Wednesday, September 28, 2005

big guns are pointed at me big guns are pointed at you

Ok, ladies, you know how sometimes you don't feel your prettiest or
your skinnest and your guy wants to have sex anyway?
(What is WRONG with him?! Doesn't he know we can only have sex on days when we're perfect?!)
Being the resouceful chicks that you are, you cleverly throw a red scarf over the lamp or do it in the dark. Well throw away those red scarves and screw those lightbulbs back in. I have come up with THEE PERFECT addition to your sex toy chest: the fog machine! Think about it. They're only about $20 (on sale now at Wally World), they're perfect for acting out those "sex on the Moors" fantasies we ALL have, AND if you crank it up to "high" you could be 50 pounds heavier and your guy would never even know. And, as an added bonus, you'll BOTH be sleeping in the wet spot(s).

There I was last night, listening to Gotta Have Gospel 3 and minding my own business, when the offspring staged what they called an "exercise intervention" for me. Oh they surrounded me with their thigh masters, jump ropes and hula hoops in hand because they feel I'm not exercising enough. I said, "Look you ungrateful brats, I exercised for the first 25 years of my life, so I figure I can coast on through the next 25. Now get the hell away from my Hover Round so I can drive out to the kitchen and get something to eat! Anybody that doesn't move in three seconds will have scooter tracks on their backs!!"

Did anybody happen to notice the news footage of Cindy Sheehan being arrested in Washington? She was smiling widely and ya know why? Cuz she was being CARRIED off by two of Washington's finest. (And I mean guys who put the "fine" in "finest"!!)
I can only hope that if I'm ever arrested, it'll be by a couple of gorgeous hunks,
who feel the need to strip search me.......against the hood of their car.....while
parked on a deserted road in the woods. Ok, I'm finished.

Apparently Mr. Ed has been accessing my site again. How else would you
explain the search string, "Shoe me women that can make me pop my nuts"??

Jon Stewart was talking about Georgia gubner Sonny Perdue's
plan to close school for two days to save on fuel. Stewart said, "It's all part of
Georgia's new education policy, "Every Child Left Behind."
Oh, one other HILARIOUS thing Jon said was when he was talking about Anna Nicole taking her case before the Supreme Court. He said, 'You know she had sex with the Crypt Keeper?"

There's one movie about to be released that I KNOW I won't go to see, Waiting. GROSS. When that chick bitched about her steak and the waiter said, "I'll take care of this for you," and he carted it back to the kitchen.....ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwww. I knew what was coming.

I handed Mr. G the grocery list for the week, which included several bags of Halloween candy. He said, "You've had Halloween candy on the list for the last three weeks in a row. Where is it? Are the offspring eating it?"
I'm like, "Yeah, yeah, the offspring are eating it. Bad, bad offspring. Oh, nd don't come home without the Nestle's Peanut Butter Treasures. They're my--I mean, the offspring's--favorite."

What's with Oprah's ugly new hairstyle? Just when I got used to that poodle dog look she was sporting, now she shows up with what can best be described as the Midge meets Mary Titler Moore look. Remember Midge? Barbie's best pal way back when....I was little? Oprah's hair is flattened out, then parted on the side and flipped up on the ends. Add to that, really short to the side bangs.

I always read the "Ask the Doctor" column in the newspaper, even though, at times, he doesn't seem to be the sharpest scapel on the tray. Someone asked him the difference between moles and warts. He descibed moles as being flat and usually symetrical, then he said warts "look warty."
Well that certainly clears things up, doesn't it? No doubt he describes cancer as "looking cancery."

AHA!! My webBOY's url .....I love it! BWAHAHAHAHA!

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