Wednesday, October 19, 2005

but now you're like the rest, unworthy of my best

Damn. The offspring want me to go trick or treating with them again this year.
I wanted to sit this year out and stay home to pass out treats (code for "eat the treats")
to all the little ghosts and goblins in the trailercourt. But I reluctantly agreed to go. Gotta do everything I can to get that Mother of the Year award.
I'll be going as a crack whore, so there won't be much work to do on my "costume."
Last year I went as a born again Christian. I managed
to annoy everyone by screaming "Jesus is coming! Be saved!" when I rang their doorbell.
I handed out mini Bibles and "Holy Water".
[Ok it came straight from the tap, but I gave it a quickie "In the name of the Father
and of the Son..." blessing. I can't remember whether blessing
came before or after Stupid Cat stuck her paw in it and tried to drink it...]
Course I think I also missed out on a lot of treats because some people were afraid to open their door. I think a lot of them were afraid I reallly WAS Jesus and they were busy hiding their porn stash.

Once again I have purchased my Powerball tickets, and once again, I am poised on the edge of screaming "SCREW YOU!!" when I become a winner. Of course, remembering last week's loss, I restrain myself lest I become a weiner. Again.

From Luke's site:
Cheyenne, Mike South and company are sitting by the pool.
Heather Pink, 27, calls down: "Hi Mike."
Mike, 47: "Who are you?"
Heather: "You f----- me two years ago."
Mike was her first scene. He didn't remember until he went back to his room
and looked her up on his website.
LOL!!! Don't tell me dude isn't getting old.
Would that not be a horrible blow to the female ego, though?
To speak to a guy you fucked and he doesn't even remember you....ugh.

Tonight: New South Park!!
Hope it's better than much of last season.

It was difficult, but it had to be done. I had to sit the offspring down and have "the talk."
I told them that things would be different this Christmas because of rising gas and food prices. I said, "Sure I can spend my money on your Christmas gifts OR I can spend it on my cigarettes and booze." Yes, it was tough, but they've learned by now that if Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy.

I was thinking about this whole New Age stuff today. Much of it says that we chose the life we have now before we were even born, and specifically to live in this time period, as it is a time of accelerated spiritual growth. Now if this is indeed the time of the anti-Christ and all the horrors that go with him--and it damn well  
feels like it--I don't think I should be held to some decision I made when I was a stupid little fetus with no life experience or discernable facial features. Hell, I can't even make up my mind now and I've been here 40+ years. I hardly think I knew what I was talking about way back when. In other words, I WANT OUT, damn it!

This little rant is for the parents of school age kids.
Once again, the fund raising & pimping season is upon us.
If you're going to send your child door to door, do him a favor and teach him a few
IMPORTANT words/phrases. Things like "Hello," "Goodbye," Thank You" and
"Would you like to buy*insert the name of the crap they're pimping here*?"
I do not expect to find seven year old Zig Ziglars on my doorstep, but I expect a tad more than having a pamphlet thrust into my hands by a child who doesn't even have the manners to say, "Hello."
I also love it when I ask them when I can expect the cheap merchandise/even cheaper candy to arrive and they give me "the shrug". Yes, nothing says, "I could give a flying fuck" like "the shrug."
The schools/organizations ALWAYS tell you when the stuff will arrive at the school for pick up,
so tell your child or at least write it on their paper.
I don't keep cash in the house and I need to know ahead of time.
Another clever idea would be to put the child's name and phone number on his paper. Last week I ordered some chocolate popcorn and I have no idea who I ordered it from. I never saw the child before and his parent was parked up the street waiting for him. Unfortunately, I couldn't get much of a coherent answer out of him, but I did get "the shrug" a few times.

The last time she came home, Female Offspring #1 brought along a roll
of toilet paper that she "found" at the university. One one hand, a roll of that
stuff lasts forever. On the other, it's like wiping your dupa with a sheet of notebook paper.

Supposedly there's a "new fad" in which kids are wearing pajamas to school.
Pfffft. Puhleeze. My offspring have been wearing their p.j.'s to school for years.
They call it a "fad," we call it a "time saver."
They roll out of bed and right into their shoes. And NO, my offspring are not wearing
underwear from the day before. They don't wear underwear.
Yet another "time saver." Really cuts down on laundry, too.

Claire writes: "Goddess, do you know how can I satisfy my man's penis?"
Ok, I give up, Claire. How?
I can honestly say I've never heard the question worded quite that way before...

I logged onto Trillian to tell
Female Offspring #1 something yesterday afternoon and after I did,
she said, "You're never on IM anymore!"
Me: "What difference does it make? You never talk to me anyway."
FO #1: "How can I? You're never on anymore."
Me: "You don't talk to me when I am on.."
Me: Sigh. "It's like Grandma used to say, ya don't miss
the water till the well runs dry."
FO #1: "Huh?"

In response to my comment about Mim's friend dropping in for sex, Zal writes in his LJ, " It looks to me like imagoddessru is hinting at me to "just drop by".
Either that, or she's been watching pizza deliveryboy porn again..."
Sure you can "drop by," Zal. But I think it might be a bit of a walk for you.
Hmm, and suddenly I'm incredibly hungry for pizza.
And a diet cock. Oooops, I mean Coke.

I watched the premiere of the Colbert Report on Monday night.
I could NOT figure out why they keep calling it the "Colbert Report"
pronouncing "report" like "rapport," with a silent "t".
Then it dawned on me they're poking fun at the fact that the "t" in Colbert is silent. He was very funny, but DAMN, he was relentless when interviewing Stone Phillips. Stephen is excellent at the lightening fast comebacks.
I'm looking forward to watching his show nightly after The Daily Show, but I'm also
interested to see if he can maintain things as they stand, without
repeating the format of The Daily Show. It's going to be difficult.

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