Wednesday, June 29, 2005

i'm not crazy i'm just a little unwell

Not a whole heck of a lot going on today. I'm cleaning. Whoopee. I have to work on the 4th--of course--so I want my trailer semi-squeaky clean before I go back to work on Friday. Mr. G has three days off in a row, and Female Offspring #1 will be home, too, so God only knows what the place will look like when by Tuesday.

Gawd, I can't WAIT for my chiro appt next week. My right hip is killing me. I can handle a lot of things, but not getting a decent night's sleep because I'm in pain isn't one of them. Maybe the bending and stretching when I clean today will help.

Holly is totally avoiding me this morning--and rightly so. Last night I was laying on the living room floor trying to stretch out my back before I went to bed. At first she wouldn't let me alone, she kept trying to lay on top of me. I finally got her to lay beside me and she was chewing what I THOUGHT was her friggin' bone. I stood up about ten minutes later and the little brat had taken my head band off--I was wearing it when I laid down and it was the ONLY good head band I own--and chewed it all up. She had eaten most of it of the padding and all of the material that covered it. Yesterday afternoon she was chewing and ripping up the linoleum in the laundry room. I can't wait to go back to work, cuz I've just had it with her destructivness!!
(Talk about avoidance issues.) She gets plenty of exercise and I have a HUGE basket full of bones, chew toys, squeeky toys and what have you for her to play with, too. She ignores all that stuff and tears into my stuff.
If I find ONE MORE SHREDDED MAXI PAD...
What really gets me are these trainers who say, "All you have to do is say NO and yank her." Right. I've said NO! to that dog so many times, she probably thinks it's her name. And if I yank her anymore SHE'S going to need a chiropractic adjustment. I thought she was being destructive because she was caged so much so we decided to let her out of the cage at night and upstairs with us. Well that hasn't helped one iota. As a matter of fact, it's worse because I spend more time wondering what havoc she's wreaking when I'm supposed to be sleeping. I can't afford obedience training and I don't know if I'll live to see her "settle down." When everybody tells me Labs are so EASY to train, I'm thinking that maybe she is NOT a full blooded Lab. As a matter of fact, I'm certain I'm right about the half Lab/half woodchuck lineage.
(3:30 p.m.) I am so not getting any cleaning done.
I'm busy watching Prancer. God I heart that movie. When it got to the part where Prancer went into the farmhouse and began destroying everything, I said, "Look, Holly, that's just like you!" But she didn't answer. She's still sulking about the Head Band Incident of '05.

One wife whose blog I read all the time, wrote the do's and don'ts of being a cop for her husband, so I'm going to write the do's and don'ts of being a grocery store assistant manager for my husband. First up, the don'ts:
1. Don't hand my husband your list of lottery numbers as he walks by and ask him to get them for you so you don't have to stand in line.
2. Don't call my husband "hey you!" "boy!" or "sonny!" He has a name, and it's none of those. His name is clearly displayed on the name tag he wears on his chest.
3. Don't keep asking my husband to find items on your grocery list because you're too lazy to look for them yourself.
4. Don't think it's ok to ram my husband from behind with your grocery cart, then walk away without apologizing.
5. Don't expect my husband to know what type of car you drive. When he goes out into the parking lot with your cart full of groceries, he needs a little more of a description of the car other than, 'the blue one' or 'the small one' or (his favorite) 'now you know which car I drive!'
6. Don't wait until the last minute to ask my husband to set aside 95 boxes with lids because you're moving tomorrow.
7. Don't ask my husband to special order something for you if you have no intention of picking it up. If something happens that you can't, have the decency to call and let him know.
8. Don't bitch to him about the high cost of groceries. He's not responsible for setting the prices and surprise, surprise, we have to pay them, too.
9. Don't think my husband has a limitless amount of time to stand around and yak it up. You might be shopping, but he's working.
Tell him about your colon problems some other time.
10.Don't point my husband out to your screaming brats, then tell them that the "bad man will hurt them if they don't behave."

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

and the journey makes the goodbye harder still

Good farking grief. What gives with those militant, no sense of humor Imogen Heap fans? Do you believe they are STILL emailing me about the lyric/comment that some chick sent me that I put on my Stoopid Lyrics page?! Gawd, somebody give those chicks a dictionary so they can look up the word "tongue-in-cheek."

(2 p.m.) Elena emailed me today. She's looking for a "good man" and is going to be in "my country" in a few days and she wants to meet me. She said if I didn't have a girlfriend or a wife, that I should email her back to make arrangements. As you all know, I don't have a wife at the present time, and lord knows I NEED one. So I emailed her back. We're going to meet on Friday of next week. I can't wait. Just think somebody to do the washing and cleaning and cooking around here. My prayers have been answered before they were even uttered. Amen.

I purchased some African black soap today.
It was made in, of course, China.

One of the guys on Y & R got his hair cut short and it's such an improvement. I'm not a fan of long(er) hair, but I am DEFINITELY not a fan of greasy, dirty hair and his was like that most of the time. I don't understand why actors and actresses come on tv looking like that. The chick who played Jackie on Roseanne comes to mind immediately. Her hair was always flat and greasy looking. UGH.

Hindsight is 20/20 (or so "they" tell me), but it just occured to me that when I had my llamas, I should have named one Dolly. Get it? Dolly Llama ...Dali Lama? We already have a cat named Buddha, the llama would have fit right into my sacriligeous menagerie.
BWAHAHAHAHA...ha...ha. Sigh.
You people just don't appreciate my quirky (NOT PECULIAR) sense of humor.

Monday, June 27, 2005

though your dreams may toss and turn you down

(noonish) Ok so I was being a bit facetious about the whole psychic stuff, except for the second "prediction," I really feel that coming. But I do listen to my intuition alot. If I've been pondering a problem or situation, I always wake up singing some kind of song in my head in the mornings, and I like to pay attention to what it is because it usually harkens back to the problem I was thinking about before I fell asleep. Last night I was worrying about Mr. G's health and this morning, I woke up singing a Cat Stevens' song in my head, "Oh Very Young". "Oh very young
What will you leave us this time
Youre only dancing on this earth for a short while..."
That song.
More specifically, I was singing the lines, "Though you want to last forever you know you never will and the goodbye makes the journey harder still." My subconscious never lets me down. It always speaks to me via things that are familiar to me, and always allows me to get better perspective on things.

(11 a.m.) I had to go to the store to replace my phone cord this morning, so that takes care of prediction #1 that I would go some place. When I came outside, the water dude was reading the meter and I said, "Wow. I haven't seen you for months," and he gave me some explanation about being off work for awhile, taking care of prediction #3. Now all I need is for prediction #2 to occur and I'm on a roll.

(12 a.m.) Not a lot of people know this, but I'm fairly psychic. I sense things before they happen. For instance, I know that at some point this week, someone will ask me to do something that I have mixed feelings about, but I'll do it for them. I know I'm going to go some place, and I also know that I will encounter someone that I haven't seen in a long time. Hey, don't ask me how, I just know. I'm seriously considering getting a job writing astrology readings.

I was online last night while Holly was in the hallway chewing frantically on one of her many, many soup bones. The next thing I knew, I was disconnected from my ISP. I tried connecting again, and I received the "no dialtone" error. Evidently the phone cord that connects my modem to the wall jack that I had stretched down the hallway got caught up in the bone chewing and she chewed through it right along with the bone. But all was not wasted because I used the next few hours to work on my novel instead of chitter chatting.

Not a lot of people know this, but I'm fairly psychic. I sense things before they happen. For instance, I know that at some point this week, someone will ask me to do something that I have mixed feelings about, but I'll do it for them. I know I'm going to go some place, and I also know that I will encounter someone that I haven't seen in a long time. Hey, don't ask me how, I just know. I'm seriously considering getting a job writing astrology readings.

So I posted to a string on the COPS forum cuz I just couldn't resist. Chicks are always starting these "Do you think cops are HOTT?" strings and most of us find them amusing, much the same way you find a child repeating the same thing over and over amusing. But one chick posted that she "almost dated two cops" from Phoenix and her indepth description of them was that they were "tall." I started howling when I read that, I just couldn't help it. I mean shit that was every bit as humorous as Mr. G describing the cop who stopped him as "burly." Yeah, him and every other cop in the country. So I posted the following, "I saw a cop from Phoenix on tv. He was about 6' tall, had short dark hair, wore mirrored sun glasses and he walked with a step. He was hot!! Does anybody know who he is??"

Sunday, June 26, 2005

one lie tells a thousand stories

A German woman ALLEGEDLY left her small child behind after she fled as police tried to arrest her for shoplifting. Police accused her of "abandoning" the three month old while the security dude attempted to check her identification. This it total bullshit! No doubt the stress (or the excitement) of being hauled away by cops caused her to momentarily "forget" everything, including her child.
It's like when you take 15 offspring to the mall and only come back with 3. It can happen to ANYBODY, damn it!! It doesn't mean you're a "bad mom" and it certainly doesn't mean your application for the Mother of the Year contest should be tossed out then shredded and sent back as confetti!!

I see there is going to be a new channel for gays and lesbians, called Logo. Hmm, I thought the gay network was called home and garden tv?

NEWSFLASH!!!!!
I just want to go on record--after having to defend myself for the 900th time (898 times of which was to South)--and say that I CAN BE THE SOUL OF DISCRETION!! (And once in a while I AM!)
Contrary to popular belief I DO NOT BLAB EVERYTHING I KNOW!!
It just SEEMS like it because I talk about a lot of different topics. It's like I explained to Female Offspring #1 , who once said, "Mom, why is it that everybody SEEMS to know our business?"
I said, "Honey, it just SEEMS that way.....because they do."
But I CAN and DO keep secrets as evidenced by this emoticon shown HERE which you can't see cuz this is sucky Google.
And now for some examples. When I interviewed Mom South way back when, she told me Mike was a bedwetter until he turned 10. I've told NO ONE.
To this DAY I take that secret to the grave with me!
Even when I get PISSED OFF at people, I never reveal their secrets. As many times as South and I have verbally duked it out, have I EVER given out his passwords on the internet so people could see free bukkakes?! OK there was that ONE TIME when I "accidentally" posted it on 15 different forums,
but it's NEVER HAPPENED SINCE!
OR how about the time South told me he had a crush on **insert the name of any Digital Playground contract girl except the one he doesn't like here**, I never told anyone. And "WHY" do you ask? (Because no one really cares? they answered.) Because I AM THE SOUL OF DISCRETION! As a matter of fact, I might just change my moniker from "Goddess of the Universe" to "Soul of Discretion".
But because he doubted me, the next time I get a few minutes,
I'm going to copy and paste EVERYTHING Zal
told me last night, INCLUDING how he
likes to wear women's underwear cuz he likes the way
the silk feels when it "caresses" his (shaved) balls....


I was chatting to someone about the difference between the COPS forum and the Young & the Restless forum. The COPS forum gets lively when sumdumchik gets on there posting about how she has sex with cops and they all love her and want to fuck her, blah blah. Some of them get downright vulgar (for a family oriented forum), but most of them are hilarious. Then everyone blasts said chick while she continues to try to "prove" she's telling the truth. One even came on and pretended to be the wife of an officer that frequents the board. Now THAT was hysterical. She said she needed $ for food and then asked another chick to be in a threesome with her and her "husband." Their command of the "English" "language"--usually a lack thereof--is always a dead giveaway.
The only way the Y & R forum gets heated is if someone makes a crack about one of the black people on the show and the black posters get all pissed off saying it's about race. UGH. I HATE that sort of shit. Who CARES what color skin they have? A bad actor is a bad actor is a bad actor, and we should be allowed to make fun of them regardless of the color of their skin!
**I will now step down off of my soap box...*trips *falls*

Happy Birthday to Maxxxxxxxx (a Million) Beaver.

Another hilarious comment from Mr. G: "Why don't you put return address labels on our bills? You know that drives me nuts!"
BINGO!!

I see Renault has a new $6000 car on the market.
No more of those fancy, high priced $10K Kias for us.
My fav part of this is the fact that they consider "...a radio, power steering, and metallic paint" extras.

Saturday, June 25, 2005

no seriously. who IS mike jones

A hearty "hello" to all those people reading
my site from the Cocos (Keeling) Islands! [Wherever the hell they are...]
And all my Brunei people!

WOW. Now that I've read the tourism board's description of Cocos Islands, I WANNA GO THERE. The pics are gorgeous! Yes, yes I DO wish I could leave all the cares of the world behind! Hmm, maybe I'll convince Mr. G to drive me there. Oh wait. They're in the Indian Ocean, off the coast of Australia.(WAAAY off.) We might not be able to drive all that way. Too lengthy a trip. OH! And they're right near CHRISTMAS ISLAND!! I always wanted to go there, too. It's nice to know that in leaving all their cares behind they're still reading my site.

Stat programs tell you the search string that brought people to your site. Some of my favorite search strings
this month, along with commentary:
"wife left me for a man her own age" the NERVE of her!
"stories+ papaya+masturbation" don't have a clue..
"bon appetite bukkake" ewwww
"dude shot himself" could we be a big more vague?
"guilty feet won't dance" cuz they got no rhythm
"wife wears vibrator at party" beats wearing a dress
"my wife likes to be passed around" lordy, don't we all?
"stalking your crush" don't DO it!! it will only end up with him telling you you were a LOUSY STALKER!! THE BASTARD!!
"sex+letereture" how 'bout "sex+spell checker"?
"what kind of wife wants dirty talking during lovemaking" ALL of 'em!
"man getting a handjob on stage" send me the addy of this place. I wanna go there…
"cocksucking nuns" so what else is new?
"strip scrabble game" strip SCRABBLE? there's strip SCRABBLE now?! why have I been playing it with my clothes on all this time?
"nope no anal" well that pretty much says it all

who is mike jones

Mr. G actually yelled this at me during a heated argument
the other day, "I think you take great
delight in putting the recyclable cans in with the burnables."
And he was really MAD when he said it.
I started laughing so hard, I just couldn't help myself.

And now a Yahoo headline: "Tests Confirm Second
Mad Cow Case in U.S." Perhaps the cow wasn't
so much "mad" as it was "peeved"? I mean what test
can unequivocally prove the extent of a cow's ire?
Speaking of Yahooo headliners, here's another:
"Cruise clashes with Lauer on "Today" Show."
Big deal. Cruise got "testy." Unless they're on the
floor duking it out, IT'S NOT NEWSWORTHY!!

I'm receiving many of the "15 minutes is enough
to make your night unforgettable" emails.
Hell, 5 minutes is all I need. I can spend it
chucking recyclable cans into the burnables...

Everybody sing, "O*R*E*O!"

Friday, June 24, 2005

101 days that made me older

I'm reading a romance novel and here's the conversation while they're having sex:
Her: "Magic. You were always like magic."
Him: "Not me. You. You're like a spirit who will appear or disappear at will. I'm never sure if you actually exist or if you're a moment's fantasy."
Here's the conversation Mr. G and I have while we're having sex:
Me: "Oh...oh...oh...oooooh...
oh......oh....oh...ooooh."
Mr. G's conversation during sex: " yeeeeah suck my cock."


(1:30 p.m.) Tim Case writes : "speaking of music videos...
how about that jessica simpson clip for "these boots
are made for walkin"? Holy shit!"
I haven't seen that one yet. Ya know VH1 & MTV2 only show about one hour of music vids a day. If ya blink, ya miss it all.
BTW, it's good to see you're updating again!

(11:30 a.m.) I'm so excited and I just can't fight it!
Well it's official and congratulations are DEFINITELY in order.
I'M GONNA BE A GRANDMA!!
My tomato plants are PREGNANT! This is the first time they've gotten pregnant ON TIME. Last year I recevied my topsy turvey planters too late, so they didn't get pregnant until August which meant hard green tomatoes in September that I had to toss away. The year before in the ground planters they hated each other so much they refused to fuck, no matter how much I coaxed them.
But THIS time...THIS time..oh gawd,
I'm tearing up.

(10 a.m.) It's a beautiful day in Pennsylvania!!

The more I think about it the Backstreet BOYS might want to change their name now. Anything that would distance them from a boy band might be a good idea. Anything that would distance them from the U.S. airwaves would be an even better idea.

Concerning my comment about Kelly Osburne's latest video showing her walking down hallways looking very intent, Zal writes: "Kelly was intently looking at the craft services table at the end of that hallway..." Since he never fails to make me laugh, I think it's time to bestow a smiley on Zal. And since he always uses the *thud* thing, the thud one it is .

one hundred days that made me older

Damn. I'm having problems shifting my vibrator from one gear to another. My guess is the transmission is slipping.

I have very, very sad news, kids. Not only are the Backstreet Boys back together but they're planning a world tour. They said they reunited because they missed "it." It being globs of money and free sex, I'm guessing.

What gives with Eric Roberts and music vids lately? I saw him in The Killer's vid and today I saw him in Mariah Carey's vid. I like Mariah, and I think she's a beautiful woman, but she over did it with the boobs. Every time I see her I can't help but stare at her big fake titties. She went from totally flat to HUGE and they're AlWAYS hanging out. And I mean hanging...

So last night I was laying in bed with Mr. G (who else, ya ass?!) and I said, "Honey. I'm sad because whenever I see chicks like the Pussycat Dolls I wish I was young and hot and had it to do all over again." He said, "Don't you think there are times that I wish I could go back and do it all over again, too?" And I said, "Umm, HELLO ?? This is MY pity party, not yours."

Before going to bed, I dragged Mr. G outside to dazzle him with my knowledge of astronomy. I pointed to three bright planets all close together and said, "Look, honey. I believe that's Mercury, Venus and Saturn." I made sure to rub my chin while I said it so as too look very intelluctual. Then I added, "And do you HOW I know this? Because I got an "A" in Science."
Mr. G: "You know this because you just read it
in the paper five minutes ago."
Me: "That is NOT tru--oh BITE ME already!"
The man NEVER gives me science credit for anything!
I mean so what if he's right!

Ever hear of the show Pimp My Ride? Mike South is starring in a new one called Pimp My Hide. The premise is that he uses hot girls to get him other hot girls. Oh, wait. That's not a show. That's his life. Never mind.

