Wednesday, November 30, 2005

you're all i wanted


I think Sgt. Candelas was a bit confused about what I wanted when I asked him to get me one of those Los Begos flamingoes.
Yesterday dawned bright and lovely like every other morning in da 'court--except for the pouring rains. Female Offspring #6 left for school around noonish and a few minutes later, came running into the trailer screaming, 'Mom! Mom! There's a flamingo in the front yard!"
I said, "Honey, I know there's a flamingo in the front yard. It's been standing there all summer holding a basket of plastic Easter eggs.
I really need to think about taking that damn thing down. It's blocking the flashing jack-o-lantern."
She said, "NO! A REAL FLAMINGO! And Buddha has it by the ankle."
[Well ya know, that's what God gets for givin' 'em such skinny ankles.]
I rushed outside and son of a bitch, there he was in all his glory.
Great. As if the whole alpaca incident wasn't bad enough, now I have a flamingo.
And I defy you to even FIND a bag of Flamingo Chow in PA. I looked EVERYWHERE yesterday!

From the "lord, let this be a bad joke" file, El Cheapo sends me this story about
50 Cents and his need to satisfy millions of ladies all at the same time.
(I blame his horribly low sense of self-esteem....)
I love the part about Fiddy (not to be confused with Two Fiddy) wanting to
make the vibrators waterproof so the chicks could use them in the bath. Talk about being full of yourself.
I hope he makes 'em so they slide easily up yer ass, cuz that's where they belong.
Welcome to the wonderful world of over priced sex toys, Fiddy.

So Zal told me what was on his Christmas list--booze. ALL booze. He's a bartender, for Pete's sake.
Zal wanting booze for Christmas is like a 'ho
wanting to get laid for Christmas.

While I'm talking about Zal, he was telling me the story of an old woman who went into a diabetic coma
while her web cam was on and her son in another country got her help. Now the scary thing about
that story is that old people have web cams. Why? For elderly web cam porn?

its hard to believe you remember me

Whoooooooooooooo hooooooooooooo!!! I just got word from that
my Hott Cop buttons are on the way! I can't wait to get them.CafePress is really fast!

The weather here is so strange lately. First we had the 10° weather on Thanksgiving, along with the snow and ice.
Now that I have all of my Christmas decorations up, the weather is 60°. Of course, by the end of the week when I
go back to work, it's supposed to be cold and snowy again. If we have to have snow this winter, I hope we
have a winter like we did a few years back. It would snow, then the weather would immediately turn warm and melt
everything. It's when the snow piles up that winter seems endless.

I see Oprah is going on the David Letterman show, after refusing to do so for years. I just hope
to God that David doesn't suck her ass.
When you see a person like Letterman or Jon Stewart, who is normally sarcastic about
celebdom, kiss ass, it's a sorry sight indeed.

Guys are so lucky they don't have to wear bras. I thought I FINALLY found a good fitting bra, one that didn't create quadra boobs.
Thats when you have a bra that's too tight and you have your two boobs, and the two extra boobs the spillage creates.
You have to keep hiking your bra up and
pushing your gurls IN in an attempt to curb the boob overflow.
So I put this new bra on and I'm thinking, 'WOW! This hugs my 44D's PERFECTLY." I'm walking down the hall
and I noticed my nipples were getting really hard,
almost as if they were--you know--rubbing against the material of my shirt. WHICH THEY WERE.
Instead of overflowing on the top of the cup, I'm falling out of the bottom.
We were having sex the other night and when Mr. G lifted my shirt over my head,
he's like, "Whoa. I LIKE this!" I said, "What?"
and I looked down and my boobs were half in, half out. While I'm glad it looks pleasing to HIS eye,
it's a tad annoying to have to yank my bra DOWN every few

I was reading a site that I used to write for and one chick was discussing sex toys. She warned consumers to be wary of
buying a toy if the description sounds too good to be true. I really had to laugh at that because she's one of these people
who loves EVERY TOY that is available for sale through her website. There's nary a bad one in the
bunch. Can you say "commission," kids?

So South IM's me last night and tells me that his gf is blowing him while he types.
(And yes, that's an actual picture of them doing the deed. She is as round and yellow as South is.)
As grandpa used to say, "i think the butter has slipped off his tater."
If a good looking chick was blowing you, why would you be yakking on IM? I mean for reasons other than bragging.
The funny thing, though, was when she asked South if I'D be jealous.
Oh that ship has LONG since sailed, honey.

DAMN IT. Apparently my neighbors have wireless but it's too far up the street for me to connect.
It picked up the signal but it was weak. Grrrrrrr. I can't even experience the whole "OMG! is it WRONG
to steal someone's unsecured wireless connection?!" guilt because

Speaking of really sexy pics of HOTT OFFICERS, Sgt. Candelas sent me HIS pic,
which I cannot share with you all . Well, at least
not unless he says it's ok, what with him being a police officer and all. I have however carefully saved the pic in
a folder called, "New Jilling Material--Whoooo Hoooo!" (I think I scare the guys off when I say that....LOL!)

I was reading on MSN about this chick who helps people plan and personalize their funerals.
For instance, she helped a golf lover plan his
funeral on the golf course complete with glow in the dark balls with the deceased's name on them.
Other funerals might be at a zoo or in the park or one could even have themself
lowered into a vat of Wild Turkey if your name is Zal,
depending on what the person likes. I am now planning
my own funeral in which I shall be surrounded by a bunch of hott cops.
(Oh, shut up. You just HAD to know that was cumming!)
I shall pick these cops personally after making an exhaustive country wide search. Hey, you
know what would be great? If the hott cops sent me their pics. (That's That way I wouldn't have to do
all that traveling and hell, I'd have new jilling material.
And I SWEAR I would not share the pictures with another soul. I'm selfish that way.
I mean you can trust me that much.
I could plan my funeral and have a hella good time in the interim.

Monday, November 28, 2005

i dare you to move

This is my FIRST UPDATE using my NEW LAPTOP!! It looks better and hell it even SMELLS better!

set up my web program and getting all my files over to my new laptop.
It's so nice to be able to work on my updates on the new laptop.
(Did I mention the new laptop?)
Poor Mike. I always feel like I have to question everything cuz *I think* he thinks I know to skip
things or when things don't matter, but I don't. So now he's wising up.
He went through this line by line with me...
Never fear. I questioned him anyway. Sigh.

Ok I've been stalking guys for sometime now, so I'm a pro.
I know the ins and outs of the game. So if you plan to stalk ME,
Here are some rules you're going to have to follow:
1. Every email must include SOME HUMOR. Don't be harshing my mellow.
If you can make me laugh, I'm more likely to be hooked. If you bring me down
with end of the world predictions or "my pet rat died"
kind of stuff, ehhhhh not so likely to be hooked.
2. Yes, you may send me more than one email a day, but AGAIN,
only if it contains some humor!!
(See? That's a big sticking point with me.)
3. Don't bitch if I print your emails. You wouldn't be emailing me 20 times
a day if you didn't want me to lavish attention on you, which would
include printing your emails, so don't pretend otherwise.
4. NO JESUS FORWARDS!! I know He loves me. I've heard it a zillion times.
I don't need you (or any of my siblings) to remind me.
Let Jesus' actions speak for themselves.
5. While I'm on the subject, NO "BEST FRIEND IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD" FORWARDS!! We both konw that if you're spending all your time stalking ME, you don't HAVE a best friend.
At least not one that has less than four legs.
6. Yes, I know I am damned to Hell for all eternity, I don't need you to remind me of *that* either, so NO "BORN AGAIN" STALKING!!!
I was born right the first time, and not unlike death, with birth, there are no "do overs".
7. NO ATTACHMENTS unless I know you!! And yes, that means emotional attachments as well as email atttachments, thank you very much.
Follow these simple guidelines aka RULES and we'll get along just fine.

Ok, kids, it's official! I designed and ordered Hott Cop magnetic buttons so now when a cop emails me about his "award," I'll send him the button! I'll show ya which artwork I used as soon as it arrives.
**Keeping my fingers crossed that it looks as nice on the button as it did on the internet**

Ya know, I never expected Sgt. Candelas to have such a good sense of humor. Officers RARELY say anything nice about their Sergeants, they usually talk smack about them, so I guess I expected him to be a...kind of a...well a...dick. It was great that he isn't.

Sunday, November 27, 2005

i've been killing myself trying to keep my mind off of you

Whooo hooo! Sgt. Candelas said he'll try to get me one of those
flamingoes for my front yard, so I'm busy making room for it. This will
blow the neighbor's little "happy birthday jesus" sign right to Hell.
Zip over to my "real site" to see the progress I've made. That flamingo is gonna
pull the yard and trailer together so well!
It's the piece of fine art I've been looking for.

The paper "boy"--hard to call him boy when he owns his own 4 wheel drive and is almost 30--slapped a piece of paper in with the paper today that read, "Happy Holidays from Steve and blessings on the New Year," along with his address. I guess that's so I can mail him his big Christmas bonus. So I put this paper in the box for tomorrow morning: "Happy Holidays right back at ya, Steve. See if you can actually get the paper in the box in the upcoming New year instead of in the ditch where it usually lands."

Ok, people, I've thought about it--mostly when I woke up at 3 a.m. and couldn't get back to sleep--and I'm going to make a hott cop magnetic button on Cafe Press. Now when someone wins the award I can send the button to their precinct and embarrass the hell out of them.
What a great way to win friends and influence people!
Does anybody have any suggestions as to what I could put on it? Pic or wording?
I'm open to suggestions.
This is where it would help if all the artistic people who read my site would chime in. All two of you. I soooo want to use the Blow me! thing because the cops who have responded have all had a good sense of humor, but it's wives and gf's I fear. The gurls with guns. So I think I need to make it more G-rated.

Hmmm, Sgt. Candelas had an *EXCELLENT* idea. He asked me if he gets
a t shirt for winning the Hott Cop O'Da Week Award. I should make "I Won Goddess' Hott
Cop O'Da Week Award" t-shirts! Because for some reason I just can't see them wearing the t shirt I'd *like* to make: "Blow Me! I AM A HOTT COP." Oooooo, I could go
with magnetic buttons! That way they can slap it on their fridge.
Or the side of their patrol car or motorcycle.

Friday night I went to bed at EIGHT O'CLOCK just so I could beat Mr. G and Holly to it. I got all the covers I wanted and all the space...and Holly decided to sleep downstairs on her pillow. GUH! Here's the amazing thing, though. I slept till EIGHT A.M.

