Monday, June 20, 2005

everybody knows what to do about my misery everyone but me

Time for another edition of "Trailerhold Hints from Goddess." If you have problems getting your ice cubes out of the tray cleanly, try spraying the trays with Pam before you freeze the water next time.
You're welcome.
Hmmm, I wonder if a person can get SSI for being domestically disabled?

I saw a tv ad aimed at recruiting new Hooters chicks. Natch they were all young, in their 20's and minus 20's. I think that's wrong and I'm going to do something about it. I'm starting MY OWN sexist restaurant using hot waitresses over the age of 30. I'm gonna call it Mammaries.

I saw the new Minnesota quarter and it is
inscribed thusly, "Land of 10,000 Lakes." Ya know why?
Because "Land of Friggin' Cold Temperatures" wouldn't fit.

I was reading a story on Yahoo about children who were born via artificial insemination and are now tracking down their fathers. And in some cases, the mothers are tracking the men down. I think this is WRONG, WRONG, WRONG on the part of the mothers hunting them down. IMHO, it's wrong because the women knew going in that the men wanted to remain anonymous and that it was nothing more than a business deal. See? Women fuck everything up. They always want to change the terms of an agreement. They get all romantic and emotional. Comes from reading too many romance novels.
If it had been the other way around and somehow women were responsible for getting guys pregnant, they'd never in a million years look for us. They'd just be so damn grateful that they didn't have to get
into a relationship to get pregnant. (Oddly enough, so was I.)
In the case of the kids hunting down their fathers, it's kind of a grey area. On one hand, they have a right to know about the man who "fathered" them, but on the other, it was a business arrangement, not a romance. I know some places allow the donor to request that he'd like to meet the offspring or that he'd like to remain anonymous. If I was the product of an insemination instead of Mom fulfilling her "wifely duties", I think I'd try to track the man down without him knowing about it and try to find out who he was that way so I could "know" about him, without intruding on his life. I also think the amount of donations a man can give should be limited. One dude on Oprah fathered like 30+ kids, can you imagine if they ALL came looking for him?! ICK. AND an even bigger concern--what if by chance these kids meet in the future and want to marry, not knowing they're related?? Gross.

Well I knew it was gonna happen, I'm just surprised it took so long. Some fuckwit publisher paid that runaway bride
twit a $500k advance for her story. WHAT STORY?!
Only in America do you get rewarded for shirking your responsiblities and worrying your family spitless.Oh yeah, and let's not forget lying, falsely accusing someone of sexual assault and duplicity, which is just a fancy way of saying lying yet again.

I was so bored that I finally decided to just give in and watch Liar Liar on Sunday afternoon. Yaya I know it's almost ten years old at this point(!), but I figured why not? The premise of the story is cute, as you probably ALL know by now. The little boy makes a wish that his father, a lawyer played by Jim Carey, can't lie for an entire 24 hours. Well, 30 minutes into the pic, I was reminded of why I always hate Jim Carey flicks. Not unlike Bruce Almighty, which I was dying to see and ended up hating, Jim is typically in movies with good plots, which he manages to screw up with his stupid, repetitive, over the top slapstick "acting." I give it two middle fingers up. HATED IT!

Then I flipped over to the 50 Most Outrageous TV Moments hosted by Jerry Springer. Don't waste your time on this either. Instead of SHOWING you a lot of the TV moments, they TOLD you about most of them. Hello?! They were ON tv. You freaking HAVE the footage, especially since a lot of them dealt with the newer reality tv shows. Show it!! And they were really outrageous, too. Like the one from "How Clean is Your House?" where it showed the old chicks bitching about how dirty a house was--not like you hear THAT over and over every stinking week, huh?
(Get it? Stinking? "How Clean is--" Never mind.)
My favorite reality tv moment is still the one where the chick tells the guy she picked to be her man that she used to date Fabio. He thought it was "devestating news" that "almost destroyed them." Damn. Doesn't take much to "destroy" them, does it? It showed him going out into the ocean, like it's the most upsetting news he'd ever received. You would have thought she'd just told him he'd won a lifetime supply of High Karate.
And that he has to wear it, he can't GIVE. IT. AWAY.
He's like, "I mean, Fabio. I think every man on the planet is with me on this one." Yeah, every man on the planet is intimidated by some plastic, long haired, narcissistic hippie. Puhleeze.

Another great moment on the show was when they showed a clip from the Jerry Springer show and the one chick yelled
to the other, "You're a whore! A H*O*R*E!"

As a rule, I hate country music except for a few Shania tunes here and there, but ever since I read that Kenny Chesney told Renee Zellweger, his new wife, that he wanted her to fatten up, well, he's been my hero.

No comments: