Friday, December 23, 2005

you like the adrenaline rush just a little too much

Goddess' Hott Deputy O'The Week Award goes to: Deputy Jason Villiers of Palm Beach County, Florida. Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo, what a sweet body he had.

To the guy who IM'ed me and asked me to send out healing waves to his cat, sure I'll do it. But if the vet calls and
says he found the cat baked, you'll know I accidentally sent out micro waves instead. BTW, I have stats that tell me what search strings
bring people to my site, so when yer jerkin' me, I know it. NOT that the cat story wasn't oh so plausible.

God save me from small town police officers with Columbo complexes. Last night a police officer came to my door accusing me of cutting down and stealing a pine tree from the neighbor's yard. Now I ask you, do I seem like the type to do strenous wood chopping exercises? Nay. So I asked the officer on what grounds he was basing his accusations. He said--get this lame piece of 'evidence'--that there were footprints and drag marks through the snow leading from the base of the chopped down tree right to my front door. Oh puhleeze. Just because there are pine needles across the front stoop and into my living room and just because they are the same needles from the freshly cut pine tree sitting in my living room, that is PURELY CIRCUMSTANTIAL!! Nobody saw it and nobody can prove a thing.I maintain we wuz framed.

I got my chocolate Christmas moose!! Yay!! The local grocery store had these beautiful stuffed animals and
one was a chocolate colored moose. (Moose, reindeer, whatevah.) He was $10 though and I didn't want to
pay that much, despite the fact that he was made of that super soft chenille that's so cuddly. But I find that if you
have patience, stealth and the smarts to keep hiding the moose way to the back of the shelf, your persistence will pay off.
Anywho, I got him at a 75% discount.

Well the doggone dog scared the hell out of me Thursday morning. Before he left for work, Mr. G put her on my bed with a bone. Well she was chewing her bone enthusiastically--as usual--and all of a sudden, she started licking and swallowing repeatedly. I KNEW that wasn't a good sign. She jumped off the bed and there was a piece of paper laying in the hallway. She gobbled that down like it was candy. Then she ran into the living room, snagged a cracker paper from the table and ate that. When she couldn't find anything else there, she ran to the laundry room, all the while licking and swallowing repeatedly. My heart was pounding so hard, I felt like I ran a one minute mile--and in my delicate condition that ain't easy. I'm like, "What's wrong? Holly, what's wrong?" and Holly is just frantically licking up everything she can find--hell she even ate a dryer sheet before I could grab it up. She licked up cat litter, little pieces of wood from my damn wall trim that she gnawed off and any bits of paper she could find. I tried to get water down her throat and while she swallowed it, she wouldn't drink on her own and she wouldn't eat food when I put it in front of her. I didn't know what to do so I put her outside and I saw she had some dry leaves in her mouth and was eating them. I thought she had something stuck in her throat, but it must have been far enough down that I couldn't see it because she did let me open her mouth, but there was nothing there. Once she was outside, she threw everything up and then she was fine. PHEW! The only thing I can think of is that she chewed off a tiny piece of bone that she couldn't quite swallow and she was trying to get it up again. She knew was she was doing but damn it I didn't!! I was a freaking basket case.

Oh you slacker teachers. Ya just can't work five days a week, fifty-four weeks a year like the rest of us, can ya?
No, in the middle of winter, just when my life is settling into a beautiful groove, you have to take your "Christmas break" and force me to spend time with my offspring!! What is WRONG with you people?! Why in the world would I want to spend time with the offspring when everything is frozen and snow covered and I can't get out of my driveway?
Here's a little pop quiz question for ya, teachers: what's worse than spending summer in a one bedroom trailer with 15 kids?
SPENDING WINTER IN A ONE BEDROOM TRAILER WITH 15 KIDS!!
And every freaking one of 'em is AFRAID TO GO OUTSIDE FOR FEAR THEY'LL 'GET WET' or
because it's 'TOO COLD.' Of COURSE it's cold. It's pete freaking winter!

I spent the evening wrapping metal detectors and and cartons of generic cigarettes for the boys.
David sent me a box of Christmas cookies--apparently he thinks I'm recipe challenged--and he tied it with
a nice piece of twine. Natch I saved that for Male Offspring #4. And I found a bunch of reduced "What Would Jesus Do" t shirts
for Male Offspring #5, the Jebus freak. I guess they're reduced cuz nobody cares what Jesus would do anymore.
Apparently caring about Jesus' opinion is soooo 2001.
I also found a used Bible for M.O. #5, with
all the good parts about Hell already marked.
Tomorrow night I wrap cartons of generic cigarettes for the girls along with whatever else I buy them at the
convenience store on the way home from work. Fine, so I might be a *tad* behind all of a sudden.

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