Thursday, August 18, 2005

i know you want it its easy to see and in the back of your mind i know you should fucking me


I told Zal he needed one of these. He informed me that he already has a shot glass checker set.
Alas, I have to be honest and admit that I own a shot glass Candyland game.
Hell, it was the only way I could survive playing it over and over and over.
Once your kids experience it, your life as you knew it is OVER, because they can NEVER play just one game. I'm telling ya, Candyland is like crack for pre-school kids.

I'd like to say that I am once again changing my name. First I was Puffy Goddess--especially right before my period and after all that cake--then I changed that to P Goddess. (Not to be confused with Pee Goddess, which is what I was last year.)
I will no longer be P Goddess, just Goddess from now on.
And I will DEFINITELY NOT BE ODD GODDESS.
I know how hard it is for some of you to pronounce that P so I'm
making it easier for you, my many many fans.

Goddess' Hot(t) Cop O'The Week Award goes to: Officer H. Elmore of Riveria Beach, Florida.
Oooooo. Ahhhh. Ohhhh. Talk about your delicious dark chocolate.

OH! OH! OH! I have come up with THEE BEST toy idea and I'm scurrying off to get it patented pronto in time for the big Christmas rush. Picture this: My Lil' Sweatshop! It'll come complete with sewing machine, dim lightbulb and a recorded message that says, " Faster, faster, you little slacker! Those pants aren't going to sew themselves!" over and over. I swear this is NOT going to be like the time I invented the Easy Bake Oven. Yes, that was me. I remember it well. I was about 8 at the time, and I thought to myself, "Hmm, I wonder how I could eat reams of cake in my bedroom without Mom ever knowing?"
(Yes, this whole cake thing is an insidious nightmare that has plagued me from childhood.)
Thus, the Easy Bake Oven was born. Well, ok, MY idea was to try to drag Mom's oven upstairs, but when I got it stuck on the bottom step, I knew I had to shrinky dink it.

One of the high points of my day yesterday was when I went into the bathroom at 3 a.m. and
fell into the toilet. I have a (bad) habit of walking around in the dark at night and I sat down on the toilet and in I went. What a cold, cold reminder to check the seat first.

I think I'm about to pass out. I told South my stats still weren't working and he said--oh gawd, I'm getting nauseous again--"its low priority for now." Getting....weaker.....by....the...minute. Damn it. I never should have said I wouldn't read my stats for a week! It became a self fulfilling prophecy. THEN South says he's going out to rent Sin City! HELLO?! I'm not paying him the big bucks for the privilege of
being my webhost so he can sit around watching videos!!
Relax. I'm joking. I'm joking.
We all know it's more of an honor than a privilege....

While I'm talking about South, I gotta spill this. It's too funny. Everybody--and I mean EVERYBODY--was seeing my new site, except for me, which meant I couldn't update it.
(Yes, even folks in Aruba, as South so lovingly pointed out while rubbing my snout in it.)
So South tells me to email my ISP. I said, "Ok but you tell me exactly what to say," because I wanted it to sound like I knew what I was talking about, despite the fact that I didn't. So I copied exactly what he said, and then I said to him, "Ok now how do I end this email?" I'm thinking do I say, "What can you do to correct this?" or "Can you help me with this?" And he says, "end it by saying get off your fucking asses and make your DNS servers work right you buncha lazy fucks."
Sigh. You'd think I'd know better than to even ask by now.

Of my little faux baby pas and Female Offspring #1, Michelle writes: "Shame on you!!
How are you gonna forget to tell her!!! You outta be ashamed of yourself!"
Hey! She went to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and didn't tell me! I say we're even!

Speaking of the offspring, Male Offspring #4 finally found his way home from Cawker City, Kansas. He's been happily showing off the picture of himself standing next to the largest ball of twine. He's right proud. And I'm so proud of him. He managed to get me some cheap cigarettes and booze along the way. If that ain't something that brings a tear to a mother's eye, I don't know what is.
For those of you who were dying to know, Male Offspring #5 finally chose the SpongeBob SquarePants folder, THEN he drew a huge set of boobs on Bob. I told Mr. G about the boobs and said, "Do you think I should be concerned?" And he said, "About what?" Boobs all around apparently.

The Daily Show had a HILARIOUS interview with Walt Reynolds and Mike Iaconelli concerning bass fishing. Seems Mike is taking it to the "extremes" yelling and screaming every time he catches a fish and that doesn't sit well with "normal fishermen" like Walt. Apparently Mike is just pissing bass fishermen off no end. (Interesting his name is Mike. Aren't all the flamboyant trouble makers named "Mike"?
Just thinking outloud here.)
It's really a funny piece. The funniest thing of all being that the Bassmaster Classic is held in Pittsburgh. One more thing for the city to be "proud" of.

I was flipping channels yesterday afternoon and decided to watch a bit of that Pat Croce show. Not because I like or respect him, but because he threatened to take sumdumteenager's ass to jail and I wanted to see the hot cops. The kid was using drugs and refused to stop, so the parents called Pat. What a crock of crap. The kid was smirking throughout the entire show. When the kid was laughing with his friends about taking shots and Vicodan, the old man was standing right there laughing with them! You knew the kid wasn't taking any of it seriously, then Pat hauls him out to the car and tells him that he's taking him to jail for the night OR at least he was GOING to take him to jail and his parents said no. Dumb. Dumb. Dumb. They should have allowed him to spend the night there. Anywho he says he's ready to sign a pledge to not do drugs and they come back like five or six weeks later and he says he's clean. My question is this: Pat administered a home drug test at the beginning of the show and the kid who said he was clean failed it. Why didn't he make him take ANOTHER home drug test to prove that he's really staying sober? These five minutes fixes to very serious problems don't fly with me.

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