Friday, September 30, 2005

it's not a secret anymore what you keep me around for

And once again, in honor of Hallowed Ween, I shall be writing all of this month's posts with a gnarled finger dipped in blood. But not MY gnarled finger, cuz that would just be gross. And apparently it will be wasted on Blogger, cuz I can't find any text colors other than black. Sigh.
*rummages through her collection of gnarled fingers looking for the right one*Nope, too arthritisy.
Nope, too hairy.
Nope. too stinky. God only knows where that one has been.
Let the pissing and moaning begin...

Stressed out mothers the world over mourned yesterday
when Leo Sternbach, the inventor of Valium died.
Said one Valium dependent mother (aka me): "I would never be the mom
I am today if it weren't for Leo Sternbach........................and Jack Daniels."

I finally found out that the name of the guy I love so much
from the Capital One ads is Nate Torrence.

Forget "gittin' 'er done." Larry the Cable Guy is coming to my little
corner of the world and tickets are FORTY ONE DOLLARS for the entire arena. That's insane.

Apparently Martha Stewart's new daytime show isn't faring so well in the ratings. And here's why: "In an effort to reconnect with viewers, Stewart has sought to soften her image in her new shows, appearing friendly and more humorous in contrast to her reputation as a stern taskmaster." And therein lies the rub, people . Martha Stewart is FAR from friendly and we all know it. Plus, the only thing worse than not being friendly is not being able to FAKE friendly, and Martha can NOT fake friendly. You can almost hear her teeth grinding with every insincere laugh. Like the other day when she chastized Mario Whatshisface from Sex and the City. You just knew she was going to comment on his yelling. I swear I expected her to say, "Inside voices only, Mario."

I saw some of David Spade's new show on Comedy Central, which
is a SAD rip off of The Daily Show. Hell they couldn't even make Harry Reems' commentary on porn funny. They even try (and fail BADLY)
to do the same sort of dead pan interviews The Daily Show is known for.

Saw a bit of Ashley Smith on Oprah. Guh. Lord I HATE it when people fall into 15 minutes of fame and try to turn it into a career. Ashley is the woman who was taken hostage by Brian Nichols, the man who opened fire in a Georgia courtroom. Ashley is doubly disgusting because she's trying to play the Jesus card. When Oprah asked her if she intended to visit Nichols in jail, because he requested that she do so, she started with that "If God puts it upon my heart to do so..." bullshit.
[Then she went on to say she had friends in jail that she never visited. ]
OH LORD I HATE IT when people talk that way,
which means when *I* go on Oprah, I'm totally talking that way.
Oprah just eats that Jesus/God/seatofthesoul/I'vefoundmyself shit up.
"I really only wanted one child, Oprah, but God told me to spread my legs, so I did. I mean, I never would have done it on my own, but God put it upon my--you know, "down there" --to do so,
and I thought "who am I to ignore God"? Or a hot guy willing to boink me for that matter?
BTW, Oprah, Jesus said to tell you He hates that Midge do you're sporting. And I wasn't going to say anything, but the Virgin Mary said that pink skirt you wear makes your butt look fat. Me-ow."
The interesting thing was when Ashley admitted she gave Nichols some of her drugs, after assuring her family that she was finished with drugs. Oh, and FYI, she didn't tell the cops about the drugs at all, what you'd call a "lie of omission." I'm not really sure what book I read it in---I think it was something called "The Bible"--but there was something in there about lying being a sin.
I know that we all sin, but it SUPER annoys me when these oh so righteously holy people ramble on and on about Jesus and God, all the while ignoring their own blatantly un-God like behaviors.

My webBOY's url....

Thursday, September 29, 2005

she's deviously dirty

Ahhh, seven days of bliss!! Let the fun begin!!

"How to butt fuck" was a google search string on my stats today. So let me tell ya
how to butt fuck. It all begins with a big ole bottle of Jack Daniels, and it all
ends with you waking up with a strange sheep in your bed---well not so strange anymore. And that, my friends, are the finer points of butt sex. Baaaaaaa.

There's a local restaurant that advertises using this slogan, "Feed your heart and your soul." Pfft. I go to Denny's to feed my soul because nothing says "you are in the flow of Life" like Moons Over My Hammy.

Walmart is selling Candyland for only $3.50 this week. Damn you, Walmart. You're creating an entirely new generation of Queen Frostine addicts!!

The city cops in my area are sponsoring a new educational program that is for the public. It's an attempt to better relations between the public and cops, and --HELLO!--I've been trying to better my relations with cops for EONS now. Anywho, they plan to teach the public about their jobs and even let them see a faux traffic stop. There's only one condition for the class--you have to live within the city limits. Does Goddess live within the city limits? Noooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

I was watching Mad TV yesterday afternoon, and they had "CLOPS," a claymation version of COPS and it was hysterical. They had the hand gestures and the pre-interviews down PERFECTLY.
First the CLOPS were called to GI Joe and Barbie's trailer, where Joe was drunk off his ass and Barbie was a screaming shrew with her hair in curlers.
Then they arrested Gumby, who was robbing a store. He was cursing and swearing at them the entire time and they laughingly informed him they were taking him to the "pokey."
But the funniest part was when the CLOPS pulled Santa and his elves over for a traffic violation. The CLOP tells Santa he wants to look in the trunk of his sleigh and he says,
"So if I open that trunk, I'm not going to find anything I don't like, right?"
I burst out laughing when he said that, because if you've EVER watched COPS, you know it was a perfect dead on imitation of the real cops. But when Santa replied, "Well, officer, it's my wife's sleigh," I was LMAO.
They opened the trunk and found packets of white stuff that Santa "claimed" was nothing more than snow from the North Pole. The CLOPS thought otherwise and they threw Santa down on the ground and cuffed him. Then the CLOP started reading Santa his rights, "You're under arrest.
You have the right to remain silent and you better not pout..."
If you haven't seen any of the CLOPS eps and IF YOU HAVE A CABLE/HS CONNECTION, (unlike moi) you can view some of the eps here....

I was watching The Young and the Restless on Thursday, and Victoria, who is 30ish, asks Brad, who is 40ish to come to her place because she has a new Coldplay CD and perhaps he'd like to listen to it with her. I'm like, "WTF??!" Inviting a guy over to listen to a record with you?
That's like grade school crap. What's she gonna do next?
Invite him over for S'mores and a pajama party?
Of course, the minute I heard the band, Coldplay, I IMMEDIATELY
thought of South. That's his all time favorite band. "Yellow" being his al time fav CP song.

I saw the live season opener of Will & Grace. Eh. It was ok. I was shocked to see how heavy Alex Baldwin is. He looks like he's a good 50 or 60 pounds heavier than normal.

I also watched "Everybody Hates Chris." It was funny in places, but not a laugh riot by any means. It's amazing, though, how adding music to a tv show makes it seem much better than it is. I was disappointed, though, I admit it. I guess I just expected better things. Chris Rock is hilarious, and this was far from hilarious.

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

big guns are pointed at me big guns are pointed at you

Ok, ladies, you know how sometimes you don't feel your prettiest or
your skinnest and your guy wants to have sex anyway?
(What is WRONG with him?! Doesn't he know we can only have sex on days when we're perfect?!)
Being the resouceful chicks that you are, you cleverly throw a red scarf over the lamp or do it in the dark. Well throw away those red scarves and screw those lightbulbs back in. I have come up with THEE PERFECT addition to your sex toy chest: the fog machine! Think about it. They're only about $20 (on sale now at Wally World), they're perfect for acting out those "sex on the Moors" fantasies we ALL have, AND if you crank it up to "high" you could be 50 pounds heavier and your guy would never even know. And, as an added bonus, you'll BOTH be sleeping in the wet spot(s).

There I was last night, listening to Gotta Have Gospel 3 and minding my own business, when the offspring staged what they called an "exercise intervention" for me. Oh they surrounded me with their thigh masters, jump ropes and hula hoops in hand because they feel I'm not exercising enough. I said, "Look you ungrateful brats, I exercised for the first 25 years of my life, so I figure I can coast on through the next 25. Now get the hell away from my Hover Round so I can drive out to the kitchen and get something to eat! Anybody that doesn't move in three seconds will have scooter tracks on their backs!!"

Did anybody happen to notice the news footage of Cindy Sheehan being arrested in Washington? She was smiling widely and ya know why? Cuz she was being CARRIED off by two of Washington's finest. (And I mean guys who put the "fine" in "finest"!!)
I can only hope that if I'm ever arrested, it'll be by a couple of gorgeous hunks,
who feel the need to strip search me.......against the hood of their car.....while
parked on a deserted road in the woods. Ok, I'm finished.

Apparently Mr. Ed has been accessing my site again. How else would you
explain the search string, "Shoe me women that can make me pop my nuts"??

Jon Stewart was talking about Georgia gubner Sonny Perdue's
plan to close school for two days to save on fuel. Stewart said, "It's all part of
Georgia's new education policy, "Every Child Left Behind."
Oh, one other HILARIOUS thing Jon said was when he was talking about Anna Nicole taking her case before the Supreme Court. He said, 'You know she had sex with the Crypt Keeper?"

There's one movie about to be released that I KNOW I won't go to see, Waiting. GROSS. When that chick bitched about her steak and the waiter said, "I'll take care of this for you," and he carted it back to the kitchen.....ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwww. I knew what was coming.

I handed Mr. G the grocery list for the week, which included several bags of Halloween candy. He said, "You've had Halloween candy on the list for the last three weeks in a row. Where is it? Are the offspring eating it?"
I'm like, "Yeah, yeah, the offspring are eating it. Bad, bad offspring. Oh, nd don't come home without the Nestle's Peanut Butter Treasures. They're my--I mean, the offspring's--favorite."

What's with Oprah's ugly new hairstyle? Just when I got used to that poodle dog look she was sporting, now she shows up with what can best be described as the Midge meets Mary Titler Moore look. Remember Midge? Barbie's best pal way back when....I was little? Oprah's hair is flattened out, then parted on the side and flipped up on the ends. Add to that, really short to the side bangs.

I always read the "Ask the Doctor" column in the newspaper, even though, at times, he doesn't seem to be the sharpest scapel on the tray. Someone asked him the difference between moles and warts. He descibed moles as being flat and usually symetrical, then he said warts "look warty."
Well that certainly clears things up, doesn't it? No doubt he describes cancer as "looking cancery."

AHA!! My webBOY's url .....I love it! BWAHAHAHAHA!

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

i decided quickly to disco down and check out the show

Goddess' Hot(t) Cop O'The Week Award goes to:
Sgt. Louie Burkhard of the Albuquerque, NMPD.

