Sunday, September 25, 2005

girl you know it's just a show

I got to spend some quality time with Female Offspring #1 the last time she was home. We went outside at night, laid on a blanket and looked at the stars for awhile. It was peaceful and rather awesome. She said, "Mom, you know what I like about life? There are times things are going well, and you feel like you are one with Life, flowing and moving as it moves. Other times, when you think things are so bad that you'll never get out of the mess you're in, something wonderful happens--sometimes overnight--and your whole perspective changes."
I said, "Honey, you know what I like about life? Cake. Soooooometimes pie. Mostly cake." Sigh. I love our deep mother/daughter conversations.

Damn it. When Mr. G is home with Holly, she has no problem going outside and spending the entire day out there. When I'm home, she's stuck to me like a sticky thistle on felt. The only way I could get her outside the other day was to put on a tape of COPS. The instant she heard the K-9 dog barking, she went to the window and tried to catch a whiff of his scent. When that didn't work, she insisted on going outside to track him down. Trickery, but at least I had some time to myself to contemplate life and watch gay porn.
(And let me just say that if you STRAIGHT porn guys would jack off in your vids, I wouldn't be reduced to watching the gay guys do it. NOT that there's anything wrong with it.....sigh.)

Jenny sends this email: "Goddess, I was in church last weekend and a woman brought her three very unruly children with her to the Mass and they sat right in front of me, misbehaving the entire tie. Should I have changed seats? Informed her of the fully staffed nursery? Or asked the pastor to speak with her about controlling her children better?"
Wow. For the first time in my Goddessy advice giving life, I'm at a loss for words. You actually STAY for the Mass?! I've never done that before. I usually just take advantage of the free Sunday morning babysitting services offered in the nursery. I put on my robe and slippers, drop the offspring off at the church and before ya know I'm all snuggly warm in my bed again.
You should really try it. No annoying kids to get on your nerves.
And no confusing, guilt ridded mixed messages from the Pope to deal with.
(Bet ya didn't expect THAT emoticon, huh?!)
But, I'll ask around, try to find a mother who actually stays for the Mass and get back to ya with an answer.

Well, I totally grounded the offspring for two weeks. Yes, every blessed one of them. Even little Male Offspring #8, who is only 12 months old. I found out that they were planning to pool their money and buy me one of those Life Alert necklaces for Christmas. You know, the "help, I've fallen and I can't get up!" Life Alert necklaces?! Naturally when they told me they were going to buy me something informative, something I really needed and something I'd enjoying playing with, I ASSumed they meant a laptop!!

I was grocery shopping yesterday and I thought about Crickett. Why? Not because I wanted to sex her up in the frozen food aisle. I can wait till we get out to the car for that. No sense freezing our tits off.  
And now that you have the visual of two chicks getting it on in your brains, allow me to continue with this oh so fascinating story......
I thought of her because the cashier handed me one of those stupid computer
generated coupons for $1 off Turkey Hill iced tea, and Crickett has an unhealthy obsession with Turkey Hill.
(The iced tea, not the actual Hill.)
But why do they always give you coupons for shit you never use? They gave me $4 off a carton of Winston cigarettes, when EVERYBODY knows I smoke Marlboros.
I like the Marlboros with Extra Tar for that cancery good flavor.

i was listening to Oprah's sermon--I mean conversation--on After the Show Sunday afternoon. She was talking to members of her audience who brought flood evacuees back to live at their homes and rambling on about how the flood is an "opportunity" to 'extend yourself' in "kindness and compassion." She says, "I didn't do that because that's a lot of responsibility." Then, in the smug, uppity tone that only Oprah uses, she adds, "Besides, if someone moved in with me, I don't know when they'd ever want to leave." Could she BE any more stuck on herself? No, seriously, COULD SHE?!
For someone who TALKS spirituality, she's all about the STUFF, IMHO.

What in GOD's NAME was Kevin Trudeau thinking when he asked Tammy Faye Baker to host the infomercial about his book, Natural Health Cures They Don't Want You To Know About?! No offense to Tammy since I know she's been ill recently, but good GAWD, man, even in excellent health the woman looks ghastly.
Every time I see her I want to scream, "STEP AWAY FROM THE MASCARA!!!!"

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