Last night I had....brace yourselves....a bottle of Rolling Rock
beer...which might explain the next paragraph.
BTW, RR has to be the weakest beer on the planet--Beater would be the beer expert
to answer that q--but it still kicked my ass.
And I still had a buzz after the third blow job.

While there's nothing I like better than sneaking over to the neighbors trailer in the dead of night to take pics of their lawn ornaments, this was above and beyond the call of duty, but I wanted you people to see this. And the Rolling Rock beer buzz helped. She had this sign in lights in her front yard. I said to her, "Wow. I didn't even realize you had
a son named Jesus. When's his birthday?"
And she said IN A REALLY SNOTTY TONE, "I don't have a son named Jesus. I meant our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ!"
I said, "Ooooooo, Him. Well, first of all you're a tad early, and secondly word has it that Jesus wants a wide screen plasma tv this year. If I were you I'd buy it and leave it on the front lawn, He'll get it when He rides past in His sleigh on Christmas Eve. Oh and Jesus HATES Chia Pets. Yes, even the Garfield one."

Ok, this makes me laugh. Some idiots on COPS tried to steal a 6' flamingo from outside the Flamingo Hotel in Vegas. The more I think about it, the more I laugh. At least they had the sense to try and chuck it into a car. I can see some twits trying to drag it down the sidewalk. I'm hella jealous of those flamingoes though. They'd look FABU on the lawn in front of the trailer. Maybe Sgt. Candelas can get me a deal on one. Maybe that one if it's kept for police evidence.

Did anybody see Oprah's show the other day when she gifted the victimes of Hurricane Katrina with their new homes? Did you notice there wasn't a white person in the group?

Bugzzz writes: "I quit working in retail in order to maintain my sanity. It is my belief that everyone on the planet should have to work in retail at least one day in thier lives.(this includes all the schmucks from the corporate offices that make all the rules that look good on paper but never work out on the floor.) And if I could pick a day, it would have to be Black Friday." Whoa. Bugz only gives the Brady marriage a month, tops.
Coincidentally, I quit retail cuz I married the boss and he got me pregnant.

Whoa. Do you remember South's neighbor that tried to teach me Southernese?
Well, he sent me this email. I'm not sure but I think he's trying to tell me something about my ass?
Ways To Avoid A Good Southern Ass Whuppin' the next time you come
down here and update for South, Northern Gurl...
1. Don't fake a Southern accent. This will incite a riot, and you
will get your ass kicked.
2. Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Waffle House.
It's just a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook
something they know. If you confuse them, they'll kick your ass.
3. We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the
hell up. Just spend your money and get the hell out of here, or we'll
kick your ass.
4. Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda. Down here it's
called Coke. Nobody gives a flying rat's ass whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up or whatever... it's still a Coke. Accept it. Doing
otherwise can lead to an ass kicking.
5. We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you
(e.g. Welty, Williams, Faulkner). We are also better educated and
generally a lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a bunch of hillbillies or
we'll kick your ass.
6. We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Fred Smith of Fed Ex,
Sam Walton, Oprah, Turner Broadcasting, MCI WorldCom, MTV, Netscape).
Naturally, we do, sometimes, have small lapses in judgment (David Duke).
We don't care if you think we are dumb. We are not dumb enough to let
someone move to our state in order to run for the Senate. If someone
tried to do that, we would kick his/her ass.
7. Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to
Longstreet and flanked Meade at Gettysburg instead of sending Pickett up the middle, you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington.
If you visit Stone Mountain and complain about the carving, we'll kick your ass.
8. Don't laugh at our Southern names (Merleen, Luther, Tammy Lynn,
Inez, Billy Joe, Sissy, Clovis, PamiSue, etc.) or we will just HAVE to kick your ass.
9. Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will
instantly know that you're a Yankee. Eat your biscuits like God
intended,with milk gravy. And don't put sugar on your grits, or we'll
kick your ass.
10. Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we
know better. Many of us have visited Northern hellholes like Detroit,
Chicago, and DC, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Delta or US Airways is ready when you are. Move your ass on home before it gets kicked.
11. Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way
because we don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't
understand what we are saying. All other Southerners understand what we are saying, and that's all that matters. Now, go away and leave us
alone, or we'll kick your ass.
12. Don't complain that the South is dirty and polluted. None of
OUR lakes or rivers have caught fire recently. If you whine about OUR
scenic beauty, we'll kick your ass all the way back to Pittsburgh.
13. Don't ridicule our Southern manners. We say sir and ma'am. We
hold doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks because such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet little gray-haired grandmothers or they'll kick some manners into your ass just like they did ours.
14. So you think we're quaint, or losers, because most of us live
in the countryside? That's because we have enough sense to not live in filthy, smelly, crime infested cesspools like New York, L.A. or Boston.
Make fun of our fresh air, and we'll kick your ass.
15. Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come down here and tell us
how to cook barbecue. This will get your ass shot (right after it is kicked). Criticize our barbecue, and you will go home in a pine box . . minus your ass.

Saturday, November 26, 2005

the silver saxphones say i should refuse you

Last night I dreamt that I was going to visit my sister in the Carolinas. One of my sisters showed up to see me off and I was rather surprised by that. I said, "I can't believe you came to see me off," and she didn't respond. Then right before I boarded the train, again I said, "I can't believe you came here to see me," and she said, "Your number came up." I said, "What?" She said, "You only have 33 days to live." So if I suddenly stop posting at the end of the year, you'll know it was more of a prophetic dream and less of a dream induced by too much B6. I don't know whether to get all my ducks in a row or go out and have a wild fling with a cop. To be perfectly truthful, my sister hasn't been much of a reliable prognosticator in the past. There was the Christmas she told me Mom and Dad bought me the Crissy doll, juuuust so she could see the expression of grief on my face when I realized it wasn't true. Then there was the time she told me the cotton candy machine was broken juuuust so she could see the expression of grief on my face when I realized that wasn't true either. So I'm guessing I might want to hold off on the affair.

Charlie writes: "Goddess,
if a guy busts his nuts in a girls face an hits her in the eye can she go blind?"
Let's put it this way: if cops ever run out of pepper spray, they could use their semen and it would probably be as effective. No, it doesn't blind you, but it stings like Hell.

Goddess' Hott Cop O'Da Week Award goes to:
Officer Daniel Gonzales of Fort Worth, Texas. He is onnnnne spicy dish!!!

Ladies, here are some of Goddess' gift giving ideas for the six phases of any relationship:
1st phase: The Crush--it doesn't matter what you buy him at this stage as long as it's expensive and as long as you tell him your daddy is the CEO of a huge electronics manufacturing business, and clothes that make him look unattractive to other women.

2nd phase: New Boyfriend--lots of cookies and candy and fast foods to fatten him up so no other women are interested in him, and clothes that make him look unattractive to other women.

3rd phase: "Real" Boyfriend--a cellphone and a beeper so that he doesn't have an excuse for not returning your calls and clothes that make him look unattractive to other women.

4th phase: Living in Sin Boyfriend--a wide screen plasma tv and clothes that make him look unattractive to other women,

5th phase: Husbandos--pawn the widescreen tv--he won't be needing it anymore--and buy him tools/books on home repair, and clothes that make him look unattractive to other women.

6th phase: The "dump me, PLEASE" guy--"The Complete Idiot's Guide to Getting Over the End of A Relationship," nothing whatsoever from the electronics aisle and clothes that make him look attractive to other women.

I was flipping channels last week and caught just a minute or two of Oprah's crappy Christmas show where she was pimping a 17 pound can of popcorn for a whooping $110. It amazes me that this woman is so clueless. I keep waiting for the day
Ms. "I'm So In Touch With My Inner Self" says, "let's not waste all this money on meaningless gifts. Let's give it to the less fortunate," but that day has never come.

I can't believe those My Fair Brady idiots are getting married. Yes, Christopher Knight and Adriene Curry are tying the knot. In half the eps, Chris was contemplating telling her to get a place of her own and in the other half, he was trying to figure out how he could tell her to get a place of her own because she was young and inexperienced and needed to get a job. Plus, he "needed space". (That's usually code for 'I'm sick of you being in my apartment. And my face.') Chris' solution to his problem? Get married. Duh. What else? IF they make it to the altar, I give it a year tops.

Friday, November 25, 2005

mr dj wont you turn the music up

Phew! I did have the right COPS episode with Sgt. Steve Candelas. It just so happens that I was cleaning up half watched video tapes today and I saw the episode again.
Oh that hottie award was well deserved indeed.

Damn it! Mr. G and Holly BOTH beat me to bed against last night.
Grrrrrrr. Tonight: in bed at 6 p.m. whether I'm tired or not!

My Thanksgiving turkey tasted oddly like a meatball sub. Sigh. The weather was fairly icky yesterday so we decided not to go out to eat last night. Damn it. I had my meal all planned out: unsweetened ice tea, turkey and gravy, sweet pataters, green beans and corn and two rolls. The rolls are my "pie." Alas, I ended up with two MTO Meatball Sub sandwiches from Sheetz.
Mr G called me at work and said, "I'm just not willing to risk life and limb for turkey."
I said, "What about for dinner rolls? Are you willing to risk life and limb for them? Because I certainly am." Sue me. I'm German. Have warm dough, will travel.

In May-he-co they are now offering a new service for your deceased's remains. When your loved one is cremated, for $5k-8k they will turn the ashes into diamonds. I told my offspring to go for it when I die. With my ashes they should have enough diamonds to live well for the rest of their lives.

Oooh, I love this. Some people are finding that the new xBox 360 is causing system crashes when in use as well as lots of error messages. Microsoft says thats "to be expected
with a complex unit." In other words, TOUGH SHIT, people. What they MEANT to say was, "That's to be expected with a complex unit that we rushed to get on the shelves in time for Christmas and haven't worked all of the bugs out of yet."

This is the sort of wasteful spending shit that just pisses me off. The government is giving a neighboring town $400,000 to build a FRIGGIN' ARCH. The insane thing--besides the fact that they don't need a friggin' arch that goes nowhere and does nothing--is that it is to signify the "renaissance of the downtown area." The only thing in that downtown area are parking lots and hospitals. What angers me the most is that Bush has taken a lot of money from important programs like home heating programs for the poor, and then they pass out all this money for useless garbage. How many more homes could have been helped had that money gone to LIHEAP?

