Monday, October 31, 2005

he did the monster mash it was a graveyard smash

Hmmm, last month when I DIDN'T update for South, I had more unique visits
than I did this month, when I DID update for South. Also, I hardly mentioned
COPS at all this month because it wasn't on much and I mentioned it a lot last month.
Soooooo while South CLAIMS the COPS references drive people away, it's actually the
numerous Mike South references and LACK of COPS references that drive people away.
I should have known.

Some of the funnier costumes I saw on Halloween night were: One kid dressed as Vanilla Ice. I gave the dude five candy bars just for having the balls to walk around the neighborhood looking like a doofus.
Same deal with the boy dresssed as Strawberry Shortcake. I sensed a great deal of therapy and playground beatings in his future so again I bestowed the five
candy bars honor upon him. He'll need the comfort food.
One guy painted himself blue and came as a Smurf. I think my favorite was the dude who came dressed in short shorts, a tank top and a 'fro wig. His legs and arms were greased up with baby oil. Guess who?
Richard Simmons! It was funny.
The last kid that came to the trailer was dressed as a cop. I said, "Oh look at you all dressed up in your uniform. I guess you want to be a cop when you grow up? I'm giving you five Snickers because I have a thing for hott cops and because that costume looks very realistic, right down to the gun and taser on your---oh crap. You're a real cop, aren't you?"
Apparently the unimaginative little brat with the lightbulb over his head had the "good idea" to rat me out. He told the cop I threatened to load his ass full of buckshot.
I said, "Look, Officer, I was just joking. Ask Father Murphy here. He'll vouch for me."
The Cop looked him up and down, then turned to me and said, "Who the hell is Father Murphy?"
I'm like, "See?! I told you nobody remembers Father Murphy!
Now tell him what a nice person I am."
Well apparently Father Murphy had a bug up his ass over that whole one Snicker rating that he garnered and he refused to tell the cop I was just joking.
I turned to Father Murphy and said, "That's it, Padre. The minute you take that collar off, you and I are gonna mix it up in the dust."
The cop brought "Operation 'Is My Halloween Costume Hot or Not' '05" to a screeching halt. Oh, and he even tried to confiscate the remaining Snicker bars "as evidence,"
but when he saw how tightly I was holding onto the bags.... and the white
foam coming out of my mouth, he backed right off.

Bugzz was telling me about the Buglet's costume choice this year and I said he
was lucky he didn't have to wear hand me down costumes. I wore a stupid plastic clown
costume for three years running. It wasn't even a FAMOUS clown, just a damn generic clown.
The fourth year the plastic costume part of it didn't fit me properly and my mother wanted me to wear
the "false face," as she calls them, with some "bright clothing."
I'm like, "Mom, the mask doesn't even fit anymore!"
She said, "I have some elastic, I think we can make that bigger."
And that, my friends, is what life with my mother is like all the time.

On COPS, a woman reported her boyfriend for abusing her and the
cops arrived at the scene and hauled the dude outside, sandwich and all.
The cop asked if they had been
fighting and the man said "yes." The cop said, "What were you fighting about?"
The guy said, "Don't know!"
And from the mystified expression, I'd say he was telling the truth.

While I'm on the subject of cops, Alex sent me a link to a story about two cops in Philly who received blowjobs while on the job. Apparently the not too bright dudes drove to women to Fort Mifflin, hear the Philly airport and was observed on a surveillance tape. They let the chicks out of the back seat of the squad car, removed their police belts and guns and were "blown away" orally. The security guard at Ft. Mifflin approached them and told them that they had been taped and they fled at a high rate of speed. AGAIN breaking the law. Great fantasy though, but mine takes place in the WOODS. Away from surveillance cameras.

The more I use the Hitachi Wand, the more I'm convinced it is the Cadillac of vibrators. It would be THEE BEST on the PLANET if it weren't for the bulky size and huge head. But speed wise, IT RULES!!

Once again Mr G and I had "the discussion" about his pants. He has a pile he
wants to get fixed. Again. I'm like, 'Get RID OF THEM." He has bags of pants that he hasn't worn and he keeps wearing the same pairs over and over until they've been patched 90 times.
He said, "I'll get rid of them soon." And then he gives me his classic line, "I can wear them around."
I said, "No, you won't EVER get rid of them.
There could be a huge gaping hole in front of your pants where your fly is,
and you STILL would wear them around."

Saturday, October 29, 2005

it was only a kiss it was only a kiss

Time to spring forward and fall back, kids!!
Now for the next week we can
hear, "Even though the clock says 6 o'clock, it's really 7 o'clock."
Oh, happy day.

"Trick or treat! Smell my feet! And give me something good to eat!"
All the kids who knock on my trailer door at Halloween KNOW that they better be
wearing a damn good costume because at my trailer, you have to EARN your treat.
I'm not just passing out my precious Snicker bars to any old Chewbaca that comes into da 'court.
I want to see some originality.
I have a five Snicker rating system. All small kids instantly
get five Snickers because they don't have access to good props, and they haven't had time to hone their imaginations yet. After that, all bets are off.
The best costume obviously gets five, crappy costumes that show no originality get one lowly Snicker bar.
Amidst an endless sea of SpongeBob Square Pants and Elmo costumes,
some stood out only in their ability to suck.
Here's some of the worst I saw last night: one dude came dressed as a priest and
said he was Father Murphy. (Phew! For a minute there, I thought he was a child molester)
I'm like, 'Dude, NOBODY remembers Father Murphy.
Hell, I went to high school with the Virgin Mary and I don't even remember Father Murphy.
One candy bar for you, and I'm more than a bit tempted to bit it in half first."
Next up was a black kid who was wearing a suit and tie and carrying a microphone.
He claimed to be Al Roker.
I said, "I only hope you're better at guessing the weather than Al is.
Since Al is struggling with his weight and since you put no thought into
that get up, there's a 85% chance of rain tomorrow and
100% chance of you getting only one Snicker tonight. Now beat it."
He muttered something under his breath as he was walking away,
and I said, "Boy, did you call me a "lard ass'"? Cuz I'll have the offspring hoist
me right up out of this Hoveround and I'll whoop you upside your head!"
He said, "No, Ma'am. I called you a "hard ass."
"Ok, that's better. Now get the hell off my stoop before I back up over you."
Then came the little neighbor boy. For the last three years he has donned
a coonskin cap, carried a small hatchet and said he was Daniel Boone.
I said, "Look, Special Ed," (hey! I can't help it, it's what the kids CALL him!)
" I'm sick to DEATH of seeing you dressed as Daniel Boone!"
He said, "No, no, Mrs. G. This time I'm Davy Crockett."
I gave him four candy bars for making me laugh.
BUT I also told him that if I so much as see him wearing that coonskin cap
next year, I'm chewing up the Snicker bar and regurgitating it into his treat bag.
He smiled and said, "Great, Mrs. G! I can't wait!" obviously having no clue as to
what "regurgitate" means. Hey, there's a reason they call him "Special."
Next up was Lulu's 16 year old kid. He came carrying a bottle of booze in a paper
bag and said he was a wino.
I said, "Boy, I KNOW you're a wino, I want to know where your Halloween costume is?
Go home and try again.
And don't come back here dressed as a drug dealer either. I've seen that "costume," too!"
After him, was a boy holding a lightbulb over his head. When I asked him
what he was, he said, "Somebody who just had a good idea."
I said, "hey, let me borrow that lighbulb for a second." I held it over my head
and said, "Here's a great idea: you come back here next year with a lame costume
and I'm gonna fill your ass full of buckshot. BTW, your costume is SOOOO bad, you owe
ME candy. Now amscray!" And he did, but not before I reached in and grabbed a handful
of his candy, because with Goddess, the hand is DEFINITELY quicker than the eye.
Yet another black youngster came along with a fake gun in one hand and a microphone
in the other. When I asked him who he was, he said, "A rapper."
I said, "Which one?"
And he said, "Any one."
4 Snickers, because again, he made me laugh.
Lulu's 17 yr old daughter sashayed over dressed like a hooker. Not surprisingly it's
the same outfit I see her wearing to school all the time.
She had a really nerdy looking guy with her, and he was carrying her candy in one hand,
and a bag full of prescription pills in the other.
I said, "Let me guess: stripper?" She said, "No, porn star."
I said, "Damn!!! I can't believe I didn't recognize your suitcase pimp!"
(I gave him five Snickers for having to put up with all of her drama and I stole some of her pills.)
Last up in the "worst Halloween costume" parade was a kid dressed as Tattoo from Fantasy Island.
The kid wasn't even old enough to know who Tattoo WAS! Again one Snicker.
The great thing about my system is that at the end of the night,
I had like 85 Snicker bars left for moi.

I bought shiny red devil horns for Holly to wear last night during Trick or Treat
but they kept covering up her real devil horns...

I wonder if Mr. G would become suspicious if I bought yet ANOTHER cops calender?
Kat, are ya listening to this one?
Now the Motor Cops have THEIR own calender. DAMN. Their calendar has
pics of over ONE HUNDRED motor cops!! Mine only has 14!! So I wouldn't feel
left out, I ordered one of these too.

What makes me laugh about this whole Scooter Libby case--yes, besides his
grade schoolish nickname--is that the press TELLS us what sort of "defense"
(and I use that word lightly) his attorney is going to build. They're already telling us that he
plans to say that with all the stresses of his job, he forgot! Good grief. At least surprise us.

Friday, October 28, 2005

baby you can drive my car yes I'm gonna be a star

Ok, ok. I feel I owe the staff at AVN an apology.
I'm sure they provide
a worthwhile service with their awards, other than making Fishbein rich.
(I just haven't figured out what it is yet.)
As sure as I am that the idea of picking winners every quarter so they don't have
to do it all at the end of the year is an insane one, I'm sure that going through tons
of videos trying to pick winners is a difficult task.
I'm also sure the cost of workman's comp is crazy high right now, with Fish paying out
for all the thumb blister incidences, which are probably through the roof this time of year.
As any of us who have
"watched" porn know, holding down that FF button can be
physically painful, as well as mentally tiresome.
And I won't even get INTO talk of the callouses one might build up pushing the "play" button.
So, kudos AVN! The lazy ass manual laborers of
the world salute you for the hard job you do!

