right card for exactly the right person, only to have them chuck it into the garbage can five seconds after they yank the birthday check out of it. So I am WELL QUALIFIED for this job!!!!
Here's a sample of my greeting card writing "talents":
"Every once in a while we meet someone so extraordinary that it changes the fabric of our entire life. We are filled with a joy so profound that it explodes within our soul, filling us with love. The day I met you, I met that someone.....he was the tall black haired dude standing right behind you. So, yeah, I'll need you to be out of the apartment by Monday so he can move in. Adios."
Ok, here's another one:
"I've watched you change so much over the years. Through growth and challenges, you've weathered every storm, struggling to be the best. You're a bright, shining star. It takes a special person to run the Zamboni machine and that special person is you! Don't ever change;)"
Sooo, whadda think?? It's a slam dunk, people. I was born to do this job.

Sunday, July 24, 2005

under the table and dreaming

I cut Mr. G's hair this afternoon and after he was finished checking to see if it was ok, I told him to come over and stand in front of me. [Oh did I mention he was totally naked?] Anywho, I told him that while I had the scissors out and was in a cutting mood, I wanted to trim his pubic hair, too.
Hey, I'm tired of picking those hairs out of my teeth!!
He was like, "NOOOOO WAY!"
Damn, you accidentally nick somebody's earlobe
and they get all sensitive and distrustful of ya.

(noonish) Here's an interesting little tidbit. The word "Gesundheit" actually means "health," not, as I thought, "God bless you." There ya go. Ya learn something new every day. Nobody said it was going to be interesting.

oh no there goes tokyo go go godzilla

WOW. Check out this amazing fan letter I got:
"This is going to sound 100% tacky and normally I behave nothing like this but you are the most stunningly attractive Goddess I have ever laid eyes on. Please bear in mind that I am for the most part blind and more gay than straight so it’s a fair compliment : )”."
Alex just thinks he has the market cornered on these kind of emails! HA!

Goddess' Hot(t) Cop O'The Week Award goes to: Officer Michael Winslow of the Cincinnati, O-HI-O Police Department.
Lordy, I need some of that chocolate lovin'. Ooh, he's hot(t).
He was featured on the 600th (!) ep of COPS.

On COPS tonight, they had an ep with a father and son who got into an argument on the way home from a strip club and proceeded to beat the snot out of each other. Ahh another Kodak family moment.
There are just some things you SHOULD NOT SHARE with your parents, such as:
1.details of your boinking exploits
2. oral sex tips
("Mom, do you swallow?" Brrrrrr....)
3. how much money you spend on porn
4. how you like to jack off while thinking of a family member
(first cousins don't count, right?)
5. slipping dollar bills into the g strings of half
naked men and women doing the bump and grind
(and getting a lap dance while dad watches proudly makes me want to HURL )
It's icky, people. It's just plain icky.

I'm still paying on those stupid hospital bills from last year. I pay $50 a month. The collection agency set it up so that I had to pay at the beginning of the month, but I don't have the money till the END of the month. They never asked me. When I get the money, they'll get the money. I called and told them to change the date, and they said they would, but every stinking month, I get this tape recorded call, "Hi, this is an important message for *insert name here*. Please hold." Please hold?! Are they freaking crazy?
Keeping in mind they're leaving this on my answering machine.
As IF I'm gonna hold for their crap. They play some music and come on again telling me they'll "be with me shortly." If you're gonna bitch at me because I'm not paying my bills, at least have the fucking common decency to be ON the phone when you call me. Who the hell is stupid enough to WAIT??? Then the message runs through a bunch of shit like, "If this is the wrong number press 1" and my favorite option, "If you're not at home, press 4."

I ran out of Astroglide the other day and when Mr. G was going to the drugstore to pick up his scripts I gave him money and STRICT INSTRUCTIONS to get me more.
(A bottle of Astroglide lasts FOREVER. You use such a teeny amount.)
I told him that under NO circumstances should he come home with anything other than Astroglide and that included KY Jelly. So, of course, he came home with KY Jelly. You know how I knew he'd do that? Cuz it's cheaper.
You get what you pay for.
Once you use Astroglide, you'll NEVER go back to KY.
KY is thin and runny, while Astroglide is slick and stretchy,
just like actual vaginal secretions.
Mmmmmm, vaginal secretions.

I'm so glad many of these hair care lines are coming out with small sample sizes of their new products. It gives me a chance to see if they really do what they promise without spending a bundle. I bought a small $1.99 Umberto Giannini "incredible body AMAZING volume mousse" and tried it. You would think with a fancy I-talian name like that it would work, huh? Well, you'd be wrong. My hair is about an inch past the nape of my neck and has lots of layers so mousse SHOULD do wonders for making my do look fuller when I use the blow dryer. This did diddly. Oh, wait that's not quite true. It dried out my hair. But then most mousse products seem to do that because of the alcohol content.

Crickett is going to the HOUSE OF PIES. Do you think it's possible that they have...no, no, I can't even THINK it, let alone SAY it. But I must. Do you think it's possible they have a HOUSE OF CAKES???!!! And MAYBE, just MAYBE the building is MADE OF CAKE?? With an icing roof?? Ok, maybe not.

i dont know when i got bitter love is surely better when its gone

I noticed a couple new people linked to me from their blogs.
If you'd like a reciprocal link, just drop me a line and let me know. I'll be glad to do it.

(2 p.m.) I just read Beater's update. He said that the NYPD is going to randomly search commuter's bags. Ok I heart the poleece, but this is the time ya need to scoop up all your dog's poo and put it in a backpack that you hug to your chest.

Damn. I knew the fashion industry was going South when I saw that ponchos were back in style. UGH. NOW a friend from Florida tells me those long, godawful PEASANT SKIRTS are back in style. I like some of the longer sleeveless summer dresses, but all this long crap is getting to me. We wear short shit in the winter and long in the summer. What's wrong with this pic?!

(noonish) Last week when I was looking around for a new VCR, I told Mr. G that one store had an Emerson for $39 and a Sanyo for $49. I immediately wanted the Sanyo. I have NEVER gotten a good ANYTHING with the name Emerson on it. They always turn out to be cheap and trashy. Naturally Mr. G looked at the bottom line and said, "Get the Emerson." (Big surprise there.) So Monday I'll be taking the Emerson BACK and getting the Sanyo. On principle alone, I should make Mr. G repack it and lug it back. First of all, the picture on a four head VCR should be crystal clear. This one was lousy. Secondly, I couldn't get the Dish remote to work with the VCR and that wasn't much of a problem, because I had to use two separate remotes for my Panasonic VCR, too. No biggie. BUT I couldn't get the VCR to pick up the signal from the Dish as to when I wanted it to tape. Now get this. I called the company and she said, "You CAN get it to pick up the signal BUT it will only tape on that one channel then shut off." So in other words if I wanted to tape COPS on 53 at 8 p.m. then switch to boxing on ESPN2 at 9 p.m. for Mr. G, it couldn't do it. What is the point of having a freaking VCR if I have to manually change the tv channel and reset it for every lousy show?
Emerson VCRS, people, don't waste your hard earned moola.

(10 a.m.) I've figured out how to make my week off last longer. I'm going to stay up late and get up early. Yesterday I went to bed at 1:30 a.m. and I was up at 6 a.m. Last night I went to bed at TWO a.m. and got up at 6 a.m. This evening I will no doubt lay down at 7 p.m. to rest my eyes "just for a minute" and will regain consciousness around 3 p.m. Sunday afternoon. HEY! All that staying up late and getting up early catches up with ya.

