Wednesday, September 07, 2005

i'm my own worst enemy

Pussies! Aren't they purdy?

I stopped to see my uncle at the old folk's home today and he gave me a loaf of blessed bread. Bread, as you may know is symbolic of Jesus' body in the Catholic Church.
As he hands me the bread, he says, "This is delicious if you slice it thin and toast it."
I said, "Is it permissible to put Jesus in the toaster?" which of course, went right over my uncle's head.
He said, "Sure. Last year I got a couple loaves and put it in the freezer. Its really good as French toast, too."
Well, who knew Jesus was so versatile? I said, "Do you have to say "Body of Christ" before each mouthful?" Ar ar...that's a little Catholic joke for the masses. (Get it? Masses? Catholic? Never mind...) On the bread, the label says, "This bread is provided to you and your family in preparation of the Holy Feast." I said to Mr. G, "Holy Feast"? Cool. This and a jar of chunky peanut butter constitutes a "holy feast" in my book.

I work tonight. 15 hours of pure overtime. I like it. I love it. I want more of it. Yep, that's right. I kvetched to the boss until she split up NuGirl's 45 hours of overtime between three of us, giving every one of us an extra night. I wasn't trying to be a bitch but when I've been there 3 1/2 years and my co-worker has been there 3 years, it doesn't seem right that somebody there for a few months should grab all the O.T. And I wasn't bitching to get it all myself, I wanted it to be divided evenly between the three of us.
I'm trying to get this night shift permanently but nobody wants to leave to create a vacancy. Of course they don't, they don't have to do squat. Which is pretty much why I want it. I have TONS of crap to do and I only get paid like ten cents an hour more than they do.

Hmm, after watching all these eps of COPS--six more on Court TV last night---I think
I'm going to have to put together my fantasy police department. It will exactly the same as fantasy football, except the guys won't play football, they'll just be there for me to swoon over. Possibly jill to.
So truthfully, it will be nothing like fantasy football. Just a good hot fantasy.

Stopped by the offsprings' various schools yesterday as they're all starting this new "meet the teacher night" bullshit. Why do I have to meet them before the school year gets started? Lord knows I'll be seeing enough of them throughout the school year, mostly in the principal's office.
Once again I noticed a lot of new parents coming in and out of the kindergarten room, all bright and happy and thinking that this is another exciting step in their child's future. It's school, people, get over it. In honor of these naive parents, I've created this handy dandy guide
to help them understand what their child's teacher is REALLY trying to communicate to them during their parent/teacher conferences:
Teacherese: marches to a different drummer....translation: nuts
Teacherese: needs to brush up on people skills.....translation: homicidal
Teacherese: creative...translation: not too bright
Teacherese: WAY creative....translation: a moron, actually
Teacherese: she's a riot!...translation: i can't stand her
Teacherese: she's doing just fine....translation: what's your kids name again?

Hmmm, there is a new study out about women and how they feel about their ass.
I thought the results were pretty interesting.
85% of women think their ass is too big...
10% of women think their ass is too little...
The other 5% say that they don't care -- they love him and
would have married him anyway.
Oh, ouch.

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