Sunday, October 16, 2005

swallow me whole

I am trying once again to get this chocolate monkey off my back!!!!

Last night I spent much of the evening composing my letter to the
Stauffer Biscuit Company. Here's what I have:
"Dear President of Stauffer Biscuit Company, I purchased your product today and I was very distressed by what I found. When I opened my one pound bag of Animal Crackers (curse you, Shirley Temple!!), I discovered there were no giraffes OR seals. Not only that, but you totally overdid it on the horses. And what's up with the look of the crackers? They're all fat and puffy, and it's hard to tell one from the other. They don't have eyes or any discernable limbs or facial parts like OTHER brands of animal crackers. If this matter is not corrected immediately, I will no longer give you my $1 for your pound of inferior animal crackers. Good day to you!"

Ok, on to a subject that is near and dear to my heart--unfortunately a bit too near--FAT! Or fat acceptance, to be exact. You might not be familiar with a show called The Parkers (on the dubba b) featuring chubbette Mo'nique. Mo'nique is also the same chick who had the fat beauty contest "reality" show awhile back called "Fat Chance," where she wanted chubby women to know they were all beautiful, blah blah.
Over the weekend I watched a few eps of the Parkers. Mo'nique plays a fat chick, who is stuck on a good looking, well shaped black man. She chases him relentlessly and is often the "butt" of his disdain, when he hides from her so he can date the hot, skinny chicks. He is clearly ashamed to be linked with her in any way, but especially romantically. When he saw her wearing a Zebra stripped dress, he said: "Did you have to kill the whole herd?" Now, if Mo'nique is so into fat acceptance and fat women are beautiful and all that, why is she on a show that continues to perpetuate the myth that all fat chicks are desperate and so desperate for a man that they'd continuously throw themselves at men who obviously have no interest in them? Why is she not depicting the character of a strong black woman with a handsome black boyfriend who is proud to be seen with her?

I watched one of the DUMBEST movies Sunday afternoon. It was one of those movies that at it's conclusion, you turn to the person next to you and say, "What the HELL was that all about?!" It was so dumb I couldn't tear myself away. You'll agree because I'm going to tell you about it. It was called "Perfect Strangers." A chick meets in a guy in a bar. She's dead drunk and he's perfectly sober and she agrees to go to "his place" for the night. They wind up on his boat. She passes out and when she wakes up, she's in the middle of the ocean somewhere. He tells her he's taking her to "his place" and it turns out to be some remote island. He takes her clothes, while she bathes and has an entire outfit sitting out for her, including jewelry. He tells her that he's in love with her and she's like "You can't possibly be in love with me, you don't even know me." She thinks he wants to have sex with her so she starts getting frisky with him, but he's pissed because he wants her to tell him that she loves him, which, of course she can't do. He gets physically violent with her and when he goes outside to cool down, she locks him out. He tricks her into letting him back inside, and the next morning she awakens before he does and tries to open the lock with a knife. He comes up behind her and says "Good morning," and she turns and stabs him in the gut. The next thing you know, she's running for the abandoned boat babbling into the radio that she thinks she's been kidnapped. He comes after her, rips out the radio and lays on the boat bleeding profusely. THEN she HELPS HIM back to the house and proceeds to take care of him. He gets a bad infection and she gets him on the boat to take him to the mainland for help. He dies along the way. She almost drowns when the boat capsizes, but miracle of miracles they both wash up on the shore. Of course he's still dead. But she's alive. She drags him back to the house, slaps him in a chair and chastizes him for not eating. THEN she slaps him in the freezer and talks to him all the time. He comes to her at night and they have sex. I know what you're thinking but NO! I was NOT drinking when I watched this idiocy. (But it almost drove me to drink.) A friend from the bar comes to the island--turns out it was really his house--and she tells him they've married and the guy is out fishing. When this guy is burying the meat she threw out of the freezer to make room for her dead "kidnapper," she smacks him over the head with a shovel, ties him up and puts him in the garden shed. Awhile later she shoots through the door, hitting him. Several hours later, while she is asleep, he emerges perfectly fine, not a bullet hole on him, and finds his friend in the freezer. She tells him that she's pregnant to his friend--how does one get pregnant to a guy who has been dead for days?--and that he would want this guy to be the godfather of the baby, so they marry. Now maybe I'm the ODD person that everybody tells me I am but if someone smacked me over the head with a shovel and tried to shoot me, I think at some point in the evening I would feel honor bound to scream, "WHY THE FUCK DID YOU TRY TO KILL ME, YOU ASSHOLE?!" But not only does this idiot NOT ask, he marries her. I don't know who wrote that garbage but they need to be stripped of all writing privileges FOREVER.

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