Keith writes, "g, you're quite prolific as of late."
Hey, that's CAPITAL "G" to you, buddy!!
This, my friend, is the result of constantly
exercising the writing muscle.
It is also the result of cleansing your body of all toxins for seven days, then
washing down an entire bag of Snickers
with three bottles of caffeinated diet Pepsi.
Gone are the days when I would tempt
my Muse from his slumber with drugs, cigarettes and alcohol.
(I can't AFFERD it!)
Now I use good old fashioned sugar and caffiene to roust him from his lair.
Oh, and I'm ovulating, too. I'm always gabby-- I mean "prolific"--when my eggs are in flux.
BTW, how's your super hot married neighbor? Besides being unavailable I mean.

zalriva1 has once again has accused me of not being able to keep a secret.
I have NEVER blabbed anything on my journal that I haven't been
given permission to blab.
HA again(!)......because well, I'm mad and I can't think of
anything else to put there.

My boss told me on Thursday that she had given me a raise. She didn't say
how much, but I thought, "Oh happy day.
Anything is better than that friggin' NICKEL an hour she gave me last time."
Yeah, anything except yet another friggin' nickel an hour.

Ahhh yes, I'm one of a kind. Type into Google and then
hit "find web pages that are similiar to the world of goddess" and then answer is:
"your search did not match any documents." YAY ME!!

Oprah has a new book out and the blurb beside it in the bookclub newsletter of
which I am not a member reads, "Oprah will donate 100% of Harpo's
profits (no indication of what % Harpo's profits might be) Oprah's Angel Network, a charitable foundation
dedicated to helping educate and advance women and children around the world."
Two things immediately come to mind:
ONLY Oprah would be so bold as to make a huge deal out of giving money to her own charity
that she is in charge of, and I guess Oprah doesn't
much care about the advancement of MEN around the world.
The funny thing is that this book is just a collection of recycled articles from her own
friggin' magazine.
[Why do I get the feeling the title of her autobiography will be "Oprah on Oprah As Told To Oprah"?]
I guess it pisses the Queen that hard as she try the mag just hasn't taken
off like she wanted it to. Hence the incessant pimping of it on her show.

Louis Libby should have been indicted long ago for
still having the childish nickname "Scooter" at 55 years of age.
I can't believe his longtime pal
Dick Cheney aka "The Beav" didn't say something to him.

Now that Louis Libby has been indicted....
I love this possible excuse for Louis Libby lying on the stand that was
given on CBS: It was NOT perjury, he "just forgot" where he got his information.
Unless he has Alzeheimer's I wouldn't pin all my hopes on that one flying.

Again something that comes as no surprise to me. Zal had a
pimp name generator on his LJ. You put your name in it
and it gives you your pimp name. I tried a few people I know
to see what their pimp names were, as per usual.
I typed in "Mike South" and up came his pimp name....Mike South.

last night the wife said, oh boy when you're dead, don't take nothing with you but your soul

It's that time of year again, kids. That time of year when the leaves change colors, the air gets nippy and AVN pretends that coming up with nominations for their awards is almost as difficult and time consuming as drafting the Iraqi constitution. They have a picture of a huge pile of vids on their blog, along with the comment, "And that's just the mountain of discs we went through today." Give up the melodrama, people. You're not going off to war. You're not finding a cure for cancer. You're sitting on your asses watching sex videos all day.If that's too taxing for ya, I believe the Dairy Queen is hiring.

Zal writes: "Mother Theresa? What a bitch she was..."
Tempt the fates, Zal. I'm tellin' ya. Nobody will even notice.

Forbes listed Elvis as the #1 money maker, who is also deceased. Second on the list was Chaz Schultz and third was Whitney Houston. Oops. My bad. She's not dead. It's just her career that's long since D.O.A.

Oh UCK. A woman in Frederica, Delaware hung herself, but passerbys mistook
her for a Halloween decoration. Her body was suspended 15 feet off the ground and in clear view of passing traffic, but people thought it was a Halloween prank.

Oh puhleeze. George Takei, also known as Sulu from Star Trek has come out as homosexual.
And the entire world yawned.....
The dude is like 68 years old. Who gives a fuck? Besides, I don't want to think about some old dude having butt sex. On the subject of his gayosity, Sulu says, ""The world has changed from when I was a young teen feeling ashamed for being gay...." Then why the HELL did ya wait 68 years to tell everyone?? I can only reiterate what I said earlier...who gives a fuck?

Yet another idiotic "study." And this one took eight years to complete. Must have been idiots conducting the study, too. Anywho, they've decided that good looking men have a better chance in winning an election over average looking men. Earth shattering, isn't it?

Thursday, October 27, 2005

the more you ignore me the closer i get

Well. Well. Well. Last night I tell Harriet Miers that she's not fit to sit on the Supreme Court
because of her gawd awful eyeliner, and today she hands in her resignation.
I think not.
Obviously Harriet is a HUGE Goddess fan.
So she's the .gov hit I'm always seeing.
All this time, I thought it was Rove who read my journal daily.

Speaking of Rove, I must be honest about something here. I was a tad
surprised when I saw Valerie Plame Wilson's pic. I mean, she's very
attractive, but not my idea of a CIA agent. When I think "CIA
operative", I instantly get a mental picture of Jenna Jameson in black shiny leather.

Dell's Davis Davis ads fall completely flat mostly due to the fact that:
a. They're not the slightest bit funny.
b. It only annoys when one uses a laugh track on a commercial that isn't funny.

Ok, I saw this show yesterday--I kid you not--called Donut Man. Donut Man is a little donut UNTIL someone needs his help. In the episode I watched, a child fell into the pool and Donut Man swelled up and became a life preserver, saving the child. The adult dude in the group--who, I might add stood on the sidelines while Donut Man jumped into the pool and dragged the kid to safety--called Donut Man a hero. Then he said," We all know one hero very well."
And I'm thinking, "Aqua Man???"
(Not to be confused with Aqua Velva Man, who is only concerned
with Truth, Justice and a Smooth Shave..)

"It's gotta be Aqua Man".  
The adult dude who was willing to stand idly by while some kid drown
then said, "And He died for our sins."
I'm like, "Uh oh. I know where this is going, and it isn't Aqua Man."
Next thing ya know the kids all burst into song about Jesus.
Jesus and fried dough. Whoda thunk of that combo?
I can't help but wonder how long this show will be (has been) on the air?
I mean, let's think about it. Other than when your blood sugar dips low,
how many situations are there in life where you can be saved by a donut?

Janet Jackson has addressed the comments by her former brother in law that
she has a secret daughter. Janet says she does not have a daughter, never had a
daughter and there is no truth to the rumor. So one can only assume,
she does indeed have a daughter.

Oh crap. Guess who the latest "celeb" is to have their own "reality" show? Tanya Tucker. Oh yeah, they'll be tuning in in DROVES to hear about her life. Most of the bits and pieces I saw of the promo featured Tanya yelling and screaming at her kids,
and Tanya shopping at WalMart.
Whoopee. Welcome to my world, Tanya.

If you want to find out if there are any sexual predators living in your neighborhood,
go to this website and check it out.

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

oh the weather outside is frightful

Christmas is less than two months away, people.
Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Goddess' Hott Sergeant of the Week Award goes to: Sgt. Joe Shelley
of the Tucson, Arizone Poleece Department. He's hotttttt.

I've heard a lot of talk about Harriet Miers' nomination to the Supreme Court. People
are pissed because they feel she isn't experienced or she's too evasive about her stand on various issues, such as abortion. Not ONE person is touching on the REAL problem here: that damnable black eyeliner she wears. NOT ONLY does she wear it on the top lid, but on the bottom lid, too! What woman her age does that? Oh, I could see if she was a stripper or starring in Cum Sucking Grannies, but neither is the case, so enough is enough. She's not fit to sit on the Supreme Court because if she can't even clearly see the bad makeup on her own face, how is she going to clearly see each situation that comes before the court? It sends terrible
chills up my spine just think--oops, I forgot to shut the window. Never mind about the chills, but the eyeliners still gotta go.

Kudos to The Daily Show for their excellent depiction of the
stupidity of news reporters during hurricanes.

I guess people aren't getting Stephen Colbert's sense of humor.
A zillion people are googling "Greg Behrendt pissed at Stephen Colbert" after Greg's
appearance last night. (Yes, Greg of the stupid hair.)
The interview sucked, Stephen pretty much carried that because you could tell Greg was
nervous, but the phony call in session was a hoot, and I guess people think Greg was pissed because he was "acting" pissed. My favorite was the chick who "called in"
and said, "My bf told me he's gay and he even moved in with a gay guy, but I don't think he's right."
Greg gave the serious spiel "he's not into you, get out," and Stephen told her to "hang in there"
because if you "stay with him, you can make him not gay." I love that.

Wednesday on South Park, the guys faked Butterzzz death and he "came back"
as a female named Marge-areen.

I love Kia's Amanti commercial. It ends with the line, "Discover what Kia owners already know." What pray tell would that be? That Koreans don't put much value on good brakes? That the cars are cheap to buy but super expensive to fix? And that they need a lot of fixing?

Bugzzzzz writes: I couldn't have said it better myself. I had to turn Oprah off.
I cannot stand it. There is a woman here whose husband was injured overseas, and
died after he reached the States. She had a little girl, and was pregnant with a little boy.
Now, she's been given a brand new house, an SUV, and both of her children have been given
scholarships to the local private school. The mom has also been given a full four year
scholarship to the local university. When my husband died, I got $250 from Social Security
and a "good luck" pat on the back. Am I jealous? Maybe a little. Bitter as hell? You betcha.
I support this woman's husband, and I respect that he died during a war. But when does it end?
Dr. Phil had folks on a few weeks ago that lost thier home in the hurricane. They got relocated to another city, complete with a house, cars etc. Why did they get chosen over all the other thousands of people?
Sorry....rant off.
Tell the truth. You probably didn't even get that pat on the back, did ya?
Bugs was worried someone might go off on her because of her views, but I told
her not to worry. My skimmers shun controversy every bit as much as they shun writing emails.
Hell, I could write "Mother Theresa was a closet lesbian" and nobody would
even notice. Now if I said she was a Democrat, South might object, but other than that, nada.

I went to work on Tuesday morning and it was snowing heavily. The one co-worker that I can't STAND was sitting at the table idly leafing through a magazine. Now it's HER job to clean the steps for the people who come in on the next shift, as it is MY job to do it for the people who come in after me. She hadn't touched the sidewalks. On her way out, she comes back in and says, "Oh, btw, you're going to have to do something to that sidewalk before the boss gets here. It's slushy and icy."
I thought "you stupid lazy mother fucking pain in the ass do your fucking job
already!!" I'm thisfuckingclose to telling her the hell off and the only thing that stops me is that I have to see her mug four times a week.

i'm outta love set me free and let me out of this misery

Well it SNOWED here yesterday. Hell, we haven't even had a chance to rake up the
leaves yet. (Not that I ever do. I'm just thinking of my neighbors.)
Maybe because most of them are still on the trees! Thank GOD I had
the foresight to hold the First Annual Fat N'Lazy Drag Races the day before!!
It was that really heavy wet snow.

