Saturday, June 18, 2005

trying to make this one dimensional the way i feel is sexual

I was watching COPS from Atlanta on Friday afternoon, and this guy broke into an apartment. He told the cops that the door was wide open and when he went inside, stuff was stewn everywhere, so he cleaned it up. The cop said, "So you went inside a place you didn't know just to clean it up?" Then he said, "You deserve an award for being a Good Samaritan." He led him over to the police car and put him inside saying, "We're gonna take you downtown so you can pick up your award." What made me laugh about this ep was that the guy broke into the apartment via a window in the back but the front door was padlocked. He told the cops somebody broke his window and when he tried to get out, he couldn't because the door was locked from the outside. Like that's not a big clue as to what was really went on.

I was perusing some sites the other day and I noticed that Maxxx Beaver was mocking people's names. He said, "with names like Larry & Billy Bob...fuck that name is hilarious...Billy Bob...would you call your kid that?"
I must say his comment really upset Male Offspring #1,
aka Petey Joe Bob (you know, the firebug?) when I told him about it.
So much so that the last I heard my poor baby was packing
up his beaver traps and heading North to hunt for Canadian beaver.
And I don't mean the "fuck me harder" kind either.

If you're down in the dumps and you need to hear some false flattery to raise your flagging sense of self esteem, try calling your credit card company and telling them you want to cancel your card. They'll start out with, "Ok that's no problem." Then they'll tell you they need to put you on with an "account specialist" (aka professional butt kiss) to finalize things. P.B.K will then spend the next 10 or 15 minutes SUCKING YOUR ASS. Ya better do it soon because if the economy improves (not likely, huh?) who knows how long this will last. Last year if you called them it was "AND the horse you rode in on!" Now it's "Ma'am, you've been a loyal customer for two years. What can we do to keep you?" So I told him. "I prefer a nightly cunt licking and butt kissing, but I'll MAKE DO with an every other night cunt licking and butt kissing. Oh,and I prefer dippy eggs with my toast lightly browned, thank you very much." I even managed to get another 0% interest on balance transfers for 8 more months. What REALLY made me laugh was when dude said, "Ma'am, I'm so glad we're having this dialogue." I just wanted to add, "And I am not reading this from a script."

i was reading a romance novel last night and the hero was watching the heroine and thinking, "Her hair looks like spun gold glistening in the sunlight." You can tell these books are written by women. Guys don't think like that. Here's what a guy would be thinking in this same situation, Wow. Her hair is as yellow as a hunk of butter melting over a stack of Denny's panca-- "Hey! What are we having for supper?!" OR Wow. Her hair is as yellow as my piss after a six pack.

Today I received the email with the subject line, "Hi. My name is Lily. Wanna see me naked?" So I replied, "Hi. My name is Goddess. Hell NO!"

Ya know what's great about hanging out on the COPS forum? I've actually been in contact with some of the people and cops who have been on the show. What a hoot.

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