South has decided that WE need to find Luke Ford a wife. Yes, this is the sort of idiocy that comes of chatting on IM at 1 in the morning. We're combining our many years of romance experience, which is a hell of a lot if ya think about it. My 25 (glorious) years of being happily married to the same guy, and his 35 years of (gloriously) fucking
everything that comes down the pike.
South's gonna do all the hard work because it was HIS brainy idea, (and because I say so!)
I'm just along for the ride and to laugh at him.
We're concerned that Luke is getting soooo old and doesn't even have a nibble on the marital line. Doesn't look good, ya know? People start to question
in which way the wanker is pointing, ya know?
I'm busy working on a list of questions that I intend to ask the potential candidates. If you'd like to be considered as a possible candidate, email me and tell me about yourself.
(As if ANYBODY will. )
I'll list the q's when I finish the list, which will probably be about
an hour after I finish the riveting romance novel I'm reading.
(Yes, "working on" is Goddess code for "thinking about possibly working on at some point in the future when I'm really bored.")

Saturday, July 23, 2005

the boss said phyllis have you gone mad

OMG! OMG! I preordered my Jersey cops calendar
this afternoon. I'm so damn HAPPY!! (And horny, for some reason....) I can't believe no other PD's have done this as a way to raise money! DUH. Talk about sitting on a gold mine.

(noonish) Ya know, I just don't get it. When I look in the mirror, I see a normal, down to earth, level headed gal. Course I'm usually looking at the person standing next to me. But anywho, I'm starting to get a complex and all because I dance to the beat of a different sousaphone! South's galpal referred to me as "that CRAZY LADY." WTF?! If they're not calling me "odd," or "PECULIAR" or "weird" or "eccentric," they're calling me "crazy"! And one day I'm talking to Zal and I said, "quite frankly i just think i'm damn normal" and he said, "ummmm...not so much..." WHAAAA??!!

(12 a.m.)I can't believe the Los Angeles Police Department has released the names of the 11 officers who were involved in the shoot out with the JACKASS who used his own infant daughter as a human shield. I think those guys have suffered enough knowing that one of them took the life of an innocent child, releasing their names to the public makes it look like the PD is selling them out, if you ask me. With tensions running high over the incident, it serves no good purpose IMHO to do so.

HEE HAW : "Kenny's familys so poor, they had to put their cardboard
box up for a second mortgage." Cartman (South Park)

Lordy, I heart my husband.
For our 25th wedding anniversary next week, he bought
me 25 red roses and a new vibrator.
Phew! I'm just glad he still wants to do it with me after all this time.
I think I'm going to make him a very special dinner.
I'm thinking roast duck and chocolate mousse.
Although instead of duck, I'll use beef. And instead of mousse,
I'll use sugar free pudding. Mmmm mmm, high brow...can't wait.

Last night we took Holly for a walk on the trail. It's been incredibly humid here lately, so we wait till about 9 p.m. and it's usually around 10:30 when we get home. We're usually the only ones on the trail that late at night, and it's really peaceful. I always enjoy our walks. Besides the much needed exercise (and our never ending quest to tucker Holly out), it gives Mr. G and I a chance to connect and relax at the end of the day. Last night the moon was absolutely gorgeous. It was full and bright orange. Looked like the perfect Halloween moon. The woods are spooky, though, and I'm always glad Mr. G's with me.
(An overprotective Lab at your side doesn't hurt either.)
There's one section where the trees hang over the trail and I always expect the headless horsemen to come zipping past at any moment.....brrrrrrrrr.Ya know there's a DOWNside to having an overactive imagination.

Does South know me and Beater well or what?! He told me there were going to be some changes with our sites. And he said, "beater will be like...cool.
you on the other hand will find it stressfull" He's so right. It's not even happening till next month, and I'm stressing already.

Holly was begging for treats for the 900th time again last night. She'll come over and put her paw on my knee because I always ask her for her paw, then give her a treat. I leaned over and said, "I can't be giving you treats all night. You go eat your food." And right in the middle of the word "food" she leaned up and gave me a big ole lick right on the open mouth. GUH. I prefer my French kisses from a man, thank you very much.


Lest you think I'm joking about how BAD (and not "bad" in a good way either) Being Bobby Brown is, click on this link and hit the videostream entitled "Mr. Lama." Now I ask you, does the Dali Lama look excited to meet Bobby Brown? I'm sorry, does the Dali Lama look excited to meet "Bobby Brown, Whitney Houston's husband"? Bobby doesn't exactly look like Bobby at the height of his bad boy days either, does he?

Here's an interesting tidbit for dog owners. If your dog is afraid of thunderstorms, buy a thunderstorm CD and play it often to desensitize them. What a good idea, although the first few times would be rough. I gotta say though, as many times as Holly and I have watched COPS, the instant she hears a dog on tv, she starts panting heavily.
Then frantic barking ensues.



21 JULY 2005
december clouds are not covering me

(6 a.m.) Last day of work!!

Beater informs me that James Dooham fathered a baby just five short years ago, at the age of EIGHTY. Ok, that is just WRONG. It was WRONG when Tony Randall did it and its WRONG now. Ewwwwwwww! Gawd, are chicks that desperate to get money that they have sex with 80 year old celebs?! And all these years, I thought Tony Randall was gay. (Ok I still do. I don't care how many times he's married or how many kids he's fathered.) The only time I'll consider sleeping with an 80 year old dude is when I turn 70.

Thursday, July 21, 2005

schools out completely

Well, well, well, kids. Guess what's making a comeback?
Those chrome dome Airstream trailers. Knowing that history repeats itself, I'm sure it's just a matter of time before MY hunk of junk aka Home Sweet Home becomes trendy once again. I suggest you condo folks reign in your jealousy. Ya know, maybe I'll buy myself one of those little trailers, hook it up to my Kia and drive the offspring and myself around the country. On second thought, suicide would be quicker. And less painful.

Ya know, I had the whole "looks like Scotty himself has been beamed up" thang written, but then I checked Zal's site and saw that he has the same thing. So ya know what?! I'm not doing that "beam me up" bit.
James Dooham, who was 85 years old, passed away and YES, I did have a bit of a crush on him when he was on the show. [Not last year as Female Offspring #1 suggested.] the accent made me swoon.

They have an African American chick playing a crackhead on The Young and The Restless. They have her face made up fairly well and her mannerisms are great. There's just one problem: that crack 'ho has the whitest, straightest teeth I've ever seen.

The chick who was recently hired to work in my place when
I'm off is totally driving me nuts. She calls every fucking Thursday that I'm there and asks me if I took care of this and if I took care of that. I've been there for three years and she's been there for three months. Maybe I'm being overly sensitive about this, but I don't need somebody micromanaging me. I KNOW what my job is and I do it. And I sure as HELL don't need somebody who just started there telling me what needs to be done.
It's gotten so annoying that when she bothers me at home when I'm off,
I won't even return her calls. It's always stupid bullshit that can wait till I get back. I don't bother her with crap when she's off and I resent her not showing me the same respect.

Andy Capp had a great strip yesterday. [Yes, I'm one of the three remaining people who read that comic.] It showed Andy lying on the couch, all curled up. He thought, "This is really uncomfortable. I'm lying on the remote. Tch! There's only one thing for it. Grit your teeth and get used to it." Now that's my kind of guy.

Ok I love this joke. A ship's crew and captain spot a lone man on a deserted island. When they come ashore they see the man and three huts side by side.
Shipwreckee: "Thank God you found me! I've been all alone here for five years!"
Captain: "If you've been alone for five years, why do you need three huts?"
Shipwreckee: "One is my home and the other is where I go to church."
Captain: "And the other hut?"
Shipwreckee: "Oh, that's where I used to go to church."

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

do you ever wonder why your imaginary friend committed suicide

I think this is probably the first time this has ever happened to me, but I totally FORGOT to write my update last night. I always like to have it written the night before, even if I don't post it till the next day. But alas, work screws with my head, and it wasn't until I was crawling into bed last night that I realized I hadn't written any of it. I immediately thought, "Should I get up and write it now?" And that was immediately followed by "Screw that. Not like I'm getting paid." Oh well. That means I'll be writing TWO updates tonight. Luckily, I'm in a gabby mood.

Ok that new Snickers commercial just doesn't do it for me. It shows a bunch of hunters tossing Snicker bars at a deer. Then it says, "Snickers. It's only satisfying if you eat it." Not funny. Even the damn deer looks perplexed.


