Friday, September 02, 2005

seven days and seven nights of thunder


Ok, Wendy, here's a pic of Officer Perez doing his signature move. Nice ass, huh? Damn. I'm all hella jealous of his girlfriend now.
Guys, that move has "Rico Suave" written all over it.
Feel free to steal it.
In all fairness, Wendy, I think you should send me a pic of your hott cop
and then we can post a pic of Officer Perez and have a "cop off."
BTW, Officer Perez says it's ok to stalk a cop if you're good looking.
Oh shit. I'm screwed.

My girlfriend called me last night and asked me to come along on a visit with her dad so I could give her my opinion as to "whether or not he's losing his mind."
Let me interject right here and say I have to say, I kinda resent being treated like the poster child for people who have lost their mind. I'm starting to feel like the 'before' picture on a "this is what can happen if you don't get therapy" poster.
Anybody who demands to be called "The Colonel" and who walks around in army fatigues and has never even been in the army is MEGA CRAZY.
You know how you have that one friend from childhood who had the really scary dad? Your friend would call and ask you to come over and play, and you'd say, "Umm, so will your dad be there?" then you'd base your decision on whether or not the answer was "yes."
Well this is that dad for me. No one in the family said "no" to him,
and they waited on him hand and foot.
We'd be playing Barbie dolls in the living room and all of a sudden,
he'd scream, "Get me a sandwich!" and we'd all run for the chipped ham.
Hell, I ran for the chipped ham and I didn't even live there!
That having been said, I replied, "Hell, I don't need to visit
him to decide that. He lost it a long time ago."
Her dad has been CRAZY since we were kids.
But I did visit him last night, and at one point in the visit he said, "Let's go downstairs so I can show you what I have in the basement." I turned to my girlfriend and whispered, "So help me GOD if the words "dead" or "body" are involved, I am NOT leaving this chair." What he had in the basement was like 500 styrofoam egg cartons. I was flabbergasted. Especially when he said, "So? What do you think?" with an expectant gleam in his eye. What the hell could I think? I said, "Why are you saving all these egg cartons? Are you planning on getting chickens?" It was at that point that he said something very profound. He said, "You never know when you might need them." He might. need. them. Think about THAT as you hurry through your day.
Yep, no doubt about it. He's definitely cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs.

I should have known better than to watch one of those murderer raping, wife stealing, bed swapping, pedophile movies *FOR WOMEN* on the Lifetime channel. I saw one the other night about a chick who discovered her man had been cheating on her after 20 years of marriage. Immediately my wife radar (also known as "paranoia") went on high alert, and I started looking for the hidden meanings in everything Mr. G said. "Bananas? What do you mean you bought bananas? Is that code for you're having sex with the produce chick?" Yes, I am that insecure.
So Holly was scavenging things from Mr G's dresser when he wasn't looking, and she grabbed his wallet, causing all 9,347 pieces of paper to fall out of it.
I kid you not, this is his wallet. If you're a Seinfeld fan, you probably laughed your ass off when you opened that pic. [BTW, you'll notice there's nothing GREEN in that wallet.]
Anywho, one of the slips of paper I picked up had, "Bonnie" written on it along with two phone numbers. I'm like, "BONNIE?? Who the HELL is Bonnie?? If she even THINKS of taking my man, I'll slice her!" Luckily, I said this in my head because when I looked at it again, it actually read "Bernie," and he's the guy who does our electrical work....

This morning I watched my favorite show of all time, the PCN tour of the Hershey's Chocolate Factory. I laughed, I cried, I got in touch with my inner chocolate child. THEN they had the PCN tour of the Mrs. T's Pierogi's factory. Talk about riveting! The best part was when they talked about the history of the pierogi.
Gawd, I just can't hear it often enough. Yes, it was another one of those days where I couldn't reach the remote and was too lazy to try.

I am deliberately trying to avoid the subject of the hurricane and focus on lighter topics right now because it's just too much to think about, and it's coming at us 24/7. I've already reached saturation point on the hurricane coverage. I can't watch anymore. Instead of going off on a mental worse case scenario, I just try to focus and say, 'Lord, help those people.'
How can you shoot at people who are there to help you, then bitch that no one is helping you? And now people are being raped and beaten...I just don't
understand the elements of our society who live to take advantage of others. It's all very distressing. You can't see a newscast for more than three minutes that they aren't mentioning the gas crisis and all of this is just reinforcing people's fears about the economy (especially mine), along with all upset the displaced people in the South are facing. Then my bro-in-law sent me an email about a movie he saw last year about how our oil refineries were hit by a hurricane and it destroyed our economy. Thank you, Disatrodamus. Just what I needed to hear. And if he says, "The world situation is ripe
for the anti-christ" ONE MORE TIME....
My family takes great delight in scaring me.

Ok, I'm posting this early, and Mr. G has informed me that it's time for the "half time blow job." And that's MY signature move. Later!!

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