I went to the electronics store today to check but a new cd/stereo. After she finished talking on her cell phone to her boyfriend and making dinner arrangements, I asked the counter chick if they had any more of the stereos that were advertised in the paper.
She wasn't sure but said, "I'll axe, a'ite?"
I can't believe she didn't toss in an "oh no you di'nt!" to really make my day complete. There are times I'd just like to scream, "SPEAK ENGLISH!"

I didn't think I'd like it, but I like the mother/son team of Patti D'Arbanville and Jason Wiles on Third Watch. Patti, of course, has a son to Don Johnson and is the subject of the song Lady D'Arbanville by Cat Stevens. It's always strange, too, to see someone you once considered a hot sexpot playing the role of Mom.

Sweet Berry Punch toothpaste by Crest.
Does that not SOUND ever so healthy? You just KNOW there's some sort of sweetner in it (usually sorbitol) which kinda defeats the whole purpose of using toothpaste.

I saw the video for "One Word" by Kelly Osbourne. It has a LOT of clips of Kelly walking down hallways looking very intent.

S'mores anyone?

Thursday, June 23, 2005

sorry but i gotta move on with my life

Only ONE MORE DAY!!! And then SEVEN DAYS OF BLISS!!
(Is it my imagination or do I say this every week?)

Damn it! I SWEAR Holly is part Lab/part woodchuck. Grrrrrr.

Wow. I found an old diary I kept when I was about 10 or 11 years old. I can't believe how exciting my life was back then. Here's a few entries:
"January 15th. Dear Diary. I HATE my mother and father!! They don't understand me. When I marry Chad Everett and have his babies, I'll move far far away to Hollywood to live with him and I won't have to DEAL with my parents anymore! Life will be so fun being Mrs. Chad Everett! I can't wait."

"March 1st Dear Diary. I still have heard back from Chad. I know he's gotten my letters. His current wife is probably giving him a hassle over the divorce. I will wait for him FOREVER!!"

"March 2nd. Dear Diary. I'm sick of waiting for Chad. Last night I wrote to Bobby Sherman. I love him. I want to marry him and have his babies." See? Even at the tender age of ten I was smart enough to hedge my bets.
Here's yet another entry:
"March 3rd. Dear Diary, No word from Chad OR Bobby. Don't they know how much I love them?! How I would die for them?! I think I'll write to David Cassidy. I love him and want to have his babies."

Hmm, thank God I've changed from my younger days. Otherwise, I would have ended up all alone with a ton of different babies to a
ton of different men--umm, never mind.

I love the way news reporters play up the drama. Jane Pauley was interviewing a man and woman who had been kidnapped in Iraq, then released five days later. She was saying that before they were released, the Emir promised them he would not kill them but that they had to stay in captivity one more night because the Americans were closing the road they would need to travel on. That evening, American soldiers attacked the place they were staying and the Emir was killed. Jane Pauley said, "Did his promise to not kill them die along with him? We'll find out next." Um, HELLO? Obviously not since they're sitting on the stage right next to you!!!

I was thinking today about the girl that was missing in Aruba while on a high school graduation trip. Actually I was thinking about the trip itself. What kind of school can afford to send the kids to ARUBA for their school trip? When I graduated from high school our senior class trip was to the local Dairy Queen. And even then we were only allowed to go IF we could afferd to pay for our own damn Dilly Bars.

I didn't get to see COPS last night, but I'm guessing
the Coco the Clown ep ran. I can
always tell when that ep is on because I have all
sorts of search strings on my stats page concerning Coco.

I see EPT is coming out with a new pregnancy kit that is more definitive in it's responses. Instead of the pink/blue system which NOBODY could decipher because the answer always seemed to be a pinkish blue color, it will print the words "pregnant" or "not pregnant." Big deal. We had those back in the day when I was getting pregnant left and right. Instead of the pregnant/not pregnant phrasing, the old ones used to say, "Ya ASSHOLE!" if you were pregnant or "PHEW! Dodged another bullet" if you weren't. Each kit came with a prayer to say while you were waiting for the results.
It went like this (see? I've had to use the test so many times, I can recite the prayer from memory): "Dear Lord, Please do/don't (pick one) let me be pregnant. If I am/am not (pick one) pregnant, I promise I will
**insert type of big sacrifice you're willing to pretend you'll make if the test comes out the way you want it to here**.
And I promise you, Lord, that I won't forget this vow five seconds after I get the results I want. Thank You, Lord."
Ya know they SAY you can't bargain with the Lord, but that's not true. You just have to make sure He's not busy trying to determine the outcome of the Super Bowl or the World Series when you ask Him.

I thought the Runaway Bride was pathetic trying to make money off of her experience--and she is--but now Ashley Smith, the chick who spent all of two hours talking to the Atlanta courthouse shooter is writing HER book. He held her captive in her apartment for two hours then she called 911 when he let her go. Of the book writing experience, she said, "God is calling me to use this opportunity..." Yeah, to scam others out of their hard earned money.
Why does "God's plan" always involve people bettering themselves financially?

Now "let's all go to the lobby and have ourselves a treat!"

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

i know you like me i know you do

R. Kelly's "In the Closet" gets my vote for "dumbest song to come down the pike in a long time." That would be Pt 1 of 5, btw. Oy. A five part song? Puhleeze. I hate part one. Lord knows I'm dreading pts 2-5. Anywho the premise of the song is some guy (R Kelly) is shagging a married chick and her husband comes home before he has a chance to leave, so she tells him to hide...sigh...in the closet. What irritates me is that the song is like half spoken/half sung...you have to hear it to know what I mean.
It's annoying at best.

Special thanks to the chick who linked to my lyrics page
on a forum saying how FUNNY it was.
Take that you no sense of humor Imogen Heap forum chicks.

I have developed an allergy to SOMETHING and it's driving me nuts. The skin on my face is incredibly dry and flaky, it's awful. It feels like sandpaper. My eyes are either really dry or watering. Usually I get this reaction if I've taken a medication I'm allergic to, but I haven't taken anything out of the ordinary. I thought maybe it was the artificial sweetener in a diet soda I had yesterday and Sunday, so I stopped all soda, and I still don't have any relief. I also get this reaction when my pillow cases have been washed in detergent with fragrance in it, but I used that ALL Clear crap last time I washed, so I have no idea what's causing this, but I AM MISERABLE.

I was watching a movie yesterday afternoon based on a true story, concerning pedohiles on the internet and a mother who pretended to be a young teen to lure them in with the intent of prosecuting them. What made me laugh was when Annie Potts--clearly in her 50's when this pic was made--pretended to be FOURTEEN. Yeah, right. Granted she has the body of a young girl, but the face? Uh uh.

don't phunk with my heart

Ok, since soooome people (Hi, Zal) seem to need to know the
THEME of my post, here's the theme of today's post: if life gives you lemons, make lemonade. if life gives you millions of dollars in lottery money, hire somebody to make your frickin' lemonade.
There ya have it. Today's "theme". Are we happy now?

Goddess' Cute CopS O'The Week AwardS go to: Officer Christopher Smith and Officer Brian Miller of the Chatanooga, Tenn Police Department.
They can double team me any day.

WE (Mr. G & I, just to be clear) HAD HOT, PHUNKY SEX LAST NIGHT!!
**insert cheesy porno music here**
Don't know why, but I just felt the urge to shout it
from the rooftop (and from my desktop, too).

While South LOVED my Pam in the ice cube tray idea, he suggests you dab the trays with a bit of Quaker State. The 10W40 grade, of course. Damn. Why didn't I think of that?! The ice cubes would REALLY release neatly with Quaker State.

I was reading an article about brain health and it said that you should challenge your brain daily. I do that all the time. Just yesterday I challenged it to tell me what the hell I drove all the way to Dollar General for. Unfortunately, my brain didn't rise to the challenge until AFTER I finished checking out. Grrrrrrr...

A new study shows that the scent of grapefruit on women
make them seem about six years younger than they really are to men.
It also stated that when men mixed the grapefruit juice with an alcoholic beverage and drank it, the women not only seemed younger, they seemed much more attractive and highly intelligent, too.

Monday, June 20, 2005

everybody knows what to do about my misery everyone but me

Time for another edition of "Trailerhold Hints from Goddess." If you have problems getting your ice cubes out of the tray cleanly, try spraying the trays with Pam before you freeze the water next time.
You're welcome.
Hmmm, I wonder if a person can get SSI for being domestically disabled?

I saw a tv ad aimed at recruiting new Hooters chicks. Natch they were all young, in their 20's and minus 20's. I think that's wrong and I'm going to do something about it. I'm starting MY OWN sexist restaurant using hot waitresses over the age of 30. I'm gonna call it Mammaries.

I saw the new Minnesota quarter and it is
inscribed thusly, "Land of 10,000 Lakes." Ya know why?
Because "Land of Friggin' Cold Temperatures" wouldn't fit.