Here's some interesting news. My niece done gone and got herself a boyfriend. And he's African American. I come from one of those typical Catholic families who thinks its perfectly fine to run everybody down based on their nationality, all the while saying "we're all God's children." I FEEL for my niece, I really do. She's a wonderful person and she deserves this happiness. Sadly, she hasn't learned that there are some things you don't share with your family if you want to preserve your own peace of mind.
The hysterical thing was when she asked me if I thought she should just take him to meet my mother WITHOUT telling her he's black ahead of time. I said, "No, don't tell her. The heart attack will do her a world of good. She'll have plenty of time to rest and contemplate life during her lengthy hospital stay." GUH. Could she have come UP with a worse plan?! She said (in all seriousness), "I think Grandma will like him." Sigh. I love my niece dearly, but if she ain't tap dancing on the corner of jackass alley and naive street with that thought, I don't know who is.

Have you seen the latest gimmick the car manufacturers are using to lure in buyers? They're saying the consumer will pay the same price as the car manufacturer's employees, that we'll get their employee discount. It appears to be working as *NEWSFLASH* Americans are easily suckered. Anywho, it occurred to me that Kia couldn't offer the same deal. If we paid what the poor, downtrodden Korean factory workers pay for THEIR Kias--ASSuming they're dumb enough to buy them, that is--it would be the American equivalent of about $39.99.

I was watching Third Watch the other day--yeah, I'm hooked again now that it's on in the afternoons. Anywho, Sully married a chick who turned out to be in the Russian Mafia. At this point, he'd been married to her for a few months--five or six at least, would be my humble guess. Sully had no idea she was in the Russian mafia when he married her, but now he has concerns about her honesty, so he runs a fingerprint ID on her. A detective is pissed when he finds out what Sully did because he said he's been working on her case for "a long time now" and he's close to closing in on her. He knows that she's been spotted in the company of the mafia leader as recently as "two weeks ago." Yet when Sully tells the detective he's married to her, a cop in the same precinct as the detective, it comes as a total surprise. Must have gone to the soap opera school of detective-osity.

I see the Senate is trying to extend daylight savings an extra 2 months to allow consumers to save on energy costs. Hey, here's a great way for consumers to save on energy costs: lower the fucking price of gas.

Kellee writes: "Goddess, saying your children are making smores using a cigarette lighter is NOT funny. They are dangerous!!!"
Hell, I know my offspring are dangerous, Kellee, I don't need you reminding me. Do I feel suitably chastised by your letter, though? You bet I do.
Ok, gotta go. The offspring are making kabobs using a blow torch and knitting needles and I'm first in line for the pineappple/ham combo.

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

and in the end on dreams we will depend

I was watching the Worlds Most Amazing Videos on Saturday. They're the only show I know that takes a five second piece of video and replays it 95 times.
(Well, them and Biography on A&E)
You never have to worry that you're going to miss the video because they show it so many times during the commentary. One thing they had on that was magnificent was footage of one of those military air shows. The precision that is necessary to pull that off is mindboggling. And the jets look amazing. It always chokes me up when I see those sorts of air shows. You feel so much pride in the military, and in the men and women who are serving.
Van Halen's Dreams video featuring the U.S. Navy
Blue Angels is one of my all time favorite vids.
"we'll get higher and higher straight up we'll climb
we'll higher and higher leave 'em all behind"
I could watch that a dozen times in one sitting and still be fascinated. Heck I had to watch it five or six times while I was writing this. If you've never seen the video, you can go to this site
and dl the entire 5 minute version or a brief 30 second snippet. If you haven't seen it, watch it. Whoever edited that video did a fantastic job.
You'll be amazed. I just wonder how they train for something like that.
BTW, I'm on dial up and I was able to dl it, so yes, even us ghetto folk can watch it.

The Daily Show did a HILARIOUS bit mocking weather coverage of hurricanes. Who among us hasn't seen those stupid weather guys strapping themselves in a wind chamber to show us how strong the winds are? Or the idiot reporter standing on the shore getting battered by waves as they tell us how dangerous the storm is and how we should stay out of it? Stephen Colbert did a bang up job making fun of all of them. Not sure of the date of the show, I think it was the 17th, but Bernard Goldberg was the guest.

The downside of watching a show like Third Watch?
You suddenly start calling everybody "jag off."

JK Rowling said she is saddened that the Harry Potter series is coming to an end after the seventh and final book is released. Hell, I'd be majorly depressed at the thought of losing all that money muhself.

Some doofus who doesn't even closely resemble Ben Rothlisberger (QB for the Pburgh Steelers) passed himself off as the quarterback to get dates, and it worked.
(Maybe it's the chicks who are the doofuses. Or would that be doofusi?)
One chick even went so far as to point out that he didn't look like Ben, but FakeBen shrugged it off by saying that people always look different in person than they do on tv. Well, hell, if that was true, we'd never recognize anyone on America's Most Wanted, now would we? (Not that I ever have, mind you.)
Anywho, he was arrested, and rightly so. My hats off to him
though for having the balls to attempt something like that on his looks.

Ok, the offspring just informed me that they're making S'mores in the living room using cigarette lighters. Of all the stupid, irresponsible things to---ok I gotta go get one now cuz they're running low on 'shmallows. Later kids.

And that's my two cents.

Monday, July 18, 2005

i'm crazy for being insane

Is your life like a tv show? Which one? Mine would be a combination of Roseanne, The Simpsons (back when they put the "fun" in dysfunctional) and Married With Children only set in a trailer court.

Ok another q. This one for the guys specifically. Why do you like long hair on women? (Unless, of course, you're gay and you like long hair on men.) Lemme know why. I want to get to the root (get it? hair? root? fuck you!) of why guys seem fascinated with long hair.

As to the unforgettable lyrics q, Peg sends her favorite line, "What a cunning way to condescend. Once my lover, now my friend."
At last! One I recognize. Ok, I recognized it, but I had to google it to see what song it was. "Shadowboxer."

Tom sent this memorable line, "There are many here among us
who feel that life is but a joke."
Don't know it. Sigh.

If COPS is a repeat on Sunday night, catch the Princes of Malibu. With the ideas those idiots think (and I use that word lightly) up, there's a good chance the (real) cops will be featured. The show is every bit as stupid as I thought and I know something that would make it go away immediately. If this record producer stepfather is so pissed cuz the kids are basically slugs with credit cards, why the hell doesn't he send 'em to live with Bruce Jenner?
They're his brats. The show consists of this record mogul's stepbrats doing stupid things to get out of real work, and the old man bitching and swearing about everything they do. And a good portion of the show was him bitching about how many lights the kids leave on. Gosh, it was like watching my old man in his heyday.

Speaking of stupid tv, I also saw another ep of Being Bobby Brown--yes, its still on the air believe it or not--and I've decided it pretty much sucks being Bobby Brown. I've seen parts of three or four eps now, and JUST ONCE I'd like to see a show where Bobby doesn't have to introduce himself as "Bobby Brown, Whitney Houston's husband."
He may very well be the world's best suitcase pimp.
This ep consisted of them eating, drinking, shopping, fighting and kissing every few seconds. Pretty much like the other eps. Their daughter was on it this time, and a more miserable, sad looking soul I've never laid eyes on. You can tell that kid is doing her share of emotional suffering having to deal with those parents. Ugh. My heart goes out to her.
Ever so sensitive Whitless was bitching cuz the child is overweight.
Well shit maybe if she spent a little quality time with the child, the poor thing wouldn't have a reason to medicate with food. The kid treated Bobby every bit
as shitty as Whitless does at times.
If ever a couple needed to be on the Dr Phil show, it's these two.

Yesterday morning I woke up singing, "if you want it, here it is, come and get it, but you better hurry cuz it may not last." I have no idea what it means, but I'm sure my subconscious knows and won't clue me in until it's too late.

I like to think I live on the wild side...ok I know better. But damn. Even Holly knows how predictably boring my life is. As soon as she gets her pets from me when i get home, she grabs a bone and heads straight for the computer room door and waits for me there. Hmm. When Mr. G comes home, she immediately grabs the leash and heads for the door.