Supposedly Tom Cruise has purchased HIS OWN sonogram machine so he and fiancee Katie Holmes can watch their child grow at home. Oy vey. Ultrasounds are touted as being "completely safe," but didn't they tell us asbestos was safe? They're still fairly new, and there are some studies now emerging that suggest babies who have had ultrasounds are more prone to ear infections and have incidences of low birth weight. IMHO they should be done only when necessary and not as some sort of self-indulgent fun game for bored celebrity parents-to-be.

I don't watch the show because it's too creepy, but Kelly Carlson, who plays Kimber on Nip/Tuck is incredibly beautiful. She looked really sexy in her wedding gown on the commercials. The guy who plays Christian gets the Goddess award for most annoying eyebrows. I don't know what it is, but they're very distracting. They're REALLY black and they don't look natural. They look like they're painted on. With charcoal.

You know who I still worry about? Belinda Sue, my former personal secretary. She hasn't been seen or heard from since she decided to go to Philadelphia to see the lights on Broadway. I didn't have the heart to tell her she'd have to do a hell of a lot of squinting to see them from Philly.

I LOVE that Chicken Little talking stuffed animal! And I want one. I stuck it on Female Offspring #7's Christmas list and told her grandparents that she wanted one ever so badly she was having trouble sleeping at night. Why oh why did Bugs stop working in retail?! She could have stolen me one.

The Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade sure has changed from when I was a kid. There used to be tons of floats and it was so fun to watch. Now it's a bunch of teeny booper chicks pimping their latest records.

Speaking of the parade, there was a Chinese or Japanese duo (does it really matter?) called Puffy Ami Yuni or Puffy Ankles, something like that. Anywho, they started singing and I thought, "How in God's name are we supposed to understand that language?!" About half way into the song, I realized they were singing in English. Sigh.

With the advent of the child's return for the holiday, I am now FORCED to sleep with Mr. G and the dog. They were soooo clever last night. They both got in bed before me. Not so tonight. I don't care if I have to go to bed at 7:30, I'M GETTING IN THERE FIRST!! I was mad, I'm like, "There's no room for me in this bed!!" Mr. G said, "There's plenty of room." Oddly enough there was. If you enjoy sleeping in the same position all night long, which apparently I do.

Thursday, November 24, 2005

i've been hanging out in the boredom basement building up the files on my mp3

Happy Turkey Day! (Unless you're a turkey and then you have my sincere condolences...)

I received this email from Sgt. Steve Candelas: "Hey Goddess,
Thanks for your comments about me at the beginning of the year..
My girlfriend got a kick out of it.
Thanks for the award!! Sgt. Steve Candelas LVMPD :)"
Be still my beating heart.
I *think* Steve's COPS episode was the one where the guy stole a car and while being chased by the police, he gave his girlfriend the old heave ho right out of the moving vehicle. And I *think* Steve was the Sergeant called to the scene later. And I'm going to be incredibly embarrassed if it wasn't.

Psssst, South! Get your fishing pole out. I know where you can get TONS of great fish right in Atlanta. They showed pictures of the new aquarium in Atlanta and it is GORGEOUS. I don’t even like fish and I thought it was breathtaking. There was one wall of glass that the founder, the owner of the Home Depot *insert his name right here cuz I sure don‘t know it*, said was almost 24 feet high. My favorite part where the fish were on both sides of the people and over their heads as the walls in that section were in an arch shape. That was really cool.

Well I finally had a conversation with my boss about the shit that’s been bothering me at work lately. Last week kissass coworker started a job to gain favor with the boss, made a huge deal about it and when she left last week, she said, "Oh, btw, you’ll need to finish that up." I promptly ignored it. When the boss came in and asked why it wasn’t finished, I said, "She started that job, she took all the credit for that job, so I feel it’s her responsibility to finish that job." And while my boss agreed with me, she’s very much this sort of person: if she’s with you, she agrees with you, if she’s with the other employees, she agrees with them. Then the talk of overtime came up and I again told her my stand on that. She’s like, "Well.." as if it was no big deal. I said, "Do you realize that kissass has gotten over $700 in overtime in the last few weeks? Does that seem fair to you, that she was the last one hired and is taking all the overtime away from everyone? It certainly doesn’t to ME because I’ve been here the longest." Ahh, the joys of non-union work. There’s one other woman who was here longer than she was and I casually slipped it into the conversation that kissass has been getting so much overtime. She wasn’t aware of it because she’s only here 4 nights a week. Now she’s upset she’s not getting anything either. **excellent** She called the boss last night to bitch so maybe if we band together and make her more accountable, things will change. I don’t care if I have to share nights with her. It’s this hogging everything that gets on my nerves.
Now if I could just have a straightforward conversation like this with my mother without getting all emotional..

I’m so stoked with this whole CD burning that I think I might download an entire CD of just different versions of Sleigh Ride, my favorite Christmas song. So then when I’m listening and someone says, "What’s this?" I’ll say, "Sleigh Ride." And then when they say, "Now what’s this song?" I’ll go, "Hmmm, not sure. I think it MIGHT BE Sleigh Ride."

There’s a local cable channel I watch from time to time that focuses on Pennsylvania businesses and authors. I was flipping through channels and caught a bit of Allen Hornblum, author of "Acres of Skin: Human Experiments at Holmesburg Prison." He was talking about the R.J. Reynolds company and he said they discovered a Canadian doctor who reported that high amounts of nicotine caused bladder cancer. That upset them because, of course, it might affect their financial bottom line, so they sought out this doctor, Dr. Kligman, who was doing experiments on prisoners in exchange for a fee in Pennsylvania and had him expose them to high levels of nicotine to see if this was true. He also said that Pennsylvania had the largest amount of prisons that did these sorts of tests on prisoners. He did testing for another company and when the prisoners got sick, he didn’t even treat them for several weeks so he could see how the illness progressed! That’s disgusting. It’s scary when brilliant scientists lose their respect for human life and everyone becomes an experiment.

Maybe it’s just me, but ever since Starr Jones started on her "diet" *wink wink nudge nudge* she is really yucky looking. I don’t know whether it’s because I’m not used to seeing her this way, but her eyes look like they’re protruding like someone with a thyroid problem.

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

learning to breathe

Ok let me reiterate--I will NOT open emails with attachments
from people I don't know. You have to include whatever IN LINE.
I've gotten two or three of them lately and I won't open them. I can tell from the
comments in the subject line that they're legit mail, but nooot gonna do it. Sorry.

Thanks to those of you who wrote and posted in my LJ about the family situation. I keep trying to put it out of my mind, but that’s not exactly my forte. Mr. G said, "When you keep repeating ‘I don‘t care‘ I know you‘re really upset about it."
I guess I’m trying to convince myself. Oh, well. I don’t care. LOL. He’s right.

Tammy writes: "Goddess, I am a Pennsylvania native. What city do you live in?"
Hey, Tammy. Thanks for writing. I live in a small predominantly Pennsylvania Dutch town called Farfrompoopin. Our two main "industries," if you will, are the dietary fiber plant--where I used to work. I got fired because they said I had a shitty attitude. And the other "industry" is our huge rendering plant where I currently work with a bunch of shitty people. So it all comes out in the end I guess.

Well we’re gearing up for our first big snowstorm I guess. QUICK!! Everybody rush out to the grocery store and stock up on milk, bread and eggs because we’ll be snowed in FOREVER and EVER!! Screw milk, eggs and bread. I head right for the candy aisle and refill my emergency chocolate. Now that would TRULY be horrible if we were snowed in for days and I had no chocolate.
You know, horrible for those living with me.
One is never quite sure if we‘re having a storm until it materializes (or doesn‘t), thanks to the way the weathermen sensationalize every snowflake that falls. We had snow a couple weeks ago, but it hardly counts [except for the trees and power lines it knocked down] because it came and went all in the same day. They’re calling for a small amount of snow throughout Tuesday night, not much today and then the mother lode is due to arrive on Thursday. It always worries me when they say "significant snowfall" without any inches. It makes me want to kick myself for not buying hot chocolate to drink with my chocolate. Lately the weatherman has been pulling this sort of bullshit, "There will be 10-20 inches of snow north of the I-80 corridor." As if ANY of us have any clue as to where the hell the I-80 corridor even is! So we’re forced to drag out the map, only to discover we’re way SOUTH of the I-80 corridor and don’t give a flying fart as to what’s happening up there! Why not just give us the weather for FRANCE and be done with it?!
Makes about as much sense.

When I was downloading some more songs from Napster, I looked through the Christmas songs because I'd like to burn a Christmas CD. They had the Jingle Cats and the Jingle Dogs. Come on. How desperate does a person have to be to--woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof--wow it really DOES sound like they're singing Jingle Bells!! And the lyrics are super easy to remember.

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

my life is brilliant

Ok everybody who has been reading my journal for the last few years knows that I pretty much talk about anything and everything. Well something happened in my family recently that has really upset me and here's where you might want to skim to the next paragraph if you hate hearing about that sort of stuff. I mentioned last month that my uncle passed away. He lived alone and had a very nice house, nice furniture, pretty much nice everything. Every one of us kids got some furniture and every one of us got some sort of antique furniture. He had given me a beautiful bookcase/desk combo two years back that is my favorite piece. That having been said there was the contents of his house: his sheets, towels, dishes, etc. My mother had us bring everything up to her house and she and my dad sorted through it first to see what they wanted. The rest was left for us to divide. Now I am NOT a materialistic person. Mr. G will confirm that, and if the man in your life confirms it, it must be true!
My mother told all of my siblings to come look at the stuff on two different Sundays. Conveniently she "forgot" to call me both times. So the call I got went something like this, "the stuff is down here to look at. What you don't want will go to St. Vincent De Paul's. " And that's pretty much where it belonged. My loving siblings picked through everything like vultures with a fresh carcass. They didn't even leave me so much as a fucking Christmas or Easter decoration. It was all junk nobody wanted. At one point, my mother said, "Oh there's a bunch of Christmas stuff down there they're going to divide up." Oh, they "divided it up" alright, cutting me right out of the equation. Mr. G stopped down at my mom's to drop something off last Friday and he mentioned that there were a lot of nice pots and pans, and when he reached for one my mother said, "Oh, no, everybody has to look through it first." Yeah, everybody but me. By the time I got there, there wasn't a fucking pot or pan in sight.
It's not the idea that I didn't get the "stuff" that upsets me, it's the fact that my siblings didn't even think enough of me to set a few nice things aside for me. Hell, they didn't even set ONE nice thing aside for me. Everytime my mother says, "Why don't you come down more and visit? I just want to laugh in her face." Shit like this is exactly why. So there. It's on my mind. It's fucking bugging me and I hate that it bothers me, but it does. So if I seem a tad bitter in the coming days, you'll know why.