It Snowed Pt. Deux. The local Halloween parade has been cancelled. Gee, too bad. There's nothing I like more than dressing all the offspring up and taking them to the parade. Gawd, I heart standing for three hours until I can no longer feel my toes watching 500 Girl Scout and Boy Scout troops go by. Oh and I'll so miss the local high school band playing their rendition of "Smoke on the Water."

I am so glad October is soon drawing to a close--despite the fact that I can use all my way cool
Halloween clipart all month. It is so difficult coming up with enough blood to write my posts every day.
The offspring are starting to get weak.

I finally made Mr. G promise that if anything happened to me during the night,
and he needed to call 911 that he'd put clothes on me FIRST. And even though he agreed, I soooooo don't trust him. If anything DOES happen, I only hope I'm semi-conscious so i can tell him which clothes to get.
"No, not THAT bra! The purple lacy ones that make my tits look hot."

Monday, October 24, 2005

welcome to the jungle it gets worse here every day

Goddess' Hott Cop O'The Week Award goes to: Officer Kenneth Pierce
of Fort Worth, Texas. I loved this ep with Officer Pierce. He stopped a woman and when
he asked her age, she replied, "27." And this is where I commend Officer Pierce. He didn't even
laugh outloud when she said it. He just looked at her and said, "Are you sure?" I commend him.
I love that. (Again, the sarcastic cop wit is always funnier when directed at someone else.) The
second time he asked her she told him "29," then she coughed up to "28."
My guess is she was in her late 30's/early 40's EASILY.

Well, I almost got arrested yesterday. I gathered a bunch of
people from da 'court for our First Annual Fat N'Lazy Drag Racing Competition.
We raced our Hoverounds
and Power Chairs throughout the trailer court until some idiot
called the cops. I'm not sure who it was, but I'm fairly certain it was Lulu.
She's been covetous of my Hoveround ever since I got it. It's not my fault she has to walk.
But, oh man, you should have seen me. I heard the sirens, and I was making a  
KILLER getaway, pushing 4.5 MPH when the cops caught up to me!!
Actually he walked up to me and tapped me on the shoulder just as I was driving
up onto my front stoop. Sad thing was he was about 60 pounds overweight and
didn't even break a sweat 'catching' me. He said he would let us go with a warning "this time."
That's it. As soon as it gets dark tonight, I'm sneaking over to Lulu's trailer and putting a
"will have sex for roadkill" sign in her yard.

This is total bullshit. A pregnant woman won $10,000 for her child's education in a
Crazy Cravings Contest. She confessed that she eats at least five jars of baby food a day,
and even eats strained fruits and veggies at work. (Ya know that would probably be a
great way to lose weight.) How is THAT crazy? When I was pregnant with Female
Offspring #4, I used to eat lead paint chips.
But ONLY lead. The non-leaded paint just didn't do it for me.

Ok, what's the protocol on these emails that say "if you love me, you'll send this back
to me" sort of stuff? I never do and then I think, "Damn, they'll think I don't love them."
Truthfully, I rarely do.
But if I send it back, they'll think "what an asshole. why is she
sending me this? i sent it to her!"

About the Bengals loss to Pittsburgh, Bugzzz writes: "I TOLD you that the Bungholes
would find some way to screw up. It was only a matter of time.
As for the dancing...methinks someone thinks that since they were on a winning streak, that
they'd try to revive the Ickey Shuffle. Uh uh. No way. Ain't happenin."
The Ickey Shuffle...LOL. I remember that shit. And then the league clamped down
on "fun" of any kind. Now it's back again. Unfortunately.
I must confess, I did enjoy hearing Guns N'Roses "Welcome to the Jungle" on Sunday.
Great choice for the Bengals, who are still in first place in the AFC North, with the
Steelers only a half a game behind now.

There was a lady on Oprah yesterday and her husband had been killed in 9/11. She received
4.2 MILLION dollars from the government and other donations. And sadly enough she spent all
of it. I wasn't really clear as to why she was on the show. When Oprah asked her if she regretted spending
all the money, she kept avoiding the question by bringing up other things that weren't even relevant. She mentioned several times that her husband had been murdered, and I don't mean to sound crass because NO amount of money could replace a spouse, but lots of people have had loved ones murdered and they don't get a single dime. They have to deal with financial loss as well as their spouse's death. She was sort of acting like it was all the money's fault. If she didn't have it, she couldn't have overspent it. It made no sense to me. But I have to say she didn't spend it all on herself. She was very generous in giving to others, she even paid for one woman's boob job. I'm guessing she perhaps may have subconsciously felt guilty about receiving the money in the first place. It seemed like it was about avoidance. If I'm busy spending this money, I don't have to deal with the death of my husband, and now that it's gone, she's forced to face it. I feel for her though, I imagine the death of a spouse is a terrible loss.

Sunday, October 23, 2005

i'm going to tell you a secret

GREAT GAME yesterday with the Steelers beating the Bungholes!!
I'm sorry but there is WAY TOO MUCH dancing going on in the NFL. Chad Johnson couldn't have done a gayer dance if he tried after he thought he scored a T.D. in the Bengal's first drive of the game. And Heniz Ward doing a little two step? Although not as gay as Chad's it still rated a big UGH.
I'm wondering though how in the world Tommy Maddox is ever going to play in
Pittsburgh again, after last week's fiasco. I read in the Pburgh Gazette that they trashed his yard and his kids were getting picked on at school and he received death threats! Come on. Save that shit for the play offs. LOL. Joking. Just joking.

As I was watching a bit of the news on Sunday a thought occurred to me. The people of Mississippi lost their homes to the flooding and high winds from the hurricane and FEMA puts them up in frigging TRAILERS!! Might as well just bend over and kiss their asses (and all their newly acquired belongings) goodbye.

If you ever want to sit down with a big bowl of popcorn and some friends and
watch some campy movies, watch the two Martha Stewart movies in which
Martha is played by Cybill Shepherd. You will laugh your ass off.
(No, not literally.)

I love the synposis for Hitcher II: "cop once again picks up a psychotic hitchhiker". Ok, first of all, a cop should know better than to pick up ANY hitchhiker. It's what you call, ILLEGAL. Secondly, surely after that first bad experience, you'd think he'd better be able to recognize and AVOID people who put the psycho in psychotic.

In Parade Magazine somebody asked why Whitney was doing Being Bobby Brown
and the writer replied, "...Whitney will do anything for troubled hubby Bobby 36, even if it means dragging her own reputation through the mud." Um, hello?? What reputation? Miss Thang ruined her own reputation LONG ago. Besides, Whitney is the one who comes off looking troubled. Allegedly troubled, allegedly drunk and allegedly high all rolled up in to one. She looks like the "after" picture in a "why you shouldn't do drugs" campaign.

I was able to read more of Madonna's comments from the interview Kat sent me
earlier this week. Madonna said, "TV is trash." Yeah, especially when she's on. Oddly enough tv ISN'T trash when you're on Letterman pimping your new CD or Oprah pimping your latest children's book or on Entertainment Tonight pimping your husband's latest bomb of a movie. I wish Stephen Colbert would have her on his show as a guest. He'd tie her up in verbal knots. I think Jon Stewart would be too intimidated by her.
Oh, and guess what? Maddie says that if people don't turn away from their wicked ways, they're going to Hell. Oh that's just downright hilarious coming from HER.

I saw a little bit on INKED yesterday. I've decided that while I like some tats, I don't the ones that are all done in that odd greenish shade. I like lots of color;)

Saturday, October 22, 2005

confession on a dance floor

Gawd, I was so bored yesterday afternoon that I
almost watched a Full House mini marathon.

There's a Jumbone commercial currently running that features a bulldog.
All I can say is that dog must have really bad teeth. It shows him gnawing on a
Jumbone. Pah! Holly can finish one of those suckers off in under three minutes.

CNN anchor Susan Hendricks seriously needs to work on her inappropriate smiling. She had just finished telling the story of Pamela Vitale's murder and when the camera came back to her she had one of those wide "feel good story" smiles on her face. Oy. Robin would NEVER do that!! Robin knows when to flash a smile and when to do the sad "my puppy just died" face.

I was flipping channels Saturday afternoon and saw a few minutes of Hollywood
Squares. Burt Reynolds was the center square. His plastic surgery is so exaggerated that he looks something straight out of Madame Tussaud's Wax Museum. Put him and Joan Rivers side by side and you wouldn't be able to tell if they were real dummies or wax dummies. I think people should have plastic surgery if it makes them feel good, but there's such a thing as too much, and Joan and Burt have long since reached the point of no return. Then you have the people getting it who don't even need it. Marie Osmond was so pretty
BEFORE she had botox and a brow lift. Now she just looks permanently surprised.

I also saw a bit of My Fair Brady featuring the guy who played Peter Brady and
his gf Adrienne. In one ep, Chris apparently kissed Jane Weidlein (formerly of the Go Go's) on the mouth. Adrienne went into drama queen mode. As IF lesbo Jane is any threat to her relationship. THEN Adrienne says the funniest thing. During her big pouting scene, she says, "I don't want my grandmother to see him kissing some other woman on the mouth." THIS after Adrienne dressed like a dominatrix and made Chris beg her to paddle him, which he did. Sadly enough.

Chuck Norris, yet another actor who tries to relive his heydays when
he shouldn't. Sure Chuck is fit, he looks good and his toupee is even acceptable, but nobody's buying him flipping a guy over his head and up onto a tree branch, as was shown on the new Walker, Texas Ranger. Total Gym isn't THAT good. I don't care how many hours a day ya use it.Walker needs to pick up his retirement benefits package and move on.

i broke the heart of someone pure

Oh sweet Mother of Mercy, BRING BACK COPS ALREADY!!!
I'm sick of these stupid baseball playoffs.

Surprise. Surprise. Martha Stewart's apprentice type show is sucking in the ratings
because no one is buying her faux nice image. Get this--when she gives someone the heave ho,
she writes them a freaking note telling them how nice it was to meet them and
how sorry she was to see them go.

Ham of the Year award MUST go to Danny Bonaduce.
His over acting on Breaking Bonaduce is unparalled in the
world of celebreality. Yes, he's an even bigger drama queen than Janice Dickenson.

Damn it. Am I ALWAYS the last one to know everything? I had no idea Dusty Springfield was a lebsian!
Next thing ya know they'll tell me she's dead.
So much for that sultry rendition of Son of a Preacher Man!

