Saturday, November 26, 2005

the silver saxphones say i should refuse you


Last night I dreamt that I was going to visit my sister in the Carolinas. One of my sisters showed up to see me off and I was rather surprised by that. I said, "I can't believe you came to see me off," and she didn't respond. Then right before I boarded the train, again I said, "I can't believe you came here to see me," and she said, "Your number came up." I said, "What?" She said, "You only have 33 days to live." So if I suddenly stop posting at the end of the year, you'll know it was more of a prophetic dream and less of a dream induced by too much B6. I don't know whether to get all my ducks in a row or go out and have a wild fling with a cop. To be perfectly truthful, my sister hasn't been much of a reliable prognosticator in the past. There was the Christmas she told me Mom and Dad bought me the Crissy doll, juuuust so she could see the expression of grief on my face when I realized it wasn't true. Then there was the time she told me the cotton candy machine was broken juuuust so she could see the expression of grief on my face when I realized that wasn't true either. So I'm guessing I might want to hold off on the affair.

Charlie writes: "Goddess,
if a guy busts his nuts in a girls face an hits her in the eye can she go blind?"
Let's put it this way: if cops ever run out of pepper spray, they could use their semen and it would probably be as effective. No, it doesn't blind you, but it stings like Hell.

Goddess' Hott Cop O'Da Week Award goes to:
Officer Daniel Gonzales of Fort Worth, Texas. He is onnnnne spicy dish!!!

Ladies, here are some of Goddess' gift giving ideas for the six phases of any relationship:
1st phase: The Crush--it doesn't matter what you buy him at this stage as long as it's expensive and as long as you tell him your daddy is the CEO of a huge electronics manufacturing business, and clothes that make him look unattractive to other women.

2nd phase: New Boyfriend--lots of cookies and candy and fast foods to fatten him up so no other women are interested in him, and clothes that make him look unattractive to other women.

3rd phase: "Real" Boyfriend--a cellphone and a beeper so that he doesn't have an excuse for not returning your calls and clothes that make him look unattractive to other women.

4th phase: Living in Sin Boyfriend--a wide screen plasma tv and clothes that make him look unattractive to other women,

5th phase: Husbandos--pawn the widescreen tv--he won't be needing it anymore--and buy him tools/books on home repair, and clothes that make him look unattractive to other women.

6th phase: The "dump me, PLEASE" guy--"The Complete Idiot's Guide to Getting Over the End of A Relationship," nothing whatsoever from the electronics aisle and clothes that make him look attractive to other women.

I was flipping channels last week and caught just a minute or two of Oprah's crappy Christmas show where she was pimping a 17 pound can of popcorn for a whooping $110. It amazes me that this woman is so clueless. I keep waiting for the day
Ms. "I'm So In Touch With My Inner Self" says, "let's not waste all this money on meaningless gifts. Let's give it to the less fortunate," but that day has never come.

I can't believe those My Fair Brady idiots are getting married. Yes, Christopher Knight and Adriene Curry are tying the knot. In half the eps, Chris was contemplating telling her to get a place of her own and in the other half, he was trying to figure out how he could tell her to get a place of her own because she was young and inexperienced and needed to get a job. Plus, he "needed space". (That's usually code for 'I'm sick of you being in my apartment. And my face.') Chris' solution to his problem? Get married. Duh. What else? IF they make it to the altar, I give it a year tops.

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