Saturday, August 06, 2005

what cha gonna do when they come for you

Word is that COPS is filming in Pittsburgh on the Northside.
I told Female Offspring #1 to drive over there and do something outrageously stupid but newsworthy.
But nothing that would increase her car insurance rates!!!

Damn. I miss out on all the good scandals. Seems the rumor mill is saying Rob Thomas formerly of Matchbox 20 allegedly had sex with Tom Cruise and was caught by Thomas' former wife. Of course both guys deny it, but it was said that Thomas' wife was paid off and Cruise's thugs immediately went on the lookout for a hot romance--enter Katie Holmes, who supposedly agreed to go along with the stupidity. Oh for Pete freaking sake, if Tom is gay why doesn't he just admit it? You know, for reasons other than because he's afraid he'll lose gazillions from the heterosexual female movie goers. If he has been lying all this time, apparently his integrity doesn't mean much to him.

Earlier this evening while reading "Chicken Soup for the Chicken's Soul," I thought, "Why didn't they ever come out with "Chicken Soup for the Dummies' Soul"? Or "Chicken Soup for the Asshole's Soul?" "The Dickhead's Soul" Or even "The Bastard's Soul"? There's a whole untapped market, and since they seem to have run the gamut of professions and people, the guys who slap those books together while getting other people to do the actual writing might want to consider my suggestions.

Our neighbor works at the bank, and when I was making a deposit yesterday, I commented on the fact that the 'hood is so quiet when I'm home during the day because everyone else is gone. She informed me that her daughters were, in fact, home every day. I said, "I never see them or hear them." She said, "Oh, they're not allowed outside." One is in the third grade and the youngest is starting first.
I said to Mr. G, "Can you imagine the mind blowing essay they're going to
write when the teacher says, "Tell me what you did this summer?!"
"I got up at noon, ate, watched tv, ate, watched tv, watched tv, watched tv,
ate, napped, ate, watched tv, watched tv, watched tv..."
"A's" all around!
How BORING to spend eight and ten hours stuck in the trailer.
What people won't do to save a few bucks on babysitting.
Maybe I'm just an overprotective wuss, but I would be terrifed to
let kids that small alone five days a week for 8-10 hours.
If you're five when you're in kindergarten, I'm guessing the oldest is 8 or 9.
So she has a 9 year old in charge of a 6 year old. The amazing thing is that the older
kid hasn't tried to flush the younger kid down the toilet ONCE! Damn.
My mind BOGGLES at the amount of trouble they could get into, though.
My offspring would have the trailer burned down faster than
you can say, "Grab the gas can and stand back--this'll be really funny."

Michelle Branch has named her new baby GIRL, Owen. Way to go.
One more kid who's gonna need therapy when it gets older and
one more kid that needs "kick me" embroidered on her jumper.

Officer Faith Yokus (talking about kids who overdosed after the police told them about bad drugs):
"...all the things we tell them not to do, it only makes 'em want to do it even more."
Officer Boscorelli: "We should tell 'em not to read."

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