On Harriet Mier's nomination, Trent Lott said, "There are lots of men, women and minorities who are more qualified {to fill the position}." Since when are minorities NOT made up of men and women??

A friend of ours slapped HUGE block letters spelling out Nissan on the side of his ...well, Nissan. He said, "I can put "Kia" on the side of your car if you'd like." I'm like, "Are y ou CRAZY?! You think I WANT people to know I drive a Kia? " But it's all good. I convinced him to put Chevy on the side. I'm starting to feel richer already.

Friday, October 21, 2005

from the razor to the rosary

I read today that Blackberry Thumb is becoming more and more of a problem. I'm not familiar with Blackberry Thumb, but I am, however, very well acquainted with PC ass.

I heard Ken is receiving an extreme makeover so he can possibly shag Barbie's ass once again. I think a good place to start would be by giving him a huge cock and balls. That would certainly get the bitch's attention. What made me laugh when I was reading the article was Mattel's statement that they gave Barbie a makeover by having her break up with Ken. Yeah, she couldn't have adopted a kid or found a cure for cancer, she had to split from her faithful (but anatomically incorrect) boyfriend. BTW, if Barbie is this big go-getter, do everything chick, why did she hang on for years and years to a guy who never married her?

Richard Freeman writes: "You're quite right about the new talent on the Daily Show - and Colbert's show is terrible - he badly needs a straight man. And that gay guy who does the Hollywood show actually came out & told the audience, "Don't blame me, I just read the lines..." pathetic."
I actually liked Stephen's show the first night, but the second night I'm like, "ok this is a LOT of Stephen Colbert. By the third show I'm like, "WAAAAAAY too much Stephen Colbert!".
You're right, though, he does need a straight man AND some reporters doing different segments. It's just too much of him.

One thing I will say about Stephen, he has a much better slogan that Fox's "the most trusted name in news." Stephen's slogan is "It's what Lincoln would have watched." Now THAT rocks!

Thursday, October 20, 2005

christ you know it ain't easy

Only my husband...he's halfway out the door to pick up his parents to take them grocery shopping and he turns to me and says, "You wanna have sex?" I'm like, "Right NOW? You're going shopping." He said, "yeah, but I'm really horny." I said, "hey, bring it on."

From South Park last night, where Stan and Cartman caused a hole in a Beaver Dam, which flooded a city, "We don't have any reports of fatalities yet but we believe the death toll may be in the hundreds of millions. We believe Beaverton only has a population of 8000, so this would be quite devastating." The show was pretty good. It wasn't funny, but it realistically depicted the widespread panic people feel when a disaster MAY strike and the stupidity of the newsmedia, who enjoys fanning the flames of widespread panic.

Back in the early part of the year, I was asking people to send in their favorite love songs and Eric, who was reading my archives sent this email: ""Morning, Noon and Nighttime," duet version, from the movie
_Insatiable_. I'm bonkers for it."
Honest to God I never knew the songs in porn HAD titles, and while I remember the movie, I certainly could quote you any song lyrics. My attention..coughpooltablescenecough...may have been elsewhere. But not only does Eric like the song, he knows the LYRICS. Yes, it has actual lyrics that go beyond "oooooo."

Yahoo has an article about Nick Lachey going to Vegas without Jessica Simpson. It says in part, " You'd think if Lachey wanted to stop the tabloid attacks on his marriage, he wouldn't be going solo to Vegas. But that's what he did this past Saturday, "
Like the guy has no right to go anywhere alone. Being joined at the hip does not necessarily a happy couple make and I think they proved that theory perfectly. Probably why they're splitting up now.

I love this line from Rob Cordury, in a piece about Madonna pissing off the Jews with one
of her new songs: "Madonna, who is Jewish like she is British..."

Speaking of Rob, IMHO The Daily Show has really been struggling lately with their interviews. I think the problem lies in the fact that instead of allowing the new people to develop their own style, they're molding them all the same. And some people just don't have the comedic talent to pull that off. Last night they put Rob in Stephen's place doing the "This Week in God" segment, and it fell flat several times.
They seriously need to address this problem area or they're going to lose their edge.

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

but now you're like the rest, unworthy of my best

Damn. The offspring want me to go trick or treating with them again this year.
I wanted to sit this year out and stay home to pass out treats (code for "eat the treats")
to all the little ghosts and goblins in the trailercourt. But I reluctantly agreed to go. Gotta do everything I can to get that Mother of the Year award.
I'll be going as a crack whore, so there won't be much work to do on my "costume."
Last year I went as a born again Christian. I managed
to annoy everyone by screaming "Jesus is coming! Be saved!" when I rang their doorbell.
I handed out mini Bibles and "Holy Water".
[Ok it came straight from the tap, but I gave it a quickie "In the name of the Father
and of the Son..." blessing. I can't remember whether blessing
came before or after Stupid Cat stuck her paw in it and tried to drink it...]
Course I think I also missed out on a lot of treats because some people were afraid to open their door. I think a lot of them were afraid I reallly WAS Jesus and they were busy hiding their porn stash.

Once again I have purchased my Powerball tickets, and once again, I am poised on the edge of screaming "SCREW YOU!!" when I become a winner. Of course, remembering last week's loss, I restrain myself lest I become a weiner. Again.

From Luke's site:
Cheyenne, Mike South and company are sitting by the pool.
Heather Pink, 27, calls down: "Hi Mike."
Mike, 47: "Who are you?"
Heather: "You f----- me two years ago."
Mike was her first scene. He didn't remember until he went back to his room
and looked her up on his website.
LOL!!! Don't tell me dude isn't getting old.
Would that not be a horrible blow to the female ego, though?
To speak to a guy you fucked and he doesn't even remember you....ugh.

Tonight: New South Park!!
Hope it's better than much of last season.

It was difficult, but it had to be done. I had to sit the offspring down and have "the talk."
I told them that things would be different this Christmas because of rising gas and food prices. I said, "Sure I can spend my money on your Christmas gifts OR I can spend it on my cigarettes and booze." Yes, it was tough, but they've learned by now that if Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy.

I was thinking about this whole New Age stuff today. Much of it says that we chose the life we have now before we were even born, and specifically to live in this time period, as it is a time of accelerated spiritual growth. Now if this is indeed the time of the anti-Christ and all the horrors that go with him--and it damn well  
feels like it--I don't think I should be held to some decision I made when I was a stupid little fetus with no life experience or discernable facial features. Hell, I can't even make up my mind now and I've been here 40+ years. I hardly think I knew what I was talking about way back when. In other words, I WANT OUT, damn it!

This little rant is for the parents of school age kids.
Once again, the fund raising & pimping season is upon us.
If you're going to send your child door to door, do him a favor and teach him a few
IMPORTANT words/phrases. Things like "Hello," "Goodbye," Thank You" and
"Would you like to buy*insert the name of the crap they're pimping here*?"
I do not expect to find seven year old Zig Ziglars on my doorstep, but I expect a tad more than having a pamphlet thrust into my hands by a child who doesn't even have the manners to say, "Hello."
I also love it when I ask them when I can expect the cheap merchandise/even cheaper candy to arrive and they give me "the shrug". Yes, nothing says, "I could give a flying fuck" like "the shrug."
The schools/organizations ALWAYS tell you when the stuff will arrive at the school for pick up,
so tell your child or at least write it on their paper.
I don't keep cash in the house and I need to know ahead of time.
Another clever idea would be to put the child's name and phone number on his paper. Last week I ordered some chocolate popcorn and I have no idea who I ordered it from. I never saw the child before and his parent was parked up the street waiting for him. Unfortunately, I couldn't get much of a coherent answer out of him, but I did get "the shrug" a few times.

The last time she came home, Female Offspring #1 brought along a roll
of toilet paper that she "found" at the university. One one hand, a roll of that
stuff lasts forever. On the other, it's like wiping your dupa with a sheet of notebook paper.

Supposedly there's a "new fad" in which kids are wearing pajamas to school.
Pfffft. Puhleeze. My offspring have been wearing their p.j.'s to school for years.
They call it a "fad," we call it a "time saver."
They roll out of bed and right into their shoes. And NO, my offspring are not wearing
underwear from the day before. They don't wear underwear.
Yet another "time saver." Really cuts down on laundry, too.

Claire writes: "Goddess, do you know how can I satisfy my man's penis?"
Ok, I give up, Claire. How?
I can honestly say I've never heard the question worded quite that way before...

I logged onto Trillian to tell
Female Offspring #1 something yesterday afternoon and after I did,
she said, "You're never on IM anymore!"
Me: "What difference does it make? You never talk to me anyway."
FO #1: "How can I? You're never on anymore."
Me: "You don't talk to me when I am on.."
Me: Sigh. "It's like Grandma used to say, ya don't miss
the water till the well runs dry."
FO #1: "Huh?"

In response to my comment about Mim's friend dropping in for sex, Zal writes in his LJ, " It looks to me like imagoddessru is hinting at me to "just drop by".
Either that, or she's been watching pizza deliveryboy porn again..."
Sure you can "drop by," Zal. But I think it might be a bit of a walk for you.
Hmm, and suddenly I'm incredibly hungry for pizza.
And a diet cock. Oooops, I mean Coke.

I watched the premiere of the Colbert Report on Monday night.
I could NOT figure out why they keep calling it the "Colbert Report"
pronouncing "report" like "rapport," with a silent "t".
Then it dawned on me they're poking fun at the fact that the "t" in Colbert is silent. He was very funny, but DAMN, he was relentless when interviewing Stone Phillips. Stephen is excellent at the lightening fast comebacks.
I'm looking forward to watching his show nightly after The Daily Show, but I'm also
interested to see if he can maintain things as they stand, without
repeating the format of The Daily Show. It's going to be difficult.

Monday, October 17, 2005


Forget the damn animal crackers debacle, I have a much more serious issue at hand!!!
Last night I purchased a pack of what I THOUGHT were "fun sized" Snicker bars--you know for trick or treaters--and when I opened the pack--you know to make sure they were safe for trick or treaters--I discovered that the "fun size" candy bar is HALF THE SIZE IT USED TO BE!!!!! And yet they still have the unmigitated audacity to use the words "FUN SIZE"!!! That's it. I'm drawing up a petition to send the M&M Mars company and I expect ALL of my skimmers to sign it!! I want this situation rectified by NEXT Halloween. As it stands, I'll have to buy twice as many bags as I did last year to satisfy my--I mean the trick or treaters'--hunger.