On to better things...

I’m LOVING having this fabu laptop at work! It saves me so much time since I can write my update during the day and just transfer it when I get home. If I could connect to the net, I would have achieved Nirvana. But alas, while there’s a wireless signal around me but it’s too weak to do anything. I also love the fact that I can burn my own CD’s --GUILT FREE, I might add because I bought the songs--and that I don’t have to buy an entire CD just to get the one or two songs that I like. I can even group them the way I want--all sad, introspective "my life is ruined because of you, scum" songs together and all happy "how could I have ever thought you were scum?!" songs together. Alex said that he liked a couple of James Blunt’s songs, but not all of them, so I cancelled my CD order and downloaded "You’re Beautiful," which is my current favorite song. I love the way it ends so simply with "but it’s time to face the truth, I will never be with you." I also DL’ed his version of Bob Dylan’s "I Want You." I’m going to check out a few more of his tracks, but it was probably better buying them this way. So far I’m only out $2, not $13.

I still can’t believe I’m older than Zal! Must be his life experiences
that made me think he was older. I am only comforted by the fact that
while I’m older than Zal, I’m still younger than that Joo boy South.
Life is good that way.

I had the offspring sit down and write their letters to Santa last night. After all, why shouldn’t they know the agony of begging for something for thirty some years? Builds up their character. Female Offspring #7 asked for a Pizza Hut play set. Gawd, that brings a tear to my eye. Well, it did when I found out real pizza wasn’t included. But the thought of her requesting a high carb food toy makes me so incredibly happy. I feel like I‘ve finally done something right with one of my offspring.

Speaking of carbs, I bought a box of Russell Stover Sugar Free Chocolates and they’re pretty good. The caramel was delish. I searched online and purchased a box of ALL sugar free caramels, my favorite ones. I’m not wild about those stupid orange and cherry filled chocolates and natch those are the ones I usually grab--after I’ve eaten all the caramels.

I was wondering if the concealer that comes with Sheer Cover would be a problem because it’s not mineral based and already it’s causing my face to break out. Ironically, it covers the blemishes it caused quite well.
I’m canceling any future shipments and I’m going to try Pur Minerals next in my search for the best mineral based make up. Cover Girl, get the hell off your asses and jump on the bandwagon here already!! The one thing I HATED about both Bare Minerals and Sheer Cover are the brushes. Yes, the brushes that they make such a huge deal about in the infomercials. They give you that "in a store, you’d pay $50 for the brush alone" bullshit, and then their mouths drop open like it’s the most amazing thing. Maybe you would but they’d be overpriced there, too. Little bits of bristle are constantly breaking off on my face and before I leave the house I have to make sure I’ve gotten them all because they look like little black hairs. UGH. It’s annoying because the make up looks so good and then I have to disturb it by trying to pick the bristles off of my skin.

Monday, November 21, 2005

why can't they back up off me

I spent much of Sunday evening cleaning and downloading songs
from Napster. That's right, NAPSTER, because GODDESS PAYS FOR HER SONGS!!!
She doesn't know, any more. The first song I downloaded?
Clocks from COLDPLAY. That's right, Mr. South, COLDPLAY.
I love the music to that song. Makes me wish I could play piano.

I see the latest new Christmas decoration is the upside down tree.
And yes, it’s upside down on purpose. Screw that. Give me a tree that
hangs from the ceiling like a piƱata so the cats can’t play soccer with my ornaments.

Uh oh. Today I received this email: "Goddess, how DARE YOU post that comment about the threesome I had with the Marlboro Man and Camel Joe?! That is TOTALLY NOT TRUE!! I had a three-way with a man who smoked WINSTONS and Camel Joe. You better hope I never find out where you live, or I WILL KICK . YOUR. ASS. Hugs and Kisses, Zal’s mom."
Holy hell, she’s wicked tough!

I was flipping channels on Sunday during Steeler game commercials and saw a few minutes of "That Darn Cat." Unbelievable. My cat can’t even poop in her litter box without getting half of it on the floor, and this cat becomes an operative for the FBI. That’s it. No more feeding the cats horse meat. I’m buying the good stuff from now on.

Sherry writes: "What does it mean when a guy says 'keep in touch'?"
Well with *some* guys it means "stalk me. PLEASE." But with most guys
it means "it's been fun on a platonic sisterly kind of level." Mostly it means
don't bother monogramming his initials on your bathtowels.

Here’s something for that person on your Christmas list that you just
can’t stand: R Kelly continues to bore us with "In the Closet," with new versions 6 through God only knows. The wonderful thing about this whateveryoucall it is that R Kelly himself who bores us through the whole thing by singtalking the "story," also narrates and explains the story for those who are too stupid to get the meaning of the "song" the first time around.

Now that Santa has been so incredibly good to me,
I vow to only say good things about him,
even though that bastard could have gotten me a Crissy doll for a mere EIGHT BUCKS ON eBAY!!

I know Jamie Lee Curtis is deep into her "be yourself" gig--something those of us who can't afford plastic surgery figured out a long time ago--but that grey hair she’s currently sporting is ICK. There’s nothing wrong with trying to look the best you can at whatever age you are. And what’s wrong with looking your best? So get out that box of Clairol and zap that grey!!

There's a new reality show on A&E that I actually really liked then ended up hating all in the first episode. It's called Random 1 and it's a show about two guys who drive around the country doing good things for strangers. In the episode I saw, a guy needed a new leg and a chick wanted to work for a non-profit organization. In another ep they offered to help a guy get help for his drinking problem. If they haven't been already, I'm guessing these two guys (and this show) will be featured on Oprah. It's right up her do gooder alley. The funny thing about the show I watched is that these two guys met the chick who wanted to work for a non-profit organization in Conn, and they drove her to New York for the meeting! She didn't know these guys from Adam. The scary thing is it shows how easy it would be to dupe somebody. Her dad called her and she's like, "it's ok, dad, there's cameras and everything." As if murderers wouldn't tape a murder. And when her boyfriend called she said, "Well there's nothing I can do about it now. We're in the Bronx" as if that explained everything. Here's the reason I liked it but ended up hating it: it started out with a great premise, helping strangers achieve their goals. But there's so much faked up drama and bickering between the two guys hosting the show that it totally distracts from what they're trying to achieve.

Sunday, November 20, 2005

Saturday, November 19, 2005

why can't you and i get together

I had one HELL of a long freak ass day yesterday. Holly wanted to sleep with me and normally she would lay with her butt to mine. Thursday night she decided to stretch out across the bottom of the bed and lay her head on my feet/legs. I kept trying to move her over so that she would have a side of the bed and I would have a side of the bed, but she wanted to snuggle. About three o'clock, I got up to pee, started thinking about a family situation that was upsetting me and between that and the bear of a dog cutting off the ciruculation in my legs I'd had it. Holly heard Mr. G moving around in bed so she leaped off my bed and went in with him. I decided to get up and download some programs onto my laptop. I tried to dl AOL and Yahooey during the day but kept getting the boot, so I figured I'd scrap both of those programs and just go with Trillian. It loaded with no problem at 3:30 a.m. and I got to yak it up with Di and Zal.
Then I had to go to work all day and from work I went right to the funeral home. I didn't get home until after 8:30 p.m. and my butt was dragging. I didn't get a chance to tape Jeopardy either, so our Jeopardy Off will have to carry over to Monday I guess.

I finally received my shipment of Sheer Cover yesterday. You would not BELIEVE the TINY AMOUNT of foundation powder they have in this kit. Good grief, if I sneeze, I've lost a month's worth of foundation. It is insane. It DOES give better coverage than Bare Minerals, but Bare Minerals gives you .06 oz of powder and Sheer Cover gives you .05 oz. Might not seem like much of a difference, but it is! I haven't seen a mineral make-up yet, though, that gives you a decent amount of foundation for the price they OVERcharge. $29 and $39 for less than a
freaking ounce of powder. Hell, cocaine is probably cheaper.

Friday, November 18, 2005

my baby takes the morning train

Goddess' Current Mood: I'M SO EXCITED!!!!!!

Yes, Virginia, there IS a Santa Claus!!!! 
So yesterday I received a special delivery letter from someone named "S. Claus." I'm like "S. Claus, S. Claus, I don't know anybody by the name of S. Claus." I opened the letter and this is what it said: "Dear Goddess, This is Santa Claus."
[See?! He really DOES exist!! I've been telling you people this for YEARS!]
"My wife, Mrs. Claus found several of your letters to me behind
a dusty filing cabinet in my workshop."
[I KNEW his filing system was sucky!]
"For several years you've been a very good girl--some reports rate you at "exceptional because you swallow," whatever that means--and every year you've faithfully asked for a Crissy Doll and now a laptop. Goddess, I feel badly that I can't get you that Crissy Doll..."
[Hasn't the little piss ant ever heard of eBay??!! I saw her there for only $9.99]
"But I CAN get you that laptop.
[FUCK that Crissy doll!!!]
Merry Christmas, Goddess!"
OH. MY. GAWD. Have you ever seen a more glorious sight in your life?!
(Go to my main site to see what I'm so estatic about!!)
Whooo Hooooo!!! Santa is DEFINITELY getting a blow job from ME!
Only one slight problem: now that I have it, I'm totally intimidated
and afraid to use it. Sigh.

If you want to read the Black Friday ads and you're too friggin' cranked up
on *insert your drug of choice here* to wait until the newspaper ads come out,
you can check 'em out here. Then again there are those of us who already
have their shopping finished.

I was talking on the phone with my best friend David, who was
reading some erroneous material about PA slang.
[I forgive him, though. He's from South Dakota. He doesn't know any better.]
He said, "Do you use the word 'sammich'?"
I'm like, 'HELLO?! Nooooo, I do NOT use the word "sammich."
I am a REFINED person. I use the word "samwich," thank you very much."

After reading South's update yesterday about Comcast, I'm so glad I DIDN'T pick up the phone and say, "Miiiiiiiiike, tell me how to use this laptop. I'm skeert." Phew!

Oooo, Kat informed me through all her drool that those were MOTOR COPS (her fav) in the pic I posted yesterday. Di later told me they were "patrolling the area." Guess they've never heard of "cars." Your feet never have to leave the ground. Gawd, can you IMAGINE doing THAT job?! Nooooo, thanks.