I was reading a story on Yahoo about children who were born via artificial insemination and are now tracking down their fathers. And in some cases, the mothers are tracking the men down. I think this is WRONG, WRONG, WRONG on the part of the mothers hunting them down. IMHO, it's wrong because the women knew going in that the men wanted to remain anonymous and that it was nothing more than a business deal. See? Women fuck everything up. They always want to change the terms of an agreement. They get all romantic and emotional. Comes from reading too many romance novels.
If it had been the other way around and somehow women were responsible for getting guys pregnant, they'd never in a million years look for us. They'd just be so damn grateful that they didn't have to get
into a relationship to get pregnant. (Oddly enough, so was I.)
In the case of the kids hunting down their fathers, it's kind of a grey area. On one hand, they have a right to know about the man who "fathered" them, but on the other, it was a business arrangement, not a romance. I know some places allow the donor to request that he'd like to meet the offspring or that he'd like to remain anonymous. If I was the product of an insemination instead of Mom fulfilling her "wifely duties", I think I'd try to track the man down without him knowing about it and try to find out who he was that way so I could "know" about him, without intruding on his life. I also think the amount of donations a man can give should be limited. One dude on Oprah fathered like 30+ kids, can you imagine if they ALL came looking for him?! ICK. AND an even bigger concern--what if by chance these kids meet in the future and want to marry, not knowing they're related?? Gross.

Well I knew it was gonna happen, I'm just surprised it took so long. Some fuckwit publisher paid that runaway bride
twit a $500k advance for her story. WHAT STORY?!
Only in America do you get rewarded for shirking your responsiblities and worrying your family spitless.Oh yeah, and let's not forget lying, falsely accusing someone of sexual assault and duplicity, which is just a fancy way of saying lying yet again.

I was so bored that I finally decided to just give in and watch Liar Liar on Sunday afternoon. Yaya I know it's almost ten years old at this point(!), but I figured why not? The premise of the story is cute, as you probably ALL know by now. The little boy makes a wish that his father, a lawyer played by Jim Carey, can't lie for an entire 24 hours. Well, 30 minutes into the pic, I was reminded of why I always hate Jim Carey flicks. Not unlike Bruce Almighty, which I was dying to see and ended up hating, Jim is typically in movies with good plots, which he manages to screw up with his stupid, repetitive, over the top slapstick "acting." I give it two middle fingers up. HATED IT!

Then I flipped over to the 50 Most Outrageous TV Moments hosted by Jerry Springer. Don't waste your time on this either. Instead of SHOWING you a lot of the TV moments, they TOLD you about most of them. Hello?! They were ON tv. You freaking HAVE the footage, especially since a lot of them dealt with the newer reality tv shows. Show it!! And they were really outrageous, too. Like the one from "How Clean is Your House?" where it showed the old chicks bitching about how dirty a house was--not like you hear THAT over and over every stinking week, huh?
(Get it? Stinking? "How Clean is--" Never mind.)
My favorite reality tv moment is still the one where the chick tells the guy she picked to be her man that she used to date Fabio. He thought it was "devestating news" that "almost destroyed them." Damn. Doesn't take much to "destroy" them, does it? It showed him going out into the ocean, like it's the most upsetting news he'd ever received. You would have thought she'd just told him he'd won a lifetime supply of High Karate.
And that he has to wear it, he can't GIVE. IT. AWAY.
He's like, "I mean, Fabio. I think every man on the planet is with me on this one." Yeah, every man on the planet is intimidated by some plastic, long haired, narcissistic hippie. Puhleeze.

Another great moment on the show was when they showed a clip from the Jerry Springer show and the one chick yelled
to the other, "You're a whore! A H*O*R*E!"

As a rule, I hate country music except for a few Shania tunes here and there, but ever since I read that Kenny Chesney told Renee Zellweger, his new wife, that he wanted her to fatten up, well, he's been my hero.

Sunday, June 19, 2005

i have forever always tried to stay clean and constantly baptized

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY to all the fathers of all my offspring. Long may those support checks arrive. Oh, yeah and have a good day.

I can't begin to say how grateful I am
that when South sent me my "damn camera"
he included batteries and a charger. Hell, if a person had
to keep buying batteries for a digital camera, they'd go broke!

I heard on the "NEWS" (or lack thereof) that one thing that contributed to the stress the runaway bride when she took off for Splitsville was feeling was "the pressures of planning a wedding for 600 guests, and 28 bridesmaids and groomsmen". I have two questions: a. who the fuck put the gun to her head and forced her to have such a lavish, "for show" wedding? and b. if she can afford all that wedding bullshit why is it that she can't afford to pay the bill the city footed for her disappearing act?

Hmm, CNN listed the five most dangerous jobs for teenagers:
1. Agricultural field work
2.Construction
3. Groundskeeping and lawn services
4. Work involving tractors and all terrain vehicles
5. door to door selling
Odd. I thought surely prostitution and babysitting would have made the list.

On Y & R, a chick is just finding out this week that her dad's sperm was stolen and used to father another girl on the show. Even though her sibling and other family members all knew months ago, no one bothered to tell her. This prompted me to immediately email my sister and say, "Look. If anybody steals Daddy's sperm and impregnates themself, for God's sake, TELL ME!! Don't let me find out from a stranger!!"
To which she replied, "Finally got that bottle of wine opened, huh?"



Saturday, June 18, 2005

trying to make this one dimensional the way i feel is sexual

I was watching COPS from Atlanta on Friday afternoon, and this guy broke into an apartment. He told the cops that the door was wide open and when he went inside, stuff was stewn everywhere, so he cleaned it up. The cop said, "So you went inside a place you didn't know just to clean it up?" Then he said, "You deserve an award for being a Good Samaritan." He led him over to the police car and put him inside saying, "We're gonna take you downtown so you can pick up your award." What made me laugh about this ep was that the guy broke into the apartment via a window in the back but the front door was padlocked. He told the cops somebody broke his window and when he tried to get out, he couldn't because the door was locked from the outside. Like that's not a big clue as to what was really went on.

I was perusing some sites the other day and I noticed that Maxxx Beaver was mocking people's names. He said, "with names like Larry & Billy Bob...fuck that name is hilarious...Billy Bob...would you call your kid that?"
I must say his comment really upset Male Offspring #1,
aka Petey Joe Bob (you know, the firebug?) when I told him about it.
So much so that the last I heard my poor baby was packing
up his beaver traps and heading North to hunt for Canadian beaver.
And I don't mean the "fuck me harder" kind either.

If you're down in the dumps and you need to hear some false flattery to raise your flagging sense of self esteem, try calling your credit card company and telling them you want to cancel your card. They'll start out with, "Ok that's no problem." Then they'll tell you they need to put you on with an "account specialist" (aka professional butt kiss) to finalize things. P.B.K will then spend the next 10 or 15 minutes SUCKING YOUR ASS. Ya better do it soon because if the economy improves (not likely, huh?) who knows how long this will last. Last year if you called them it was "AND the horse you rode in on!" Now it's "Ma'am, you've been a loyal customer for two years. What can we do to keep you?" So I told him. "I prefer a nightly cunt licking and butt kissing, but I'll MAKE DO with an every other night cunt licking and butt kissing. Oh,and I prefer dippy eggs with my toast lightly browned, thank you very much." I even managed to get another 0% interest on balance transfers for 8 more months. What REALLY made me laugh was when dude said, "Ma'am, I'm so glad we're having this dialogue." I just wanted to add, "And I am not reading this from a script."

i was reading a romance novel last night and the hero was watching the heroine and thinking, "Her hair looks like spun gold glistening in the sunlight." You can tell these books are written by women. Guys don't think like that. Here's what a guy would be thinking in this same situation, Wow. Her hair is as yellow as a hunk of butter melting over a stack of Denny's panca-- "Hey! What are we having for supper?!" OR Wow. Her hair is as yellow as my piss after a six pack.

Today I received the email with the subject line, "Hi. My name is Lily. Wanna see me naked?" So I replied, "Hi. My name is Goddess. Hell NO!"

Ya know what's great about hanging out on the COPS forum? I've actually been in contact with some of the people and cops who have been on the show. What a hoot.

Friday, June 17, 2005

she's come undone

Alex sent me the news story of a cop who was arrested for videotaping women stripping in exchange for dropping charges for traffic offenses against them. Hmm, seems like a fair exchange to me.


I got some hits from Iran today AND from the
United Nations office in Geneva!! That is totally wild.
If the folks in Iran don't get their hands CHOP! CHOP!
I hope they come back...

After reading Zal's page, I learned that Tom Cruise and whatsherface are engaged. Sorry, but I find the whole thing down right creepy.
He's too damn old for her.

I can't believe that twit Katie Couric is having a prime time interview with the runaway bride.
[I'm just shocked she hasn't turned up on Oprah.]
And Zal bitches about Tom and Katie being on the news?!
I think it's stupid their story made the headlines, too, but at least we know them for some accomplishment other than running away and acting like a child.
And THEN Katie says, "The interview is FASCINATING."
Yeah, like the lifespan of a tapeworm is FASCINATING.
What I really can't believe is that her fiancé is still with her. Somebody smack him upside the head with a clue by four already.

Don't believe that story about the Pope talking on his cell to some nun who is seriously ill during a general audience in St. Peter's Square. It was really some 'ho returning the Pope's previously placed call to her phone sex line.

On Oprah today they were talking about sexual molestation among family members. Two women on the show were sisters yet mother and daughter. The grandfather had gotten sister #1 pregnant and she had sister #2, who was also her daughter. How fucking sick is that? My heart went out to those women. The daughter has all sorts of health problems from this, and although the women were older (30's/40's), they both looked tremendously sad, as if their spirits had been broken by this creep.