Damn it. The nitwit timekeeper "ACCIDENTALLY" added 52 seconds to the last quarter of the Steeler game on Sunday. Coincidence OR conspiracy?? Where's Beater when I need him? (Stuck in a friggin' time warp, that's where.) Ok I'll answer the q myself. Since the Steeler's lost and it was sooooo close, it's a conspiracy. If they would have won, it would undoubtedly have been a coinkydink.

I see Kathy Griffin has filed for divorce from her husband Matt Moline. I feel bad for them. Not the least bit surprised, but bad none the less. I always feel bad when a marriage ends,
because it always begins with such promise.
Anybody watching Life on the D List could see that, although they got along well, Kathy and Matt had two completely different value systems.
Kathy was all about the shallow material stuff with which to impress people--like the perfect house, the perfect hair, the perfect makeup and the perfect clothes. Matt was nothing like that.
He looked like he was bored to tears being her suitcase pimp.
Kathy really should have saved herself the trouble and just married a drama queen gay guy.
She's perfectly suited for one, and Lord knows they'd like the same things.
I think it takes a certain kind of Federline-ish type guy to just ride your wife's coat tails, and Matt didn't seem like that sort of guy at all. Oddly enough, I remember thinking when I read that Matt had immediately gone to Louisiana to help flood victims that it was amazing he and Kathy were still married because they had such life goals. He seemed to be about helping others and she seemed to be about Hollywood and little else.
But any way ya slice it, I like them and I wish them both well.

I saw a dude on tv talking before the Saints football game and he said, "The people of Louisana have gone through more in one month that anyone in the history of the world. "
Hmm, I'm guessing a few people known as THE JEWS might not agree.

I went to visit my uncle today and he said, "You never come to visit me now that I'm in an old folk's home."
I said, "No, now let's be fair. I never really came to visit you much BEFORE you moved into the old folk's home, so don't try to make me out to be the bad gal all of a sudden."

In the process of checking out my email yesterday morning, I logged onto Yahoo and saw this, "ABC, CBS Secretly Searching for Anchors." How much of a friggin' SECRET can it be if
it's one of the lead stories on Yahoo?

I didn't sit through much of the second episode of "How I Met Your Mother," and I probably won't watch it again. It was much too repetitive. And booooooring. I'm not wild about wimpy male characters who chase after women, and act sappy and stupid, all in the name of "love". The first day he met this chick, the guy told her that he loved her. That's not romantic so much as stalkerish. And I don't mean fun stalkerish, I mean creepy stalkerish. When I find myself I wanting to yell "Grow a pair!!" at the characters onscreen, I know it's not a show for me.

Wow. I saw something on COPS the other afternoon that I've never seen before. There was a male and female partnership and the female DROVE. Sure, the male cop kept grabbing the dashboard in a death grip, but he let her drive while the camera was on and that's all that matters.
Another interesting thing seen & heard on COPS--I heart it when the black guys
yell, "I shoulda kilt your black ass" to other black guys.

Oprah makes no secret of the fact that she's a big Tom Cruise fan, and vice versa, so I sensed a LOT of coolness on Oprah's part yesterday when Brooke Shields was defending herself against the pro antidepressants stand she took. And I sensed Brooke was choosing her words very carefully. I felt like Oprah hung her out to dry--you know that "The Queen is not pleased" LOOK Oprah gives--and although I wouldn't personally want to take antid's, Brooke had the right to do it without criticism from Tom Cruise. In her written retort, Brooke made some comment about Tom sticking to what he knew best--killing aliens (his movie War of the Worlds had just come out) and Oprah brought the comment up and tried to Brooke look like a nutjob. But the line was damn funny and very appropo if ya axe me.

My webCLOWN's url.....

Monday, September 26, 2005

back off i'll take you on headstrong to take on anyone

The Steelers played a 4:15 game on Sunday afternoon. I came home from work at 5:45 to find Mr. G standing on the front porch to greet me. I thought that was so sweet of him to let me know he missed me.
Then he said, "Honey, it's half time. Let the tradition continue!"
Yeah, he missed me. Me and my cocksucking lips.

Sigh. C.P. told me he typed the words "how to use sarcasm in writing" in the ask jeeves search engine and my site came up #5 out of a possible 308,000+ hits. Well fine. I'm just gonna head over to that site and ask jeeves why C.P. is such an ass. Brrrrray.
Whatever. Jesus loves me and His opinion is all I care about.
Well, His opinion and the opinion of hot(t) cops everywhere.
(Take THAT, C.P.!!)

I was flipping channels today and saw a few minutes of Martha Stewarts new a.m. talk show. The audience was comprised of 900 women and two guys who, I can only assume, lost some sort of bet with their wives.
Anywho, Martha had Mario Whatshisname from Sex in the City and he has a tendency to yell when he gets all excited. Halfway through their little interview, Martha says, "And did you yell at home?"
Poor Mario was suitably chastised and didn't yell anymore and I turned the channel because yelling is what makes him funny, damn it. Martha should have been a friggin' nun.
The only thing that was missing was rapping the ruler across Mario's knuckles.
BUT I do have to tell you that Martha started out the show demonstrating FOLDING TECHNIQUES!!
And not just t shirt folding techniques, but pants AND fitted sheets! WOW!!!
Does it GET more exciting than that?!

I was reading an interview with a doctor who is new to our region. He's of Indian descent and for some reason all the Indian doctors seem to migrate to OUR teeny weeny PA town. Don't ask me why they come all the way from Dehli, India to this particular spot on the map, but I can only assume it has something to do with our lack of ability to check out their references properly.
I SWEAR the criteria for each medical job in our area hospital is the same: "must be
able to mangle the English language and bitterly confuse patients."
NuIndian doctor says that he was a surgeon, until he "realized" psychiatry was his "true calling."
You know what that means, right?
That means so many people died on the operating table in India that he couldn't afford
his malpractice insurance so he buried himself in some backwater PA town.
Welcome to my world.

Felipe sent me an email entitled, "Goddess, lose weight quickly."
I sent Felipe an email entitled, "Felipe, shove it up your ass.

Never let it be said that old age is screwing with Rod Stewart's sense of good taste. In an interview in Sunday's newspaper, they asked Rod, "what makes you really angry?"
His response: "My five children whom I love very much make me crazy."
[Notice how he was careful to get that love disclaimer in there?? That's cuz he's getting old enough that he has to worry about said children slapping him in a home.]
" daughter Ruby who is 18 is staying with me, but she's letting her dog poop everywhere and that makes me really angry."
Oh puhleeze. He's so damn rich he could clean that poop up with his money and never miss it. [The money, not the poop.]
But I say to you this day, Mr. Stewart, when your small offspring walk around the house, ripping off their diaper and pooping on your couch because their older siblings taught them that it was "funny,"
then we'll FUCKING TALK!!!!

And now, for no reason whatsoever, my webPIMP's url.

Sunday, September 25, 2005

girl you know it's just a show

I got to spend some quality time with Female Offspring #1 the last time she was home. We went outside at night, laid on a blanket and looked at the stars for awhile. It was peaceful and rather awesome. She said, "Mom, you know what I like about life? There are times things are going well, and you feel like you are one with Life, flowing and moving as it moves. Other times, when you think things are so bad that you'll never get out of the mess you're in, something wonderful happens--sometimes overnight--and your whole perspective changes."
I said, "Honey, you know what I like about life? Cake. Soooooometimes pie. Mostly cake." Sigh. I love our deep mother/daughter conversations.

Damn it. When Mr. G is home with Holly, she has no problem going outside and spending the entire day out there. When I'm home, she's stuck to me like a sticky thistle on felt. The only way I could get her outside the other day was to put on a tape of COPS. The instant she heard the K-9 dog barking, she went to the window and tried to catch a whiff of his scent. When that didn't work, she insisted on going outside to track him down. Trickery, but at least I had some time to myself to contemplate life and watch gay porn.
(And let me just say that if you STRAIGHT porn guys would jack off in your vids, I wouldn't be reduced to watching the gay guys do it. NOT that there's anything wrong with it.....sigh.)

Jenny sends this email: "Goddess, I was in church last weekend and a woman brought her three very unruly children with her to the Mass and they sat right in front of me, misbehaving the entire tie. Should I have changed seats? Informed her of the fully staffed nursery? Or asked the pastor to speak with her about controlling her children better?"
Wow. For the first time in my Goddessy advice giving life, I'm at a loss for words. You actually STAY for the Mass?! I've never done that before. I usually just take advantage of the free Sunday morning babysitting services offered in the nursery. I put on my robe and slippers, drop the offspring off at the church and before ya know I'm all snuggly warm in my bed again.
You should really try it. No annoying kids to get on your nerves.
And no confusing, guilt ridded mixed messages from the Pope to deal with.
(Bet ya didn't expect THAT emoticon, huh?!)
But, I'll ask around, try to find a mother who actually stays for the Mass and get back to ya with an answer.

Well, I totally grounded the offspring for two weeks. Yes, every blessed one of them. Even little Male Offspring #8, who is only 12 months old. I found out that they were planning to pool their money and buy me one of those Life Alert necklaces for Christmas. You know, the "help, I've fallen and I can't get up!" Life Alert necklaces?! Naturally when they told me they were going to buy me something informative, something I really needed and something I'd enjoying playing with, I ASSumed they meant a laptop!!

I was grocery shopping yesterday and I thought about Crickett. Why? Not because I wanted to sex her up in the frozen food aisle. I can wait till we get out to the car for that. No sense freezing our tits off.  
And now that you have the visual of two chicks getting it on in your brains, allow me to continue with this oh so fascinating story......
I thought of her because the cashier handed me one of those stupid computer
generated coupons for $1 off Turkey Hill iced tea, and Crickett has an unhealthy obsession with Turkey Hill.
(The iced tea, not the actual Hill.)
But why do they always give you coupons for shit you never use? They gave me $4 off a carton of Winston cigarettes, when EVERYBODY knows I smoke Marlboros.
I like the Marlboros with Extra Tar for that cancery good flavor.

i was listening to Oprah's sermon--I mean conversation--on After the Show Sunday afternoon. She was talking to members of her audience who brought flood evacuees back to live at their homes and rambling on about how the flood is an "opportunity" to 'extend yourself' in "kindness and compassion." She says, "I didn't do that because that's a lot of responsibility." Then, in the smug, uppity tone that only Oprah uses, she adds, "Besides, if someone moved in with me, I don't know when they'd ever want to leave." Could she BE any more stuck on herself? No, seriously, COULD SHE?!
For someone who TALKS spirituality, she's all about the STUFF, IMHO.