Sunday, July 17, 2005

if you want it here it is come and get it

A NEW COPS ep last night.
So many cute, hot(t) cops to choose from it's hard to pick a winner. But I shall.
Goddess' Hot(t) Cop O'The Week Award goes to: Officer Jeff Garwacki of the Fort Worth, Texa Police Department, East Division.
Hey any time you guys wanna come pick up your 'award' in person, feel free.

Martha Stewart is turning her at home jail time into yet another money making opportunity. She's currently penning a book for entrepreneurs who
want to "follow her path to business success."
I certainly hope she includes a chapter on how to jailhouse fashions and faux pas.
I believe the working title of the book is
"How to Succeed In Business Without Doing (Hardly Any) Jailtime."

I love the commercial for the new Quicken home loans. They interview husbands and wives. One dude said, "What a fantastic opportunity." And his wife said, "That's a nice chunk of change in MY pocket." No need to ask who wears (and buys) the pants in that family.

I love this line from a romance novel I was reading yesterday, "You know, kiddo, the idiot who said you can never be too rich or too thin died a slow death from starvation after the weight of her diamond rings kept her from getting to the dinner table."
(Jackie Braun "In the Shelter of His Arms")

Ya know the minute I read the subject line of Tim Case's email, and it said simply "Poe," I KNEW I had left myself wide open for an Edgar Allan Poe joke when I asked what had happened to the singer Poe yesterday.
And I also knew that only Tim would see & seize that opportunity.
He writes: "What do you mean, "whatever happened to Poe"? How can you ask that? Edgar Allan Poe died October 7, 1849, penniless and insane, in Baltimore, Maryland.

The full title of Fiona Apple's 1999 release is "When the Pawn Hits the Conflicts He Thinks Like a King What He Knows Throws the Blows When He Goes to the Fight and He'll Win the Whole Thing 'Fore He Enters the Ring There's No Body to Batter When Your Mind Is Your Might So When You Go Solo, You Hold Your Own Hand and Remember That Depth Is the Greatest of Heights and if You Know Where You Stand, Then You Know Where to Land and if You Fall It Won't Matter, 'Cuz You'll Know That You're Right"
Damn. She rambles worse than Alanis ever could.
If you knew that title by heart, I applaud you.
Thanks, Tim, oh Swami Rama of Strange Trivia.

Keith sends in his favorite line(s) from a song,
"I remember you well in the Chelsea Hotel,
You were talking so brave and so free.
Giving me head on the unmade bed
While the limousines wait in the street."

Tim Case sends in his favorite memorable line(s):
Hole, "Malibu" - "How are you so burnt when you're barely on fire?"
Bob Dylan, "Tangled Up in Blue" - "She was workin' in a topless place
And I stopped in for a beer,
I just kept lookin' at the side of her face
In the spotlight so clear.
Later on as the crowd thinned out
I was just about to do the same,
She was standing there in back of my chair
Saying "Jimmy, don't I know your name?"
I muttered somethin' underneath my breath,
She studied the lines on my face.
I must admit I felt a little uneasy
When she bent down to tie the laces of my shoe,
Tangled up in blue."

Damn. I need to expand my musical repertoire. I don't any of those three songs...

Beater's most memorable lyrics are: Van Halen - Panama

"Ah, you reach down, between my legs,
Ease the seat back."

Or

War Pigs by Black Sabbath

"Politicians hide themselves away
They only started the war
Why should they go out to fight
They leave that all to the poor"

Saturday, July 16, 2005

did you think i would stand here and lie while our moment was passing us by

The above song lyric is one of my all time favorite lines from a song. It's from Cyndi Lauper's Change of Heart. I like the song, but the line is one that stays with me. What are some of YOUR favorite lines from songs? And like I said, it doesn't have to be from a favorite song, just a memorable line.

I was watching a rerun of "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" and the question was, "What pop singer released a 1999 album with a 90 word title?" I had NO CLUE. The choices were Fiona Apple, Joni Mitchell, Alanis Morrisette and (I think) Cyndi Lauper. I immediately narrowed it down to Fiona and Alanis. Alanis has a (slight ) tendency to ramble as if she's never heard of a period, and Fiona just likes to be unique. The answer was Fiona, but I have no idea what album they were referring to cuz Regis never said! I'm guessing it must be "When the Pawn Hits..." cuz that seems to be the only one she released in '99. Speaking of Fiona, what the hell ever happened to Poe? I loved her.

The Harry Potter book is already getting rave reviews. How the hell could anybody read 800+ pages and have time to review it already when it just came out TODAY?!
Well, 'cept for those 14 sneaky Canadians...
I don't care if the book sucks raw eggs as long as it gets kids reading. One lady I work with started with that "he's a witch. that book is NOT Christian." shit today.
Go ahead. Make my day. Ask me if I give a shit.
Although I got quite a kick out of hearing there were problems with the "Where's Waldo" books when they started sneaking topless chicks into the convoluted pictures.

days go by i'm hypnotized

Goddess' Hot(t) Cop O'The Week Award goes to: *drum roll please*
Officer Paul Genualdo, from the Forth Worth, Texas Police Department.
**insert sighing and drooling here**

On the episode of COPS I was watching this afternoon from Fort Worth, the owner of the house they were called to had the words "ring bell" scribbled on the siding of their house above the doorbell. I guess people in those parts aren't smart enough to know what to do.

Ok, here's one more reason why I'd like to bitchslap some of the so-called money "experts." Jane Bryant Quinn said this in a recent issue of Good Housekeeping on how to get rich, " Take $10 out of your wallet EACH DAY. At the end of the month your life won't have changed much, but you'll now have a tidy $300 tucked away."
Hey, I have a better idea. Why stop at just $10? Why not take $20 out of your wallet every day, Jane? At the end of the month, you'll have $600!
For pete freaking sake, I don't even have $10 in my wallet for THE WEEK, let alone enough that I can take out $10 A DAY. I can tell Jane isn't living on minimum wage.

I don't want anybody to think I live in a podunk town but there's an advertisement currently running on the local news for a furniture store. As they give the directions to the store at the end of the commercial, they add, "take route blah blah for three miles, and we're just past the duck pond." A friend of mine was visiting from out of state and when he heard that he said, "The duck pond? Is that some kind of a store?"
I said, "No, that's some kind of a pond where ducks swim. Welcome to my world." And if ya get lost, don't be afraid to ask the ducks for directions.
Quack, quack, quack.

A court in Vancouver issued a gag order against 14 people who purchased Harry Potter books ahead of the release date. They were forbidden to discuss the story until AFTER it's Saturday release. They took them to COURT?! And the court actually did something about it in a quick and timely manner?! Do the courts in Canada not have anything better to do? It's only a damn kid's book. The CIA should have such immediate response to breaches in security. JK Rowling is rolling in moola and people talking about the book is only going to stir more interest.
Get over it. Speaking of JK Rowling rolling in moola and the fact that Harry Potter is going to be purchased largely by and for kids, I think charging $30 a pop is harsh.
Not to mention greedy.

I was watching the TV Guide channel today checking the schedule and they were showing some of that Open Call show. I love it. It consists of a moderator, who thinks she's all it and a bag of pinto beans, and two judges. Now they're all seated like two inches apart, yet when the time comes to "tally the votes," (yeah, all two of 'em) the moderator calls for some chick to "collect the votes." Like she couldn't reach over 25° to her left and get them herself.

Damn that Beater. I had a good thing going not talking about South.
But I just can't resist this one, so here goes: Well, my guess is Mike South will be making his new home in Calgary, Alberta.
(That's in Northern Canada for all of you who flunked the
geography portion of the GED test.)
Seems they have a problem with stray dogs and they're offering a bounty of $41 a head. A lot of you might not know this, but South is really good at rounding up strays for cash.
He's um, what you call, "skilled."

