Saturday, October 29, 2005

it was only a kiss it was only a kiss

Time to spring forward and fall back, kids!!
Now for the next week we can
hear, "Even though the clock says 6 o'clock, it's really 7 o'clock."
Oh, happy day.

"Trick or treat! Smell my feet! And give me something good to eat!"
All the kids who knock on my trailer door at Halloween KNOW that they better be
wearing a damn good costume because at my trailer, you have to EARN your treat.
I'm not just passing out my precious Snicker bars to any old Chewbaca that comes into da 'court.
I want to see some originality.
I have a five Snicker rating system. All small kids instantly
get five Snickers because they don't have access to good props, and they haven't had time to hone their imaginations yet. After that, all bets are off.
The best costume obviously gets five, crappy costumes that show no originality get one lowly Snicker bar.
Amidst an endless sea of SpongeBob Square Pants and Elmo costumes,
some stood out only in their ability to suck.
Here's some of the worst I saw last night: one dude came dressed as a priest and
said he was Father Murphy. (Phew! For a minute there, I thought he was a child molester)
I'm like, 'Dude, NOBODY remembers Father Murphy.
Hell, I went to high school with the Virgin Mary and I don't even remember Father Murphy.
One candy bar for you, and I'm more than a bit tempted to bit it in half first."
Next up was a black kid who was wearing a suit and tie and carrying a microphone.
He claimed to be Al Roker.
I said, "I only hope you're better at guessing the weather than Al is.
Since Al is struggling with his weight and since you put no thought into
that get up, there's a 85% chance of rain tomorrow and
100% chance of you getting only one Snicker tonight. Now beat it."
He muttered something under his breath as he was walking away,
and I said, "Boy, did you call me a "lard ass'"? Cuz I'll have the offspring hoist
me right up out of this Hoveround and I'll whoop you upside your head!"
He said, "No, Ma'am. I called you a "hard ass."
"Ok, that's better. Now get the hell off my stoop before I back up over you."
Then came the little neighbor boy. For the last three years he has donned
a coonskin cap, carried a small hatchet and said he was Daniel Boone.
I said, "Look, Special Ed," (hey! I can't help it, it's what the kids CALL him!)
" I'm sick to DEATH of seeing you dressed as Daniel Boone!"
He said, "No, no, Mrs. G. This time I'm Davy Crockett."
I gave him four candy bars for making me laugh.
BUT I also told him that if I so much as see him wearing that coonskin cap
next year, I'm chewing up the Snicker bar and regurgitating it into his treat bag.
He smiled and said, "Great, Mrs. G! I can't wait!" obviously having no clue as to
what "regurgitate" means. Hey, there's a reason they call him "Special."
Next up was Lulu's 16 year old kid. He came carrying a bottle of booze in a paper
bag and said he was a wino.
I said, "Boy, I KNOW you're a wino, I want to know where your Halloween costume is?
Go home and try again.
And don't come back here dressed as a drug dealer either. I've seen that "costume," too!"
After him, was a boy holding a lightbulb over his head. When I asked him
what he was, he said, "Somebody who just had a good idea."
I said, "hey, let me borrow that lighbulb for a second." I held it over my head
and said, "Here's a great idea: you come back here next year with a lame costume
and I'm gonna fill your ass full of buckshot. BTW, your costume is SOOOO bad, you owe
ME candy. Now amscray!" And he did, but not before I reached in and grabbed a handful
of his candy, because with Goddess, the hand is DEFINITELY quicker than the eye.
Yet another black youngster came along with a fake gun in one hand and a microphone
in the other. When I asked him who he was, he said, "A rapper."
I said, "Which one?"
And he said, "Any one."
4 Snickers, because again, he made me laugh.
Lulu's 17 yr old daughter sashayed over dressed like a hooker. Not surprisingly it's
the same outfit I see her wearing to school all the time.
She had a really nerdy looking guy with her, and he was carrying her candy in one hand,
and a bag full of prescription pills in the other.
I said, "Let me guess: stripper?" She said, "No, porn star."
I said, "Damn!!! I can't believe I didn't recognize your suitcase pimp!"
(I gave him five Snickers for having to put up with all of her drama and I stole some of her pills.)
Last up in the "worst Halloween costume" parade was a kid dressed as Tattoo from Fantasy Island.
The kid wasn't even old enough to know who Tattoo WAS! Again one Snicker.
The great thing about my system is that at the end of the night,
I had like 85 Snicker bars left for moi.

I bought shiny red devil horns for Holly to wear last night during Trick or Treat
but they kept covering up her real devil horns...

I wonder if Mr. G would become suspicious if I bought yet ANOTHER cops calender?
Kat, are ya listening to this one?
Now the Motor Cops have THEIR own calender. DAMN. Their calendar has
pics of over ONE HUNDRED motor cops!! Mine only has 14!! So I wouldn't feel
left out, I ordered one of these too.

What makes me laugh about this whole Scooter Libby case--yes, besides his
grade schoolish nickname--is that the press TELLS us what sort of "defense"
(and I use that word lightly) his attorney is going to build. They're already telling us that he
plans to say that with all the stresses of his job, he forgot! Good grief. At least surprise us.

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