What in GOD's NAME was Kevin Trudeau thinking when he asked Tammy Faye Baker to host the infomercial about his book, Natural Health Cures They Don't Want You To Know About?! No offense to Tammy since I know she's been ill recently, but good GAWD, man, even in excellent health the woman looks ghastly.
Every time I see her I want to scream, "STEP AWAY FROM THE MASCARA!!!!"

Saturday, September 24, 2005

i am the one down on my knees

Hee Haw: "You're so ugly, you had to trick or treat over the phone."

Goddess' Hot(t) Cops O'The Week Award goes to two sexy cops from Las Vegas: Officer Patrick Burke of the Las Vegas Metro PD, South Central Area and Officer Christopher Curtis of the Las Vegas Metro PD, Northeast Area.
I liked Officer Burke's face and muscular butt and Officer Curtis' face (he's much better looking on TV, than in that pic, btw), muscular butt and "bedside" manner. I liked the way he dealt with the woman he stopped. Instead of just hauling her ass off to jail for drugs, Officer Curtis took the time to talk to her and he didn't talk down to her.
Here's something you might not know about Officer Curtis, he's the co-author of a book entitled "M.A.C.K. Tactics: Volume" , which is a complete course of self-improvement for the modern man.
What makes him qualified to write this book? He's a former hostage negotiator.
Hell, if that don't qualify him, nothing does.
The book covers it all, "from the fashion to the passion," taking readers on a step-by-step journey towards achieving their full masculine potential." This makes the whole "do you know how many break ups I've gone through?" line from last week rather comical now. Gee, if only somebody could give Officer Curtis a book on achieving his full masculine potential? Perhaps a book that includes advice on dating and "connecting with women on a deeper, more stimulating level"? Just a thought.

Gawd, I live in a hick town. On the front of the newspaper was the headline, "TV Star in Upcoming Stage Production!!" and I thought, "hmm, wonder who the star is?" They were referring to tv "star" John Davidson.
Yeah maybe he was a tv star when Love American Style was on. Oy.

Amber Frey, who was recently speaking to a group of women on how they can get over tragedy in their lives, has recently learned that the man she thought was the father of her child is not the father. Yes, this is indeed a woman who should be counseling other women on getting their lives together. What next? The Runaway Bride chick will become a wedding planner?

Professor Kenneth Matthews, professor of the Old Testament at an Alabama Divinity School points out a few flaws in the Bible, such as this one: supposedly vegetation was created on Day 3, while the sun, which is necesary for life, was created on Day 4. So what exactly is the great professor saying? That God goofed things up?! Well I sure as hell am not going to be the one to tap God on the shoulder and say, "Ha ha! Screwed it up, Big Guy! Next time You're creating a new world, lay off da booze!"

My webPIMP's url...

Friday, September 23, 2005

you make me feel like the amazons runnin between my thighs

Carl writes: "my wife & i are having difficulty becoming pregnant. you have 16. any suggestions for us?" Well first of all, Carl, I hate to say this but no matter how hard you try, you aren't going to get pregnant, so give that whole "we" shit up right now. That having been said, what works really well for me is screaming, "IF I GET PREGNANT ONE MORE TIME I'M GONNA TO KILL MYSELF!!!" right before I have sex.Not only does it ensure that I get knocked up every time, but it also adds to the romantic ambiance.

Let the butt sex jokes begin.... Did you read about the Cardinal who broke his vow of secrecy and released his diary which described the voting process that elected the new pope? Here's an excerpt from that diary: "Dear Diary, Last night I sexed up three altar boys. They were rightously holy in more ways than one and I---" oops, wrong entry. Here goes: "Sunday, April 17: In the afternoon I took over my room at the Casa Santa Marta. I put down my bags and tried to open the blinds because the room was dark. I wasn't able to. One of my fellow brothers asked a nun working there, thinking it was a technical problem. She explained they were sealed so we could have great ass sex without anyone seeing--" whoops. Wrong entry again. Anywho, basically all it proved was that Pope Benedict was a "come from behind" win. BWAHAHAHAHA.

My webPIMP's url.....

Thursday, September 22, 2005

he drowns in his dreams an exquisite extreme i know

Cartman: Our band should play Christian rock! Think about it. It's the easiest, crappiest music in the world, right? If we just play songs about how much we love Jesus, all the Christians will buy our crap." Kyle: "That's a retarded idea, Cartman."
Cartman:"It worked for Creed."
I love that quote....

C.P. was here this afternoon when the offspring came home from school. He was amazed at what he saw. He said, "Wow. You made a point to get up and hug each one of your offspring as they came through the door. You must really love them."
I didn't have the heart to tell him I was really patting them down for cigarettes and drug paraphernalia...

Maxxx Beaver from O Cana-da writes: " Goddess, Great minds think alike...I too see the resemblance to the female part we all thrive to please in one way or another...
Prudes, Prudes, Prudes are what your readers are...Shame on them!
Corrupt them some more will ya...geez! May the beaver be plentiful and your glass always full, Maxxx Beaver"
HA! Take *that*, people!
Thank you, Suh, it's nice to know I'm not the only perv on the planet.

I'm seriously considering getting a totally sex free blogger site. My sisters keep bellyaching that they want to see my writing, but I've never given anyone in my family the URL to my sites. I mean DUH. How many seconds would it take them to call my oh so Catholic mother and tell her all about it?? I already know all the reasons I'm going to Hell. I really don't need her to list any more.
I could yank 3/4's of my Deep Thoughts page and slap it up over there, but I'd have to be very careful what I talk about, and if there's one thing I hate, it's censoring myself. I catch myself doing it every now and then, when I--as Zal correctly called it--write for other people, instead of just writing for myself. Again that's something I try not to do either, but I do fall into that trap every so often. I'm still on the fence about this. My overwhelming feeling at this point is DON'T do it.

Could the fashion industry be any more hypocritical? They insist their models stay wafer thin, no matter what the cost to their health and emotional well being, and yet when someone like Kate Moss is seen doing coke, she's given the boot from several lucrative contracts. As IF she's the only model to do drugs to stay skinny. Nope, she's just the idiot that got caught.

My webPIMP's URL

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

smile like you mean it

Five of you said that this \*/ looks like a martini. BASTARDS!
(Wow. Who knew I had five readers?? And in only four a half short years...)
But I digress. Don't you people recognize a CROTCH when you see one?! The "asterik" is PUBIC HAIR, damn it!! If that was an ink blot I would SO blow you people out of the water with the RIGHT answer. Ok fine. So I'm the only one with the dirty mind.

Speaking of dirty minds, I stole this right from the link Zal posted, concerning the FBI going after porn now. "The new squad will divert eight agents, a supervisor and assorted support staff to gather evidence against "manufacturers and purveyors" of pornography -- not the kind exploiting children, but the kind that depicts, and is marketed to, consenting adults." Isn't it about time? I mean the MERE thought of consenting adults watching consenting adults in the privacy of their own homes, just SICKENS me. Clearly we need these politicians with their squeaky clean personal lives to tell us what we should be doing in our personal lives.

Ook, I'm stealing this directly from the COPS forum, cuz it's funny, damn it. This Somalian chick comes onto the forum and states that "95% of the MN police force are racest" --which, I usually spell "racist." So I said, "ok gives us some facts and figures to support your theory." Well she posts a story or two that involved like four MN cops and on that she's basing that 95% of the force are "racest." There's a bunch of us who have gone back and forth with her on this issue for a few days now, and basically she just calls everybody who disagrees with her a "racest."
Last night NVCOP posted this, which I thought was hilarious, esp. the part about the sensor tag: "I am sick of your racist assumptions. First off white people like myself, have it WAYYYYYY worse then any somali or minority for that matter.... IT sucks to be white... always sitting in THE FRONT of the bus... Ya know I wanna sit in the back where the cool people are.. Jusss once. And walking into a store and EVERYBODY just assumes you are going to pay for the merchandise.. Like IM not smart enough to get the sensor tag off. And when im in a bank, They JUST ASSUME!! I have good credit. Before even running my info.... Like Im gonna AUTOMATICALLY qualify for the lowest interest rate...... it sucks.. Soooo take your rascist rhetoric elsewhere, because some of us have it much tougher then you."

Kimmy emailed me and said she thought Mr. G was hot. She saw him while perusing
my fishing pics. Down, gurl. GET YOUR OWN MR. G!! (I got mine at Dollar General....$3) Damn. She didn't say one word about how hot I looked in those pics.

This is the sort of ridiculous lawsuit that grates on my nerves. A woman CHOSE to be on Extreme Makeover. They didn't come looking for her, she found them. Now she's suing because she said she was subjected to " needless humiliation" and {the show} "goaded her sister into insulting her appearance." The show informed her that she could be dropped at any time and she was dropped at the last minute because they felt her recovery time wasn't quick enough to fit into the show schedule. NOW she says she's too embarrassed to be seen in public. Why? Because some plastic surgeon, whose JOB it is to point out a person's imperfections, said she needed some work done? Well, DUH, she must have felt she needed some work done, too, or she wouldn't have applied to be on the show. She says the show also contributed to her sister's sucide. The sister coincidentally was bipolar, and didn't commit suicide until some four months after the cancellation. No matter what has happened, nothing will change the fact that she agreed to go on the show of her own free will. I can't imagine that going on ANY show where someone sits there and points out your flaws would be a barrel of laughs, but again, this was her decision. I don't mean to seem insensitive, but nobody forced her to do it, so I fail to see where it's ABC's fault. And I would think that being bipolar would have a lot more to do with killing yourself than your sister not getting new teeth and breast implants. I tend to think this is more about her being pissed off that she's not getting all that free plastic surgery and dental work. Reuters chose to approach the entire story in a very sensitive manner. Their story title was: " 'Ugly' woman sues TV show in death of sister ."

Hmm, my mood ring is turning black. C.P. must be in da house! (Or trailer, in this case.) C.P. stopped over with lunch: salami stuffed chicken. I'm sorry but I don't do meats that are stuffed with OTHER meats, especially not salami. That's overkill. Besides, do we even know what salami really is?

My webPIMP's URL

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

free with proof of purchase

Ok, people, tell me
what this looks like to you:   \*/

Lordy, I CAN'T WAIT FOR OCTOBER so I can drag out all my favorite
Halloweenie gifs and clip art. And you people KNOW how I heart Halloween,
despite the fact that Curious cited me for
excessive use of Halloween gifs a few years back.
This October's journal page promises to be better than ever.

