Friday, September 30, 2005

it's not a secret anymore what you keep me around for

And once again, in honor of Hallowed Ween, I shall be writing all of this month's posts with a gnarled finger dipped in blood. But not MY gnarled finger, cuz that would just be gross. And apparently it will be wasted on Blogger, cuz I can't find any text colors other than black. Sigh.
*rummages through her collection of gnarled fingers looking for the right one*Nope, too arthritisy.
Nope, too hairy.
Nope. too stinky. God only knows where that one has been.
Hmm, PUUURRFECT!!
Let the pissing and moaning begin...

Stressed out mothers the world over mourned yesterday
when Leo Sternbach, the inventor of Valium died.
Said one Valium dependent mother (aka me): "I would never be the mom
I am today if it weren't for Leo Sternbach........................and Jack Daniels."

I finally found out that the name of the guy I love so much
from the Capital One ads is Nate Torrence.

Forget "gittin' 'er done." Larry the Cable Guy is coming to my little
corner of the world and tickets are FORTY ONE DOLLARS for the entire arena. That's insane.

Apparently Martha Stewart's new daytime show isn't faring so well in the ratings. And here's why: "In an effort to reconnect with viewers, Stewart has sought to soften her image in her new shows, appearing friendly and more humorous in contrast to her reputation as a stern taskmaster." And therein lies the rub, people . Martha Stewart is FAR from friendly and we all know it. Plus, the only thing worse than not being friendly is not being able to FAKE friendly, and Martha can NOT fake friendly. You can almost hear her teeth grinding with every insincere laugh. Like the other day when she chastized Mario Whatshisface from Sex and the City. You just knew she was going to comment on his yelling. I swear I expected her to say, "Inside voices only, Mario."

I saw some of David Spade's new show on Comedy Central, which
is a SAD rip off of The Daily Show. Hell they couldn't even make Harry Reems' commentary on porn funny. They even try (and fail BADLY)
to do the same sort of dead pan interviews The Daily Show is known for.

Saw a bit of Ashley Smith on Oprah. Guh. Lord I HATE it when people fall into 15 minutes of fame and try to turn it into a career. Ashley is the woman who was taken hostage by Brian Nichols, the man who opened fire in a Georgia courtroom. Ashley is doubly disgusting because she's trying to play the Jesus card. When Oprah asked her if she intended to visit Nichols in jail, because he requested that she do so, she started with that "If God puts it upon my heart to do so..." bullshit.
[Then she went on to say she had friends in jail that she never visited. ]
OH LORD I HATE IT when people talk that way,
which means when *I* go on Oprah, I'm totally talking that way.
Oprah just eats that Jesus/God/seatofthesoul/I'vefoundmyself shit up.
"I really only wanted one child, Oprah, but God told me to spread my legs, so I did. I mean, I never would have done it on my own, but God put it upon my--you know, "down there" --to do so,
and I thought "who am I to ignore God"? Or a hot guy willing to boink me for that matter?
BTW, Oprah, Jesus said to tell you He hates that Midge do you're sporting. And I wasn't going to say anything, but the Virgin Mary said that pink skirt you wear makes your butt look fat. Me-ow."
The interesting thing was when Ashley admitted she gave Nichols some of her drugs, after assuring her family that she was finished with drugs. Oh, and FYI, she didn't tell the cops about the drugs at all, what you'd call a "lie of omission." I'm not really sure what book I read it in---I think it was something called "The Bible"--but there was something in there about lying being a sin.
I know that we all sin, but it SUPER annoys me when these oh so righteously holy people ramble on and on about Jesus and God, all the while ignoring their own blatantly un-God like behaviors.

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