Thursday, June 16, 2005

blah blah blah

Hi ho hi ho it's back to work I go.
Damn, did this week off ever fly by.


"Law Enforcement: I joined because of the benefits,
I stayed because of the mace. "

Today I had yet another one of my "if you don't let go of it, I CAN'T THROW IT!!" conversations with Holly. We have at least three or four a day.

Zal sends this "news" story, along with the comment,"Bwahahahaha...
mebbe it'll have a screw-top for ya," referring, of course, to the still uncorked bottle of wine my bro-in-law gave me last month.

"Wal-Mart announced that they will soon be offering customers a new
discount item: Wal-Mart's own brand of wine. The world's largest retail chain is
teaming up with E&J Gallo Winery of California, to produce the spirits
at an affordable price, in the $2-5 range.

Wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to throw a bottle of Wal-Mart
brand into their shopping carts, but "there is a market for cheap wine", said
Kathy Micken, professor of marketing. She said: "But the right name is
important." Consumer research was conducted to determine the most
attractive name for the Wal-Mart brand. The top surveyed names in order
of
popularity are:
10. Chateau Traileur Parc
9. White Trashfindel
8. Big Red Gulp
7. World Championship Riesling
6. NASCARbernet
5. Chef Boyardeaux
4. Peanut Noir
3. I Can't Believe It's Not Vinegar!
2. Grape Expectations
And the number 1 name for Wal-Mart Wine:
1. Nasti Spumante
The beauty of Wal-Mart wine is that it can be served with either white
meat (Possum) or red meat (Squirrel)."

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

ain't no cure for the summertime blues

Today was the USED BOOKSALE!! YIPPEE!! I got soooooo many great romance novels and other books I've been wanting to read,
and all for a STEAL of a price!
YAY! Let the reading begin!!

Say what you will, I think its incredibly WEIRD when
a complete stranger (male) says, "Nice toe nail polish." Because now I know that he knows that I know that he has a foot fetish.
I mean RED IS RED, people!

Speaking of toe nails, where oh where is my houseboy/poolboy/gardner (even though we don't have a house, pool or a garden & he's not a boy) Manuel?
He told me he needed to visit his poor, sick mother in Meeheco
two weeks ago and he hasn't returned. That ungrateful...illegal!
Next time he calls here, I'm giving him an ultimatum: either you slap that old woman in a home and come kiss my ass pronto, Mexicano, or you'll be standing in the illegal alien unemployment line, which can be found in all 52 states.
I HATE HAVING TO DO THINGS FOR MYSELF!!
I need him to polish my toe nails!! I hate doing it myself.
I can never get it straight, especially on the little piggy that cried wee wee wee all the way home.

I noticed I'm getting a lot more readers going right to my journal page. YAY! AND you guys are graciously coming back for more!! Talk about your gluttons for punishment.

Michael Jackson's lawyer said "he's [Michael] not going to do that [let little boys sleep in his bed]..."
Well, at least, not in a way that we'll ever find out about it.

I was zipping around the web yesterday and
I noticed an ad that said "what is your car worth?"
I decided to check it out and find out exactly what my '97 Kia Sephia is worth. Turns out that if I decided to trade my car in at the dealership were I to buy a new one, I'd owe the dealership money just to take it off my hands.

Great. Now they're talking about raising the retirement age to 69.
We'll all be going to work with friggin' walkers by the time the gubment gets finished with us.

In chat last night, Keith said: "you're not over south"
OH! OH! I am over him like..like...like a
bridge over troubled water over him!"
Gawd, I hate it when I come up empty like that.

BTW, I really enjoy getting emails, but it would help if they made sense. Thanks. And if you plan on sending one that
DOESN'T make sense,(Hi, Brady)I'd appreciate
an explanation within the email so I have some clue. Thanks!

Tuesday, June 14, 2005

summertime blues

This morning, South and I were discussing, among other things, getting pregnant from a toilet seat. (One never knows where my conversations will go.) Anywho, I know people pooh pooh this, but you CAN get pregnant from a toilet seat. That is exactly how I got pregnant with Female Offsprings #3, #5, and #8. Course their respective sperm donors were also on the same toilet seat fucking my brains out but, that's neither here nor there. IT CAN HAPPEN!! SO BE WARNED!!
BTW, in case I haven't said it lately, I AM SO OVER MIKE!

hitchin' a ride

I'm on a "screw TV!!" rampage right now. I'm not watching Y&R OR Third Watch--scary, I know. I have a bad tendency to suddenly get sick of a show for no reason and that's what happened with Third Watch. Y & R is cuz of the sucky, totally unrealistic story lines right now. One concerns a drunk driving accident in which the wrong person is being accused of driving, and a third grader would have the smarts to say, "Hey, assholes, how 'bout checking things like the physical evidence, seat placement, and injuries consistent with being in the driver's seat? Especially since the person being accused of driving had only facial cuts and bruises, while the real driver had chest injuries that would be consistent with hitting the steering wheel on impact. But nooooooooooooo, this is Y & R. So they blame the guy solely on the fact that it was his vehicle
and he was the one that was drunk.
Of course, I'm still watching COPS, but ONLY if I've seen the repeat less than 10 times. I'm just not ready to give
up the boys in blue (and black and brown),damn it!!
And yes, I'll be watching and/or taping Reno 911 tonight.

As Michael Jackson "emerged from a central California courthouse on Monday, shaky and expressionless after his acquittal, the 46-year-old performer appeared more a victim of shell shock than a commanding King of Pop," so goes the story on Yahoo.
Well hell, no wonder. He's probably shocked his lawyers managed to find twelve people stupid enough to ignore what's staring them right in the face.

About 1:30 in the morning Holly started bitching a blue streak. Normally once she's in her crate, she's quiet, unless she's got the urge. Thinking she had to pee, I got her out of her crate and put her outside on her lead. A skunk or 'coon or some kind of animal was beside the house and she took a big leap and snapped her chain. This is like the fifth time she's done this, and it's NEVER at a convenient time. There I am in my shorty p.j.'s running through the yard, whispering really hard, "Holly COME!" She ran several places IN the yard, but thankfully didn't leave the yard. Unfortunately, for a wild mutt that's a lot of ground! I went back inside and waited for her to show up on the back porch, which is her usual stomping ground. Luckily it didn't take long and then she came right to me when I promised a treat. She was only running for about two minutes but it seemed like a life time to me cuz I'm afraid she's going to leave the yard. How the hell do you find a black Lab in the dead of night?! By the time it was over, she was panting like a horny sailor on leave and I was sweating like I should be on a spit with an apple on my mouth.

take me away i'm dying inside

Zal sent me this link. http://www.dreamstripper.com/Index.html
How desperate for action do you have to be to download a virtual stripper? I mean, yeah, you won't have to listen to her sob stories about how her old man doesn't understand her or do repairs on her trailer or feed her pre-school kids cuz she's too hung over to get out of bed in the morning, but come on. Take a chance on life!
VirtualStripper is way more expensive than LiveStripper cuz this one costs $25. (Oooo, five dolla discount, GI Joe!) You can probably stuff $1 in a chick's g-string at a club. That's a lot of "accidental" touching, my friends. My favorite thing about her "features"
is that you can "pause live action."
Let's not be coy, guys, this gives you time to get the tissues and lotion ready. The only thing I didn't see here was that you could pick her nationality. Tsk, tsk. They dropped the ball here. Hell, you can't even change her hair color and she's a (GASP!) brunette!

I started reading YET ANOTHER romance novel last night--no wonder I'm so farking horny. I've read 15 books since Friday afternoon! [AND this Wednesday is the first day of the USED BOOKSALE!!
Damn. I miss Female Offspring #1.
This was an annual summer event for the two of us. We'd come home with BAGS of books. ]
Ok back to the topic at hand. The novel was about this chick who everyone in her small town considered clumsy. So much so that they had a betting pool on when her next clumsy act would occur. Now this in and of itself is not a problem EXCEPT that the writer went overboard. By page 32, she'd gone over and over her problem like 1000 times and each incident of clumsiness was exaggerated. Like, she tripped, stumbled out into the flow of pedestrian traffic and when she tried to save herself she knocked the grocery bag out of the arms of the person beside her. The lady's fruit went flying everywhere and when clumsychick tried to gather it up and put it in her pockets, it fell out of a hole. The oranges rolled out into the street, one kid on a bike ran over one, a car had to swerve to avoid one and a guy carrying Chinese food had it knocked out of his hand by the kid on the bike. Can you say OVERKILL, kids? And it was this way EVERY DAMN TIME. That, mixed with the self pity crap had me ditching the book after only 30+ pages. Hey, if I want to look at a chick who is deeply mired in self-pity, I'll write my auto-bio, damn it.

I have to share this with those of you who don't read my LJ cuz some of Zal's comments are priceless. Remember yesterday when I talked about not wanting to stink like B.O. around Mr. G?
Zal responded: "Sneak a little vaporub on the tip of his nose, he won't smell anything..."
I replied: "Yeah, I'm sure it's gonna be easy to sneak Vicks VapoRub on a grown man's nose. I'm guessing the words "blow job" would have to be involved to pull that off...."
And he answered with, "Smear a little about 2 inches above yer nipple and stick yer tit in his mouth.
Geez, I thought babes were sposed to be sneaky..."
He never fails to make me laugh.