Thursday, November 17, 2005

sail across the water and lay your wisdom down

I put my first "Seasons Beatings" button on the car yesterday.
Let's see how long it takes to get them ripped off. I have 8 of them. Let's
see if they last me all winter. The only thing bad about it that Jay should have put a  web addy where people could buy more on the button itself somewhere.

You'll have to read the rest of today's post over on my main site where the pictures are....

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

here's platinum lightning in the sky look i'm livin' like a queen

A BIG to Mike South for sending me the CD I needed!!
He's an eggcellent web pimp.

I'm takin' a beatin'! Jeopardy was harder last night than it was the night before! I thought it was supposed to get easier as the week wore on. The freaking categories were like "Gov't AND Politics," (whooo hoo! they combined two of my favorite categories!) "Dead Scientists" (almost as painful as listening to Alex rap last night) and sumdum super hero one that made no sense. The worst though: snowboarding. I mean how much snowboarding time do you think I get in every year?! I know NOTHING about that category.
I only got $9000 because I bet a wad on final Jeopardy's 2005
commencement speeches and I got it right. I thought, "Hmm, 2005. I should be able to remember what happened in THAT year." The clue was like, "this person told
the students to read books, give generously to charity and stay in Maine."
I'm like, "it's gotta be an author or somebody
very big on education, but who do I know from Maine???"
THEN I remembered: STEPHEN KING!!!
I am only consoled by the fact that I did way better than that Alison chick.
(Sorry, Alison. It just had to be said.)

I don't know why but I just don't like the look of Hotmail. Maybe it's because
it's still new to me, but it's all cramped and icky.

Crap. Remind me NEVER to combine shipments for the cheapest method on Amazon ever again! I ordered Madonna's CD, James Blunt's CD and Heidi Bett's When The Lights Go Down on the 10th. That last one is a romance novel, not a CD. It stated that Madonna's CD wasn't available until the 15th but that wasn't too bad, so I decided to lump it all together and go for the free shipping. Damn it if James Blunt's CD doesn't take 1-2 weeks to arrive. So the new expected delivery date is the 29th. GUH. I want that book, damn it!!
Then Amazon put a big "these items are GUARANTEED to arrive by December 23" by my order.
Give me a break. I should think so, that's over a month away.

it's not even available in my area. FUCKERS!!!

The weather has been so weird lately. This morning around 1 a.m.
when I went to bed, it was 65°. Now it's down to 45° and the temps are going to fall all
the way down to the 20's. Destructive tornados have sprung up in the Midwest today killing at least two people. I blame this all on the gays.
If they'd just stop doing each other up the ass,
this would all stop and peace would regin supreme.

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

i'll be home for the holidays

Stephen Colbert was talking about a new book by N.Y. Times columnist
Maureen Dowd entitled "Are Men Necessary?" He described it as "a series
of essays defending her inability to get a date."

While I'm on the subject of rushing the holidays, I don't know what it's like in other parts of the country, but last year I noticed a definite push by the stores in my area to get people shopping ON Thanksgiving Day. I'll tell ya why this bothers me. The people in the corporate offices of those same stores have their four day weekend, while the peons manning the stores have to spend their holidays away from their families. Doesn't seem quite fair to me. Or necessary.

Bugzzz writes: "TV ads are nothing. NOTHING!!!! We have a station here (it's a Mix station, if that makes any sense owned by some conglomerate Clear Channel, I think....)
They have already started playing Christmas music. There are those out there that will say, "'s only a song now and then." Ah, but you would be wrong, my friends, oh so very wrong. Beginning on November 1st, this station began playing around the farkin' clock Christmas music. ARGH!!! I reprogrammed my car radio to exclude the morons. I like Christmas music, but not all the FARKING TIME!!!!!!!!! It's bad enough that I'll soon be hearing it in the stores. As a matter of fact, I emailed the station to complain, but the only answer I have recieved back was an automated one. JERKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!
**steps down from soapbox and turns off rant** "
Ooo, you have a Mix station? Damn. Wish we had one of those.
They haven't started playing any Christmas music around here yet. Thank You, God. I can only hack Christmas music when all my shopping is completed and in the SUMMER, when the implications behind it pose no threat to my wallet. Besides, it's just plain funny hearing "Let it Snow!" when you're sweating like a pig. Conversely, it's not the least bit funny hearing "Hot Fun in the Summertime" when you're shoveling snow.
One of our stations has Christmas music all day Christmas, but the others only play it sporadically otherwise.

One GOOD thing about Firefox is I just discovered after I grouped several of what's left of my bookmarks together, that there is an "open in tabs" option. I clicked that, took a 65 minute shower and when I came back all my blogs were fully loaded and ready to read.
(Gotta love dial up.)
Makes my morning reading move a lot quicker.

Ooops. I keep writing that Martina is in the KMart ads, I meant to say WalMart ads.

Holy shit, Batman! That Jeopardy game was BRUTAL yesterday. They had poetry AND art q's. Brrrrr. But I made dumb mistakes, too. Like I KNEW the study of fish was called "Icthyology," but I said, "Icthyillology." GUH!! That cost me a cool $1k. And I could NOT remember who sang, "I'm gonna knock you out! Mama said knock you out!" even though I could sing the damn lyrics!

This is the email I sent to the good folks at WalMart:
"Hi, earlier today I emailed you and asked the name of the country singer in your current Christmas ads. You emailed back and said you didn't have that information. I wanted to let you know that your Christmas country spokesperson is none other than Martina McBride.
I'm sure you can Google her to find out more about her because you evidently have no clue as to her identity. Perhaps you might want to Google your other company spokespeople, too, while you're at it, so you know their names, should the situation arise again.
Look for the great articles throughout my site, The World of, and find TWOG exclusive scathing commentaries on such things as WalMart ruining the competition and driving small businesses out of town and how Martina's Winnebago is bigger than my trailer. Happy Holidays!"

And once again, a big F.U. to Planters for running their Christmas ads
ten days before Thanksgiving. Thanks so much for giving us time to enjoy
Thanksgiving before you cram your crappy gift packs down our throats.

Monday, November 14, 2005

i'm the king of the castle and you're the dirty rascal

Last night while we were getting ready to watch the Steeler game, Holly was laying on the living room carpet chewing a bone. Before the game they had a rap group sing some song about Pittsburgh and the Browns. I know that because those were the only two words I understood. Anywho, the minute the rap music started playing, Holly stopped chewing and stared at the screen for the entire song. Mr. G said, "Look at her. She loves that music." I said, "Of course she does, honey. She's BLACK." BWAHAHAAHAHA.

Term I'm sick to death of hearing? "Smashmouth football"? If I hear
that idiotic term one more time this season I'm gonna scream.
How does putting pressure on the defense by running the ball translate
into "smashmouth"???

I emailed KMart today to ask them who the country singer in their Christmas ads is, and this is what they said," Thank you for contacting Unfortunatly we do not have the information you are requesting. We
apologize we are unable to assist you further.
Look for great bargains throughout the store and find Kmart exclusive
brands like Martha Stewart Everyday, Thalia Sodi, Joe Boxer, Route 66 and
Jaclyn Smith."
Well if they don't know who the hell she is, WHO WOULD?! She's THEIR spokesperson!
And I love the way half of their email is nothing more than a friggin' advertisement.

Mr. G went to bed early for his afternoon nap yesterday because
he said I was "on the sugar free war path." Not only am I on the sugar
free war path, I'm tripping down PMS trail.

Sunday, November 13, 2005

every little thing that you say and do i'm hung up i'm hung up on you

Ooooo. Ahhhh. O. Got to see Officer Joey Perez in action again.
WHEN are they going to show his new segments already?!
I pretty much have this one memorized.

I finally had a chance to sit down and watch "NOPD: After Katrina" The drunk chick at the beginning of the show was unbelievable. She screamed--amidst a sea of obscenities--"the police in this town are NAZIS!!" She was totally drunk off her ass, yelling and demanding they get her a room with running water. They brought in a preacher to talk to her and she screeched, "I need a room with running water! I don't need a preacher! I'm not talking to a preacher with Mardi Gras beads around his neck!" UGH. Those guys deserved a medal for putting up with her stupidity and the horrendous situation. More about this show later.

Richard Freeman writes: "The one thing I don't like about the Colbert Show is - Colbert."
LOL. And yet he was so funny on The Daily Show.
I guess cuz we saw him in SMALL DOSES.
I do, believe, though, that it IS still waaaaay too much Stephen. And the other night I noticed he was talking about some of the same things Jon was. If they could only COMBINE the two shows somehow or let Stephen have a couple nights a week and Jon a couple.

Two of my sisters sent me the latest "fun" email circulating.
"Describe me in one word - just one.
Send it to me (only me), then forward this email to your friends and see
how many strange things people think about you. You use one word
to describe the person and send it back to them."
People, people, people. Do you really want to go there with ME?
Don't make me send back emails with words like
"stillouttogetmommysapproval" and "bossyjustlikemother."
I know better than to send an email like that out about myself.
Strange will BE one of the words I hear.
Along with odd, goofy, psycho and weird.
All words that build up the old self esteem.

I wanted to post this the other day, but forgot. Check out the new look to
Kat's main site. It's crisp and clean, and it looks great.

Saturday, November 12, 2005

well we're out there having fun in the warm california sun

I'm writing another 12 gifts of Christmas article, so ladies, or guys,
if you've gotten a great gift,
let me know what it is so I can share it with others.
OR if there's a great gift you'd LIKE to get, send that along as well.
I have about five ideas already, but I'm open to your ideas as well.

If you like cats and you like to "torture" them in a FUNNY way--and no, that doesn't mean with guns or sporks--you'll love this. Strat sent me a link to this hysterical site. They're all funny. It's amazing what you can do to a comotose cat. I like the pic with the creative use of fruit pic.

Some people--Mr. G--think they are sooooo very clever. Pepsi products were on sale this week, 5 six packs for $10. I LOOOOOOOOOVE diet Pepsi, but needless to say, it doesn't love me. So I bought ONE diet pepsi 6 pack and the rest diet wild cherry pepsi, which I HATE, so I wouldn't be tempted beyond the six bottles. For some reason cherry and cola should NEVER go together in my book. It's like chocolate and cherry. ICK. Mr. G LOVES the cherry. So what does he do? While I'm at work he proceeds to drink up all the diet pepsi for himself, thus leaving another four six packs of that shitty diet cherry pepsi for....yeah...HIMSELF.

Phil Sheridan wrote an excellent article on the whole Terrell
Owens situation in the Miami Herald the other day.

