Monday, October 31, 2005

he did the monster mash it was a graveyard smash

Hmmm, last month when I DIDN'T update for South, I had more unique visits
than I did this month, when I DID update for South. Also, I hardly mentioned
COPS at all this month because it wasn't on much and I mentioned it a lot last month.
Soooooo while South CLAIMS the COPS references drive people away, it's actually the
numerous Mike South references and LACK of COPS references that drive people away.
I should have known.

Some of the funnier costumes I saw on Halloween night were: One kid dressed as Vanilla Ice. I gave the dude five candy bars just for having the balls to walk around the neighborhood looking like a doofus.
Same deal with the boy dresssed as Strawberry Shortcake. I sensed a great deal of therapy and playground beatings in his future so again I bestowed the five
candy bars honor upon him. He'll need the comfort food.
One guy painted himself blue and came as a Smurf. I think my favorite was the dude who came dressed in short shorts, a tank top and a 'fro wig. His legs and arms were greased up with baby oil. Guess who?
Richard Simmons! It was funny.
The last kid that came to the trailer was dressed as a cop. I said, "Oh look at you all dressed up in your uniform. I guess you want to be a cop when you grow up? I'm giving you five Snickers because I have a thing for hott cops and because that costume looks very realistic, right down to the gun and taser on your---oh crap. You're a real cop, aren't you?"
Apparently the unimaginative little brat with the lightbulb over his head had the "good idea" to rat me out. He told the cop I threatened to load his ass full of buckshot.
I said, "Look, Officer, I was just joking. Ask Father Murphy here. He'll vouch for me."
The Cop looked him up and down, then turned to me and said, "Who the hell is Father Murphy?"
I'm like, "See?! I told you nobody remembers Father Murphy!
Now tell him what a nice person I am."
Well apparently Father Murphy had a bug up his ass over that whole one Snicker rating that he garnered and he refused to tell the cop I was just joking.
I turned to Father Murphy and said, "That's it, Padre. The minute you take that collar off, you and I are gonna mix it up in the dust."
The cop brought "Operation 'Is My Halloween Costume Hot or Not' '05" to a screeching halt. Oh, and he even tried to confiscate the remaining Snicker bars "as evidence,"
but when he saw how tightly I was holding onto the bags.... and the white
foam coming out of my mouth, he backed right off.

Bugzz was telling me about the Buglet's costume choice this year and I said he
was lucky he didn't have to wear hand me down costumes. I wore a stupid plastic clown
costume for three years running. It wasn't even a FAMOUS clown, just a damn generic clown.
The fourth year the plastic costume part of it didn't fit me properly and my mother wanted me to wear
the "false face," as she calls them, with some "bright clothing."
I'm like, "Mom, the mask doesn't even fit anymore!"
She said, "I have some elastic, I think we can make that bigger."
And that, my friends, is what life with my mother is like all the time.

On COPS, a woman reported her boyfriend for abusing her and the
cops arrived at the scene and hauled the dude outside, sandwich and all.
The cop asked if they had been
fighting and the man said "yes." The cop said, "What were you fighting about?"
The guy said, "Don't know!"
And from the mystified expression, I'd say he was telling the truth.

While I'm on the subject of cops, Alex sent me a link to a story about two cops in Philly who received blowjobs while on the job. Apparently the not too bright dudes drove to women to Fort Mifflin, hear the Philly airport and was observed on a surveillance tape. They let the chicks out of the back seat of the squad car, removed their police belts and guns and were "blown away" orally. The security guard at Ft. Mifflin approached them and told them that they had been taped and they fled at a high rate of speed. AGAIN breaking the law. Great fantasy though, but mine takes place in the WOODS. Away from surveillance cameras.

The more I use the Hitachi Wand, the more I'm convinced it is the Cadillac of vibrators. It would be THEE BEST on the PLANET if it weren't for the bulky size and huge head. But speed wise, IT RULES!!

Once again Mr G and I had "the discussion" about his pants. He has a pile he
wants to get fixed. Again. I'm like, 'Get RID OF THEM." He has bags of pants that he hasn't worn and he keeps wearing the same pairs over and over until they've been patched 90 times.
He said, "I'll get rid of them soon." And then he gives me his classic line, "I can wear them around."
I said, "No, you won't EVER get rid of them.
There could be a huge gaping hole in front of your pants where your fly is,
and you STILL would wear them around."

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