Wednesday, August 03, 2005

baby if you wanna be my lover you better take me home

Today we begin the 304th consecutive day of people saying, "Is it hot enough for you?" and "Its not the heat it's the humidity" in the East.
And may I just say that there's nothing I enjoy more than putting on my
makeup and sweating it off five seconds later.

New Scientist has called on readers to help suggest a name for the solar system's 10th planet. I submitted the name Urballs or Urcunt, to compliment Uranus.

Samantha Bee had a great line on the Daily Show yesterday.
She said, "He'll be all over you like a fat kid on a Smartee."

Damn IT. I finally get my tomatoes growing nicely and now some of them are rotting from the bottom. What the hell next?! Two years I plant them too late and this year I get them in on time and now they're rotting before they even turn red. Sigh. I think I need to stick with something like zucchini. NOTHING can kill that. Not even radiation fallout.

I see they are going to repair the Space Shuttle sometime this week. One of the astronauts will be dangling outside the shuttle to remove two pieces of filler material that are jutting out of the shuttle's underbelly. It was right about *HERE* that I was going to make a spackling/duct tape joke but evidently they ARE going to use DUCT TAPE in the repairs, so I shall restrain myself.

I hate those financial "experts" who harsh my mellow. The one says that every time you WANT to buy something, you should figure out how many hours you have to work for that item then decide if it's worth it. I started doing that a few weeks back, and other than sex, NOTHING is worth working for. Well, that HOTT COPS calendar is worth the sweat!! Anywho, I've come up with an ingenious method for getting what I want anyway. Since Mr. G and I pool all our money, I simply take the money for useless crap from HIS paycheck! For instance, just the other day I stood in the nail care aisle, asking myself if it was worth working 1/2 for a $3 bottle of nail polish. My instant response was "Does 'hell' go with 'no'?!" BUT I'm more than willing to let Mr. G work that much time for a bottle of nail polish. MORE than willing.

Cottonelle is having a contest in which you write a song about why your dog is a very special member of your family. Winner gets $200K towards a home make-over. Hell, I could BURN DOWN MY TRAILER and rebuild two or three at that price. I was all set to write about Holly stealing my maxi pads (with wings, damn it!!) but then I remembered, I can't sing. I thought it was an essay thingy. Boo.
I could have had new digs!! I could have started over by giving all my stuff to the poor(er). Then again, they've suffered enough. No use giving them my pee pee stained carpet or my urine stained couch or my wee wee soaked mattresses. Hmm, I'm sensing my family might have bladder problems....
I guess dragging it all out into the back yard and burning it would have been the only acceptable demise for it. Except the whole neighborhood will probably smell like...yeah, you guessed it, urine.

I was watching the shopping channel today because they once again featured my FAVORITE ITEM IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD--the chocolate fondue fountain. I wonder if the House of Pies has chocolate fondue fountains?? Anywho,the hostess said she was at a wedding and their cheap fountain began to overflow onto the table. Had I been there, I would have immediately LEAPED into action. I would have dropped to the floor, laid down on my back directly beneath the fountain and opened my mouth wide... Let the helping begin.

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