Ok, I'm totally caught up on all my COPS eps now. I was three or four tapes behind. I love the way people keep proving me right about the number
one thing I've learned from watching COPS: " Never admit the truth. When you're caught in a lie, keep on lying. If you pile lie upon lie, you're bound to work your way out of it."
A police officer chased a stolen car and when they finally caught the driver,
the officer mentioned that the car was stolen.
Driver: "It's not stolen."
(Ok right off this is comical because the cop has already run the plate
and the car has already been reported stolen.
So once the cop uses the words "stolen car," give it up, people.)
Cop: "We both know that car is stolen. How did you start it?"
Driver: "With the key."
Cop: "There are no keys in the ignition."
Driver: "They fell on the floor during the chase."
Cop: "Explain this to me, if they fell on the floor, why is the car still running?"
Driver: "Obviously it's stolen."
If nothing else, COPS is really good for comic relief.
There was one guy on Sunday night's show, who was arrested while running around in a yellow g-string. Now this is the funny part--well only funny because I'm not a guy with my delicate genitals hanging out. The cops had him face down in the dirt, and he was partially behind a fence. The one cop said, "We'll just pull him out of there."
And they dragged him on his bare belly--and scantily covered genitals--for a few feet.
Can you say, "OWIE?"
It was comical, too, when the cop called in to report that they had arrested him. He's like,
"We're 61 with the naked guy," and you heard the dispatcher
say, "61 with the naked guy," like "the naked guy" was the suspect's name.
Then the one cop said, "Well I guess he's not concealing any weapons."

Ya know, once that carrot cake sat in the garbage
a few hours, it tasted pretty damn good.
(Not really. It still sucked...only this time I was desperate for sugar.)

My webPIMP's url....sigh.

david duchovney, i'm cute and i'm cuddly

I am so very proud of myself today. Our local grocery store has a bakery section that offers several different types of cakes--and you can buy one slice of any of them. I bought a slice of carrot cake with cream cheese icing this afternoon and discovered that it was stale. Instead of eating it and bitching, like I normally would, I THREW IT IN THE GARBAGE!! No way was I going to eat stale cake then be forced to exercise it off.
Of course I was very careful to put the lid on the cake tightly before I tossed it because I'll probably get it back
out of the garbage about 2 a.m. when I'm starving and eat it anyway, but hey
I think I made my point!

Mike South, pornographer and my webPERSON --hmm maybe I should change that to webPIMP??--writes:
"yer lucky i host you at all...with all the incessant drivel about cops drawing unnecessary attention to
me...I should boot your ass back onto homesuck or wherever the hell you
were...but then I see my name and all is forgiven...Im such a ho...."
Oh like the cops even READ my page. Well they do when they google themselves...

I watched the two new shows on CBS last night, How I Met Your Mother and Out of Practice, the latter starring Henry Winkler. How I Met was ok, nothing outrageously funny about it. It was a cutesy premise--the father of two teenagers is telling them the "really long" story of how he met their mother--and I imagine the same kind of people who liked Friends will like this. I liked Out of Practice, about a family of different types of doctors, also starring Stockard Channing. It was nice to see Henry Winkler back on tv in a fairly decent role. It occured to me as I was watching these shows that I haven't been hooked on a network sitcom in a looooooooooong time.

(2:15 p.m.) On the Bold and the Beautiful, Bridget is engaged to Nick, but Nick has the hots for Brooke, Bridget's mother. After a night of wild sex, Bridget tells Nick, "I told my mother how great it was last night."
I couldn't discern was more grossed out: me or Nick.
Ok, telling your mother about your sex life is just WRONG.
I don't care how wild your monkey sex was, I don't care how many screaming O's you had, YOU DO NOT TELL YOUR MOTHER ABOUT YOUR SEX LIFE. It's sick, people. Post it on the internet for all the world to see or slap it on a billboard if you must, but DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT TELL MOM.
I mean, think about it. If you tell your mother about YOUR sex life, don't you think at some point, she's going to start telling you about HER sex life? Possibly about how HOT your DAD is in bed? Trust me, if my mother so much as HINTS at my dad and any sort of nakedness I immediately evacuate the premises. I'm scarred enough as it is growing up in that looney bin. I don't need the horror to continue.

WOW. Can ya tell I'm behind on my COPS eps?
Even MORE winners of the Goddess' Hot Cops (and Deputies) O'The Week Award:
Deputy Grant Hendersonof the Palm Beach County Sheriff's Department
in Florida (gawd, I HEART those shaved heads!!!!); Sgt. Steve Zona of the
Jacksonville Police Department and
Officer David Elizarras of the Whitter, California Police Dept.

(11 a.m.) So Maxxx Beaver is talking about his webMASTER. I'm like, "dude, too much power!!
Don't call them webMASTERS, call them webPEOPLE or webPERSON."
But anywho, Maxxx has his webPERSON helping him move and rearrange the Lodge. I wonder if I can get MY webPERSON--Mike South--to help me out at the trailer. Perhaps he could do some cleaning?
Or even babysitting duties?
I think a few poo filled diapers would straighten the boy right out.

I listened to my Eurythmics Greatest Hits CD for hours last night. I love Annie's voice, and I don't think she ever got the acclaim she deserved. This CD is really good, too, cuz it's got all their best songs: Sweet Dreams, Love is a Stranger, I Need A Man, Who's That Girl?, Would I Lie To You? and one of my all time favs, Here Comes the Rain Again, among several others. I own several of their CD's and I gotta say, Annie and Dave wrote some of the best lyrics. Like the chorus of "Love is a Stranger" for instance, where she's describing love:
"It's guilt edged
Glamorous and sleek by design
You know it's jealous by nature
False and unkind
It's hard and restrained
And it's totally cool
It touches and it teases
As you stumble in the debris
And I want you
And I want you so it's an obsession"
I love her imagery.

Monday, September 19, 2005

david duchovney why won't you love me

I hate it when I MEAN to ftpee my Deep Thoughts page and instead
ftpee my Journal page before I'm even finished writing it. GUH.

Yesterday was my parent's anniversary. I think they've been married for
about 90 years. Nah, it just seems that way. Actually they've been married 65 years.
And there was only that one time when they tried to go at each other with knives.
Ok ok. She had a knife, he had a gun. Details. Details.
Other than that it's been pretty smooth sailing.

For some odd reason, every time I hear the word "margarita," I think of Zal.

Looking over some of my notes, I have a bunch of Hott Cops that I haven't mentioned, so I'm going to do so now. Please note that they are all hotttttties, cuttttties and so worth tackling. If you dare.
Sgt. Dennis Anderson, Officer Robert Cook and Officer Stephen Staal, all of the Indianapolis Speedway Police.
Deputy Erik Clarkson and Deputy Mark Goslig, both of Pierce County. ALLLLLL HOTTTTTIES!!!
Deputy Goslig has a GREAT accent, btw.

Kato Kaelin is coming back to tv.
And this time no one has been slaughtered. It's some sort of new show.
LOL..can ya tell I'm really interested?

My gf tells me her kids don't talk to her about anything. I don't understand it. I have great communication with my offspring. The minute they come through the door in the afternoon, I say, "How was school?"
And they say, "Fine."
Then I say, "You did go, right?"
Then we look at each other and laugh and laugh.
See? Talking to kids isn't difficult if you have the skills.

Damn. Those new Reese's PB cup cookies look mighty delish. It looks like they
start with a chocolate cookie filled with pb then dipped in milk chocolate.

Someone came to my site using the search string, "how do you make
meth for dummies?" Yeah, there's a book that's just begging to be written.

play that funky music, white boy

I went to bed last night around 2ish and crawled in bed with Mr. G. Rare. Usually I sleep on the air mattress because of my hip, but I was worried about the whole world situation and how I should handle it. In contrast Bush is probably sleeping like a baby, all snuggled up with his teddy & his binkie. I flipped and flopped about 45 minutes and finally Mr G rolls over and says, "What's wrong? Why aren't you sleeping?" I said, "Honey, I'm worried about the economy." And in his wonderfully comforting way, he says, "Quit worrying. I have to get up for work in about an hour. You can resume worrying about it then." But then he kissed me, snuggled me close and said, "Go to sleep. We'll talk about it when I get home from work." Ever since we were first married, if I'm scared about a situation, all I need from him is for him to say HE'S not worried about it and then I can relax. Yes, I have that much (blind) faith in the man. He's my rock for a reason, ya know. My friend David is the same way. If I talk to him and he tells me its ok, then I believe it. They're the only two men in my life that make me feel that way.

I had to literally push Holly outside this morning. The sun is shining and it's a gorgeous fall day in Pennsylvania, but for the first five or six days that I'm off this dawg sticks to me like glue. THEN on Thursday, when it's almost time for me to go back to work, she'll want outside. Friday she didn't go outside until 1:30 in the afternoon and she hadn't peed since 4 a.m.! That gurl has the whole bladder control thing goin' on. What really gets me is when I'm working this Sunday, without a doubt at some point Mr. G will call me and say, "Holly's been outside ALLLLLLL day." Grrrrrrrr!!

(12 a.m.) "once i was a boogie singer...playin in a rock and roll band..."

Ooooooo I am soooooo drunk on disco music right now. Mr. G went to bed early, so I slapped on my headphones and my Pure Disco 2 CD and I am dancing my BA-HIND off. I've been working on my novel since Friday--one night till four a.m.--and it's coming together well for me, so I was happpeeeeeeee. That high, combined with the lilting tones of "Macho macho man, I've got to be a macho man!" put me in a fine mood. All I need are a couple gay guys to dance with me. Holly keeps doing that confused dog thing. You know, where they tilt their head from side to side and look at you as if you've lost your friggin' mind?

"everybody get on the floor, let's dance....don't fight the feeling, give yourself a chance.."

There's an idiot over on the COPS forum who makes me laugh. Some jerk posted his thoughts about female cops and they were less than stellar. I commented on his comments, and now this idiot chick keeps jumping all over me as if I made the comments. She's obviously thicker than a four by four, and instead of just admiting she's posting to the wrong person, the twit keeps digging herself in deeper and deeper. I know it's wrong to be amused by people's stupidity and yet I am. Go figure.

"for the first time in history it's gonna start raining's raining men..."

Shit. I can't believe three days of my seven are gone already.
They zip by so fast, even when I try to stay up late and get up early.
What fun it would be to be so wealthy that I could stay home and write all the friggin' time.
I swear I sat down at the computer this afternoon around 3 and then next thing
I knew it was going on 8. It felt like five minutes had passed.

"last dance last chance for love......yes it's my chance for romance tonight."

My stomach churned when I listened to Bush talking about how much all this reconstruction is going to cost. If terrorists or even the weather drops another hit on us, how in the world will our economy sustain it?
We are so overextended with the war in Iraq, and the N.O. reconstruction may cost close to $200 billion.
It's all very frightening.