Damn it. I had only played "MmmBop" about ten times before one of the neighbors screamed, "Turn. That. Shit. OFF." I, of course, stuck my head out the window, waved and yelled, "You have a good day, too! Cute shorts, btw!" I always like to pretend I have no idea people are pissed off at me cuz it pisses 'em off even more. Like when someone is sweet enough to give me the one finger salute when driving, I smile and wave enthusiastically, knowing that it'll ruin their whole friggin' day.

Thursday, July 14, 2005

in an mmmbop you're gone

Ok Beater insists that I'm still stalking Southsince I'm "talking about him daily" on my site. "Daily??" Dude, you're living in the past.
I went back to the end of last month, from the 29th of June through today, I have mentioned South all of about four times and his mother once. Twice was concerning the correct spelling of Vidalia onions,(granted that was exciting AND wild!!) once cuz he apologized and once stating that I liked his Wankus Faith comment. Oh yeah and once more to point out that I'M SO OVER HIM. You'll notice his penis didn't get mentioned at all. A sure sign the crush has indeed passed. FiNaLlY.
BTW, is he paying you to keep his name alive on my page?

I think I may have accidentally ingested something with caffeine (or LSD) in it today. I actually found myself dancing to "MMMBop" by the Hansons and thinking, "this is pretty catchy." As you get older, you appreciate songs with "lyrics" that mostly consist of "mmmbop dap ba duwop." My favorite part of the song is where he says, "In an mmmbop you're gone, in an mmmbop you're not there"
like mmmbop is an actual word that has an actual meaning.

Speaking of not talking about South, according to Tim Case, SOUTH SINGS. OMG.
**where's a smiley bleeding from the ears when ya need one??!!**

where have all the cowboys gone

If you think the media hasn't distorted a woman's healthy view of herself, check out Kelly Ripa's comments about her old high school weight:
"But back when she was a big-haired high school cheerleader, the 5-foot-4 blond clocked in at 128 pounds. 'That was a fun weigh-in for cheerleading,' Ripa jokes. 'I was stout. I had four legs, including my two upper arms.'"
128 pounds at 5'4" and she considered herself "stout"??
Truly pathetic the way the media has manipulated women
into thinking we all have to look like a starving P.O.W. to be worthy.

A U.S. consumer group wants cigarette-style warnings on soft drinks to alert consumers that too much of the sugary beverages can make people fat and cause other health problems. And that's fine and dandy, as long as they also extend those warnings to include the so called "fruit" juice and "fruit" drinks industry. Fruit juices are LOADED with sugar, and generally don't have a lot of vitamins and nutrients. Fruit drinks sometimes have two or three different kinds of sugar and are probably worse than soft drinks. I don't think there is anyone dumb enough to believe soda is good for them OR healthy, but fruit drinks are often touted as being "good and "healthy" for kids, making them doubly harmful, IMHO. Now I shall climb down off my soapbox because standing in one place too long causes varicose veins, ya know.

My last freaking day off. "How many days did it rain like hell, Goddess, so you could lay in bed and read with a clear conscience?" you ask. ONCE AGAIN: NONE. Tomorrow and all weekend, it'll probably RAIN CONSTANTLY.

Mr. G's dad is becoming more and more senile. (And no, senility is not the same as Alzheimer's. You have to be around both to understand the diff and unfortunately, they both suck when you have to deal with them.) He's starting to hoard stuff. Three times now he's had his heart pill meds refilled and three times now they're missing minutes after he gets home, so we're fairly certain he's hiding them thinking someone is going to steal them. His mind is REALLY bad. He can't remember from one minute to the next and there's no way he's going to be able to stay at home because he's a mean S.O.B.
I feel bad for my husband because they're calling him constantly and bothering him at work all the time. If they have an argument, they call him and try to get him in the middle. (They've ALWAYS done this.) My husband doesn't have the best of health as it is, and it pisses me off that this is happening. His father is belligerent and impatient--always has been--but now even moreso and my husband is taking the brunt of his temper. One minute he's asking my husband for a favor, the next he's cursing him out about something that wasn't done to his satisfaction.
One of the things that has bothered me the most during our 25 years together is that his father NEVER apologizes for being an asshole. NEVER. He is the kind of person--we all know them--that is nice to outsiders and treats his own family like crap. He calls my husband names like "stupid bastard" and "idiot" and he does NOT deserve that. They get into huge arguments and then the next time the old man wants something,
he just brushes it all under the carpet without ever saying, "I'm sorry." I don't have the best relationship with my parents, I'll be the first to admit that, but they NEVER, EVER called us names like that or berated us. A "friend" calling you a 'stupid bastard' doesn't have near the impact that it does when your mother or father calls you that. I can tell it gets to my husband because from time to time we'll be arguing about something, and out of the blue, he'll yell, "I'm not stupid!" It's insane. I feel like saying, "Take this up with your dad! That's who you're really arguing with." Now his dad has lost eyesight totally in one eye and a good bit in the other, so my husband is driving him places and that makes it even more strenuous because the old man wants to go when HE wants to go. They never take my husband's work schedule into consideration. He'll start this shit where he tells my husband that it's his responsibility as a son to take care of his father because it says so in the Bible.
He took care of his father, well my mother-in-law took care of his father while my father-in-law ran around and drank. But that was his idea of "taking care of him." My husband said it was pure misery growing up like that because his mother resented his father because her own parents died in a home because she was busy taking care of her in-laws.
I say, show me the part in the Bible where it says its ok to call your child an idiot and a bullheaded bastard and essentially make him feel like garbage when he's really a wonderful human being, and then we'll talk.
His mother has gotten really overweight so she can't do much around the house, either. She can't even do much for herself.
Mr. G's sister helps from time to time, but her main goal is to shove them into a home so she can get her hands on any money that might be left.
All in all, it's making Mr. G crazy and that makes me crazy.
Thanks for letting me vent.
And the silver lining of this whole dark cloud is: Thank GOD this isn't China where the whole family lives in one house.

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

living on borrowed time

Well, Mr. G is upset cuz he caught me making plans to rejoin the book club I just quit a few months back. I'm like, "Honey. How can I NOT rejoin? Look at the letter they sent me. 'Dear Fellow Book Lover, please come back, we've been lost without you!" They even went on to talk about all the "happy memories we've shared".
[I think their "happy memories" largely consisted of them overcharging
me for shipping and handling, and them cashing my checks, but hey, to each his own.]
BUT--and this was what really sucked me in--the letter included several pictures of a sad little cartoon puppy holding a leash in it's mouth, just like Holly does when she wants to go for a walk. That in conjunction with their sappy, almost believable spiel, "we had a good thing going there for a while. But relationships can't stand frozen in time.
You changed. We didn't change with you. So you split."
Hell, I've gotten less insight & understanding when ending REAL relationships.
So I presented all of this to Mr. G and said, 'Honey, how can I not rejoin?" He said, "Look, if it's a sad little puppy you want, go out in the hall and take a look at the one that's chewing up your book club application as we speak! You'll find her conveniently located next to the pile of splitered wood that used to be part of OUR LIVING ROOM WALL!!

The weatherman was calling for rain all day today, remnants of Hurricane Whatever that hit Florida the other day. So naturally it's hot, sunny and humid as all get out. BTW, who's responsible for thinking up these storm names? Tropical Storm CINDY?! Tropical Storm EMILY?! Puhleeze. Sounds more like Barbie and Ken's playmates. Give me a good ole Tropical Storm Juan Carlos any day!

Sad, sad news. South informed me that his mom was getting dsl today, making me the only remaining person on the planet who has dial up. Well, me and Zal.
(Sorry, Zal, but misery loves company.)

the boys are back in town

I bought a new VCR last night. Yep, they still make those things. I was looking at the DVD/VCR combo, but I didn't want to pay that much money, even though I know it's eventually going to be ALL dvd. $39 for the VCR was about all I was willing to shell out. Did you know they don't come with an external clock anymore? Freaky not to have that flashing 12:00 every time the electricity goes out.