Female Offspring #1 sent me the story of a lazy German Shepherd who was booted off the police force in Rotherham, England because he had "a complete lack of interest in fighting crime."
The subject of her email was "if Holly was a police dog..."
My favorite parts of the story, though, was when the dog zipped right past a hiding criminal to pee,
and when he lay down on the ground mid-chase and rested.

Of the Bengals' startling success, Bugzzzz writes: 'Trust me, we in Cincy are just as surprised and shocked as the rest of the country. Okay, well...maybe not all of us. I should say I am surprised and shocked because I didn't realize Cincinnati still had a football team. IIRC, the last time the Bungals had a winning season was in the late 80's and I was in junior high.
Rest assured, if the Bungals get anywhere near the playoffs (which is hysterical in and of itself), they will find some way of screwing it up."
Well they are off to an amazing start, I'll give 'em that.

Hmm, Mim was talking in her journal about a mutual friend of hers and her husbands who said she was going to come over to the house and have sex with them, and did. Ya know that has NEVER happened to me. I've had friends come over to borrow my weed eater, friends who needed some eggs for a cookie recipe and I've even had friends borrow my cat on occasion.
(Only to discover that she refuses to work in any place other than her own environment.)
But I can honestly say I've never had anyone just drop in and have sex.

I had to stop at the dry cleaners and pick up the black suit that I wore to the funeral. It's safely tucked in my closet until the next funeral. Sigh. I'm just referring to it as the "Death Suit" from now on.

Sylvester Stallone is bringing Rocky out of retirement. Don't these old guys know when to quit? Nobody is buying Ahhhnold as an action hero anymore and Rocky should be a member of the AARP by now.

I just saw the new Eastwood Insurance commercial--Coulda, Shoulda, Eastwooda? OMG. The best thing Eastwood Insurance "coulda" do at this point is FIRE THEIR DAMN AD AGENCY. As if the gay cowboy thing wasn't sad enough, along comes this fiasco. Their ads look incredibly grade schoolish.

YIKES! Gateway was premiering their TWENTY ONE inch monitor on TV Sunday.
Talk about sweet.

Sunday, October 16, 2005

swallow me whole

I am trying once again to get this chocolate monkey off my back!!!!

Last night I spent much of the evening composing my letter to the
Stauffer Biscuit Company. Here's what I have:
"Dear President of Stauffer Biscuit Company, I purchased your product today and I was very distressed by what I found. When I opened my one pound bag of Animal Crackers (curse you, Shirley Temple!!), I discovered there were no giraffes OR seals. Not only that, but you totally overdid it on the horses. And what's up with the look of the crackers? They're all fat and puffy, and it's hard to tell one from the other. They don't have eyes or any discernable limbs or facial parts like OTHER brands of animal crackers. If this matter is not corrected immediately, I will no longer give you my $1 for your pound of inferior animal crackers. Good day to you!"

Ok, on to a subject that is near and dear to my heart--unfortunately a bit too near--FAT! Or fat acceptance, to be exact. You might not be familiar with a show called The Parkers (on the dubba b) featuring chubbette Mo'nique. Mo'nique is also the same chick who had the fat beauty contest "reality" show awhile back called "Fat Chance," where she wanted chubby women to know they were all beautiful, blah blah.
Over the weekend I watched a few eps of the Parkers. Mo'nique plays a fat chick, who is stuck on a good looking, well shaped black man. She chases him relentlessly and is often the "butt" of his disdain, when he hides from her so he can date the hot, skinny chicks. He is clearly ashamed to be linked with her in any way, but especially romantically. When he saw her wearing a Zebra stripped dress, he said: "Did you have to kill the whole herd?" Now, if Mo'nique is so into fat acceptance and fat women are beautiful and all that, why is she on a show that continues to perpetuate the myth that all fat chicks are desperate and so desperate for a man that they'd continuously throw themselves at men who obviously have no interest in them? Why is she not depicting the character of a strong black woman with a handsome black boyfriend who is proud to be seen with her?

I watched one of the DUMBEST movies Sunday afternoon. It was one of those movies that at it's conclusion, you turn to the person next to you and say, "What the HELL was that all about?!" It was so dumb I couldn't tear myself away. You'll agree because I'm going to tell you about it. It was called "Perfect Strangers." A chick meets in a guy in a bar. She's dead drunk and he's perfectly sober and she agrees to go to "his place" for the night. They wind up on his boat. She passes out and when she wakes up, she's in the middle of the ocean somewhere. He tells her he's taking her to "his place" and it turns out to be some remote island. He takes her clothes, while she bathes and has an entire outfit sitting out for her, including jewelry. He tells her that he's in love with her and she's like "You can't possibly be in love with me, you don't even know me." She thinks he wants to have sex with her so she starts getting frisky with him, but he's pissed because he wants her to tell him that she loves him, which, of course she can't do. He gets physically violent with her and when he goes outside to cool down, she locks him out. He tricks her into letting him back inside, and the next morning she awakens before he does and tries to open the lock with a knife. He comes up behind her and says "Good morning," and she turns and stabs him in the gut. The next thing you know, she's running for the abandoned boat babbling into the radio that she thinks she's been kidnapped. He comes after her, rips out the radio and lays on the boat bleeding profusely. THEN she HELPS HIM back to the house and proceeds to take care of him. He gets a bad infection and she gets him on the boat to take him to the mainland for help. He dies along the way. She almost drowns when the boat capsizes, but miracle of miracles they both wash up on the shore. Of course he's still dead. But she's alive. She drags him back to the house, slaps him in a chair and chastizes him for not eating. THEN she slaps him in the freezer and talks to him all the time. He comes to her at night and they have sex. I know what you're thinking but NO! I was NOT drinking when I watched this idiocy. (But it almost drove me to drink.) A friend from the bar comes to the island--turns out it was really his house--and she tells him they've married and the guy is out fishing. When this guy is burying the meat she threw out of the freezer to make room for her dead "kidnapper," she smacks him over the head with a shovel, ties him up and puts him in the garden shed. Awhile later she shoots through the door, hitting him. Several hours later, while she is asleep, he emerges perfectly fine, not a bullet hole on him, and finds his friend in the freezer. She tells him that she's pregnant to his friend--how does one get pregnant to a guy who has been dead for days?--and that he would want this guy to be the godfather of the baby, so they marry. Now maybe I'm the ODD person that everybody tells me I am but if someone smacked me over the head with a shovel and tried to shoot me, I think at some point in the evening I would feel honor bound to scream, "WHY THE FUCK DID YOU TRY TO KILL ME, YOU ASSHOLE?!" But not only does this idiot NOT ask, he marries her. I don't know who wrote that garbage but they need to be stripped of all writing privileges FOREVER.

breathe just breathe

What gives with the Cincinnati Bengals?! Don't they
know they're supposed to suck?! They're leading the division!!

Eric writes: Dear Goddess,
"I was so glad to find your commentary on Nina Hartley's response to
Chyng Sun in Counterpunch. I tried to make a similar point on her
discussion board -- that her reaction, though heartfelt, was not really
germane because Sun was addressing porn's (putatve) effects on viewers,
not performers -- but everyone there seemed to take me as a "hostile"
and kept attributing things to me that I hadn't said. I was even
accused of trolling and eventually had my account suspended (without notice).
While as a skeptic, I don't assume that my personal reaction to
material reliably tells me how it will affect others (and I've come to
appreciate the difficulty of learning anything reliable from laboratory studies
either -- see Ted Palys's statement on the Little Sisters case), I
don't think it's unreasonable to have an opinion. And you can even (unlike
Sun) oppose all obscenity prosecutions under a camel's-nose argument
without defending everything that's prosecuted. In fact you'd better be
able to, since Bang Bus and its ilk are what they'll go after first.
It's sad that on this issue, even those on the "open-minded" side often
I read that some accounts on Nina's forum had been suspended, but I know
nothing whatsoever about the circumstances surrounding those suspensions.
I do, however, know the reception I got from them when I posted my opinion on
the subject my own site. And it wasn't warm and fuzzy. Thanks for the email, Eric.

I read that Madonna got booted off of a magazine cover in favor of Ashley
Simpson. Are you kidding me? It's been a long time since I've had the hots
for Madonna, but ASHLEY SIMPSON?! Good grief. She's like the "Screech"
of the teen music set. Madonna's self esteem probably
took a good pummeling on that one.

South writes: "ok the 19 month old female wont shut up
and the 19 month old male wont say squat...prolly cuz he cant get a
word in edgewise with the female event that will last the rest of
his life...
That could very well be. He does sit there and stare at her with that blank "whatevah" expression
on his face when she jabbers on and on. It's much the same expression he wore last Halloween when his parents dressed him up like a puppy with floppy ears. Poor kid. I better buy him a big ole journal so he can write this stuff down to tell his therapist. There's no doubt he's gonna need one.

Hmm, so Zal is moving to a new place and he doesn't want to deal with a yard. I don't get it. Yard work is my favorite thing about owning a guest home and a trailer. There's nothing that relaxes me more than sipping an icy cold Margarita while sitting on the front porch watching Manuel trim the front lawns. Very self satisfying.

Friday, October 14, 2005

she's got it, yeah baby, she's got it

Maybe that whole "becoming desensitized through repetitive viewing" theory is true. Lord knows the more I hear about the Bird Flu, the less I care. Personally, I think the gubment WANTS to kill us off in large quantities.
More gas, oil and cum 'ho's for them.

Oh man, this has to hurt. A woman who was involved in a hit and run accident was described as "fat" by the police officer in her report. The ever so sensitive police officer responded in the Daily Mirror, thusly: "I was given a frosty look and told I couldn't say that. I could have said lardy, porky or podgy. But I wouldn't dare use those words." Ya just did, ya ass.

Hey, this sounds like a fun job, kids: Vatican exorcist. The cool thing is it's only a four month course. Four months and you, too, can kick Satan's ass!!!

Wow. Did you read that the big blackout right before the elections in Baghdad was caused by sabotage? How shocking! I thought it was because somebody ignored that third and final shut off notice....

Hmm, methinks my reputation as an excellent songstress precedes me. Last night when I was at my mom's, my nephew's son was fussing, and I said, "Want me to sing to him?" And he immediately, "NO! I don't want you to strain your vocal cords." Awwww. They care. Just for that I'm making him a special CD for Christmas: Goddess Does ABBA. "I am the dancing queen, young and free only 17...." My singing used to work really well on my offspring when they had colic. They'd be screaming
and yelling, and I'd start to sing. Almost instantly their little eyes would widen
and their little jaws would go slack as they gaped...pretty much in horror, but whatever. It shut 'em up and that's all that mattered.