Sunday, September 18, 2005

and i still have my hands on the wheel

Happy Birthday to Crickett!! Now rub your legs together and make a wish....or maybe that IS the wish.

Today Mr. G got his first official half time blow job of the '05/'06 football season,
since I wasn't home last week. But rest assured, I made this one extra special.

Dish has a fantastically funny new commercial running. A woman enters the home of a friend and her purse flies out of her hands and sticks to the television set. She said, "What's that all about?" The other lady says, "Oh, that's my tv. It sucks. " Then you see a baby in a walker being pulled over to the tv, too, and she says, "yeah, it really sucks." Excellent. ad.

On one of the COPS' eps last night this lady was having trouble with an abusive boyfriend and she steps out of the car wearing leather head to toe--she's 40ish btw. The cop says, "Going to a disco night?" I burst out laughing when I heard that. She hesitated then said, "This is actually was a .....bluff.... to settle him down."
Oooooo, methinks they were gonna play crack da whip.

Saturday, September 17, 2005


Thanks, Keith! I love that.

*woof* *woof*

If you think the animals that have been affected by
Hurricane Katrina don't need your help, think again.
The dog near the end of the video on the roof of the SUV reminds me of Zal's sweety petey.

autumn leaves are falling

Ok, I'm a bitch but this amuses me greatly. This will be our neighbor's first autumn in the trailerpark. He moved in last December. Every day--EVERY DAY--for the last two weeks, he has taken his little leaf blower and spent over an hour blowing all the leaves from the edges of his yard down into the woods. Wait until the winds REALLY start blowing because we NEVER rake our leaves. We cut 'em up as mulch with the lawn mower, but mostly we--you guessed it--let 'em blow into the neighbor's yards. I almost feel bad for him.
One of our elderly neighbors said, "I lay awake at night worrying about these leaves."
I'm like, "Not me!"

I guess you all know by now that Britney gave birth to a baby boy. If Hollywood standards continue, she'll probably name him Marlboro Duracell.
Here's a pic of Brit pre-birthing experience. See how she's got that whole,
"I'm pregnant so the whole world needs to see my big ole belly" attitude goin' on?
And notice how she didn't worry about putting her childs needs first and give up
smoking? Because we all know a little tar and nicotine never hurt anyone!
Damn. I'm sensing some competition for that Mother of the Year award. 
I'm also sensing a nom for the Worst Dressed List.
Those boots totally clash with that belly.
thanks, Zal!

Courtney Love says she fully intends to make good on her promise to stay clean and sober and yet the judge has given her 180 days at a drug treatment facility for ....yep...violating the terms of her probation by taking drugs. Its very sad the way drugs take hold of a person and don't let go. The person I really feel for in this case is her daughter. She lost her dad and can't count on her mother.

Friday, September 16, 2005

because of you i'm ashamed of my life because it's empty

Whooo hoooooo! Is there some kind of law that states that all police officers named Perez have to be hott? First Officer Joey Perez, and now Officer Mike Perez. And let me just say to
Officer Mike Perez of Stafford Township, that I can't WAIT for November 2006!!
And to Linden police Officer Eric Calleja....
Here's a pic of all the men (and woman ) who appear on the calendar.
For next year's calendar, I suggest they LOSE THE SHORTS!! Too distracting.
Again a big thanks to Alex for telling me about the calendar and the best part of all is that it benefits the Special Olympics, which is the one charity that is near and dear to my heart, and the one I give to faithfully.
It's not too late for you to get your own copy.
And support a very good cause. Jilling material galore, gals.

Mr G got his first look at the calendar--couldn't miss it because it's "well hung"
right above the computer.
Mr G: "Where did THAT come from?!"
Me: "Honey, it's a calendar. For the new year," and I said that as if it explained everything. Then when I continued to get "the frown", I quickly added. "And great news! It benefits Special Olympics!!"
Mr. G: " Yeah, I'm sure that's who it's going to benefit." (hmm I was sensing some sarcasm here)
"If it's a calender, why do you have it there? You can't even SEE the dates. All you can see are the guys."
Me: "Really? Hadn't noticed. But if you really need to see dates,
check out the puppy calendar on the wall behind me."
But trust me, I know how to play this off for my own good. I gave him GREAT HEAD last night and I said, "See, honey? It pays to have pics of half naked men around!"

I'm majorly pissed about this whole computer thing. Remember I ordered what I THOUGHT was a fully loaded laptop, only to find out that it was nothing more than a $522 laptop case? Well, now the company is refusing to take it back. First I contacted the Better Business Bureau and filed a complaint and today I sent my credit card company on them and put the amount in dispute. I am NOT keeping this PIECE OF SHIT. They said once the package is opened on an ASUS computer, you can't return it. I don't know why. Not like I could actually USE the damn thing. They're the ones that sold it to me and falsely advertised it, they can take it back and deal with ASUS themselves
What really made me mad was when I contacted my credit card company when I first encountered problems, and they're like, "Well, lets just wait and see what they're going to do." Naturally, since I was paying interest on the amount. What did they care? Had that been my credit union credit card they would have been all over that computer company PRONTO. I'm ditching Citi Bank as soon as I can.

OMG. I bought some of the finest Belgian chocolate last night. And I KNOW it was really good because I paid $1 for only SEVEN OUNCES at Dollar General.

I'm going to be really busy at the rendering plant when I go back to work next week. I see road kill everywhere. Especially ground hogs. And they're all in that "I surrender" pose. Apparently the only animal who can safely cross the road is the chicken.

Zellweiger's already broken up with her old man after only four months? And she listed 'fraud" as the reason?
(In divorce lingo, fraud means "deception regarding a significant matter that led to the marriage and continued until the breakup.")
Ouch. How bout good old "irreconcilable differences"?
She's very quick to point out that it doesn't indicate anything about Kenny's character. And their reps added, "The miscommunication of the objective of their marriage at the start is the only reason for this annulment."
Miscommunication of the objective of their marriage? What kind of Hollywood double talk is that? What's the objective of most marriages? To freaking STAY married. And if they were so worried about the press as stated, why DIDN'T they just say "irreconcilable differences"? It's all veddy, veddy strange to me. Apparently Kenny isn't too keen on committment. He broke off his engagment in 1999 three weeks before the wedding. Hmm, wonder if it has something to do with Renee? I just find it odd especially when that the whole underweight thing came up so quickly after her marriage began.

Ok I'm pissed at Holly. I bought her a bag of Chicken Jerky Tenders. They're really THIN strips SUPPOSEDLY made of "3/4 pound of fresh chicken." Please. Our chicken isn't even made of real chicken. I gave her one and she ate it in like two seconds and was back for another one. I'm like , "Knock it off! I paid $2.97 a bag for those damn things. Don't eat them so fast. Suck on them or something, but MAKE THEM LAST!!"

The long absent Bugs writes: " I have elderly relatives that leave out the word "people". They just say "The Black". Actually, they don't say it.....they *whisper* it. Everytime they do, I just want to smash thier faces in."
Hey, at least your relatives have the decency--if you want to call it that--to whisper. Mine say it right out loud and you know how loud old people talk. UGH. Good to hear from ya.

Once again I sewed the head back onto Holly's "puppy," which as I've explained before is a slipper with the head of a Husky dog on it. When you give it to her, she grabs it in her teeth and thrashes it around. After watching her, do this, Mr. G said, "Why do I get the feeling that's what she'd do to the cats if she could get her paws on them?"

don't piss me off

I was reading Women's Day mag and they have a life coaching series from the woman who wrote my all time favorite book (NOT!!), "Do What You Love, the Money Will Follow." Do you know who would REALLY be ecstatic if that were true? The guys who sit in their room jacking off to porn all day. Hell, they'd be over the moon. And rightly so.

I think what I like most about Bush is that he's always for the working man. First he eased contracting quotas for small and minority businesses to funnel no-bid contracts in the New Orleans clean up to companies like Haliburton and Bechtel--aka his pals--and THEN he signs an executive order allowing federal companies to pay BELOW THE MINIMUM WAGE in the affected areas. I heart the way he supports the working man, ESPECIALLY in their time of need. They could really use that money to start over, but NOOOOO Bush has decided his friends need it more. And you know what they say, "you can never be too rich....."

i've got the power

DAMN IT!! I always miss the hot cops!! Last night there was a fire in the woods behind our house and Mr. G noticed it about dusk. He ran up through the woods to see what it was because there are businesses in that area, and he wasn't sure if they were back there burning. He yelled for me to call the fire company and he stayed there until they came. NATURALLY the cops came along with the fire truck. WHHAAAAAAAAA. And I missed them cuz I had to stay down at the house in case 911 called back while Mr. G stood up there and bullshitted with him! Sigh.

Phew! I was wrong. FX hasn't totally taken COPS from the schedule, but it's show times are suh-verely limited, thanks to That 70's Show reruns.

Just a word of warning. If you plan to buy the Heffalumps Halloween for your young children--I rented it for myself but hey, whatever slices your cheese--be forewarned: it's VERY SCARY.
I watched it the other night and I still have nightmares about it. Sure. You would think because it's Winnie the Pooh that it would be a fun movie, right? Wrong.
Here's why: Pooh ATE ALL THE CANDY!!!!!!!! That's right--THERE WAS NO CANDY!!!!Gawd, it gives me chills everytime I visualize him holding up that empty bucket of candy.

Wow. They had a story about my city on Yahoo a couple days ago.
Suffice it to say with everything going on in N.O. I knew it was coming. And that's all I'll be saying about that.

Sylvia Browne--da psychic--was on Montel Williams the other day, and I was watching her. First of all, every time I see Sylvia, I think if you were REALLY psychic, you'd know that blonde hair looks hideous. Of course, I have heard that Sylvia was the Patron Saint of Peroxide in a previous lifetime.
Secondly, people in the audience would stand up and say things like, "I'd like to know if my loved one has a message for me?" And Sylvia would pretend to be mentally dialing them up on her inner psychic hotline, then she'd say things like, "He wants you to know he's very happy." or "He's saying something about candles." or "He wants you to take care of your back."
Ok that last one was my favorite. The lady laughed and said, "Oh yeah he was always telling me that when he was alive." I thought, "Damn. If you only have one chance to contact your dead spouse, it would piss me off if Mr. G said something like "finish all those old eggs up before you eat the fresher ones!" or "stop leaving the hot water heater turned on," I'd kick his ass." I want answers to my questions. "Is Jesus as hot as He looks in His pics? And what's up with Mary? Has She lightened up at all since that whole getting lost in the Temple incident?"
But I do think it's really cool the way the dead people are just sitting around up there waiting for us--oh, I'm sorry "waiting for the PSYCHICS--to ask them for a message. James VanPragh was actually very good at this psychic stuff. If the dead person was say, oh I don't know DEAD and unavailable for comment, he'd say things like, "He sends you love. Love, love, love. He sends you love." Yeah, like a kindergarten kid couldn't come up with that.
BTW, that Mary and Joseph defense never works with mall cops. Once when I lost one or two or 13 of my offspring, I told the mall cop that I wasn't the only GOOD mom to lose her kids. Mary and Joseph lost Jesus because they thought He was with friends and relatives when really He was yakking it up in the Temple. And they didn't even find Him for THREE DAYS. It only took me a day and a half. So, don't fret Moms, losing your kids happens to the best of us.
(Us. Notice how I insinuate that I'm on par with Mary and Joseph in the parenting category?)