The Burlington Bad boy has returned. Beater's back
AND he bought a new Honda. Damn!
That's the kinda car I want to get. Never heard a bad thing about a Honda.
In a totally non-related story, Beater writes about me, "I see she is still stalking South and still obsessed with the TV show COPS, I am always curious why she doesn't find the fat, out of shape cops attractive? She will deny they show any but everyone has seen them, they some how run down a 18 or 19 year old man, just goes to show not all reality TV is real."
Ok for the 90th time, I AM NOT STALKING SOUTH!! I am sooooo O-VER him.
Um, far from denying they show the cops Beater described, I would say the majority of the cops they show are "burly." [Actually I prefer the terms "big and broad" or "big and burly" to the words "fat" and "out of shape." It's a mind game thang] And if you could see pics of MANY of the ones I've chosen for my Hot(t) Cop O'The Week Award, you'd see most of them are, in fact "big and burly." I've NEVER really liked skinny guys. I want muscle, as Diana Ross would say. But I'll settle for 'burly.'
That would be muscle buried beneath the 'burl,' I guess.

Zal has also returned after almost TWO WHOLE DAYS of not updating. I thought he was doing a Tim Case on us! I had Zal's picture ready to slap on the side of a milk carton and everything. Then I realized they'd probably need a pic of his (bigGER) head for that so I put that project "on hold". Pun intended.

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

we had joy we had fun we had seasons in the sun

Concerning the scholarship reality tv show, ElCheapo writes: "ABC tried this with The Scholar (might be over by now, check
listings). IIRC, ratings blew. Sponsor, is/was WalMart (again, IIRC)."
I googled this cuz I hadn't heard of it, which is telling in and of itself. Who hasn't heard of Survivor? And even that stupid Real Gilligan's Island? Apparently the winner has not been chosen yet, so the show is still running.
Pared down to six remaining contestants, I believe.
Figures that something this worthwhile WOULDN'T catch on. Probably cuz there's LEARNING involved.

Alas! I am NOT ALONE with this whole Firefox bookmark crap. When I googled "problesm in Firefox," I found a whole list of folks having problems with it, and there's a shitload listed under "bookmarks" alone. Phew! For a minute there I thought maybe I was having problems because I'm having my period.
(And if ya didn't read yesterday's update, you'll never get that in a million years.)

I love this search string, "If you cannot find Osama bomb Iraq."
Sweet. Esp. since they THINK he's hiding in IRAN.

Tim Case writes: You are both correct and incorrect. God was speaking to you in the shower, and he did say "Bjorn", but he was actually referring to Bjorn Borg, the male pro tennis player from the late 70s and early 80s -- not Bjorn from the swedish pop group Abba, beloved of homosexuals everywhere, from the same time period.
God probably wanted you to go to Wimbledon.
Way to go."
Normally I would agree, but alas, God has seen me run. Have you ever seen those idiots that spin their arms like windmills when they run? Well, then you've seen me.

we had joy we had fun we had seasons in the sun

Tim Case writes: You are both correct and incorrect. God was speaking to you in the shower, and he did say "Bjorn", but he was actually referring to Bjorn Borg, the male pro tennis player from the late 70s and early 80s -- not Bjorn from the swedish pop group Abba, beloved of homosexuals everywhere, from the same time period.
God probably wanted you to go to Wimbledon.
Way to go."
Normally I would agree, but alas, God has seen me run. Have you ever seen those idiots that spin their arms like windmills when they run? Well, then you've seen me.

(11 a.m.) I see Prince Albert has taken the throne in Monaco. Guess they finally
got him out of that can....bwahaha--forget it.

I think one of the little bugs in Firefox that I HATE THE MOST is the one that causes my menus to keep flipping up over and over before I have a chance to pick the item I want. GUH. I use my favorites list every day and this constant flipping is pissing me off. More and more I find myself going back to I.E.

dont look now theres a monkey on your back

Well, NOW I don't feel like the only computer idiot on the planet
trying to feel my way around learning new techniques like
linking in LJ and Blogger.
Yesterday I received a spam email
entitled "firstname, I have a new job for you."
If you're gonna clog my inbox with useless crap,
at least get my fake first name right.

Mike, Foster, Co-founder of the xxxchurch, said he was in the shower when he
heard the voice of God say `porn.' One time I was in the shower and I could have sworn I heard the voice of God telling ME 'porn.' Turns out He actually said 'bjorn,' as in Bjorn Ulvaeus from the group Abba, but I didn't know that until AFTER I amassed a huge John Leslie porn stash to please God. What He really wanted was for me to buy Abba records. Makes perfect sense when ya think about it. God being a big Abba fan and all.
God=Father=Abba=Dancing Queen. Damn. I should have seen the signs.

Instead of all these insipid reality shows where fame is the ultimate goal, I think some company should sponsor a show for teens in which the winner receives an all expenses paid scholarship to the college of their choice. Maybe advertisers could start INSPIRING PEOPLE TO DO THEIR BEST instead of ENCOURAGING THEM TO ACT LIKE ASSHOLES.

"Mary! Half Pint! DOC BAKER DIED!!"
Nooooo!! Kevin Hagen, the dude who played Doc Baker on Little House
on the Prairie passed away at the age of 77. To be perfectly honest,
I thought he was in his 70's when he was on the show! Yikes!

A 63 year old grandma in Berlin is going to retire on her next birthday. Her job? She's a 'ho. A skank. A 'tute. She charges $36 a night and on a "good night" she has four or five johns. She said she's retiring because she's being chased away by younger "competitors." Uh huh, schure, grandma, that's what they are. Competition. Dream on.
I was really shocked to read this story. What a slacker.
My grandma worked as a 'tute till she was 73, just like her mama before her.
She lived to work, and never missed a day of work in her life either. Course she died penniless, but that's another story for another day...

Monday, July 11, 2005

the waters rising and i'm going under

For the last several years, I have been intelligent enough to drink ONLY WATER, with an occasional glass of brewed ice tea as a "treat." Well, it became incredibly hot here the last few weeks and I got on a diet pepsi kick. HUGE MISTAKE. I KNEW BETTER. I am stiff and achy in places I haven't been stiff and achy in since I stopped drinking this garbage years ago. NO MORE. That artificial sweetener is TOXIC. Back to water. YAY!

Speaking of being stiff and achy, if you'd like to use something more natural on your aches, instead of Ben Gay which is stinky and smelly, try Arnica gel. It's toxic if taken internally, but it's excellent for bruises and swelling and arthritis pain. It's natural AND it really works.

WORDS OF WISDOM:
Stuey (to Meg, his teenage sister, who is babysitting him): "You know, Meg, if you kill yourself now, you'll get a full page in the yearbook."
(Family Guy)

Goddess' Second Hott Cop O'The Week Award goes to: Sgt. Greg Noll of the Fresno, California PD. Whoa. There were SEVERAL hott officers on Saturday night's show. Fresno seems to be THEE place to get arrested.

Ya know the more I thought about it, Richard Freeman being born in Philadelphia but living a good deal of his adulthood in Ohio would make him more of an Ohiodelphian, than an Ohioite.

Damn. Just when you think you've heard it all.
CHECK THIS OUT

What kind of guy in his right mind
would sign a paper saying he'd been unfaithful?! Especially someone in his line of work! You'd think he'd know better than anyone how physical evidence has a way of coming back to bite you in the ass.

Ya know I think my whole cake scheme to get the cake monkey off my back would have worked had Mr. G not interferred. There I was stuffing my face with cake in an effort to purge myself of the craving and he walks past--EATING A HUGE PIECE OF CAKE!!
I'm like, "HEY! That's MY cake and it's MY plan! What gives?!"
He said, "I was hungry and it looked pretty good."
Well, cry me a river....of cake, damn it!!

Di sent this joke. I love it.
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,
Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,
"It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes."
He addressed the man,
"Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?

Sunday, July 10, 2005

Ben Dover!!

I've decided that when I start my World of Goddess cult, I'm going to make it mandatory that ALL MEN inducted into the cult must drink the "nectar" of Goddess to cleanse him of his sins. I'm thinking they must drink it AT LEAST once a month to STAY pure. AND I'm thinking I don't want women in the cult.
Hey, it's MY DAMN CULT and I MAKE THE RULES!!