I was reading an article on Yahooey about the lack of manners in our society now. That is so true. Why just the other day when I viciously cut some guy off in traffic, he screamed at me AND gave me the finger.

I ordered some Snapdragon Flower Essence for Holly Marie. I'm very much into using anything natural I can find and Snapdragon focuses on problems that are related to mouth, teeth and jaws. If anybody has problems in those areas, it's Holly Marie. I've used the Bach Five Flower Calming Essence on her and WHEN I remember to use it, it seems to help a lot, but now I have to get more specifically focused on this biting and chewing problem.

The night my uncle was buried, I was "talking" to my late sister and I said, "I guess Uncle *** is with you now." A short time later, I was flipping through channels
on the radio and of course, I heard "Angel." It never fails. I can go for months and never hear that song, but the minute I "talk" to my sister about something, I hear either that song on the radio or "I Will Remember You," as I did following the days of her death.

Thursday, October 13, 2005

the story of love is quicker than the blink of an eye, the story of love is hello and goodbye

Oh GAWD what a day I had yesterday!!! I had a flat on my
Hoveround and I had to (GASP! ) WALK everywhere!!! Why does God hate me so?!

Bugs writes: "As for the chick with 16 kids, the Discovery channel did a documentary on her when she was ready to deliver the 15th. Lemme tell ya....I'm all for the family bond, but this family was creepy...I'm not even sure I can describe it. Everything was perfect.....all the kids were dressed like mini versions of thier parents, and all you saw them doing was chores and schoolwork. And the mom's voice.....sickeningly sweet with nary a care in the world. I didn't even want to keep watching it, but it was like the proverbial train wreck.....I couldn't tear my eyes away."
I saw it, too. When I first saw it I assumed she was the wife of a polygamist! (Seriously.)
Nay, just the wife of a state representative.
I kept waiting for her to SCREAM bloody murder about how they
were getting on her freaking nerves, or how she was dying for a cigarette or a good butt fucking (for a change),
but NOTHING!! Not one ill spoken word. What kind of mother is she? I can only
assume she was on drugs. Probably Vicodan or Darvocet. You know, the good stuff.

Only in our country. Land of the free, home of the GED. Yesterday on Family Feud
Richard Karn asked the question, "Name a U.S. President you would have
voted for had you been alive in their lifetime." And the lady replied, "Ben Franklin."

I don't get it. No matter how many different ways I say "no," to Mr. G when he asks me if I have any candy, he doesn't believe me. What gives? I have the "innocent" no, the "shocked" no, the "indignant" no and the "serious" no. He's always says the same thing when I say, "no." He says, "Ok, where is it?"

OUCH. Did you read about the guy in Britain who hung a huge banner on the freeway that read, "Wendy, I want a divorce. JBS." She retaliated with her own banner that read, "No way. You are the cheat. Wendy." One marriage counselor said the couple was acting "very immature" (One needs a degree to figure this out?) and suggested they get professional counseling. I have a better idea: how about they get a divorce?
I agree that it's immature, but I'm sure it livens up the ride home for a lot of folks.

Now that the PA powerball lotto is around $290 million dollars I bought my ticket. If I win, it'll be "SCREW YOU, PEOPLE!!! You never sent me emails, you rarely gave me encouragement of any kind--good OR bad, (yes! you were even too lazy to tell me I sucked!) and you never contributed a lousy penny to my laptop fund!!!" If I lose, well you'll know if I lose, cuz I 'll just continue to update regularly. In other words, my posting won't be interrupted by a long vacation in Fiji.I was at my mother's when they mentioned the jackpot on the news and I said, "Wow. Can y ou imagine winning $290 million?" thinking of ALL the possibilites.
And she said, "Yes. Your life would be ruined." Yep. That's my mom.
Always looking on the bright side of life.

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

spend all your time waiting for

Looooooong day yesterday.
The only good thing is that it's over.

Ok back to my usual bitchfest....

I'm beginning to think my family is so dysfunctional that we can't even get together for a funeral without having a problem. My sister and I got into an argument over the fact that she wanted me to do something at the Mass and I said no. She was walking around with a friggin' clipboard, like she was some sort of activities director on a cruise, telling everyone what she wanted them to do. My sister-in-law said, "I half expected her to tell me whether or not I was allowed to go to Communion.."
Hell, for once in our lives she & I actually agreed on something.
Female Offspring #1 was drafted to do one of the readings, but she's very good at getting up in front of people and did an excellent job. I, on the other hand, HATE getting up in front of people. My niece's husband was flabbergasted that I refused to do anything. He said, "Why? You're such a people person!" I said, "Yeah, I AM a people person. I can't stand 'em." The funny thing is he was serious.
I said, "Boy the next time you say that to me, your voice better be dripping with sarcasm."
But anyway, my sister was walking around trying to find something for EVERY FREAKIN ONE OF US to do. Do you have any idea how many people there are in my family? It's insane. So then when I refused--and I told her why, that I wasn't comfortable getting up in front of people--she's like,
'Well, I'm not comfortable either, but you do what you have to do."
I said, "Exactly. And I don't HAVE to do this. This is a Mass.
It's not a contractual obligation, for Pete freakin' sake."
She then spent the rest of the evening telling everyone that I "refused to participate", and each time she said that, she'd give me "The Stare." After about the fifth stare, I'm like, "Give it up, will ya?
You're not my mother and sisterly guilt means squat to me."
It wouldn't have worked from my mother either.
Finally Mr G said, "She told you "no" several times, LET HER ALONE." And she shut up.
I said to Mr. G later, "Can't one of us even DIE in peace?!"

And we won't talk about the moment that yours truly was accused of thievery at the funeral home! My uncle loved Snicker bars so we put one in the casket with him. (The HUGE size, btw.) Well, at some point in the evening, it went missing, and for some ODD reason, all eyes were on me! I'm like, "What in the world would make you think that I'd steal from the dead?! I mean other than the half eaten HUGE size Snicker bar in my hand....."
IF I did eat it, I did him a favor. That's less calories he'll have to walk off on the Other Side.

Oh ya gotta love Amtrak. Female Offspring #1 came in for the funeral on the train. You can check the train status from the computer via the Amtrak site. Well, she checked several times before she left for the station, and it kept showing that the train was only running 4 minutes behind schedule. She called once again right before she walked out the door and was again told 4 minutes. Not five minutes after they left I logged onto the computer and checked the train was running 47 minutes behind schedule. Oy.

Wow. Archeologists have found what they believe to be the world's oldest Chinese noodles. They were found beneath a clay bowl in a community that was destroyed 4000 years ago. Right next to the bowl was a small silver packet with the words, "Boil three minutes then add Ramen noodle seasoning packet. Drain well."

Oprah gets my vote for saying one of the STUPIDEST THINGS I've heard on tv in a loooooong time. She had a segment on a poor rural community in Illinois, and she was interviewing a woman who had no running water in her home. She had to fetch water to use to flush the toilet, wash her clothes and bathe. She had tires on her roof holding the tarps in place to keep out the rain. They had very little and Oprah, in her oh so spiritually superior way turns to the woman and says, "So is this the life you envisioned for yourself?" WTF?!
Another amazingly stupid thing she said was in her promo, "We rip the lid off of America's dirty little secret. We have 35 million poor people living in America." Uh, exactly WHO is this news to? The many of us who live paycheck to paycheck? Or those who rely completely on the government? Oprah's next big shocking expose: "Catholic Priests May Be Molesting Young Boys!"

WTF??? An Arkansas woman gave birth to her 16th child and the story made it onto Yahoo?! Screw her! Nobody wrote a story about moi when my 16th offspring came kicking and screaming (ok I was doing all the kicking and screaming) into the world. BUT then again, none of my baby daddies was a former state representative!

After a little over a year my nightmare has finally returned. I honestly thought I was finished with it. Only now it's a bit different. Now Geo is in it. For years and years I was by myself. I had it early Wednesday morning. I dreamt the phone was ringing and I was trying to wake myself up to answer it. When I finally got out of bed, and reached for the lights, they didn't work. I panicked because after all these years, I know not having lights in my dreams means I'm going to have the nightmare. So I did what I always do, I run to another room to check the switch there. I ran into Geo's room and tried his light switch. It didn't work either. I yelled, "Honey, honey, we have no lights!" Then I could hear "It" whatever it is at the front door with putting a key into the lock and speaking in a monster type voice, garbled and loud, like they have in the movies. Always in my previous nightmares there was no talking whatsoever on the part of "It." I could see like a red light all around the door frame and I had no idea what "It" was saying. I was terrified and I screamed and woke myself up. I've been having this damn nightmare for 25 years now. Just when I think I've figured out the meaning, it changes in some subtle way.

I read an article on Yahoo--always my choice for news--that said " Eating fish at least once a week slows the toll aging takes on the brain, while obesity at midlife doubles the risk of dementia."
So it's like you save yourself from dementia so you can die of mercury poisioning, because when they're not running articles on how great fish is for you, they're running articles on how eating it can kill you.

Monday, October 10, 2005

all we are is dust in the wind

My dad's brother passed away, and he was a favorite uncle to all of us in the family, nieces and nephews, great nieces and great nephews, as well. If I had to describe him it would be, "My Big Gay Uncle!" and I mean that with the utmost respect and love. He was one of those flamboyant gay men, like Jack from Will and Grace, only a lot older. I could perfectly describe him as Paul Lynde with a Richard Simmons laugh. What is really funny is that I NEVER realized he was gay until I started dating Mr. G and he mentioned it. I'm like, "He's not gay!" Then an instant later, I'm like, "OMG. He IS gay! How could I not have noticed?!" No wonder he never wanted to date my mother's sister, no matter how many times I suggested it to him.
One of my funniest memories of realizing he was gay was when I asked my mother about it. Now my mother has a problem with, well, you know, the truth, so she said in her ultra conservative "don't let the neighbors hear you talking about this" tone, "We don't KNOW if he's gay for certain. Nobody knows." Yeah, nobody except for his many, many boyfriends.
But he loved the our kids and treated them very well. When Female Offspring #1 went to grade school her bus would pass by his house and every morning he would be out on the porch to wave at her.
And then he'd call me and tell me about it.
"I saw Female Offspring #1 on the bus. She waved and I waved."
My uncle was laid out yesterday and I nearly lost it at the funeral home during the Lion's Club service. They had like a 15 minute ceremony and presented the family with different colored roses to represent service and loyalty, etc. Well the dude in charge was reading everything right off a paper and he said, "We'd now like to present these roses to Mr. ****'s wife and family." Good luck there, pal. You'll be waiting a long time to give anything to my uncle's "wife."
And now, let me leave you with the three things I hate hearing the most at the funeral home:
1. He looks so good.
(Yeah except for that dead thing he's got going on.)
2. It's for the best.
(And yet it never feels that way.)
3. He looks like he's sleeping.
(Except he's not breathing. Thaaaaat kinda makes the difference.)

