Tuesday, June 14, 2005

take me away i'm dying inside

Zal sent me this link. http://www.dreamstripper.com/Index.html
How desperate for action do you have to be to download a virtual stripper? I mean, yeah, you won't have to listen to her sob stories about how her old man doesn't understand her or do repairs on her trailer or feed her pre-school kids cuz she's too hung over to get out of bed in the morning, but come on. Take a chance on life!
VirtualStripper is way more expensive than LiveStripper cuz this one costs $25. (Oooo, five dolla discount, GI Joe!) You can probably stuff $1 in a chick's g-string at a club. That's a lot of "accidental" touching, my friends. My favorite thing about her "features"
is that you can "pause live action."
Let's not be coy, guys, this gives you time to get the tissues and lotion ready. The only thing I didn't see here was that you could pick her nationality. Tsk, tsk. They dropped the ball here. Hell, you can't even change her hair color and she's a (GASP!) brunette!

I started reading YET ANOTHER romance novel last night--no wonder I'm so farking horny. I've read 15 books since Friday afternoon! [AND this Wednesday is the first day of the USED BOOKSALE!!
Damn. I miss Female Offspring #1.
This was an annual summer event for the two of us. We'd come home with BAGS of books. ]
Ok back to the topic at hand. The novel was about this chick who everyone in her small town considered clumsy. So much so that they had a betting pool on when her next clumsy act would occur. Now this in and of itself is not a problem EXCEPT that the writer went overboard. By page 32, she'd gone over and over her problem like 1000 times and each incident of clumsiness was exaggerated. Like, she tripped, stumbled out into the flow of pedestrian traffic and when she tried to save herself she knocked the grocery bag out of the arms of the person beside her. The lady's fruit went flying everywhere and when clumsychick tried to gather it up and put it in her pockets, it fell out of a hole. The oranges rolled out into the street, one kid on a bike ran over one, a car had to swerve to avoid one and a guy carrying Chinese food had it knocked out of his hand by the kid on the bike. Can you say OVERKILL, kids? And it was this way EVERY DAMN TIME. That, mixed with the self pity crap had me ditching the book after only 30+ pages. Hey, if I want to look at a chick who is deeply mired in self-pity, I'll write my auto-bio, damn it.

I have to share this with those of you who don't read my LJ cuz some of Zal's comments are priceless. Remember yesterday when I talked about not wanting to stink like B.O. around Mr. G?
Zal responded: "Sneak a little vaporub on the tip of his nose, he won't smell anything..."
I replied: "Yeah, I'm sure it's gonna be easy to sneak Vicks VapoRub on a grown man's nose. I'm guessing the words "blow job" would have to be involved to pull that off...."
And he answered with, "Smear a little about 2 inches above yer nipple and stick yer tit in his mouth.
Geez, I thought babes were sposed to be sneaky..."
He never fails to make me laugh.

If you go to the YAHOO main page, over to the left hand side you'll see a big advert that says, "Broadband Stories, What's Yours?" from Verizon. If you click that, it'll take you to their site where people send in their "broadband stories".
I felt the need to send them MY story, and I hope they are touched by it enough to put it on their site. It goes a little something like this & feel free to hum the Verizon theme song as you read: "Ahhh broadband. Is there nothing it can't do? How the HELL would I know?! We don't freaking HAVE broadband in my area, Verizon, even though YOU ARE MY PHONE COMPANY!! It's not like we live in the farking WILDS OF BORNEO! NOW GET OFF YOUR LAZY ASSES AND DO YOUR JOBS!! And while we're at it, stop charging me almost $30 for stupid basic phone service!!"

I'm curious to see how often Michael Jackson goes to the hospital for
his "back problems" now that he's been found innocent. I mean, not that I think for one moment that Faker F.McFakee
was-- I mean Michael-- was faking it.

Don't forget: new eps of Reno 911 starting tonight at 10 p.m.

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