"I'll take, 'what have I got to lose except my dignity and self respect' for $1000, Alex." Because I apparently have no shame, I have agreed to a "Jeopardy Off"
with El Cheapo, Maxxx Beaver's webdude. We aren't playing for
anything but the fun of it.
(That sentence probably just sent a chill up Mike South's spine.)Damn. I've never known a guy who is willing to play for the "fun" of anything.
They're always so damn competitive.

A tooth "BELIEVED TO BE" Napolean's was auctioned off for a cool $22k. I have an offspring here I BELIEVE TO BE the son of the Dali Lama. Wonder how much I can get for him? That's such bullshit though. They THINK the tooth was yanked from Napolean's mouth?? Why pay that much when you don't know? Why pay that much for a friggin' tooth while we're at it. Hell, some genius probably came across their grandma's baby teeth and sold it for $22k. The hysterical thing is that the tooth came with PAPERS. I know I keep a notarized document and pictures of all my teeth for when I become super famous. That will make it so much easier for the offspring to sell their Goddess memorabilia for drug money. Oh, and Nap's tooth also had a cavity in it, so apparently he didn't know the first thing about dental hygiene.

Headline from USA Today: "French Rioting Spurs British Haughtiness, Introspection." Do the Brits really need a reason to be haughty?
Aren't they pretty much haughty all the time?
Paraphrasing Cactus Jack, "They don't need a reason, just an opportunity."

OMG. I never realize how bad my fear of heights is until I'm forced to climb a ladder. Mr. G and I were thinking about insulating the attic--YES, my trailer has an attic, bite me. So Mr. G climbed up the ladder and said, "It's already insulated on the floor. See what you think." I'm like, "No, that's ok. If you think it's ok, it's fine by me." NEVER am I so agreeable as when I want to get out of doing something that tests my comfort zone. He said, "No, I want you to look." So I started up the ladder and my legs froze. I'm like, "That's it. I'm too high! I can't go any further." He said, "you're only on the FIRST step!" Took me five minutes but I got up to the fourth step, sweating the entire time.

Well Stupid cat has reached an all time stupidity low. I took some clothes
out of the dryer and left the door open while I folded the clothes.
I went outside for something and when I leaned over to close the
door, Stupid Cat popped her head out of the dryer.

I urge you all to email South and chastize him for his insensitivty to fat people and pigs everywhere. In yesterday's "update"--if you can call posting IM's an "update"--he was making fun of fat peole and pigs. Oh I emailed him and told him right. off.
(Okok, it was really just an excuse to slide in another reminder
for him to send me a CD he promised.)
While I'm on the subject of Mr. South, I noticed that Maxxx Beaver
got a copy of the South Pole Invasion while moi DID NOT! That's bullshit.
Maxxx never stalked him!
(Hello, Goddess, could that be why? Shut up, Goddess.)
In what universe does a Beaver
rate higher than a Goddess?! Apparently in Mr. South's universe!
Kudos to JimmyD, who wrote an EGGCELLENT piece on the vid.

The one segment I dislike on The Stephen Colbert Show is The Word. Now don't get me wrong, I think it's very funny, but it doesn't flow smoothly. Stephen will say one thing and there will be a funny bullet point to the right of him on the screen. So as he's starting to speak his next point, the audience gets the joke and begins to laugh, so he's constantly starting and then stopping for the laugh. They need to retool that segment. It's like trying to listening to the news while reading that idiotic ticker at the bottom of the screen at the same time.

Jay Leno is very generously donating 100% of the profits from his new book, "How to be The Funniest Kid in the Whole Wide World" to the "Concerns of Police Survivors, Inc.", a program which provides resources to surviving families of police officers killed in the line of duty.

Friday, November 11, 2005

the problem is all inside your head she said to me

Goddess' Hott Cop O'The Week award goes to: Officer Shane Webb,
of the Chattanooga, Tennessee Police Department.
That's a romance novel name for a cop if ever there was one.

Once again, let me state that I OFFICIALLY HATE FIREFOX!! This is the second time this has happened to me. I was working from my bookmark list and the computer was running slow, so I decided to close everything out and reboot. When I logged back on, ALL of my friggin' bookmarks were LOST. I would have invoked the Goddess/God of the Internet to make them reappear, but I didn't know who that was because I suck at mythology, remember?! Instead, I had to spend over 45 minutes going back through my history to get my bookmarks. I have my main ones, like the blogs I read daily and my site stats, but I've lost ALL of my smiley sites--YES, even the DIRTY ONES--and all of my clip art sites. If Santa brings me a new laptop, I'm not even downloading this shitty browser. FUCK YOU, FIREFOX!!!!

Speaking of Santa and my laptop, I just realized that if he brings it to me this Christmas, I'll be able to watch PORN dvds at work!! How COOL is that?! BTW, I'm still using VHS tapes. What the hell are PSP's?

Oh crap. Pat Robertson is wagging his finger and threatening dire consequences to the people of Dover, PA, who voted to oust the school board members who were in favor of "Intelligent Design." Robertson said they should not be surprised if disaster strikes, because "you just voted God out of your city." Now you just KNOW that if ANYTHING even REMOTELY upsetting happens in Dover from now till the end of time, Pat Robertson will be jumping up and down yelling, "Told ya so! Told ya so!"

Rob Corrdry is by far the best reporter on The Daily Show. Ed Helms is a very close second. Rob is hysterical, especially on political issues.

Let me just say that I LOVE SLEEPING IN MY UNCLE'S BED!!!! Ok, wait. Maybe that didn't come out the way I wanted it to. We finally moved the bedroom furniture out of my uncle's house and have it set up at our house. Female Offspring #1 is freaking out over the fact that Mr. G and I now have separate bedrooms. Hey, except for not cuddling when I'm cold, I'm loving it. We have sex in "his" room, then I go to "my" room and sleep without having to listen to him snoring. It's what long married couples do, I'm tellin' ya. My mom and dad don't sleep together and neither do two of my sisters and their hubbys. Like I said, I do miss the cuddling and the talking together early in the morning and late at night, but I can always yell through the wall. And I'll invite him to "spend the night" from time to time.

Paris Hilton's new bf smashed into another car while driving away from a restaurant with a coat over his head to avoid the media. Note to Paris Hilton's new bf: "There's a REASON people don't drive with jackets over their heads, asswipe."

I love it when WalMart kisses it's own ass about being such a service to the community and the people of this country. 46 percent of the children of Wal-Mart's 1.33 million United States employees are uninsured or on Medicaid. Then they implemented this new health care plan with--get this--a ONE THOUSAND DOLLAR deductible. But they were quick to add that the $1k deductible only kicked in after the third visit. Shit, I'd use my visits wisely, and I'd only use the second visit if I was 100% sure I'd die soon afterwards.

Ordered two new CD's and a new romance novel. I ordered James Blunt's Back to Bedlam and Madonna's new CD cuz I heard it was mostly dance music. I HEART dance music. I saw the video for her new song, and I must say it's a good thing she doesn't allow little impressionable Lourdes to watch tv. After all, what kid wants to see their mother grinding her crotch in some black guy's face? Madonna has DEFINITELY had some sort of plastic surgery. She looked older a year ago than she does now, no doubt due to the smoking, and now her skin is stretched as tight as a 21 yr old's with nary a wrinkle in sight. She's either had tons o'botox or lifts.
I also bought Heidi Betts' new book, When the Lights Go Down. Can't wait to get this order!

Terrell Owen's agent was giving a speech to the press yesterday and I caught a bit of it on the news. He stated that there were other players in the NFL who had done drugs and committed more serious offenses than Terrell and yet they weren't suffering the same severe punishment he was. It's downright sad, people, when your best defense is comparing yourself to people who have fucked up worse than you have.

Eric writes: "If I won $5 million in the lottery, I guess the first thing I'd buy
would be a printer, and the second thing a real computer to replace
this MSNTV unit.
Eric also says "nude window washers" sounds like "an urban legend to me."
Ok, Eric, you BETTER be reading through my archives cuz if my memory is so bad that I can't remember talking about these things in the last month or so, I'm gonna cry. Actually the nude window washer thing was a joke.

There's a site on the internet where people talk about Stephen Colbert and one of the pages is "Stephen Colbert Sightings." One person talked about seeing Stephen at CVS, another in the park and one person posted this: "Saw Stephen at work yesterday. Full disclosure: I am a graphics designer for the Colbert Report."

This is a q for somebody who knows something about country music: who is the dark haired chick on the KMart Christmas commercial singing, "I'll be home for the holidays..." I love that jingle.

Thursday, November 10, 2005

something told me it was time to leave you yours and leave me mine

Oh MAN! I just had a stunning revelation, and for once it doesn't concern my cop fetish. Our local radio station is having one of those 12 days of Christmas gift giving thingies, like it has every year. You can nominate yourself or someone you feel is deserving of good things.
(Did I talk about this before? Tough shit if I did.)
Naturally I'm going to nominate myself. Who is more deserving than moi?
I'm going to say that because I put my offspring first and meet their needs, I never have any money left over to buy my laptop. I'm also going to say that I need said laptop because I spend as much time as I can working on my website
to make THOUSANDS of people laugh every day.
Ok, there's only the five of you, but the idiots at the
radio station don't know that.

Because Louis Libby's gross sex book is doing so well--some copies are selling for thousands of dollars--I am now busy buying the books of every politician I think might fuck up or be indicted in the future. Needless to say I am buying a HUGE amount of books.

Tragedy struck last night at my trailer. "Someone" and I won't say who on the grounds that it might "discriminate me," as the dude said on COPS, "accidentally" sucked up Female Offspring #7's little white mouse with the dustbuster. Now in "someone's" defense, let me say that mice are friggin' rodents and as such, belong OUTSIDE the trailer. Who knew a small mouse would even fit inside the dust buster? Besides me, of course. There was much wailing and gnashing of teeth, but it was particularly hard on me--the person who had to write the tiny suicide note in tiny mouse scratch. Yes, it was a massive cover up, people. We're talking "conspiracy to withhold the truth." I went with the dairy intolerance excuse. I said that if Mr. Mouse--don't look at me, I didn't name him--couldn't
eat cheese, he had no reason to live...

Damn, Zal wrote about a contest called "The 8 Hunks of Hanukkah." Had I known about this ahead of time, I would have nominated my two Jewish brothers in porn, Mike South--aka Mike Strotherstein--and Luke Ford aka Luke Ford.

I swear Mr. G is spying on me. Or wasting MY gas, I'm not sure which. Every so often, he'll take my car somewhere instead of his own. I'll say, "Why did you take my car?" and he'll give me the old "No reason. I just like to take it now and then." Uh huh schure. And I just like to rifle through his wallet every now and then for my health.

