Sunday, July 24, 2005

oh no there goes tokyo go go godzilla

WOW. Check out this amazing fan letter I got:
"This is going to sound 100% tacky and normally I behave nothing like this but you are the most stunningly attractive Goddess I have ever laid eyes on. Please bear in mind that I am for the most part blind and more gay than straight so it’s a fair compliment : )”."
Alex just thinks he has the market cornered on these kind of emails! HA!

Goddess' Hot(t) Cop O'The Week Award goes to: Officer Michael Winslow of the Cincinnati, O-HI-O Police Department.
Lordy, I need some of that chocolate lovin'. Ooh, he's hot(t).
He was featured on the 600th (!) ep of COPS.

On COPS tonight, they had an ep with a father and son who got into an argument on the way home from a strip club and proceeded to beat the snot out of each other. Ahh another Kodak family moment.
There are just some things you SHOULD NOT SHARE with your parents, such as:
1.details of your boinking exploits
2. oral sex tips
("Mom, do you swallow?" Brrrrrr....)
3. how much money you spend on porn
4. how you like to jack off while thinking of a family member
(first cousins don't count, right?)
5. slipping dollar bills into the g strings of half
naked men and women doing the bump and grind
(and getting a lap dance while dad watches proudly makes me want to HURL )
It's icky, people. It's just plain icky.

I'm still paying on those stupid hospital bills from last year. I pay $50 a month. The collection agency set it up so that I had to pay at the beginning of the month, but I don't have the money till the END of the month. They never asked me. When I get the money, they'll get the money. I called and told them to change the date, and they said they would, but every stinking month, I get this tape recorded call, "Hi, this is an important message for *insert name here*. Please hold." Please hold?! Are they freaking crazy?
Keeping in mind they're leaving this on my answering machine.
As IF I'm gonna hold for their crap. They play some music and come on again telling me they'll "be with me shortly." If you're gonna bitch at me because I'm not paying my bills, at least have the fucking common decency to be ON the phone when you call me. Who the hell is stupid enough to WAIT??? Then the message runs through a bunch of shit like, "If this is the wrong number press 1" and my favorite option, "If you're not at home, press 4."

I ran out of Astroglide the other day and when Mr. G was going to the drugstore to pick up his scripts I gave him money and STRICT INSTRUCTIONS to get me more.
(A bottle of Astroglide lasts FOREVER. You use such a teeny amount.)
I told him that under NO circumstances should he come home with anything other than Astroglide and that included KY Jelly. So, of course, he came home with KY Jelly. You know how I knew he'd do that? Cuz it's cheaper.
You get what you pay for.
Once you use Astroglide, you'll NEVER go back to KY.
KY is thin and runny, while Astroglide is slick and stretchy,
just like actual vaginal secretions.
Mmmmmm, vaginal secretions.

I'm so glad many of these hair care lines are coming out with small sample sizes of their new products. It gives me a chance to see if they really do what they promise without spending a bundle. I bought a small $1.99 Umberto Giannini "incredible body AMAZING volume mousse" and tried it. You would think with a fancy I-talian name like that it would work, huh? Well, you'd be wrong. My hair is about an inch past the nape of my neck and has lots of layers so mousse SHOULD do wonders for making my do look fuller when I use the blow dryer. This did diddly. Oh, wait that's not quite true. It dried out my hair. But then most mousse products seem to do that because of the alcohol content.

Crickett is going to the HOUSE OF PIES. Do you think it's possible that they, no, I can't even THINK it, let alone SAY it. But I must. Do you think it's possible they have a HOUSE OF CAKES???!!! And MAYBE, just MAYBE the building is MADE OF CAKE?? With an icing roof?? Ok, maybe not.

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