Why is it that old people feel like they can say whatever the hell they want and damn the consequences? Well, since you's because they know they don't have that long to live so it won't friggin matter if they piss people off. I was talking to my 89 year old uncle at "the home," and in the course of the conversation, he said, "I don't like the black people."
The. black. people. That turn of phrase slays me everytime I hear it. It just sounds so damn comical.
Normally I just ignore this sort of stupidity, but I had PMS and so I couldn't possibly let it pass.
(I couldn't !!)
I said, "Well you're in luck. I talked to the black people just yesterday and they said they don't like you either."

Thursday, September 15, 2005

i got a bad desire pt deux

Had an interesting evening at the video store last night. I was torn between three exciting movies and couldn't make up my mind. They were: "Heffalumps Halloween," "Bob's (the Builder) Big Plan" and "Barney: The Land of Make Believe." What to do. What to do. Talk about tough choices. I finally decided on Heffalumps because it featured Pooh and I've seen many of his previous works. Pooh is consistently good and his supporting cast is always excellent. (Except for that damn Rabbit. He gets on my nerves big time.)
I nixed Barney because I knew the songs would drive me batty for weeks to come, and Bob, well, I felt it was too This Old House-ish.

I finally saw an episode of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. Oooooooooo k then. Those guys are WAY TOO QUEER for me, especially the blonde one. He's way off the Gayosity Richter Scale.

This is just one example of how alert I am to everything happening around me. Last night I was in the computer room, which is in the front of the trailer, and I heard Holly start barking. She was in the backyard, and every so often gets on a barking jag, so I paid little attention. Hell, she'll bark at a tumbleweed if it rolls by. So she continued to bark, and I yell out the occasional, "Holly, knock it off!" Finally I got up and looked in the direction in which she was barking and there were three police cars on our road, right across from our driveway. I'm so damn busy looking for cops, I never see the ones right under my nose. One cop had a police dog and was walking up and down the street and another was using a flashlight to look through parts of the neighbor's yard. I have no clue as to what was going on, but poor Holly. It was her worst nightmare come true. When she sees those police dogs on COPS, she goes ballistic. I'm sure it will take Mr. G all of five minutes to ask the neighbor for the details the next time he sees him....which I'm sure will be tomorrow....if Mr. G has anything to say about it.

Who is Jani Lane? I saw him on Celeb Fit Club and it said he was a singer, but I didn't recognize him.

i got a bad desire

Hmm, I find that if I skip over the people on my favorites list that never update, I have like 15 extra minutes in the morning. I always fall victim to the hope that TODAY will be different, TODAY they will post!!! But, alas, they don't.

I see that some pharmacies in Canada are going to carry medical marijuana. C.P. asked me if having 16 offspring qualified me for medical marijuana. I told him that having 16 offspring qualifies me to be walking around with a xanax/valium drip 24/7/365. Screw that piddly marjiuana. I need the hard stuff!!!

Ya know, I think it would be rather cool if we could walk around with our own personal theme music. If so, I'd pick something from Herb Alpert & the Tijuana Brass. The Mexican Shuffle to be exact. It is SO ME. I can just see me walking down the street with that playing in the background, the wind in my hair, my 44 D's bouncing along with the trumpet music and the friction of my thighs causing sparks to fly off my spandex pants. What a glorious visual.
For those of you who are too young to know who Herb Alpert is, or who only know him from the duet he sang with Janet Jackson, let me just say: YOU SUCK.
But seriously, Herb's music is upbeat and lively, and I think it would "describe" me nicely.
When I was younger, my dad used to make us listen to Herb Alpert and polka music all the time.
No wonder I'm screwed in the head. Oh we had Herbs Christmas album, his greatest hits 1 & 2, Whipped Cream and Other Delights, along with several others. As a matter of fact, Dad just bought Herb's Classics Volume 20. The scary thing is that he has a version of Maniac, from Flashdance on it. OY!!

John Roberts pissed off Ted Kennedy yesterday when he refused to answer the question, "Who put the "ram" in the rama-lama-ding-dong. Roberts refrained from answering on the grounds that this matter might come before the Supreme Court in the future.

I was walking down the street from the mailbox yesterday afternoon and a lawn dude working at the neighbors stopped me and asked me if I'd like to have my yard fertilized. I said, "No, thanks. The dog has that covered. AND she does it for free!"

I walked in to talk to my boss yesterday morning, and she had FOX news on--yeah that was a head banger in and of itself, but as the news anchor was ending the segment he said, "Stay tuned to FOX, the most important name in news." According to whom??? This is the same sort of crap they tried to pull before when they used to add, "FOX, the most trusted name in news." SAYS WHO?? The sad thing is that somebody gets paid to make up these bogus claims.

I read that a guy in England ran out of his house naked and gave chase in his truck because horse thieves were making off with his $45,000 horse trailer and I thought, "FORTY FIVE THOUSAND DOLLAR HORSE TRAILER?? **My** trailer only cost $299.99. Actually, less than that. It was a BOGO. Buy one, get one hauled off to the junk yard for free. What could the horses possibly have in that trailer that I don't have? I mean, besides air conditioning, DSL and horse porn. Oh wait, I have horse porn.

Go here to see a slide show of some of the animals that have been rescued by the HSUS in New Orleans.

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

this could be all i'm waiting for

I heard on the news yesterday that Susan M. Torres' baby has passed away. Susan M. collapsed after being diagnosed with four stage melanoma and she went into a coma. She was 17 weeks pregnant at the time and they kept her on life support machines until the baby could be born. Susan Ann died after surgery to correct a perforated intestine. She was only five weeks old. My heart goes out to the husband and father, David Torres.

I watched the last episode of Situation Comedy. Truly this is the only way to sit through those boring reality challenge shows--watch the first one and the last one, or in my case, just the last one. It was a competition to write and make a sitcom. The last two scripts remaining were "Stephen's Life," which if you ask me was just a rip off of Family Ties. I didn't like it at all. I didn't care for "Stephen" or his family at all. The second show was Sperm Donor and that one I liked. It was funny and it had a good plot, but I wasn't wild about Peter Delauise who played the sperm donor or the daughter. The premise was that the woman contacted the man who was her sperm donor 14 or 15 years previously because her daughter was now acting out and she thought the daughter needed to meet and bond with the 'dad.' The dad turned out to be Peter Delauise, a crass biker dude, not the A student , MIT graduate he claimed to be on his sperm donor application. I loved the part where the woman said, "I want to ask you some questions. You said you were an A student?" He said, "No, that's a typo. I said I was "a student." It was good and with some character tweaking it could have been very good.

I finally got to watch Saturday's eps of COPS. WHOA. Lots of hot cop ass on those two shows.
Deputy Marc Taub of the Travis County Sheriff's Department in Texas, Officer James Presley of Gwinette County, Georgia and Officer Rudy Reynoso of the Santa Ana Police Department. I loved the way Officer Reynoso kept getting distracted by the suspect's eyebrows. In his defense, they WERE incredibly weird looking.
My favorite segment was where the two stoners from Travis County had their home broken into for the third time and had NO CLUE as to why. One theory was because they wouldn't smoke dope with the guy the believe broke into their home. Uh huh schure you won't. *wink wink nudge nudge*. When Deputy Marc Taub was interviewing one of the guys the dude broke into song!! Yeah, he wasn't the least bit high.

I see the funny Capitol One dude that I like is now on a Pringle's commercial. It's cute, but he's much funnier on the Capitol One ads. They have a new one out but my favorite is still the one where the enraged dude shows up and David Spade points out FunnyGuy and pretends to be him. "Ooooo, I'm shaking in my bright yellow shirt."

I was watching some of John Roberts' confirmation hearing and I love the way this dude double talks. He's MADE for politics. I especially love the way he dodged some questions by telling the Democrats that he refused to address matters that might come before the Supreme Court. This is such a freaking waste of time and money.

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

not a moment too soon

Good news! We got the results of our radon test back. We don't have ANY radon in our humble little trailer. YAY! We do, however, have high levels of lead, carbon monoxide and mold. Eh. Can't win 'em all.

I was watching some of the flood recovery efforts today and they showed a boat going to some of the houses to see if there were any remaining residents and there in one back yard--if you can call it that because it was flood water high--was a black Lab. It was sniffing all over the parts of the concrete that wasn't submerged, and you just know that poor dog had to be starving. There are still some 50k dogs and cats that need to be rescued according to news sources. I had to turn the tv off, I felt so bad for that dog. I didn't get to see if they took him and that upset me even more, but they only had a small boat and there were three guys in it, so I'm assuming they had to leave the dog. I kept wishing they had at least brought along some dry dog food and water for these sorts of situations. People have a hard time comprehending what's happening i can only imagine how confused these animals are.