Bugzzz writes: "What do you think about a school board in Fla outlawing Christian and Jewish holidays? No more Christmas break, no Easter break, no Ramadan, nothing Nada zilch. IMPO, let them. There is no law that states that I have to send my kid on a day when I want them home. Granted, not that I keep him out everyday, mind you....I send him because I need the peace and quiet...but if there were students that could take off school on Rosh Hashanah (my apologies to our Jewish friends if I spelled that incorrectly) why can't my kid be home on Christmas? I can't imagine the staff is too excited either..... "
I didn't hear anything about this, but I do have one thing to say about God and this sort of idiocy. The people of this country are such hypocrites. We are so quick to remove anything even remotely related to God and spirituality from our schools and our public buildings, but the minute this country has a disaster, guess whose name is on everybody's lips as we pray for Him to get us out of our mess?
Bugzzz also writes: "RE: Tom Cruise...I hope for Katie Holmes' sake that she doesn't develop postpartum depression after the birth of her supposed "love child".....according to the schmuck that she's going to doesn't exist."
Well you KNOW how derogatory stuff you say always comes back to bite you in the ass....

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

love is like oxygen

Goddess' Hott Cop O'Da Week award goes to:
Officer Scott Martine, of Las Vegas, Nevada.
And yes, I know sexy Officer Joey Perez's episode is going to re-air on Saturday,
so you guys can stop emailing me and telling me.

When most companies should be busting their asses for business, I find customer service has reached an all time low. I went into the service station to pay for my gas and the kid working the register was wearing headphones and listening to his IPod. Gosh, I hope my business didn't bother his listening schedule.

Apparently I'm not the only (former) customer who hates Circuit City. When I called to cancel our CC credit card, the choices were, "Are you cancelling because of inactivity? Debt redistribution? Unsatisfactory customer service?" It would be the last one, thank you very much.

Phil Collins says he is open to the idea of a Genesis reunion tour.
Must have bills that need paid.

Donald Trump has named HIMSELF as "most powerful man in the world."
I hereby proclaim myself to be the "most powerful Goddess in da 'court."

Stephen Colbert described Canada as "our pale sister to the North." He also read some of Scooter Libby's erotic novel. Gross. The guy has a thing for bestiality, specifically women/bear sex. UGH. Of the passage, Stephen said, "Well he's definitely guilty of creeping me out" Me as well.

I was watching a Drew Carey rerun and in it he posed barechested for a "before" pic to be used in conjunction with a beer diet pill infomercial. (Almost as believable an idea as that sex diet book I talked about yesterday.) The guy then slapped a huge pic of a barechested Drew on a billboard. Mimi had an ice statue of him made from the picture. She said, "I call it "The Ice CaPig."

The blonde twit news reporter on our local station was at the polls asking this question: why did come out to vote today? Gee, I don't know. Maybe because IT'S FRIGGIN' ELECTION DAY?!

Tom Cruise fired his publicist/sister. Apparently she was a little too eager to spread his Scientology psycho-babble, and Tom went from #11 most liked celeb to #197 or so, just ahead of PAULY SHORE. Who knew Pauly rated that highly? I've never really figured out what Tom's appeal is. He does squat for me. Yes, even in a cop's uni he would do squat for me. He's too short and gangly to be considered sexy and formidible IMHO.

Harlequin has inked a deal with NASCAR to publish romance novels centering around the racing industry. Well there's a line of romances I'll avoid like the plague.

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

the bubble headed bleach blonde comes on at five

Here's a couple really funny things I heard on Oprah yesterday: Kirstie Alley said she weighed 219 pounds at her highest weight. Uh huh and the Easter Bunny is my best friend. She pretended to be all shocked that she'd let herself go that badly. Perhaps had she said THREE hundred nineteen pounds I would have believed her because she's a big, tall woman. But 219? No way in Hell. Asked why she chose Jenny Craig, Kirstie replied that it had "worked for her" in the past. She said she called the company and explained that she wanted to do the program. Yeah sure and it had nothing to do with agreeing to lose weight in exchange for a huge sum of money and free food. Now she says being overweight was "a big stupid mistake I made." And yet just last summer she was in the women's mags saying that she was happier when she was fat and that's just the way things were. I thought it was hilarious when Kirstie said she threw away all her clothes after she lost the first FIFTEEN POUNDS. Puhleeze. Who does that? 15 pounds would hardly make much of a size difference.

Second funny thing I heard on Oprah yesterday. (And I KNEW the minute I heard about this it would either parlay into a magazine article or a book. Alas, it's already a book.) Some chick said she lost 23 pounds by having sex. I can see the suckers lining up to buy this piece o'crap book already. She said that she and her husband have sex eight times a week--that would explain the incredibly bored expression on his face throughout the entire interview. And that alongwithchanginghereatinghabits--a fact she glossed over several times--she lost 23 pounds by expending all those calories in physical activity. Ok give me a break. NOBODY has sex 8 times a week ALL THE TIME. That's pure bullshit manufactured to sell desperate suckers. Anyone who has been part of a couple for any length of time will tell you that the sex varies. Sometimes you'll be fucking like bunnies, and sometimes you won't. Of course, after seeing this piece it prompted yet another round of "if these people can get their crap published, why can't you?" in my trailer. Sigh.

I finally got so disgusted hearing the one young news reporter (and I use those words lightly) on our local tv station talk about "early morning communers" that I emailed the station to bitch about it. So sue me. Some things just grate on my nerves.

Monday, November 07, 2005

its your thang do what you wanna do

As per usual I played along with Jeopardy last night and kept score. I only ended up with $3200. Sigh. I was doing well until I got bogged down in space shit....and geography shit.............and political well as Shakespeare crap. Why didn't they just bring on the mythology category and totally screw me over?!

Our neightbors moved out yesterday, thus ending an era of them...well, living two trailers up from us. They were our oldest neighbors, but thank God there are still some old ones left. I don't want to be the oldest people in the neighborhood cuz then I'd have to start yelling at kids for riding their bikes through my yard or picking the apples off my tree or for being "hooligans" and pulling "shenanigans." I'm not ready to go there yet, thank you.

Yesterday I wore my "thin jeans" to work. Now my "thin jeans" aren't the jeans that make me look thin. They haven't been invented yet. And they aren't the jeans that I wear when I'm at my thinnest weight. That hasn't been achieved yet. My "thin jeans" are the jeans that are thin in the ass. Every time I wear them I have to flip them over and make sure there isn't a huge gaping hole where my butt cheeks should be. I keep thinking, "will today be the day when the flimy denim finally gives way?" They're the most comfortable jeans I own at this point.They're all fady, soft and broken in.....not unlike my couch.

I was watching some of the show "most shocking celeb mug shots" yesterday afternoon and they talked about Monica Jackson, from Fear Factor who was arrested for groping a cop. Apparently she got drunk off her ass with her friends, and when the cop came into the bar, she put her arm around him, then went right for the crotch. She said she was so drunk that she can't remember the incident, but her friends tell her he was "hot." Well DUH, gurl. Now that you've sobered up go back and check him out! Do the old "I'm soooo sorry" routine.
The funniest thing about her segment is this: she said that from this experience that cost her almost $300 in fines and a couple months probation, she's learned "to pace herself" when drinking. NOT to STOP drinking, but to PACE HERSELF.
Oh the stupidity of youth. Some people never outgrow it.
They also talked about Big Show, a wrestler who was arrested for exposing himself to a hotel clerk. The charges were dismissed because of "insufficient evidence." LOL!!
That would be quite the blow to the male ego.
They had a bunch of D List gay comedians commenting on these mug shots, and the femgays are all, "Oh, look at his hair! He needs a good conditioner." UGH.

I was reading an article in Parade Magazine Sunday about the diabetes epidemic. I can't help but wonder what role artificial sweeteners play in all of this. Doesn't it seem a tad strange that instead of thinner people, we have fatter people, despite the artificial sweeteners in so many products which CLAIM to help us get thin? I can't help but wonder if it doesn't affect the pancreas in a negative way. But of course, they won't tell US that until a zillion of us are forced to rely on diabetes medicine.

I wish the major cosmetics companies would get on the stick with this mineral makeup. I'm tired of paying $40 for a friggin' two ounces of foundation and one of finishing powder. It's ridiculous that mineral makeup costs this much, and I know that once Cover Girl and Max Factor come up with their own line, it will drive the prices down. I ordered Sheer Cover this month instead of Bare Minerals. Sheer Cover comes with a concealer and I wanted to give it a try to see if it gives me better coverage.. Cover Girl came out with a powder foundation, but it's not the same thing. It TOTALLY lays in the creases of your face, making you look much older. It does, however, give you great coverage, so it's sort of a tradeoff. I noticed, though, that the minute I went back to over the counter makeup, my face started breaking out.

Sunday, November 06, 2005

how bout no longer being masochistic

A big Happy Birthday to Mim!!!!

I was watching a Rosie O'Donnell interview on Bravo's "Inside the Actor's Studio". Anyway, James Lipton asked her if she had any advice for the students who would soon be graduating. She told them to do what they had to do, that it wouldn't bring them much money, but it would bring them satisfaction. Then she gave them the whole journey is the destination bullcrap, and I'm thinking, "yeah, you tell 'em, Rosie. There's no money in doing what you love. You have to--wait a minute, that bitch is loaded doing what she loves. Who the HELL is she kidding?!"

Well apparently FOX heard me bitching--even though I only put up
my post an hour before showtime--and we had ONE new COPS ep last night.
Yes, ONE whole episode and not much excitement.
Alas, no one I deemed hott cop-able, though.

Las Vegas Mayor Oscar Goodman thinks they should cut off a
person's thumbs in public if they get caught posting graffiti on freeways.
I don't even want to KNOW what he thinks they should whack off if a person gets caught urinating in public....

Saturday, November 05, 2005

ooo DREAMWEAVER i believe you can get me through the night

A judge in PA is going to spend two months trying to decide whether or not "Intelligent Design" should be taught in schools. I can't help but think his decision making process will consist of 59 days of him playing with a Slinky ending with a coin toss on the 60th day...

El Cheapo writes: "Hey, if you want a cotton candy machine, try WalMart (or Target). You can get small ones for like $35 (I've seen them on The Price is Right. You can even get mini sno-cone makers, hotdog makers, nacho warmers and ice cream makers)."
But, but, but I can't buy it for myself! SANTA has to buy it!