If you go to the YAHOO main page, over to the left hand side you'll see a big advert that says, "Broadband Stories, What's Yours?" from Verizon. If you click that, it'll take you to their site where people send in their "broadband stories".
I felt the need to send them MY story, and I hope they are touched by it enough to put it on their site. It goes a little something like this & feel free to hum the Verizon theme song as you read: "Ahhh broadband. Is there nothing it can't do? How the HELL would I know?! We don't freaking HAVE broadband in my area, Verizon, even though YOU ARE MY PHONE COMPANY!! It's not like we live in the farking WILDS OF BORNEO! NOW GET OFF YOUR LAZY ASSES AND DO YOUR JOBS!! And while we're at it, stop charging me almost $30 for stupid basic phone service!!"

I'm curious to see how often Michael Jackson goes to the hospital for
his "back problems" now that he's been found innocent. I mean, not that I think for one moment that Faker F.McFakee
was-- I mean Michael-- was faking it.

Don't forget: new eps of Reno 911 starting tonight at 10 p.m.

Monday, June 13, 2005

smile a little smile for me

MICHAEL JACKSON WHILE INNOCENT OF CHILD MOLESTATION CHARGES, HAS BEEN FOUND GUILTY OF BEING A BIG, FRICKIN' WEIRDO!!
(No film at 11. Thank God.)
So Michael Jackson got off. Whoopie. He's BEEN getting off. Because he's bad, he's bad you know it. Ok ok he was handed an innocent of all charges verdict which doesn't surprise me. I was hoping they'd find him guilty but when they didn't come back with a verdict right away, I knew the weirdo would walk. I told Alex and Zal that he's probably going to celebrate his win with a huge party. Young boys only. Alex said, "BYOB...bring your own boy." LOL. I love that.

I am SUPER HORNY this week and I don't know why. I'm guessing it's the romance novels. My poor little vibrator, Sgt. McFucky,
(he's been promoted from Officer McFucky) has been working overtime.
Ok why does that sound like a musical group,
McFucky and the Fuckettes?

(10:30 a.m.) Gawd it's frickin' hot again. Breakfast: a tbl of Smucker's natural peanut butter. Da crunchy kind! I pulled my clothes on just long enough to water the tomato plants and grab the mail and now I'm back in my jammies. What I really hate about hot weather is that I STINK. And before I even DO anything! I'm glad my husband isn't home. I don't like stinking around him. Anybody else, eh. But him, NO.

Oooo. Cops is re-running the ep with Officer Bill Nelson of the Jacksonville Police Department this weekend. He's sooooo hot.

Cats can be such bitches at times. Holly is outside right now barking and crying because Stupid (or not so stupid) Cat is laying in the window well, just 1/2 inch from where Holly can reach her.

Our local "news" station is pulling this sort of shit now, and it's cheesing me off. When they give the weather report they'll say,
"Today it will be 80° to 87°." Big fucking deal.
What's next? "Tomorrow it will either rain or be sunny."

coming out of my cage and i've been doing just fine

I OFFICIALLY HATE HOT WEATHER!!!
I get hungry but I'm too damn tired and hot to eat. So I usually end up drinking all day. (And no, Zal, not THAT kind of drinking.)
Here's what I had to eat on Sunday: a bowl of Special K, 2 naked hot dogs (ok three if you count Little Mr. G & four
if you count the cop I blew in my jilling fantasy--damn was he ever HUNG)
2 protein bars and a pear.

Michelle posted in her LJ about some chick who was talking about committing suicide in HER LJ and her "friends" were encouraging her to go for it. It's pretty damn sad when you talk about killing yourself and your friends ENCOURAGE you. I remember this one time I thought about killing myself. I told the offspring that I just couldn't go on anymore. I was too stressed out. They were so sweet. They rounded up all the prescription tranquilizers they could find for me and they even brought me a big ole glass of Jack Daniels to wash 'em down so I would feel less stressed about things.
Aren't they the best?
(Note to the offspring: You have a better chance of killing me with an overdose of chocolate than ya do booze and tranqs.
My body considers them "vitamins".)

Gawd the Yahoo mail filters suck. 3/4's of the time
my legit mail goes in the bulk folder and
my spam goes in the legit folder.





12 JUNE 2005
paint a rumor watch the color spread

(7:30 p.m.) Here's a couple hee haw's for ya. (Despite the fact that Zal BEGGED me to steal his jokes, I found a few of my own.)
A guy goes into confession and says to the priest, "Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren, and last night I had an affair, and I made love to two 18 year old girls. Both of them. Twice."
The priest said, "Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?"
"Never Father, I'm Jewish."
"So then, why are you telling me?"
"I'm telling everybody."

One day while on patrol, a police officer pulled over a car for speeding. He went up to the car and asked the driver to roll down her window. The first thing he noticed, besides the nice red sports car, was how hot the driver was! Drop dead blonde, the works.

"I've pulled you over for speeding, Ma'am.... could I see your drivers license...?"
"What's a license???" replied the blonde, instantly giving away the fact that she was as dumb as a stump.
"It's usually in your wallet," replied the officer.
After fumbling for a few minutes, the driver managed to find it.
"Now may I see your registration?" asked the cop.
"Registration..... what's that?" asked the blonde.
"It's usually in your glove compartment," said the cop impatiently. After some more fumbling, she found the registration.
"I'll be back in a minute," said the cop and walked back to his car.
The officer phoned into the dispatch to run a check on the woman's license and registration. After a few moments, the dispatcher came back; "Ummm.... is this woman driving a red sports car?"
"Yes," replied the officer.
"Is she a drop dead gorgeous blonde?" asked the dispatcher.
"Uh... yes" replied the cop.
"Here's what you do," said the dispatcher. "Give her the stuff back, and drop your pants."
"WHAT!!? I can't do that. It's..... inappropriate," exclaimed the cop.
"Trust me..... just do it," said the dispatcher.
So the cop goes back to the car, gives back the license and registration and drops his pants, just as the dispatcher said.
The blonde looks down and sighs, "Oh no ... not ANOTHER breathalyzer."

Sunday, June 12, 2005

paint a rumor watch the color spread

Ya know what REALLY turns me on? I mean besides cops. When I'm right in the middle of giving Mr. G head and he reaches down and pulls me up onto his chest and starts French kissing me.
Hot diggity DAMN that makes me even hornIER.

Did you read about the 2 kittens who peed on their owner's fax machine in Tokyo and caused a fire that extensively damaged the house? Trust me, knowing what goes around comes around, I AM NOT LAUGHING ABOUT THIS!! Having an overactive Lab who eats everything from linoleum to plastic to MY WALLS, I am not about to joke about a pet causing a fire. Frankly I'm surprised she HASNT caused one by now.

So an 18 yr old girl gave birth in the passenger seat of a Benz doing 85 MPH as they tried to get her to the hospital. **yawn** It's not like she was DRIVING at the same time. And while giving birth is a serious thing, I want to know what kind of an IDIOT the husband was to risk killing her, the baby and himself in an attempt to get her to the hospital?! And NO, I'm not worried that if I make fun of these people that I'll end up birthin' this new baby in the passenger seat of a Benz going 85 MPH. I'm more of a SAAB chick.

Saturday, June 11, 2005

**belch**

My heart goes out to the parents of Natalee Holloway, the Alabama student who is missing in Aruba. You just know that things are not going to turn out well in that situation.

(1 p.m.) I bought Holly a huge ass bag of Old Roy Peanut Butter cookie treats. They're shaped like Nutter Butter cookies, but I find that bought PB treats for dogs taste nothing like peanut butter. At least, you know, that's what the dogs tell me. (And I say this cuz you can get recipes for pb dog treats online that you can bake yourself. I made a batch for Holly but ended up adding about two more cups of PB cuz they tasted like flour.BTW, I was finished doctoring the recipe we LOVED them! I mean SHE loved them.) Anywho, Holly totally turned her nose up at them and it's like a five pound bag. I was telling Mr. G that she totally dissmissed them and he said, "Well maybe you'll eat them." Ha ha ha ha h a. You eat one or two (or 15) dog treats and all of a sudden people act like you eat them on a regular basis. OK I'm off to munch on a Milk Bone.

this love has taken it's toll on me

There was a really funny interview in O! Magazine this month with Jon Stewart. It's the issue with Oprah on the front. BWAHAHAHA she's on front of ALL of her--never mind. Anywho, Female Offspring #1 is a HUGE Jon Stewart fan and I was trying ever so cleverly to steal the article while at the JC Penney Styling Salon yesterday. Unfortunately there were people on both sides of me, about two inches away, one of which was reading the article over my shoulder.
[Yes, YOU, OLD MAN!! I could hear you whispering the damn words!]
I knew it was pointless to even try the cough loudly while tearing discreetly trick. This is not to be confused with the sneeze loudly while making one giant rip trick. That works with one page only. More than one page requires the cough and tear thing. And if it's a really thick article bark like you have bronchitis while tearing. I did the sneezing and tearing thing one time when Female Offspring #1 and I were waiting in a doctor's office. It worked so perfectly that we looked at each other in stunned surprise, then burst out laughing. Which, of course, called attention to the fact that we were ripping articles out of the mags, exactly what we were trying to avoid.