I'd like to slap the news anchors on MSNBC. I knew the minutes the lights went
out in L.A. MSNBC would be ALL OVER IT.
The one anchor chick was getting on my nerves big time, and this sort of situation embodies what I HATE about news programs: they try to make someout out of NOTHING.
Anytime anything happens and Lord knows it doesn't have to be anything important or especially interesting--say the President farts in public--just sit back and watch MSNBC make something out of nothing. They get the ANALysts going and the debating starts.
Idiot News Anchor: "Do you think the President MEANT to fart?"
Idiot ANALyst #1: "Oh, I think he had every intention of farting. It's a political strategy."
Idiot ANALyst #2: "Personally, I think this isn't the last we'll see or hear of the President of farting. As a matter of fact, I think there are weapons of mass farting. We must find them!"
Yeah, it's lovely.
The electricity had only just gone out for maybe twenty minutes when they started interviewing people about it. First they talked to one of the LAPD and asked him if they knew what was happening. He said that all he knew was there were blackouts in some parts of L.A. and surrounding areas. Then they asked him if he knew what had caused the blackout, after he just told them that he didn't. THEN they get a fireman on and ask him the same stupid question: do you know what caused the blackouts? Then they asked a question that gee I'll bet none of us knew the answer to---was this
blackout going to cause traffic gridlock if it continued? DUH.
Frankly I'm surprised they didn't utter the "T"* word, and then go on to quickly add that it WASN'T the "T" word, even though Los Angeles was specifically mentioned in the newest video which talked about upcoming strikes planned by terrorists. They probably did, but I didn't hear it.
Let me just say this about MSNBC and FOX news. I would LOVE to know what these two channels talk about on a slow news day because the INSTANT something happens--be it newsworthy or not--they're all over it to the exclusion of everything else.
Scott Peterson--ALL OVER IT.
Runaway Bride--ALL OVER IT.
(When it comes to making something out of nothing, MSNBC wins an award for their "coverage" of the Runaway Bride bullshit. Closely followed by FOX.)
Lights out in L.A.--ALL OVER IT.
Hell, once the lights went out in L.A., it was like the hurricane never happened on MSNBC. Thank God most of the electricity was restored within 2.5 hours. Because if not, MSNBC would have been all over the possible looting & rioting story. Even if there was no rioting or looting, they would have spend endless amounts of time telling you how there COULD have been rioting and looting. And how SCARY it would have been!!

Monday, September 12, 2005

i'm every woman

On a very sad note, FX has taken off it's afternoon episodes of
COPS and replaced them with....That 70's Show, to which I say EAT ME!!

Doris Kearns Goodwin was on one of the news channels yesterday morning--FOX, I think--and she was discussing the flood situation in N.O. The anchor chick said that the flood occurred on the 27th/28th time period, but a lot people in that area didn't get paid until the 31st, so they literally didn't have just $20 on hand to buy gas to fill up their cars to leave. Doris says, "A lot of Americans don't understand the concept of living paycheck to paycheck." Hello??? Perhaps SHE doesn't know , but I would be more than willing to bet my meager paycheck that the MAJORITY of Americans know EXACTLY what that feels like. 64% don't even earn a living wage, for Pete sake.

i was flipping channels Sunday afternoon and saw a snippet of an Elvis movie. Deep. Really deep. Anywho, Elvis and this chick are walking along and all of a sudden he just bursts into song. If you were dating someone like that, it wouldn't last very long. The embarrassment alone would do you in. Oddly enough, it was exactly like watching Whitless and Bobby Brown's reality show on the Bravo channel. And we all know how in touch with reality they are....

Sunday, September 11, 2005

the more you talk the less i can take

Goddess' Cute Cop O'The Season Premier award goes to:
Officer Christopher Curtis from Las Vegas, Nevada. He was responding to a domestic violence situation where a young guy tried to climb into his ex-girlfriend's window. The young kid started bawling and going a little nutty because he wasn't handling the break up well, and Officer Curtis said,
"Do you have any idea how many breakups I've been through?"
Looking at him, I'm thinking "One too many, honey."

They had one segment from Pittsburgh, featuring Detective Mark Goob. DAMN!
Talk about somebody I wouldn't want to meet in a dark alley..........................
Naturally my Dish had to go out in the middle of one segment.
Gee, guess which one?

Took Holly for a two mile walk Saturday night.
I'm sorry---the dog dragged us for two solid miles last night.
It's amazing how much strength she has!! But I can say with great
certainty that if she were human, she'd have high blood pressure and be
on a Xanax script. We have to take my car to drive to the trail where we walk,
so from the time I say the words "my car" and "walk," to the last quarter mile of the walk,
she is a total nut job.

Saturday, September 10, 2005

how did you know just where i would be

You can tell it's time for my friend, the curse, to arrive.......I'm gabbbbbbbbby squared.

As you know, Christmas is now only 105 days away. I sat down last night and started working on this letter to Santa. I'm going for blood this time. I think it's pathetic to be in my 40's and still begging for that fucking Chrissy doll my mother was too cheap to buy me. So I'm pulling out ALL the stops--yes, that means I'm going to LIE TO SANTA. If God hasn't seen fit to strike me dead for all the endless jilling sessions, I'm not real worried about a few lies to the fat guy. This is only my fifth draft. Lemme know what you think.
"Dearest Santa Claus, six weeks ago when the doctors were removing my gangrenous leg, they discovered I had cancer in the percentage of my body that hadn't already been devoured by that destructive flesh eating bacterial thingy. Giving me only two weeks to live, I have managed to survive for the last four. Why, you ask? Because I am fighting with all I have (and it ain't much) to live until Christmas Day because I know that this is the year you will bring my beloved Chrissy doll.
I've been very good this year, Santa. I only slept with the pool boy those eight times. And I swear I didn't enjoy any of it. (Except for the fifth and sixth time when he did that thing with my butthole and his tong--never mind.) I swear on a stack of King Johns, that I just suffered through the rest of those multiple orgasms.
I must go now, Santa. It's time for my codeine/morphine cocktail--if one of the offspring hasn't already downed it, leaving me to suffer through hours of unspeakable pain. After I rest, I'll begin sewing a new wardrobe for Chrissy......if I have the strength to lift the needle. Thank you, Santa.
I just want you to know that if you have to choose between giving me the Chrissy doll and not giving my offspring anything, pick me. Screw. Them. They're healthy enough to be around for many Christmases to come. Unlike myself. Who is dying. And sick. And in desperate need of a Chrissy doll, so I can show it to my mother and scream, "IN YOUR FACE, Mom!! Santa DOES love me'!"

I heart this comment from Barbara Bush concerning the evacuees:
"What I'm hearing, which is sort of scary, is they all want
to stay in Texas. Everyone is so overwhelmed by the
hospitality. And so many of the people in the arena here,
you know, were underprivileged anyway, so this is working
very well for them."
- Barbara Bush on the Katrina evacuees, in an interview to
"Marketplace", an NPR program
George! Do something, quick! We can't have po' people in Texas!!

I spent much of the day screaming obscenities at Page Computers. They STILL haven't
sent me the information I need to return this shitty $522 laptop case. I am MAJORLY p.o.'ed and my next
step is contacting the Better Business Bureau. They were supposed to get me that information within two business days. That was over two weeks ago. I've contacted them several times and the last time I talked with them they said I'd have the info no later than Wednesday. Here it is Friday and I still don't have it. I called the cc company and they're like, "If they tell you they're going to give you the information, give them a chance." I think over 16 days is more than enough of "a chance." I feel like the only thing they're giving me is the runaround. Monday I'm going online and reporting them to the BBB. Screw them. It occurs to me that the reason the cc company doesn't care is because I'm paying interest on this P.O.S. and by the time it gets back to them, I'll have paid interest for almost an entire month.

When I wasn't bitching and moaning about the faux laptop, I re-read one of my favorite romance novels of all time, Marilyn Pappano's "Season for Miracles." Schure it's a Christmas book, but face it, I'm NEVER in the Christmas spirit AT Christmas time because I'm always stressed. I make up for that by being in the Christmas spirit at different times during the year when I'm not required to spend money that I don't have on gifts for people who don't need them. Anywho, "Season for Miracles" is about a woman who "steals" her drug addicted sister's three children after she loses custody of them. She ends up in a town called Bethlehem and there she falls in love with a COP. Of course. The movie isn't nearly as good as the book, mostly because the cop in the movie isn't all that sexy.

Tina Fey of Saturday Night Live fame is going to have her own improv show. I'll reserve judgement until I see it. I'm not a big fan of the improv shows, like Drew Carey's Whose Line is it Anyway? It had it's moments, but so much of that wasn't the least bit funny.

I was watching Whammy the other night and one of the prizes was a shopping spree on Rodeo Drive worth $700. I'm thinking what in the world could you buy on Rodeo Drive for $700? A cup of coffee maybe.

I mistakenly said that Avril Lavigne wrote "Since You've Been Gone," but that's not correct.
She co-authored Breakaway, but had nothing to do with penning the lyrics of "Since...".

you found me when no one else was looking

Yet another celeb is willing to dump all his bidness on tv in the hopes of making a buck. We now have the vh1 celebreality show, Breaking Bonaduce, which features former partridge family kid, Danny Bondauce, his wife, 2 kids and their therapist. The show promises that "nothing is held back and the emotions are all real", which leaves me thinking, "who gives a shit?"
Speaking of shit, I'm keeping my fingers crossed for the celebreality show titled, "Aw Shit" in which will focus on celebs and their colonoscopys..............cuz God knows we've seen everything else. And after that, "Pissed Off" in which we see the results of their urine analysis.

This should come as no surprise to anyone, but Brownie, (Michael Brown, the head of FEMA) who was doing "one heck of a job" according to President Bush, has been removed from his role managing the hurricane relief efforts and is on his way back to Washington. He will be replaced by Coast Guard Vice Adm. Thad W. Allen. Brown said "the press" was making him the scapegoat.
Gee, could his own (in)actions have been to blame? Nah, after all, he's doing a heck of a job.
BTW, I love Bush's idea of a compliment. "One heck of a job." Could be praise be anymore generic if he tried?
He didn't even say one heck of a GOOD job.

I received my Kelly Clarkson CD Breakaway today. Yes, I actually bought it. First of all, the pic on the front makes her look like some sort of strung out drug addict looking for a fix. She's so pretty and that picture is awful. Secondly, while I like a good many of the songs, the cd is damn depressing. If she's not kvetching about a guy who used her up, she's kvetching about the fact that she let him get away.
My favorite song is "Beautiful Disaster." Again, maudlin and depressingly sappy.
Kelly's voice reminds me so much of Bree Sharp, and I wish she'd do more ballsey, stronger songs, like Bree does.

The night on the town with Kathy Griffin to benefit Hurricane Relief ebay
bidding ended at $6,900. Good deal. The winner should
definitely get a few blowjobs for that amount.

Crickett writes:" ..I haven't read "If You Give A Pig A Pancake", but I really
"If You Give A Moose A Muffin". However, "Never Tease A Weasel" is one
of my all-time favourites."

Crickett also informs me that the kitty cat used in the HSUS button above is none
other than her own kitty, Alice T. Growley, who was rescued last year.
BTW, what a great name for a cat.
We had one cat we simply named "Boy." (Thinking is hard work.) The cat before him was Mrs. Magilicutty
and apparently we used up all our imaginative powers with her.
From now on, we'll be forced to use names like "Orange Cat" and "Black Cat."
I knew Zal made the HSUS button but he was smart enough not to mention it to me himself, otherwise
he knew I'd be all over him to make one for me using Stupid Cat, who was not physically rescued, but who is mentally challenged. And damn it, the mere fact that she hasn't gotten
killed by her own paw deserves a button!
Although I've never had the joy of reading "Never Tease a Weasel" (yet), I do get a huge kick out of the cover of the book, which shows a young girl trying to poke a weasel, who is hiding in a tree, with a long stick.
I just finished reading "If You Give a Ho A Condom," and while I won't give the ending away, let's just say it upsets the whole balance of nature and all the free clinics are forced to close their doors due to lack of bidness.