Ahh shit. COPS is yet another friggin' rerun. With all the criminals
fucking up out there, I can't believe they have such a hard time coming
up with new eps. The new season started late in September, then it was off
for almost all of October because of baseball. Well, the World Series
has been over for two Saturdays now--we deserve a new ep, damn it!!

I finally caught a couple of eps of "My Name is Earl" on NBC.
It was good. Not necessarily something I'd worry about missing, but funny
none the less.

Friday, November 04, 2005

this time i know it's for real

Ok, kids, what began in 1938 and had to be at least twenty five
cents was minimum wage, making that whole quarter response seem even funnier.

Well, I finally bit the bullet and put my letter to Santa in the mail. Seriously,
I don't think I could have kissed ass any more than I did. But believe me, I tried.
I honed my list down and only asked for four things: of course, the Chrissy doll,
duh, the Gateway laptop, a REAL
cotton candy machine--hey, my dentist will love me!--and
one of those Instant Bake Fun Centers, where you can make
delicious cookies and candy with NO OVEN!! Kewl. I have no idea how
one would make cookies and cake without an oven, but I shall find out.
Gawd, I hope they didn't eliminate the oven, leaving me to hold
the pan of cake mix over a light bulb for ten hours. If so, I'm
going to be majorly pissed. And my hand is going to be majorly tired.
I hope he brings me the cotton candy machine.
It's just like the one I had when we were little. Oooh, the sugary goodness of it all.
I tossed in a couple pie charts for Santa, explaining my naughty to nice ratios, as well with my just plain indifferent ratios, and I also tossed in a warm chocolate chip cookie. I'm guessing it will be stale and moldy by the time the old man gets my letter, but YOU NEVER KNOW! This could be my year!!! Maybe MY letter will wind up on the top of the pile for once.

OMG! Surely THIS is a sign of the end of the Rapture: Jay Moyes is quitting AVN!!!
I thought he'd NEVER leave until he took control of
Fishbein's job and tossed him out on his toukas.
Well, anywho, I wish Jay well in all of his endeavors.

Oh, man. Not. Good. Ben Rothlisberger had surgery on his knee
and will miss one, possibly two games. Here's four words I doubt
we'll be hearing at their next game: "starting quarterback, Tommy Maddox."

Thursday, November 03, 2005

nice talking to me

WOW. One of the guys on the COPS forum said I was
the funniest person on the forum. WOW.
And to think I can't get a measly million dollar book deal. Sigh.

Now that the Jarhead ads are running, how many gazillion
people are going to be walking around yelling "WHO RAH!"
I fear it will be the "BOO YEAH" of the decade. *shudder*

Bugzzz writes: "Bambi's mom was shot. The fire happened later in the movie when Bambi was an adult. We now return you to your regularly scheduled skimming session."
Damn. I thought she died in the fire. Course I also thought Bambi
was a female until I learned otherwise...LAST YEAR. Thanks!

I heart Christmas music. I've been listening to it for the last few days now.
And while I'm on the subject, I'm sad to say that Skitch Henderson passed away. Skitch's orchestra did my FAVORITE CHRISTMAS SONG OF ALL TIME: Sleigh Ride. I just love to hear the clip cloping that imitates the horse's hooves. I'm listening to it right now.
I'm getting ready to send my letter to Santa about the Chrissy doll and the laptop. I think I need to rewrite it. I don't think I sucked ass enough. I gotta get some tips from South. I BELIEVE THIS IS MY YEAR!!!!!!

On the local radio station asked this q during a concert ticket
giveaway: "It began in 1938 and it had to be at least .25 cents. What is it?"
One guy called in and said, "A quarter?" The dj said, "Buddy, that's
the dumbest answer I've ever heard."
Another guy said, "A BATH." Anybody have any ideas? I'll post
the answer later in the day or tomorrow.

Have ya seen the Windex ads where the bird rings the doorbell and
then flies away? Ok as hard as it is to believe that a bird can ring a doorbell, they then expect us to believe that he closes a sliding glass door with his beak.
Yeah, next they'll expect us to believe that Windex leaves a streak free shine...

I was watching CNN yesterday morning and they had a story about a sanctuary for chimps who were used in the space program and medical testing. It's located in Louisiana, and it's called Chimp Haven. There's a huge wooded acreage attached to this sanctuary, and it showed the CNN reporter and the woman who worked there chucking huge pieces of watermelon slices into the woods. The reporter said, "Why are we doing this again?" And the chimp lady said, "Because chimps in the wild spend a great deal of time hunting for their food." I thought, "Yeah and what is the likelihood of them coming across
freshly cut watermelon wedges in the wild?"
Anyway, I'm glad to see them doing something like this for these animals, who have endured so much. I hate the thoughts of them being used for medical testing. It's disgusting. And yes, I know they helped when several vaccines were invented, but it's still sad that they had to be subjected to this kind of inhumane treatment. What REALLY grosses me out is when animals are used to cosmetics testing.

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

this is our love, this is our life

Goddess' Hott Cop O'Da Court TV Marathon award goes to:
Officer Chris Green, of the Fresno Police Department,
Southwestern Policing District.
He's big and tall and....

I felt bad for blinding Zal with my white background,
so I'll soften it a tad with my leafy background.

Ok, so I got an email from one of the "guys" on the COPS forum,
tell me if you guys believe he's 28 years old:
" hi how r you i am corey 28 in nh hoe r you" When I asked him if he
was new to the forum, this was his response, "yes i live in nh and you tall me bt you."
I can't quite put my finger on it, but for some odd reason, I am JUST having a hard time believing those words came out of the mouth and mind of a 28 yr old. So I asked him how old he REALLY was and this was his response, "I AM 28 MAN IN NH AND YOU YOU GOT PIC HUN"
When I read some of the posts on COPS, I am absolutely shocked at how bad the spelling and grammar are. One kid wanted to know what "collage" the cops recommended.
I'm thinking something with pinks and greens and lots of purdy pictures.
Another one said he was a "biosexual."
I believe that's a person who has sex with plants.
I've seen words like " despret," "oficer siad," "Curfue," and "acdamey"
used on a regular basis.
If these are the leaders of tomorrow, I FEAR TOMORROW.

I was reading an article on Yahoo about restless leg syndrome. This is when your
legs feel like you need to constantly flex the muscles. Of course, they're going to make a line of prescription drugs to "help" this problem. There's no doubt in my mind whatsoever that one of the side effects of these new drugs will be "restless leg syndrome." They need to look at the side effects of drugs currently being prescribed first. I know SEVERAL elderly people who take water pills who experience this problem. Most of them also take coumaden--a blood thinner. I get this problem from time to time when I have too much soda. I find that taking a combination of potassium--which people lose when taking water pills and eating too many sweets, drinking too much soda--vitamin e and cal/mag helps to get rid of this creepy feeling within hours. I've also noticed that with elderly people doctors are not sufficiently worried about prescribing potassium, be it over the counter tabs or "prescription" postassium, so that people can restore all that they're losing from the water pills. And yes, a lot of high blood pressure meds act like water pills. Lendon Smith writes the best books for these sorts of things, telling you how you can get rid of these problems using vitamins and minerals. I've had "Feed Your Kids Right" and "Feed Your Body Right" for years, and I consult them ALL the time.

Great news. The cholesterol lowering drug Zocor can inhibit the lung damage that occurs with smoking. Oh, oops. Did we forget to mention that when you take cholesterol lowering drugs you have to be checked for liver damage every six weeks? Yeah, there's the pesky side effect.

It's no damn wonder Americans are so damn fat. There's a local restaurant here that offers a dinner consisting of a two pound hamburger and five pound of fries. If you eat it all, the meal is free, AND they toss in a side order of heart disease, free of charge.

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

all i need is a good defense cuz i'm feeling like a criminal

Goddess' Hott Cops O'De Week Award goes to: Offcrs. J Nelson and
Patrick Deas of the 8th District Task Force in New Orleans.
Can you say "hot and hotter"?

Speaking of the NOPD, there's going to be a very interesting show on Court TV tonight at 10 p.m. It's called NOPD: After Katrina. It follows the police trying to restore peace to New Orleans during the aftermath of the hurricane.

I finally cleaned out the trunk of my car today. I had tons of stuff in it and Mr. G informed me that he'd be getting my winter tires put on soon so I figured I better make room for the summer tires. Now the only thing I have in the trunk is my spare tire, my jack, my tire pump and my "winter emergency kit." I carry that with me at all time in case I break down in a snow storm and can't make it to safety (or warmth whatever the case may be). I have gloves, hat, scarf, empty candy bar wrappers from where my emergency candy bars used to be, a couple Playgirls, battery operated vibrator (in case I can't make it home for a few days), and a packet of dry hot chocolate with absolutely no way to turn it into liquid hot chocolate, should I be freezing.
Guess I'll just have to eat it dry. Scary thing is, it won't be the first time.

Ahh shit. I shouldn't really even tell this story.
It'll mean several less unique visits for me, but it's funny, so here goes. Last night I dreamt South was at our house visiting with me and my dad. After listening to him talk awhile, my dad pulled me aside and said, "That man has had his car around the block more than a few times." I said, "I know, Daddy, I'm not interested in him that way." He said, "Good. Keep it that way."

I read that Disney is pinning their hopes on the Chicken Little movie being a hit. Seems the Magic Kingdom ain't so magic after all. I'm no child movie expert, but Disney *might* want to lighten their movies up a tad. Let's review a few Disney movies, shall we? "Snow White"--witch, wicked stepmother, poison, hatred, "death". "Beauty and the Beast"--kidnapping, Beauty separated from her family, scary beast. "An American Tale"--mouse separated from family and goes through frightening experiences until reunited. "Bambi"--baby deer orphaned after mother dies in a scary fire. "Cinderella"--wicked stepmother, young girl forced to do demeaning chores and live in poverty. "Robin Hood"--stealing, fights using bows and arrows. "The Land Before Time"--a little orphaned dinosaur go through frightening experiences on the way to Great Valley. "101 Dalmations"--much spaying and neutering advice ignored, puppies stolen by cruel woman. "101 Dalmations II"--dog gets separated from family. (Good grief, how many times does the damn separation from famiy thing play out?!) "The Lion King"--one lion tries to murder the baby lion so he can become King. And on and on we go with the dark, scary subplots. NOW we have Chicken Little clucking about the sky falling. All the stuff sweet, sweet dreams are made of. For being the "happiest place on earth," Disney can be pretty damn dark if ya axe me.