I went to the library yesterday and got a TON of great books. Now all I need is a rainy day and I'm good to go. I'm reading two books that are really good. One is about a....COP! Duh. And the other one is about a...SHERIFF! Double duh. Like you didn't see that coming.

open up my eager eyes

Guys, if you want to buy a really nice gift for your woman that doesn't cost a lot, try Shea Butter. I bought some Honey and Shea Butter at Bath and Body Works, and it is heavenly. It great to put on after a hot shower, and it's so much more luxurious than plain old body lotion. She'll love you for it, and you'll love the way she smells.

Today I did something that I haven't done for a LOOOONG time. No, I didn't have sex. I BOUGHT A CD. That's right. I BOUGHT one. I bought Hot Fuss by The Killers cuz I heart Mr. Brightside. So now I'm blasting it on my cd player on repeat, something I always do when I have a new favorite song I'm hooked on.
"It started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?" Whoo hoo!

Ack. I suffered with morning sickness for hours! It should be outlawed.

Friday, June 10, 2005

dont you wish your girlfriend was raw like me

Someone sent me an email stating that they had linked to my site and they wanted me to link back. They included the name of their site, along with what I felt was an endorsement of a book they're selling that they wanted me to include with their link. I emailed back and said I'd be glad to link, but I wasn't endorsing any book I hadn't read. (A small sticking point with me, but if I endorse something on my site, you know I honestly like it/believe in it.) Dude emailed back and said that he would pay for shipping and give me an autographed copy IF I bought the book. Well, wasn't THAT generous. He had no idea how much of a nerve he touched there. But I restrained myself. I simply told him that we'd compromise. I'd link back to his site, but I wasn't endorsing the book, and that my days of buying product to review are O-VER.

If I buy something and I love it, I'll share that but I am NOT, REPEAT NOT, buying something and pimping it to benefit others when I know full well that they regularly send out product for free to be reviewed. I went this route with that farking Erotica Writers site and I'll never do it again. I was doing the column for free--this was before I had my own site. They received free products all the time but when I emailed and asked them to forward some to me so I wouldn't have to spend MY MONEY to get them hits on THEIR website, they refused saying it wasn't their job to send me stuff. FUCK THEM. I quit immediately. That was also right about the time I promised myself I wasn't accepting writing jobs in exchange for a link back or "exposure." I've had so much damn exposure it's a wonder I don't have frostbite on 90% of my body by now, and it's gotten me nowhere fast. People don't ask their lawyers to work for free, why should writers be any different?

Goddess' Cute Cop O'The Week Award goes to: Officer Jim Scott from the North Little Rock Arkansas Police Department.
Can you kids say "strip search"?

On one of the Y & R forums I post on, a chick started at topic that generated 170+ responses, the most ever for a topic. Unfortunately, it's about race, which of course, upsets a lot of people. I stayed totally out of this one because you can see you won't win either way. Somebody will be pissed no matter what you say. The chicks keep right on posting to it, saying that they wish it would go away. NOW they're saying they wish the moderator would step in and "do something." Now I'm not rocket scientist, but here's an idea: STOP FUCKING POSTING TO THE DAMN THING and IT WILL END.

One more reason I HATE "There's Something about Mary" (aside from the fact that's it's a sophomoric movie): ONCE AGAIN FX ran it in place of COPS eps.

Have you seen the ads for the new Pauly Shore show, "Minding The Store"? The first thing they say is, "He's a star." Yeah, Pauly Shore was a "star" the way Kato Kalin was a "star".

I was reading a romance novel by Penny Jordan, whose books I usally love. But she had a plot premise supported by flimsy plot twists that made me want to hurl. Unfortunately I was at work and had nothing else to read or I would have hurled the book across the room. In the beginning of the book, when the heroine met the hero, she was pretending to come on to him to see if he would cheat on his gf. Unfortunately she came on to the wrong man and he turned out to be her new boss.
Flimsy plot twist #1: the heroine and the woman who thought her man was cheating were very close friends and yet the heroine had
never met the fiancé. Brutha please.
Flimsy plot twist #2: gf tells her best friend to just look for "the most handsome man in the bar", who would be wearing a blue shirt. Evidently gf has never heard of "pictures." Natch the heroine comes on to the WRONG MAN. That plot twist is flimsier than most of Paris Hilton's clothes.
Flimsy plot premise that majorly pissed me: Since she tried to come on to him in the bar, her boss is now convinced she's a pro 'ho. Every farking chapter until the VERY END PAGES would have a convo (or two or THREE) like this:
Hero: "Don't act innocent. I know exactly what you are."
Heroine: "I'm not a--"
Hero: "Stop! I don't want to hear your lies."
UGH. UGH. SUPER FUCKING UGH.
What really puckered my ass was that he forced her to pretend to be his fiancee, fly to Greece with him to meet his grandfather and family or else he would ruin her in the business world ALL based on this stupid misconception that she never had the cojones to correct. This is EXACTLY the stupid shit they tell new writers NOT to do, and yet the established writes get away with it.

Wednesday, June 08, 2005

not how i wanted it i'm hating all of this

I clearly need to be taking lessons from the bitch. We've been having trouble with Holly the last few days because she refuses to go in her crate at night or when we're working. Considering that the other morning I found her chewing ON MY FUCKING WALL, the mutt CANNOT stay uncrated in the house all day. Mr. G called me at work yesterday morning and said, "We're gonna have to figure something out. She's not happy." I'm like, "HELLO?! I'M not happy not having a laptop but I don't see you jumping through hoops to PLEASE ME!! And I've been miserable for WEEKS, thank you very much."
It amazes me that our other two dogs were outside constantly, and yet we're afraid to let this punk stay outside by herself for five minutes when we're not home. After all the destruction, I'm thinking, let her out. If she slips her lead and goes to live with another family, well then that's for the best...at least I'll still have three walls and half a roof over my head.

I have to admit, though, Holly is the only dog I've ever owned that LOVED the snow and rain. The other day it was pouring and she was outside laying in the yard chewing her bone like she didn't have a care in the world. Mookie would have had a heart attack had so much as a drop of rain landed on her fur. I opened the window and yelled, "Holly! It's R*A*I*N*I*N*G. Get your ass out of the rain!" She looked at me as if to say, "Huh? Who are you?" Much the way she usually looks at me.

Ya know when I JOKED about steering with my elbows in my COPS article, I had no idea that people actually DO that. I was reading a survey the other day and people admitted to STEERING WITH THEIR KNEES! A guy on a motorcycle passed me just the other day and as he became almost even with my car, he extended both arms out as far as he could and stretched! I'm thinking, "ASS! Hotdog next to somebody else's car."
From the same survey, I discovered people also do the following WHILE DRIVING:
32% of drivers read AND write
29% talk on a cell phone
17% comb their hair
16% fight with other passengers
10% put on makeup
3% PUT IN CONTACT LENSES!!
After reading this I'm going to try to stay more focused myself when driving.
Often I reach over and dig in my purse with one eye
on the road. Unfortunately, accidents happen in a split second and it doesn't take much to get distracted.

For some reason, it's comical to see P.Diddy on an infomercial for an acne product. I don't know why, but it just strikes me as humorous.

A neighboring community is sponsoring an anti-drug fair. As a complement, I believe our community should sponsor a pro-drug fair. You know, just to be "fair."

Tuesday, June 07, 2005

dont you wish your girlfriend was a freak like me

OH...MY...GAWD. I thought I'd died and gone to Heaven yesterday when I turned on the tv and saw
:
a constantly flowing FOUNTAIN OF CHOCOLATE!!!
It was all I could do not to stick my face against the
screen and slurp. (I tried that once before and
all I got was a tongue full of dust
and threats about "much needed therapy.")

Ya know the best thing about summer? Not having to drive 15 MPH through the school zone. The worst thing? Not having to drive 15 MPH through the school zone cuz the KIDS ARE AT HOME!!!

Some drunk off her ass chick was being arrested on COPS the other day and a neighbor yelled at her while the cops were dealing with her. She scrambled over to the railing and screamed, "Get yourself a fucking camcorder!!" She was great. She was laying out in the hallway of an apartment complex, whining and crying, and throwing her underwear all over the place. Her pants were undone and by the time the cops got her down the stairs, her butt was all butt hanging out. Another favorite ep was on and that featured the guy who belted his wife cuz she "plays bingo too much."

On CNN the other day, the anchor said,"The newest spelling bee champ has returned home." Then he does some blah blah rah rah feel good stuff about how great a speller the kid is, and says the title gives him "bragging rights." Yeah, IF you want to get the crap kicked out of your ass on the playground.

I LOVE this quote by deep, deep thinker, Nia Peeples: "It's hard for anyone to maintain a marriage. It comes down to two people. I honestly believe that." Wrong, Nia. In South's case, it came down to three people.

Monday, June 06, 2005

oh lord wont you buy me a mercedes benz

Goddess' Cute Cop O'The Week Award goes to:
Officer Orlando Benitez of Miami, Florida Police Department.

I'm just starting to work on another interview. I like the compiling questions part of the interview, it's just the nuts and bolts of putting it all together that gets kinda tedious. But I'm happy to be doing another one, cuz it's been a looong time since the last one, which I THINK was Mike's interview. Yes, this chick has done some porn, but this interview is going to have some interesting focus points, and I'm excited about. I'll let ya know when it's up.