I was watching the hurricane relief telethon the other night when Kanya West
went off on President Bush. The look on Mike Meyer's face was classic. He looked from West to the teleprompter as if to say, "where the hell is that written?!"
West said, among other things, that George Bush "doesn't care about black people."
He also said, " "I hate the way they portray us in the media... If you see a black family
it says they are looting if you see a white family it says they are looking for food."
"We already realize a lot of the people that could help are at war now fighting another way
and they’ve given them permission to go down and shoot us."
The angrier he got the more uncomfortable Mike Meyers looked.
When are broadcasters going to learn you can't trust anyone on live tv these days?

I can't believe there are still some people holed up in New Orleans. You'd think the stench alone would drive them out of their houses. It was kinda comical to see a lot of the older black men sitting on their front porches as the rescue teams were going by as if they didn't have a care in the world and were enjoying a quiet afternoon at home.

When Cheney was speaking to reporters some guy came by and yelled, "Go fuck yourself, Mr. Cheney."
I love the way he respectfully used the word "Mr."

I am really cherishing my days off this week. The weather has been in the high 60's with NO HUMIDITY, and the trailer court is QUIET because all the kids are in school and all the women are out getting their hair teased and their spandex tightened. So basically it's just me and the pooch all day. Now if I could just find a way to get her ass OUTSIDE so I could lay in bed and read romance novels all day, I'd REALLY be in Heaven.

Thursday, September 08, 2005

take my picture near the pool cuz i'm the next big thing

I stopped to see my uncle at the old folk's home today and he gave me a loaf of blessed bread. Bread, as you may know is symbolic of Jesus' body in the Catholic Church.
As he hands me the bread, he says, "This is delicious if you slice it thin and toast it."
I said, "Is it permissible to put Jesus in the toaster?" which of course, went right over my uncle's head.
He said, "Sure. Last year I got a couple loaves and put it in the freezer. Its really good as French toast, too."
Well, who knew Jesus was so versatile? I said, "Do you have to say "Body of Christ" before each mouthful?" Ar ar...that's a little Catholic joke for the masses. (Get it? Masses? Catholic? Never mind...) On the bread, the label says, "This bread is provided to you and your family in preparation of the Holy Feast." I said to Mr. G, "Holy Feast"? Cool. This and a jar of chunky peanut butter constitutes a "holy feast" in my book.

I had to be at B.Dalton first thing this morning to buy little Female Offspring #7 the book, "If You Give a Pig a Party." . She's a big fan of the book by the same author, "If You Give a Pig a Pancake", which I've read 92 times. I've read it so many times in fact that I can't wait for the
book "If You Put a Pig in a Skillet With Some Hot Grease".....

(9 a.m.) Who says George Bush doesn't understand what the
common folk of the South are dealing with right now?
"Out of the rubbles of Trent Lott's house... he lost everything....there's going to be a fantastic house.
And I'm looking forward to sitting on the porch."

And for everybody who blames the Katrina mess on local governments,
check out this timeline. You'.ll see that Gov. Blanco asked that a state of emergency be declared on the 27th, which would have allowed FEMA and DHS to respond. “I have determined that this incident is of such severity and magnitude that effective response is beyond the capabilities of the State and affected local governments, and that supplementary Federal assistance is necessary to save lives, protect property, public health, and safety, or to lessen or avert the threat of a disaster.” This was when it was still a category 3 hurricane.
The saddest thing about all of this is Michael Brown's bullshit comments that he wasn't advised until THURSDAY how bad the conditions were at the convention center and he had no idea of the violence in New Orleans. Apparently he doesn't own one of those new fangled things called a TV SET. Even the news anchor is like, "Sir, are you telling me you had no idea before today?"

The Daily Show always manages to make me laugh, even when they're dealing with sensitive subjects like Hurricane Katrina. Last night from Jon's interview with Rob Cordoury, who is covering the hurricane relief efforts live:
Jon: "Are you at the AstroDome or the SuperDome?"
Rob: "Actually, Jon, I'm at Giants Stadium."
Jon: "Why aren't you in New Orleans?"
Rob: "I'm scared, Jon."

Author Dr. Marc Siegel made a very profound observation on The Daily Show last night. He has a new book out entitled "False Alarm: The Truth About the Epidemic of Fear" in which he talks about--among other things--how politicians use fear to keep us in line. This is a book I'll be getting. When Jon Stewart asked him why he thought the people of Louisiana didn't leave their homes when they were told of the force of the hurricane, he replied that he thought they didn't believe the media reports, "They [the media] don't have a way to warn us effectively because they're scaring us silly about everything." And this is so true. In my little corner of the world, they are now calling 3 inches of snow a "winter storm." That's the most ridiculous bullshit. We never used to hear the words "winter storm" unless they were expecting more than 12 inches of snow.

An interesting thought occurred to me last night as I was watching Kathy Griffin's "Life on the D LIst." As you know, I like Kathy, but you'll notice that the main reason she gives for making fun of celebs like she does is because they're "shallow." They're shallow? Ok, Kathy is obsessed with having A-List house with which to impress the media, having the best dress and makeup at the Oscars and Grammys, getting the best interviewing gigs at both events and getting tons of free stuff anytime she can.
We're talking kiddie pool shallow.

Call me cynical but the ads for the Transporter look SO STUPID. As IF one guy is going to be able to do all those stunts and effectively disarm four and five guys at a time--several times--and drop onto a passing waverunner to catch the bad guys. Guh. I hate movies like that.

Kym writes: "is Off Perez gonna be on cops again. He's fine!"
LOL. Yeah you said that the first time around. Down, gurl. And yes, he's going to be on again, and hopefully he'll remember to let me know ahead of time so I can post it here. And I'll email you, too .

Our gas went down twenty cents to $2.99 a gallon. Probably means
they're going to raise it thirty cents. I better drive all my classic automobiles to the gas station
and get them filled up, starting with the Pinto.

About my explanation that shiny packages lure me in, Zal writes: " Now I know what to send ya for Christmas.
First I make a neon sparkly box, then go out to the lawn and...
Oops! Almost ruined the surprise!"
Oooo, a shiny present. I wonder what it will be. I'm guessing cake.
I can't help it. I'm a whore for
shiny stuff. Hell, if cocks were neon colored and glittery, there
would be no stopping me.

I spent about two hours yesterday afternoon dumping pics from the server that I don't need anymore and ugh I'm only half way finished. I also had to rename a bunch of emoticons so they're all in the same place in the webpics folder so if some of them are suddenly showing up as a broken link, that's why.

"If not for the courage of the fearless crew,
the Minnow would be lost; the Minnow would be lost."
Bob Denver, aka Gilligan, the famous castaway, has passed away at the age of 70.

Wow. I get all these great emails from people in Japan who just LOVE my site--hell a couple even asked me if I'd consider marriage--but alas, I don't type Japanese so I can't respond to their emails. [Somewhere there's a bunch (or maybe the same one over and over) of frustrated Japanese dudes, pissed cuz I'm not answering their emails.]
So Goddess, how do you konw what they're saying you ask?
A true appreciation for the arts transcends all language barriers, which is why they email me in the first place.
Well that and because they lust after my fine american ass.

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

i'm my own worst enemy

Pussies! Aren't they purdy?

I stopped to see my uncle at the old folk's home today and he gave me a loaf of blessed bread. Bread, as you may know is symbolic of Jesus' body in the Catholic Church.
As he hands me the bread, he says, "This is delicious if you slice it thin and toast it."
I said, "Is it permissible to put Jesus in the toaster?" which of course, went right over my uncle's head.
He said, "Sure. Last year I got a couple loaves and put it in the freezer. Its really good as French toast, too."
Well, who knew Jesus was so versatile? I said, "Do you have to say "Body of Christ" before each mouthful?" Ar ar...that's a little Catholic joke for the masses. (Get it? Masses? Catholic? Never mind...) On the bread, the label says, "This bread is provided to you and your family in preparation of the Holy Feast." I said to Mr. G, "Holy Feast"? Cool. This and a jar of chunky peanut butter constitutes a "holy feast" in my book.

I work tonight. 15 hours of pure overtime. I like it. I love it. I want more of it. Yep, that's right. I kvetched to the boss until she split up NuGirl's 45 hours of overtime between three of us, giving every one of us an extra night. I wasn't trying to be a bitch but when I've been there 3 1/2 years and my co-worker has been there 3 years, it doesn't seem right that somebody there for a few months should grab all the O.T. And I wasn't bitching to get it all myself, I wanted it to be divided evenly between the three of us.
I'm trying to get this night shift permanently but nobody wants to leave to create a vacancy. Of course they don't, they don't have to do squat. Which is pretty much why I want it. I have TONS of crap to do and I only get paid like ten cents an hour more than they do.

Hmm, after watching all these eps of COPS--six more on Court TV last night---I think
I'm going to have to put together my fantasy police department. It will exactly the same as fantasy football, except the guys won't play football, they'll just be there for me to swoon over. Possibly jill to.
So truthfully, it will be nothing like fantasy football. Just a good hot fantasy.

Stopped by the offsprings' various schools yesterday as they're all starting this new "meet the teacher night" bullshit. Why do I have to meet them before the school year gets started? Lord knows I'll be seeing enough of them throughout the school year, mostly in the principal's office.
Once again I noticed a lot of new parents coming in and out of the kindergarten room, all bright and happy and thinking that this is another exciting step in their child's future. It's school, people, get over it. In honor of these naive parents, I've created this handy dandy guide
to help them understand what their child's teacher is REALLY trying to communicate to them during their parent/teacher conferences:
Teacherese: marches to a different drummer....translation: nuts
Teacherese: needs to brush up on people skills.....translation: homicidal
Teacherese: creative...translation: not too bright
Teacherese: WAY creative....translation: a moron, actually
Teacherese: she's a riot!...translation: i can't stand her
Teacherese: she's doing just fine....translation: what's your kids name again?

Hmmm, there is a new study out about women and how they feel about their ass.
I thought the results were pretty interesting.
85% of women think their ass is too big...
10% of women think their ass is too little...
The other 5% say that they don't care -- they love him and
would have married him anyway.
Oh, ouch.