Thursday, September 01, 2005

you make me feel like dancin'

My horrorscope began with this line today: "You need to verbalize more of what is on your mind."
I can honestly say I never thought I'd hear THOSE words.
And now on to my (semi) legitimate beefs...

I received a way cool email last night but I didn't get permission to post it. (Yeah, it concerned Officer Perez. Big surprise, huh?) If I do, you'll see it here. If I don't, well then that will just reinforce my belief that it sucks to have a conscience.

Ok, I've had it. I DEMAND that one of you guys email me and tell me all about your bad Lab! I don't care if it's a black Lab, or a yellow Lab or a pink polka dot Lab, I want to hear alllllll about his growling and biting, because so help me, if I hear ONE MORE PERSON say, "Growl? Your Lab growls? Why you could shove a corn cob up my Lab's ass and give it a twist and he wouldn't even whimper," I'm gonna SPIT!! I cannot believe my Lab is the only ungrateful Lab on the planet that growls and tries to bite the hand that feeds it. I must admit, though, that Holly is getting a bit BETTER at trading off stuff she shouldn't have for a treat. Although there are times I SWEAR she takes shoes just to get the treats.
I refuse to believe this is MY FAULT!! I've raised 16 offspring and NOT ONE of them got in trouble. Ok five of them have gotten in trouble. BUT let me just say this. When the neighbor's trailer was burning to the ground--and FYI, trailers burn faster than straw farms--I firmly believe that Male Offspring #1 had NOTHING to do with it. Even though he was standing a few feet away holding a can of kerosene and some matches. And even though he borrowed my car the night before to buy some kerosene and matches. I believe him when he told me he was holding them for a friend. Likewise, I believe Male Offspring #3 was holding that marijuana for a friend and Female Offspring #2 was holding those stolen electronics for a friend. The other two offspring are doing remarkable...at least that's the word I get from juvey hall. So as you can see NONE of this can be my fault!

Only 116 more days till Christmas, kids! As soon as I finish this update I'm starting my letter to Santa. This year, people, this year I'm getting that Chrissy doll!! I just know it.

As you know--or don't know--yesterday was a very important day in the Goddess trailerhold. It was THE FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL!!!!!!!!!!!! Being the super dedicated mother that I am, and not trusting the bus system like I don't, I drove all 12 of the offspring to school myself. Yes, indeed, I wanted to see them enter the building--some for the first time--and mostly I just wanted to make sure they slammed and locked the door behind them.

You can always tell when it's a kid's first day of kindergarten because you'll see the mom AND dad at the bus stop. Day two and every day forward for the rest of their school life, you'll see the kid
standing out at the bus stop all by her/himself.

Did you know that the average American woman is a size 12, while the average (if there is such a thing) Hollywood actress is a size 2?! I had to laugh when Kathy Griffin's tailor for the Grammy's said she was "a challenge" to dress because she's a SIZE SIX!! He referred to her as "MATRONLY"!!! That is so fucked. It's no wonder women are so messed up about their body images.

I was having one of those stupid IM conversations with Keith last night--sorry, Keith, you know it was insane--and one of the things he asked me was what question I hear the most often. Without a doubt, I'd have to say it would be, "is there a history of mental illness in your family?" And, of course, I always answer "No, of course not," with a perfectly straight face.

I got suckered into taking Female Offspring #7 and Male Offspring #8 to see "Lilo and Stitch: Stitch Has a Glitch" next week. I seriously need to get bifocals. I only agreed because I thought it was "Lilo and Stitch: Stitch Has a Bitch," and I wanted to see if Lilo was his bitch. Sigh.

I had some delish grapes today for lunch, so I'd just like to give a shout out to the
Giumarra family and tell them their grapes ROCK!

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