the things we do for love

My dad's brother passed away, and he was a favorite uncle to all of us in the family, nieces and nephews, great nieces and great nephews, as well. If I had to describe him it would be, "My Big Gay Uncle!" and I mean that with the utmost respect and love. He was one of those flamboyant gay men, like Jack from Will and Grace, only a lot older. I could perfectly describe him as Paul Lynde with a Richard Simmons laugh. What is really funny is that I NEVER realized he was gay until I started dating Mr. G and he mentioned it. I'm like, "He's not gay!" Then an instant later, I'm like, "OMG. He IS gay! How could I not have noticed?!" No wonder he never wanted to date my mother's sister, no matter how many times I suggested it to him.
One of my funniest memories of realizing he was gay was when I asked my mother about it. Now my mother has a problem with, well, you know, the truth, so she said in her ultra conservative "don't let the neighbors hear you talking about this" tone, "We don't KNOW if he's gay for certain. Nobody knows." Yeah, nobody except for his many, many boyfriends.
But he loved the our kids and treated them very well. When Female Offspring #1 went to grade school her bus would pass by his house and every morning he would be out on the porch to wave at her.
And then he'd call me and tell me about it.
"I saw Female Offspring #1 on the bus. She waved and I waved."
My uncle was laid out yesterday and I nearly lost it at the funeral home during the Lion's Club service. They had like a 15 minute ceremony and presented the family with different colored roses to represent service and loyalty, etc. Well the dude in charge was reading everything right off a paper and he said, "We'd now like to present these roses to Mr. ****'s wife and family." Good luck there, pal. You'll be waiting a long time to give anything to my uncle's "wife."
And now, let me leave you with the three things I hate hearing the most at the funeral home:
1. He looks so good.
(Yeah except for that dead thing he's got going on.)
2. It's for the best.
(And yet it never feels that way.)
3. He looks like he's sleeping.
(Except he's not breathing. Thaaaaat kinda makes the difference.)

Hmm, interesting how Luke Ford has someone writing HIS blog now while HE goes to Tampa.
And they didn't even have to LIVE in Luke's hovel while they did it! Most importantly, they didn't have to suffer through his non-English speaking neighbors! What gives?!
See ya back at home tonight, kids.

Keith sends this joke: "A grasshopper hops into a bar and sits down.
The bartender says, "You're quite the celebrity in here. We even named a drink after you."
The grasshopper says, "You have a drink named 'Steve'?"

I called home and Male Offspring #7, who has a bit of a lisp problem, answered the phone. He told me he and his daddy were busy working on his Halloween "cothume.". I said, "What are you going to be?" And he said, "I'm on the twat team." That answer better be a result of his lisp or I am SO kicking his daddy's ass when I get home.

Randy writes: "Dear Goddess. My S.O. hates the taste of cum. What should I do?"
Oh that's an easy one. Have your S.O. suck you off first thing in the morning, Randy. You'll have nice morning woods and your S.O. will have morning breath.
Their mouth will taste like the bottom of a garbage can anyway.
He/she won't even NOTICE the taste of your cum.

Last update on South's page.... Now all I have to do is sit back and let the writing offers POUR in.
Yeah, uh huh schure.

Saturday, October 08, 2005

baby, i have good intentions

What the hell gives with that "finger in a socket"/Wolfman Jack hair
style author/comedian Greg Behrendt is sporting?
He was on the Today show giving romance advice but he is in serious need of GROOMING advice. Dump the Flock of Seagulls look already, dude.

I heard that Boy George was arrested for drug possession after the police found
him "in a drugged stupor." Puhleeze. How would we know if he was in a stupor of any kind?!

Zal chastised me for not putting my Yahooey messenger on in the mornings when I comment on people's blogs. Here's the deal--because with me, there's always a deal. I set the alarm so that I have an hour and 15 minutes before I have to leave for work. IF I avoid talking to anyone, I can hit the snooze two times. But sometimes I might want to talk, so always it's this sort of struggle. I'm warm and cozy all snuggly in bed and the alarm goes off. I say, "Do I want to chat or sleep? Do I want to chat or zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...."
And thus the decision is made.
Zal has been posting some moi delicious links lately. *insert...oh wait this is MY site.
I can use the damn emoticons over here!

I saw the Reading Ron episode of Reno 911 on Saturday afternoon. That ep was hilarious. Reading Ron is a guy who comes to the station to film the police and narrate the action for children, like Mr. Rogers used to do. The officers use words that are too graphic for kids, so Reading Ron keeps reminding them to tone it down. He was riding with Junior and Jr says, "Look there's a prostitute." Reading Ron stops the camera and says, "When you see a "prostitute," use another word like 'bucket'." A few minutes later Jr says, "Oh look there's a bucket going down on a Puerto Rican. "

I love the Fed Ex commercial where three or four employees inform their co-worker that he's always wrong. When he asks how he's wrong, one of the things they tell him is they get "fringe benefits, not French benefits." What makes it so funny is the actor's totally deadpan expression at the end where he says, "So we don't get French benefits?!"

I see that the gubment is scrambling to come up with a bird flu vaccine. The one gubment official said, "We're pushing to get the vaccines into clinical studies very rapidly. " Yeah, that's what worries me. We see the side effects of the vaccines that haven't been rushed through testing. God only knows what these will be like.

My update on South's page....

Friday, October 07, 2005

adia i do believe i failed you

If you're looking for a job, Al Qaeda is looking for a few good traitors. They need help "putting
together their web statements and video montages". Is it my imagination or are they looking
for a good PR person?! No word on whether or not they
pay medical benefits, but I'm guessing not slaughtering you is benefit enough.

I gave "Everybody Hates Chris" one more shot last night. I'm outtie. I think I'm just sick of this
"Wonder Years" everything told via reminiscing style. It was great the first time I saw it.
 Now it's boring and repetitive.

I can't believe this. A guy has created fake testicles for neutered dogs and has sold more than 150,000 of them! Called Neuticles, they supposedly "allow a pet to retain his natural look and self esteem." This is insane. I don't think it's the dogs who worry about not having testicles, so much as their male owners. This is totally a guy issue so it came as no surprise to me that the inventor maxed out all his credit cards and put his house on the line to invent it. Geez Louise. Do you think we women stress about our female dogs when we get them spayed? Hell, no. We're just glad because it's one less thing to worry about. Actually, we're happy for the dogs because we know she can have sex galore and not worry about unplanned pregnancies. Nope, I don't think women will be lining up to buy prosthetic uteruses for our mutts any time soon...

My update on South's page.....

Thursday, October 06, 2005

dont tell me that i haven't been good to you

When I write for my site, I don't feel like I'm jabbering on that much. But when I used word count and measured my posts next to South's--yikes! Well let's just put it this way, I prefer to think that the problem is that he doesn't jabber ENOUGH.

have broken up. Again, one that surprised everyone!! Truthfully,
anymore I'm surprised if they STAY together, not if they break up.

Martha Stewart will be permitted into Canada to participate in a pumpkin race. Because of her
stock fraud conviction she needed special permission to enter the country.
That's not true. They just told Martha that cuz they really didn't want her IN the country in the first place.
Again, her show continues to draw low ratings. Is it any wonder? I only watch her when I find myself getting down on myself and beating myself up. I think, "Sure your life isn't the most exciting, but at least you're not HER! I mean look at her. She's salivating over curry and afghans and perfect folds in her pants."

Yikes. Check out AVN's blog for all the nastiness that's happening
(or not happening at) the Tampa Show. Ya gotta love porn chick drama,
especially when the chick supposedly causing all the trouble isn't even AT the show.
All I can say is MEEEE OW.
DB is the only guy I know who manages
to get his ass in trouble without even leaving beautiful downtown Kettering, Ohio.

I almost fell off my chair yesterday when I read that Dr Phil correctly guessed that
Renee & Kenny's faux marriage would last four months. I'm thinking, "Damn, that's cold to be making public predicitons on the state of a person's marriage like that."
At least have the decency to do it behind their backs.

And finally a story for Zal. They've invented a beer coaster that
automatically senses when a person's drink is empty. No more having to
walk past 50 times and say, "Are you ready for a refill?" Ya know what I hate? When you're eating in a restaurant and the waitress/waiter keeps walking by saying,"Is everything ok here?" It never fails, they ALWAYS catch me with a huge mouthful of food.

Different update again....

every step i took in faith betrayed me

Ok, kids. Everything went super well for Mr. G's eye appointment,
so I am off to Georgia. Hopefully I will arrive in one piece. I'm traveling alone this time. No mangy mutt to keep me company. No mangy mutt to slobber all over me for several hours, and no mangy mutt to
sing the part of the Supremes to my Diana Ross along the way. Sigh.
I don't know at this point if I'll write two different posts
like I usually try to do or just copy and paste the one from Mike's site.
(Please, please check my posts out over there, you guys know how I stress about these things!)
Depends on how much trouble I get into "down there."
(Get your mind out of the gutter. I mean down South.)
But I'll be sure to let ya know.
I'll be back home on Monday!

In the new Ladies Home Journal, Bill Clinton is giving advice on, of all things, MARRIAGE.
Yeah, I really want to take marital advice from a cheater. And a liar.
He says, "'s always easy to bag it. It's harder to stay. But you know, after a certain point it seems like a lot of trouble to start again, too. There's something to be said for staying."
Translation: if he were younger, he'd be out of there like a shot.

Well the entire world come to a screeching halt yesterday when it was revealed
that Katie Holmes is having Tom Cruises baby.
We'll all vomit on the count of three.
One, two, two and half, three! I'm smelling an Oprah show.
But I'm guessing Tom will act with decorum because Oprah has new furniture,
she won't put up with that going ape shit stuff this time.

I love Jon Stewart. Yesterday morning on The Daily Show, he showed a clip of President Bush
talking about his new nom for the Supreme Court. The President said, "... one of the
ideas that was presented to me was why not nominate someone
who has never been a judge?" You know how Jon Stewart imitates the
Pres--he usually ends up sounding like Beavis. (Or Butthead, I'm never sure which.)
Anyway, Stewart (as Bush) says, "Hee hee hee, I have another idea, hee hee, why not nominate
a monkey?"

