Wednesday, October 12, 2005

spend all your time waiting for

Looooooong day yesterday.
The only good thing is that it's over.

Ok back to my usual bitchfest....

I'm beginning to think my family is so dysfunctional that we can't even get together for a funeral without having a problem. My sister and I got into an argument over the fact that she wanted me to do something at the Mass and I said no. She was walking around with a friggin' clipboard, like she was some sort of activities director on a cruise, telling everyone what she wanted them to do. My sister-in-law said, "I half expected her to tell me whether or not I was allowed to go to Communion.."
Hell, for once in our lives she & I actually agreed on something.
Female Offspring #1 was drafted to do one of the readings, but she's very good at getting up in front of people and did an excellent job. I, on the other hand, HATE getting up in front of people. My niece's husband was flabbergasted that I refused to do anything. He said, "Why? You're such a people person!" I said, "Yeah, I AM a people person. I can't stand 'em." The funny thing is he was serious.
I said, "Boy the next time you say that to me, your voice better be dripping with sarcasm."
But anyway, my sister was walking around trying to find something for EVERY FREAKIN ONE OF US to do. Do you have any idea how many people there are in my family? It's insane. So then when I refused--and I told her why, that I wasn't comfortable getting up in front of people--she's like,
'Well, I'm not comfortable either, but you do what you have to do."
I said, "Exactly. And I don't HAVE to do this. This is a Mass.
It's not a contractual obligation, for Pete freakin' sake."
She then spent the rest of the evening telling everyone that I "refused to participate", and each time she said that, she'd give me "The Stare." After about the fifth stare, I'm like, "Give it up, will ya?
You're not my mother and sisterly guilt means squat to me."
It wouldn't have worked from my mother either.
Finally Mr G said, "She told you "no" several times, LET HER ALONE." And she shut up.
I said to Mr. G later, "Can't one of us even DIE in peace?!"

And we won't talk about the moment that yours truly was accused of thievery at the funeral home! My uncle loved Snicker bars so we put one in the casket with him. (The HUGE size, btw.) Well, at some point in the evening, it went missing, and for some ODD reason, all eyes were on me! I'm like, "What in the world would make you think that I'd steal from the dead?! I mean other than the half eaten HUGE size Snicker bar in my hand....."
IF I did eat it, I did him a favor. That's less calories he'll have to walk off on the Other Side.


Oh ya gotta love Amtrak. Female Offspring #1 came in for the funeral on the train. You can check the train status from the computer via the Amtrak site. Well, she checked several times before she left for the station, and it kept showing that the train was only running 4 minutes behind schedule. She called once again right before she walked out the door and was again told 4 minutes. Not five minutes after they left I logged onto the computer and checked the train status......it was running 47 minutes behind schedule. Oy.

Wow. Archeologists have found what they believe to be the world's oldest Chinese noodles. They were found beneath a clay bowl in a community that was destroyed 4000 years ago. Right next to the bowl was a small silver packet with the words, "Boil three minutes then add Ramen noodle seasoning packet. Drain well."

Oprah gets my vote for saying one of the STUPIDEST THINGS I've heard on tv in a loooooong time. She had a segment on a poor rural community in Illinois, and she was interviewing a woman who had no running water in her home. She had to fetch water to use to flush the toilet, wash her clothes and bathe. She had tires on her roof holding the tarps in place to keep out the rain. They had very little and Oprah, in her oh so spiritually superior way turns to the woman and says, "So is this the life you envisioned for yourself?" WTF?!
Another amazingly stupid thing she said was in her promo, "We rip the lid off of America's dirty little secret. We have 35 million poor people living in America." Uh, exactly WHO is this news to? The many of us who live paycheck to paycheck? Or those who rely completely on the government? Oprah's next big shocking expose: "Catholic Priests May Be Molesting Young Boys!"

WTF??? An Arkansas woman gave birth to her 16th child and the story made it onto Yahoo?! Screw her! Nobody wrote a story about moi when my 16th offspring came kicking and screaming (ok I was doing all the kicking and screaming) into the world. BUT then again, none of my baby daddies was a former state representative!

After a little over a year my nightmare has finally returned. I honestly thought I was finished with it. Only now it's a bit different. Now Geo is in it. For years and years I was by myself. I had it early Wednesday morning. I dreamt the phone was ringing and I was trying to wake myself up to answer it. When I finally got out of bed, and reached for the lights, they didn't work. I panicked because after all these years, I know not having lights in my dreams means I'm going to have the nightmare. So I did what I always do, I run to another room to check the switch there. I ran into Geo's room and tried his light switch. It didn't work either. I yelled, "Honey, honey, we have no lights!" Then I could hear "It" whatever it is at the front door with putting a key into the lock and speaking in a monster type voice, garbled and loud, like they have in the movies. Always in my previous nightmares there was no talking whatsoever on the part of "It." I could see like a red light all around the door frame and I had no idea what "It" was saying. I was terrified and I screamed and woke myself up. I've been having this damn nightmare for 25 years now. Just when I think I've figured out the meaning, it changes in some subtle way.

I read an article on Yahoo--always my choice for news--that said " Eating fish at least once a week slows the toll aging takes on the brain, while obesity at midlife doubles the risk of dementia."
So it's like you save yourself from dementia so you can die of mercury poisioning, because when they're not running articles on how great fish is for you, they're running articles on how eating it can kill you.

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