Richard Freeman writes: "That's ok, I'm not from Ohio, I'm from Philly - though I've lived here since 1962."
Which makes you an honorary Ohioan! Ohioite? Non-Pennsylvanian?
Or whatevah you guys are called.

(noonish) Why oh why do I keep dreaming about getting butt fucked? And it's never just one guy, it's a bunch of guys, one right after the other. Guys treat me well, so I know it's not a negative "I'm getting screwed over by guys" thing being played out by my subconscious. And if the screaming O's I have are anything to go by....YOWZA!! Hell I don't mind taking it up the butt if I orgasm like that! Personally I think it's a sign that I need MORE SEX!! Something I had already figured out muhself.

We have a new neighbor who moved into a house that was formerly owned by an elderly woman. She was the second home owner in this neighborhood, right after my grandma. Her garden was her pride and joy. She had beautiful azalea bushes and all sorts of bushes I can't even identify. She arranged it so that there was something blooming all the time from early spring to late fall. So yesterday I was out walking the dog and nuowner was outside. Holly got away from me--mutter mutter whatafuckingsurprise mutter mutter--and ran towards his place because she could hear his dogs. He was nice enough to come over and help me corral her. We talked for a few minutes and I said, "I see you're getting a lot of yard work done since you moved in," and he said, "Yeah we're gonna clear all this crap out of here." I just couldn't help but think of all the hours and hours and years and years that woman spent making the yard a showplace, and now someone new is cutting out all the bushes to essentially make it look like they have more of a lawn. And to them, that will be every bit as wonderful as her garden was to her. Go figger.

kick 'em when they're up kick 'em when they're down

I'm changing my Cute Cop O'The Week Award to Goddess' Hott Cop O'The Week Award in honor of those many, many airheaded chicks on the COPS forum who start the "cops are HOTT" strings. Not that they're not CHOCK FULL of lively conversations like,
"cops are hott!"
"yeah they are!"
"I think cops are hott, 2!!"
"so do I."
Oh the excitement.
Goddess' Hott Cop O' The Week Award goes to
Officer Brian Craft from the Fresno, California Police Department.
He's cuuuute. And hott.
I think so, too.
So do I.
Cake anyone?

Tim Case writes: "I've never seen Drew Carey's show in my life, but I am from Ohio, and will answer any relevant questions.
Dirty Bob is also from Ohio, and once was photographed dancing with a porn chick behind Drew Carey, who was in attendance at some industry function. The photo later ran in the Enquirer, who pointed out that Drew Carey was a pervert with a porn star obsession, but ignored Dirty Bob and his lap dance obsession.
I'm in Los Angeles now, and hope you're well."
What? No mention of Richard Freeman being from Ohio?? Or his porn star obsession?
Hmm, taking all your comments into consideration, I'd say you're more than WELL QUALIFIED to answer my question about the Drew Carey show.
Fortunately, somebody else already beat ya to it,
for which I'm eternally grateful.
Say hello to Miss Thang for us.

I'm very concerned about Mike South. Last night he APOLOGIZED
for a word he used on his site that he knows I HATE. I didn't even
have a chance to jump down his throat.
The reason I'm worried is because he showed such sensitivity towards my feelings.
Mike South? Sensitive???
NOW do you see why I'm worried?! For some reason I keep thinking about that invasion of the body snatchers movie...and cake. Lots of cake.
Everybody sing, "it's the end of the world as we know it..."

Saturday, July 09, 2005

seven days and seven nights of thunder

More Fun with TWOG Search Strings:
"proper way to eat out of a vagina" mmmm mmmm, what's cookin'?
"side effects of using anti prespirant while pregnant" you AND the baby WON'T STINK
"donna summer mcarthur park meaning" let me save you the trouble. that whole "someone left the cake out in the rain" song HAS no meaning!
"are roma downey and eric mccormack in love" lord I hope not.
he's married to someone else
"I need to get laid" all the googlin' in the world ain't gonna help ya there.
"how to grow penis at home if you don't have money" I had no idea you could grow a penis at home. Cool! I wonder if it's anything like growing a Chia Pet? I once saw a twilight zone ep where a hand come up out of a lady's garden, but I've never seen a penis pop up out of the ground. I'm going right up to Home Depot to get me some penis seeds….
"what do porn stars use to make their pussys taste good" Actually I have it from a very reliable source within the porn industry that they rub money all over their cooch and that draws the men like flies. The women, too....
"who has won a kia sephia lemon law case" NOBODY in their right mind sues over a Kia. You just crumble them up, toss 'em in the trash and buy a new one. It's much cheaper that way. Besides we Kia owners know they're all lemons.

Friday, July 08, 2005

quarter to four in the morning

OMG! IS IT CHRISTMAS??? Because I feel like
I've just gotten THEE BEST PRESENT EVER!!
(No, NOT the laptop. Shut the hell up about that, would ya?!)
If you love cops, and you love calendars, and you love cops ON calendars, check this out!! calendarcops.com
And YES! I have already reserved one for MYSELF!!!
New jilling material for 14 MONTHS!!
Thanks to Alex, our favorite dirty poet, for sending me the link!!

Check out those beautiful puppies on AVN's blog. (avn.com/blog) And when I say "puppies," I'm referring to the four legged ones, not the two hanging out over to the right of the pic. I'm wondering though, if flashing your tits like that in a pic helps you get homes for your "puppies" any sooner??

HA. HA. HA. And you guys think Asian chicks are so damn hot in bed. A report out of Bejing says that the "Chinese are more ignorant about sex than any other subject."
"More Chinese are ignorant about sex than about other knowledge, even including those having received higher education and experts of other fields," says Xu Tianming, president of the China Sexology Society
Take THAT , guys, for dissing us American chicks!!

Today I took a few moments and tape recorded the line, "Just LET ME HAVE THE DAMN BALL ALREADY and I'll be HAPPY to throw it for you!!" in an effort to save my tonsils. I also recorded, "NOOOO!" And, "I SAID NO! DAMN IT!"
Along with "Does that belong to you?! NO IT DOES NOT!" Sigh.
Fortunately, I can use three of those four lines on my offspring so it was worth the trouble.

If anybody was well versed in the Drew Carey show,
can ya drop me a line? I have a question.

Have you seen those commercials for "Jergens Natural Glow Daily Moisturizer"? It promises to "create a healthy, summer glow all year long just by moisturizing." DON'T SUCKER, PEOPLE!! It's nothing more than one of those damn tanning lotions that leave you with orange elbows. Sigh. I should know.
**going to wash off my orange elbows**

Thursday, July 07, 2005

oh no no no don't phunk with my heart

I think it's time Holly started dating.
I have my eye on two male callers. I'm thinking Duke from
the Bush's Baked Beans commercials OR Speedy (whose pic I can't find but who looks amazingly like Duke) from the now defunct Drew Carey Show. I'm fairly certain they are both Retrievers. I want Holly to keep her bloodline pure, damn it! Although I'm hoping neither of them are prejudiced. After all, Holly is BLACK.
I sent both dogs a brief email from Holly telling her likes (I think it's best to focus on the positive): "I like taking long walks in other people's yards, chewing on Hummel figurines--but only those that are valuable antiques--and eating poop that isn't mine."
What do you think? Who would be the better beau for my sweetie pie? Duke or Speedy?

I was watching an ep of COPS (what were you expecting? CSPAN?) and the cop was gnoshing on a toothpick. Damned if he didn't conduct a foot chase and climb over fences until he tackled the suspect, all the while still chewing on his toothpick. Now THAT'S skill, people.