A woman in Oregon is suing her doctor because she claims he told her he
could cure her lower back pain if they had sex. He then charged the Oregon Health Plan $5k for his 45 minute treatments. $5k? Thinks rather highly of himself, doesn't he?
A cynical person, such as myself, can only wonder how many "treatments"
he gave her before she decided to sue?
This sort of stuff really upsets me, but
only because I have Mr. G convinced that multiple orgasms help my lower backaches!!!
If he reads that article and finds out it's not true, I'm gonna kick ass!

Two different updates today, so check out my post on South's site.

Happy Birthday to Phil the Phan!!!

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

And it doesn't seem fair That your wicked words should work in holding me down

I have to take Mr. G to the eye doctors tonight for his yearly checkup and diabetes test. I always worry, especially lately because his last two medical checkups weren't good. His sugar readings seem to be going up despite the fact that he works out FAITHFULLY five days a week, and takes a zillion supplements that supposedly help. He seems to think that his pancreas is shutting down completely, and he might have to go on insulin soon. I know how upsetting that is for him, especially when he does all the right things. I just hope they don't find any sign of diabetes in his eyes tonight. That's always a major concern, but I am keeping my fingers crossed that everything is GOOD.

Poor Queen Oprah. Snubbed by a "rigid and rude" Hermes' store employee for not allowing her into the store to shop 15 minutes after the store closed for business. The person I feel the most pity for is the employee. Her boss, Robert Chavez, didn't even bother to support her. He hung her out to dry on Oprah's show by offering a public apology for the person's behavior. Then Queen Oprah went on to say she WASN'T playing the celebrity card. Really? Cuz it sure as hell sounds like it. She blathers on, "Everybody who's ever been snubbed because you were not chic enough or the right class or the right color or whatever — I don't know what it was — you know that that is very humiliating and that is exactly what happened to me." Puhleeze. She was snubbed because she was trying to enter a closed establishment after hours. Period. The most disgusting thing about all of this is that Oprah had the balls to use her show as a public forum to urge people not to shop there based on this incident. Apparently she's been Queen for so long she's forgotten what it's like to stand on your feet all day long, kissing customers' behinds and wanting to go home ON TIME at quitting time.
I say shame on Robert Chavez for being a lousy boss.

you're amazing, i'm attracted but i'm terribly distracted

I finally used that Black Magic car wax that I bought weeks ago cuz it was
in a shiny red bottle, remember? Good stuff. It didn't even leave dust all over the car
like a lot of the waxes do. And it even had a slight cherry scent to it. It dawned on me that
that is the perfect way for the auto industry to get women more
interested in car care. Add fragrances to their car supplies.
Apple cinammon car wash and blueberry chrome cleaner.
Trust me, we'd sucker for it.

I'm busy packing for my upcoming road trip. Yep, that's right kids, I'm going to
'Allanna' to do South's updates once again.
I shall be arriving at South's dump--I mean "luxious accommodations"--on Thursday.
And while he's whooping it up in Tampa, I'll be working my fingers to the bone....going through all his stuff.
As usual, Mr. G was very upset when he found out I was leaving.
Mr. G: "Who's going to cook for me?"
Me: "Oh, Sweetie. I don't cook for you now. Now I have to go out for a few minutes."
Mr. G: "Where are you going?"
Me: "Uma fixin' to are up."
Mr. G: "What?!"
Me; "Sorry, honey. Every time I even think about going back to Jawja I start talking funny."

I bought myself one of those five inch thick Day Planners and I carry it with
(Like I need to PLAN watching COPS, eating in bed and reading romance novels.)
Don't have a damn thing written in it, but I carry it everywhere.
But today I took it on my walk with Hurricane Holly. I thought I might be inspired by the beautiful Pennsylvania day. Holly likes to walk, then lay down in the front yard awhile (her run is in the back yard) and we sit with her.
This is what I've written so far, "Damn it's hot out here in the sun. I wish I was inside where it's cool."

I received a letter today from the Edward and Rose Berman Hillel Jewish University Center in Pittsburgh informing me that they now have a Chicken Soup Hotline and if Female Offspring #1 is sick, they'll deliver her some hot chicken soup. I was going to sign her up immediately and tell her to make sure she had her old ratty robe and Vicks VapoRub on hand when they deliver. Not because she's sick, but because it would be a way for her to get homemade chicken soup delivered hot. Then I realized they charged $180 for this service.
Screw it. For that price she could buy over a 180 cans of generic noodle soup.
I know the secret ingredient in homemade soup is love, but not $180 worth of love, damn it.
[For a guy, that's the equivalent of about 9 blow jobs sans love. So not worth it.]
They also said they'd give her a Passover Survival Kit and a free Nice Jewish Girl t shirt,
something every blue eyed, blonde Catholic gurl needs.
(Ya know I'd like to poke fun at what could be in that
Passover Survival kit, but not being a Jew, I have no clue.)

Monday, October 03, 2005

have a GREAT day!!!

Amber sends this:
Slap Your Co-Worker Day is Coming!!
Tomorrow is the official Slap Your Irritating Co-workers Holiday:
Do you have a co-worker who talks nonstop about nothing, working your last nerve with tedious and boring details that you don't give a damn about? Do you have a co-worker who ALWAYS screws up stuff creating MORE work for you? Do you have a co-worker who kisses so much booty, you can look in their mouth and see what your boss had for lunch? Do you have a co-worker who is SOOO obnoxious,
when he/she enters a room, everyone else clears it? Well, on behalf of Ike Turner, I am so very very glad to officially announce tomorrow as SLAP YOUR IRRITATING CO-WORKER DAY! There are the rules you must follow:

* You can only slap one person per hour - no more.
* You can slap the same person again if they irritate you again in the same day.
* You are allowed to hold someone down as other co-workers take their turns slapping the irritant.
* No weapons are allowed...other than going upside somebody's head with a stapler or a hole-puncher.
* CURSING IS MANDATORY! After you have slapped the recipient, your "assault" must be followed with something like "cause I'm sick of your stupid-a$$ always messing up stuff!"

* If questioned by a supervisor [or police, if the supervisor is the irritant, you are allowed to LIE, LIE, LIE! Now, study the rules, break out your list of folks that you want to slap the living day lights out of and get to slapping.....and have a great day."
Hell, how can you NOT have a great day after that?! BTW, I love that part about being allowed to hold them down while other co-workers take a shot. Thanks, Amber. I only regret that I'm off tomorrow.

There's one fuel that's quietly going up in price without mention: kerosene. I know because we've been filling our oil tank for the winter, and this year we're using kerosene. When the gas price hikes started, kerosene was $1.99 a gallon. Now gas has come down but kerosene is steadily rising. Now it's $2.79 a gallon.

it's like i'm running from you all the time

Goddess' Cute Cop O'The Week Award goes to *drum roll please*:
Officer Dave Kile of the Portland, Oregon PD and Officer John ? of the same PD, who
was also in the same ep. Thanks Court TV for making a point to cover up the names.

I know what I shall be dressed as for Halloween. I'm going
as desperate trailer trash--like there's any other kind.
But for those of you in dire need of a costume,
Curious sends this frightening suggestion.
Ya know, I'm so glad it says WHO that is,
because I would have just guessed some unattractive slob, with a 50's do.
Keith sends this joke: Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out; both were very faithful
and loving wives, however, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi
Breezers. Incredibly drunk, walking home they needed to pee, so they
stopped in the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her
panties and use them. Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive
pair of panties and did not want to ruin them, but was lucky enough to
squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she
proceeded to wipe with that. After the girls did their business they
proceeded to go home.

The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally
sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other
husband and said "These damn girl nights have got to stop. I'm starting to
suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!"

"That's nothing" said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck
in her crack that said "From all of us at the Police Station. We'll never
forget you."

Alex informs me that the new season of South Park begins on October 19th.
Let's just hope it begins funnier than it ended last year.
I still haven't seen the last episode of Reno 911. I thought I had it taped after some
COPS eps, but I can't find it anywhere, and I keep looking for it on the schedule,
but I haven't seen a re-run yet. Their season went SO FAST. I couldn't believe
they showed 12-14 eps. It seemed like about 6.

I've officially had it with some of these internet sites. I'm tired of having to register
my entire freaking life history just to read a five line story or take a test. Hell it's easier to hand over an ovary. You can't even comment on MSN blogs unless you have a hotmail account. That's stupid. You can comment on LJ and Blogger, and you don't have to have an account. You just use the anonymous feature. Same deal with My Space. Somebody sent me their url and I had to do all this freaking registering and I NEVER got to their site anyway! After about the third page of info, I quit.

Saturday, October 01, 2005

if i could hold on through the tears and the laughter

Goddess' Hot Deputy O'The Week Award goes to: Deputy Frank Brown
of the Pierce County Sheriff's Department.
Oh to be laying under him....
* insert sexually charged sigh here*

Whoa. I never saw this one coming. Paris Hilton has called off her engagement to Paris Latsis.
I was so sure that gurl was ready to settle down with one man and have lots of babies.

Remember my dog's best friend, Puppy? The friend that she took for walks in the rain? And the friend that she often left out in the rain?
The friend that she kept trying to bury in the bushes?
Well I'm saddened to say that Hurricane Holly blew through the trailer
last night and Puppy is no more. As you can imagine Holly is quite devastated.
(Not to mention tired from all that ripping and tearing.)
Puppy's funeral will be held this afternoon at 2 p.m.
[Or as soon as we can get the remains off of Holly without getting bitten.... ]
We are deeply saddened by this loss, but we're so strapped financially right now that we don't have the funds to replace Puppy. We would appreciate any financial help you can give us. And while you can't put a price on friendship, I'm thinking about $1000 would be enough for me to get a really good sized
hard drive--I mean, a really good sized FRIEND for Holly.
Gawd, new carpeting wouldn't hurt either...
I've decided to start calling her Hurricane Holly from now on. I mean, think about it. She swoops in, reeks havoc and destruction to everything in her path, then she leaves.
Ooooooooooooh yeah. She never leaves.....sigh.

Damn. Holly is getting to be like the cats. She went to bed last night with Mr. G around 9 and slept till he got up at 4:30. She was awake until he left at 6:15, then she crawled in bed with me and slept until 11! I'm like, "Gurl, I didn't go to bed till almost 2:30, what's YOUR excuse?!" But alas, she had none.
When I was sleeping by myself, I was wrapped in about five blankets, but she cuddled up next to me and thats like sleeping next to a blast furnace. I kept taking off my covers until I was totally naked except for my feet. Around 7:30 I could feel something cold and wet against my ass.
I said, "You already know who I am. Knock it off and go back to sleep."