Hmm, I was oogling my stats to see if the (sigh) dude from United Arab Emirates had returned--he hasn't--BUT I have a new dude(s) from BRUNI!! And I know who it is! It's that sultan that I mocked rather heavily last year or so. He was the twit who "imported" American 'ho's for his harem. Actually I was making fun of one of the chicks, who said she WASN'T a 'tute for doing that, because a "'tute is someone who stands on a street corner." If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it doesn't need to be in the water to be called a duck.

Speaking of geeses to pieces--great segue, huh?--I was on my way to work on Sunday morning and we have this cool little park in town that I pass along the way. The geese walk around the park and swim in the river and this mama goose was walking along the street just a few feet from where I passed by and her six little gooslings were waddling behind. Damn I wish I'd had my camera with me. It was the cutest sight because a goosling's fur stands out in all different directions, like they stuck their webbed foot in a light socket. Ok that might not be possible but you get the point.

Oh lord, guess who has shown up to be with Michael Jackson? No, not a
charming 10 year old boy that he slept with but hasn't seduced. It's none other than Rev Jesse Jackson.
Is anyone surprised by this?

There was a psychic convention type thingy at one of the local hotels--so you KNOW it was classy--this past weekend and I stopped in with a friend to browse. One chick was telling fortunes, and for a buck or two, she'd give you a quickie--and I don't mean the good kind. When it was my turn, she said, "An obstacle will appear in the next few weeks." I said, "I'm sorry, could you be a tad more vague?" Then I threw a couple more bucks on the table and said, "Here, this will help with starting a new job, cuz I predict you ain't gonna be doing this one very long." Oooooo, Madame Goddess sees all!!

I was watching a show on VH1 and they were interviewing kids from some of the shows we grew up with like Head of the Class and Who's the Boss, Family Ties and Full House. Jodi Sweeten, from Full House--she was the girl between the twins and that Candace chick--has turned into a very beautiful young woman. They interviewed the boy from Who's the Boss, Danny something, and he was talking about how the tabloids found out he was working at the Gap and started saying that he was broke and forced to work in the clothing store. He said, "No that wasn't true. I just wanted to work at The Gap." Don't we all, Danny? I mean, I know that when I become a famous writer, the first thing I'm gonna do is chuck it all and live out my lifelong dream of being a salesclerk at The Gap. OMG!! Maybe I'll shoot for the stars and work for FASHION BUG!! I can hardly wait to write a book about it. Also on the show, they mentioned that Robin Givens, who married again after the Tyson fiasco. Seems the marriage ended the same day the wedding took place. ON THE SAME DAY. I never knew that. Hell, I thought JLo was bad.

Ok, I've totally decided that I want Jenny McCarthy to play me in the upcoming Goddess of the Universe: The Movie. She's funny and she's beautiful. She'll be the perfect ME! Course she'll have to gain about 500 pounds, give or take a few hundred.

Sunday, June 05, 2005

darling i dont know why i go to extremes

Now this is the sort of stupidity I have to put up with from my mother. She called me the other night and said, "I was going through your uncle's old medicines and I found a prescription for sleeping pills from 1998, and I was wondering if you wanted it?" Now, aside from the fact that you should NEVER take a medicine prescribed for someone else, why in God's name would I want an OUTDATED medicine?? Besides which, the closest thing to a sleeping pill that I take is melatonin.

When I was fresh out of high school, I rode to work for several weeks with the neighbor lady. She always blessed herself before she started the car, and I sort of fell into that habit and continue it today. Whenever I get behind the wheel or ride with someone else, I make the sign of the cross. When I was out with C.P. the other day, every time he started the car, I blessed myself. Finally he looked at me and said, "Do you know something I don't?"

Saturday, June 04, 2005

storm front

I've been told by a great many people that my posts have become the topic of daily discussion amongst their friends, so at the end of today's post I shall list some possible questions for group discussion.

Sometimes a situation occurs that just stresses the importance of communication. The other morning, C.P. called me and asked me if I wanted to go to the "range." Naturally I ASSumed he meant the shooting range, so I borrowed one of Daddy's hand guns. C.P. came to pick me up and I came out of the house waving the gun, yelling, "Look what I have! My dad let me borrow one of his hand guns." Well, I never saw anybody hit the ground so fast in all my life. He's like, "What the FUCK do you have THAT for?!" I said, "Well, you're taking me to the shooting range. I can't very well take a water pistol." He said, "We're going to the DRIVING RANGE!" I'm like, "Damn. I hate to tell you this but I've had my drivers license since I was 16. If I don't know how to drive by now, forget it."

I should have known something was up though when he graciously offered me breakfast, too. Turns out he had to attend his niece's graduation from FIRST GRADE. UGH. I hate that shit as much as I hate changing tampons. And let me tell ya, there's nothing like the sound of 15 first graders singing, "Morning Has Broken" off key and at the top of their lungs. At one point I felt something warm and wet flowing in my ears. You guessed it: they were bleeding.
I couldn't STOP MYSELF from laughing, though, when they began to sing "Gimme That Old Time Religion." I'm thinking, "Holy shit. To this group, 1995 is "old time"." Then they sang, Kumbaya and asked everyone to join in. Hand gestures and all. Because there's nothing I'd rather do than sit around singing campfire songs at 8:30 in the morning, I showed C.P. a few gestures that weren't in the original song. The only interesting part of the morning was when a bunch of smart mouthed punks started to fight over a Star Wars Saber spoon from a box of cereal that one kid brought in to show the class. Cursing and swearing like you never heard before. But I managed to wrestle it away from them, and I am now the proud owner of a blue Saber spoon.

Luke Ford has over 200 pics from the XRCO awards on his site.
And they are ALL conveniently labeled "pic."

I saw a commercial for the new eps of Reno 911 today and they were using action figures. The commercials are a hoot but at the end of them, they say, "actual action figures not available," and I thought, "damn you just KNOW people are going to want them now that they know they're not available to the public." Cuz that's just the way people are.

And now on to the discussion questions:
1. Goddess touched on a number of different issues in today,
what do you think is the underlying theme of her post?
2. How do you think things might have turned out had Goddess' gun been fully loaded when she started flashing it around? What are your feelings on gun control? Jackass control? Jackasses with guns control?
3. Goddess mentioned graduation in her post. What is your fondest graduation memory? (Besides never having to see those cocksucking nuns again?)
4. Who is your favorite Reno 911 character and why? Do you think the show accurately depicts your local P.D.? If so, where the HELL do you live?!
5. Do you think Goddess really gives a shit about any of this?

Friday, June 03, 2005

you can take a road to take you to the stars now i can take a road that'll see me through

Is it WRONG to eat dog treats? And when I say "dog treats" I'm talking about the kind that are from PETCO, the cookie kind, not the fake bacon and cheese kind. I bought Holly treats that look just like those chocolate and vanilla cream duplex cookies AND some of those yummy carob chip cookies.
They met MY all important criteria:
1. They tasted DELISH!!
2. The didn't make me throw up.

I was listening to the soaps today and they had an advert for an entertainment program and the clip they ran was about Gilda Radner. They were delving into the all important story concerning possible alcohol addiction. What purpose could it possibly serve to bring this up now?

Did you read about the sex slave the cops pulled out of the trunk of a car in Germany? The police thought he was being kidnapped but he was really a willing sex slave "playing" with his mistress.
He was clad in only a thong and a collar, which seems to be par for the course for slaves.
Some Good Samaritan saw the woman putting him into the trunk and alerted police. This is exactly why I never put slaves in the trunk outside. Stupid Good Samaritans! I always put them in the trunk INSIDE the garage.

TRUE or FALSE: Do black men have the largest peni on average? We've all heard this. Myth or no? Just read an article that says it is NOT a myth. Black men had the largest peni on average,
then Caucasians and Asians have the smallest.
(Big surprise there. No wonder their porn is so damn violent.
All that peni angst.)

WORDS OF WISDOM:
"I love to talk. My man tried to leave me once because
I talked too much. But I talked him out of it." Robin Montaque

Maxxx Beaver seems to be the only guy with
the BALLS to take on my question. He writes:
My dear Goddess...
Life is like a box of chocolates..Sometimes you get a cherry, other days a nut...oh, I'm off topic...shit.
Anyway, To answer your question...
Maxxx Beaver never makes the first move...I wait until the woman does...that way, I am 100% sure she is interested in me, before I hurt my hugely inflated ego.
For your information, A hugely inflated ego is a product of being surrounded by beautiful women all day...Unfortunately one comes to know that they are only around ya because they are working for you on your projects...
Oh well...Life of a bidnezman.
May the beaver be plentiful and your glass always full."


Alex and I were talking about a pic he sent me of a chick being hauled away by a bunch of cops and she's naked from the waist down. I said, "I've seen many eps of COPS where they bring the women in drunk off their asses and usually their asses are hanging out, right along with their cooch. I think as part of their alcohol DUI treatment, they should have to watch the image of them being hauled in like street trash over and over." I would be APPALLED if the cops dragged me in naked from the waist down. I would be so humiliated..you know, if they didn't take me up on my "offer."