Now see ya really do learn something new every day. Concerning Vidalia OnionGate 2005, South wanted to know why I didn't google for the correct spelling. I said the only thing that came up when I went to dictionary.com was the town/city/whatevah of Vidalia. I had no idea the onions were FROM Vidalia, Georgia. I thought it was merely a cute coinkydink. Like Intercourse, PA.
He said, "and to get that little sticker that says Vidalia on it it has to be grown and harvested in the area around Vidalia GA." It's really weird, but I always make sure mine has a sticker on it cuz they tend to toss a whole bunch of onions in one basket and label them all Vidalia. But I'm never really sure I'm getting a Vidalia unless it has a sticker. So I'm a stickler for the sticker. Now let us never speak of this again.

Carol Brady aka Florence Henderson has a new line of jewelry for the home shopping channel. A celeb hawking cheap junk at high prices. Wow. Don't see that very often.

Wednesday, July 06, 2005

i am extraordinary i am just your ordinary average every day sane psycho supergoddess

I had THEE BEST supper last night. If you love spaghetti, as I do, but HATE the sick, stuffed, tired feeling from eating all those carbs, try spaghetti squash. I promise you you'll never know the difference. It's simple to cook and oh so delicious and good for you. I made some spag squash last night, then I browned ground beef, some fresh garlic and vadalia onions. I added that to my secret homemade spaghetti sauce that has been in the family for years. (Well the Ragu family) It was fantastic. And the best part is that my stomach wasn't bloated for hours like it is when I eat pasta.

I received this email via the cops forum:
"i c u like cops, i like cops 2, i want to be a cop when i get older, i like to help ppl, my dad is a cop, uncle 2, what do u like about cops, we have a cop at scholl, he is nice"
Ok, first off, let me say that periods aren't just for girls any more.
Secondly, "scholl"?! Oh gawd. The nuns would have heart attacks reading what passes for English these days. (Well worth the price of admission to see that.) Last but certainly not least, when the writer says my dad is a cop, uncle 2 I certainly hope he means that his uncle is also a cop and not that his dad IS his uncle.

I liked this email, too. "Hate being impotent for nothing?"
As opposed to being impotent for a reason, I guess.

Happy Birthday to Kat!! YAY!!
Have a good one, gurl. You deserve it.
I had it written down in TWO PLACES and I STILL forgot until just now!

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

and did i forget to mention that i've found a new direction and it leads back to me

I have to admit I got quite a laugh out of South
referring to Wankus as "Wankus Faith."
It sounds like an X-rated country & western singer.

4th of July night was lovely. I was in the computer room with Holly. All the windows were closed and the door was shut because the fireworks were scaring her. I wouldn't have cared except temps reached NINETY SIX yesterday. Color me sweaty and stinky.

Hmm, I THINK Female Offspring #1 was home the last four days. You just wouldn't know it by me. The first night I came home from work, it was literally "hello/goodbye I'm on my way out". I was in bed by the time she got home. Second night I came
home from work and her gf was here visiting.
As soon as she left, FO #1 went to visit her grandparents. I was in bed by the time she got home. The third night I was home a grand total of 15 minutes before friends called her to go out and see fireworks. I was, of course, in bed by the time she got home.
(I never realized what a fuckingly--that's a word, right?--boring life I lead. I work, I go to bed early. I work, I go to bed early.)
And tonight when I come home from work, she'll have already left for Pburgh. The longest conversation I had with her was when she called me at work as soon as she arrived on Saturday morning. Whoopee.

Takeru Kobayashi has once again won the 4th of July hot dog eating contest, downing 49 hotdogs in 12 minutes. I saw this "competition" last year on tv and it was truly gross.
The guys were vomiting and eating at the same time.
You gotta REALLY REALLY want to win badly to do that. I believe that one of the prizes he gets for winning this contest is a year's supply of hot dogs.
I love this. One of his competitors is known as the Black Widow on the competitive eating circuit. Who the hell knew there even WAS a competitive eating circuit?! Here at the
Casa de Goddess, we hold competitive eating events all the time. Only we refer to them as "breakfast," "lunch" and "dinner."

A Russian man donned women's clothing to take a college exam for his sister. He was busted (pun intended) after his big boobies gave him away. Yeah, cuz Lord knows the full mustache wouldn't have been a clue.

Inmates in a New Mexico jail who cause trouble have to eat "prison loaf."
It's an entire meal ground up, floured, baked and served in a bread like form.
Actually that sounds kinda yummy for us fans of dough.

Monday, July 04, 2005

where is the love you said you'd give to me soon as you were free

HAPPY FOURTH OF JULY!!! **waves a flag**

A friend of mine suggested I get an audio blog.
You can post MP3's via your phone.
I'm like, ya know what? I simply canNOT handle one more blog!
THREE IS ENOUGH already.

I was reading an article that said Henry Fonda's (Jane & Peter's daddy) first two wives committed suicide. Damn. That would really most people a complex, wouldn't it? Not old Henry. He went on to marry three more times.

Another example of a good song being WASTED in a stupid commercial: Robert Palmer's "Simply Irresistible" being used in a "simply irresistibowl" ad. Sigh.

I like radio programs that list the people involved with the show. They tell you who produced it, who directed it, who gives a fart, who edits and who mixes the music. Why? Not like we're gonna look these people up or send 'em a thank you. And it's always vague names like "editing Tom Smith," "director Joe Black"....

Comedy Central is raving about Stella's stellar premiere. That's only because it premiered after a brand new Reno 911 ep. Take it out of that time slot and I'm guessing it's not going to be so stellar. Hell, if this thing lasts more than two months, I'll be stunned. And that's being generous cuz I know how FOX likes to hang on to really asshole shows in the hopes that people will suddenly like them. Perhaps CC will do the same with Stella. Case in point, one of their new reality shows--why, oh why can't this farking trend END ALREADY?! there's NOTHING real about reality shows--features the two sons of a wealthy record producer. Their father has laid down the law--they must get jobs or they'll be kicked out of the house. Does ANYBODY care?!

So I watched a couple episodes of "Being Bobby" yesterday. Shoot me already. I was bored. Really bored. Ripping a scab off just to see if it'll bleed much bored.
The best way I can describe the show is thusly: it's like watching two drunken bums
trying to convince you their life is really exciting and worth viewing, but you sit there thinking, who the hell are they trying to convince? Us or themselves?? Ok, my favorite part of the one ep was where Whitless bitched about being followed by the media. Um, HELLO?! YOU HAVE CAMERAS IN YOUR HOUSE AND FOLLOWING YOU 24/7 TO PIMP YOURSELVES AND YOU'RE BITCHING ABOUT ATTENTION FROM THE MEDIA??!! Here's a quarter, buy yourself a clue. I predict these two asswipes will be signing autographs at the opening of a Piggly Wiggly a few years from now GRATEFUL to have ANYBODY want their autograph.
Ok, so this is what the show basically consists of: Bobby telling us over and over how much he loves Whitless, the obligatory "we're so in luvvvv" kiss every five seconds and Whitless & Bobby breaking into song and dance in public like they're in the middle of an episode of FAME. In the one ep I watched, Bobby says, "The best thing in the world is to come home to your family. To let them know you'll always be there for them. She's my special lady. That's why I love her." The ep before that? Bobby was dragged into court for having slapped the crap out of Whitless. Oh, yeah, they's in luuuuv. I loved how he tried to make it seem that he was so innocent and the cops just had it in for him, esp when he mentioned that "Georgia was the first state to imprison slaves."
Oh yeah, liken yourself to a slave, Bobby.
What's really interesting is that guys who abuse their spouses have a pattern they follow. They isolate them from their friends and family and make them feel like no one will ever want them, but they also convince them that their possessiveness is due to LOVE, not control. Bobby dropped Whitless off at the hotel in one ep to watch the kids while he went out nightclubbing. Some hot chick was rubbing her body all over him. The next day he takes Whitless to a spa and when a masseur comes out for her, Bobby's adament that the guy will NOT touch his wife and he insists on a female. And Whitless is all, "Oh, Bobby's not joking. You won't be massaging me" like it's out of love when it's just a controlling mechanism. So you're thinking Bobby then had a masseur for himself, too, right? WRONG. He had a female. To sum up, these two are a MESS, they're obnoxious in public and it's really sad to watch.
(Not to mention super boring.)